Do you offer marriage advice?

My husband is not the friendliest or most talkative man. However, he found himself doing a little impromptu marriage counseling the other day. He went in for a haircut and the young barber apparently needed to talk to someone and he chose my husband.

He told my husband he was 27 and has been married 2 years with an 11-month old baby. He said he thought about leaving all the time. He said they argued constantly.

That day he was in particular trouble. It was his wife’s birthday and he hadn’t planned to do anything for her.

Michael  told him bunches of things not necessarily in this order . He told him he needed to stop trying to change her. He told him he was just extending the fight by not backing down. He told him at the very least to apologize that she was feeling upset if he didn’t honestly think he had done anything wrong. He told him that especially after just having a baby his wife just wanted to feel special and that he needed to make an effort to do that. He told him it didn’t have to be big or expensive – just make some effort, like take her lunch or dinner that day. (He told him how for Christmas he surprised me by burning me a CD and putting on the MP3 player all my favorite Michael Jackson hits. Not expensive but I really appreciated the effort.)

My take on the story:  Several things going on here.  A lot of this is about the baby. Having a baby changes your relationship and it changes your interaction with your spouse. He just hadn’t fully adapted to being a daddy and a husband. It’s a lot of responsibility.

Along with that it’s immaturity. I told Michael this sounds like us 12 years ago. We used to bicker all the time. We fought tooth and nails and nobody was giving in. We really have mellowed in the last 7 or so years.

But that took YEARS of learning to work out our problems and not be so proud. It also took Michael learning how to explain to me what he was really upset about and not just express it as anger. (Don’t get me wrong: We still fight, but it’s much better than it used to be.)

Michael’s favorite comedian Louis C.K. has the routine about leaving. He says you think you can’t leave when you’re married but then you have kids and you know you really can’t leave!

I was proud of Michael giving this young man some good advice from his experiences and not just clamming up. I guess we’ll find out in another month how things are going when Michael goes in for a trim.

Are you willing to offer advice to other couples? Friends? Strangers? What advice would you have given this young man about his marriage?

91 comments Add your comment

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motherjanegoose

December 28th, 2010
4:59 am

While I personally give advice often, not so much in marriage. This is due to the fact that I do not think I have a handle on it. We still argue after 28 years. To me, this is a bit humorous as my sister has been married for 25 years and she tells me that they never argue and ALWAYS get along….WHAT? Guess I am not doing things the right way. Perhaps I need advice on this subject.

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deidre_NC

December 28th, 2010
7:00 am

my main advice is to people who are getting married. you can not change people. most people do not change, most people just become more of what they are as they get older.

deidre_NC

December 28th, 2010
7:04 am

and on their wedding card i always say—when you think its over…remember how much you loved each other when you got married. remember those things you loved.

Kathy

December 28th, 2010
7:53 am

When my niece got married in 2009, I told her that marriage is hard work and if she was not ready to work hard, then don’t get married. I totally agree with Theresa about the baby. A baby changes the whole dynamic of the marriage. My niece is in her early 20s and I told her to wait as long as they can to start a family. Be married for a while and get to know each other. Talk A LOT about how you want to raise your children before you have to start raising them. I also told her to make a scrapbook. When things are rough in our house, I get out our scrapbooks and it reminds me of the great times and that at the very core of our marriage is love. There is some bit of research somewhere that says that if an on-the-edge-of-divorcing couple had a scrapbook to look through of their memories together, they would be more than likely to not get divorced. Now, I don’t know if this is true for everyone, but it sure works for me. This is also the case for parenting. When I have had a rough day as a mom, I get out my daughter’s scrapbooks and remember all the fun and the cute things that she does when she is not challenging me.

Jeff

December 28th, 2010
8:03 am

You are only going to be listened to a certain number of times before someone starts tuning you out. Choose those carefully because once they are gone, they are gone for a while.

Select a list of important things that are 5 or less and stick to them. Don’t change your list of what is important based on the latest Oprah episode or action movie catch phrase.

Oh, and always kiss before going your separate ways, no matter how many times a day it is.

FCM

December 28th, 2010
8:12 am

YAY FOR MICHAEL. I have no problem offering an opinion (I can hear y’all saying “yeah, we know”). Offering true advice–especially on love relationships–is a whole differnt issue to me.

Obviously this barber was in pain. At least he reached out to someone like Michael in it. What if he had reached out to someone who said “Dude you would be so much better on your own?” I personally feel this story is one of those magic moments where Michael was open to the Spirit moving through him to help this man. No, it may not work…the man has free will.

Kathy–for every picture in the scrap book I can remember the fight that happened before it. Some of our most “loving/happy” photos were actually us just putting up a front knowing others would see the pictures.

I am honestly better off–healthier if you will–having been divorced. BUT I have said it time and again—divorce is brutal. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. So, I truly hope the barber listened to Michael and gets his relationship with his wife (his other half) back on track.

VH

December 28th, 2010
8:14 am

@Jeff…like your post.

motherjanegoose

December 28th, 2010
8:25 am

@ FCM…we had lots of those perfect pictures growing up and our family was in LOTS of pain.

I once heard that marrying a man who is close to his mother and treats her well is key. This would transfer to his wife. Anyone have thoughts on that?

My husband is not really close to any of his family. I reminded him several times to call them on Christmas Day. He called his one sister but not the other sister or brother. They did not call him either…I find this weird. No cards or gifts either. He finally called his Dad at 9:30 p.m.

catlady

December 28th, 2010
8:32 am

I AM healthier in all ways since divorcing. Sometimes your differences, which are multiplied by uneven growth, children, financials, etc, are not surmountable without one of you just giving up and staying in the marriage, figuring it is bearable, but having a miserable life. Not that being divorced, especially when there are children, is a lot easier. I wasn’t willing to continue to efface my needs in favor of his. That is why we didn’t argue or fight. I tried to “fight fair” and was met with an unfair response. So I just shut up. Until one day when he was berating me for something he thought I should have done (along with working full time, having the vast responsibility for 3 children, keeping the house, gardening and canning much of our food) and my 10 year old daughter KICKED ME UNDER THE TABLE AND TOLD ME TO SPEAK UP! Then I realized I couldn’t continue to raise my children with that as their example.

As to giving marriage advice, I only share what happened with me, along with what I might have done differently. Mostly it is just listening to the other person while they sort through their experience. i would never tell anyone what to do (well, yes I would, but only when I fear for them) but sometimes things seem so obvious to an outsider.

I can only hope that Michael was just what this young man needed–that he was inspired to feed the young man something very important!

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Tuckergirl

December 28th, 2010
8:40 am

Kudos to your husband for not shying away from a tricky area, it would have been easy to downshift into sports talk and avoid the subject altogether.

Unfortunately, today’s world is promoting a mindset of “What’s in it for me?” that is destroying marriages and families. You simply cannot enter marriage with this in the front of your mind. That doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. But when you get married, the ME has to give way to the WE. Instead of asking yourself, “Why can’t she just…” stop and rephrase the question to “Why don’t I stop a moment and just listen to what she’s saying?”

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is HARD. Some days you will not love your spouse. Some days you might not even like your spouse. But you choose to love them on those days, even if you may not feel like it. That’s what keeps a marriage going. You choose to put aside self and sacrifice a little. Some days you sacrifice a lot. On other days, your spouse will be the one putting her wants (not needs) aside. When you achieve that kind of balance between you, life gets a lot easier. Not easy. Just easier.

One last thing. Men cannot read minds. Nor can women. Never assume. This will save you a lot of time and agony. Trust me on this one. If you are mad about something, say it. If you want to know something, ask.

ssidawg

December 28th, 2010
8:43 am

My #1 piece of advice for a successful relationship:

Be nice.

It’s amazing how much the relationship can improve just by being NICE to the other person. Don’t fight over stupid things. Be willing to let some things go.

Just be nice.

ssidawg

December 28th, 2010
8:45 am

Tuckergirl- well said. I agree with everything you wrote!!

K&K's Mom

December 28th, 2010
8:56 am

How funny (and interesting)…. My husband and I went to visit friends on Sunday and found ourselves in the middle of a heated battle between the two. This couple who have been married two times as long as my husband and I (20 years) brought us right into thier marriage woes. While I am very happy to offer marriage advice, because I really believe that my husband and I have pretty much mastered it (with years of experience and our faith), and this does not mean that we don’t fight or have our moments, sometimes it gets a little hairy when it is friends or family members.

I say kudos to Michael for sharing his marriage wisdom with this young man, because reality is this generation of young marrieds mostly came from single-parent homes and they need the wisdom of those of us who have pretty much mastered it. It also says a lot about Michael (and you) that this young man felt that he could confide in him. That means that he sees something in your marriage that he may want to emulate.l

So now I think that you guys should invite them over or on a double date so that they can see a the definition of marriage in action (with children), which they may not be used to seeing. You don’t have to counsel them at that time, but kind of become marrriage mentors, I think every couple needs one, especially one that is not related.

Lucindan

December 28th, 2010
8:58 am

If two people each put each other’s needs ahead of their own, a happy relationship results. I am more concerned about your happiness than my own; and you are more concerned about my happiness than your own. Win-Win.

BC

December 28th, 2010
9:11 am

Together for 13 and married for 8 years. I met my wife when I was 28 years old and I was still very selfish. I was fortunate that she tolerated me because now that I am older I truly appreciate and adore this woman. My advice to married couples is that there is no place in marriage for selfishness. The marriage will not survive! Younger people tend to be more selfish so it makes it tough on young couples. I think older couples are more willing to compromise. So if you can make it through the first five to eight years your odds are good that the marriage will be a success. Also specifically for men you have to give your woman some attention. I learned that women absolutely need to be shown attention with no exceptions. Don’t get caught up in the idea that because she does not ask for it that it’s ok to watch football all day. Its very critical because if you don’t then that leaves the door open for someone else who will and once you loose your wife’s attention then it’s hard to get it back.

jsmom

December 28th, 2010
9:14 am

I was once told “Separate Bathrooms are the key to a happy marriage.” My great grandfather told me that when I was about 10. I don’t know if he meant really having a separate bathroom or having space within your house that is your own domain. Either way, I have always found it to work.

Lucindan

December 28th, 2010
9:18 am

@BC
Wise words — if you don’t give your wife attention, somebody else will.
Count on it.
Let me add — if you don’t treat your spouse kindly, somebody else will. If you don’t appreciate your spouse’s efforts (even if the results aren’t so great), somebody else will. You have to put in the effort to ‘keep’ your spouse, just like you did to ‘get’ your spouse when you were dating.

JATL

December 28th, 2010
9:21 am

@Tuckergirl and ssidawg -right on! I think Michael was right to give some advice in this situation. I do give advice on certain aspects of marriage when asked or in situations like this when someone is going on and on at me about their marriage or relationship. I always preface it with the fact that my marriage is not perfect and we DO fight! Not as much or as wildly as we used to, but I think every married couple with any passion in their lives has a fight once in awhile.

@MJG -seriously -you probably have a better marriage than your sister if they NEVER fight! I just think people who can live together 24/7 and never disagree or argue have either lost passion or are just living together more as roommates. Maybe I’m wrong in the case of your sister or others, but I can’t imagine never becoming irritated or disagreeing with my husband about anything. My parents were married for almost 46 years and they still fought -just not that often!

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mom2alex&max

December 28th, 2010
9:30 am

Theresa, I too would feel immensely proud of my husband for saying those things. I think it was the hand of God that led this young barber to unburden himself to someone like that as opposed to some bitter man that could have told him to run far, far away. You should be proud and happy that Michael feels the way he feels.

Marriage is SO MUCH work! It takes infinite patience and love. We have gone through some truly horrible times, but God has helped us and we are now much much better. I personally think that marriage is worth it!

WhereRTheExamples

December 28th, 2010
9:30 am

When 50-60 percent of ALL marriages have been ending in divorce…the generation today has grown up WITHOUT examples of good marriages…instead they have dealt with the weekend/weekday shuffle,step mommies/daddies/siblings and often multiple marriages with siblings from multiple parents. It is harder from them to UNDERSTAND what makes up a good marriage and what type of work is involved..for them giving up is a easier alternative..after all they lived that way their whole life.

Kids are a big factor in relationships as well as finances…especially with this economy..best advice for a new couple..wait as long as you can to have kids..get your financial situation in order FIRST, financial advice should be the first thing handled. Don’t buy a home,car or lifestyle you can’t afford and SAVE money. After 5 years consider kids..when you have learned IF you even want to have kids with the person you are married to….

By the way, a recent survey stated that 46% of all young adults 22-29..DO NOT BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE…that explains this generation of the carriage before the marriage…

Ally

December 28th, 2010
9:33 am

I agree that a BIG part of the problem is the new baby. It puts all sorts of strain on a relationship (physical, emotional), and that needs to be taken into consideration. At every baby shower that I’ve been to (after I had my own babies), my advice has always been:

***There will be times after the baby is born that you will think about divorcing your spouse, but don’t make any rash decisions until the baby is 2 years old.*** (At this point, most babies are sleeping well, eating well and are so darned cute that you are happy that you have someone to share it all with.)

fk

December 28th, 2010
9:34 am

Before getting married, every couple should know that marriage is work, give and take – 95% give and take 5%. And regardless of who you are, you think you are the one offering the 95%. If you’re not ready to compromise, then you’re not ready for marriage. That does not mean to lower expectations. It just means that sometimes, you have to give more than you take from the relationship, and that is okay.

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Tuckergirl

December 28th, 2010
9:47 am

Loved your advice, Ally. Yes, babies can put a huge strain on a marriage. I don’t care what the Kodak ads imply, new babies are not easy to deal with if you’re used to it just being the two of you. That first year alone is still in kind of a haze for me because of the lack of sleep and some post-partum depression.

I also think every couple argues at some point. We certainly do. But I think it’s important to not let it devolve into a shouting match where personal insults are being hurled around (including words like “idiot” “hate” and “stupid”). That’s when people say things that are hard to forgive and forget later.

motherjanegoose

December 28th, 2010
9:55 am

@ K& K’s mom….would the barber know Michael and TWG well enough:

“…sees something in your marriage that he may want to emulate…”

I find this very interesting…anyone else? Inviting your barber and wife on a double date?
Probably not happening here but maybe everyone else would do this? I remind myself how much I learn on this blog every day!

JATL…my sister’s husband rules their roost. If she is talking to me on the phone with me and he wants her to get off, she will. Especially if we are talking about something he does not want us to talk about. This would be an argument with me as I would not just defer to whatever my husband says, unless he has a good reason. She tends to obey her husband. Not so much here.

I think it is grand for folks especially men, to check in with others about relationships. Women tend to share their souls but men not so much. I talk to strangers all the time about things…to get opinions and often advice. Some of it is helpful and some if it is just plain interesting.

My husband carpooled with a lady co -worker to work for quite a while. We all knew each other and I spoke with her several times a week in our driveway. She was an engineer and very efficient. I got a kick out of the things my husband would come home with…ideas they tossed around. It was an eye opener ( fro him) to what other families do in different situations. She took a job elsewhere, when their company down sized. Now, he carpools with 3 other men and I think it is good for him to hear what other families do and share ideas.

jsmom…LOL with the separate bathrooms. Do you have to clean his or does he do it himself?
I have never seen my husband clean a bathroom.

newblogger

December 28th, 2010
10:05 am

MJG-great point! I definitely think the way a man treats his mom is an indicator of how he will treat his wife. My ex-husband does not have a lot of respect for his mom (or anyone for that matter) and we divorced after he thought he could have a wife and girlfriends. My husband, to whom I’ve been married for 16 years, is an angel. I have watched him care for his 81 year old mom who has advanced alzheimers and it just touches my heart. He treats his sister with love as well. I like to say that he is the prince that came along and saved my life. He is truly the epitomy of your statement because he treats me like a queen. Do we argue and disagree? Sure, but we always find a way to resolve an argument and try to never go to bed mad. I have seen it other times too. My oldest, who is 20, is very respectful and sweet to me. I have seen how he treats his girlfriend and it is much the same way. I don’t know if it’s nature or nurture but I believe it’s true.

I agree with the other post about being nice. That would be my advice. When you start out with simply being nice in mind, it’s hard to go any other way and tends to take the heat out of an argument.

winkasdad29

December 28th, 2010
10:05 am

Michael, you da man! Young people have really rough these days. You did the right thing and made a great save. It’s important for us that have experience to drop that knowledge on young people (especially young men)when they need it. Good work.

Almost_13_years

December 28th, 2010
10:13 am

@fk…agreed, everyone thinks they are giving 95%

I enjoy giving advice and love breaking down a disagreement between two people and trying to help the person I am talking to perhaps understand the perspective of the other party.

For me one of the hardest parts of marriage has been trying to believe in my spouse’s “otherness.” Like trying to really understand that he is not trying to p!ss off/hurt/be indifferent to you…he really is looking at this same situation and seeing it completely different from you…bc, ya know, he is not you!

itpdude

December 28th, 2010
10:18 am

What is this guy doing getting married at 25?

Ugh. That should be illegal.

Still Learning

December 28th, 2010
10:20 am

“my main advice is to people who are getting married. you can not change people. most people do not change, most people just become more of what they are as they get older.”

People can change, its just that most refuse to. The problem arises where one person changes and the other doesn’t. I was in this position where I changed, but others around me including my husband refused to. I thought, by my example, becoming a better person and letting go of many of my issues others around me would want to do the same. Now I have found myself returning to old habits because of bitterness. Even in this time of economic change, I really don’t find where people are changing for the better – they may say they are, but I can see that most changes are/were temporary.

It is a lifelong struggle to improve yourself and become a better person. You just have to realize you can make people change.

Still Learning

December 28th, 2010
10:21 am

Oops … You just have to realize you CANNOT make people change.

JJ

December 28th, 2010
10:51 am

It’s very easy to give advice when you are on the outside looking in.

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motherjanegoose

December 28th, 2010
11:12 am

@ still…I am with you on change. Folks change for their jobs because they know they have to to keep their job. Are marriages more disposable than a job?

We change the way we drive to work, we change our bank, we change where we shop for groceries…we even move to new neighborhoods and change neighbors. Some spouses just find it easier to settle in to what they want to do and refuse to budge.

My husband once said to me, “You are not the same person I married….you have changed.”
I replied. “In 20 plus years, is that a bad thing? What has changed?’

“You used to enjoy cooking, sewing, and cleaning the house now you do not.”

My answer, “well when we brought the babies home from the hospital, it was a novelty to change their diapers too…after 200 diapers not so much! I am now interested in other things. I like to travel, garden, read new authors, eat out and meet new people. ”

At church, we had a discussion about having a forgiving spirit or harboring bitterness. I admit that I do harbor bitterness. I can forgive mistakes but when the same issue happens over and over again, it is hard for me to forgive. Anyone else?

Example…if your mail carrier left your mailbox open every day and your mail fell out on the curb…would it not drive you crazy? Would you get bitter at the mail carrier or could you just forgive the problem every day and let it go ? Will someone here please answer me?

There are things in my house that are repeated quite often….sometimes it sends me over the edge.
Am I the only one?

iRun

December 28th, 2010
11:26 am

The key to staying married is staying married.

motherjanegoose

December 28th, 2010
11:27 am

Another observation, both my father and father in law made pretty big changes to attract a new spouse after my mother and mother in law both passed away. We were amazed. Now, they are pretty much back to their old habits they had with their first wives. Anyone else?

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JATL

December 28th, 2010
11:51 am

@MJG -ugh! I couldn’t be in one of those marriages! I would go crazier than I already am in short order.

I think several things should be drummed into everyone’s head -maybe in high school (I long for a high school class with the curriculum about how to get along in the world -basics on childcare, relationships, the law and finance -you know -all those things parents are supposed to teach their children but it seems fewer and fewer do) -anyway:

NEVER think you’ll save a marriage or relationship by having a baby! Not only is it a huge stress that may end the marriage or relationship if things are already rocky, but now you have an innocent child in the mix.

As many others have said -BE NICE. The Golden Rule applies to marriage too! Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated and it will go a long way. Don’t nag, boss, demand, threaten and ignore and then expect to be treated like royalty. And yes -if you don’t treat your spouse well, someone else surely will!

Endeavor to have a sex life. Some don’t have to work at this, but many do. With kids, age, careers, etc. it can start to fall by the wayside, so do what you need to do to fire it up. You know -you may not think you look good or enjoy wearing fishnets or bustiers, but your hubby probably will! Ask your husband or wife what really, truly turns them on -and then do it sometime. You don’t have to do it every time, but it won’t hurt once in awhile. Hint husbands -often it’s taking her feelings into consideration and doing something really simple like vacuuming the house or telling her to go for a pedicure while you watch the kids. You might be surprised what kind of action that starts getting you!

No matter what some say -no one is a mind reader. I’ve particularly been guilty of thinking, “Well, he knows me and he should know _______.” Uh-huh. This doesn’t mean that you should have to make announcement every time your birthday or Christmas rolls around to remind your spouse, but it does mean that if things don’t go the way you like, and it’s enough to upset you or keep you angry, then you need to sit down with them and explain. Communication really is key.

And again -as others have said -you will never, EVER change anyone! People change when they want to and sometimes YOU may make them want to change, but your desire for them to change won’t do it. THEY are the ones who have to have that desire -and it doesn’t matter if this is in regards to money, drinking, cheating, leaving clothes on the floor or doing drugs.

JATL

December 28th, 2010
11:57 am

@MJG -I’ve seen that many times. People lose weight, spiff up, stop bad habits, etc. to attract someone and 6 months into the marriage everything is back to the old way. My dad and I also were talking about how fast many men remarry after their wives die. My dad has been subject to the “casserole brigade” in his small town that started right before the first anniversary of my mother’s death. He was warned by many this would happen! He’s not interested, and I can’t say that bothers me. Anyway, he can cook, clean and do his laundry on his own. He actually taught my mother how to cook when they married, but there’s a certain generation of older men who have NO idea how to basically care for themselves. They went from mommy to wife and never helped with household chores or cooking. They basically marry 3 months after their wives die because they don’t know what to do. Sad, but I know of several who seemed to have their wife replacement picked out before hand (including my grandfather, but grandma is still going strong 12 years after his death). Anyone else notice this? I predict it will slowly die out -at least in the western and modern world since more and more men have waited to marry, lived on their own and married women where it’s more of a partnership than a division of duties.

Still Learning

December 28th, 2010
11:57 am

“At church, we had a discussion about having a forgiving spirit or harboring bitterness. I admit that I do harbor bitterness. I can forgive mistakes but when the same issue happens over and over again, it is hard for me to forgive. Anyone else? ”

Oh, yes! That’s what my biggest issue is now, letting go of the bitterness when people (all around me) refuse to change. Over the years I have become more tolerant and openminded about people and what they do with their lives, because I believe everyone is their own worst enemy. I am tired of being the one that changes and everyone else gets to stay the same, I guess I am selfish that way. So I feel like I am back at square one, continuing on the road to self improvement all by myself.

As far as marriage is concerned, I believe than woman do most of the changing. It’s often the men that stay stagnant. My husband of 21 years and I are at this point, where we have done so well and have a good marriage, but then comes our midlife ‘crisis’. I have done the changing, and he hasn’t. Maybe it’s me maturing looking towards our future and him trying to hold onto his youth. It’s always the little things, the big obstacles in life seems to fall into place.

It’s the little things that send me over the edge too. I guess because I know those are the easiest things to change, but most seem to refuse to!

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

December 28th, 2010
12:16 pm

Wow….where to start?!?

My advice to anyone is this…

DON’T TAKE MY advice because (a) I don’t presume to have life figured out to the degree to tell others how they should live theirs, and (b) I don’t have to live with the consequences of YOU carrying out MY advice.

That’s just speaking with the bravery of being out of range.

I will tell people, if they ask, if I have been in a similar situation, what I did in that situation, and how that situation worked out….but NEVER will I say, this has worked (or not worked) for ME, so therefore this is what YOU should do. And I certainly wouldn’t do it based up the “intimate” knowledge I obtained within the first 10 minutes of my haircut.

And to assume that ” this sounds like us 12 years ago” means that they ARE like YOU 12 years ago, and therefore the same approaches will work for them as they worked for you is naive.

@MJG….I think the suggestion to find a man close to his mother is a slippery slope. That’s great right up until the man starts taking sides with his mother over his wife. I find guys with a healthy, objective relationship with their mothers and have no problem telling them they’re full of scat when they’re actually full of scat have better relationships with their wives than mama’s boys who will throw their wives under the bus to please mom. There’s a fine line there when women look at the relationship between their guys and the moms.

@diedre_NC…you actually write on a WEDDING CARD…”when you think its over”….my GOD!!! way to keep it light on what should be the happiest day of their lives. Nothing like taking a day of hope and celebration and throwing a little fatalism into it! ;-)

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

December 28th, 2010
12:20 pm

@JATL…you are DEAD ON with commitment and open minded sex life! DEAD……ON!!!!!!!!!

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

December 28th, 2010
12:28 pm

I’m kind of surprised that for all the advice given on marriage here today that not one person (maybe i missed it) has suggested for anyone to try….oh I don’t know…..extensive counseling with a professional marriage counselor.

Instead we get gems like ….”be nice”….”load an MP3 with Michael Jackson hits”….”look for someone who likes his mother”…..”remember the good things”.

Don’t get me wrong..those all could work….but like I said, if my barber asked me what I should, I think it’d be something like,

“you know, when I was in this situation with my spouse and things were getting really bad, we decided to try some counseling…not saying YOU should try it OR that it will work for YOU, but for US it helped shed some light on the way viewed ourselves and each other and we found it to be a very positive experience……can you take a little more off the sides?”

Still Learning

December 28th, 2010
12:40 pm

“extensive counseling with a professional marriage counselor.”

A good friend of mine, who is a psychologist, often jokes that those that want to go to marriage counseling only do so to find out they are the one that is ‘right’ and it’s the other party needs the ‘help’ or to be told they are ‘wrong’. Very few couples get through counseling. Actually, I have known 2 that have met their future spouse in therapy!

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

December 28th, 2010
12:44 pm

“very few couples get through counseling”….got anything other than your opinion to support that?

Look, I’m not saying that counseling is a panacea to marital woes or that anyone should try counseling….but in light of what has been suggested here today, I don’t see how it could be any worse that “ask the next guy who’s hair you’re going to cut what you should do”.

catlady

December 28th, 2010
12:55 pm

I am always interested in how quickly folks “heal” from a deceased spouse or from a divorce (measured by how quickly they take on by marriage or live-in, another one.) Anyone else interested in this?