Should miscarriages, infertility make women feel like ‘failures’?

Journalist Lisa Ling said in a story that ran yesterday that she felt like a “complete failure” after suffering a miscarriage six months ago.

From The Assocated Press:

“Ling, who appeared on “The View” from 1999 to 2002, came back to the show Tuesday to talk about her experience. Her taped appearance will air Friday.”

“Ling says that after she’d been pregnant for nine weeks, she was told her baby had no heartbeat. She says she “felt more like a failure than I’d felt in a very long time.” Ling, who is 37, says she fears it might happen again, leaving her “devastated.” Ling is married to oncologist Paul Song.”

“She says she realized that many women she knew had miscarriages but rarely talked about it. She and a business partner have started a website that encourages women to anonymously share their experiences.”

Ling’s web site where women can talk about their miscarriages and other “secrets’ is www.secretsocietyofwomen.com.

I felt so sorry for Ling reading this. It’s terrible for her to feel like she’s done something wrong or “failed” because she miscarried. I agree with Ling that women don’t talk much about miscarriages.

Giuliana Rancic, E host, and husband Bill Rancic, of “The Apprentice”, recently talked on TV about her miscarriage in October. In US magazine she talked about the guilt of miscarriage.

From US magazine:

“Bill and Giuliana Rancic say that they’re toughing it out with their IVF treatments — sometimes involving more than 60 shots in a month — to get pregnant.”

“The stars of Giuliana and Bill first opened up about their miscarriage in October. “It was several months of guilt and sadness,” Giuliana, 36, told The View.”

“Now, the couple is optimistic about their chances. ‘The good news is that IVF did work as we did get pregnant…’

Singer Lilly Allen is another star that has had several public miscarriages. This poor woman suffered one in November while six-months pregnant. (I can’t imagine losing a baby at 6-months!) She also lost a baby in 2008.

From The Telegraph:

“The 25-year-old singer was said to be responding well to treatment for septicaemia and thanked fans for their messages of support. ”

“Allen was around six months pregnant when she lost her baby earlier this week.”

“In a statement, her publicist said: “Lily Allen is back in hospital, where she is being treated for septicaemia.”

” ‘She is responding well to treatment and her condition continues to improve.”

” ‘Lily thanks everyone for their messages of support and again asks that she and partner Sam Cooper be left alone whilst she recovers.’ ”

“Allen had indicated she was unwell to fans on her Twitter site on Friday.”

“She tweeted: ‘I’m still very sick but the messages are helping me to be stronger. Thank you xx.’ ”

“On October 30, she had tweeted: ‘Say a little prayer x’.

“A spokesman later revealed the couple had lost their baby.”

“At the time, her spokesman said: “It is with great sadness that we have to confirm that Lily Allen and Sam Cooper have lost their baby.”

” ‘The couple ask that their privacy be respected and that they be left alone at this deeply distressing time. No further comment will be made.’ “

To my knowledge I have never had a miscarriage but I did feel like a failure when it took 11 months to get pregnant with our first child. I couldn’t understand what the problem was. I had regular periods, knew I was ovulating so why wasn’t I getting pregnant? It was an awful to go month-after-month and each time the test be negative. (I know other women suffer through years of trying. Eleven months were frustrating enough for me.) We got pregnant with Walsh right away but it took seven or eight months to get pregnant with Lilina. I just felt like “Oh No! Not again!” I hated getting on that bus of stress and ups and down hoping each month only to be disappointed.

So what do you think: Why do women feel like failures when they miscarry or can’t conceive? How can those feelings be remedied? Is it just a matter of women sharing so they know they are not alone? Have you had either of these experiences and how did you feel?

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Nat

December 9th, 2010
5:42 am

DH and I have been TTC for 2 years now and there have been countless times where I felt like a complete failure. What was supposed to be the most simplest thing to do was becoming impossible to do! It also seems that everyone else is getting pregnant .. except for us.

In my journey, I have found that those who impregnate easily do not understand the overwhelming feelings of defeat when month after month, nothing happens. On the other hand, not everyone announces “hey, I’m having problems conceiving!” so it’s not exactly something that is shared readily. However, I have found that once you find a fellow friend who has been through the gamut of infertility struggles, it’s such a relief to know that others have gone through those same feelings and you are NOT crazy!

ladilovely

December 9th, 2010
7:18 am

@Nat, I pray that your family is blessed with a healthy baby in the near future.

First time poster

December 9th, 2010
7:23 am

I didn’t experience any fertility issues, but have a number of close friends and a sister who have. It’s a tough thing to go through and something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I wish peace and fertility to anyone going through this right now.

motherjanegoose

December 9th, 2010
7:26 am

I have no experience in either of these worlds. My heart goes out to those who truly want a child and cannot have one, especially when there are those who do not want or care for the ones they have.

momof2

December 9th, 2010
8:00 am

You do absolutely feel like a failure. It took us 4 years to get pregnant. It was an absolutely horrible 4 years. Everybody I knew was pregnant and I hated it. I think it’s so unfair that women have to go through that. I now have 2 wonderful kids thanks to lots of fertility treatments.!

pws

December 9th, 2010
8:03 am

Well, I didn’t have problems getting pregnant, but I sure did have problems staying pregnant till term. Our first, was still born at 61/2 months, and with our oldest, who is now 25, I held the record in the obsterician’s office for prenatal visits for 2-1/2 years with 37 visits. And she was delivered 3 weeks early on purpose, so that averaged one visit a week. Riding the roller coaster of worrying about whether or not you will be able to carry them to term is a heck of a ride, but well worth it in the end. I miscarried the third one, and then had 35 visits with our second, who is now 21. I know that God has a reason for why He puts us through these experiences, and today I can say that the reason I had to go through that ride was because He knew I was going to be raising the second one, and when I would get frustrated with her as she was growing up, He would remind me of what it was like not to have any, and remind me of what a gift they are, and that He gave me this child for a reason, and He expected me to teach her what was right. This is the child that is now applying to medical school, and truly wants to become a doctor because she cares about helping other people. I am so thankful for the many blessings. I’m not trying to say that this is the reason all women have trouble with fertility, but I know in our case it was to teach me what a truly miracle it is to have them. The struggles to have them taught me that being a mom was much more important that climbing the corporate ladder and trying to crash the glass ceiling.

mom2alex&max

December 9th, 2010
8:04 am

I have no experience with this. However, my sister has and it was heart wrenching to watch. The thing that got to her was when other people could get pregnant and she couldn’t. I tried to explain to her that there isn’t a limited amount of fertility in the world. One woman being pregnant DID NOT mean another woman would not. But apparently that process is fraught with sadness and frustration and not much that anyone can say helps.

She ended up doing the turkey baster thing and got pregnant with the 3rd and last treatment (with twins!). She wants to have more, but my brother in law is pretty adamant that two is enough in terms of money and resources (tying in with yesterday’s topic). I laughed and told her that *I* didn’t think *I* could go through that again! LOL. It was very hard on those that love her.

Best of luck to all those that are going through this. And PLEASE don’t ANYONE start talking about adoption!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s HORRIBLE when someone suggests that to someone that is trying desperately to conceive a child!!!!!! DO NOT DO IT PLEASE.

mom2alex&max

December 9th, 2010
8:06 am

Tairy Green you are a jack ass.

Theresa, PLEASE delete that comment! It’s VERY hurtful!

Jeff

December 9th, 2010
8:08 am

Not easy to go through on the male side either, though I know it must be worse on the female side.

On the one hand, I take comfort in knowing that I never stood a CHANCE at becoming a father too early back in my wild and wooly days.

On the other, being ready to be a father now and not being able to be… yeah, it sucks. Even I feel like a failure at times, and I’m at the height of success in most other arenas. I’m making more money than I ever have, I’m happier at my job than I’ve ever been, I was recently appointed to the one political position I’ve wanted since I became active in politics, I’ve got a great house in a great neighborhood. I’ve got most every definition of “success” I grew up wanting.

And yet, because of these issues, I feel like a complete failure, when I allow myself to breathe.

I’ve learned to treat it the same way I eventually learned to treat my search for my wife: live my life to the fullest without concentrating on that issue, and enjoy the time I have for what it is. Have as much fun as I can now and do as much with just my wife as I can. It took me a decade to find her, and if it takes a decade to have a child, so be it.

Jeff

December 9th, 2010
8:12 am

I would say leave the Tairy Green comment up. Just shows what an idiot some are – but I’ve heard similar comments from others who did not know that I was going through it.

FCM

December 9th, 2010
8:29 am

Feelings do not have a right and wrong…the actions you take based on the feelings do have a right and wrong. So Mrs. Ling’s feeling like a failure–needs to be delt with and not by people on a blog judging the “validity” of the feeling.

Anyone who has TTC and not been successful is likely heartbroken. Anyone who has suffered a miscarriage, like I, feels that loss too in various ways and times. It has been more than 8 years since I miscarried and sometimes I cannot help but think “there could be one more making santa cookies this year.”

I think the BEST thing you can do for someone in this situation is listen to them. Don’t offer advice or an opinion. Just be there if they want to talk.

lurker

December 9th, 2010
8:40 am

As someone who went through years of infertility, $30,000 spent trying to get pregnant, then finally accepting, then $25,000 to adopt… I realized that I was meant to be the mother of my adopted daughter! Although I hate the use of the word “adopted”, she is MY daughter and I am her mother! Yes, I deeply desired a baby conceived on our own, but this is what was meant to be! Took us years to be able to accept this though!! It does not always work for everyone, but if you do not eventually get pregnant on your own, there are other options! She is our daughter and we could not love her anymore if I had given birth to her!

Erica

December 9th, 2010
8:46 am

Yes, you absolutely do feel like a failure. As a woman, you feel like it is the one thing that is most natural for you to be able to do, and when you cannot itis a horrible,horrible feeling.

I married in my mid thirties and had a easy time getting pregnant, but more of a difficult time staying that way. I was blessed to be able to carry my beautiful baby to term on my third try. Being a mom is the absolute best thing that I have ever done.We began trying to have a second child when our baby was 18 months old. I got pregnant quickly, but had yet another miscarriage. That was almost 4 years ago. My heart breaks every time my little one asks for a baby, because she sees all of her friends with a sibling, and knowing that that is the one thing that I can not do for her. We spent almost two (2) years dealing with fertility treatments (everything short of IVF), to include oral meds, shots, constant ultrasound monitoring, mostly paid out of pocket. Still no baby. We still hold out hope for a miracle, because I know that they can happen. But I constantly fight depression and sadness when I think about something that is so easy for others, and continues to elude us. Like “first time poster” stated, it is something I would not wish anyone. I know God has a purpose for everything, but sometimes, He can give us some steep hills to climb.

CC03

December 9th, 2010
8:49 am

I read the article about Lisa Ling yesterday and it made me really sad. I am a year younger than Lisa and I also had a miscarriage earlier this year. I do not have any children. I would not say that I felt like a failure though. I was disappointed and sad, but I know that nothing I did caused the miscarriage. It sounds like my story is very similar to Lisa’s. I thought I was about 10 weeks along, went in to see the OB and was told there was no heartbeat.

lurker

December 9th, 2010
8:52 am

@Erica your statement is so true
“As a woman, you feel like it is the one thing that is most natural for you to be able to do, and when you cannot itis a horrible,horrible feeling.”
You feel (or I felt) as if that is the main thing that the Lord put you here to do – mulitply – and you do feel like a failure, to yourself & your husband. Luckily I am blessed with a wonderful husband who was so understanding through it all!!

JATL

December 9th, 2010
8:59 am

I know I am very fortunate to have conceived and carried my children easily. I have a number of friends and family members who either have had so many miscarriages they gave up or who couldn’t get pregnant -ever -with any help. Some spent thousands and thousands of dollars and years trying to no avail. It truly is heartbreaking to see someone you love go through this. I think the feeling of failure many women (and some men) have around this issue goes back to an almost primal area of our brains. It’s something that humans do. So many do it so easily and so many don’t even mean to get pregnant! IF you are a woman who gets pregnant but miscarries all the time, then you feel like you’ve done something to your body to make it uninhabitable. My heart goes out to all of you TTC, and I really hope you’re all fortunate.

I’m with MJG about the ones who don’t want them, can’t and won’t take care of them or provide for them -they seem to breed like rats. The injustice of watching those I love (who are financially sound, educated and deeply desiring of a child) deal with infertility and miscarriage and then seeing breeding machines on public assistance or the lovely ones who wind up on the news for killing or seriously abusing their children -it makes me so angry I can only imagine the frustration women who are having fertility problems feel. It’s one of life’s greatest injustices in my opinion.

Becky

December 9th, 2010
9:25 am

Like MJG, I’ve not had this problem..My oldest sister had 3 miscarriages before carrying twins full term, then her daughter had 2 miscarriages prior to her first child..So for anyone that has gone thru this, I’m sorry that you did..

I would like to think that it should not make a woman feel like a failure, but since I haven’t had to deal with it, I really would not know how it would make you feel..

Also as MJG said, I have a lot of family that has children willy nilly and they really shouldn’t have them..My nephew’s girlfriend just let him leave state with all four of “their” girls..Told him that she didn’t want any of them, especially the baby of 8 months..

@Jeff..Thoughts and prayers are with you..I hope that one day the time is right for you and that when that day happens, you will be an awesome Dad..

Cammi317

December 9th, 2010
9:31 am

I never had any problems, one pregnancy, one child. However, two of my three sisters did. They both were trying for about 2 years before they were able to conceive. The funny thing is that in each instance within a month of they and their husbands deciding to stop trying it happened AND in each instance while they were on vacation. My best friend recently miscarried she and her husband’s 4th child. It was strange because she never wanted anymore children, but as soon as she found out she was pregnant she became instantly attached and it was devastating for her. It was especially hard because they doctors pretty much figured out that their was no heartbeat about 2 weeks before they did the DNC, but had her continue to carry while they monitored her. It was a very sad time.

My daughter is almost 13 and repeatedly asking me about meeting someone, marrying and having another child. At this stage in the game I am about 15 months away from 40 and quite frankly afraid that I would not be able to conceive. I think this fear has me less than motivated to get involved with anyone who wants children…

Cammi317

December 9th, 2010
9:37 am

Jeff – That is one of the most inspiring and most beautiful post I have ever read. Good luck to you and your wife.

FCM

December 9th, 2010
10:23 am

@ Jeff–we have so many Jeffs on here these days. I am guessing your our friend from Cartersville. Blessings to you and your wife. You guys are always in my prayers.

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

December 9th, 2010
10:49 am

@Tairy Greene…blogging with the bravery of being out of range is a dead giveaway for cowardice. I imagine you would never say that out loud….and if you had to me and my wife after she suffered her miscarriage, I can say with absolute complete honesty, you would have taken the worst beating of your life. I don’t know who how you got to be so angry, but my advice to you is to let your cowardice override your anger and keep your opinions to yourself when there might actually be consequences to saying them out loud.

Another-Jeff

December 9th, 2010
10:50 am

I’m the “other Jeff” on here a bit so I don’t want to steal any of his thunder because he makes great points for us men that are human and what I would call real men.

FCM and MJG – as always, you two write exactly what I am usually thinking. I WISH there were more women out there like you two. You could make tons of money on the book or lecture circuit.

Merry Christmas – even to that guy from the other day.

iRun

December 9th, 2010
10:50 am

I do have sympathy for women who suffer through miscarriages. But infertility I have less sympathy for. I mean, what’s important? Making a baby or being a mom/dad?

Granted, I had my one and only child at 26, and by accident at that (I’d been married for 3 years but we had planned to wait). So, I will admit that perhaps my attitude is flavored by that.

However, I can no longer have children and I am 36. I am completely sterilized due to such horrible polyps that the only way to fix it was to burn all the equipment into a crisp. Bye bye baby making!

The polyps themselves would have made conceiving and carrying a child difficult.

I wanted another child for years. Now that it’s been nearly 10 years since the first, I’ve come to terms with it.

However, if we decide to expand the family we have no problems with adopting! Like *lurker* said, this child would be ours and our first son’s sibling and there’s nothing else to say.

Again, you may think it’s easy for me to say that considering I already know I can no longer make babies. But my husband and I had decided about 5 years ago, after knowing friends who’d adopted from Haiti, that we’d adopt anyway. Why did we have to make a kid when there are so many beautiful ones who need homes?

I do have to say that when I found out that I was going to have to make this decision between my health or making babies I had a few moments where I felt a bit blue. But mostly because it made me feel OLD!

Another-Jeff

December 9th, 2010
10:52 am

Welcome back Tiger.

Jeff

December 9th, 2010
10:53 am

FCM:

Yes, I’m the “original”Jeff, from Cartersville. Sorry I don’t get on here as much, but since becoming active in politics I usually am pretty busy.

All: Thanks for the prayers/comments.

Quick question, as it somewhat relates today: Have any of you ever become pregnant without your partner “finishing”? We recently had a close call where such an event happened, and I had never heard of that. Apparently it happens, but is rare – one of the reasons even condoms fail from what I’ve been told.

JJ

December 9th, 2010
10:55 am

I know there’s some very religious people on this blog, therefore, why would YOU feel like a failure when God has a plan for you? Isn’t it all up to God anyway? Maybe he chose NOT to give you a child right now. Maybe the child YOU want isn’t what He has in mind. Maybe YOU aren’t ready to become a parent.

I know it took me several years to finally concieve, and what really hurt was he already had a child from his previous marriage, and we couldn’t seem to get pregnant. We even did the fertility thing, NOTHING. But once I relaxed, and realized maybe it wasn’t meant for me to have a child and I should just enjoy what I do have, BAM I got pregnant. I was 30 years old the day I found out.

It will happen when you least expect it. You shouldn’t feel like a failure, you’ve done nothing wrong. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.

iRun

December 9th, 2010
10:55 am

By the way, haven’t you guys figured out that Tairy Greene is just saying the most absurd thing BECAUSE it’s the most absurd thing? It’s like when I tell my son how much I hate him and how he’s ruining my life (usually while giving him a big bear hug and smooch on the face). It’s not serious!

“Son, have I told you yet today how much you make me sick?”

“Not yet, wanna tell me now or wait until I finish my homework?”

“Which one will ruin your day?”

“Well, probably now…because then I will be so sad I have such a bad mom that I won’t be able to do my homework. I’ll HAVE to go out and play to cheer myself up.”

“Okay, I’ll tell you later.”

Jeff

December 9th, 2010
11:00 am

iRun: We actually face a similar problem. Shortly after T and I first met, just a couple of weeks before I proposed to her, she had a surgery to remove some MASSIVE polyps around one ovary. However, because of how intwined they were, the ovary also had to be removed. So she’s down to one, and it doesn’t function properly either.

Combine that with my own issues, and we were actually told last year that it would never happen for us.

Of course, then that close call I mentioned a few min ago happened. So now, we don’t know what to think. Like I said earlier: enjoy what time we have, work my ass off for causes I care about while I don’t have kids, so that once I do I can do what needs to be done for them.

iRun

December 9th, 2010
11:06 am

Jeff, I feel for T. There’s no quality of life with polyps. I was a walking period (sorry TMI). But it’s a no-win situation. Best of luck!

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

December 9th, 2010
11:09 am

@iRun re: Tairy Greene…like everything else on the internet…just because you CAN post something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD post something.

Erica

December 9th, 2010
11:10 am

I wanted to add an additional comment regarding expanding one’s family by adoption. Adoption is a wonderful means to expand one’s family and to experience the joys of parenthood by giving a child a loving and secure home. My husband and I have favorably discussed adoption on several occassions, and I won’t say its completely off our radar. That being said, it is a whole other level when adoption becomes your family’s means for expansion due to secondary inferility. Infertility is like the death process and it requires a period of grieving as well, prior to pursuing the very long, stressful (and expensive) road of adoption, especially while parenting another child. Yes, I believe in God and infertility is one of those unknown “whys” that you may never understand why God has allowed it to be a challenge for our family. All we can hold onto is continued hope, a whole lot of faith, and a belief that God is the ultimate giver of life and has His own plan for our lives and our families. That still does not make the climb any less challenging from time to time.

iRun

December 9th, 2010
11:17 am

But the person who posted as Tairy Greene isn’t Tairy Greene and doesn’t even mean or believe what he/she said. It was simply an act of throwing a rock at a beehive. Just recognize it for what it is and decide if you even want to waste your time responding. Afterall, you have a beehive to tend to!

OK, so that whole analogy made me sick of myself…ugh…

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

December 9th, 2010
11:20 am

Sorry guys — that took me so long to get off the page — I wasn’t near my computer — sorry!!

JBoston

December 9th, 2010
11:30 am

My husband and I stuggled for years to conceive using whatever methods science allowed us. After 4 failed IVF cycles and a myriad of other procedures we have taken an indefinite break from trying. I think its inevitable to feel like a failure when a basic human right is ripped away from you. It is especially hard to witness others become parents who take their children, their health and their ability to conceive for granted. Infertility is still a taboo topic in todays’ society. It is forced to be handled privately because so many see it as a personal problem as opposed to a public health crisis. I hope to see this change. I give so much credit to Giuliana Rancic and her husband Bill for starting a more public conversation about such private matters.

catlady

December 9th, 2010
11:41 am

While I have some friends with fertility issues, I feel totally inadequate to comment. Would that all children have a stable, loving home! MJG covers this well in her comment this morning.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

December 9th, 2010
11:48 am

Second topic up off of a biz story about iPad and iPhone free app games that end up costing parents a bunch — it’s called a micro-transaction and it’s how gamer makers make their money!

http://blogs.ajc.com/momania/2010/12/09/parents-beware-of-micro-transactions-ipad-app-game-charges-add-up/

iRun

December 9th, 2010
11:52 am

JBoston, how is it a public health crisis in the US? I work in public health and while there are reproductive health fields, fertility isn’t a public health crisis here. It’s well-known that the higher rates of infertility have more to do with women delaying the onset of childbirth to advanced maternal age. From a global perspective infertility can be considered a public health issue related to infections, specifically HIV and STIs. That being said, I would put forth that infertility is a societal issue (see: taboo), which explains why men and women’s mental health suffer when they experience infertility.

But as a medical matter, it’s entirely private. That does not mean private = keep it to yourself. It just means it’s about you and you alone in a medial sense. This is entirely separate from public health.

I say all that but I absolutely do not mean that women and men should suffer silently, or feel guilt, or shame, or failure. And I agree that it doesn’t need to be handled privately.

ftmom

December 9th, 2010
11:56 am

Having two miscarriages at 13 weeks, after we had told everyone and thought we were past the danger stage didn’t make me “feel like a failure.” Sad, cheated, un-blessed or not lucky, maybe, but not a failure. However, eventually having a child who is now almost an adult who is autistic and suffers from epilepsy makes me feel like a failure as a mom everyday. Hearing other moms brag about “my son in pharmacy school” or “my daughter who got into UGA easily” make me feel like a failure as my child will never make it into UGA, although that is his dearest dream. I just pray he passes the graduation exam before his 5 chances run out, and can have a high-school diploma, not an easy thing these days when there is only one diploma track for everyone, whether they are “gifted” or “special.”

A miscarriage is a tragedy, but it is not the end of your story. You still have many options.

iRun

December 9th, 2010
12:03 pm

Oh, ftmom, you broke my heart. You’re not a failure because your son is autistic and epileptic! How could that be your fault?!?

JATL

December 9th, 2010
12:22 pm

@ftmom -you are NOT a failure! I understand what you’re saying, but to raise a special needs child with epilepsy and autism to being 18 years of age is anything but a failure! Your child has made it through school and is taking the graduation test -that in itself is fantastic! Whenever you hear another mom brag about her child’s achievements, think to yourself -or say it to them -”I’ve raised a child with autism and epilepsy and gotten him all the way through school.” Not to take away from other proud moms, but to me, your accomplishment is far greater. Whenever I get overwhelmed with my two sons, I think of parents like you. Be proud of yourself and your son!

@JJ -I hear you! Oone of my biggest pet peeves -especially when it comes to infertility issues -is when super-religious folks go through IVF and all sorts of procedures to conceive -and then when their doctor tells them all 5 or 6 embryos have implanted and suggests a reduction, they freak out about how horrible it would be to do that! So instead they risk every one of their fetuses, the mother’s life and many times the ones that survive have terrible problems. I saw a family like this on Discovery several years ago. They had 7 babies at once through IVF. All but one child died at birth or soon after, and the one who survived has Cerebral Palsy and is blind and deaf. Their previous doctor was interviewed and you could feel his disgust. He simply stated that had they reduced to 2 or 3, it was highly likely all of those would have survived without any complications. Yes, I know there are exceptions to the rule who have 5 healthy babies at once – like the moron whose name we dare not mention on this blog -but they are the exception. I feel like, if you’re going to play God -then play God all the way. If you think everything happens for a reason and everything is determined by God -then accept the infertility. Maybe God is telling you to adopt!

DB

December 9th, 2010
12:26 pm

@ftmom: ((((((Hugs)))))) to you, your son’s issues are certainly not your fault, any more than the color of his hair or the color of his eyes.

You’re just like every other parent — you have to take your child on his terms, and help him be the best he can be. In your case, the terms are challenging. I think you can be forgiven for mourning what might have been, but you’re only a failure if there was something that you could have done that would have made a difference — and there isn’t.

Me

December 9th, 2010
12:34 pm

I feel like a failure because my reproductive system doesn’t function properly without the use of fertility drugs (or birth control pills). I feel like I don’t have control over my body and that it’s my fault that I can’t conceive. I don’t know if this was something I did, something that happened to me at one time or if this was something I was born with.

motherjanegoose

December 9th, 2010
12:34 pm

@ Another Jeff…LOL…this IS how I make my living…I do have books, CDs and am on the lecture circuit too…thanks for the vote of confidence…two days in a row now from different folks…I will try to keep it in mind when the chips are down!

ftmom…I am very sorry if I hurt your feelings regarding my son who is in Pharmacy School…it was never my intention. For the record, neither getting into Pharmacy School ( my son) nor getting into UGA ( my daughter) was EVER easy for my children. Being a proud parent is something I do.

My own parents never expressed pride in our accomplishments ( usually criticism) and so I try to be supportive of my children when they have worked hard to achieve their goal.

I work with lots of SLPs who are using my written materials for young children with autism and am delighted when they tell me of their break throughs.

You are in my prayers today.

Erica

December 9th, 2010
12:37 pm

@FTMom: You are not a failure, but a mom, who loves and cares so much for her child and acts daily in a selfless manner to ensure his wellbeing. You are a heroine to me and to your son! I agree with you that miscarriages aren’t the end of the story. Sometimes I feel like God allowed me to have issues with childbearing for two reasons: 1) to remind me that He is the life giver, not medical science (which is wonderful and a blessing to many), and 2) to help me be an even more appreciative mom, as I truly know what a gift a child is. Frankly, going through pregnancy loss has helped me be a more patient person and parent. Lemons……lemonade …..

PS. DB: Your comments to FTmom are sooooo right!

mom of 3

December 9th, 2010
12:40 pm

What a sad blog especially after I just got home from hearing the wonderful sound of my 1st grandsons heartbeat. Never having experienced the loss of a baby I can’t imagine the guilt and pain a woman and man must feel. My daughter was born legally blind in one eye, a birth defect, and to this day, I still go over in my head what did I do during my pregnancy when her eyes were forming and connecting to her brain to make it not successful. She is the one pregnant now and I don’t think I have ever prayed so hard for a healthy normal baby because of the guilt when a mother has a child that isn’t 100% perfect.
I hope and pray for all of you that have lost a baby that you will be blessed by either the birth or adoption of your own child. God bless

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

December 9th, 2010
12:41 pm

After my wife miscarried my mom told me it was all i God’s plan…I told her if that was true then God was an idiot. You can imagine how that went over.

iRun

December 9th, 2010
1:16 pm

Tiger…I like the way you think…the whole thing just sucks for the people it happens to and I don’t understand the point of denying people their grief by tucking it under some mysterious act we shouldn’t try to understand.

If something took away my son I’d wail like a banshee and howl at the moon and rage at the world until I died.

Sorry, yall…

Bluebell Jones

December 9th, 2010
1:31 pm

Oh, you are not failures at all! If you want to have children and your body will not allow it then it’s not your fault. Please do not take that on. I know it must seem that this is something that every woman is supposed to be able to do but in reality there are many, many women who can not. I have two friends that were only able to carry to term by lying in bed for 6 months. After several miscarriages. My assistant has lost five fetuses. And would adopt but she and her husband don’t have the money for it. Two of my friends have had fetuses that didn’t have heartbeats. One made it. All these women have had serious reproductive issues. It’s ok to like yourself if you can’t do this. It’s NOT your fault! It sounds like you all have a lot of love to give. I am truly sorry about your sad losses but they do not make you less a person. Please don’t condemn yourselves over this.
And JTAL, if you do not stop talking about poor people “breeding like rats” I’m going to have to tell your minister that you have no love for your fellow man. This is no more your business than it is Ted Turners. You don’t have to be financially sound or educated to have a child. You just have to love them. The phrase “seeding, breeding machines on public assistance” is incredibly mean spirited. Maybe you need to go over to one of the conservative blogs where your obvious racism might find some acceptance.

Bluebell Jones

December 9th, 2010
1:37 pm

There is one more thing I would like to add before I get flamed: women do not seem to tell people when they have had a miscarriage. I have been amazed by this. I think it’s incredibly important to get as much support as possible-it shouldn’t be hidden away. Its an awful thing to have happen-you need to protect one another, tell the story of the sadness in a loving envionment. I have watched so many women hide this as though they are lesser people for it having happened. This stigma needs to go. Sad things happen and you need help to cope with them.