Are they really mean girls or is my daughter hormonal?

About two weeks ago my 9-year-old came home very upset and said some girls were being mean to her. She said this one girl in particular was picking on her in different classes and multiple times.

The first stuff she told me seemed like the girl was being bossy and pretty easy to deal with. The other item was that the little girl was talking about Rose and making fun of her to another little girl in music class. Apparently they didn’t think Rose was doing the dance moves correctly. Rose felt like it was obvious they were talking about her.

It’s hard for me to tell if Rose is being overly sensitive or if this little girl is going after her. Rose kept tearing up telling me but first three months of school never mentioned this little girl or her being mean to her. So did she have a bad day or has it built up all the time?

I don’t know the little girl or her family. I mentioned it another mom at school whose daughter is friends with Rose. She said her daughter had mentioned similar things. She said she though the other little girl was actually the hormonal one. She said she was very hot and cold to her daughter.

I want Rose to learn to handle things herself but then I keep thinking about that little boy last year that hung himself after allegedly being bullied. So I want to take her complaints seriously and want her to know I am concerned and there to help her.

Do I need to let the teacher know just so she’s aware of just let the little girls work it out for themselves?

I told Rose that that if the little girl tried to boss her she should  tell her that she had things under control and to please mind her own business. The dance moves are tough. It’s a lot harder to confront someone if you think they’re talking about you and not come off a little bit crazy. I told her if she felt brave she could say “I would appreciate it if you would stop talking about me.” She said she might say that if her friend stood next to her.

I asked Rose what was going on lately with the little girl and she said her friend defended her one day and the little girl has backed off.

I still can’t decide if I should mention the tension to the teacher so she can keep her eye on things or just wait and see what happens? Also still not sure how to evaluate a bad day versus a hormonal day versus girls just being mean to each other?

Please give advice on analyzing hormones and little girls being mean to each other? How do you handle? When you inform the teacher, other parents? At what level do you just leave it for your child to handle? Do you let them handle but let the teacher know it’s going down?

42 comments Add your comment

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Jeff

November 3rd, 2010
8:11 am

You know where I stand on bullying. But I say you let it go for now and pay attention to Rose’s mood the next week or so. There aould be some good lessons for her to learn on her own if it turns out the “mean girl” only acts that way sporadically. If that appears to be the case, I would make that a point of conversation later and that sometimes people are just like that.

I’ve always enjoyed the phrase “I’m sorry you’re apparently having a bad day. I hope it gets better.” It sends several messages at once.

motherjanegoose

November 3rd, 2010
8:19 am

OH YEAH…there really are mean girls who then turn into mean women. After my thoughts yesterday on cussing…it is all about environment and what is expected or tolerated. Some families would tolerate cussing and look with disdain on a child who is snarky and some families dispise the cussing but the whole family behaves snarky.

Just flying on an airplane “brings out the mean” in some people and there was a man, last week, who was mean and spewing profanity at the flight attendant and others around him. She asked him to settle down and watch his language. He did not comply. I felt sorry for her as it was not her fault the flight was 30 minutes late.

TWG…you have a long sidewalk ahead of you with mean girls…I have walked on it with my daughter and so have others on this blog. I remember when I taught 2nd grade and was not yet a Mom. Those girls could really be evil!

Photius

November 3rd, 2010
8:20 am

HELLICOPTER MOMMY! QUIT MEDDLING IN EVERY MINUTE PART OF YOUR CHILD’S LIFE AND LET THEM FIGURE IT OUT.

1sus

November 3rd, 2010
8:22 am

Oh, yes, the girls ARE mean! I’ve been amazed at some of the stories from my 4th grader. I’ve clearly told her just to avoid some of the trouble makers in her class!

JJ

November 3rd, 2010
8:27 am

Jeff is spot on!!

And yes there are mean girls and it all starts with jealousy. We covered that topic a few weeks back. Girls are vicious.

DB

November 3rd, 2010
8:32 am

Umm — what difference does it make WHY she is “mean”? Hormonal or bad manners, it doesn’t matter. No one is doing a girl any favors by excusing poor behavior simply because of an excess of hormones. Why on earth would you give a 9 year old that kind of ammunition? “Oh, she isn’t responsible for her behavior, because she’s hormonal!” If anything, girls need to be taught that regardless of how they might be feeling when they woke up that morning, that is no excuse for abusing those around you. A little self-awareness coaching may be in order — they are ALWAYS responsible for how they act and what they say.

OK, got that off my chest. :-)

Sounds like Rose has some tools to deal with the problem. Give her a chance to work it out, and stay out of it. This week’s enemy is next week’s best friend forever.

Lori

November 3rd, 2010
8:51 am

I agree with letting in play out for a while. If you step in and make a mountain out of a molehill you could make things a lot worse for her, not just from these girls but from others who find out about mommy stepping in. Girls are mean. Most of the time it’s just going to be girls making fun of girls behind their backs and sometimes your daughter may overhear. It’s just the way girls are. If they start confronting her directly and threateningly, then it’s time to step in. But otherwise, you need to teach her to let it roll off her like water of a duck’s back. Teach her to be confident in herself and it won’t matter what other girls say about her. Low self esteem is what this is. The girls who make fun of others do it because they themselves have low self esteem and it makes them feel better to put others down. But having low self esteem also makes you a target for them. Teach your daughter to be confident with herself and she won’t be a target because they won’t be able to bother her.

Betty

November 3rd, 2010
8:55 am

I’m interested in hearing everyone’s responses today as well. I don’t know why little girls can be so mean to each other and I am amazed at how young it starts. I want my daughter to work things out with her friends but it seems like she comes home every other day with stories about how ugly one of her “friends” was to her. I’ve explained that friends don’t treat each other that way and to stay away from certain people she doesn’t get along with but they just keep wanting to hang out together and feed off each other’s drama. I don’t get it.

JATL

November 3rd, 2010
8:58 am

Hmmm -I think at this point you should see what happens. Let Rose know that YOU want to know whenever the girl does or says something, but also tell her that, unfortunately, there are mean people everywhere who we have to learn to deal with and furthermore -ignore. Reiterate that she should tell the girl she doesn’t want her to say certain things to her. I know if some states they have what they call “a bug and a wish” where they advise students to tell others, “It really bugs me when you say (or do) that and I wish you would stop.” When are the next round of parent/teacher conferences? If they’re coming up soon, you could bring it up then to see if the teacher has noticed anything. If this starts to be a daily situation that won’t stop, and Rose is continuously coming home upset, you need to go ahead and get in touch with the teacher. Make sure she gives you a step-by-step plan for what she’s going to do -speak to the girl, contact her parents, etc. If it still continues, ask the teacher if she contacted the parents, get the school administration involved and demand to meet with the girl’s parents at the school. There are mean girls everywhere, but they need to know they’ll be dealt with.

DB

November 3rd, 2010
9:04 am

One last thought: We all have stories of how “mean” other girls are to our daughters, but honestly — how many of our daughters have dished it out, too? Not our sweet innocents!? They don’t come home and tell us what bitchy thing they said about the girl next to them at recess, or being part of a group that teases another kid, or deliberately chose to sit with another friend at lunch, or make some sort of disparaging remark about someone’s clothes, etc.

FCM

November 3rd, 2010
9:11 am

I am with Jeff and DB on this….take it serious but don’t get involved at this time. Just make sure Rose knows to talk to you about it.

The kids are told that bullying is an act that is done repeatedly, with intent, to the same person by the same person. BLUBBER by Judy Blume addresses this issue very well. So you might encourage Rose to read that WITH you and discuss it.

Yes girls can be mean. Yes their hormones do play a part. No that does not give them a free pass to be that way.

On the flip side my own Darling Daughter has been on both sides of this coin. Since we started really talking about it we have seen some changes on both sides too…the book (above) and her After School Program started a “girls club” where the 4-5th grade girls all talk it out once a week in a group seems to be helping.

JATL

November 3rd, 2010
9:33 am

@FCM -LOVE “Blubber”! I can still see the photo book cover of the copy I read in elementary school. It is a great book for Rose’s age about mean girls!

A

November 3rd, 2010
9:56 am

Seriously, what’s with the hormones? Why are you talking about that?

Kate

November 3rd, 2010
10:34 am

Nine year old girls have hormones? That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that. Nine year old boys have been known to misbehave as well but I’ve never heard anyone suggest their hormones were to blame! Either way, I don’t doubt for a second that Rose is not exaggerating the situation. Girls of all ages can be SO mean! Every bit as bad as boys, and sometimes much worse. I would definitely give Rose a chance to handle this herself before I got involved, though. I remember when I was having the same issues with another girl in my class when I was 10. Generally speaking, my mom was of the free-range variety (at least until I hit puberty) but one day she came to my school for some function and decided to take it upon herself to have a talk with this girl right in front of all of us even though I had already handled the problem and the girl and I were actually friends by that time. I was so embarrassed! My mom made me look like a tattle tale and a crybaby. Ah, the evils of helicopter parenting!

bunch of yentas

November 3rd, 2010
11:25 am

I don’t have a dauughter, but I have taught my son how to throw a punch and where and when to throw it.

If he was in a similar situation as Rose with the dancing, he has been taught to look the other child in the eye and say, “I am telling you to back off now. This is your only warning” and if they don’t stop, break their nose. We can deal with a week suspension.

ABC

November 3rd, 2010
11:28 am

I’m sorry but I think I’m going to have to quit reading this blog. The helicopter parenting and other neuroses of TWG and some of the posters is just ridiculous. I’m going to stick with John Kessler and his new crew for all the latest in the Atlanta food scene.

Teaching personal responsibility

November 3rd, 2010
12:02 pm

My 11yr old daughter comes home from school at least once a week with a story of how someone said something or took her pencil or rolled their eyes at her… As her mother, I listen then put it in perspective for her. I teach her to be self-assured. It is MY JOB to give her coping skills that will benefit here throughout life -NOT to scream victim. I teach her (and her two high school brothers) to take responsibility for themselves.
The issue hit home recently when my daughter was accused of bullying a long time friend. She was joking with this friend and the girl took it seriously. The mother fed into it and created a very unnecessary situation. The escalation of it turned out to be more detrimental the accused act of bullying.
It is our job as parents to be an ear for our children while providing them with strength and personal responsibility, keeping it in perspective.
Bullying can be serious and such situations need to addressed immediately. By reacting to every eye roll or argument over a seat in the cafeteria, we are creating an even bigger
issue for our kids.

And for the record, girls aren’t any meaner than boys– boys end arguments with a punch in the arm and move on. They are more forgiving .I can also say that there are so many phenomenal, kind, empathetic and intelligent kids out there – these are the kids I encourage my children to surround themselves with and these are the types of adults I choose to surround myself with!.

FCM

November 3rd, 2010
12:38 pm

@ JATL…Sounds like the same book cover as the one we are reading. Copyright 1978 on that edition. It was actually my book at about her age. I found the price of the book on the back $1.95. IF ONLY it were that price today!!!!

JATL

November 3rd, 2010
1:10 pm

@FCM -awwwww, I’ll bet it’s the same one -”Blubber” standing in front of the chalk board? I need to look for my old Judy Blumes. I know my mother kept them somewhere!

FCM

November 3rd, 2010
1:41 pm

@JATL yep same one…complete with wide collar and bellbottoms on “Jill” the silly prep skirt on “Wendy” and the corduroy jumper (purple) and stripped knee socks on “Linda”.

Alexandra

November 3rd, 2010
1:54 pm

Bullying should be taken very seriously. Go to http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/ with your daughter. To get more information for yourself go to http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/adults/default.aspx Hope these sites help. And yes, teachers should be involved. Kids should be taught that bulling is not something that should be tolerated.

pj

November 3rd, 2010
2:46 pm

No. stop spreading the sexism. Virtually NOTHING girls do can compare to rape, date abuse, male to male fighting, etc. that goes on in our society. Apparently these things are considered normal when men do them, since there are articles about men raping children and killing their own (sometimes) pregnant wives/girlfriends and children, but when a woman (rarely) does the same thing, it’s on the cover of Time. Boys are as emotionally cruel as girls too – ask a boy who is “wimpy,” etc. how he gets treated. Any harrassment/bullying my children have experienced in school has been perpetrated equally by boys and girls.

pws

November 3rd, 2010
3:05 pm

OK, Teresa, I’m not sure this will help, but here goes! I raised two girls, four years apart in age. The first one had the personlity of a “middle of the roader”, hence she seemed to be able to make friends with both the “mean group” and the “nice group” as I will call them here of girls. The second one, however, was more sensitive to other people, and has always been that way, therefore she picked up on the actions of the “mean girls” more and noticed them more, and also noticed that the teachers didn’t seem to notice the mean behavior. In fact, the girls that were indeed the mean ones would appear to be just the opposite when the teachers were watching! So discussing these issues with the teacher may not help you much, it may just put Rose in an akward situation with the teacher.

The mean girls were also good at getting the other girls into trouble, while not getting themselves in trouble, they were expert manipulators. My tried to teach my daughter that the best way to avoid all of that drama was to just stay away from the mean girls, and as others have stated that just because they were acting that way didn’t mean that she needed to act that way. And as MJG stated earlier, this is just the beginning, Teresa of Rose having to deal with the mean girls. Teach her to be independant, and to have good self esteem as others have also stated, so that she can ignore the mean girls and their behavior.

My youngest attended a small private school, and this was worse there than it would have been in public school, I think. My daughter had more guy friends in high school than girl friends, and that made the mean girls worse, because they were jelous of her having her guy friends. She never learned how to play the girl games because I taught her that it’s best not to play them, but it wasn’t easy for her all the way through high school. When she got to college, she finally had close girl friends, because she met girls there who thought more like she did. This is my daughter that is now applying to med school, and it’s because she has this empathy for other people. She’s always had that, and I think that made her more vulnerable to the actions of the mean girls when she was growing up.

I would do as others have suggested, keep the communication lines open with Rose, but I would not go to the teacher about it just yet. As I said earlier, that may make the situation much worse for Rose, because the mean girl may be the teacher’s favorite, and she won’t see the mean girl behavior! I hope this helps, just keep telling Rose to hang in there, and to remember that she doesn’t want to act like the mean girls, it should help her be just the opposite.

Denise

November 3rd, 2010
3:33 pm

I don’t understand the whole “hormonal” comments. Are 9 year olds “hormonal”? Or are they just mean? Or are they just sensitive? Either way, nothing justifies being a pain in the rear so who cares if someone’s “hormones” are making them misbehave. If your daughter is overly sensitive – like ME – you should do some work with her on how people can be mean and how to deal with it. Also, make sure she understands that not everyone will like her, not everyone will want to be her friend, and that is okay. Let her know that it is okay to not like some people (as long as you are still respectful) and it’s okay not to be friends with some people (again, as long as you are respectful, not mean or bullying). It has taken me a while to learn the lesson “everybody is not like you”. It takes the stress out of some situations because I try not to say “I would not have done that….” So what, not everybody is like me.

Denise

November 3rd, 2010
3:36 pm

Oh, and the “not everybody is not like me” is not being cocky. Lord knows I’m glad I have people around me who are not as sensitive and passive as I can be. I need my friends to snap me back to reality some times…and let me know if I’m overreacting, not reacting when I should, etc. I definitely need reminders not to care more for folks than they care for and about themselves.

Sandra

November 3rd, 2010
3:39 pm

A lot of adult women act the same way. How many times do you “overhear” women talking together and sniping at someone. One type are the women that will loudly talk to their friends about another woman (within her hearing). They take potshots at everything from the way she parts her hair to the way she raises her children. Then there are the lookers. The ones that talk in whispers in huddled groups where everyone occasionally glances at the object of their conversation.

Mean is what happened to my oldest son 3 years ago before he hit his growth spurt. A group of around 6 boys attacked my son and three of his friends. Two of my son’s friends ran away but my son stayed to help his other friend. His friend was hit and kicked in the head and my son was hit to the ground and stomped on by several boys. He had no chance at defending himself against 3 or 4 boys and neither did his friend. This was at school here in the United Kingdom during break time. The school was very good in dealing with the problem and the other boy’s mother also called the police. My son has grown alot in those 3 years and now at 14 is just a tiny bit shy of being 6′ tall with broad shoulders and nobody bothers him any more.

Mean is when I was a kid in rural Georgia and most days I was spat on, hit and had my school supplies ruined or stolen.

SUNNY

November 3rd, 2010
3:41 pm

Hormonal,,,,,,,,,,,WTF. I was a Admin. helper and class helper in elem. and middle school until my last child went to high school.
GIRLS ARE MEAN, AND THEY CUSS AND FIGHT. AND THEY HAVE ALL THESE LITTLE CLICKS.
AND TO BE REAL ABOUT IT THE SCHOOLS DO OVER LOOK A LOT OF THINGS.
I’VE SEEN GIRLS START ALL KINDS OF MESS.
MOTHERS AND FATHERS NEED TO TAKE CONTROL. WE NEED TO STOP MAKING UP SAYING LIKE SHES HORMONAL, SHE DIDN’T SLEEP WELL OR SHE NEED TO CATCHT UP ON HER SLEEP.WE MAKE EXCUSES SO OUR CHILDREN DO BAD THINGS TO OTHER CHILDREN AND PEOPLE.
PARENTS NEED TO BE PARENTS AND STOP BEING FRIENDS WITH YOUR CHILDREN.

Casey

November 3rd, 2010
3:54 pm

It doesn’t sound like your daughter is really being bullied. I think someone mentioned this before, but let’s be careful of putting these young girls in discrete groups of ‘mean girls’, ‘nice girls’, ‘poor innocent victims’. I was chubby from 6th grade until the middle of 9th grade (thanks weight watchers!:) and was bullied by many people. I can tell you stories that would make you cry, but the thing is that I wasn’t innocent of being ‘mean’ either. My point is that I doubt any kid is that perfect and you really need to understand the difference between true bullying and normal child/adolescent behavior. I think a lot of you are just overly sensitive to your child’s feelings getting hurt versus a real problem.

Also, for the record, I was fine from high school on and after being truly bullied (think stepping on the school bus with my equally chubby friend to the entire bus mooing) we were able to stand up for others against bullies and still do it until this day (20 years later). Actually, during my masters program last year I was doing group work with 5 other women and the instructor accused me of bullying them because I made all the decisions for the group……which was true, but we were a wish washy bunch and a lunch location could take 3 hours to decide so I felt I had to be the decision maker:)

Norma Jones

November 3rd, 2010
3:58 pm

Mean little girls grow up to be mean and nasty women. The void lies within them. They are usually insecure and in need of help. You should talk to the teacher to help this child address whatever her problems and issues are that cause her to take them out on your child.

Producer

November 3rd, 2010
4:02 pm

Girls can be much more hurtful and mean that boys ever could. I’ve witnessed firsthand the devastating effects that bullying can have on the person targeted. Take it to the cops. Save the text messages and get it on tape. Build your case and then take legal action. Doesn’t matter if it happens off campus either. There have been way too may girls psychologically damaged by little b***h punks. Too many suicides. Bullying is a serious crime. Let them live with the results of their actions.

motherjanegoose

November 3rd, 2010
4:14 pm

@casey…I was chubby too, as a child and called tub ‘o lard. As an adult, I have learned to value what is on the inside of people ( character) and not just look at the outside.

I have met so many wonderful people that would never win a popularity nor beauty contest. I want my own kids to be comfortable in their own skin…this is why I value education and manners…something that will not change no matter if you are 25 or 75…being able to handle life with a gracious attitude and YES it does take a strong effort some days…LOL

FYI folks…teachers are not miracle workers and in today’s world it is tricky to get in the middle of this.

Some teachers simply do not want to get involved…teacher calling a parent:

“Oh hi, your child is perhaps the rudest child in the class and downright mean to everyone else. He/she instigates most of the trouble in our class. I am sure you had no idea and that you will nip it in the bud so that we will not have another episode in our classroom…thanks so much for understanding!”

LOL…this is not a cow patty many teachers want to step into.

To me, it boils down to what parents tolerate and they are tolerating a lot more than they used to…I read it on this blog, hear it from teachers and see it in my life every day. Personal accountability and respect is not as common as it used to be. Teachers get stuck with things they never expected!

Denise

November 3rd, 2010
4:17 pm

Question – Is all “being mean” bullying now? If adults do not know the difference how can we know how to handle the situations that are presented? Without more details, I’m not sure Rose is being bullied but then again, maybe my child-free eyes are missing something.

Tiffany

November 3rd, 2010
4:27 pm

Give your daughter a chance to handle the situation on her own. If things don’t improve…then it is time to get the teacher involved. Many times teachers are unaware of these situations and can prove helpful. If Rose is not too embarrassed, she could confide in the teacher herself about it…this will help her to deal with her own problems. Keep an eye on things however. You may need to become involved if the situation does not improve. These kinds of situations do need to be taken seriously…even young girls can be mean and nasty. This girl needs to be dealt with.

Cammi317

November 3rd, 2010
4:27 pm

Theresa, unfortunately Rose is going to have to learn to grow a tougher skin. Elementary school has NOTHING on middle school. My daughter is in 7th, and I have to tell you there are some TRULY MEAN children in middle school…

ShellyK

November 3rd, 2010
4:31 pm

I also have two daughters four years apart. The older one is 17. Mean girls were evident as early as second grade, and probably even sooner. I am a Girl Scout leader for my older daughter (since kindergarten), and I’ve seen and dealt with it first hand. As a leader, you can’t allow the cliques to function in your environment. They’ll do it anyway, but you don’t need to allow them to do it around you. The girls will listen. One of the girls who was mean in fourth grade is still mean today as a junior in high school. My advice is still the same – stay away from her as much as you can; be nice and don’t give the teachers any reason to think you are the one causing problems. Sounds wimpy, but it’s life. You’re not going to punch a mean boss or co-worker (unless you don’t want a job or you want to go to jail). They have to learn to deal with it. However, at your daughter’s age, there are some tools (besides Girl Scouts) for helping them deal – our elemengary school offered “friendship circles” where girls who were butting heads would get together and work with the school counselor to talk about their issues and make a plan for getting along. It was a big help for my older daughter. The younger one sometimes is the one girls are being mean to, and sometimes she is being mean – it’s a popularity thing. The older daughter didn’t care about popularity so middle school was much easier for her, but the younger one does so she’s going through a little more trouble. When her popular friends are being nice to her, then she tends to band together with them and be mean to whomever is out (I haven’t caught her yet, but I’m sure it’s coming); when the popular girls decide my daughter is “out” for some reason, then they’re all mean to her. It’s cyclical. They grow out of that part of it and tend to keep together in their own circles in high school. I do worry a little about the recent reports of suicide (there was an 11-year old special needs boy in my daughter’s class last year who shot and killed himself – it was heartbreaking), but you just have to watch for signs of depression (withdrawal, etc.) and then get involved if necessary. If nothing else, counseling could help with some coping strategies if your child is super-sensitive. Anyway, good luck. My best advice is just to talk, talk, talk with your daughter. Talk to her about how it feels when other girls are mean so she can be sure she doesn’t inadvertently hurt someone else’s feelings. I agree, by the way, that “mean girl” stuff is not necessarily bullying. It can cross the line, but it’s also just part of pre-teen/teenager culture.

motherjanegoose

November 3rd, 2010
5:14 pm

I may have mentioned this before but when my daughter was in 4th grade a “new girl” came to class.
She befriended my daughter and confided that she did not want her to be friends with **** who was and still is our next door neighbor. My daughter confided in me, as we did and do talk about most everything. I told her, “uh…no…***** has lived next door for 2 years and may be there a long time…you are not going to exclude her in favor of someone else.”

Guess what….we have no idea what ever happened to **** but my daughter and the neighbor girl are still friends as are all of us as parents.

THIS is where I felt I needed to step in and give an opinion.

Girls can and will be toots. My daughter came home from HS where 2 girls were knocking the fiddlesticks out of each other and having a cat fight. She was baffled and asked me why in the world girls would do this? Not all girls are ugly with words…some use their fists too! Scary stuff but
Cammi317 is right…TWG you have not seen a thing until middle school and high school….put on your seatbelt…it is a roller coaster. You will not be able to solve all problems….just listen and share your thoughts….keep the communication open.

Casey

November 3rd, 2010
6:02 pm

I just outed my chubby past to point out that there is a BIG difference between being excluded or made fun of versus really being bullied day in and day out. I think if all of us women are truly honest with ourselves we will realize that we have probably been on both sides of it and learning to deal with it is an important coping skill for life. Trust me, being bullied as the chubby kid was a blessing in disguise as I learned to deal with adversity, stand up for myself, and it helped the development of a real personality. All of this was very beneficial to me later in life.

My point, and I think others’ points, is that it is going to get worse so it’s better to let her learn to deal with it now. The best way to deal with it is to ignore the bully and show no fear because that makes it worse.Teach and help your daughter develop and show the bullies her strength and they will leave her alone. And never be afraid to stand up for people who are weaker and who may need her help.

As for the dancing……well, laughter is the best medicine so if she’s just not the best dancer than this is a good time for her to learn to laugh at herself and take that power away from anyone else. My singing will make your ears bleed, but I still gladly (and laughingly) belt out any song on the radio:)

catlady

November 3rd, 2010
6:52 pm

One thing you can do for Rose is NOT get upset. That reinforces her fear and pain. If she wants to talk to you about the problem, listen and ask her, “What do YOU plan to do?” or “What can you do?” I think it is wise to rehearse with her how she could respond. See if she can enumerate her options.

Now, if the problem evolves (am I allowed to say that word in Georgia?) into physical contact, THEN you go to the teacher AND counselor. Rose needs some options to deal with unpleasant people, but she does NOT have to be assaulted.

When my daughters had to deal with folks like this, I asked her, ” Why do you want to be friends with people who treat you like that?” Allow Rose to develop her skills.

Sandra

November 3rd, 2010
7:20 pm

Well, Being bullied for me was not a blessing. I wasn’t being bullied for being chubby (a friend of mine was) but for not being “white” (my mom is from south east Asia and my dad has a little sprinkling of Native American). Because of this I didn’t really have any friends until high school. I think only blessing it might have given me was to make me more wary of people. I am always looking for the other face that a lot of people have. The private face that is hidden when you are looking at them face to face and only comes out when your back is turned.

I also think the people that are only being “honest” could also be classified as mean and bullies. Several years back I had an infection around my heart and was told that I could die from it (ended up in hospital for a week). I told my mother-in-law that I was scared of dying and never seeing my husband or children again. She told me that meant that I didn’t have a good relationship with God. I personally thought that was slightly mean. She thought she was being “honest”.

crella

November 3rd, 2010
9:26 pm

I think it’s not right to blame it on being ‘hormonal’…this absolves the girls of any responsibility. One can control one’s behavior despite hormonal fluctuations. If women truly couldn’t control their behavior because of hormones, then the argument could be made that they are too unreliable for certain jobs, for instance law enforcement or politics. ‘It’s my hormones’ makes a handy excuse but think of the flip side….if women use this excuse it can and will come around to bite them in the end. Hormones don’t cause bullying. To say so simplifies it and releases the perpetrators from responsibility , as well as making women look unstable.

deidre_NC

November 4th, 2010
12:14 pm

theresa….just teach rose that some people are mean and there is nothing you can do about it. mean people suck. if it gets physical…then rose whoudl punch her in the nose…now yall can all say im terrible…but that is the only way to stop a bully. having your mom or teacher step in only makes things worse in most cases. if the other girl is verbal, just tell rose to never ever let the girl know she gives a rats ass. tell her to laugh at the girl. people who are mean are wanting a certain reaction in order to make themselves feel higher and mightier than the one they are being mean to and when they get that reaction the behavior will continue. so as the commercial used to say ;never let them see you sweat’. i have found that in the most part when you dont give a reaction to a mean mouthed person they will stop. as i said if it become physical…then get physical back. if you dont believe in this then either your child will have to keep being bullied or you will have to step in or go to the teachers…you stepping in or going to the teachers is not gonna change anything. really.