Our very own Jesse’s Girl has contributed a guest blog for us also. You would know it was her even without the byline. It just sounds likes her! Sorry no photo! She is still anonymous.
By Jesse’s Girl
One of my dear friends has gone and done something she swore — under oath practically — that she would never in a million years do. She has procreated. Yes, my granola-crunching-the-world’s-population-is-too-big-already-and-to-make-amends-for-this-travesty-she-must-become-a-Peace-Corps-junkie….has spawned!
Recognizing the fact that I am the foremost authority on all things parenting/child related — due to the fact that Jesse and I have been slapped with every monster-rearing nightmare imaginable — she called me seeking wisdom. After I stopped laughing and crying, I told her I would do my level best to calm her fears. I did however remind her who I was, who my children were and that calling me was akin to asking Shirley MacLaine for advice on Christianity or Brittany Spears for the best place to pick up some pretty panties.
So in honor of my friend, I decided to compile a list of things by which she and her betrothed can ascertain whether they are truly ready for this journey. Although, she’s already knocked up, so this will just help her suss out her parental constitution. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves and add your own words of wisdom to the list:)
1. If gaining an obscene amount of weight…if waking up with a new set of fat rolls around parts of your body you weren’t aware of the night before…if swollen feet and earlobes don’t make you cringe too much…you may be ready.
2. If you go out to eat with your honey and the super-awesome people next to you bring their bundle o’ joy, and that swaddled mound of cuteness SCREAMS LIKE THE EVIL SPAWN OF A WILD BOAR AND A CHUPACABRA and you don’t get the urge to scoop out the parent’s eyes with your tea spoon…you may be ready.
3. If in the middle of what proves to be your first good night’s sleep in…oh I don’t know, FOREVER…you wake up with a damn near uncontrollable urge to smother the love of your life with his own pillow because you have been awakened yet again with satanic leg cramps that wouldn’t be happening had he not given you that fourth glass of wine six months ago…but you let him sleep because he’s just so cute….you may be ready.
4. If at your 18-week check up, the really sweet ultrasound tech thinks she hears TWO heartbeats but then corrects herself in that “oh silly me” way and you don’t jump off the table and beat her to death with a tongue depressor….you may be ready.
5. If after you arrive at the hospital and your precious birth plan is fashioned into a spitball ready to fire at the next SOB to walk through your door…but then the anesthesiologist walks in and you act as if Jesus himself has just brought the LAST Last Supper to you….you may be ready.
6. If after pushing for eleventy billion hours and the only action anyone is seeing “down there” is you pooping all over yourself and this doesn’t bother you in the slightest…you may be ready.
7. If your significant other witnesses this “action” and still looks at you as if you are a Greek Goddess…HE may be ready.
8. If after your sweet, perfect, pink, sticky, crusty and alien-like baby arrives and all you see is the sweet-perfect-pink-part….you may be ready.
9. If your marriage and/or relationship survived the fresh hell that is installing a carseat for the first time….you may be ready.
10. If you managed to baby-proof your home, made sure the chords to all the blinds were safely tied up, washed every stitch of clothing in unscented Dreft, changed to organic EVERYTHING, warned your love that poker night lives somewhere else now, read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” in both Spanish and English just cover all your bases, promised yourself you will NEVER be like your mother, pooped for the first time after the delivery and didn’t wish to die right there on the toilet, succumbed to the fact that everything for the next six months will make your boobs leak, and had a lovely funeral for the word “PERKY…..you just may be ready to have this kid and not totally suck at it.