Reader question: What skills to teach kids for successful independence?
We have a great topic from one of our regulars. MotherJane Goose wants us to think about the life skills we are imparting on our kids. Here’s her question:
“@T…what are the things children will need to know to be successfully independent in life?”
“If the goal is for children to be independent ( which it is for me and my children) would parents not want a road map of what needs to be done? What skills should all children have by the time they head out to college? When do you start these skills? I think this also lends into what Mrs. K is trying to say, some parents do not see the need for lifelong skills.”
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61 comments Add your comment
deidre_NC
July 27th, 2010
7:52 am
lots of great answers….im a little late to this one…i always made my kids ‘do their own asking’ at very young ages they were making their own doctors appointments etc…if they needed to ask a relative for any favor they had to do it….if they didnt want to do something someone asked them to they had to tell them and explain why etc…if they asked me something i didnt know i would show them how to find it….(before the days of google) of course now all they have to do is google it….but kids need to know where to find answers they need….i think that isnt a skill that is taught much…and it is a very important one!
DB
July 27th, 2010
8:36 am
@HB, I think you made a distinction that’s important re: working during school. Neither of my kids had jobs on school nights. They worked full-time jobs during their summers off, or they worked flexible jobs during the school year, such as babysitting and refereeing — things that they could do or refuse, depending on their school schedule. My daughter wanted to try to keep her hostessing job at the beginning of her senior H.S. year — I was skeptical, but it was her decision. She lasted two weeks, and decided on her own that her priorities needed to change, because she simply did NOT have time. She had a couple of regular babysitting clients that she could accept or decline (she’d do her homework with the kids!), but other than that, school was her main job.
Just Me
July 27th, 2010
9:29 am
JATL- You couldn’t manage money in your 30’s??
The best way to show kids how to be independent is by being independent yourself. Being a stay @ home mom that has a nanny & doesn’t do ANYTHING besides go to starbucks, shopping & then to the gym is not a good example of independence.. Your daughter will aspire to have a man with money, who will cheat on her with his secretary & your son will aspire to have a woman (hopefully)that is NOTHING like his mother.
Kids learn by examples more than chores!
DB
July 27th, 2010
10:28 am
@Just Me: Why is it so shocking that JATL — or anyone else — was still learning how to manage money in their 30’s? From what I can tell, bankruptcies aren’t limited to the 20-something age group. Heck, I’m in my 50s, and I’m still learning new and better ways. What’s wrong with that?
The rest of your post seems to be a bit of rant on stay-at-home moms (we didn’t all sip Starbucks and play tennis, y’know). I have to admit, I wonder if, after growing up in a SAHM home, my kids will consider it valuable or whether they will choose a different style of parenting when the time comes. My mother was a teacher, and was home on holidays and summers, but for the most part, she was definitely a working mom. She was surprised when I chose to be a SAHM — and quite frankly, so was I. I thought I was going to be a hard-charging workaholic with the live-in nanny and au pair. But, “life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” I don’t think either of my kids would dream of considering me “dependent” — hopefully, what they will take away from their childhood is that marriage and a family is shared teamwork, with each bringing their strengths (and weaknesses) to the table. Anyone who raises their kids to consider money the only measure of success is doing their kids a disservice, imho.
catlady
July 27th, 2010
10:52 am
debdoes, Count me as one of the few who agree with you. I don’t think kids in high school should have jobs. I think school/church/home should get their full attention. Of course, I am rather old-fashioned.
Now, I am not discounting volunteer work (I am a BIG believer in kids having a volunteer activity) nor the occasional lawn-moving, babysitting, yard-raking, or window-washing, especially if it is for a good cause like to pay for summer camp.
I just have always thought you will spend 40-50 years in employment, and during high school studying IS the job. In college, a little work does not hurt, especially on campus. (Student persistence research shows working on campus less than 20 hours per week is positively associated with completing the degree.)
Teresa, I think you will enjoy this. When I was in college, I did not work except for my next to last semester, a summer, when I was asked to be an asst RA in the dorm on the grad student floor. Mostly these were little old ladies back at school to get additional hours, and their problems were generally minor–mostly missing their families. We did have one that was convinced that there was a frog in the concrete brick wall (it was a cricket), several who were mad about the hs cheerleaders practicing outside the windows, and one who was suicidal. The experienced RA had her name on the door Sr Mary Ellen. Since I had junior status, I wrote my name Jr Catlady. One of my savvy Catholic friends was shocked–told me Sr meant sister, not senior! I told her the lady couldn’t be a nun–SHE WAS WEARING A WEDDING BAND! I learned a lot that summer.
DB
July 27th, 2010
12:59 pm
@Catlady: “she couldn’t be a nun, she was wearing a wedding band . . .” HAHAHAHAH! I was reading this while eating lunch at my desk and almost choked!
Working in college has helped my daughter organize her time much more efficiently — she works 15 hours a week, and knowing that she has that chunk of time out of her week means that she makes the other hours count more. She is impatient with her roommate who moans that she has “no time”, and yet has time to watch four or more hours of TV a day . . .
TechMom
July 27th, 2010
1:04 pm
Busy day yesterday so I missed the afternoon topic. Skimmed some of the comments and do agree with a lot of them. The boy is 15 and knows if he wants a vehicle, he has to save for it. We will match what he saves and will pay for gas to/from school only (he goes to a private school so no bus) but he’ll have to pay for gas for anything else he wants to do. I like the idea of saving the insurance deductible. Definitely going to consider that one.
I think allowing your kids to experience new things is a huge independence driver as well. People were shocked when I allowed my then-5-year-old to fly from Atlanta to Dallas alone to see my parents. It was a whopping hour and a half flight, I walked him to the gate and the attendant took him to his seat and then of course my mom met him at the gate in Dallas. But he learned that he had to sit politely on the place, entertain himself and ask for help when necessary. I also sent him to overnight camp starting when he was in 4th grade and last month he spent 2 weeks in Nicaragua on a mission trip.
I also agree with some of the other “Life Lessons” that don’t get taught at school. Changing a tire, budgeting, grocery shopping, manners, maintaining a house, etc. Parents who do everything for their kids are not helping them in the long-term.
JoDee
July 27th, 2010
9:31 pm
First aid and self care for minor illnesses……
motherjanegoose
July 27th, 2010
10:32 pm
@ JoDee…both of mine are CPR and First Aid Certified. Guess my husband and I are toast now that they will both be gone ;0 We do enjoy calling our son for information on Pharmaceuticals and it has come in handy for us, our family and friends!
REGINA
July 28th, 2010
4:35 am
DB I agree with your list. It is great advice. I think you should also get your children into pre-k as early as possible, kids today need to know so much more than when we were children or they will start school behind others. Make your children keep their commitments. If your child says they will come to grandmas on Saturday and then they get invited to another function for the weekend they need to keep their plans and offer apologies for not being able to come to what they were invited for. This starts at a young age.
motherjanegoose
July 29th, 2010
8:57 am
@ Regina…good point about commitments…even adults are having a tough time with this one!