2 divorce questions from our readers: Ex not sending full child support; hubby keeps threatening divorce!

When I called out for your story ideas, we had two divorce questions. They were very different but I think both very good questions. So I’m going to package them both together and you can respond to either or both.

Here is questions No. 1:

“momof2

July 2nd, 2010, 1:26 pm

Question for the divorced moms…I am a newly divorced mom. Have been granted child support by the courts since Jan. 2010. Have only gotten the full amount 1 time but $100 here $200 there to leave him behind. I am facing a huge financial mess b/c of this…any tips on taking him back to court for the money? Everytime I bring it up he says”you put a price tag on our children”…”They are just money makers to you” and things like that…I really want for my sake and the girls that we be civil but I HAVE to have the help!!!”

Question No. 2:

“Waiting

July 14th, 2010
8:37 pm

My husband has threatened me with divorce (in 7 years when my daughter turns 18) every time I disagree or have a different opinion on just about anything……yes he has a bad temper. I’ve been told to keep a separate savings account but it’s hard because when I tried that he found out and was so made and threatened to split the bills with me and of course divorce. But he didn’t know that the separate account was for the future divorce he had planned. I’m 47 now I usually end up forgiving and forgetting when things are fine again but now I’m really starting to wonder what the hell I’m I going to do in 7 years when my youngest turns 18 and I’m older. I need to start doing something financially before that time comes! Does anyone have any recommendations?”

OK folks let’s help these people out! Catlady gave a really thoughtful response to the first question the other day. So I am going to post that as the first response.

(MJG – I’ve got your question scheduled for later today.)

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marcy

July 23rd, 2010
2:30 am

1. Take him back to Court.
2. File papers

OTOH

July 23rd, 2010
4:05 am

If you want to keep a separate account you should indeed split the bills. Why should he pay all the bills out of his pay while you are still married while you sock away all of yours for you alone? Legally all the assets are supposed to be split evenly anyway so it would just be another encouragement to divorce. Better idea is to make sure you keep copies of all financial transactions and tax documents so you can prove what assets exist.

Roswell Jeff

July 23rd, 2010
6:01 am

#1 – Nip it in the bud. If he is not paying fully after one payment, he will NEVER pay the full amount again. That is one of his ways to control you. Take him back to court immediately with no warnings.

#2 – If you are interested in saving the marriage then suggest counseling to him. He is using the divorce threat as a control mechanism. Do you want to continue to be controlled in your marriage? Next time he uses that line, call his bluff, because that’s what it is. Tell him to go ahead and file.

justmy2cents

July 23rd, 2010
6:48 am

The first one- go through child support enforcement (google it) here in GA. They will get a wage garnishment order issued so he can’t just send a little here, a little there. Use the gov’t service one, NOT a private collector. My ex is over 30K behind and he is about to get quite a rude awakening, and personally, I have no problem with him sitting in jail.

The 2nd one- hey, sounds JUST like my EX-husband. I agree with Roswell Jeff, either call his bluff, or go file papers yourself. He already told you his intentions, why be his fool for the next 7 years? Get out, get happy, get your child support, and move on with your life.

Elliot Garcia

July 23rd, 2010
7:00 am

#1…take him to court now

#2…get out now….this guy sounds like a real sorry sack….you deserve better

motherjanegoose

July 23rd, 2010
7:20 am

We have our own bank accounts and we split bills. I grew up with a controling Father and a Mother who had no choices. I did not want that for myself. Especially since I have always worked and now when I built my own business.

T…wish you would use my suggestion up on a day I would be home, so I could check in…I am still in Boston and have so many other things to do…LOL! Heading home tonight. Y’all have fun!

motherjanegoose

July 23rd, 2010
7:21 am

ooops…”put my suggestion up” sorry.

motherjanegoose

July 23rd, 2010
7:42 am

One more thing and then we are off:
we met someone in the LOBBY of the hotel here in Boston that lives about 5 miles from us in Gwinnett. It REALLY is a small world! Have a good day all!

ssidawg

July 23rd, 2010
7:53 am

I agree with Elliott on both counts.

And this are just 2 more reasons why some men (and I use that term generously) shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce. A real man willingly supports the child he helped bring into the world. And a real man doesn’t emotionally abuse his wife by threatening divorce.

PW

July 23rd, 2010
7:59 am

#1 – take him back to court immediately. This kind of control issue does not get better with time. The courts ordered him to pay a certain amount and that is what he is obligated to pay. Stop letting him make you feel bad. Do what you have to do to take care of you and yours. Now let me also say, taking him back to court is not easy. It is a sometimes arduous and frustrating process but you have to show him that you are not afraid of him and will fight for what is yours as long as you have to.

#2 – Call his bluff. The next time he throws divorce in your fact tell him to file the papers and you’ll sign them. Then let him know that in the divorce you’ll be asking for the house, spousal support and child support. Watch how quickly he backs off. But let me also say this to you – You are a classic emotionally battered woman. Please get yourself some help so you can extracate yourself and your child from this verbally and emotionally abusive man. You are NOT doing your child any favors by staying. Please take heed.

stepmom2

July 23rd, 2010
8:03 am

#1- Call your attorney and either have him held in contempt of court (which will end up w/him in jail) or let them know you’d like to have his wages garnished (not a choice he has). Usually if they’re behind 3 or more times you can do the garnished wages. His ex-wife had no trouble calling him the day his child support was due but now that the tables are turned she can’t stand writing out that check to him and is always a few days late.

#2- be done with him. He’s completely controlling you in this situation. Either live with it for the next 7 years or file your own papers. Is your self-esteem that low that you’d cotinue living the next 7 years this way? and Does this not affect your home life, including your daughter?

Photius

July 23rd, 2010
8:09 am

#1 – Take him back to Court ASAP

#2 – how quickly all the ladies instantly and blindly come with support for this woman. Like most people, this lady paints a picture one sided, not admitting any mistakes, no errors – she has done nothing wrong via her statement. There are two sides to every story. I know very well in divorce both idiots are to blame – no sympathy from me regarding this lady’s problem. The truth will set you free – admit responsibility for one’s actions is the first step.

jg

July 23rd, 2010
8:15 am

The Bible says 1Timothy 5:8 If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

#1 – My kids are now 22 and 19 – and I am still collecting arrears of the back child support owed. His idle threats/comments are just a tactic to make you back off. He is taking money away from their daily life. You need to fight for it. If he gets (I think about 5K) or so far behind then you can have him arrested for non-payment of child support – suspend his drivers license – take his income tax. You can also have the support garnished from his pay. Keep in mind when he does not pay – then that money goes into arrears – which is charged a BIG FAT INTEREST. My ex has easily racked up over 20K in interest alone. The kids will be in their 40’s by time he finishes paying. He did not care about them when they were small – but he remembers them every 2 weeks when his check comes. And no – not bitter – sad to see how his greed has caught up with him. I used to think it was better to “turn the other cheek” – til I realized it wasn’t my cheek I was turning – It was the kids. They should not have been put through that.

#2 – call his bluff – do YOU want a divorce? Will he go to counseling? Sorry but the threats are abuse – might as well have slapped you – to say that to you. Don’t put yourself through the misery. I am so sorry you are going through this. Don’t get so lost and co-dependent that you keep suffering.

The best to you both.

HB

July 23rd, 2010
8:18 am

#2 is definitely an emotionally abusive situation. Get counseling for yourself and start figuring out what you need to do to get out. And be prepared–if you do divorce him, it will get ugly. The controlling freak will probably even try to get you back long enough to turn the tables and leave you just so he can be the one to make that decision.

Andrea

July 23rd, 2010
8:28 am

#1: You mentioned the lack of support has hurt you financially, so here is a cheaper approach. Take him to court but file your own documents. Most of the metro Atlanta counties have a family law center. Download your forms and complete them yourself. There is a filing fee and a separate fee to have a county deputy serve your ex. But, if you truly can’t afford the fees, you can file a pauper claim and request those fees are waived.

When you get to court, your ex will undoubtedly try to bring up issues separate from the support. Unless you have a modification as a part of your petition, the courts will focus only on the support. So, when you complete your contempt order, only address the financial support issue. When at court, ask for an Income Deduction Order which will require his employer to take the funds directly from his paycheck. No more collection calls for you!

Lastly, find the Child Support Enforcement agency that supports your county and set up an account with them. There is a $25 fee and that will not be waived. But, be sure to let them know you have an Income Deduction Order and that you are in process of filing a contempt order for the missed payments. By the time your case is done, the CS agency should have your account ready to go so his employer can immediately begin making payments. Your CS agency worker can also give you a confirmation to take to court with you and that may help you because the judge will see that the agency has also investigated the validity of your claims. GOOD LUCK. Don’t give up, just exercise the remedies available to you.

Bill

July 23rd, 2010
8:28 am

#2 You do not say if you are employed. It sounds to me like his threat is more of a promise. If you are not employed, I would start making plans in that direction. The job market is tough right now, but you have seven years. If you are not sure you have marketable skills, consider going back to school.

If you are employed, call his bluff. Tell him you don’t see any reason to wait 7 years. If he is just using this to control you, he will have to back down. If he is serious about it, you are better off without him. However, be prepared for #1s problem.

Bill

July 23rd, 2010
8:37 am

Off the point slightly. This reminds me of my own divorce 30 years ago. It was amicable, and I always paid. But as I talked to lots of divorced men and women, I found out two things.
1) The men all said they could barely afford to eat because the ex-wife was bleeding them dry.
2) The women all said they were not getting a dime from the SOB.
The truth of course was somewhere in the middle. The point is that neither party can go through a divorce with their lifestyle unaffected, unless they are wealthy. Many men resent supporting their ex-wife’s standard of living through child support. But please remember; your ex-wife’s standard of living is also your child(ren)’s standard of living. You cannot take it away from her without taking away from them. It is not a contest. No one wins. Man up.

BlondeHoney

July 23rd, 2010
9:08 am

My divorce was finalized 2 motnhs after my youngest turned 18, so I have no experience with question #1. However, question #2 sounds exactly like my ex as well. He was unhappy with his life, never could stand on his own two feet without his parents help (I was always the major breadwinner our entire marriage) and decided at some point I was the major cause of his misery and constantly threatened to divorce me, called me ugly names, etc. He didn’t have the guts to actually file for divorce himself so he decided he would be as ugly and mean as he could so I would leave him instead. I finally had enough of the abuse and made those first steps to get out and it was the best decision I ever made. Ironically, when I did it shocked him and he turned even nastier, accusing me of cheating on him which was ironic since HE was cheating on ME at the time. 5 years later, I am happy and on my own and he is married to the woman he cheated on me with (after saying over & over that he would never marry again) still pretty broke & relying on his parents financially. Sorry for the long story but like other posters have advised, call his bluff & make the move to file for divorce; it’s hard but you will be happier in the end

Jeff

July 23rd, 2010
9:13 am

#1 Take him to court. And it’s a never ending battle.

#2. Tell him to put up or shut up. Or just go ahead and file yourself. My experience has been that the sooner you get on the road to getting your life back together, the farther down the road you will be this time next year.

If you hang around and take it, then you deserve what you get.

Jeff

July 23rd, 2010
9:15 am

Bill, you are right. There are always 2 sides to each story and no-one is completely innocent. Two ex-es can stand in a room and watch the same thing and interpret it completely different. What we don’t know is all the factors that lead up to and influenced these two situations. Men are not always satan reincarnated and women are not always angels. It’s somewhere in the middle.

The Bible?

July 23rd, 2010
9:16 am

How fun it is to selectively pull quotes from the bible that fit our agendas.

How about 1 Corinthians 6:7

” 7The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? ”

The answers:

1. Attempt to have a civil conversation with this man. Do not accuse and berate. Rather, talk and listen. Explain your situation and listen to his.

2. You need two things. One is a job and the second is to try and start a dialogue with this man. Ask him if he loves you. Listen as he answers. Tell him how you feel. But don’t raise your voice. And when the conversation is over, have sex with him.

Can't get blood from a turnip

July 23rd, 2010
9:25 am

Its possible that in situation 1, that the man simply does not have the money.

Its possible that he feels cheated in the divorce settlement. That he feels he should have received custody of the children.

Its possible that the mother of these children is turning his kids against him.

All sorts of possibilities. God forbid you work on it together. Must get the government involved.

Michelle

July 23rd, 2010
9:28 am

#1-I think everyone is pretty much in agreement. I would definitely try for the garnishment of wages. It’s much harder to come up the money once they have their check in hand. There is always “something” that has to be paid etc. If the support money is gone before he gets his check, that excuse is gone.

#2-Why wait? If he is planning divorce, I’d much rather get it done and over with. Why should you have to constantly listen to the threat? It seems that is just making everyone miserable.

My ex was verbally abusive, demeaning, etc. He always said I’d never make it on my own without him. Instead of threatening divorce he always just told me I should leave, blah, blah, blah. He was definitely all about control. I finally told myself if he said it again, I would leave…and I did! It wasn’t easy, especially when he committed himself to the psyche ward threatening suicide (which was another control tactic.)

Once he realized that wouldn’t work, he then tried telling me everything I wanted to hear. He didn’t realize that the years of crap had taken away everything that I used to feel.

I would not stay. It is not worth what everyone in the household has to go through.

Children First

July 23rd, 2010
9:43 am

Get your priorities straight.

Young@heart

July 23rd, 2010
10:15 am

I use the Ga Department of Child support services…link below https://services.georgia.gov/dhr/cspp/do/public/Welcome

My sons father skipped to Michigan when he was 4 and we haven’t seen him since. The State does move slow at times but he went from over 10k in arrears to almost caught up. They take his paycheck, tax return, stopped his driving privledges and even sat him in jail a few days to pay his little $60 a week. My son is now almost 17 and every bit helps. I love using the state not a private collector because I have had to pay NO FEES. And they work with Michigan very well.

Michelle and others.....

July 23rd, 2010
10:22 am

It’s been shocking to me to hear about so many cases of men (not that there aren’t women who do the same things but I’ve talked with more women through my attendance at some support groups in dealing with my own divorce) who are emotionally abusive and will then use threats of suicide or other threats to get their spouse–the same spouse they cheated on- to stay with them.

I used to think my ex was unique and didn’t even realize how much his threats and behavior controlled my behavior but I see things alot more clearly now that I’m finally away from him.

Michelle, part of your story (the suicide part) reminds me so much of Glenn Richardson’s behavior

http://blogs.ajc.com/gold-dome-live/2009/11/30/richardsons-wife-speakers-suicide-attempt-aimed-at-controlling-her/

It reminds me alot of my ex’s behavior too and is similar to other stories I’ve heard. Are they narcissists, or sociopaths or what??

My advice to #2 based on what you’ve said is to get out. Don’t know if you’re working or not. If you’re not the advice from previous comments to start working on your skills now is good advice. Do one small thing each day toward your own future. And Good luck

Oh Brother

July 23rd, 2010
10:25 am

Q1…Force him to pay up. I paid all my child support and these other guys should be paying theres. Sorry guys.

Q2…Obey your husband and find ways to please him. Perhaps a nice home cookd pot roast with all the fixins Perhaps a late evening “shoe show”. Perhaps a girdle might help. Regardless its your job to obey your husband also remember “Its your job to keep him happy”.

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

July 23rd, 2010
10:30 am

#2….doesn’t matter if the husband or the wife is the party to blame, any marriage that is dictated by extortion is irrevocably broken. Don’t be Eeyore and complain about your life but not be willing to do anything to change it. And don’t teach your daughter that marriages where manipulation and emotional sabotage are “just the way things are”.

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

July 23rd, 2010
10:32 am

@Oh Brother…..given your response to #2, I’m SHOCKED that your response to #1 indicates that you’ve been divorced.

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

July 23rd, 2010
10:35 am

By the way…what’s a “shoe show”?

DB

July 23rd, 2010
10:41 am

1. I’ll join the chorus of “take him to court”. That b.s. about using your children as a cash cow is just that . . . b.s. He does NOT get to walk away from your family obligations. This is a sign of a complete lack of character, that he does not feel any need to contribute to the well-being of his children.

2. Counseling first, and then I’d suggest sitting down with a financial consultant. Your husband is a bully. He may need some help with anger management, etc., so it’s hard to tell from the little that you’ve told us, but you sure don’t have to put up with this crap for the next decade. It’s an attempt to control you through intimidation, and so far, it’s working. That’s why I would recommend counseling first, to see if you and he can learn more effective ways to disagree without going for the big hammer first thing.

If he refuses — then call him on it. Tell him, “Fine, go ahead.” Yes, it might be messy for a while — but it will be far better for you, mentally, to be dealing with a certainty than to be dealing with a vague uncertainty for the next decade. At least you will be in control of your life — which you aren’t, now. He’s not used to being called on being a jerk — so call him on it. Like most bullies, he will probably back down.

Kris

July 23rd, 2010
11:06 am

Ha ha Tiger! My fiance used the term “shoe show” once and when I asked him, “What the heck is that?,”
he replied that describes a strip club “because they end up only wearing their shoes!”

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

July 23rd, 2010
11:56 am

@Kris…ahhhh…..well let me be the first to say while I wholeheartedly disagree with Oh Brother’s view on relationships……I do share his enthusiasm for a good shoe show!

onmyown&luvinit

July 23rd, 2010
12:11 pm

Question #1 is fairly simple. He is in contempt of a court order and can be compelled to pay what the judge ordered.

Question #2 is harder. I left a completely controlling man about 8 months ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I stayed in a marriage for 8 years all during which he controlled, or attempted to control my life. He would say things like “If you’ll just do what I say, everything will be fine”. Living with this man systematically destroyed my confidence, self esteem and sucked all the joy out of my life as I tried alternatively to submit and resist. I was fearful, dazed and confused most of the time as he manipulated my emotions, degraded me and intentionally embarrassed me in front of family and friends when he didn’t get his way. Yes, we got a little counseling, but he was just going thru the motions and in the end it was meaningless. My therapist suggested that he was suffering from a Borderline Personality Disorder, from which there is hardly ever real recovery. Borderlines are masters at keeping you disoriented. And they can be vicious and unpredictable. They know your weaknesses and go after them with a vengeance. It’s their modus operandi for getting what they want. My life is so much better now. I found joy. I found freedom from intimidation, manipulation and fear. Call his bluff, leave him and get a little help. Read “Walking on Eggshells”. You’ll understand what’s going on a little better.

catlady

July 23rd, 2010
12:16 pm

1. Go to child support enforcement. Their services are free if you get welfare, and $12 per year I think if you do not. You have a support order. Get them to enforce it for you. They can contact his employer and take his wages. They can also get arrearages. I am surprised that having the funds taken from his wages was not automatically done now. Keep immaculate records. Give him a receipt each time–whether he keeps it or not is his doing. I used CSE to get years of arrearages for my kids.

2. You are being abused. File for divorce immediately,and get out of the house with your child!

Photius

July 23rd, 2010
12:28 pm

A little too much man bashing here regarding question #2. Hmmm… why does this guy threaten her with divorce? Does she nag him to death? Does she blow all the money shopping and still wants more? Has she gotten fat as a hog after childbirth and keeps gaining weight? Does she just run her mouth a million miles an hour about nothing all the time, then doesn’t understand why he doesn’t “talk to me”? Has all her love over the years been poured into the children, totally ignoring her husband emotionally and physically? Is the husband just a paycheck? Does she just brow beat him down year after year until he can’t take it anymore with her complaining? Does she not take care of herself anymore, always going around with a scrunchy/ponytail, oversized t-shirt and clam diggers? Does the woman ever shut her mouth once? When he walks in the door every night does she just instantly tell him about her day – complaining, griping, going on and on and on about how some other woman she works with hates her every single day for years and how much she hates her job? Is she a totally obsessed mom who hasn’t paid attention to her husband in years?

And finally, since all of ya’ll have been in a relationship with a man – for a man to get that mad, what on earth has she done to him? Even a great guy won’t put up with your crap and every woman has crossed that line. Just a little perspective for the strong estrogen today…..

FCM

July 23rd, 2010
12:34 pm

#1 Google ga+child support enforcement. Fill out the paperwork and pay the $25 processing fee. Stick him on the grid….the STATE will go after him for the $$$ and send it to you monthly. Mine is direct deposited when we can find him. If he goes to work under the table your $#rewed. I did that few years back and once he got back to having a job that reported wages we found him.

#2 Seek counseling. If he is using that behavior to manipulate you shame on him. I read the other day that divorces are down due to the economy. If it is really irrevocably broken then you need to make a plan and get out. Know that finances are messed up when that happens. Credit Rating goes in the toilet most of the time. Make sure you can support yourself and the kids.

I am sure Jeff, JJ, catlady, myself and the the other divorced folks on here will tell you we do not envy #2 that decision or that road. It is horrible and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

catlady

July 23rd, 2010
12:41 pm

Followup to number 1: I never had to pay a fee to use CSE. They may have charged my ex a fee since he did not pay. Be warned they can be a little more flexible than I would have liked. For example, he said he was unable to fay the amount they demanded for arrearages so they lowered it, without talking to me. (Since he was supposed to pay 20$ per week per child until they turned 18, I felt like he should get on the ball about repaying it. Especially since they could afford for his wife not to work) Also,I never got any interest paid. Also, when his work did not forward the money (and thus it did not get credited to my account) I had to go back in and howl and light a fire. Apparently there “can” be a 30 day delay. At one point the employer had to be threatened by CSE since they were deducting but not forwarding the money in a timely manner. It was, however, the best thing I ever did about it. He had gotten 7,000$ behind–hard to do at $20 per week. My younger daughter was 21 before it was all paid off. He tried, through my older daughter, to make me feel bad about it, but owing me money was just the final show of lack of respect.

2. You cannot imagine how much this is hurting your child and his/her chance for a happy marriage in the future! Get out!

catlady

July 23rd, 2010
12:44 pm

#2: is it because at 18 he won’t have to pay child support? I am wondering about that magic number. Or did I misread it?

catlady

July 23rd, 2010
12:53 pm

#1: If you let CSE handle getting the money, you will not have to entertain any further discussion from him about the children being moneymakers to you. You will only discuss child raising issues with him. He can talk to CSE about money issues. If he tries to bring it up, the conversation is over. That part of your relationship is now a business relationship, and he has a contract to fulfill. And while CSE might cut him some slack on repayment of arrearages, they WILL enforce the regular support order unless he quits working. At that point, I am not sure what happens. But do check it out; it is a lot cheaper and no slower than going to court again. And they DO have some power to trace him if he tries to evade, plus reciprocal agreements with other states.

FCM

July 23rd, 2010
1:15 pm

OK Q#1 from those of us that have been through CSE–we vote you go that way.

I will tell you why I did that route. The 3rd time I ended up in court with a IDO that was severly arreared I looked at my attorney and said, with him not paying and me paying you I end up starving (literally) so how do I stop paying you? He said, file with CSE and the state takes over…

Like catlady said it is the best thing I did on that side. I don’t take the grief I used to. They took part of his return this year to pay some arrears…

#2 everyone is right that magic number of 18 is about Child Support…word to the wise if he does pull that BS when the kid is 18 you have the agreement state he will pay at least half of the college expenses that kid has!

FCM

July 23rd, 2010
1:17 pm

catlady if he quits working, CSE finds out. They check with SSN and IRS to find out where he is working. However if he goes underground (mine did) they cannot touch him until he reappears…bear in mind he does have to reappear at some point and all he did was rack up a bunch of arrears. That causes real hardship on the family….again ask me how I know.

I have lived both #1 and #2 and don’t wish it on anyone.

Que Reba “I’m a survivor……..”

BlondeHoney

July 23rd, 2010
1:24 pm

@catlady, i think you are right about the 18 thing; no child support. Photius, I agree that there are definitely two sides to every story and I am the first one to admit the mistakes I made in my marriage but that still does not justify degradating, cntolling, and verbally abusing your partner to the point of tears on a daily basis AND doing it in front of your children to boot. Counseling? According to him, I was the one with the problem – he had no problem at all so he refused to go. I’ll tell you my first mistake – I took the abuse and didn’t stand up to him. His new wife doesn’t put up with anything from him & he seems to have learned from it; the closest he has ever come to admitting any fault on his part was telling me “I’m not the same person I was before..”

To onmyown&luvinit I can relate!

July 23rd, 2010
1:41 pm

I think I was married to your ex-husband’s twin personality for 10 years. I’m still recovering. Can’t wait to read “Walking on Eggshells” as I still am because we have joint custody of our child. But I, too, am soooooo much happier now that I”m out of the marriage. I stayed too long thinking it was better for our child given how ugly he would make the divorce but it was the right thing to do and things get better every day.

Michelle

July 23rd, 2010
1:49 pm

Photius, yes, there are always two sides. My ex was physically abused by his mother until he was too big physically, then she started on the mental stuff.

My part was allowing him to talk to me like a piece of dirt. I was young when we met (20) and he was 32 and just out of 5 year relationship. I should have had warning bells going off like crazy, but youth will give you blinders. I was “supportive” and helpful to his bad moods, etc. Well, eventually, he was just mean. Once alcohol and drug abuse came into the picture, I started fearing about the physical stuff. That was it for me.

I allowed him to treat me like dirt because I didn’t really know any better. Interesting childhood. I looked at him for financial stability and he knew it. I didn’t need it, but he exploited that issue. He also took advantage of my caring nature and personal insecurities. I allowed him to isolate me from family and friends so that all I had for support was his family (what a joke that was.)

Now, my step-sister, I don’t for the life of me know HOW my BIL stays married to her! WOW! I could not live with her! So you are right…there are always two sides!

jan

July 23rd, 2010
2:19 pm

#1….Take his butt to court and put him in jail if he doesn’t pay

#2….Go to the courthouse, get the papers, fill them out, sign them and have him served. Then be done with the controlling son of a gun

lurker

July 23rd, 2010
2:34 pm

@Photius – “clam diggers” – Just how old are you?

I got it

July 23rd, 2010
3:02 pm

#2 is married to Photius and counting the days to get away from such a negative, sacastic trashy woman!

TwinMomFromPS

July 23rd, 2010
3:23 pm

Echoing everything everyone else is saying about #1 – take his butt to court and let them garnish his wages.

For #2 – keep that separate account, and like others have said – call his bluff. If my husband ever tried to keep me in line by threatening divorce any time I did something he disagreed with, I’d tell him to go ahead and be prepared to part with half of his stuff. There’s no reason you should put up with that.

jan

July 23rd, 2010
3:29 pm

Me too. I lived with the same for 31 years and why did I my friends ask. I wish I had a definate answer other than I had let him condition me to the point that I thought it was what I deserved. The verbal abuse is so much more damaging in the long run than the physical. The pain goes away but what the verbal does to you totally makes you a different person. The day I left, I ask “is there anything that you have done in our marriage that you feel guilty for” he replied, “no’. I packed my bags and called my daughter and said pick me up at the Atl airport. Am now married to a man that knows how to treat his wife and I feel loved every minute of every day. No more “eggshells for me”. It just makes me sad to know how many of us are still in those situations and can’t get out. Don’t say, “they could if they really wanted to” because that isn’t true. To all of you who have suffered and survived and finally left—Congratulations. To all who haven’t—No matter what you think you really aren’t the only one in that situation. So many of us have been there.

catlady

July 23rd, 2010
3:44 pm

TWo: get very good advice before the divorce! I just wanted out, and I have paid for it over and over. First off, the $20 per child support. Even the judge looked over his glasses at that! I also should have requested some of their college expenses be paid. As it was, two of the children turned 18 at the beginning of their senior hs years–a great deal of expense. I also bore all the expense of their driving, medical insurance (he was to pay the part my insurance didn’t cover–I kept careful records and was able to get all of it back with the help of CSE.) I will be working, probably till I die, to “catch up” with what I lost from lack of zealous representation.

My SIL did not get a lawyer when he and his first wife divorced. She was supposed to transfer her part of the house to him as part of the divorce settlement. Did not, and he found out when she 5 years later filed for bankruptsy they took the house my daughter had been paying for for three years to satisfy her debts accumulated after they divorced! Get a lawyer who is savvy. You are not saving money without one!

Lori

July 23rd, 2010
4:49 pm

The answer to both questions……Call your lawyer. #2, if you don’t have one, get one.

momof2

July 26th, 2010
3:03 pm

hey guys…thanks for your advice, I have hired an attorney and we are preparing the papers now to get back child support, he was ordered to pay1/2 of “extras” camp etc we’re going to try to get that also. Just spent $1100 for rec league cheerleading…THANKS to my parents and a few friends help my girls have never missed a beat…

Will P. Richardson

July 28th, 2010
9:15 am

You are being abused. File for divorce immediately,and get out of the house with your child!

Overdramatic nonsense.

"Not" A Lawyer

July 28th, 2010
9:48 am

“I’d tell him to go ahead and be prepared to part with half of his stuff. ”

Georgia isn’t a community-property state. You won’t automatically get “half of his stuff.”