Caring for your aging parents

I am very sorry about your mother; best wishes towards your family.

My mother died in her late 60’s after suffering a series of mini-strokes – then the big one came. High blood pressure runs in the family and she died earlier than expected. How about caring for a dying parent or a parent with health issues? It is hard – it will make you angry – it will make you resentful at times against friends and family and even your parent. You just have to cope and pray. Behavior studies have shown consistently that siblings who stand to gain no inheritance will put forth very little effort in the care of a sick parent, regardless of how close/far they live. Behavioral studies also conclude that siblings with the most to gain via inheritance usually show up frequently. This is not my opinion but is a proven fact in behavior sciences so if you have siblings with an elderly parent, odds are this is how it will fall out.

Very scary to have your mother suffer a stroke; my prayers for your family. Peace be with you all.

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T…so sorry, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

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Theresa – hope your mom is ok! Not medically related . . . but I just got a call from my mom. I was expecting to pick them up at the airport at 2 today. They had it down on the calendar for tomorrow! I’m sure there was a big fight in their house over that! Luckily she called or I would have been looking for them at the airport! I SHOULD have called her yesterday and we would have avoided this. They are in their mid an upper 70’s.

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JATL… :( about your mom. My mom is going to be 64 this summer. Not ready! NOT READY!

God, I think I’m having a mid-life crisis and I’m only 35.

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TWG You may recall my Dad had a stroke in Sept 2008. He is much better today and we are glad of it.

I will keep your Mom in my prayers!

With Dad, his gait has slowed. He “lists” to one side when he is overly tired (so we watch for that). He does slur words occassionally. His mind is still sharp-like in recalling detai– but he does process the information differently. His patience was never a strong suit, and that has dimished too. I tell you this to say that some subtle changes may well show up, then again maybe not. Everybody is different.

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Theresa, your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your mom ends up with something that she can manage easily.

My parents are in their late 70s, and my father is in declining health, with, frankly, no options to improve. I live 400 miles away, so I am basically useless — I try to get up there every couple of months, but it’s mostly to give my mom a sanity break, as she spends her days now ferrying my dad from doctor’s appointment to procedure to check-up, etc. She is very stressed, and I feel guilty since I can’t be there to help her more. I call her often and give her a chance to talk — my dad is 90% deaf, so she misses the daily, inconsequential conversation that most of us enjoy with our spouses. When I get on the phone with her, it’s like a data dump — she talks constantly for almost 20 minutes, as though all the things she hasn’t been able to talk to people about comes flying out. My husband smiles, because when I’m on the phone, I’m not saying a word — just listening. As my mother once commented to me, she feels as if she has already lost her husband — “this isn’t the man I married”, because the change in him is so radical from just a couple of years ago, from a confident, I-run-the-world mentality to an almost child-like fearful person. It’s sad, and it’s an adjustment that’s hard for all of us to make.

You’re never ready, I don’t think. Even when my grandmother died at the age of 93, my father, who was 60 at the time, commented sadly, “Now I’m an orphan. . . .”

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@Theresa… You and your mom are in my prayers. I hope all your mom needs is the aspirin! my dad was 59 and passed away from a heart attack in November. He had had his attack on Wed night and was gone the following MOnday… However, all through the ordeal I was ready to take him home with me.. ( he was married to a woman who is 6 yrs older than me and there was no way she would allow him to cramp her lifestyle!) even when it looked grim.. my dad needing a heart transplant I was ready to care for him. Of course I am an only child and have no siblings to help but that didn’t matter to me, that was my dad! he took care of me when I was little so it was the LEAST I could do. My mom (his ex-wife) was ready to come and help as well… He would have been 60 next month…. I guess to answer the question, I will be more than ready to take care of my mom (who is going to be 60 as well next month) if and when something ever happens to her… Knock on wood tho… she is fit and healthy… Goes to hip hop dance classes LOL….I guess you are never ready for it when it happens even though it is always there in the back of your mind that it will happen someday. I was just wishing someday could have come later for my father…

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@JATL … When my dad passed, I felt lost and that some piece of me was missing and that is the only way I could describe it, even though my mom is still with me…

@Irun …. My mom is going to be 60 and I don’t know who is not ready for it more… Me or her… of course with every birthday I have.. She says to me “when did you get so old?”

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Uconn and JATL – I am so sad for you. Part of my sadness is, of course, applying this to myself. This whole topic is making me tear up a LOT.

It’s only been in the past year that this concept of losing my parents has begun to feel like an inevitability. And it frightens me a lot and makes me want to put the breaks on like.

My son will be 9 in a few months. My husband said he wished he could stop him from growing for a while. I don’t feel that way about my son. I am getting a great big kick out of watching him grow and I can’t wait to see what kind of young man he’ll turn into, who he’ll marry, and what my grandkids will look like. Not that I don’t already miss some things. Like how my husband and I used to be the complete center of his world and bit by bit we’re not.

But I guess that doesn’t make me so very sad the way thinking about losing my folks does.

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MJG – I think it’s different for everyone. I think I’ve been kind of lucky with my mid-life crisis (which, if I am having one, started when I turned 33). It’s turned me into an athlete when I never was one for the first 33 years of my life. And it’s a lot of fun being a middle-aged athlete. All my joints are fresh! And it gave me the same figure (well, minus the pregnancy induced stretchmarks) I had at 20.

But it’s origin had to do with wanting to see what kind of young man my son grow up and worrying that if I didn’t take better care of myself I’d not be able to do that.

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first–UConn, and JATL HUGE HUGS to you. Irun and DB HUGE HUGS to you as well for different reasons.

I am blessed that my father has had such a great recovery. However I think that if you have parents who were active in your childhood — they remain your base anchor no matter how old you get. So it makes a great deal of sense, to me, that you would feel adrift when that anchor is no longer there.

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FCM – thanks for the hugs and I am very glad that your dad is recovering well, otherwise I’d have ANOTHER reason to feel sad right now!

Oh, this afternoon’s run will be well-needed…

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Hey Michelle,

I know about plantar fasciitis. I am hypothyroid and if my hormone replacement therapy is off I start ot suffer from it. The best thing to do for PF is to do exercises that strengthen your arches. If you google it you will find some things you can do at home. Also, proponents of barefoot running will tell you that it clears their PF. You could do some laps in the grass in your back yard. Being barefoot forces you to land on the balls of your feel, which makes you work out your arches. Just don’t do too much.

And it was when my son was 7 that I started this “mid-life crisis” and worrying about my health!

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@ t…we were very close to our wonderful neighbors when we lived in Texas. They were in their 70’s and none of their adult children lived close by. She had to go to the hospital and we carried her husband back and forth. While there, I got her jewelry to take home. I showed her husband where I put it, in a pouch I had, in his dresser drawer under his socks. A few days later she was in tears as she had asked where her jewelry was and her husband did not know. I assured her that it was in a “safe” place and showed it to her when we took them both home.

It is sad when parents regress and turn into children. I am certain they are frustrated with themselves too.

I admire those of you who have wonderful relationships with your parents. We do not have that on either side. We have had wonderful relationships with other’s parents, as the adult children lived too far away to be involved and we stepped up to the plate. Fond memories here today.

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Well, barefoot running has become popular after the release of the book “Born to Run”. And truthfully, we are born to run and to do it without shoes. It forces us to run in a biomechanically efficient manner. In other words, it makes us run the way nature intended.

Of course, nature didn’t intend asphalt or concrete, either. So, you can get a pair of Vibram Five Fingers to protect your flesh while still getting in the benefits of running “barefoot”.

FYI, it’s supposed to be better for your joints, too, because when you run barefoot it makes you land on the ball of your foot, not your heel. When you land on the ball of your foot you land with a flexed/bent knee, with your foot landing on the ground just slightly in front of you. This is supposed to make it so your thigh and calf muscles take the force of impact rather than your knee and hip joints.

And hey, you got my mind off being sad.

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@Michelle -I had horrific PF and a very large heel spur (used to think they were basically the same, but was told by my doctor they are different). The only thing that helped was MONTHS of no running or distance walking. You can swim or ride a bike, but what I enjoy is walking and running! I finally got rid of it though and am now enjoying walking (working back up to running) again. I had to wear this boot thing to bed for a few months. I DO highly endorse the suggestion from iRun to try barefoot -off asphalt -running. If you keep your shoes on -you MUST land on the balls of your feet and not your heels! Good luck getting over it!

@iRun -yep, I think one of the biggies for “inducing” a mid-life crisis is watching your kids get older and becoming VERY conscious of the type of body image and lifestyle you want to impart to them! Mine aren’t 7 yet, but I become more aware of the fact every day that I do NOT want them to see us out of shape and think that’s okay!

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We are going through this now. My father died in Dec after being diagnosed with cancer 6 months before. He was 85 though, and never had any pain, so we consider ourselves fortunate that he lived a long full life and died peacefully.

My mother is in NC, and even though I have 6 siblings, I am the closest child by a good 450 miles. I make the trip up at least once a month, and still don’t feel like it’s enough. Next week would have been my Dad’s 86 birthday, and I know it will be a difficult day for my mother to get through. But, I need to take my son to college orientation, and can’t spend the day with her. I am trying to come up with a way to support her from afar.

Although in good health we got one of those medical alert bracelets that she wears at all times. All she has to do is push the button, and an emergency team will respond. It’s great for our peace of mind, as well as hers.

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I’m in my mid 50’s and we have 3 children in their 20’s, in various stages of independence. My mom, 88, moved in with us after my Dad passed away. She is in excellent health for her age and still drives to places close by. While it is sometimes stressful and awkward with her living with us, I am thankful my children are getting a chance to see what family is all about.

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@mattie, I hope that you are able to get through your father’s birthday as well as your mother. I know how rough that it will be as I am 4 weeks from what would have been my father’s 60th… But I know somewhere he will be smiling on that day… it always brought him such joy to know that he was 12 days younger than my mother and he always let her know it… :D

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Oh and barefoot running- I started running in my Vibram Five Fingers about 2 months ago and LOVE them. I was having knee and hip pain and decided to try them out. I ran a 5k this weekend in them without issue. I too run on grass as much as possible though. The funny thing is that I was going to try to run a farther run last week and went back to my running shoes since I was going to be on cement completely; I felt like I was wearing bricks for shoes! My running shoes are pretty light but obviously nothing compared to the Five Fingers.

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prayers from here for your family theresa….my grandmother had a series of those ‘mini strokes’ and lived for several years…you really couldnt tell anything happened at all….not like a ‘big’ stroke…she was a lot older than your mom….im sorry for all who are going through this..it is rough to have to be the caregiver of parents, but its the cycle of life you know?

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1sus…good for you! As a frequent flier, it is wonderful they were able to get a standby ticket and head out today. It will be hectic this weekend. Have fun!

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Teresa, I feel a great deal of concern about your DAD. That he was unable to recognize the symptoms, and then unwilling to change his course of action and get her to the hospital after you told him really worries me. I would suggest a thorough evaluation for him, looking at blockages and cognitive functioning tests.

One reason why I am so concerned is because I saw my mom do the same thing about my dad, and it cost him his life earlier than it had to be! It turns out that what I saw as her rigidity was symptomatic of impairment on her part.

I lived 200 miles from my parents, and am an only child, a single mom with three children of my own. Fortunately for me, my children were nearly grown when I had to deal with their deaths. Also fortunately, they had plenty of money so I did not have to worry about medical care they needed, in addition to their Medicare and insurance through the federal government (my dad was a rocket scientist–for real).

I had always counted on my aunt, an Episcopal priest, to be there to guide me when the time came, but unfortunately she was killed in an accident 7 years before my dad died.

It is a very tough row to hoe.

Please insist on a thorough evaluation for your dad right away!

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My prayers are with your family Theresa.

My mother turned 71 this last year and has Alzheimer’s. So, in a sense, we’ve already lost our mother. She’s in a nursing home and isn’t always coherent when we visit. When she passes away it will be a mix of relief and sorrow. As a Christian, I have confidence she will be restored to a fully functioning mind and that I will see her again. So, for me, it will not be a sadness at her passing but just a sense of missing her. Since I already don’t have meaningful conversations with her though, I think I’ve already worked through most of that.

Personally, for me, I’d rather die quickly of a heart attack or stroke than fade away with this cursed disease. My mother lost her ability to communicate meaningfully a couple of years ago so it’s really just been a matter of waiting since then.

I know caring for my mother has taken it’s toll on my sister mentally because she worries about money and decisions. Physically, my mother has become too difficult for my sister to care for which is why she is now in a nursing home.

I will say that I’m thankful my father had the foresight to add my sister and I to their checking account, to make a list of all accounts (with computer passwords), and to have us included on their medical power of attorney. It made things after he passed away so much easier because my mother was already at the point where she couldn’t sign or make decisions. I always suggest to my friends that they get their parents to do this, if they can convince them to.

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I am SO thankful my mom is healthy. My dad passed away at 67. Mom just turned 80 last month. She is just now starting to slow down, and she absolutely HATES it. She is fiercly independent, and hates having to depend on ANYONE. She does aerobics three times a week, plays bridge twice a week, does light gardening (pots on her deck, she has a lawn service), still drives, cooks all her meals, still has all her teeth and hair…LOL.

But I know, one day, soon, she will have to start relying on others. I am the one she will come to live with. Neither my brother nor I can stand the thought of her in a home. ( We had to put my grandfather in a home, he had alzehiemers, and that just about killed us). We have talked openly about it. Mom even bought insurance for a nursing home, should that happen.

I don’t care about the money, the inheritance. I will take care of my mom with all the love I can. I love my mom and would rather have her here, than have her money. She took care of me when I was unable to do so, and I think I need to repay that.

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My mother not only took care of her eldery mother who was living with them at the time, she took care of my extremely sick father at the same time. Her mother was 90 and feeble, and starting to lose her memory, and my father had been diagnosed with bladder cancer, lung cancer, and pulmonary fibrosis. He had to be on oxygen, radiation & chemo all at the same time. Meanwhile, her mother is living in the house with them. Did I mention my mom was a Nurse? I know she definately chose the right profession!!!

My mother is a very strong woman and I am VERY PROUD of her!!!!!

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@There seems to be no help -I have no idea what the financial situation is with your 80 year old FIL. However, if he has dementia, he will HAVE to go into a home or live with you at some point. He will not be able to stay by himself. You may want to start investigating social services and different homes/alternative living situations now so you can have a plan. If he’s constantly confused, it sounds like he may need to go somewhere soon. I have an uncle with dementia, and he was leaving the stove on all day, trying to drive his truck, running away where no one could find him, etc. Because they’re confused and flitting in and out of reality, these people are often angry and sometimes even become physically violent because they literally are not in their right minds.

Does your husband have siblings? Have they or he thought about the next step? Something will have to be done, and it sounds like the sooner the better! Does your husband or one of his siblings have Power of Attorney? That needs to happen, and if FIL won’t sign it over to them, then there are court proceedings you can go through to have someone declared mentally incompetent. This needs to happen so at some point you can sell his home and possibly use that money to help care for him at a nursing home. Soon going to a home will not be his “choice” but something that just has to happen. It’s sad, but when someone has deteriorated mentally, it can be impossible to handle without professional help.

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Theresa, I will keep your mother and your family in my prayers.

This is a rough situation on so many levels: emotionally, physically, and financially. NO one wants to see their parent in a sick/weakened state, requiring care. Not all of us are capable of providing quality in-home care and Lord knows, not all of us can afford to put our parents in a facility.

I went to speak to my financial advisor last week and she asked me if my parents had long-term care insurance. Of course my father’s answer to that was “yes, my children”. I do not live in the same state as my father. My brother does but I am the most financially stable. My parents are young (60) and are in good health so prayerfully I won’t have to deal with any long-term care issues any time soon. It will be a fight because my father has already informed me that he won’t be moving anywhere even if I am the only one to care for him. I told him I’m sending him to Shady Pines (Golden Girls reference). I am not sure how my mother will want to be cared for. I need to discuss this with her.

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I tried post yesterday, but it didn’t appear.

If you have any concerns about your dad’s ability to care for your mom: ask (make) your mom put you on the HIPAA form for her doctors. This makes it easier for you to call/contact the doctor’s office and you’ll get better information than if you rely on your parents to tell you what’s going on. You can’t make medical decisions for her, but at least this allows the doctor’s office to tell you what’s going on.

You could also get your mom to give you (or someone else) a Durable Power of Attorney for Health care. This one will allow you to make medical decisions for your mom.

After having to deal with my dad’s medical problems I always put my husband on HIPAA forms.

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@Mom to 2 -thank you, and I take no offense! I alluded to that earlier in my post, because if this had to happen at all, I’m thankful it wasn’t some long and drawn out nightmare with her not in her right mind. My mother said all of my life that she hoped however she died, she just didn’t lose her mind. A month before the surgery she had suddenly -very quickly -gone downhill and had lost most of her mobility, speech and was increasingly confused. I knew she was SO angry, and she couldn’t even communicate that. When the hospital and doctors were going to all of these heroic measures to bring down her brain swelling, the doctor mentioned that she would “never be more than we saw right then” which was a lifeless rag-doll of a woman in a bed. Her pupils were blown at that point. I almost feel like she spoke through me because I shouted, “STOP! Why are we doing this then? She would HATE this!” I would have said that on my own anyway, but it was almost compulsive the way it came out. There is definitely a lot to be said for a quicker death in some circumstances. It’s going to hurt those left behind no matter what.

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JATL, thanks for the suggestions. I am actually the husband here. My wife has more difficulty dealing with it than I do. There are no siblings or any other family for that matter. There are also no friends as he has always been mean. Money wouldn’t be an issue as he has plenty. However, he refuses to spend a dime on anything. He wont even use the air conditioner.

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@Alchemist -what an especially poignant story. That must have been (and obviously still is) a horrifying loss. It IS devastating. I think sometimes society makes us feel like if we’re grown ups and have gotten into adulthood, that maybe we should “expect” to lose our parents. We DO because it’s only natural at some point -but a little piece does go when they do. Think about it -you parents, no matter how you feel about them, have been the two people there from the very instance of your life. You’ve never known life in any way without them -and when they go, it changes you!

@There seems to be no help -sorry for assuming you were the wife! I’m assuming again here that one of you has to take him to the doctor, right? The next time you go, you really need to have a discussion in private with the doctor. Your wife needs to do it because she’s the blood relation -maybe you could stay with the FIL while they talk privately. She needs to ask about his mental state, the progression, where he is right now, etc. and ask about having him declared mentally incompetent for legal purposes. Speak to an attorney about what channels you have to go through to accomplish this -it will give you access to his money to pay for his care. Since he’s still lucid enough to function a bit on his own and know some of what is going on, this shouldn’t be sprung on him. You can try talking to him about it now, but you say he’s mean and always has been, so he’s probably going to view this as an attempt to get his money. You could have an attorney fix a trust so that the money is only paid out to his care provider until his death and then what’s left can be inherited -that way there’s no question that you two are vacationing in Hawaii while Dad sits in a home. You could also have everything in place, so that if he has to be “committed” in a sense to a nursing home when the dementia has progressed too far, it won’t take terribly long to put things in place. I don’t know your personal financial situation, but nursing homes, private care, etc. costs a FORTUNE and people go bankrupt over it. Good luck with everything -it’s a hard road when you’re dealing with Alzheimer’s or dementia.

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It is so weird to worry about one’s parents in the same way that they worried about us as we were growing up.

I became my mom’s caregiver as she died by inches ( I HATE CANCER!) because my dad was not emotionally equipped to do so. So weird for the child to change the soiled clothes of the adult and to empty the vomit container and to stroke the cheek because there is no longer hair to push lovingly off the forehead…….

I’m reminded of “The Lion King”….it truly is a circle of life.

God asks us to do what we think is impossible…and then equips us to do so.

Prayers for all of you who had stories to tell today, people! My heart is overflowing for all of you.

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@ catlady, I am so thrilled for you and know you are delighted. We had our daughter’s graduation yesterday and ( of course) I was busy. I spent the morning in Kindergarten, so I was exhausted last night. I would love to hear your funny kids stories and agree with would be a fun topic.

@ there…I feel your pain. It may be easy for folks here to give you answers but some parents are not as pleasant as others ( or willing to let decisions be made) and I have walked on your sidewalk. Not all parents are alike and I observe other families and wonder what it would be like to be close and loving like they are, on a regular basis.

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Theresa,
I’m sorry to hear about your mom,but it sounds like you acted quickly and we will pray all turns out well. It brings to mind something that I have been dealing with and most our age are now beginning to deal with and that is the turning of the tables regarding our parents. At our age, and older, we are beginning to become the parents and our parents the children.

Listening to how your dad responded and your mom’s stubborness in the hospital makes me think of some of the behaviors I have seen from my parents. It’s a hard task to realize that as a child you really need to look after your folks just as they did for you growing up. Many times, I tell my wife, it’s like dealing with petulant teenagers, especially when it comes to health concerns.

However, after some real-life experiences and the loss of my Mother-in-law recently, I’ve learned that we have to become parental and stand our ground on health issues. We love our parents and we want to keep them around and keep them healthy!

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Years ago my mom had a small stroke. It affected her ability to express herself–she couldn’t think of words she wanted. She’d start to tell me something, and then say, “You will in the blanks.” Well, that would be great, if I knew where she was going with it! It got better very quickly, thankfully, because she was always VERY MUCH able to express herself clearly–to others’ chagrin at times.

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If you need support, resources, or help dealing with your aging parents, check out http://www.cooperativehomecare.com. It’s a really good resource for people with elderly family to care for.

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My story is the same as that of about 70,000,000 other folks with aging parents in our country. The story comes from a common question: our home or the rest home?

My decision enabled me to complete the circle of life. I gave back to the sweet mom who birthed and raised my two brothers and me.

We moved my mom into our home for the last 5 ½ years of her life and it was a challenge to say the least. There were no books on in-my-home elder care and no organized online databases for the information and products needed for in-my-home elder care.

In spite of extensive formal education and a varied business career, I was not prepared. It took nearly three years to catch up with the learning curve. It was something new most days and nights and it was relentless. But the rewards were profound.

To help the millions coming behind us with aging parents, I resolved to put a package in place that would prepare them and help them through. The results of my efforts are a book and two organized online databases for elder care information and products. Mama Moves In is the book about deciding to proceed, preparing for the “move in”, marshalling the assets, pulling the family into the process, consulting the experts, making the home ready and living through the experience. ResearchPro are the organized online databases.

I’d like to share my experience with you and your audience. What I have done will be of no benefit to anyone if we can’t reach the millions of people who need the elder care package.

Please help.

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