Cat fight on the mom blog: Are we meaner than the sports blogs?
In a groundbreaking segment, the Today show figured out that Moms are mean to each other on parenting blogs. Shocking I know!! (They also pieced together like Sherlock Holmes that people trying to egg on others are called “trolls.”)
While I’m glad the hosts of the Today show have caught up with the rest of America, I do think it’s worth discussing why moms ARE so mean to each other on parenting blogs? Do you think they are meaner than the fanatics on the sports blogs or the political blogs? (Cause those can get very ugly too! The only time we can make the mom blog any uglier is when we talk about husbands going to sports – ie the Georgia games.)
I’ve been writing this blog for almost five years now and I have to admit I was stunned at first by the level of vitriol produced on our blog.
I’ve written before that I thought it would be all it-takes-a-village community where everyone supported each other and were kind and loving.
And sometimes we are to each other. I’m always so proud and pleased when we have a useful discussion or when we say yes that has happened to me and here is how we handled it! I love it when we don’t judge and instead offer an ear or advice.
I think there are three main reasons why moms are so mean to each other on parenting blogs in general:
- I think anytime something is anonymous, like a blog, people are much meaner than they would be in person.
- People feel very passionately about their parenting. No one thinks they are making bad decisions about their child rearing. If you chose something different for your child than another parent, then one of you has to be wrong.
- While mothers don’t think they are making wrong decision, they do have doubt and guilt lurking in the back of their brains and to stave off those feelings they go medieval on the blog.
I have learned to avoid certain topics that I know we can’t win on. We will never, ever settle the stay-at-home, work-outside-the-home debate. I usually try to avoid it – although I got sucked into it last week by a “troll.”
I also try to avoid breastfeeding/formula feeding whenever possible. You may not have noticed but I was a day late on that breastfeeding story last week because I just didn’t want to get into. I only used the story when I had the angle of how can we facilitate 90 percent breastfeeding instead of should 90 percent breastfeed. The facilitating discussion went really well. The other discussion would have gotten ugly!
So what do you think? Overall are moms too mean to each other on mom blogs? Do you think we are meaner than folks commenting on the sports and political blogs?
Is it possible for moms to be nicer to each other on parenting blogs?
Tell us what you think about the site
Customer Care »
Vacation stops, manage subscriptions and more
AJC Services
Sections
Other Editions
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
80 comments Add your comment
Easy
April 13th, 2010
10:44 am
Professor, you say you disagree with my post, but then you just give reasons why women are the way they are. You don’t actually argue that women are not mean.
And, for the record, its really NOT OK TO CRY AT WORK.
If someone died, or maybe something really bad happens, OK, cry. Maybe it happens to you two, or even three times over the course of your 30 year career.
I work with a woman who cries at work at a minimum, once a week. It makes everyone else very uncomfortable.
I also work with three women who are constantly plotting against one another. Two against one. Then they seem to change up the teams now and then.
Perhaps this is due to societal upbringing, but its a fact. Women cause more drama at work than men.
Polytron/E2M Sucks
April 13th, 2010
10:46 am
“I must either be fortunate, or just an avoider of the hot topic issues. I have received nothing but support, and I hope that is some indication of how mom and women bloggers CAN be.”
What planet are you from, again?
Earl Waters
April 13th, 2010
10:50 am
“Perhaps this is due to societal upbringing, but its a fact. Women cause more drama at work than men.”
Don’t forget gays. All the work drama (and more) with the added “benefit” of “politically correct sensitivity required” and unsavory discussions you’re forced to hear.
I have a story or two about that one. Suffice to say, he got fired eventually.
DB
April 13th, 2010
10:51 am
@easy — if their boss is putting up with this nonsense from these three women, then your workplace has bigger problems. I’d put all three of them on notice!
Will
April 13th, 2010
10:53 am
“You may not have noticed but I was a day late on that breastfeeding story last week because I just didn’t want to get into. I only used the story when I had the angle of how can we facilitate 90 percent breastfeeding instead of should 90 percent breastfeed.”
????? I remember as a child being taught that the newspapers were written on an 8th grade level. This is an example of a low c in a 5th grade english class, poor grammer, no punctuation.
Proofread or stop blogging, but show some respect for the process!
jan
April 13th, 2010
11:06 am
Women are just mean to other women – period. In the work place or online it doesn’t matter. I would rather have a man boss and co-workers anyday than a woman boss and co-workers. Men look you in the face and tell you point blank what is wrong, what you need to do to improve, that you did a good job or help you when you need advice. Women say one thing to your face and stick the knife in your back as they walk away. Women are paranoid, jealous, selfish creatures and can’t handle when another woman is better at something that they are. The majority of women can not seperate whats going on personally to what is going on at work. They don’t know how not to have one foot at home when they should have both in the work place. I tried my best to teach my girls that when they walk into their jobs whatever else is going on with them they forget until they leave the office and if they can’t do that they need to find a job that doesn’t have responsiblity with it because you can’t be in 2 places at once. Women just need to grow up and realize we are all in the same boat and helping each other would prove to be beneficial. We love to play too many stupid games and believe that we are better than the woman beside us.
YUKI
April 13th, 2010
11:16 am
JATL….you are right on! I totally agree about those mothers….drive me nuts. You just want to tell them to relax. I was not breastfed as a baby, had nothing organic and when I got out of line, believe me there was no “whispering”….it was do as I say or you are done! I turned out just fine. Those people you described make me want to throw up!
Professor
April 13th, 2010
12:00 pm
@Easy,
Thanks for adding the extra info about the ladies at your job. Women are nuturing and that is different from being a nut. Those ladies you work with behavior should not be tolerated.
Why would a company allow this to go on?
I work with a woman who cries at work at a minimum, once a week. It makes everyone else very uncomfortable.
I also work with three women who are constantly plotting against one another. Two against one. Then they seem to change up the teams now and then.
Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp
April 13th, 2010
12:05 pm
I think the anonymous = more mean argument is bunk. I forget where I heard this, but someone once told me, “if you’re mean to a waiter, you’re pretty much just mean.”
Guess what, if you’re mean on this blog, that’s a fair reflection of WHO YOU ARE. I don’t think the blog is letting you play pretend, but rather is shining a bright light on who you actually are, because the anonymity actually allows you to be honest about your feelings without personal, real life castigation.
And yes, I think women exhibit more meanness to other women than man on man meanness. Although I think it’s because you women keep coming back for more and will insist on keeping your “friendships” no matter what. When a guy treats me like I see women treat each other, I tell him to go pound sand and don’t continue the “friendship”. I think most guys have fewer friends than women do, but I think the friends we do have are better friends.
penguinmom
April 13th, 2010
12:22 pm
@Tiger – I agree with you that anonymous doesn’t make people mean. You don’t suddenly become mean because you aren’t going to get ‘caught’. You were thinking mean thoughts all along this just allows people to say what they were already thinking but would have been too afraid to say in person.
I also think blogs bring out people who just enjoy being troublemakers. They say provocative things specifically to start a fight knowing they can get away with it and that there will be someone out there who will take the bait.
Women tend to take offense a little (a lot) easier than men so will jump on a perceived slight and up the ante quickly. This quick emotional response can lead the blog to spiral out of control into mean-spiritedness.
@Phyliss/MJG – I, too, am a ‘mean’ mom. I tell my kids all the time that I’m mean (which gets me a “no you’re not Mommy” response.) I take away privileges; I don’t allow “but everyone else…” arguments; I expect politeness and obedience. My goal is to raise responsible thoughtful adults who aren’t expecting others to take care of them. If that requires me to be ‘mean’ then that is what I’m willing to do.
Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp
April 13th, 2010
12:32 pm
@TWG
“1. I think anytime something is anonymous, like a blog, people are much meaner than they would be in person”
Replace the word “meaner” with “honest” and I think you’re on to something.
“Is it possible for moms to be nicer to each other on parenting blogs?”
That’s pretty tall order….maybe baby steps like when you moms are at the pool this summer and you see another mom with a great body…instead your first thoughts being “she’s had work” or “she’s sleeping around”….why not try thinking “good for her”, or “I wish I had her level of discipline to work out as much as she must”.
Gotta crawl before you walk, you know?
Jeff
April 13th, 2010
12:48 pm
I don’t think women are more mean, I think some people have the misconception that women are nicer and are then shocked when they turn out to be mean on the same level as anyone else.
Roswell Jeff
April 13th, 2010
1:43 pm
I’ve followed this blog for quite a while now and I happen to like it’s laid back style. I think a lot of people appreciate the advice that some give, even if it’s different from their own. It’s not easy being a parent and no one gave us a manual. I’ve seen Mom’s lash out but, for the most part, people are pleasant here. If you want mudslinging, go over to Cynthia’s or Bookman’s blog. They invite that kind of atmosphere.
Roswell Jeff
April 13th, 2010
1:52 pm
My wife would agree with what some have stated above – she would much rather work for and with males. She can’t stand the cattiness – is that a word? Women in her company that she does not work with regularly will look her up and down and talk to her condescendingly. It’s almost like they are trying to show who is queen bee around there <—- her words… not mine.
Easy
April 13th, 2010
2:11 pm
“Why would a company allow this to go on? ”
Because they all have great racks.
motherjanegoose
April 13th, 2010
2:44 pm
@ mom of one:
Re: We all seem so quick to criticize each other’s parenting styles and skills as if we know from the limited time we see a mother having a tough time with her kid at the park or the store that we would handle the situation so much better and feel so much superior to her.
You are absolutely correct BUT when I see a parent whose child is behaving like a complete BRAT
( with Mom/Dad doing nothing at all) , I tell my husband…”that did not start today…there is a pattern to this behavior…”
Something to think about….
Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp
April 13th, 2010
2:45 pm
JATL 10:36 TODAY “I’m the same in person as online, but I find that many people feel the anonymity of a blog gives them carte blanche to let loose on anyone and everyone -and take it up a notch!”
JATL posts on the Feb 10 discussion of the Duggars
“ignoramuses”….”breed like a pair of rodents”….”They’re DISGUSTING!!!!!”….”Those later kids are probably crawling out”…”I particularly hate to see dumb folks breeding like rats”….”(sounds of Michelle Duggars’ labia flapping in the breeze…..)”….”I would LOVE the opportunity to tell the Duggars all of those things to their faces”
Wow….if that’s not taking it up a notch, I’d hate to see JATL really get nasty with someone.
Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp
April 13th, 2010
2:50 pm
in the interests of objectivity and fairness….here is a response of mine on family movie night topic to Fred…
“So, I’ll give you the cliff notes of my response to you …… Go %@$% yourself”..
honestly though, if he had insinuated or accused me of beating my wife in person, he would have gotten the same response, in person.
Roswell Jeff
April 13th, 2010
2:58 pm
Remember, we can’t all be “with it” every single day. Maybe Fred just had a bad day. Maybe he had just seen enough of your posts on the subject. It’s very hard to tell how someone is communicating with just words. When we are face to face we use facial expressions and body language to help ourselves communicate. I could tell someone on here to go eff themselves. How does anyone know that my intentions may be in a loving manner? LOL – yeah right! It’s just words.
Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp
April 13th, 2010
3:00 pm
@Roswell Jeff…I meant it in the most loving way possible. :-)
Easy
April 13th, 2010
3:03 pm
Anonymity just gives people courage. I used to say it about traffic. Do you ever have someone just cut you off in the car, and then they turn their head to not look at you? You can lay on the horn, but they aren’t going to look.
I always think, “Man, that guy wouldn’t even think about cutting in front of me in line at the bank, but because he knows I can’t do anything in my car, he just does it”
Same thing with bloggers. Its not that they aren’t mean people in real life, they’re just scared to say those things to someone who just might react with something other than words.
I mean, you can call me a moron all day on this blog and there’s nothing I can do about it. You might think I am a moron in real life, but you probably won’t say a word to me.
Easy, you are a...
April 13th, 2010
3:42 pm
…nah, too easy….
Becky
April 13th, 2010
4:13 pm
Like JJ, I would much rather work with men than a office full of women, which is mostly what I work with now..But, I don’t really think that we are that mean to each other on this blog..Are we? I try not to be to mean and boy do I fail on that..As for the question, yes women are mean..
@Easy..If we had one woman in our office that cried once a week, me or her one would have to find a new place to work..I’ve been at my job for 24 years and I have probably cried 5 times (max)..
Uconn
April 13th, 2010
4:32 pm
I think Jillian Michaels ( a Biggest Loser trainer for those who don’t know) said that there is a special place in hell for women who don’t support one another…. Or something to that effect. Personally I think it should be anyone who doesn’t support their fellow person. I whole-heartedly agree… Why are women so catty? I am just as gulity of it as the next person (woman)… Are we all that jealous of one another that we have to “cut” each other down to our level? Maybe if we all admired each other for what we do contribute, we would all be a lot better off… I know I am sure easier said than done… I will try *TRY* to do what Tiger said about women at the pool looking good and not being snide about it… LOL and I am not even a mom yet…
JATL
April 13th, 2010
4:51 pm
@ Tiger -as I said on that day -I would LOVE the opportunity to tell that bunch of dumba**es exactly what I wrote there! They’re some of the dumbest humans I’ve ever seen and they need to be told that on a daily basis until her uterus falls out! And yes, I’m as sweet as sunshine, but if you’re a fool, I’ll rip you a new one in a second! Today I was also speaking of people who don’t EVER say anything to anyone in person, but will go off on here for post after post after post….
Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp
April 13th, 2010
5:29 pm
JATL…and I respect that at least you have the honesty and convictions to be exactly what you are in the real world as the blog. I just think that if the 21 of them came walking by you and your kids down the street, minding their own business, and you spoke up and told them, “hey, you all are idiots who breed like rats..are those your labia flapping in the wind or is that not happening because you’ve got another kid crawling out of you?”…that might be viewed by some as, well, distasteful and lacking manners. And maybe that’s what the answer to todays question is…that we’re no more mean or dishonest…but maybe what people lose on blogs is their manners and a sense of etiquette.
motherjanegoose
April 13th, 2010
5:48 pm
@ tiger…please also add to your idea of manners and etiquette…COMMON SENSE. In fairness, some folks never had any one of these before they joined this blog…so we cannot expect miracles…LOL.
I can be a real toot to folks when they get me going ( “Hi, I know we should have called you last week but we need you to fax us _____ in the next 10 minutes” WHAT? I am driving the car and heading to the airport wishing I would not have answered my cell phone) but I try not to be nasty either in person or on this blog.
There are many ideas presented here. Some ( to me) are absolutely insane but they do get me thinking and also help me to realize why the kids I see day in and day out are on a planet I will never be visiting…called WHAT HAPPENS AT MY HOUSE. Some ( obscure) ideas have really changed my perspective on things and that makes me realize that we all have something to contribute…whether or not anyone else agrees.
Being snotty does not always help to get a point across any quicker.
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT HERE….I have been invited to speak to teachers in….drum roll…MONTANA!!!! Mission accomplished….50 states in 50 years…..:)
Daddy Mojo
April 13th, 2010
8:51 pm
Testify. My time on the Mommy blogs has been positive and I’ve seen mostly positive things. Yeah, the negative folks do creep in, but there are trolls everywhere.
FCM
April 14th, 2010
7:07 am
Do bears p00p in the woods?
Whoever said a Teen-aged Girl was the most mean creature alive was not kidding. Remember the video on You Tube where a group of girls beat up that one? How about the vicious slander in the tabloids –Miley Sirius’ take on Salena Gomez? The Women’s Team on the current Apprentice?
Whomever said women are more emotional are not off base either. The emotional receptor of the brain is several times larger in women than men. The danger receptors are larger in men than women. http://www.livescience.com/health/060419_brain_wiring.html
To me this says that women are likely to come together in times of crisis…and Theresa you stated that is when your most proud–again emotional….Then other times the emotions get in there and start the war.
Janel, Baby Keeper
April 20th, 2010
2:02 pm
I got as far as “A casual male observer’s comment. “Most men protect Ideals, such as family, nation, politics, religon, etc. As a whole, women protects her own, the children, against all others, includuing other women. This is a good thing, an act of nature, for with out this basic natural instinct, we would fail as a community, or even as basic as failing as a species. The average male does not stick around for the children, for the woman is the only true chance for survival of the children. This is true for every species on this earth, with few exceptions.”
LOVE IT! As filmmaker of “The Other Side of the Glass” a birth film for and about men’s experience in modern birth, I’m looking at the soul’s journey into a physical body and earthly family, the result of a sperm and an egg being united by a spark that results in another life. I’m looking at how men are disempowered in birth … from their experience as a baby being born and how that manifests in his experience of birthing his children. Ain’t NOWHERE else in the world, except the hospital where a man is so disregarded and disempowered when his/her wife/partner is birthing their baby into their arms.
Going back to first comment, about how women historically mean to each other, and where it is socially and culturally acceptable now, why is this? All of history? No. American history? Could be. What is the core issue? I believe we need to look at the total denial of what “Casual male observer” has so eloquently stated: “As a whole, women protects her own, the children, against all others, includuing other women. This is a good thing, an act of nature, for with out this basic natural instinct, we would fail as a community, or even as basic as failing as a species.” And, sorry to say, because I know some very caring LD/OB nurse, and I say this with regard for the fine women who are great nurses and midwives. The source, I believe, of woman-on-woman violence is OTHER WOMEN who disrupt, control, and manipulate a woman in this most vulnerable experience and she controls the father as well.
The truth is that women are unable in modern birth to protect themselves and their baby from OTHER WOMEN in the most vulnerable but power experience of her life. I don’t think there is any place else or any other woman who has so much control over a man as the hospital labor and delivery nurse. The strongest and most powerful man crumbles and is voiceless and powerless in this woman’s environment. Midwifery is under the control of medical training and beliefs, and as more medically trained midwives do more birth even women giving birth at home with a midwife are being betrayed. They are being betrayed in this moment that “Casual Male Observer” points out is true of every women: the need to protect their baby, even from OTHER WOMEN.
LOVE IT! I am filmmaker of “The Other Side of the Glass” a birth film for and about men’s experience in modern birth. I’m looking at the soul’s journey into a physical body and earthly family, the result of a sperm and an egg being united by a spark that results in another life. I’m looking at how men are disempowered in birth … from their experience as a baby being born and how that manifests in his experience of birthing his children. Ain’t NOWHERE else in the world, except the hospital where a man is so disregarded and disempowered when his/her wife/partner is birthing their baby into their arms.
continued at http://www.TheOtherSideoftheGlass.com