Are you too tired for sex?

A new study from the National Sleep Foundation shows about one in every four Americans married or living with someone says they are often too tired to have sex.

The New York Times reports:

“The study, based on a random sampling of 1,007 adults ages 25 to 60, focused on differences in sleep habits among ethnic groups — but the responses on tiredness and sex were about the same across the board.”

The report found that Whites were most likely to have a diagnosis of insomnia. Black were most likely to have sleep apnea and Hispanics stayed awake worrying about work, money and relationships.

The Asian-Americans reported getting the best sleep. Interestingly they were less likely to watch TV or drink alcohol before going to bed and were less likely to share a bed with their mate.

So what’s your status: Are you too sleep deprived to have sex? How many hours of sleep are you getting a night? What time are you getting to bed? Are your pre-bedtime ritual conducive to sleep:? What do you make of these racial breakdowns in the sleep study?

Editor’s Note: Commenting has been turned off on this entry.

215 comments Add your comment

Uconn

March 9th, 2010
10:26 am

Actually the headache excuse doesn’t fly. Its been proven that sex will get rid of a headache…. I will find the study later… (and hey I am a female!) I am newly married (but we lived together for 2.5 years) and I am sure there will come a day when one of us is too tired, but I hope now I (we) can find ways to get over being tired… As I have heard before, you will have time for sleep when you are dead. LOL … Actually last Tuesday on our cruise (honeymoon), there was a storm at sea, so you can imagine how badly the ship was rocking and bouncing… NOTHING that night as it was all I could do to keep the dinner down! Poor thing was trying to get me to sleep and I was worried about him… Oh well…

Melo

March 9th, 2010
10:29 am

If she ever makes that mistake,I am out…..

too tired for what????

I would rather have dirty dishes in the sink than have no sex.

Sex is a priority!!

yep going there....

March 9th, 2010
10:31 am

it is so sad that some women use the excuse from going from a size 2 to a 20W and blame it on the baby fat when they are sitting there stuffing their face with pastry…. It is an excuse…..

Aquarius

March 9th, 2010
10:33 am

To Sorry ladies….regarding your comment that “to use the excuse he does not help around the house is a crock” and we are using sex as a reward, you don’t have a clue.

I get up an hour earlier than my husband, go to work, get home two hours after he does, cook dinner, wash the dishes, do laundry, go thru the mail, pay bills, take out the trash, and get things ready for work the next day. All the while, he is laying up in front of the TV flipping channels which I resent because I am just as tired as he is, if not more so. We have argued about this many times in the 30 plus years that we’ve been married; however, because he is “old school” and housework is woman’s work in his opinion, I am supposed to come home to my “second job” without complaint. If he were to help with the household chores, I would be way more inclined to want sex, not to reward him but because I would not be so tired and resentful.

Wedding Cake

March 9th, 2010
10:34 am

The one food that will ruin a man’s sex life is wedding cake.

Dear Aquarius

March 9th, 2010
10:35 am

He does this because you let him

not tellin

March 9th, 2010
10:35 am

What if the husband has gained 50 pounds and has obviously not birthed any children?

well not tellin

March 9th, 2010
10:37 am

are you cooking….

e

March 9th, 2010
10:38 am

Full time work, also in graduate school working on my masters degree. Two kids 9 and 11. Continuing education class every Saturday. . .and we still average about three times a week. Mostly weekends though since the weekdays are so busy.

Dave

March 9th, 2010
10:45 am

Got some good comments in here, keep them up!

I remember the first time I had sex – I was soooo scared. I was all alone.

LOL Dave

March 9th, 2010
10:46 am

do you wear glasses now?

Robbie

March 9th, 2010
10:47 am

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday – she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.” His buddy said, “I have an idea – why don’t you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it – she’ll probably be thrilled.” So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, “Well? Did you take my suggestion?” “Yes, I did,” said the fellow. “Did she like it?” His buddy asked. “Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling “I’ll be back in an hour!!”

Andrea

March 9th, 2010
10:47 am

@Aquarius: Your husband wants a “traditional” wife in a non-traditional setting. The moment you set foot out of the house and started working outside of the home the Ward & June Cleaver scenario left. It amazes me how men want a “traditional” woman but then they also expect her to work outside of the home. If you both are in agreement, then fine. All I am trying to say is don’t expect her to work outside of the home and still take care of the house alone. It’s not fair. Aquarius – put your foot down. Or, perhaps you should put your foot up – as in up his behind.

Robbie

March 9th, 2010
10:49 am

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.” She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”

Dave

March 9th, 2010
10:52 am

I think this one sums up today’s topic:

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?” “He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

The Truth

March 9th, 2010
10:59 am

Look, here it is:

Men — You need to do your share of the house work (cooking, cleaning, laundry, time with the kids, etc.) to keep your wife happy. And you need to complement her often. Many women have “body issues” after having kids. Instead of chastising them about the “baby weight gain” you should either help them get it off (diet and exercise together) or get used to the extra pounds, or a combination of both. Women are naturally more emotional, and so when you appeal to that side of them by making them feel appreciated AND pretty, more sex should/will come — tired or not.

Ladies — If your husband is doing all those things, then the “tired” excuse doesn’t work. If you are truly tired even though he’s doing all the things I mentioned, then it’s up to you to make the adjustment, i.e., take vitamins, find a healthy energy supplement or a libido booster of some sort. Because, trust me, if he’s meeting you half way by being a thoughtful attentive husband, and you’re still not meeting him half way with a little sex 2-3 times a week, HE WILL find another woman who will fill that void (sorry, ladies, but as men we’re selfish that way).

And remember, this is Atlanta, where women far outnumber men. So no matter how “portly” or “average looking” your hubby may be, SOME woman out there will find him attractive and fullfill the need that you have not been.

Now, if the issue is that he’s no longer attractive to you (he’s let himself go too much, etc.) — whether you have the energy or not — then that’s something you two need to discuss honestly and openly.

Now, if he’s not helping around the house or with the kids, and he’s constantly on you about your weight (even though he’s no Matthew McConoughey himself), then he’s a pig and you shouldn’t have married him in the first place! (Men, if this man is you, then your wife has probably already found some guy who makes her feel special, and he’s probably getting the sex you’re not getting!!) So seek counseling.

Bottom line: Men, if you want a happy, “appreciative” wife, make sure you’re doing your part around the house and with the kids. Women, if you don’t want your husband to “stray,” (and he’s doing his part around the house) you should figure out why you’re “too tired” and address that. Or else …

TechMom

March 9th, 2010
11:00 am

I am tired but mostly it’s just a timing issue. I’ve often told him if he could be home at like 2pm a couple of days a week, that would be great. But in all honesty, if he could make it a priority to come to bed when I do, I don’t mind putting down the book at 10pm. But don’t roll over and try to get me in the mood at 11pm or midnight when YOU’RE done watching TV if I’ve already been asleep for an hour. He’s OK with 6 hours of sleep, I’m not. I wish I had more of a desire to have sex but quite frankly, I don’t.

Simple man...

March 9th, 2010
11:03 am

WOW…. I have been dealing withthis very issue and was begining to think I was the only one!! My wide and I have 2 kids ( 3 and 18) and we have fights about being to tired ALL OF THE TIME! I try to be understanding but rejsuct the argument of having to many things to do around the house. That sounds like an excuse when others say it as well as in my house. I have never cheated, but at this rate, I will be looking for a lady that thinks like Pam from the 9:46 posting!!! LOL

Lisa

March 9th, 2010
11:05 am

@Simple man…- the fact that you said: “My wide and I…” indicates you’re already looking at her as less than sexy!

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

March 9th, 2010
11:08 am

Simple answer…NO…I don’t recall ever being too tired for sex. Now there have been some nights that I’ve been REALLY tired…but TOO tired….bite your tongue! ;-)

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

March 9th, 2010
11:08 am

Oh…and Pam….you and those like you make the world go round. ;-)

Simple man...

March 9th, 2010
11:09 am

Lisa

March 9th, 2010
11:05 am

Lisa, sorry about that!!!! My wife is actually a shapely 5′3″ and 125lbs, But my typing skills leave something to be desired!!!!

QRS

March 9th, 2010
11:22 am

I would never want to have sex with any woman (wife or not) who feels like she is doing me a favor. If she is not doing it because it makes her feel good, I am not interested.

I don’t want a woman who allows me sex. I want a woman who is dying for sex.

Dar

March 9th, 2010
11:28 am

Had some this morning. Have had some medical issues the last month or so that have kept us away from the activity, but now things seem to be back to normal so we will get back into the swing. I am tired, but I like sex too much to choose sleep over it. One thing that does bother me is that my guy cannot seem to understand that many times I would really just like to enjoy having sex with him and not have him try for an hour to “please” me. I wish we could have hours on end in bed whenever we wanted, but I have work, and my son and all of his activities as well as a home to keep (and yes, my man helps with that and it does give me more time for sex).

GUYS — there is a mental component to it for women, not just physical, and as much as I love and adore you I am not always going to get there. Listen to me, I will tell you when we start that it won’t happen. This is NOT a challenge. I am not asking you to try harder. I am asking you to allow me to enjoy having sex with you and pleasing you as that pleases me (perhaps more than a “happy ending” for me would). I know you want to please me too….but when that doesn’t happen it is not about you, it is just that there is way too much other stuff going on for me and I just cannot relax enough. I wouldn’t give you BJs if I was that concerned about me.

[...] There are other consequences to a poor night’s sleep. The study suggests that always being tired can impact our personal relationships, with over 25 percent of poll respondents indicating they were frequently too tired to have sex with their part… [...]

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

March 9th, 2010
11:31 am

To me the work is not in having the energy or enough rest to actually do the deed, but rather in keeping it lively enough that you’re not doing the exact same thing over and over. I mean, for me I’m still viewing it kind of like pizza…good or bad, its still pretty good. But there are those stretches in a long term relationship where you think to yourself “wow..that was exactly the same way we did it the last 6 times and probably exactly the same way we’ll do it the next six”…but really that’s just another metaphor for life, isn’t it? I’ve had those days that I’m heading home from work thinking that exact same thing…..then I have to remind myself that life is pretty good and if that’s the worst of my problems, I’m pretty lucky.

drunk dawg

March 9th, 2010
11:33 am

That’s awesome Jeff…you were always a pretty cool neighbor.

Chuck Shick

March 9th, 2010
11:36 am

Men get tired of having sex with the same woman, ya’ll need to get over this. Men are programed biologically to mate with receptive females..it is what it is….

T

March 9th, 2010
11:37 am

I understand the stress of work, kids and home..BUT, if you are too tired for SEX ya’ll doing something WRONG or not right enough! Sex is to time what jello is to appetite. THERE’S ALWAYS ROOM!! I’m a 40 something female and my hormones are firing like a 18 year old boy…I GOTTA HAVE IT!!

Jeff in Roswell

March 9th, 2010
11:37 am

@Dar. I just wish my girl would tell me that before or even during the event. I can go at any time, lol… so if you want to try for yours that’s fine by me – just communicate!

QRS

March 9th, 2010
11:42 am

Dar, I understand what you are writing. However, a lot of the enjoyment of sex is the challenge of making sure you get yours. Like I wrote earlier, sometimes you just need a quick release, but most of the time the challenge is the excitement. I can’t remember the last time my wife didn’t get there before me. I would consider it to be horrible sex if I finished and she didn’t. Even if you don’t care about the climax, I would. I’d rather just handle my own business than engage in sex with a woman who is not going to climax.

T

March 9th, 2010
11:43 am

Stay in school Tiffany C. Spell Check doesn’t do squat for grammar!

QRS

March 9th, 2010
11:46 am

Dar, you could always just fake it. You know, when enough is enough and you just want to go to sleep already.

Dar

March 9th, 2010
11:47 am

@Jeff – Communication is the key to all that is good in a relationship. That is where most fall apart. In reading the comments today, I see both men and women who feel taken advantage of by their mate in one way or another. I felt that way with my X. While my X was wrong to leave all of the work to me, I was wrong not to sit him down and talk about it. The result? We are Xs. This time around I am doing it the right way. With sex, I have always communicated. I know before or within the first few minutes if anything is going to happen for me — although I have been pleasantly surprised from time to time. It has nothing to do with my man – he is wonderful in bed – it is just that sometimes there is too much junk in the way and I just cannot let go enough (that is MY fault, not his). However, I still get a ton of physical and emotional enjoyment from being with him and pleasing him. The more we have communicated about this the better it has gotten and the easier it has become for him to accept and enjoy. You really should have a discussion with your girl about it. Time is often an issue as well. Nothing gets me going more than giving a BJ as foreplay, but, alas, there is not always time for that, so we have to enjoy what we can manage at the time. Life ain’t perfect, folks. Sex is as exciting as you want it to be. It may be the same person and the same position, but if you are getting bored with it the problem is YOU.

TechMom

March 9th, 2010
11:47 am

@Dar, that’s when I tell my husband “I’m OK with a quickie” that’s my way of saying, “you don’t have to spend 45 mins trying to get me there b/c it likely won’t happen”.

@QRS, there are just times when it’s just not going to happen for me and while I still enjoy sex, I’m just not going to get ‘there’ no matter how much he tries and I’d rather him not try for 45 mins.

T

March 9th, 2010
11:48 am

@ QRS – It’s great that you found the perfect woman to be your wife because many of us never get thier and still enjoy it greatly! I love sex and am very sexually active but intercourse just hasn’t gotten me there, YET….but it’s FUN trying….but I’m like Dar it’s a LOT more cerebral for us and sometimes I just want to get it done and relax and enjoy the afterglow. Don’t try to make the ground move with marathon sex EVERY time. It’s quality, not quantity.

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

March 9th, 2010
11:50 am

@Dar…you are ON POINT today! Communication is key…and works wonders to getting out of any kind of rut.

Dar

March 9th, 2010
11:52 am

Fake it? Why would I lie to my mate like that? Sex is not a challenge, it is a wonderful experience to be shared by two loving people. It isn’t like I make up my mind not to, it is just that I cannot always and it is my mental block not his failing. Believe me, most of the time there are happy endings all around. Sometimes, not for me. But I am not going to deny myself the pleasure of sex because I don’t climax each time (perhaps it is a medical condition, I dunno) and I am NOT going to lie to my mate about it either. No thanks.

T

March 9th, 2010
11:53 am

Somtimes I get stuck on the same thing because it is just SO good! The best sexual relationships I have had has not been the result of superior technique but the result of excellent communication between the two of us. Willingness to talk, take instruction and experiment!

sammy

March 9th, 2010
11:54 am

homework makes her too tired for sex…. damn you Georgia Tech

Tiger Ochocinco Mellencamp

March 9th, 2010
11:57 am

@QRS and Dar…I’m with Dar, I’d rather be told straight up it’s not going to happen than have her fake it. Talk about playing the fool.

[...] There are other consequences to a poor night’s sleep. The study suggests that always being tired can impact our personal relationships, with over 25 percent of poll respondents indicating they were frequently too tired to have sex with their part… [...]

Jonsey

March 9th, 2010
12:09 pm

@ Jeff ….LOL

Pisces

March 9th, 2010
12:13 pm

I see why some people cheat… I have a man who is in his early 30’s and overweight. I am in my late 20’s and overweight as well but I love having sex. He does not. All he wants to do is “make out” and he thinks when I beg for sex it’s unattractive. I feel like we are already old and married. I thought guys would love for their women to be sex machines. I guess I picked a dud… he told me the other night he has already reached his sexual peak…..

QRS

March 9th, 2010
12:16 pm

Tiger, presumably you wouldn’t know she faked it.

All I am saying is that if my wife calmly communicated that it wasn’t going to happen for her, I would just stop. We all have what different things that get us there, and for me its getting her there. I really don’t want discussion during sex either. i just want gutteral noises, moans, screams, and demands.

QRS

March 9th, 2010
12:16 pm

Pisces, lose some weight and find someone else.

@Pisces

March 9th, 2010
12:17 pm

have you read the book he just aint into you… girl pack your stuff and move on.. life is way too short

Pisces

March 9th, 2010
12:21 pm

He has told me that he wants to marry me and have children. He loves me but not sex. It’s hard to lose weight when you have PCOS…

Simple man...

March 9th, 2010
12:22 pm

T

March 9th, 2010
11:37 am

I don’t mean to be offensive, but would you be interested having a wonderful and mutually rewarding “friendship” with a nice, commited, but unsatisfied Guy???? LOL

Barack Obama

March 9th, 2010
12:25 pm

I’m NEVER too tired for sex. Michelle isn’t either. That gal can take it all night long. Her on top, me on top, from behind, with a zucchini, with a couple of Secret Service guys, it just doesn’t matter! Our favorite spot is the Lincoln bedroom under the portrait of GW Bush. Sometimes I ask Rahm Emmanuel to coach me while I’m doing it. David Axelrod and Robert Gibbs take notes and we talk about it later.