Is hubby your ‘Soul Mate’?

We did watch the premiere of “The Marriage Ref” on Sunday and the one thing that really caught my attention was host Tom Papa’s little routine at the beginning of the show about his single friends trying to find their soul mates. He advised just to settle for the person that they could basically get along with OK. They don’t have to perfect. They just have to be someone you can tolerate for a long period of time. (I’m trying to pull up his exact wording on the joke but the NBC video is taking forever!)

When I was young I did believe Michael was my soul mate. We started dating when I was 19 and he was 21. He always said there’s no such thing as soul mates. He believed there were loads of people you could marry and do relatively well with. That used to hurt my feelings terribly, but now I kind of agree.

I think you can do a very good job finding someone that you do really mesh with and are pretty close to soul mates and those are the marriages that last. Michael and I have been together for 18 years. I think we did a pretty good job finding a match that understand us, we can work with, have the same interests, and overall get each other.

Are there other people out there we each could have ended up marrying? Probably and the life would have been OK. Different but OK. But I don’t think as good the match that we are.

So my question is: Do you believe in soul mates? Do you believe there is just ONE person out there for you that is exactly the right match? Do you believe you found that person?

OR

Do you believe there are multiple people with whom you could create a relatively happy life? Do you think you would be the same person if you married a different person? Would your life have turned out the same way?

141 comments Add your comment

julia

March 2nd, 2010
7:10 am

People come in and out of your life for a reason. I really think that as far as young women are concerned… When they fall in love they think this person is their soul mate…… they want the fairy tale love affair and that is just not how life works.

motherjanegoose

March 2nd, 2010
7:33 am

I do not think I would not be here in Atlanta, if I did not marry my husband. I would not own my own business and perhaps not be traveling all over the country doing what I (mostly) love. He has definitely made an impact on my life and we have 2 children that we adore.

Are we soulmates? I do not think so. I would be a different person had I married someone else.

We are not a lovey dovey couple ( surprised? LOL). We have been through many challenges that many folks have not and that has strengthened us. We have a history and hopefully a future.

I meet lots of interesting folks and am intrigued to watch how their marriage works…or not.

Dave

March 2nd, 2010
7:35 am

Since there are lots of Dads that comment on this site, the title should be: Is spouse your ‘Soul Mate’?

I believe there are lots of folks we could have married. But when you find your ’soul mate’ as I did, you can’t imagine anyone else. We are so perfect for each other that it’s as if we were made for each other.

I could have possibly married smarter or prettier (don’t tell her I said that) or more athletic or funnier, etc. BUT, I couldn’t have come up with this great of a combination besides her.

Don't be hating

March 2nd, 2010
7:37 am

@julia – maybe the fairy tale didn’t work for you, but it does work for some people and that IS how life sometimes works.

motherjanegoose

March 2nd, 2010
7:43 am

Here is something I have often thought about;

Would I be happier if my spouse absolutely doted on me and made so much money that I would not have to work and would stay home and run the house?

I think I would miss what I have. What if I were married to someone who is not used to a strong women and did not want me traveling all over the US but insisted that I give it up? That would be hard for me. It would cut out a chunk of my life and what I enjoy.

As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side.

One other thing….I think BOTH spouses have to contribute the fact that they agree on being soul mates in order for it to fly….maybe just me. One person’s paradise could be another’s he$$.

Not mine to judge but I am just saying. I imagine it is wonderful for both spouses to be head over heals about each other for ever….isn’t it?

Allie

March 2nd, 2010
7:48 am

I thought I’d met my soul mate. We just clicked in every way. He was (is) a great person, who made me laugh and feel loved and safe with him. After knowing him a few weeks, it already felt like I’d known him for years; I couldn’t imagine not having him in my life.

Unfortunately my family are very judgemental – at 30-something, they don’t expect me to settle down and find anyone now, so they just dismissed him. Also they don’t like my type of guy (I like a good outdoor type guy, not the preppy office guy). I tried to continue the relationship but the family issues made it too difficult. I’m lucky enough that we’re able to maintain a friendship, and we talk often. He’s met someone new and while I’m so happy for him, I can feel my heart breaking all over again. :(

Any advise on dealing with a judgmental family who think their daughter/sister is “past it” and destined to be single for the rest of her natural born life, and so any guy brought him isn’t worth the time of day?

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

March 2nd, 2010
7:52 am

dave I thought about that –

Jeff

March 2nd, 2010
7:54 am

@ Allie. What is this, 1945? So you’re taking on the burden of not being happy so some of your family members CAN be happy? WTH? Honey, I don’t even know where to start.

Jeff

March 2nd, 2010
8:07 am

My marriage didn’t work so kinda thinking that my thoughts on soulmates might be off a little. LOL.

Dave

March 2nd, 2010
8:20 am

@Allie – you need to be looking out for yourself. If you like the guy, then go for it. You say your family is very judgmental – is he a different race or something dramatic like that? Also, they don’t want you to settle down at 30-something? How old do they want you to be before you get married – in your 40’s? Do you not have any interest in children?

Stand up, live your own life – call this man, tell him you’ve been a jerk and you’d really like to get him back (if he’s not married yet). He may be settling for this other girl and would really take you back.

Raqi

March 2nd, 2010
8:20 am

Allie, I agree with Jeff. It’s okay to respect the opinion of others but to let other’s opinions dictate who you choose to live your life with is just cheating yourself. You are the one that has to live with the man you choose. You are the one that has to wash his dirty drawers. You are the one that has to sex him. You are the one that has to endure his annoying habits. Not your family. Why marry someone they approve of yet be miserable in your heart and your own home when they are nowhere to be found.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

March 2nd, 2010
8:21 am

alllie — tell them to screw off – - you date and pursue whomever you enjoy and are attracted to. that’s crazy to ruin your happiness over what someone else thinks –

Jane

March 2nd, 2010
8:22 am

Allie – tell your family to bite you and go live YOUR life.

Jeff in Roswell

March 2nd, 2010
8:22 am

Enter your comments here

Wondering

March 2nd, 2010
8:22 am

I think Allie lives at home and is to scared to upset mommy and daddy.

(Theresa, can’t believe you said to screw off!!!!)

Jeff in Roswell

March 2nd, 2010
8:23 am

Allie, live your life for YOU. Don’t live it for your family.

Jeff in Roswell

March 2nd, 2010
8:24 am

What a potty mouth that Theresa is. :)

Erica

March 2nd, 2010
8:25 am

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to appreciate the value of truly liking your mate as a person, not just the whole “fairy tale/soul mate” thing. I think to make a long term relationship like marriage work, friendship and comraderie have to be a part of it. Yes, the romance and “soul mate” characteristics are all wonderful and desirable. But, let’s face it….life happens. Circumstances can bring tests, hard times, challenges into even the best of marriages. What are the things that make you stick with it, even when it gets rough?

My husband is really my best friend. We often laugh about the fact that we probably would have been really good friends anyway, even if we hadn’t clicked romantically. We truly enjoy each other’s company and are still able to laugh (which is almost daily) with each other, and to talk and share. He’s who I confide in first and I typically get sound advice from him and I value his opinion. I think he’d say the same. and this is after 8 years together, almost 6 married.

Would I say he’s my soul mate? I think he was just the right person for me, absolutely. We just clicked, from day one. I think the “soul mate” concept is ultimately about finding someone who “gets who you are”, not just at that point in time, but “gets” who you are as a person, and you share similar values, goals, ideas about life and what marriage/commitment means.

Jeff

March 2nd, 2010
8:27 am

@ Allie: Let me give you a tip from my experience with people like your family (and I’m being gently because it’s your family): you are chasing “their” satisfaction at the expense of your own. And the dirty trick is, they will never be happy about your decision so you will, in turn, always be chasing their happiness. They will NOT recicprocate. It is not your job in life to make sure you live the life they think you should live. It’s your job in life to be a grown up and make your own deicisions, for better or worse.

Jeff in Roswell

March 2nd, 2010
8:28 am

I was like Theresa in the fact that I thought my wife and I were soul mates and she believed as Michael does. As usual, she was right and I was wrong, lol.

My wife is getting her MBA and there are three members of her team that had arranged marriages. They had a candid discussion about that – it was very interesting. Can you be a soulmate in that situation?

Raqi

March 2nd, 2010
8:29 am

The more I think about this term “Soul Mates” the more I don’t buy into it. I used think my husband and I are soul mates but what does the term actually mean. My husband and I are happy. We make each other happy. We get along great and share common interests. But does that make us soul mates?

IMO marriage is what you make and while I love my husband with all my heart I hope to be with him until death do us part, I don’t believe that had I not got with him I could not be happy with another. He and I are great together. He is the blues in your left thigh the funk in my right but had he not come into my life I believe there would have been another.

cld

March 2nd, 2010
8:29 am

I believe in soul mates, but I think marriages between people who are not “soul mates” can work just as well. Like someone else said, I think there are reasons unknown to us, why certain people come into our lives at certain points in time – and not just our romantic partners. So in that sense, I think there’s a reason those people who click with us so well – or complement us so well – meet us at just those moments.

Being soul mates doesn’t mean nothing will break you – and not being souls mates doesn’t mean something will. I believe that my parents were soul mates. They clicked and understood one another in a way no one else did. And I have seen the comparisons – they divorced when I was a teenager, and both went on to subsequent relationships and even remarried. Circumstances beyond their control drove them to separate. A number of years later, my mother passed away. To this day, my dad makes comments about his guardian angel and I know he’s talking about her.

RJ

March 2nd, 2010
8:33 am

I’ve been with my husband since I was a teen and I believe that we just have a very special connection. He’s my best friend. We call each other and share just about everything. I’m blessed to have him in my life. I do believe we each could’ve met someone else and had a wonderful relationship, it just would’ve been different. As a kid I saw my parents as soulmates. They are still the best of friends. This year is their 40 year anniversary. They will be renewing their vows and having that wedding they never had. My kids can’t wait! I remember my friends always saying that they seemed to be made for each other. I’ve always thought the same thing. I’m sure they would say they could’ve had a great relationship with someone else and been very happy. However, we’ll never know if that is really true.

gpkbsin

March 2nd, 2010
8:58 am

my husband and i are not soulmates.. my husband made it clear when we were dating. i should say that he said it in spite because we were having a fight. in a way, i’m happy with that. i’d be too hurt if i was mad at my soul mate or him at me. i love him and can’t see spending my life without him. don’t need anything else.

Michelle

March 2nd, 2010
9:12 am

Yes, I think there are soul mates. Do many people marry their soul mates? Probably not. Can you marry someone not your soul mate and be happy? I think so.

I have 2 friends (separate ones) whom I believe have met their soul mates. Even when “life” happens between them, they cannot imagine their lives without the other and felt their lives before were unfulfilled. They met and “instantly” knew. They were just drawn together from that time foward (across several states). Over the process of time, they are both now married to these men and cannot imagine their life without them.

Allie, do not let your family choose your mate for you. I would take their opinion as you would just about anyone else. YOU have to live your life with the person you feel is right for you. If it turns out not to work out, then you’ve still had an experience that will shape you for the rest of your life (good & bad). What if he really is the person for you?

Karma

March 2nd, 2010
9:25 am

In the same manner that a backwards baseball cap immediatly lowers a guys I. Q. by 50 points, the use of the word Hubby does the same for women. it cant be for brevity, your only 2 letters away from the original! Watch out for these other Mombie phrases; sibs, veggies, pedi, …getting…dizzy, cant ..type…too many mombie words….in succession, much dumber …now. Have the strange urge to drive an SUV while talking on a cell.

5!!!

March 2nd, 2010
9:35 am

I tell people not to look for a soul mate, but rather look for a team mate. Life is hard work, you need someone to share some goals and work together as a team.

Karma, the phrase I hate most is “preggers”. Its not cute.

JJ

March 2nd, 2010
9:52 am

I think a “soulmate” could be a best friend. They don’t have to be of the opposite sex nor do you have to be married to them. I have a VERY DEAR friend who to me is my soul mate. We clicked the very instant we met and have been the best of friends for about 10 years now. She and I are so much alike, we could have come from the same seed.

Soulmates come in all kinds of packages……

JJ

March 2nd, 2010
9:53 am

I’m home sick, and it is snowing like crazy in Buford. Only in Georgia can you get all four seasons in one week!!!

Enjoy.

Allie

March 2nd, 2010
9:56 am

@ Wondering…….Actually, I don’t live at home. I’m a hardworking 30-something, with a good job and my own place. I am very close to my family but I’ve always been the black sheep. My siblings were all settled down & married before leaving their 20’s. I’ve always done my own thing really and not worried about finding a husband and settling down – if it happens, it happens.

I just wish they’d give people a chance, to not judge them on their appearance, or their job, or whatever. Good people come in different packages, and as long as the guy I’m with is good to me, why should anything else matter? We came from nothing growing up, didn’t have it all. Now that success has provided financial stability, they’re full of airs and graces.

5!!!

March 2nd, 2010
10:03 am

“…as long as the guy I’m with is good to me, why should anything else matter?”

That is a question that you should ask yourself. I don’t think it should.

TechMom

March 2nd, 2010
10:09 am

I think my husband thinks of me as his soulmate but I don’t think the same of him. I think we’re fine partners in this thing called marriage but I don’t connect with him on a level that I would consider the ’soul’ level. I don’t feel compelled to tell him everything or even share most of my concerns with him. I do love him dearly and certainly appreciate who is, I just don’t think of him as my soulmate.

New Stepmom

March 2nd, 2010
10:14 am

The “soul mate” concept and the “You complete me” concept get on my nerves. Theresa, you summed up my feelings on soul mates perfectly. The “You complete me” is a load of hooey too. If you are not complete when you meet a person and cannot love who you are, function on your own, and make you own happiness-you are in for a miserable relationship. You have to complete yourself and have the right person add to that. I have made mistakes in relationships before I married and most of those mistakes fall into one of the previously mentioned categories. When I met the hubs, I had my dog, my group of friends, my family and a new nephew and I was ok with that being my life. He added so much more, but he did not “complete me” and I did not complete him, we added more good things to already complete lives.

@Allie-I was 34 when I married and my younger brother had been married for 4 years when we tied the not. My parents were awesome, they only wanted me to find happiness, not just a guy-but others were down right cruel. Hang in there, it can be tough at times because it sounds like you are leading the life I led and it was so rewarding. I was frustrated when no one wanted to hear about the work I did or the house I bought, but only why I was not married. I finally got to the point that I would often respond “Why buy the whole pig for just a little sausage” and walk away smiling. Good luck!

Jeff

March 2nd, 2010
10:49 am

Oh, yeah. Allie, my guess is that when you do get married, those same people will be asking you at the reception when you are going to have a baby.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

March 2nd, 2010
10:56 am

JJ — we played out side all yesterday afternoon and now this — it is amazing — something funky going on but that is a different conversation.

first time poster

March 2nd, 2010
11:00 am

I don’t believe in soul mates. If you get married it should be to someone you genuinely like and have some (not necessarily all) common interests with.

Wayne

March 2nd, 2010
11:02 am

I love this blog! “Why buy the whole pig for just a little sausage”… OMG, that is too funny… I’m learnin’ all sorts of sayings.

DreamGirl

March 2nd, 2010
11:37 am

I absolutely do believe in ’soul mates’ and married mine.
I think there are multiple people I could be ‘happy’ with but not ‘as happy’.

Lady Strange

March 2nd, 2010
11:38 am

My ex was not my soul mate. We tried to make it work for years but there was no saving it. We are still friends though for the sake of our son. I have since met my soul mate, we both feel that we are soul mates and are supposed to be together. We have a long road ahead of us. I live in Georgia, he lives in Canada. We are best friends and I cannot imagine being without him. It will take some time but we will both do anything to be together. We are a team. Sounds crazy, and it is, but I couldn’t ask for a better man. He’s imperfectly perfect, not a perfect person (no one is) but perfect for me. :)

Michelle

March 2nd, 2010
11:40 am

JJ, interesting thought! I just thought of them as my soul sister!! :o)

Julia

March 2nd, 2010
12:22 pm

Don’t be hating would you now like to add any thing else?

Rachel Realist

March 2nd, 2010
12:41 pm

Probably not, a lot of women and men just settle because of things like a pregnancy or for financial reasons.

Don't be hating

March 2nd, 2010
12:45 pm

@ Julia – about what? The fairy tale didn’t work for you (obviously), but it does work for some of us (like me) and sometimes that’s how life works. What more do you want, I was simply making a statement.

You’re the one that opened the comments with a downer about failed relationships. Get over it – not all relationships fail.

Julia

March 2nd, 2010
12:50 pm

I just did not word it the same as everyone else so get over your self coward

Don't be hating

March 2nd, 2010
12:58 pm

Oh, grow up Julia. I didn’t say anything insulting or not true.

You’re pissed because you’re divorced, so you hold a grudge against relationships and want everyone to be as miserable as you are. GET OVER IT.

Just because you had a bad marriage doesn’t mean you should piss on other people’s happiness. I’ve got a great marriage and no matter how snotty or pissy you are, it’s not going to change it. I tried being nice to you, but you’re just not worth it – and I’m not a coward: you’re the coward because you won’t even try to have a good relationship because you’re to far gone into your own little pity party. And, no, NO ONE ELSE pissed on happy relationships. Just you.

GROW UP.

Jane

March 2nd, 2010
1:00 pm

julia, the only thing “dont be hating” posted prior to your 12:22 post was a 7:37 comment that fairy tales work for some people. Certainly no reason to call them a coward or be snippy.

What’s your problem? Bad day?

ATL06

March 2nd, 2010
1:03 pm

I personally have never had a soulmate but I do think that they exist. Does a person have to be your soulmate in order for you to have a successful relationship? No. Relationships work for different reasons. It all depends on what the couple agrees is important to them. If you have absolutely nothing in common or if your beliefs are totally different chances are your relationship will not work.

There's Always Therapy

March 2nd, 2010
1:07 pm

Julia is one bitter woman. She needs therapy. Failed marriage, always thinks she right. Do your kids even like you?

Tiffany

March 2nd, 2010
1:20 pm

I do believe that some people can find their soul mate. Other people are brought together by different reasons…and it may work out just as well. One thing I know for sure is that Allie needs to go and get her man back. Don’t miss out on something great just because your family has a problem with it!

Talk About Bitter

March 2nd, 2010
1:25 pm

Julia also spanks her kids and admitted it freely here yesterday. Definitely a bitter, angry person.