‘The Marriage Umpire:’ Hubby never plans ahead!
This is our fourth round of “The Marriage Umpire.” I have two more topics we can do today. You send us your marital problem and we’ll help you solve it. (We actually do this all the time but we’re officially playing this week as we await the new show “The Marriage Ref” by Jerry Seinfeld on NBC.)
“Both my best friend and I have this issue -our husbands know our birthdays are very close to Christmas. They’re the same day every year! We both save up and budget our money long before our husband’s birthdays (even though they occur near NO major holidays), so we can get them something very nice that they actually want. However it seems (especially over the last 5 years when we’ve actually given birth to their offspring) that they are so unprepared for our birthdays that we get very little or almost nothing. Both of these men used to be GREAT gift givers, and quite honestly it’s important to me because of the thought more so than the object. I feel like I constantly plan ahead for many things -vacations, festivals, occasions and holidays that all require some planning, but he never does and it’s caused problems a number of times. I feel like this shouldn’t be something that’s just a part of his personality, but that he should start thinking ahead a little bit.”
What do you think? Do men plan less than women? Should this husband put more effort into planning ahead? What about on the gifts? Is there a point where men turn into bad gift-givers? Should he look ahead or she just accept that as part of his personality?
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198 comments Add your comment
Jane
February 25th, 2010
11:11 am
@5!!! – usually you’re looking for some sort of activity for the kids at the party. How about an activity to make cards for your son?
That way, the kids can each make a card for your son there. You’ll have various colors of construction paper, crayons, markers, stickers, etc available for the kids and they don’t have to plan ahead of time.
Your son gets home made cards, you have an activity for the kids and everybody’s happy!
Lisa
February 25th, 2010
11:12 am
Obviously – Married2him, Mommy2them :-) – IS Donna the Silent Planner, trying to advertise for business on here.
Pathetic.
5!!!
February 25th, 2010
11:15 am
Thats pretty good Jane. I will do that for sure. I will buy the mmaterials and then put them out.
We usually do an easter egg hunt. I was thinking of field day activities this year. Tug-O-War, Relay Race, Egg Race, Balloon toss, ect….
Michelle
February 25th, 2010
11:16 am
Jeff and 5, sometimes, I think the party itself is the “fun” part! My son wants to go go Stars & Strikes for his birthday party. He doesn’t really need any gifts because of the experience itself! I also have to wonder the age of the children too.
Some kids just naturally “grasp” the concept of homemade and thoughtful gifts over store bought! And, if his parents/family are getting him gifts, he will still have something to open!
Hey 5, what about having “supplies” there and letting the kids “make” the birthday cards at the party? It may not be as much fun for your son though…just a thought!
MomOf2Girls
February 25th, 2010
11:17 am
The only thing my husband does plan is birthday gifts! I always get something thoughtful on my birthday. It’s all the other stuff I wish he would help plan (vacations, etc), but I figure in the grand scheme of things, this is only a small part of who he is, and most of the other stuff is great.
@5!!! I don’t know how old your son is, and a lot of his reaction will depend on that. Just make sure he’s on board with the no gifts thing. As far as the kids creating their own cards for him, the only way to guarantee that is to have it as an activity at the party. You could also do some activity that will wind up with him having a tangible memory that won’t be considered “stuff” (pillowcases with pictures of him with each of his friends ironed on, with the friend writing a message by his pic, and of course another pillowcase for each kid w/ copy of pic; scrapbook of a drawing each friend did at the party or beforehand, etc). I can almost guarantee though, especially if your son is younger, that even if you say no gifts, there will be some parents who show up with one anyway for whatever reason, and the other parents / kids will feel bad for not bringing something. You’d be better off saying “bring a gift appropriate for donation to a homeless shelter / children’s hospital / whatever your charity of choice is”.
Michelle
February 25th, 2010
11:17 am
LOL Jane…we must have been posting at the same time!!! :D
julia
February 25th, 2010
11:20 am
I am one of those that avoid the shops during GS cookie sales, but I also do NOT do children’s over the top birthday parties. We had do do a few when the boy was younger but now its hmmm no… I do not think an 8 year old needs to have 100 dollar pizza party at chuck yer cheese with over the top gifts…..
TechMom
February 25th, 2010
11:22 am
@5!!!, I think it’s OK to tell close family members they don’t need to bring gifts but not other kids. When my son was younger, my parents bought him enough stuff the rest of the year and knew he’d get gifts on his birthday from other people so they started buying him savings bonds. I guess you could put “your presense is all that is desired” which I’ve seen on things like open houses or engagement parties but never a kid’s birthday party. My suggestion is to tell your son upfront that in order to make room for any new presents, he is going to have to go through the stuff he does have and choose some items to donate to the local children’s shelter. Teach him the gift of giving AND decluttering!
5!!!
February 25th, 2010
11:24 am
Alright, here is what I am going to do. I will put on the invitation “Your Presence is the only Present Requested” (clever huh?) and then at the party I will have one of those big mats for framing pictures. I will have all the children sign the mat and then take a group picture of those that are there and put it in the mat. Then he can have something tangible for the party, but the activity won’t distract from teh other fun.
If some people do bring gifts, we will say, “Thank you, that is awfully thoughtful”, but we won’t be opening them there.
I will also talk to my son about all of this prior to the party.
Thanks for the advice parents.
be a giver
February 25th, 2010
11:25 am
Every one needs to go and read books by Ermma Bombeck…she puts marriage and all that imples in true, funny, and light hearted perspective.
18 years of marriage, I asked my husband what song reminds him of me…he says “all of them”. I asked him if he loves me “he says, Always-do the girls need to be picked up? I talked to their coach today.”….Wonderful gift from a husband and/or wife…love each other and the kids…doesn’t cost a thing.
Married2him, Mommy2them :-)
February 25th, 2010
11:28 am
@ Lisa. Absolutely NOT! It is not that serious to me. The original post is a complaint/vent, I am simply sharing what makes me happy, and helps keep me happy. Sheesh!
Becky
February 25th, 2010
11:28 am
@5!!!..Depending on your sons age, and if some feel that they need to bring a gift, how about telling people to maybe just a %5 gift card..Of course I don’t know how you would go about asking people to do this in just the right way..
Becky
February 25th, 2010
11:32 am
Oops..Should be $5.00 gift card..
cld
February 25th, 2010
11:32 am
Wow, I would be kinda freaked out if my husband were using a “romance concierge”. I also am the wife who is glad her hubby doesn’t waste money on flowers. So I definitely don’t want him paying a commission for someone to plan something for me!
The only birthday demands I have put on my husband (and he has reciprocated) is that he makes or gets a cake for me. And, it can’t be a Christmas-themed cake. My birthday is the week before Christmas, and I can’t tell you how many red/green “birthday” cakes I had growing up. The one year that he ordered my cake instead of making it, he had it decorated in an all-out beach theme; as far from Christmas as it could be!
It’s almost always homemade, and the birthday person gets to pick what kind of cake he or she wants. The year that I was pregnant, he actually took a vacation day from work to have time to make my cake and clean the house. :) I guess he plans more than I give him credit for.
wmsmommy
February 25th, 2010
11:33 am
Though I like the idea of what you are trying to do for your son’s birthday, I think Emily Post has spoken out quite clearly that telling your guests what gifts TO bring you is in poor taste. Telling them no gifts please is acceptable.
cld
February 25th, 2010
11:36 am
Oooh – as far as the kids’ party . . . you could provide all the supplies for handmade cards. The kids can do it at the party. That way you don’t have to ask them to do it ahead of time. When the kids/parents RSVP, you might even mention the handmade cards to them.
But I agree with other posters about depriving a child of opening ANY gifts at his/her party. Depending on the age, that’s a big deal. If they’re toddlers or old enough for you to discuss it with them, then the birthday kids might be okay with it . . . but those in-between years, might be kinda disappointing.
be a giver
February 25th, 2010
11:42 am
@5!!!, too organized….what happened to having kids over and letting them play? As a child, we had birthdays with no party planner, no confetti, just my family, friends, cake, and free for all.
Peachy
February 25th, 2010
11:43 am
@JATL – don’t tell me it isn’t about the gifts it is about the plan, I realize that. I am just saying tell your husband that. It is unfair for you and him to only talk about things when you are emotional or upset. Sit down in a controlled, quiet environment (no kids) and simply tell him you would be delighted to see some plan or thoughtfulness and the lack of it of has been hurtful. Telling everyone on this blog about your problems and hurt feelings doesn’t help your marriage and only leads to more resentment on your side. Telling your husband about your feelings in a constructive manner will help your marriage. The key is communication, in a respectful honest manner!
Petie The Crab
February 25th, 2010
11:45 am
I’ve decided after reading these comments that my habit of not planning ahead is far worse than I thought or imagined and I deserve swift and just punishment. So I’m thinkin’ of commiting sideways or Harry Carey or somethin’. Course, I must admit I was already depressed after hearing they are considering bringing back FreakNik!
JATL
February 25th, 2010
11:59 am
@ Peachy -READ WHAT I’VE WRITTEN -I have explained that to him over and over and over -yes there have been arguments, but there have been plenty of calm discussions as well.
Wilbur
February 25th, 2010
12:12 pm
cld – try reading the comments posted at 11:11 and 11:16.
Read other’s posts and don’t just post your own.
SilverBlue
February 25th, 2010
12:14 pm
My husband travels a lot for work. To someones earlier point, he is out providing for the family. So I wouldn’t mind if he used a “silent planner” to help him… just means to me that he is smart enough to realize he’s not able to do it all, wants to do something nice for me, needs some help, and knows if he comes home with nothing planned – that’s a problem. Rather than he miss a significant date or is nonchalant about doing something because he can’t think of anything to do or forgot. And if it’s a silent planner I guess it’s something I’m not suppose to know about!
JJ
February 25th, 2010
12:15 pm
Jeff, one year for my stepdaughter’s 8th birthday I bought a tee shirt for her and a bunch of fabric pens. All the kids wrote Happy Birthday on the Tee shirt, and did some drawings, and signed their names. She still has the tee shirt, and she is 29 years old.!!!!
melissai
February 25th, 2010
12:16 pm
5!! – for my niece’s birthday last year, my sister put a note in the invitations that read, “in lieu of gifts, please consider making a donation to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.” My niece was thrilled to accept the donations because she knows the money will go to finding a cure for her cousin. I have also seen people do birthday parties with, “in lieu of gifts, please consider bringing a bag of dog or cat food or a pet toy to be donated to the local animal shelter.” That was a big hit – I had FUN shopping for animals in need and the birthday girl was thrilled with the donation she was able to make.
Now, on topic, my husband isn’t a planner – wasn’t when we were dating and isn’t now. I don’t have unrealistic expectations of him, so when he surprises me it is wonderful. I love him and accept him and his quirks and lack of planning. :)
flwrgrl
February 25th, 2010
12:25 pm
As a teenager, I dated a guy whose family kept a discrete list tacked inside a kitchen cabinet with each members name and underneath probably 5 to 6 items listed, such as Mom: crock pot, scrapbook, Bible, brown wallet; Son: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s new album, fishing tackle box, tape player for truck; Dad: car wash kit, leaf blower, bedroom slippers, briefcase. After I noticed the list once while getting a glass out of the cabinet, I asked what the purpose was. The mom explained to me that that they used it to provide ideas to one another of gifts that would be welcomed for birthdays, Xmas, etc. Anytime they saw something they wanted, they would add it to the list. Then when someone had an event coming up, the others would pick an item off the list, and the one presented with the gift was sure to get something they really wanted without knowing exactly what it would be, or having to remind and hint. I always thought that was the greatest system I had seen, as my family fell into the “oops, is it Christmas already?” category.
As to the birthday gift issue, as my 2 sons started receiving way too many toys from relatives and friends for birthdays and Christmas, I discovered it was easier to just take some of the toys after they were unwrapped, yet still in the box and put them in a big box in the attic once we got home, but before the boys had a chance to destroy box. The boys never felt the absence since they had plenty to play with, and I would let them open and play with the 2 or 3 favorites they had really wanted. Those in the big box could be pulled out as the year went on and they were ready for something new, or if we needed a gift to give to someone at the last minute. Worked for us. As they got older (10 or so) parents stopped giving toys and typically gave money or gift cards, which my boys loved even more, as they could get what they wanted on their own, and we moms only had to buy a card, not spend 2 hours on the phone figuring out which red power ranger he didn’t already have, drive to Toys R Us only to find they were out of the red power rangers and only had the green, then trying to find something else, spending 5 dollars more on an appropriate gift bag with the red power ranger and matching tissue paper, etc…
catlady
February 25th, 2010
12:32 pm
Is this that he doesn’t plan ahead, or that he doesn’t plan ahead FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? Different things, in my book.
JATL
February 25th, 2010
12:38 pm
@catlady -it’s really everything. He seems to be completely unable to plan ahead (although he has in the past, so I know he can). The most recent examples are my birthday and Valentine’s Day -although VDay is usually no biggie for me, but his reaction was what got to me.
Married2him, Mommy2them :-)
February 25th, 2010
12:40 pm
Ok, at the end of the day, we all married different people (quite apparent). We married them with their quirks, qualms, and flaws. How does he know if you don’t express your expectations?
playthatfunkymusicwhiteboy
February 25th, 2010
12:49 pm
JATL – why you hatin’ on me? My wife and I have a fantastic relationship, she isn’t shallow and self absorbed like the girl (and again, I’m using girl instead of lady or woman – don’t care how old she is, she is immature) who sent in the “complaint”. I wasn’t referring to my wife, just the too many women I know that are completely clueless to how great they really have it in life.
I’m actually very much on your side in your situation. Your husband sounds just like the complainer, in fact, maybe even worse. How could a true partner be so self absorbed that thoughts of “birthday presents” would cross his mind when your mother is dying.
I can assure you three things, the first if you were my lady you wouldn’t be driving no beat up Dodge, second I can care less about presents or even acknowledgement on my birthday and I would never forget yours, and third if I was single – I’d schedule an appointment with you to disprove your last theory. Just remember, ifyour man can’t get past himself and make you feel like the queen you are – there are guys like me out there (who are single because they left some headcase like the girl complaining) looking for someone who would appreciate it.
cld
February 25th, 2010
12:53 pm
@flwrgrl, I do that today. It’s mostly for my own reference. I have sticky notes inside one of our cabinets. Whenever a family member asks what they can get one of us, I have a go-to list.
penguinmom
February 25th, 2010
1:06 pm
@5!! why don’t you instead ask them to bring a donation to a charity? People feel awkward coming to a birthday party without something unless they know you and your family really well. Give them something they can bring (food items for a local food pantry, something for the humane society, stuffed animals or books to give to a homeless shelter). Pick something that will be meaningful to your child and his interests.
JJ
February 25th, 2010
1:14 pm
9 out of 10 kids want presents for their birthdays, not some donation in their name to a charity.
Let kids be kids while they are still kids. I say pile on the presents for the birthday child!!!!!
penguinmom
February 25th, 2010
1:14 pm
@flwrgirl – I wish we could get my in-laws and extended to stop giving Christmas presents to the kids. I would love to stash away the unopened gift but… the kids open them in front of the family and the whole thing gets taken out of the box and played with right then. I really feel like it is a waste for my kids to get these presents when there are other kids out there getting nothing. Unfortunately, my in-laws get offended easily about presents so I can’t say anything about donating presents instead.
penguinmom
February 25th, 2010
1:24 pm
@JJ – a lot of us just don’t want more stuff in our house. I’m trying to teach my kids to be more content with what they already have. It would be one thing if their rooms weren’t stuffed full of toys as it is. If they started this minute, they wouldn’t be able to finish playing with everything they own for a month.
I think you can still make a birthday very special and not overdo the presents. My 6-year-old had a bouncy party with some of his friends and he had a blast. Got 5 or 6 presents all together but he would still thought it was an awesome birthday.
My kids may be different but what my kids really want on their birthday is to have fun with their friends. They actually are aware that other people are having financial troubles and don’t want to be a burden on anyone.
Jeff
February 25th, 2010
1:26 pm
Seriously, the grown ups on here are saying how important the gifts are (the thought, the planning, the caring, the not-forgetting) but we’re justifying downplaying the presents for a child’s birthday. I guess there’s always the option that I’m the one crazy in the group. Bring on nationalized healthcare so I can get my mental health treatment for free.
Tiger needs me on his PR team
February 25th, 2010
1:29 pm
I was really drawing a blank on this topic until the light bulb went off over my head.
Today’s Marriage umpire “game” has nothing to do with a settling disputes…..unless of course “settling a dispute” is code for “let me tell you about one of symptoms of why I resent my spouse and have some regrets about my marriage….there is more, but I just want to focus on this one today.”
Sug
February 25th, 2010
1:45 pm
I wish we could get my in-laws and extended to stop giving Christmas presents to the kids. I would love to stash away the unopened gift but… the kids open them in front of the family and the whole thing gets taken out of the box and played with right then. I really feel like it is a waste for my kids to get these presents when there are other kids out there getting nothing. Unfortunately, my in-laws get offended easily about presents so I can’t say anything about donating presents….
Penguinmom – WHY? What the heck is wrong with a kid opening a present from a grandparent and actually GASP enjoy playing with it in front of the giver?
Rachel Realist
February 25th, 2010
1:50 pm
Maybe they are buying gifts for other women now?
oneofeach4me
February 25th, 2010
1:55 pm
You do know that multi-tasking interferes with our short term memory right?
Anywho, If it’s anything that envolves the family, I do the research and leg work upfront and then go to him for his input (ESPECIALLY vacations). And we usually make the final decisions together. As for my birthdays, he handles that himself. Some years he does great, and some years he just does what he can. Like I have said to him before, “hell, I would be EXTREMELY grateful to be off Mommy duty for 48 hours!” When the ocassion calls for more than one person it’s just too much for him to think about. No big deal… it’s NOT the end of the world.
I would suggest to these women to REALLY open themselves up. Go to him for his input on family gatherings. As for your bday, it’s okay to drop hints at least 2 weeks in advance to help remind him. Hell, add it to his calendar in his phone that alerts him at least a week ahead. We as people have to remember that you CANNOT change anyone! Just work on changing yourself and everything else will fall inline.
Becky
February 25th, 2010
1:57 pm
The T-shirt making is a great thought..My 2 have birthdays the end of June and they love to garden, so this year we are going to decorate aprons for them to use while in the garden..
5!!!
February 25th, 2010
1:59 pm
Here is the thing about the gifts. At Christmas, my son recieved 19 toys. I counted. He also received several gifts of clothes. He is 6. He doesn’t know several of the people that bought him gifts.
He received 3 remote control cars in this excess. That was 2 months ago and all 3 of the cars are still in the boxes. I suppose I will take 2 of them to goodwill or toys for tots. Maybe all 3.
Of the gifts that he received, he has only played with one, the Wii that I can even remember.
I bought him several books which he has read.
We live in a small house. His room is small. There is no room. We could take things out in order to make room for more, but we would be removing things he doesn’t play with and replacing them with things he won’t play with.
JJ
February 25th, 2010
1:59 pm
Becky, what a great idea, garden aprons. I would really love to meet you. You just sound like someone I could be great friends with!!!!
FCM
February 25th, 2010
2:11 pm
Edward Cullen: “Bella your birth is definitely something to celebrate.”
Yes, he is a fictional, perpetually teenaged vampire, conceived as the fantasy of a SAHM of toddlers. However, in most fiction works, there lay grains of truth.
Women want to be appreciated (why do you think some scream Martyr all the time), they want to be wanted, they want to be chershied and adored.
I cannot tell you what women will do for their SO in return. I know that I am of the treat as you want to be treated variety. I spoil my SO (when I have one). In fact every single one (including the ex) has come back to say “Why did I let you go?” even as he really meant “Why did I take it for granted?”
JATL (you know I luv ya)but I have to ask you…How does he tell you that? Could it be your speaking different Love Languages and so you don’t ‘hear’ it when he tells you those things?
Wayne
February 25th, 2010
2:21 pm
Every time I happen to catch someone’s birthday date, I put it in my calendar, with a week before reminder. When the reminder comes up, I snooze it for a day and I keep doing that until I actually act on it. It helps, but it’s not perfect. I still have to do something. With my wife and I, it’s especially tough as my oldest son’s birthday is our anniversay date. Puts a damper on celebrating our anniversary!
Did you ever hear the one about the wife that got flowers (I think they were roses) every year on her anniversary? Her husband dies and on the very next anniversay, she still got the flowers. Turned out he used a service that sent the flowers for him. I don’t want to get to that point, but boy, is it tempting!
catlady
February 25th, 2010
2:37 pm
JATL, does he manage to make plans to go to a Braves game? Or play golf? Is it EVERYTHING in his life, or only things related to someone besides him?
I’ve know people who were perpetually late, for example, except when it was something they really wanted to do.
flwrgrl
February 25th, 2010
2:39 pm
@Penguinmom–sounds like we have the same in-laws;) My husband’s family insists on having multiple xmas get togethers with the various branches of their side and giving gifts at each party. Now, this is a sacred “tradition” that started when my husband was a wee-child. However, he and his various cousins are now in their forties and have multiple children who we only see once a year and live at least an hour from our home. The matriarchs are retired and plan and shop all year for these events, and won’t hear of any changes, such as just eat together, no gifts or move parties to a more central location. They don’t realize how stressful it is to us with busy families and schedules to have to plan and shop for all these people. My husband started a mini-revolution by threatening to boycott last year, but he caved at the last moment.
This is where my saving the gifts idea started: we would haul all these gifts home in black garbage bags (because they got so many!) and I gradually realized my kids didn’t even peek into these bags, because once they got their Santa presents at home, they could care less what Aunt Jane gave them last week. So I would just take those gifts out of the bags and put into the attic once they went back to school. So maybe if you take a big black bag with you to collect gifts and just stuff them into the bag before they can open them all, you could use my system. Encourage your kids to open one or two gifts fully to play with at the party, then discretely deposit the others in the bag and have hubby put into the car trunk under the guise of “cleaning up”. No one will be the wiser, and you gain back control of the toy monster in your home!
My wife's birthday...
February 25th, 2010
2:43 pm
…and our anniversary date are one in the same – and my birthday is the next day. So, guess who gets the cake every year? After 20+ years of cakes on her birthday and none on mine, I finally spoke up – guess who had a cake last year on my birthday?!?!?!?!?
Becky
February 25th, 2010
3:03 pm
@JJ..My two have been doing “crafts” since they were old enough to hold a pen, paint brush or whatever..She loves to do puzzles, he loves to “fix” things..She is an “artist” (her words)..I have a kit in my car now for them to make cement stepping stones..One year for their birthday, they help their Poppy pick up sticks and branches from the back yard & built a Tee Pee(sp)..
If you live in the area that I think you do, I used to drive out that way every Fri. to pick them up, not anymore..Do you live close to MOG and that area? They lived for 3 years like 2 streets up from the new Braves Field out there..Maybe one day, we can amke plans to meet..
Becky
February 25th, 2010
3:24 pm
@flwrgrl..True story.. I have a niece that is now 40..When she was 5 years old (only child at time) she got so many toys one year for Christmas, that my sister put most of them up in the attic and for her birthday and the next Christmas, she had enough gifts that my sister was able to “give” them out to the rest of the family for us to give as gifts..
FCM
February 25th, 2010
3:30 pm
Becky I was gutting a closet (storage) a few weeks back. A couple of boxes had not been opened since we moved in (May 2008). There was one box that had gifts from Christmas 2007 the girls had gotten that were still new in package. It was not that I would not let them have the toys or anything. They got so many that year form their Dad’s family (I have video) that we had agreed to put some up to be opened later (when the oepned ones lost their luster). I guess I packed them when we moved and we all forgot about them. They of course have them now and are thrilled.