‘The Marriage Umpire:’ Clutter or decoration? You decide!
We’ll have two or three rounds of “The Marriage Umpire” today spread over several blogs. You can still send us your marital problem and we’ll help you solve it. (We actually do this all the time, but we’re officially playing this week as we await the new show “The Marriage Ref” by Jerry Seinfeld on NBC.)
In our first installment, we have a woman who will be wed this FRIDAY! So we need to help her sort out this problem before she heads down the aisle. Here’s what she writes:
“OK so I am not officially married yet… (I will be on Friday) But my husband to be and I just had a HUGE fight last night about decorating. He calls it clutter and I call it decorating. He wants nothing on the counter or table. I like to put candles and items on them. How can we compromise?”
Boy does this sound familiar! I think this is a very common problem among couples – hubby trying to get involved in the decorating. Throw pillows for your bed come to mind as a particular point of dispute for many couples.
When Michael and I first got married he kept vetoing bed spreads. He was killing me. Nothing floral at all. I took back three comforters until finally we settled on a plain white duvet – with eyelet edges. I don’t think he understood that eyelet is pretty girlie.
He also was way too involved in choosing our first cookware. My mother couldn’t believe how many opinions he had on domestic items. She felt like that should be my realm and he should butt out. On the other hand he did have to live there too.
Sixteen years later he’s far more relaxed about commenting on what I bring into the home, but I think we’ve also found some compromise. He’s OK with toile or floral on the pillow shams but not on the bedspread.
So what do you think: Does hubby get to vote about decorating? Are candlesticks and picture frames clutter or do they make a house a home? End their fight now before they head down the aisle.
Tell us what you think about the site
Customer Care »
Vacation stops, manage subscriptions and more
AJC Services
Sections
Other Editions
Visitor Agreement | Privacy Statement
© 2013 The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
71 comments Add your comment
Hey Jesse's Girl...
February 24th, 2010
11:11 am
…me thinks you are blurring the lines with your trying to be funny – DAve made a legitimate point about most guys based on your comment, and now you make lite of it? So, if he drops trow when and where you say, who does the picking up afterwards, since it was you who said when and where? so, quicherbitching…
Jesse's Girl
February 24th, 2010
11:18 am
No…Dave was being a tad persnickety. This entire “umpire” thing is being done with the spirit of taking things a bit more lightly. So get over yourself…..because if you don’t…you’re going to implode when you read mine:)
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
February 24th, 2010
11:20 am
We have up our next category for today — Shopping!!! Are sales saving money or really spending money??? We’ll probably do at least one more if not two today — so keep checking back!
http://blogs.ajc.com/momania/2010/02/24/the-marriage-umpire-sales-saving-money-or-wasting-it-you-decide/
Mrs. Norris
February 24th, 2010
11:20 am
If you marry someone you have a lot in common with, compromise will not be difficult. If you have drastically different ideas about what you think looks good, you probably have incompatible personalities. Opposites may attract but the differences get very tiresome after a while.
DB
February 24th, 2010
11:22 am
My husband seldom ventures an opinion — but then again, I’m not a floral-and-lace kinda girl, except for indulging in real flowers on the hall table that gets a lot of traffic, and a small arrangement on the kitchen table occasionally, if I see something that really grabs me. Frankly, he just doesn’t care — decorating is waaaaay below his radar! He appreciates the finished product, but he couldn’t care less about color schemes, fabrics, etc. However, if he DOES have an opinion, I honor it, because he so seldom has an opinion that if he bothers to mention it, it means something. All he wants out of life is a comfortable recliner, a sofa that is long enough for him to stretch out on, and a king-size bed. He’s pretty low-maintenance! :-)
As far as the candles go — I’d say that if they are something important to one person and “feeds their soul”, then the other person should pick their battles and let it go. If one is clutter-crazy and the other is sterile, then they probably need to agree on areas that are “hers” and “his” — he doesn’t give you grief about the candle on the kitchen counter, and you don’t set out candles in the family room. Compromise!
Spacey
February 24th, 2010
11:30 am
@JJ, We put up valuables and things that could hurt him. He knows not to touch the remotes, electronics, the pet food, etc… Well, he knows, but doesn’t always follow – yet.
Having a great time with him and his exploration. Some kids just don’t explore and others are very curious. My niece doesn’t touch a thing, not because she is trained, but she just doesn’t care. My son wants to go into every room and see what is around and I’m okay with that right now.
My husband and I are working on “One and done” now. One firm No and if he doesn’t stop then he is removed. Not quite big enough for time out.
wmsmommy
February 24th, 2010
11:52 am
Frame the pictures, but put them on the wall. Put candles on the tables, light them up for several nights in a row, and use it as a romantic overture, then he’ll see the benefits of the candles.
Jeff in Roswell
February 24th, 2010
12:14 pm
Neither my wife or myself are big on decorations. We have some, but mostly we are minimalists.
julia
February 24th, 2010
12:43 pm
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything they have…..
street smart
February 24th, 2010
12:44 pm
I’m single and my 1 bedroom loft looks like the proverbial man cave. My gf says i live like a bear with furniture but we dont live together so its really not an issue. Well riight after the new year I woke up, went down stairs, looked around my pad and had what alcoholics call “a moment of clarity”. It was like looking at my place for the 1st time. My place looked like a bad cartoon so I decided right then and there to change everything, but I didnt know what to do. I went on line and googled “interior design” to get some ideas. I think thats a good place for this couple to start. No guy wants any decor made up with pink or floral. I know i wouldnt decorate my crib like that if you held a shotgun on me. I can understand the female point of view that no matter how much of a dog lover they are, no woman wants an eye sore like the picture with the dogs playing poker. Dont try to decorate the new digs all at once, get some ideas online, take your time. Your new home is the sanctuary of both the the king & the queen of the castle, its surroundings should inspire a soothing mood when you get home to forget the monotony of work and the dreadful gridlock that has come to be known as Atl rush hour. It should be something that reflects the compromise that always comes with marriage, so again take it 1 step at a time.
MomsRule
February 24th, 2010
12:49 pm
@Lisa, one can lock up or move the poisonous stuff without baby proofing the entire house.
5!!!
February 24th, 2010
1:08 pm
I have this exact same issue with my wife. I do not like knick knacks, candles, pictures, and other worthless crap cluttering up every surface in the house.
I like tables, counters, and other surfaces to be empty. Thats what clean looks like.
My wife, on the other hand, sees an empty table and decides to start stacking items on it like a Jinga game until if I sneeze things fall to the floor.
If I had my way, everything would be stainless steel and look like an operating room. If she had her way, it’d look like an antique store jammed to the rafters.
So, we compromise. She puts all of her worthless crap on a surface, and then I ask her to remove half of it and make do.
Decorations Sell Houses... and not much else
February 24th, 2010
2:12 pm
My husband wishes I would decorate, and I wish he would decorate… which in turn results in a sterile, white-walled house with no decorations. We’re on our third house together, and it’s the same story every time. Buy house, live there 3-5 years, decide to put house on the market for sale, decorate/stage, enjoy living in decorated house for 4-12 weeks, sell – repeat process. Each time we move we say we should decorate earlier so we can enjoy the environment longer, but it never happens. We’re into year two of our current house and even though we’ve recently had a child, you wouldn’t know it from taking a tour of the house – not a framed photo in sight. Again, it all boils down to me wanting my husband to just do it, and vice versa for him. Of course, one thing we’re both in agreement on – not shelling out for a designer. It’s not that important to either of us. We use our “decorations” money to travel instead. If the candles caused an argument, I’d ditch them.
FCM
February 24th, 2010
2:52 pm
“My husband is paranoid about putting a nail in a wall. The most beautiful room he ever saw was a recovery room.” Erma Bombeck
Dave
February 24th, 2010
3:25 pm
@Jesse’s Girl @11:18 – no, I was not “being a tad persnickety.” I was making a legitimate point – you then chose to get haughty. Just because I know a woman who’s a slut doesn’t mean all women are sluts. Therefore, just because your husband may drop his undies, socks and pants wherever, doesn’t mean most men do.
Generalizations are dangerous and foolish.
fk
February 24th, 2010
6:25 pm
Dave – you’re quite welcome :)
catlady
February 24th, 2010
6:51 pm
” hubby trying to get involved in the decorating.” Well, gee,it’s his house, too. Now, I understand one partner having more sayso on cookware, if one person will be doing all the cooking. You may have certain cookware you prefer as the primary chef. But almost anything else is used by both people, I would think.
motherjanegoose
February 24th, 2010
7:44 pm
O.K. for the record this is one area we have probably never had an argument about.
My husband came from a family where the decorator was perhaps Goodwill or a garage sale.
I am not desgner brand name nor high end conscious. I will usually take him with me for furniture purchases but he is not too concerned. I just like furniture that is sturdy, comfortable, a good value ( not cheap) and practical. I have never been the frilly type. As far as kitchen things….he could care less as long as there is food. I pick out all that stuff myself. Not one of our battles
Kathy S
February 26th, 2010
2:58 am
I told my spouse the muddy-green walls were tacky, but the welfare hotel we lived in wasn’t about to repaint them…and we agreed they were far more pleasing than having to live in the car another night anyway. And our clothes in garbage bags only looked like clutter.
Being able to argue over candle holders is a blessing. Please keep that in mind and have a happy marriage.
Karo @ Aspirant Sutra
February 26th, 2010
3:11 pm
Holy cow this is a contentious post. I definitely reject the idea that any area of a marriage is one person’s domain. It’s a partnership, and in a partnership you get equal votes in everything, so you have to compromise. Both people have to be willing to come to the table and understand what the other person values and is trying to go for, and then work together to find a middle ground. That’s how you make a comfortable home for both people.
My guy and I moved in together understanding we had VERY different aesthetic preferences. He is a collector and likes classic, 1940s style decor. I prefer simple, modern stuff, lots of light and clean lines and clear surfaces. We’re finding ways to solve each design dilemma, but we deal with each other’s wants respectfully and take it one step at a time. If you tell the person your with that what they decorate with is “useless crap” they will not want to listen to anything you have to say.
Magenta
March 2nd, 2010
1:49 pm
That’s what “man-caves” are for. Does the husband spend enormous amounts of time in the front entranceway of the house? Probably not. So let the wife decorate there without a lot of criticism. The dining room might be a different story. If the husband uses the table for work as well as dining, then he might have a valid reason not to want candles, flowers, and other items there. If he spends a lot of time in front of the TV, then let that wall or space be relatively undecorated.
I’m probably in the minority among females, but I’m not really big on frilly, flouncy frou-frou on a bed. When I’m ready to go to bed, I just want to whip the covers back, jump in and get on with sleep or whatever else I might be using the bed for. Pillows are nice, but I put mine on an ottoman in a corner of the room where they don’t have to be transferred back and forth twice a day. Who has time for that?! Especially with little kids! If you want florals, what about wallpaper BEHIND the bed, where your husband won’t be staring at it when he’s there? If you have separate walk-in closets, that’s a great place to display some pictures or keepsakes that your spouse might think are excessive. That’s where all my bumper stickers went during my first marriage (couldn’t put them on the leased car and hubby didn’t like them on general principle).
And as for cookware, it really should be long-lasting, functional and easy to clean – anything beyond that is kind of irrelevant. Tableware might be more of a problem. But in general, the plainer patterns stand the test of time. My sister-in-law left me some cake on one of her plates, which featured a cow and a rooster re-enacting “Romeo & Juliet.” No, I’m not joking. I take that plate out once a month or so, if I run out of my others, and even with that, if it ever broke, I wouldn’t miss it. It’s tacky and dated-looking, and I have a feeling she’s tired of it too. If you have the kind of money where you can change patterns every few years, great, but most people don’t.