‘The Marriage Umpire:” Burping and farting at dinner!
This is our third round of “The Marriage Umpire” today. You send us your marital problem and we’ll help you solve it. (We actually do this all the time but we’re officially playing this week as we await the new show “The Marriage Ref” by Jerry Seinfeld on NBC.)
This problem is NOT anonymous. I have permission to use names on this one. This comes from our very own Jesse’s Girl and is all about the expectation versus the reality of family dinners. Here’s what she writes (always so colorfully! – the crux of the argument is in bold):
“OK….so I know that there’s a huge push for the “Family Dinner Table.” Well at our house…that’s a load of horse crap. Try as I might…it never works for us. With Jesse’s travel schedule, we only get 2 dinners a week as a family. Usually on the weekends. You would think I would have learned my lesson long ago…but apparently, I am wwaayy dumber than I ever thought possible. Here’s a typical Jesse’s Girl family dinner. (and it should be mentioned…pointedly so…that I HATE when it plays out like this. Jesse thinks it’s just “so funny and cute.” Hence the need for the umpire:)
JG: has been lovingly preparing everyone’s faves for dinner…with an apron on no less! The girls may get mac n cheese, mashed taters….their fave comfort foods. The Boy may get spicy chicken wings….its really funny to see him navigate through all the sauce. And I will typically make Jesse a steak…perfectly grilled and pink in all the right places…cause I love him:)
The girls: My 13 and 11 year old daughters will begin setting the table…keeping the nit-picking down to a minimum because they know…Hey, mom is really knockin herself out here. They squabble a bit about where everyone is sitting. But I just let it go because I know after living with these lovely..albeit predictable…creatures for so long that they will end up exactly where they always are. Pick your battles right?
The Boy: The Boy is never around when dinner is being prepared. Why? Because I may kill him….no..he literally may be killed. He sneaks up behind me with any number of noisy toys and tries to scare me. I am petrified that I will swing a greasy spatula around one day and scar him so bad he’ll look like the Phantom of the Opera! So he’s been banned.
Jesse: My sweet husband. He is very likely watching some sports show…although it could just as easily be The Military or History Channel. But he calls out to me every so often….”Babe….is there anything I can do?” To which I reply….”No honey…you just sit right there”. (I am not being bitchy yet….I really want him to sit. I could kill him in the kitchen too. He likes to goose me. It’s dangerous to goose a woman while she’s cookin’.)
Now we are all at the table. The blessing has been said. And so….it begins. The Boy will burp…loudly. Then the oldest…GIRL mind you…finds it appalling that her baby brother is catching up to her uncanny and nauseating ability to sound as if she is a 400 lb man moving furniture. So she burps even louder. All 3 children are laughing so wildly at this point that if I didn’t know what was being served for dinner already…I would have my answer by seeing the gaping holes in their heads where their closed mouths used to be! I say something about manners in my most stern voice and for a couple of minutes all is quiet on the western front. Then Jesse will compliment my culinary abilities…and do something sweet like lean over and kiss my hand or forehead. I think…”Hey! Maybe we’ll make it through this dinner without the farting!” But no….my hopes are dashed. Jesse has decided that it’s time for the Orifice Orchestra to go on! Wonderful…perfection! I sit at my table where I am treated to some lovely pieces of music….FOR FARM ANIMALS!!! Jesse burps and farts…the kids burp and fart…telling stories from their week in between the sounds of fatherly bonding.
They think it’s great! They love their daddy so much and think he’s awesome for being so cool. And he does threaten their lives if they even think of doing this outside the confines of our home. But I want one…just ONE… family dinner that does not involve belching and tooting. And people wonder why wine gives me such pleasure……”
Again I think a fairly common issue – kids (and sometimes husbands) get silly and out of hand at dinner. We rarely if ever are lucky enough to have Michael at the dinner table with us. Mine tend to get silly and giggly and just out of control laughing. A little fun is great at the dinner table but not when they are out of control.
OK so should Mr. Jesse be perfuming the air and encouraging the kids to do the same? How can family dinners be reigned in so they are fun but not out of control?
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85 comments Add your comment
julia
February 25th, 2010
8:51 am
well when they do blow their nose they really should leave TO WASH THEIR HANDS
julia
February 25th, 2010
8:56 am
JG, if it does get on your nerves grow a set of balls and make them stop.. this is one of those times to set a boundary.. that will not damage the precious children, this is nasty gross vile and just plain rude but if you want it in your house and then when it happens in public or at some one else’s house… dont let it bite you on the hiney
This has NOTHING to do with coming from a stuffy home.. hell why dont yall just sit at the table in your under ware??
Lisa
February 25th, 2010
9:01 am
JG – do you want your kids to continue like that the rest of their lives? Grow up, take charge of your family, quit your b1tching and do your job as a parent.
Jesse's Girl
February 25th, 2010
9:03 am
Just this morning I had my coffee in my bra and panties:)
julia
February 25th, 2010
9:06 am
Lets just fast forward 20 years, JG’s kids are newly married with a toddler, her “child” lets one rip at the dinner table… other spouse looks at said “child” with WTF written all over their face saying.. YOU ARE A PIG and I wont allow it…. Now the said “child” gets a dumbfounded look on their face saying. well my mom and dad let us do it…
Jesse's Girl
February 25th, 2010
9:11 am
Look at you…worrying over the future of my family. So sweet…
julia
February 25th, 2010
9:15 am
not at all but I feel sorry for your children’s spouses
Jeff in Roswell
February 25th, 2010
9:17 am
People are forgetting, that we are not robots. We are human, all have faults. We teach are children boundaries. Letting a child burp and fart at home, does not mean we want them to do it other places.
I’m in continual contact with my son’s teacher at school – almost daily. He is a very well behaved boy that does not burp or fart in class. He is respectful of others and their feelings. My wife and I have taught him that and we will continue. There is a time and place for everything. Some have feelings that they don’t want it at the dinner table and some feel it’s okay. There is no “right” answer. When we do it at home, we are not forcing our noises or odors on anyone else.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but this is not a daily occurrence in my home, so I’m not at all worried about it.
julia
February 25th, 2010
9:23 am
Good God, every one pees, every one poos, every one sneezes, every one poots, every one burps…
There is a DOOR IN THE BATHROOM, shut it – I dont want to see it, hear it OR SMELL it!
My grand mother on my dads side of the family would just let em rip and then wondered why the grand kids stayed away from her and called her FART Nanny!! its just CAN YOU PEOPLE just not be sensitive to the ones around you or do you have to be so self absorbed and GROSS
Jeff in Roswell
February 25th, 2010
9:25 am
Julia, I take it you have NEVER let some gas fly EVER in front of someone else?
julia
February 25th, 2010
9:27 am
yea i have and I turn red and say Im sorry… I dont do it to sing out the freaking ABC’s
Jeff in Roswell
February 25th, 2010
9:33 am
I am very disappointed… *nodding head in dismay*. I thought you were above all that. You should do that behind closed doors.
julia
February 25th, 2010
9:36 am
Jeff shart happens.. but to do it for amusement will not be tolerated…. not sure what barn you were raised in and really dont care
FCM
February 25th, 2010
9:42 am
@ Jeff in Roswell ” family that dinners in the evening were one of the most uncomfortable things of my childhood.” That is what I meant when I said I have few good memories. Dinner was a major ordeal and just not pleasant. In fact unless it is a holiday dinner (Thanksgiving etc) I don’t go to my folks for dinner in anymore, it took 6 weeks then my eldest child noticed I wouldn’t eat at Grandmas.
i just don’t think dinner is the place for power struggles etc. Especailly raising 2 daughters who are body image concious already. For instance my youngest daughter (at my parents) was told (by me) to eat her broccoli. At my house I only make her eat the “tree tops” not the long stalks. So she was eating the tops (politely by cutting them. My Dad told her “eat it all” and she said something like “I don’t like the other part” (it is bitter). He looked at me and I said “I am fine with just the tops”. Then he lays into me for 1–not backing him up 2–not making her eat them at my house too 3–not teaching them right period. WTH? That was the last dinner I had at the house. I see no reason to do be crazy, in the end it is food. I have pleanty of other pleasant memories involving meals (my grandmothers, picnics, cook outs, lake side trips) that do and do not involve my parents. The pleasant are all surrounded by a “casual” attitude, even the fine dining ones.
DB
February 25th, 2010
9:53 am
I always find it amusing when people automatically equate “manners” with “stuffy”. Manners are not stuffy — manners are what makes interactions between people run smoothly. Kids with good manners have been taught that it is NOT all about them — good manners give the other person respect and consideration. And kids with good manners have a certain confidence that comes with being able to do the right thing to do in almost any given social situation.
Jeff, I’m sorry your dinners growing up were a misery, but that is NOT because of “manners.” It’s because of your parents. Parents must have manners, too — yelling at your kids because of a slip in manners is NOT good manners on the parent’s part! Parents model good manners in all their interactions with their children. Manners are not just for special occasions or for impressing strangers. The word “discipline” means “to teach”, and with parents, that’s a constant process.
In high school, my daughter told me that she loved our family dinners, and that some of her friends thought it was “weird” because in their house, they treated dinner as an individual buffet, taking it to eat in front of the TV, or in their room, etc. (These were the same kids whose parents stopped fixing them breakfast in middle school, and then bemoaned their eating habits.) However, I noticed that every single one of her friends loved to eat dinner at our house — especially on weekends, we almost always had at least one friend, if not more, who managed to show up at dinner time. One of them told me they loved eating at my house, because it was “fun”.
JG, it’s not a choice between “miserable dinners” and “fun, happy dinners”. It’s a very simple issue: “STOP BURPING AT THE DINNER TABLE!” Instilling just a tiny bit of discipline in this issue won’t ruin their happiness (and may even increase it, in future years!), and will make YOUR life so much more pleasant. My question to you is: Why do you think YOU don’t deserve to enjoy your dinner, too? Why is it a choice between “oppressing” your adorable little heathens and a blissfully fart-free dinner? You have apparently made it clear that it bothers you — why don’t the good manners that you insist that they have prevent them from bothering YOU? Especially — dare I say it — Jesse?
julia
February 25th, 2010
9:54 am
FCM, the boy when he was a todder was not in the clean your plate club but we would do a thing…he would eat a few bites an say I dont want any more so I would pull up his shirt and thump his belly like a melon.. some times it would be full enough to pop and then other times I would tickle him and say.. oh there is a spot for another bite over here…. We have good memories at the table even when he was small, it was just we taught him manners at the table.
I invited a “date” over one sunday after church for supper… he and the boy started acting a fool at the table and after the 3rd time I asked please stop, I made the boy to go to his room and told the date… I am not sure how you raised your child or how you act at the table, but if you want to see my head spin around.. keep this up and you will be out the door!
Becky
February 25th, 2010
9:55 am
@FCM..I’m with you, on the food eating..I tell my two that you should try it, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it..They will try anything..The girl found out last week that she like feta cheese..Go figure..Most 7 year olds don’t..
@Jeff in Roswell..Amen..Pick your battles..My two act up at my house and sometimes at the dinner table, no problem..They know how to behave when we are out somewhere..People are always telling me how good they are..At 7, I never have to worry about the boy saying thank you, please or your welcome..
@JG..Just keep enjoying your family..
julia
February 25th, 2010
9:57 am
DB I love you!!
julia
February 25th, 2010
10:00 am
I think its stuff like this that is the reason we have that train wreck of a show “The Nanny”… just sayin!
Jeff in Roswell
February 25th, 2010
10:33 am
Theresa, if possible, could you release my last post? Maybe, I’ve posted too much on this subject.
Thanks.
Jeff in Roswell
February 25th, 2010
10:40 am
@Becky my 5 year old eats sushi. His favorite is roe – the large ones! He picks up each individual fish egg with his chopsticks, dips it in soy and pops it into his mouth. Like your kids, he tries most everything.
Michelle
February 25th, 2010
11:09 am
JG, we don’t allow the burping/farting, etc. but BOY OH BOY you should hear some of the conversations that come up with the teenaged boys! :o) I am totally outnumbered by the testosterone!
I’m not sure who said it up there, but you deserve to have a meal like you would like as well! Why can’t they “save it all up” and do it after dinner during clean up?! LOL!
Michelle
February 25th, 2010
11:10 am
Oh…I would MUCH rather hear a burp/fart at the table than have someone blowing their nose or picking at their teeth! **gagging**
Becky
February 25th, 2010
11:38 am
@Jeff in Roswell..We’ve tried that also..Well, not what some would call real sushi..I was at Publix once, they saw it and wanted to try it, so I bought it..I don’t even remember the exact kind it was..She liked it more than he did..I haven’t actually taken them to a sushi restaurant to try some yet..
Kris
February 25th, 2010
11:56 am
Jeff @ 4:50 – your comment made me shiver – LOL! I
remember a few incidents like that from long ago – nice!!
HB
February 25th, 2010
12:27 pm
Amen, DB! My family’s dinners have never been stuffy (no “seen and not heard” rule at my mom’s table), and dinner with “my boys” as a sitter were always fun and highly entertaining. They’d tell me stories about what happened at school, tell knock-knock jokes, and ask me off-the-wall questions. And we smiled and giggled and laughed without getting loud or being gross. There’s a huge middle ground between miserably formal and downright disgusting.
julia
February 25th, 2010
1:03 pm
ok on the subject of lets kill mom from a heart attack. Dear child of mine thought it was funny as crap to jump out of his bedroom yelling SQUAB at me… ok the first time he scared the shart out of me.. I laughed but told him very kindly to dont to it again.
Yes he is hard headed and sometimes hard of hearing….. When you really have a “chest” pain and you can “feel” your heart skip a beat its not funny any more. I kept telling him please stop.
I finally had enough one day and got him back. I went walking past his room jumped in there yelling SQUAB back at him. He flew off the bed, slammed the door in my face and would not come out. After he gained his composure, he stomps out saying DONT ever do that again. I just looked at him, did you feel it in your “heart”… He looked at me funny and I said That is what I feel every time you do it and it really is a painful hurt.
Finally he as stopped doing this out of enjoyment once I finally about threw the laptop at him.
Scott
February 25th, 2010
3:25 pm
Michele, I am with you on that, what is really annoying is when you are out in public and your meal arrives and someone at the next table is SO RUDE they need to blow.
Denise
February 25th, 2010
5:00 pm
My 2 year old niece said “Tee Tee, Daddy fart” so clearly we are not “stuffy” about bodily functions. I will say, though, that farting at the table is out of order. You just say “excuse me” and keep it moving. Sometimes we do get to laughing when someone burps, esp. if it’s a “good one”, but it’s not like we every had burping contests at the table. Away from the table, though, is anybody’s game.
Bubba
February 26th, 2010
7:29 am
Sounds like yous havin fun in yar trailer thar Denise.
J
February 26th, 2010
11:44 am
It really sounds like your family is just having fun together at Dinner. As long as everyone know that when guest are over or you are out to eat that the behavior is not allowed why does it matter at the dinner table at home? Some families instead of laughing and enjoying each other are instead eating in anger/silence or worse outright yelling at each other. Embrace that your family sits together and that everyone enjoys being there. Some of you probably car about elbows on the table too, which is such a waste of time. Family Dinner is about togetherness and enjoyment, its not following some stupid 1900s decorum that has no place in the new millennium.
Denise
February 26th, 2010
2:19 pm
@Bubba – nope, no trailer. I’m not your neighbor. (smile) Yeah, sometimes we aren’t that classy but it’s all in fun and in PRIVATE so we go for it sometimes. :-)
DB
February 26th, 2010
6:38 pm
@J: “its not following some stupid 1900s decorum that has no place in the new millennium.”
(wistfully) I dunno, I never thought manners were “stupid”. But I’m afraid you’re right — they definitely seem to be in short supply in the “new millennium.” I just don’t understand why the lowest common denominator is automatically “togetherness and enjoyment.” Because, honestly — JG is NOT enjoying it — otherwise, she wouldn’t have posted.
motherjanegoose
February 28th, 2010
8:27 am
Finally have a moment to catch my breath.
Our family is not always the model of appropriate manners. I do try to instill most important things, which I have observed from being out and about.
I grew up in a home with some manners but my parents were by no means stuffy. My husband’s family would be in the burp and fart mode…they still laugh wildly anytime anyone farts and this annoys me as I think it draws attention to the issue. Yes, it happens but a small “excuse me” and move along ( to me) is in order.
My husband’s grandpa would unfasten his belt and unzip his pants top ( at the table) if he had eaten too much. This was perfectly acceptable, at his house. Using toothpicks or dental floss ( at the table) was common in my house, growing up…..yuck.
I find that most folks get numb to what is going on regularly in their own world and consider it just fine…even me, with the clutter I have on the counter sometimes. I have looked at it for so long that it is part of the kitchen.
If a family is constantly late, there are two camps:
“Oh, they are always late…get used to it…”
“Why can’t they get with the program and be on time?”
Bottom line, they are infringing on others ( who are on time) and do not seem to care.
( same as burping and farting)
I know folks do not always care about others but if it is upsetting enough to JG, then it seems like it is a problem. Why even mention it if it is no big deal? I dunno….
I am not the epitome of manners but I try to model appropriate behavior to my family and the children with whom I work. ADULTS are responsible for passing manners along….some adults and not ADULTS and I see them each week…LOL.
Lisa
March 1st, 2010
1:45 pm
“following some stupid 1900s decorum” – yeah, like manners should be stopped. J is one of those people when driving will cut you off, stop to turn right in front of you without a blinker and flip you off if you toot.
Manners are what keeps us civilized. Obviously J is an idiot.