Do you try for one more just to get a girl (or boy)?

One of our community members sent me a note this week. She’s in a quandary and wanted to get some opinions. She’s pregnant with her second child and is already thinking about a third. Here’s why in her own words:

“ I’m expecting my second child in May. Another boy.

My husband and I always said we would just have 2 children and be happy that they are healthy.

BUT, I’m finding myself overwhelmed with a desire to have a girl. Not that I’m delusional and think that having another child will get me a female, but I’m surprised at how much I want to try.

I’m also feeling pretty guilty about it and trying to be excited about my two boys.  I’ve heard 3-4 is so much harder than 2.

Should we stop because we agreed on two in the beginning?  We can afford it and my husband would probably do it if I said I wanted to try again.

Is it worth it?  Why do I feel like our family is not complete until we get that girl?

I’ll admit how selfish this sounds and I’m sure some of your bloggers will blast me for it.

I’m hoping that the rest might give me some perspective. I’m thrilled to have two healthy children, I just wonder if we should try again.”

I’m fascinated by this question because it’s not about feeling done and wanting a larger family. It’s about wanting a certain sex that you haven’t had yet.  You see families all the time with four or five boys and then finally a little girl.

I definitely did not feel done after my second but I also had a boy and girl. So my feeling was more about wanting more kids not a certain sex.

What have you guys experienced? Would you have more kids just to get the sex of a child you desire? Did you have any issues with the other kids knowing you were trying for the opposite sex? Is it just as valid to want a boy or a girl as it is to want more kids in general? What is your advice for this mom? Is it worth going for a third to get a baby girl? Do you think her pregnancy hormones are playing with her head or will she feel the same after she gives birth to her second?

I posted last night a blog linking to a Q&A on crib safety. If you have questions about the massive crib recall please check out the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s Q&A about crib safety. They have photos to help explain the problems with the cribs and the new requirements for cribs.

P.S. My little guy has a high fever so I’ll be in and out on the conversation today while I take care of him.

130 comments Add your comment


February 19th, 2010
6:19 am

One of each for me and TOO old to even this about another…y’all have fun today!


February 19th, 2010
6:20 am

“think” ‘too early for me too! There was this thing called a basal thermometer…do folks still use one?


February 19th, 2010
6:36 am

Oh helllllllllllllllll no. LOL I have two girls, NEVER wanted a boy. Heck even these 2 were unexpected (thanks Mom!). Think of it like this… dad wanted ONE boy….SIX girls later he finally gave up. Unless you use genetic engineering (sort the swimmers out), it is all luck of the draw! Two are plenty, as in plenty expensive and plenty time consuming!


February 19th, 2010
6:53 am

I have one child, a boy. I always intended to have 2 or 3. My husband, originally, was sort of opinionless about the number. His only opinion was “Not Yet”.

That was 9 years ago, while we were both still in school (why did we get married in college? can someone tell me what the hurry was? not sex, lol!).

Fast forward 3.5 years and lo-and-behold, I got Knocked Up! And we were still in school (graduate school by then).

So we had a boy. And we still had lots of school and no money ahead of us. So, we were in agreement that a second child would have to wait until we both were out of school and had jobs.

But that milestone was reached nearly 4 years ago. And my husband has repeatedly said he’s fine with just one child.

And now that I am 35, I just don’t think I want to be pregnant and “of advanced maternal age” with it’s higher risks (I know they’re still low even though they’re higher than the first time round).

Not only that, but it’s been 9 years. My kid makes his own lunch, his own breakfast, gets himself in the shower without being asked, doesn’t put strange things that might choke him in his mouth. He’s fun to talk to and hang out with.

And I’ve moved far away from a woman who’s put aside independence and other things to care for a baby. I’m now the mother of a 9 year old. I can leave him the house alone while I go for a 30 minute jog in the neighborhood. I am now able to have a career that involves international travel (as I write this I am in Angola until the end of the month).

And everything I just wrote applies, in some form or another, to my husband.

So, for us, no more kids. Maybe we’ll change our minds. But if we do, the baby-making kiosk is permantly closed. I’m not getting Knocked Up again. We’ll adopt.

But I don’t know if we’ll change our minds. Afterall, when our son is 20, we’ll be in our mid-40s. Still in our prime yet with a somewhat grown child we can enjoy it with. I’m kinda digging that.


February 19th, 2010
7:10 am

If she goes for that third child – and it’s another boy, the disappointment she’s going to have “in him,” just isn’t right.

You don’t have children just because you want this or that. You have a child (either sex) to love to help nurture.

Don’t do it.


February 19th, 2010
7:11 am

I think it is very sad that she is still pregnant with number 2 and seems to reject him in favor of a CHANCE to have a girl. What if it were another boy? Try again? Abort? I think this lady truly needs to see a counselor to come to terms with this second “disappointment” baby. JMHO.


February 19th, 2010
7:17 am

There are few certainties in life, and like other posters have said if this lady has a 3rd boy, who knows how it will affect her emotionally. I never understood why so many people are obsessed with having “one of each.” With so many fertility issues these days, why not just be thankful for the child or children you have regardless of their gender?


February 19th, 2010
7:28 am

This topic is a sore spot with me. I think that anyone who only wants one of each and thinks that is the only thing that will make them happy are selfish and slightly nuts. Are they collecting children and will only have a complete collection when they have at least one of each? And if they really, really want a girl (or a boy, whatever the case) they need to take a hard look at those reasons and resolve those issues before inflicting them on an innocent child. Your little girl may end up not liking dolls and dresses, and your little boy may end up not having children and not carry on your family name anyway (or whatever the reason). As for selfish…

I have two of the same gender (it doesn’t matter which), and am very happy with that. I used to be like everyone else and thought that having a girl and a boy would be perfect. But when I found out the gender of my second, I started talking to people (only the truly honest ones, not the ones who think life is good even if they have 3 eyeballs. Okay, maybe they’re honest also, but you know what I mean).and asking them how it was with their kids. It was overwhelming: the ones with kids of the same gender said that their kids were great friends and got along well and their house was the place to come play, while the people with boys and girls said that theirs never hung out with each other (past toddlerhood) and their kids are always asking to go to someone elses house to play. Granted there are exceptions, but I will concur and say that mine play great together and although they have different interests (i.e. one is more into building and the other likes art), they are always able to find something that they both like. My one friend, who has four boys and always wanted a girl to share her love of dolls with, is now very happy with the way things have turned out because she sees how well her boys bonded. She realizes that she can collect dolls on her own or do girly things with her friends; she is not limited by her children’s gender.

Oh, and there’s always the story of the family who had 3 boys and wanted to try “just one more time” for a girl. They ended up getting pregnant with triplets. All boys. So then they had 6 boys under the age of 7. True story.


February 19th, 2010
7:31 am

Wow, Jane, Catlady, A……..thank you for verbalizing my thoughts exactly.

Don’t do it. Your motivations are wrong.


February 19th, 2010
7:32 am

I believe this is a topic I have some expertise in. When I found out I was pregnant w/ boy #2, I was so sad. I just knew it would be a girl…and I was sad for several days…until I found out a friend had a stillborn child. I was sulking about a healthy child and her baby had died. Low and behold #2 shows up, totally different than #1…to this day (they are 22 and 20) the only similarity is the gender. Several years later the hubs and I decided our fam wasn’t finished, and we’d have a 3rd. We bought the book by Dr. Shettles on gender selection…followed it to the letter. Brought the other two for the ultrasound. Number 3 was so clearly a boy, the hubs called it before the tech. I was devastated. I sobbed and sobbed. I grieved the loss of having the mother/daughter relationship. Everyone gave me trite advice like “he’ll probably be something really special.” BAH!! Who wants to hear that???? When he got here he was a horrible sleeper, and then turned into a monster of a toddler. One day he woke up and he was good. Has been good ever since. Know what else? He IS wonderful and special. Has the most amazing heart, is sensitive, caring, etc…No one loves the mama like a son. It’s an awesome, overwhelming love. I am truly blessed. When people asked me, “Are you going to try again?” I had to be snarky and say, “Try implies I failed. Are you saying I failed?” While I don’t have a daughter, I have three of the most amazing boys walking around this planet. While I think many women crave that mom/daughter relationship, the fact is we don’t all get it.I have plenty of friends who have daughters who think they are stupid idiots and won’t realize how smart mom is for several more years. Boys aren’t like that…it’s all good. I don’t think they will “leave me” one day, as we are very close. Recently #1 brought the “special girl” by for my approval. She is indeed a lucky girl to get my son.
While I always thought I”d be a girl scout cookie mom, life isn’t always what we plan…and I am thankful for that. I wouldn’t trade a second of cub scouts, baseball games, tennis matches, swim meets, band concerts. It’s been great having these three young men grow up under my watch; only regret is that the time went too fast.


February 19th, 2010
7:33 am

Now that you mention it, I had a relative that had twin girls, then a single girld and dad wanted to try for a boy. You guessed it, twin girls again. Five girls (plus the mom) in the house. Poor guy.


February 19th, 2010
7:36 am

For the record, I did want one of each and that is what I got. For a while, we thought we were having another boy and I was absolutely fine with that as the two brothers would be able to play together on more levels. We ended up with a sister.

Same sex siblings may tend to be closer. I have 2 sisters ( no brothers) and am close to the youngest but not so much the middle sister.

As you know…I love my children dearly and am proud of the MOST of the time…..LOL!
Welcoming a new little person into the world is an awesome an humbling experience.


February 19th, 2010
7:54 am

This “community member” (as Theresa put it) isn’t interested in hearing our thoughts and opinions. She only wants to read the affirmation that she’s doing the right thing.

She admits how selfish it sounds and knows that some of the bloggers will blast her for it and is hoping “the rest” will give her some perspective.

In other words – those people against it are not the ones who will give her perspective – only those who support her decision will.

Theresa, you’ve been used and duped.


February 19th, 2010
7:58 am

@ Lisa, I thought the same thing. Seems like she’s going to immediately ignore those that “bash” her. And by bash, she means point out the selfish nature and stupidity of her reasoning.


February 19th, 2010
8:02 am

Well, if she does have a third child – it will be feminine.

Either it’ll be a girl or if it’s a boy there’s a good chance it’ll be gay. Hold your horses and read this out: Statistically speaking, in a 3 child family where all 3 children are boys, the third child has a good probability of being gay. Don’t argue, it’s a fact. Don’t know why, maybe because by then the mother treats the child as her daughter, who knows. But – that third boy is quite often gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

February 19th, 2010
8:03 am

I’ve written back and forth a little with this mom and she definitely loves the son she has and the one she is pregnant with. She does appreciate them and is excited about them. She just has a nagging feeling about a girl.


February 19th, 2010
8:05 am

Wow, this one really hits me, even though my baby girl will be 21 tomorrow. Her sister will be 25 in two weeks, and we are so thankful to have both of them. Our first child was still born, (also a girl), and I had 37 prenatal visits with the 25 year old, and 35 with the 21 year old. To quote my husband when our OB asked us if we wanted to know if the 21 year old was a boy or a girl, “I could care less what’s between it’s legs, you just tell me that it has all it’s parts, and they are working properly”. When the 21 year old was born, our OB looked over at me and said, “lets not do this anymore” because we were taking a chance of having one that all the parts didn’t work.

Today, we are so proud of them, and we thank the good Lord every night that He allowed us to have them. God gives them to you for a reason, and this woman needs to realize that He is giving her the privilidge to raise two boys. Who knows, she may be the mom of the next Billy Graham!

Oh, and a side note, my husband is the middle of three boys. His youngest brother has told his mom that he was the child they didn’t want, that they wanted a girl instead of him. And he is 45 years old!


February 19th, 2010
8:07 am

“I feel like our family is not complete until we get that girl”…. This is disgusting narcissism. It’s all about ME, baby! Be thankful for ten fingers and ten toes and a healthy baby you fool.


February 19th, 2010
8:10 am

This is such a close to home topic. I have two sons whom I love dearly, but as a lot of moms do, I really wanted a daughter too.

As it is, two is PLENTY for us in terms of money, time, energy, resources, etc. However at some point, I was really thinking about it. Then one of my best friends (who also had 2 boys) got pregnant for the 3rd time…with another boy. That did it for me and the factory is now closed in every sense of the word.

But I do still feel a twinge now and then. Most of the time, I don’t mind being the only girl in the household, but every so often it gets…i guess lonely is the word. In a world of cars, trucks, sports, bugs, and pants I long to scream “we are having a PINK TEA PARTY dang it!!”

I was talking to a dad at a school function recently who has 3 daughters. He feels the same way! Sometimes he just wants to throw ball!

I think we should be content with happy, healthy children.

Lady Strange

February 19th, 2010
8:15 am

If they really want a girl that badly, why not adopt a girl?


February 19th, 2010
8:20 am

I am on the wrong side of this issue! My first was a son and when I found out I was pregnant with #2, I wanted another son. Never had any desire to have a girl. Lo and behold – I had a girl. Of course, now I regret my absolute narcissism (sp?). My daughter is such a delight! I love the mother/daughter stuff we do. I love the Barbies, playing dress up, and I now love doing her hair (after I took lessons to learn how to do it).

The lady that posed the question really should not try again. She knows her motives are wrong, she knows her thoughts are totally selfish. But I would bet my paycheck, she will give it one more try – what a sad state of affairs.


February 19th, 2010
8:21 am

“Why do I feel like our family is not complete until we get that girl?”

Thats a question that should be answered. It may take years of therapy, but it needs to be answered for the sake of the family. If the mother is feeling incomplete, it can defintely take its subtle tolls on everyone else.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

February 19th, 2010
8:22 am

My grandmother had 6 boys!!!! I think it was more because they were Catholic and weren’t using birth control than trying for a girl — but I’m sure she would have loved it if they had got one. Can you imagine six boys!!!!! I think when she got all her daughter-in-laws she got her girls — also we had a lot of girl grandbabies — which I think she loved that too.


February 19th, 2010
8:23 am

She says: “Why do I feel like our family is not complete until we get that girl?”

Wow, I’m sure your sons will appreciate that thought.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

February 19th, 2010
8:24 am

In her defense — I definitely did not feel complete with two kids — we just didn’t happen to care about the sex — we knew we wanted another child. After the third I feel like my hands are full and I do full like we are where we are supposed to be. I have a friend thinking about afourth and that just seems unimaginable to me. but she was No. 4 in her family and what if her mom didn’t have her — by the way all four are girls!!!


February 19th, 2010
8:24 am

so close to my heart. i have 2 boys… my sister (only sibling i have) has 2 boys. everybody around me has boys. we always wanted only girls and ended up with 2 boys. my husband didn’t even want to try for a second one because he knew we’d end up having another boy.

back to the topic… don’t want to have a 3rd child. i cannot be pregnant and taking care of little kids. i’m done. we’ve been thinking of adopting. somebody asked my husband yesterday if we’d adopt from haiti (i saw your post on that Theresa). we really NEED a girl to straighten all of us up. having said that, we love our boys. they are fun even though they are trouble. i would say that our family is complete even with two boys.. don’t need one kid of each sex to be complete.


February 19th, 2010
8:24 am

@Momma……your comments are ignorant and disturbing.
Where did you find these facts and statistics? Do you have first hand knowledge of this? Where did you read these so-called facts? I would love to see them in writing (from credible sources). And what if the child is feminine or gay? Are you implying that there will be something wrong with him or that it would make her love him less because he would be different than her other boys? And why would the mother treat the child like a girl???

Suzy Q

February 19th, 2010
8:30 am

Something to remember if you are only blessed with boys, is that if you raise them well, you may have daughter-in-laws to love one day. You won’t be dressing them up in frilly dresses, but you may still know the joy of a mother-daugher relationship. Something to think about.


February 19th, 2010
8:30 am

I was so convinced that my first child was a girl that I never even picked out a boy name. We didn’t find out, but I was right! I must admit that initially I would’ve been disappointed to have a boy, but I surely would’ve gotten over it. When I got pregnant again, I wanted a boy. Got my wish yet again! I love having one of each, but if I’d had another girl, I think I may have considered trying for that boy a third time. I can’t say for sure though.

My uncle really wanted a boy. It took 4 kids, but he got his girl. My cousin wanted a girl. They had 3 and gave up! It never happened. I personally can’t imagine not wanting a girl. I love BEING a girl! It just seems natural to want a daughter. Love my son to death. We’re very close.

I think it’s completely natural to want a certain sex. I won’t say if she should or shouldn’t try. I’ll say that she should be more concerned with the health of her baby. That’s the number one concern. Everything else is just the cherry on top!


February 19th, 2010
8:32 am

I’m glad I only had one child. We are close, she’s wonderful, and we are both very happy.


February 19th, 2010
8:39 am

I think everyone is being harsh. She cannot help how she feels about this. Obviously, some of you are men. You have never been pregnant. She knows she sounds selfish, but she is not alone in her thoughts. Many women go through the same thing. I would go so far as to say that what she is feeling is completely NORMAL.

I had planned on having three children. After having two girls, I found myself hoping and hoping and hoping that the last one was a boy. I think that if I had a girl, that would not have changed my wanting three children. I never knew I cared so much about having a boy until I was pregnant. I wonder know, though, if my last had not been a boy, would I be experiencing those feelings of my family not being complete?

It is so easy to judge and look at thinks from a practical standpoint. This is not about logic or practicality. This is simply an emotional thing that a lot of women go through. I don’t know if men get that same “family complete/not complete” feeling that women get. Every single one of my friends with children has had that feeling, and for some of them, it definitely had something to do with the gender of their children.

So, to answer the questions, only you can decide if it is “worth it.” A lot of people say that will have X amount of children but change their minds. Do you want three children? Does your husband? How do you think you will feel if you have another boy? Jeff says, “Don’t do it. Your motivations are wrong.” He has a point. I think you really need to examine your motivations before you decide. Like I said, what if it is not a girl? What if you have a girl and she is not “girly” in any way? Will your family feel complete? Hard to know ahead of time…


February 19th, 2010
8:44 am

@Kathy – hold your vile and nasty comments. I was just stating fact. Secondly, you stated that I’m implying there’d be something wrong about a gay child – RE-READ MY POST, duh. I specifically said: “not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Get over yourself.

People get upset when you point out facts they don’t like. You’re the “ignorant” one, disputing facts just because you don’t like them. I’m not going to do your research for you – you disagree, you look it up. I was just pointing out a truth, but you can’t handle the truth!


February 19th, 2010
8:47 am

Wow..Does this story touch base with me..I have a nephew that has 4 girls with his girlfriend..They have a 7,5,3 and 3 days old..He wants to kep trying until they have a boy..He thinks that he needs a boy to pass on the name..BS..He can’t even stand to be around the ones that he has now for more than 2-3 hours..So I think your friend should be happy with what she has..

@!Run..I have a coworker that has one son that is 21 and one that is 4..She had the oldest when she was 17 and thought that was all..Then when he was about 7-8 they talked about having one more, didn’t happen..Then they went to Vegas for a tradeshow for work, bam came back and was pregnant..She has 2 boys and is very happy..


February 19th, 2010
8:49 am

kathy, obviously she’d treat the child like a girl because she wanted a girl.


February 19th, 2010
9:00 am

Momma, you sounds a bit silly presenting a “fact” and then rather than backing it up with evidence telling the person who questions it “I’m not going to do the research for you.” If it’s truth, please just tell us where to look. I’d be interested to read more about the studies that show this.

I think people here are being hard on this mom. She feels how she feels. Longing for a daghter doesn’t mean she’ll look at her second son with disappointment. And once her son is born, she may find her desire to try for a girl diminishes. Or it may grow stronger. I think she should try not to think about it too much. After her son is born and she’s gotten past the exhausting first few months and feels more settled, she should see how she feels, see how her husband feels about having a third child, and really think about how she would feel about having a third son. I know a family of three boys where Mom wanted to try one more time for a girl but knew she’d be happy with a boy. She now has 5 sons–the last two are identical twins!


February 19th, 2010
9:04 am

I would recommend that she wait until she’s done with the pregnancy and recovered. If she is purely focusing her thoughts on “having a girl” versus having another child, she could be setting herself up for emotional failure.

I think that God knows what we want, but he gives us what is best for us and what we can handle!

My husband has 2 boys from his first marriage and really wanted a girl when we got pregnant. I really didn’t care. I was happy either way. We had a boy. I could not be happier! I love him dearly and couldn’t imagine having a girl. I think I have enough emotional baggage that having a girl probably would not have been good for me, AND my husband would have probably coddled and spoiled her rotten ruining the mother/daughter relationship! :o)

I would say if you do try again, don’t be upset if you get another boy!


February 19th, 2010
9:12 am

I get how this woman is feeling but I don’t think “keep trying until you get it” is the right way to go…unless you had always planned on having three to begin with. I have a boy, and we are thinking about trying for another one sometime in the somewhat near future. Of course I would like a girl, to dress up, play dolls with, etc…I would love a mother-daughter relationship like my mom and I have now. But, that being said, if I do have another one and it’s another boy I would just look at it like I’m meant to be a “boy” mom and enjoy the brother relationship. I used to think I would not know what to do with a boy but I absolutely LOVE having him, it’s so much fun. I would never “keep trying” for a girl…it’s just not THAT important to me. Having healthy children is way more important.


February 19th, 2010
9:19 am

What’s she going to do if the third child is a boy….have a fourth child?

What’s she going to do if the fourth child is a boy….have a fifth?


February 19th, 2010
9:22 am

I just don’t get this line of thinking. I agree with everyone else who wonders how she’ll feel about #3 if it’s a boy. I have a cousin who has 4 boys when she only wanted (and could honestly afford) two kids -all because she wanted a girl. The boys even know that she really wanted a girl, and I can’t help but wonder how that makes them feel. How about being happy with what you have? ESPECIALLY if what you have is happy, healthy and free of any type of disability -you are lucky!

I have two boys, and I always kind of wanted boys and felt like I might be a better “boy” mother, but I would have been delighted with a girl or two girls and all of the differences that would have brought with it. At the end of the day before we found out what we were having each time, my thoughts and prayers centered around, “I’m so happy I’m going to have you little one, and I hope you’ll be healthy and able to have a wonderful life.” That’s it -regardless of gender. This woman also needs to do some research into the studies showing how a mother feels regarding her pregnancy and the “vibes” she send out can have an effect on a baby. It may sound new-agey, but a lot of studies support it.


February 19th, 2010
9:27 am

I ended up with 2 of the most amazing boys on the planet & I never really cared if I had a boy and a girl, or 2 boys, or 2 girls. I would have liked to have one more but it wasn’t in the cards and like you Theresa, I didn’t have a burning desire for a girl. Actually, in retrospect it was a good thing I didn’t have any girls; I relate to boys better in general and find myself lacking patience with my friend’s little girls. Never was a girly girly, that’s probably why.


February 19th, 2010
9:31 am

I’m reminded of some church friends: Two boys, 3 and 1. Mom desperately wanted a girl, gave it another shot. Ended up with triplets — three boys. So, at the end of the day, she had five boys under the age of 5. Sheesh.

I think the sun rises and sets on my son, but I have to admit, I was giddy with delight when the ultrasound showed a girl the second time around. There’s just . . . something. I can’t explain it. I understand what our cyberfriend is going through.

No blasting from here. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if the second had been a boy (probably saved a BOATLOAD of money not buying cute little dresses!) I’m not sure I would have signed up for 3, but who knows? A friend of mine has three boys and gave up trying to have a girl, and she and my daughter are close friends — she “borrows” my daughter for shopping trips and chick flicks, and it’s good for my daughter to have another female adult friend.

So, to our cyberfriend: I understand. You’re not crazy. ((((Hugs)))). If your husband will agree to a third, then consider it — but also think long and hard about how you will feel if the 3rd is a boy. I never heard that the 3rd one was “harder” — most people I know say that if you’ve weathered 2, then the 3rd one is a piece of cake, depending on their ages (and the proximity of a good pre-school!)


February 19th, 2010
9:32 am

One more thing…Yuki, what you said gave me a flash of insight on why I never cared if I had a girl or not. I never had that type of relationship with my mom that you did, i.e. dress up, play dolls, etc. so I think perhaps that’s why I never had a desire for a girl to do those things with.


February 19th, 2010
9:44 am

@Nadia74, I think there is a huge difference in HOPING that a baby is a boy or girl and then feeling really happy regardless and in getting pregnant solely to have a specific gender. I completely understand finding out you’re pregnant and thinking of “it” in terms of a specific gender or thinking, “Wow, a girl or a boy would be really nice.” I just think it’s a problem when you start getting pregnant just to have one or the other.


February 19th, 2010
9:45 am

One last comment: I remember when my mother was pregnant back in the 60’s. I was an only child, about 12, and we were sitting on the front steps enjoying the late spring weather. I asked my mom if she wanted a boy or a girl, and was shocked when she casually said, “Oh, I hope it’s a boy — I think your Dad has always wanted a son.” I can tell you right now, 40 years later, that I still remember the shock of suddenly not feeling “good enough” and suddenly feeling that my adored Dad had only been hanging out with me until something “better” came along. I had wanted a sister (not that I had any choice!) but I was devastated when I found out that it was a boy – Cried all night. Now, is any of this real or logical? Of course not — my parents both adore me. But there’s no dealing with a child’s logic, but the jealousy and hurt contributed quite a bit to the resentment I felt in my brother’s early years.

So, I’m just saying — if any of you ever find yourself going for a different sex child, for heaven’s sake, do NOT TELL the children you have that you want the opposite sex!! I can’t even begin to describe the way my world crashed when my mom said that.


February 19th, 2010
9:58 am

Momma is partially correct. There is research to show that a third child (if mmale) is more likely to be gay than a second. And further, a 4th is more likely than a 3rd, and so on.

However, “more likely” is not the same thing as definetely as was inferred by me with the matter of fact way she put it.

Hold on and I will find the study.


February 19th, 2010
10:03 am

Here is a link to an article about the study. Both Momma and I were not exactly right. Its actually that the more elder BROTHERS you have the more likely you are to be gay.

It makes sense to me.

Hey, Jane...

February 19th, 2010
10:22 am

…if her 4th attempt is another boy, she definitely needs a 5th…of Jack Daniels!!!!!

New Stepmom

February 19th, 2010
10:39 am

I will say that I would love to have a girl if we are blessed with a second/third (my second/hubs third) child, but right now I am over the moon with my boy that is coming in May. I have told my husband that I would love a chance at a girl, but if it does not happen, no biggie!

I can see where your friend is coming from and that she would be happy with any third child but there is a part of her that wants a girl.

I think this issue is sort of like the Duggars. I think they are crazy, but it is none of my business. I think people that keep trying are a little nuts too, but it is none of my business….


February 19th, 2010
10:48 am

I don’t think there is anything wrong, strange or selfish about what this woman is feeling. I believe most Moms and Dads, if they are being honest, can admit that they did have an initial preference about the gender of their child, even if only for a moment. Many parents chose to “try” again hoping for a specific gender. It doesn’t mean the child they receive is loved any less or found to be a disappointment.

I “wanted” a girl both times I became pregnant. I was a tad disappointed when the ultrasounds indicated I was not having a girl. I quickly got over it though as the most important thing to me was having healthy babies. (My first child was planned but my second child was a surprise discovered after we had made the decision not to expand our family and we were pursuing surgical options to prevent additional pregnancies.)

Now, almost 14 years after number one came along, I wouldn’t change a thing. I adore my sons. Our family is complete. (And, I have grown to love being the only female in the house. LOL)
I look forward to the day that I have DILs and maybe someday we will be blessed with a granddaughter. But, if not, grandsons will be fine with me too. Each child, regardless of gender brings their own unique qualities into the world.

That is not to say that I wouldn’t have loved having a daughter. I certainly would have and there have been times that I’ve longed to do the girly things. It doesn’t change the fact that my boys have brought me unique perspectives I certainly would have missed had they been girls.

Deciding to expand while pregnant is probably not the right time to make such a decision though. There are just too many hormones at work!

AZ mom

February 19th, 2010
11:15 am

I’m with Lady Strange – if she’s wants a girl, there are plenty of children in the Foster care system that she could adopt. We never worried about the sex of the baby, as long as they were happy and healthy that’s all we cared about.