What’s the etiquette on divorce dating?

I got a note from an old friend saying some divorce dating topics on the blog would be helpful to her. Here’s what she wrote:

“Not sure if you know that I a divorced mom of 2 …  I have been on my own for several years and have been very careful with dating, integrating etc…  I have been dating someone for over a year and am now starting to integrate the kids into the picture.  I have been very slow in the process as I do not believe in parading men in and out of my kids life, etc…

Would love to hear thoughts on…

1.  How long should you wait to introduce the kids to someone your dating? …

2.  How long should you wait to have “spend the nights” with the person you are dating and your kids.  Should you have a talk with your kids beforehand….  Should you ease into it… have the person start with the couch and then move to the bedroom???

3.  Steps to make sure that the person you are dating is a good fit for you and for your kids.  I do not think people think this through…  Can they handle day-to-day life with the chaos that kids bring – from sibling fights, every day chatter, activities, etc….”

So ladies (and gentlemen) gives us your thoughts on my friend’s questions. I’m sure you all will have some good insight into what has worked and what hasn’t!

340 comments Add your comment

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
2:25 pm

@ Julia….as far as I can tell…I’ve just enraged Abby. :-)

I think I might remind her of someone she used to know…..and hates. Just a guess.

Good Golly Miss Molly...

January 15th, 2010
2:26 pm

…now we can add Dar, and Tiger, and ShakingHead to the list of those who need remedial reading comprehension before letting them back on this blog for grown-up conversation.

ShakingHead.

January 15th, 2010
2:26 pm

“grown up dialogue” When did you start that?

the truth

January 15th, 2010
2:27 pm

FCM, a two bedroom apartment is not double what a one bedroom cost to rent. Get real.

Julia

January 15th, 2010
2:28 pm

now this is turning into a pi$$ing contest and getting out of hand

Dar

January 15th, 2010
2:29 pm

I beg to differ. I did not miss the point of question 2. In fact, my original post addressed this issue. It was some folks earlier on in the discussion who missed the point of question 2 and started preaching that any sex outside of marriage is bad…evil…nasty…bound to cause our children to be prostitutes and porn stars. Okay, I am exaggerating, but you get the point. That is what Tiger and I and some others are responding to….not the idea that divorced parents should be discreet about relationships, I think we all agree on that, but rather than divorced parents are not allowed to have sex until they are married again. I think if folks want to raise their children to wait for marriage to have sex that is just fine. I also think that the concept is somewhat dated now that people do not marry until they are well into their 20s and sometimes even 30s. I, personally, teach my son to wait until he is grown (physically 18 and emotionally ready to handle the responsibility of sex).

Good Golly Miss Molly...

January 15th, 2010
2:29 pm

I never said I was trying to have grown-up dialogue, but the rest of the bloggers are.

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
2:31 pm

@ Miss Molly….can’t we just wait to hear from Liz herself? Seems to me everything is speculative until we hear from her.

Good Golly Miss Molly, Dar...

January 15th, 2010
2:31 pm

….please show us where anyone else said that “sex outside of marriage”, outside of the context of question #2, was not right.

Good Golly Miss Molly, Tiger...

January 15th, 2010
2:33 pm

…I believe Liz was first on here while you were still sleeping, and she has retired for the day,and probably the weekend. So, don’t hold your breath waiting for her to respond.

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
2:33 pm

@ Abby or Well Tiger (I’m assuming you’re the same person)….I’m still waiting for an example, ANY example that shows I’m blase about morals. Don’t tell me you went off on my like that and its taking you THIS long to actually come up with some evidence to support your claim.

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
2:34 pm

@ Miss Molly…why does it have to be settled today? She’s a frequent poster..I’m sure she can clear it up on Monday when I’m rolling out of bed.

Dar

January 15th, 2010
2:35 pm

And I also believe that making snide comments about other posters…calling into question their intelligence and reading ability…is not at all conducive to the concept of grown-up conversation. But that is just my opinion, to which I am entitled just as much as you are entitled to yours. There are at least two people who commented early on that not having “sleep overs” should really mean that there should be no sex outside of marriage. That is their opinion, but it is not mine and I decided to share mine. For that you choose to call into question my education (two BS degrees and a doctorate, not that it matters) and ability to comprehend. I feel sorry for you as a life lived to degrade others must not be a pleasant one to lead.

ShakingHead.

January 15th, 2010
2:36 pm

I hope someone hasn’t gotten involved with Molly – she seems to have some issues.

Good Fit

January 15th, 2010
2:38 pm

Miss Molly – i did not see your answer to all questions either. Maybe you should have your ducks in a row before you pick your battle…

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
2:38 pm

@ Miss Molly…you seriously don’t see how the following statements couldn’t be taken by me as Liz making a statement about sex outside of marriage and not just sleepovers?

You want to set a good example and teach your kids to wait until marriage for sex (most people want to teach their kids this), but you want to have this guy spend the night?

Yeah: “Kids, don’t have sex until you’re married, but I’m going to be having lots of sex while I’m divorced.”

OK, Tiger...

January 15th, 2010
2:39 pm

…How’s this for showing your blase’ attititude towards morals -from you first post today at 11:32am – Just got to reading this stuff and just had to partially respond…the LAST thing I’m going to do is tell my son to wait until marriage to have sex! I’m actually going to suggest to him to live with whoever he thinks he might want to spend the rest of his life with for at least a year before marriage.

I wouldn’t advise him to buy a pair of shoes without trying them on first….I wouldn’t advise him to invest in a car or a house without first getting it inspected…why would I suggest to him to commit to the rest of his life with someone without first making sure they are compatible living together and having intimate physical relations?”

And then, at 12:01pm, in response to cougar crusher’s question about how long would you date a woman who wanted to wait until after marriage that sex was off the table, you said “@ cougar cusher…here’s my answer….I would wait until she finished that sentence…then I would stop dating her.”

Good Fit

January 15th, 2010
2:41 pm

Ok Tiger – is your sense of humor on vacation? You need to get it back as soon as possible…

ShakingHead.

January 15th, 2010
2:42 pm

Molly – Queen of Morality? Let’s have some insight on your squeaky clean morality.

Geez, Dar...

January 15th, 2010
2:42 pm

2 BS degrees and a PhD – and we all know what BS stands for, and “Piled Higher and Deeper”, too! And you still do not know the difference between “reading” and “comprehending” what you read.

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
2:44 pm

@ Abby…merely copying and pasting my words doesn’t really make a case for me being devoid of morals and ethics and blase about them.

Answer me this….would you describe anyone who believes that premarital sex before committing to marriage is a good idea as having no morals or ethics. Simple yes or no question.

ShakingHead.

January 15th, 2010
2:45 pm

@ Geez,Dar – obviously, higher education wasn’t in your game plan.

Again, Tiger...

January 15th, 2010
2:46 pm

…you are taking Liz’ response to the question about sleepovers and making it into what it is not – that is the comprehension aspect to which I refer. But, that is OK, as others have said, we can agree to disagree, as I think we are both grown-ups.

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
2:47 pm

@ good fit…sorry…kind of shellshocked here by Abby!

But your wish is my command….

A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods.

The bear asks the rabbit “do you have problems with poop sticking to your fur?”

The rabbit responds “why no..I don’t have a problem with poop sticking to my fur”

So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.

Dar

January 15th, 2010
2:50 pm

I didn’t say PhD, you did. I said doctorate. You can look it up, or I can save you the time and say that doctorate does not always mean PhD. And at the end of my post I very clearly stated that you were questioning my “ability to comprehend.” I very much understand the difference, although I admit to have shorthanded it earlier in the post as “reading ability.” You still do not explain your need to go about attacking people on the board. It really isn’t worth any more of my time to try to figure that one out, but I hope you are able to find the answer someday and then perhaps move beyond it.

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
2:50 pm

@ again tiger…all I’m saying is that I feel that there were enough people who thought she meant something different than what you think she meant. I’m not saying I’m right. I’m saying I may be right and it’s easy enough to clear up once we hear from Liz. If she says you’re right…I’ll recant…heck, I’ll even apologize. I’m wondering though…If she’s says that Dar, shaking head, and I were right, will you provide us the same courtesy?

Good Fit

January 15th, 2010
2:53 pm

Tiger Needs me on his PR team – that is funny…

I was referring in my post to 2>39 pm posting by “OK, Tiger”. Seems he/she has no sense of humor.

Again, Tiger...

January 15th, 2010
2:54 pm

“Answer me this….would you describe anyone who believes that premarital sex before committing to marriage is a good idea as having no morals or ethics. Simple yes or no question.”

That is not a yes or no question in the context of what you asked previously regarding proof that you had a blase’ attitude toward morals – at 2:15pm you wrote – “@ Well Tiger…that’s interesting….can you give me ONE example where I was blase about morals?”

Hence, it is the response that question that was given that you are now trying justify as you are now in the backpedal zone!

Dar

January 15th, 2010
2:55 pm

@ Again, Tiger. That is the problem. You are assuming that your comprehension of those earlier comments is the correct one and thus those of us who did not comprehend them the way you did must be ignorant. Nobody except Liz knows what she really meant, and because there have been at least two different interpretations of her comments expressed on the boards today I would say that her comments were thus not clear enough for anyone to be sure…except her. And if she comes back and says “I did not mean all sex outside of marriage is wrong” then we will all know what she meant. But we don’t know for sure what she meant and it led to, in my opinion, a very nice grown-up discussion before you decided that degrading the people engaging in the discussion was more important than the subject of the discussion and allowing others to engage in it.

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
2:56 pm

ohhhh….whew! I can deal with being accused of being a slug…but a humorless slug really bugs me!

ShakingHead.

January 15th, 2010
2:56 pm

UNCLE!! This Molly is a friggen fruitloop. Later peeps.

Good Fit

January 15th, 2010
2:57 pm

Again, Tiger – you need to decompress….

Julia

January 15th, 2010
2:58 pm

yea tiger you just have NO sense of humor dude :)

Yall have a great weekend… (((HUGS)))

Dar

January 15th, 2010
2:59 pm

If it means anything, Tiger, I do not think that you are humorless.

Well, Dar...

January 15th, 2010
2:59 pm

..I will admit that I am stumped by your “doctorate” comment; if your are not a MD, DMD, DVM, PhD, JD (not really a doctorate) or DO, then what other kind of “doctorate” is there (unless it is a(n) “honorary doctorate”?

Dar

January 15th, 2010
3:02 pm

@ Well, Dar. You are misstating what I said. You said that I had a PhD and it meant “Piled Higher and Deeper”. I stated that doctorate can mean something besides a PhD. Now you come back with a laundry list of doctorates and state that you do not understand what I mean if I do not have one of those degrees. In response I will tell you that yes I do have one of the degrees in your list.

Good Golly, Tiger...

January 15th, 2010
3:03 pm

…If the real Liz says she meant what you and maybe 2 – 3 others thought, then I will absolutely own up to being incorrect about you and Dar, and ShakingHead, anyone else I may have falslely(sp) accused of not understanding what she was trying to say at about 7am this morning.

And, no, I, too, do not think you are humorless – I only responded to your request to show where you were possibly lacking in morals.

Becky

January 15th, 2010
3:03 pm

@Tiger, I think you are adorable..No, I’m not trying to step on your toes Julia, I just think that maybe you and I are the only one that gets Tigers humor..

I met my now husbands son (he was 9 at the time) about 3 months after we started dating..He met his Mothers new husband prior to his parents even spliting up..As for child support, my ex left her a house that was paid for, a car that was paid for, he paid off all of her CCs..She wanted $1200 per month CS, wanted him to pay all of her incoming bills for the first year of their divorce, so that she could get back on her feet..So, yes there are some women out there that want more than they should get..Have a corworker that gets $25.00 per week for three kids and her ex thinks he pays to much..

That's enough

January 15th, 2010
3:05 pm

take it to a private blog tiger, dar and everyone arguing, this is looking like the MIA blog except for the correct english/grammer

Thanks, Dar...

January 15th, 2010
3:06 pm

…but I really think we are splitting hairs on the “doctorate” aspect. Would you not agree that in most academic areas, the term “doctorate” refers to PhD’s, while the other laundry list of doctor degrees I listed (except the honorary and JD) are referred to as just “doctor” degrees?

Again, as I said to Tiger, we may be just agreeing to disagree.

Good Fit

January 15th, 2010
3:10 pm

Just to clarify – i was not saying that “Tiger needs me on his PR team” has no humor. I think we can all agree on that…. I meant that “Ok, Tiger” poster has no humor. Too many similar names…..

Dar

January 15th, 2010
3:12 pm

That’s enough….you are correct. We are done…after I say this…all of those other degrees are referred to as professional doctorates because they do not require a thesis. They are still doctorates, at least in the US and Canada. We are still talking a lot of post-undergraduate time and effort to earn each of them and I think that anyone who attains any one of them (except honorary), should be presumed to have some grasp on reading comprehension. Over and Out.

Good Fit

January 15th, 2010
3:13 pm

@ Becky – Tell your co-worker to go to court and determine/enforce child support. Guy needs to get in touch with reality. I am sure he will be ordered to pay more than that. It does not take much to file a claim.

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
3:14 pm

@Again, Tiger….let me get this straight.

I share that I am going to advise my son against waiting until marriage to have sex. I illustrate my opinion with other, everyday, examples of financial and emotional investments that I would also advise him against doing before he was absolutely sure that the commit was the right one.

i go to say, quite honestly, that I would not date a woman with the edict that she will NOT be having sex before marriage, which I admit is not congruent with my beliefs of learning EVERYTHING you can possibly learn about your partner before committing yourself the rest of your life with them.

You believe those examples qualify me as having no morals?

And for the record..I’m not backtracking on anything…I stand by those statements and didn’t say one thing I don’t believe.

Becky

January 15th, 2010
3:20 pm

@Good Fit, she’s over worrying about it now, as her 2 boys of over 18 and the daughter jsut turned 15..Her ex has been in/out (mostly in) jail since they divorced..She doesn’t qualify for any government help because they tell her that she makes to much money..So I think she just doesn’t care anymore..Thanks for the suggestion though..

MomsRule

January 15th, 2010
3:24 pm

@ Becky, please add me to your list of “gets Tigers humor.”

….good times…good times

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
3:24 pm

by the way Becky..thanks for the support…..I didn’t see it at first…too busy wiping the tears from my eyes from all the weeping I’ve been going through since Abby attacked my verbally!

I’ll be back in a little bit…I need to go have a good cry.

Tiger needs me on his PR team

January 15th, 2010
3:28 pm

Awwww…..you guys are gonna make me blush!

Yes, Tiger...

January 15th, 2010
3:28 pm

…and even Dar might agree with this, in the world of academia, what you describe is a belief in “situational ethics” – right or wrong, you want things as you want them, not necessarily related to what may be right or wrong to everyone else.

And, I am not saying you are right or wrong in your beliefs – I was only responding to your request that someone point out where you maight be devoid of ethics or morals. As Jerry Seinfeld might say “Not that there is anything wrong with that”!

And, Tiger...

January 15th, 2010
3:29 pm

…I am not Abby!