Four Christmases: How do you handle The Divorce Christmas Shuffle?
We recently saw the movie “Four Christmases” with Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon. And while the movie was just OK, the premise of the film is very familiar to many families.
In the movie, both sets of parents are divorced so they have to hit four Christmasses in one day. I call it The Divorce Christmas Shuffle.
I have many friends shuttling kids between divorced grandparents and also between divorced parents. You could be up to six Christamases if the parents are divorced as well.
A lot of our friends try to hit several of the grandparents before Christmas day. If you have the time off or can use the weekend before the holiday, this seems to save a lot of frustration and headache.
How do you handle visiting divorced grandparents or parents in your house? Do you celebrate the holiday ahead or after the real date? Do the kids think it’s fun to celebrate multiple times at multiple places or would they be just as happy with one? Could you arrange for everyone to get together or would that get ugly? Could the divorced grandparents be trusted together over dinner? What about divorced parents? Could you pull it off?
What are the secrets to a successful Divorce Christmas Shuffle?
NEWS TO NOTE: If you are on Facebook, we now have an AJC Momania Fan Page. You can share messages and photos there. Also there is an RSS feed of the blog under the News heading so you can check for the latest topic without leaving Facebook. Here’s the link http://www.facebook.com/pages/AJC-Momania/210922088338.We have some exclusive material on the AJC Momania Facebook page right now: my husband posted the kids’ photo with Santa from yesterday.
And speaking of Facebook, I have a friend having an epic battle between her Elves on the Shelf. She’s posting the photos on Facebook. I’m trying to get her permission to post them on the blog for you guys to see. They are soo funny! Keep checking back to see if I can get them up. She is very creative!
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91 comments Add your comment
Hi there
December 23rd, 2009
8:31 am
As a child of divorce we were always going from one house to another, but we did enjoy our holidays. Our parents still got along really well and adapted to the new spouses and children that came from the second and sometimes third marriages. Thankfully we would end up at both Grandma’s houses that day or someone would host the whole family over for Christmas day. (We would do Thanksgiving most of the time and have 70 people at our house so it was the WHOLE family) We loved it and of course as a kid we didn’t know about any of the stresses that came along with that, but now as an adult I wonder how they did it and without all the convience items we as parents have now. Two hour long car rides without tv’s, music players, computers and the like, jeez no wonder they wanted to turn the car around. :-)
I think it can be as hard on the kids as you want it to be and if everyone gets along (or at least should for one day) do it at someones house and allow the kids and everyone else to just do things once. I think I could pull it off and have for the most part every year for the past six years. However, now that my brother has married and had a child he can’t make it to “One” of our family gatherings, but can attend “SIX” of her family functions this week into the weekend. Nice. Anyone have advice on what to do with this? Should I say something to the wifey? Tell my brother to stand up for himself since it’s his holiday as well? Just back off and wait and see what happends next year? Smack her and tell her to quit being selfish? (Last one a joke, but sometimems I really could)
Hope everyone has a great Christmas.
motherjanegoose
December 23rd, 2009
8:52 am
I do not have any advice for the divorce dilemma, so I will be reading only today.
Merry Christmas everyone!
@ Hi there….my husband’s brother’s wife has parents who insist she spends Sunday dinner with them every week. This has been going on for 30 years. If we ever travel in from out of town, we can join them at her parents ( a nice invite but we do not) or find something else to do. They also HAVE to be there for holiday dinners. Maybe I am the only one who thinks this is a bit much? I cannot fathom this as we have not been at either of of parent’s houses for holiday dinners in years. As I have mentioned before, my husband’s parents have NEVER been to our house. The road only goes one way.
Years ago, the gifts from Santa got there but we almost did not, as they were sent ahead. We were frantic as to what the kids would think if we were in a hotel with no presents from Santa. We spent Christmas eve in the airport trying to maneuver a flight. That was the end of traveling 8-20 HOURS and having stress for Christmas. As they got older, there were activities here and then they had jobs. We spend a quiet Christmas home now and have done this for quite a while. There may be more folks doing this lately with the economy and also the weather that is expected to hit the midwest!
Hi there
December 23rd, 2009
9:04 am
Motherjane@ Thank you for at least letting me know I’m not alone with this issue. I just really think it should go both ways and that he should be allowed to spend time with his family at least once. Honestly, he is not making it to even one holiday get together. Since our dad lives in California and our mother passed many years ago, I have tried to step in and be the “mom” for my brother and sister and keep on the traditions that she had going. Why does a marriage have to change everything? My spouse and I don’t argue over what to do over the holidays and give and take with other visits and what not. It’s about compromise and working things out, not just about getting your way. My brothers wife is young (20 and just had their first child last month) so I’m hoping that as she ages she calms down a bit.
Hey, Hi there...
December 23rd, 2009
9:15 am
It always amuses me how we get a blog and then, after the second blog by the same person, more details emerge that help to further explain the situation.
The wife is 20? And just had a baby? Seems to me that they are making the rounds on her side, and this may not change much for the first couple of years.
Also, have you asked you brother about this arrangement – maybe it is HE who does not care to be with his family right now.
Michelle
December 23rd, 2009
9:16 am
@ Hi there…perhaps it’s not worth the stress & frustration that the wife gives him! He knows that you will still love him whenever he makes it over! I’m pretty sure as the baby gets a little older, he’ll be coming around more.
Ugghh…holidays with divorced parents…what a nightmare! I remember this as a kid! It was fun seeing everyone, but the backlash and guilt of wanting to be in one place was just ridiculous! We NEVER spent one whole holiday at one house.
My suggestion (and what we have done with our step kids) is to break it up so the kids are in one place for a whole day. You may have to change and do the holiday a day early or late though. For small families, this really isn’t that big of a deal. This year is going to be tough though. My little guy is 6 and still believes in SC! Sooo…his brothers are supposed to go home tomorrow night. I guess they’ll have to come back over to our house to open their SC gifts since they won’t be under the tree until Christmas morning! :o)
Really, I don’t think the kids care HOW the holidays are arranged, it’s the parents who cause all the drama! All of the parents want the kids for the BIG holidays and don’t want to share. Selfishness at it’s best!
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
December 23rd, 2009
9:37 am
She’s very very young. I can’t imagine having a baby and being married at 20. She’s got a lot of growing to do and it probably never even occurred to her that her husband would want to see his family. She’s just used to seeing hers. She’s probably freaked out with the new baby, wants help and reassurance, wants to feel protected and young again and may not feel as comfortable with his side — I think the being young explains a lot. I would give her the benefit of the doubt if you do approach the situation — maybe say we are so disappointed we’re not getting to see you guys and the baby. Is there any way you can fit us in –
removed it
December 23rd, 2009
9:46 am
I do not care what the calendar says. Secular Christmas will be held on Monday, December 28th at my house.
The children will have a Secular (and perhaps a relgious too) celebration in the company of their father and his extended family on the traditional date.
As the children get older, indeed as I get older. I find that I do not want the stress of a prescribed holiday schedule. That is true of ANY holiday — labor day, MLK, or Christmas.
I have extended family visiting my parents. I spent time with them over the past weekend. (My parents are 30 – 45 minutes away from me). More family is to arrive tonight or tomorrow morning. I will go for a few hours tomorrow to visit. Then I will go back for a few hours on Christmas Day. I will also be visiting two other friends’ homes during this time. This is my choice and everyone is clear that I will not be spending tons of time anywhere.
It is only going to be stressful if I let it. I am going to go at my pace, I know the dining schedules and will plan accordingly. I even told my Mom to go ahead and start without me if I am not there, I will at least do dessert with them.
My parents are joining the kids and I on Monday. In fact, my Mom let it slip that that is the celebration she is most looking forward too.
Parents who have divorced, just like newly weds, have to realize that some traditions will have to change. They will have to relax and find new definitions. Insisting that your children spend each holiday with you is unfair to you and them, and just sets up animosity.
Here is wishing you a lessed stressed and more Merry Christmas and Yuletide!
Becky
December 23rd, 2009
9:53 am
Thank goodness this isn’t an issue for us either..I do have a brother though that lives in Snellville and he says that it’s to far for him to drive..Go figure..Christmas is the only time that we ever see him..
@Hi there, I would just flat out ask him what his problem is..Of course that is just me..Our family is very verbal, if we want to know, we ask..If you don’t feel right doing that, just give it another year and see what happens..
iRun
December 23rd, 2009
9:55 am
Heck, my husband and I are still married, my parents are still married, his mother has never been married (he has no father) yet we go nowhere for Christmas. My parents and his mom are 9 hours away. It just ain’t happening. We spend it here, just us.
motherjanegoose
December 23rd, 2009
10:00 am
LOL @ removed it, I am with you on the stress of any holiday…my kind of person! This is why my fancy dishes rarely get used but the picnic and patio sets are worn out. I love to cook out and invite friends over or even take them to lunch or dinner. I HATE having a big formal dinner here in my dining room….to each his own!
I know there are those who like to ooh and aah over other’s houses and all the beautiful stuff they have but I want to visit with the people, we can be eating a yogurt at the park and that is fine with me!
...
December 23rd, 2009
10:02 am
The problem is expectations. Too many people expecting too much of other people. If you have grown children, you shouldn’t expect them to travel to see you every holiday, birthday, or other celebration. You should go see them some times and hope they come see you, but not expect it.
Elliot Garcia
December 23rd, 2009
10:08 am
We spend Christmas in Antigua every year—just my wife and I and our children….it sure beats all of the other dilemnas!
hockeymom
December 23rd, 2009
10:22 am
My parents divorced when I was a teenager and Christmas especially became an issue, but somehow we made it work. Then marriage and children and trying to fit in grandparents for the holidays while still letting the children enjoy their Christmas presents became a bit stressful. We did come up with solutions (having celebrations on Christmas eve, etc) that seemed to work. By 2004 all of our parents had passed away (we are still in our 40s) so now there is no where we have to be on Christmas – what a bummer. As much as the stress made me crazy at the time, I would honestly enjoy another Christmas spent shuffling from house to house and I know the children would love the opportunity to see much loved and missed grandparents again.
Worked it Out
December 23rd, 2009
10:26 am
I feel very fortunate that my ex and I agreed, up front, to always be home at Christmas so that we can both be with our daughter – now 16. When she was younger, one of us would spend the night at the other’s house (sleeping with her) so that we wouldn’t miss anything on Christmas morning. Now, depending on who she is with – it alternates each year – the other comes over early, we have breakfast and open gifts. Then we all go about out day visiting with each other and friends. She visits with his parents before Christmas and we usually go home (6 hours) to mine the day after Christmas.
My ex and I get along very well, and I feel very blessed for that!!
Wayne
December 23rd, 2009
10:27 am
@hockeymom; had the same sort of thing – my parents divorced while I (and my younger sister) was in my early teens. It was difficult but it sorta worked out. Now, my Dad is in CA, my sister is in PA and my Mom is in FL, so just have my wife’s family here. All grandparent’s have passed on. It’s okay, but it’s not the same without my family here. My boys haven’t met my Dad, but they have my Mom. Where’s Grandma is a common refrain around the house.
Pray
December 23rd, 2009
10:27 am
My parents who have been married for 30 years divorced this summer and I dodged Thanksgiving, but I have absolutely no idea how to divide myself and my family so that we can go see them both for Christmas. My mother is here in Georgia visiting family and my father is in Alabama. He keeps asking me if I’m coming home and my mother keeps asking me what time should she be at my house for Christmas dinner…
removed it
December 23rd, 2009
10:37 am
MJG I am a regular poster who removed my name. I am not sure that I am your cup of tea but you would be surprised that I really am a nice person. I do this when I give information that might connect me to my kids. I have no problem with taking heat for what I say as my regular persona but I do have issues with my kids taking heat for it.
I know their teachers and others that know me, read this blog. Most of them do not know my screen name though.
Georgia Daaawg
December 23rd, 2009
10:39 am
If you’re a parent with kids, anyone who wants to see you and your kids need to go to your house! Once I started having kids, I told all family members Christmas was at my house, come if you want, but we aren’t going anywhere. Some will come, some won’t, in the end you find out how important you and your kids are to others!
single dad
December 23rd, 2009
10:43 am
seems to me that the whole custody/holiday shuffle is just a sad fact of life for children of divorced parents. a parent who divorces his/her spouse, but makes an issue out of custody/holidays doesn’t care about children. i’m not talking about spousal abuse, substance abuse or infidelity. i am talking about “i don’t love you anymore” or “i feel trapped…” if you feel you made a mistake in marrying your child’s other parent, fine, but be prepared to walk away from your children as well. at the end of the day, most parents are self absorbed (emotional) children themselves, and all this litigation and court-ordered stuff is just a revenue stream for lawyer and the Courts. ‘the best interests’ of the child are not served by ANY divorce and more often than not, become a tool for one parent to do harm to the other. so spare me the trite “concern” for the kiddies. love and the spirit of christmas or any holiday cannot be “ordered” by a Court. that said, merry christmas to all and to all a good night.
Michelle
December 23rd, 2009
10:45 am
Theresa, my first post didn’t show!
motherjanegoose
December 23rd, 2009
10:55 am
@ removed it, I do not know if you are my kind of person. I actually meant that your comment about not being stressed is my kind of person. For all I know, you could be someone who regularly spats with me!
I am really a nice person too, as those who actually know me can attest to. This is why I often wonder how those who do not know a person can make rude jabs about their character, on a blog. It is one thing to disagree or be offended by a comment but another to ridicule the poster. We have mentioned this before! It does seem that things have calmed down a bit.
I did get a kick out of the post on Toys for Tots blog by Private:
“I don’t like people who take from the government. It annoys me seeing a person buying $200-600 in food (paying with food stamps) but driving around in a new car and a Coach hand bag.”
I have mentioned seeing this before and have taken heat from other posters who think I am crazy!
Guess I am not the only one who realizes that this is happening.
@ Georgia Daaawg….You are correct about finding out what is important and sadly, my kids are not too important to their grandparents. They mean the world to us and we make sure they know they are loved and that we are proud of them…as most here know.
Tasha
December 23rd, 2009
11:05 am
We string out Christmas over a few days. It actually makes it more fun!
Wayne
December 23rd, 2009
11:06 am
What we ended up doing when we were kids is to do Christmas Eve at one parents house, and Christmas at the other. The next year, we swapped. It worked. What else can you really do, without a ton of stress? Kids don’t need that – at all. Fer cryin’ out cats, it’s Christmas! Or should I say, Holy Crap on a Stick, it’s Christmas!
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
December 23rd, 2009
11:10 am
michelle — i will search for it –
three Christmases and counting
December 23rd, 2009
11:13 am
My parents are divorced and my father is remarried. They are in another state. My in-laws are nearby, as is my mother. We have a pretty good routine going – Christmas Eve with Mom, a little while Christmas morning just us and our kids, then most of Christmas Day at in-laws, drive to my dad’s house the day after Christmas and spend a few days as work schedules permit.
I’m an only child; my mother’s family never had a big holiday, and my dad’s not so much until he remarried. I absolutely CRAVED a big family Christmas growing up! The first year I went with my boyfriend to his parents’ house and there were nieces and nephews running everywhere and way too many people and presents to fit around the tree, and 30+ potluck dishes, I thought I was in heaven! And now that my father is re-married, my kids have aunts and uncles and cousins on my side, and they get ANOTHER big round of presents and food and crowds. I will drive for hours, cook casseroles, pack awkward-shaped presents in the trunk, schedule around all the school and church activities – whatever it takes to keep it all up and give my kids lots of extended family time.
I read once that divoce and re-marriage had created a modern extended family, a new version of kinship, and I believe it. Divorce is truly awful for children, especially when it’s happening, but later in life, it’s a nice side effect to have yet another extended family.
We usually have yet ANOTHER Christmas dinner in early December with our long-time best friends, three families we’ve been friends with since newlywed/grad school days. We all live scattered around north Georgia now but all have children around the same age and try to get them together for yet more “cousin time.”
What is getting complicated for us is that my husband’s nieces and nephews are now getting engaged, married, having kids themselves (he’s the youngest and the nieces and nephews are much older than our children). It’s getting harder to find a time when the maximum number of grandchildren can be at my in-laws’ house and also get time with their spouses’ families. Our goal is to really hold it together, keep having a really big family Christmas and adding great-grandchildren as they come along. I guess we are true Clark Griswolds.
Hi there
December 23rd, 2009
11:15 am
Thanks for everyone’s comments and I am going to try and just give my brother this year, but she does need to know that things change once you are married and you have to do other things. I mean, she lives on the same street as her parents and most of the family attend the same church, so why can’t they just give a little bit? I mean the rest of us live an hour away and were even going to give them gas money to help out. OH well, I’m over it and I guess I will see them when I see them. Just hope they take pictures to send to the family as they will be expecting them.
oneofeach4me
December 23rd, 2009
11:18 am
@ single dad.. that is so sad.. but so true.
My parent’s divorced when I was a year old and the Holiday’s were always divided. I do have to say.. as I got older it became more complicated because at the point I always considered the other person’s feelings. In all honesty.. I wished my paren’ts were still together back then. Now today, I see why they aren’t.
As for what we do now, we always go to my side of the family for xmas eve (this year it’s at our house) and we go to his family on xmas. Since we are having it at our house I invited everyone. Of course, his family says it’s too far for them to drive (from Fairburn to Kennesaw) but they will hop in the car and drive to South Carolina every chance they get. But hey.. whatever.
Momof2
December 23rd, 2009
11:24 am
I would not advocate having the ex- stay over at my place so he doesn’t miss the early morning activities – I think the could set up false expectations for the children (I am staying divorced from him and there is no chance of that changing) – so the kids are shuffling.
I try to always make sure the kids know the plan, and remind them a couple of times so they’re ready. I make sure they always have a present for the ex- that they shopped for – I think they need to have that involvement in the process, plus I think the ex- needs to experience their taste in presents. Also, they have presents for the ex’s pets.
The main thing is to try to get them to look forward to the shuffle, like, “ok, we wore Mom out, let’s go to Dads now”.
Photius
December 23rd, 2009
11:26 am
Oh Motherjanegoose… you get ticked off at welfare; is that your extent of political reality? How about hundreds of millions of campaign contributions from big business in order to re-write laws and get a return on their investment? But I guess is welfare and food stamps that should get me riled up… Not Wall Street.
We have a normal Christmas because nobody in our family is divorced! Something a bit radical… a little different…. people who actually make a marriage work in an entire family.
Snellville mom
December 23rd, 2009
11:33 am
We divorced when our daughter was 7. Christmas was always at the house she lived in with Mom. Dad would come over and do Santa then leave. Mom and daughter wold go to my family’s for lunch and to see family. He would pick her up later in the afternoon to go to his mothers. We felt that was best for our daughter. Now that she is 19, she will drive over to Dad’s in the afternoon to go the Grandma’s house. The only difference is Dad is not coming to do Santa. We had to tell her the truth this year… ;>).
teach1
December 23rd, 2009
11:40 am
Our daughter has done the Christmas shuffle between our home and her mom’s for going on 14 years. This year we asked her (now 17) if she owuld like to spread the visits out and see some of the family Christams eve, open gifts then and see grandpa the day after. She looked at us like we were nuts and said “Christams day is about everyone. Its supposed to be a little crazy”. She is traveling to all 4 houses(parents and granparents) Christmas day! Luckily she can drive herself now!
Tiger needs me on his PR team
December 23rd, 2009
11:45 am
My wife and I each have divorced parents, we came to a great solution….screw them, we take a vacation over the holidays and leave them all behind. A couple years in a row it was Maui, sometimes it’s San Diego, occasionally skiing in Colorado. the Holidays are SO much better when you leave your relatives behind instead of worrying about who’s feelings are going to hurt because you saw one parent earlier, longer, etc.
Photius
December 23rd, 2009
11:52 am
Hey “Tiger needs me..” – that’s great! I agree. Put a bunch of relatives together in a house… after you catch up you realize you have very little in common with these people… add booze…. family starts pushing buttons or you start realizing how nuts your family is and sometime’s it WHY AM I DOING THIS? IT’S MY LIFE – THIS IS NOT FUN. We’ve taken vacations too at Christmas and it is better!
Mary
December 23rd, 2009
11:59 am
I just do like I did for years in Puerto Rico — celebrate until Three Kings Day — save money, time, stress. Spread it out.
Nikki
December 23rd, 2009
12:04 pm
My parents divorced when I was 10 and my brother was 7. We would have Christmas with Dad and his family the weekend before or the weekend after Christmas. Christmas day we were always with my Mom and her parents, who would come up from Macon. My Mom’s philosophy- if you want to see your grandkids, you come to our house! We loved being at home with all our new stuff.
Now, I am married to a man that is divorced and has two kids (12 & 15). They live with us full-time. Typically, we do our Christmas with the kids and my mother-in-law on Christmas Eve and the kids go to their mom’s Christmas morning through New Year’s. This seems to work out well. Their mom has a lot of family that they have to make the rounds to see (her parents are divorced and are both remarried). My mother-in-law despises Christmas, so that leaves my hubby and I on our own (both my parents are now deceased and my brother and his family live in NY) and we love it. We go to the movies, then out for Chinese food. This year we will head down to hang out with some friends that evening and then have the remainder of the weekend to do whatever we want! It’s a very relaxing time for us and we really could use it this year!
I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and a prosperous New Year’s!
Tiger needs me on his PR team
December 23rd, 2009
12:07 pm
@Photius….it’s SO much better than a big get together. I mean, seriously, why does anyone think that arguments and hurt feelings that occur during the other 11 months of the year are suddenly going to disappear and we’ll have a scene out of A Christmas Carol and every relative will suddenly channel the spirit of Tiny Tim and say “God bless us all, everyone”? The only way to win the game of the Christmas Shuffle is to not play by the rules.
Chris Broe
December 23rd, 2009
12:08 pm
My parents stayed married, but I saw my mom kissing Santa Claus once.
Julia
December 23rd, 2009
12:10 pm
I was a child of divorced parents and my son is now my son is a child of divorced parents. This year, my ex husband decided he wanted to sue me for custody. This was a night mare. He decided to believe and ex boy friend of mine and now we are all paying lawyers. Needles to say, I kept custody but I dont have a thing for him this year for Christmas. This has been a very hard year but I know that next year will be better……. If any one just has prayers, just say a few for my boy and me.
single dad
December 23rd, 2009
12:22 pm
Tiger needs… if you recall, the Cratchit’s also downed copious amounts of gin punch in order to survive the Christmas Shuffle (actually, they remained married, but that’s not my point).
motherjanegoose
December 23rd, 2009
12:22 pm
@ Photius…I tend to comment on things I see and live everyday. While big business contributions and re-writes will affect me, this is not something I rub shoulders with on a regular basis. I am not knowledgeable to make a valid contribution about what is going on there. I do see children who grow up with parents that are modeling misplaced financial priorities and these children may too grow up to be on welfare and purchasing things they cannot afford because they have our tax money to pay for food and housing.
Perhaps this is kind of like those of us who are staying in GA for Christmas and are not fretting about the major snowstorms that will indeed affect many of those who are traveling ( in the midwest) to see family for Christmas or may miss flights at the airport due to cancellations. Maybe some are.
@ Nikki…I love the Chinese Food thing. We always chuckle at the Chinese restaurants that are advertising they will be open on Christmas. We had Chinese food one Christmas eve as we picked up take out after church. I thought it was fine but my husband was not crazy about it. He prefers a traditional meal ( cooked by myself, my sister and my daughter). This is one time I will suck it up and do it….hahaha!
Glad I am off this week and next.
Name withheld
December 23rd, 2009
12:28 pm
Sounds like alot of folks on here (without naming names) have forgotten about what family means.
Can family get-togethers get crazy and out of hand? Sure. But, they’re your family. If you celebrate Christmas (and are truly Christian), then you appreciate and love your family no matter what. Jesus emphasized loving and taking care of one another.
No matter what.
Tiger needs me on his PR team
December 23rd, 2009
12:30 pm
@single dad…..the Cratchits were a bunch of lushes! I immediately found them very endearing and would welcome them to spend a week on the North Shore over the Xmas holidays grilling fresh mahi mahi over spending time with my relatives. You know Bob secretly hoped his mother in law never made it to Xmas dinner because she’d bitch about him not doing well enough to keep his daughter from having to work in a sweat shop.
Tiger needs me on his PR team
December 23rd, 2009
12:40 pm
@name withheld……I think you are missing the point. My philosophy is to spend the holidays with the family the I appreciate and who appreciates me back during the rest of the year leading up to Xmas. It’s very family focused. My wife and my child spending great quality time together and forging great memories we will never forget. There is nothing more special than that to me. If being a “true Christian” means that I have to let others take something away from that simply because we’re related…..then it’s no wonder I’m agnostic.
lovelyliz
December 23rd, 2009
12:47 pm
My sister had to deal with the facts that not only were her husband’s parents divorced, but now she and he are also. Thank goodness our parents live in another state and come to visit during non-major holidays. Not only did his family all schedule their parties at the same time, but also they all expected everyone to stay there the entire time. Unhappy because you leave early. Unhappy because you arrive late.
In the divorce, she got custody of their daughter. They alternate Thanksgiving/Christmas, switch every year and transfer of the 13 year old takes place at noon-ish. The first couple of years after the divorce she was more than generous with his visitation at Christmas, but then his family froze her out of everything when her ex’s shacklette didn’t like having my sister around. That’s when my sister put her foot down. When told that she would be spending Christmas Eve/morning with Mom, my niece was fine. She still gets to see her father’s family, just not on their schedule.
Sometime you have to compromise. Be consistent and make your decisions concerning the holidays known well in advance.
lovelyliz
December 23rd, 2009
12:52 pm
It’s my understanding that Jesus wants you to love your family, forgive when they transgress and pray for them, but not to spend time with people who are a serious threat to your sanity even when you are related by blood, marriage or whatever.
removed it
December 23rd, 2009
1:02 pm
Lovelyliz that is my take on the reading of the scriptures too.
Tiger needs me on his PR team
December 23rd, 2009
1:06 pm
since name withheld invoked the “follow Jesus’s lead” for the holidays….I was just wondering, can anyone imagine how THAT Xmas family gathering would go? Jesus and God sitting at the table having a conversation? I mean admittedly, Jesus was a forgiving, loving, compassionate guy….a little different from daddy! I think it might go something this…..
GOD: What’s bugging you, son, you seem a little distracted today.
Jesus: Well, I’m still a little put out by some of the things you’ve done lately.
GOD: like what?
Jesus: well…like Exodus 12:29 when you ordered all the Egyptian firstborn children and cattle killed….just seemed a little over the top to me.
GOD: Hey, they had it coming to them alright…pass the potatoes!
Jesus: I wish I could dad, but I haven’t been able to grip with my hands since…well, YOU KNOW when! I mean, couldn’t you have come up with something different to show the world how much you loved them than to have me hanging there by my hands?!? I wanted to be a concert piano player!
GOD: Hey! that’s enough from you, young man….I work in mysterious ways, OK! Now go to your room, you just lost dessert!
Becky
December 23rd, 2009
1:21 pm
@lovelyliz..AMEN..If anyone one here had ever met any of my family, boy would they know that praying is a good thing..
Photius
December 23rd, 2009
1:33 pm
Oh, and the other thing about these morons who get divorced once/twice… the sham of having to buy gifts at Christmas for the new boyfriend/girlfriend they are shacked up with and the non-blood line rug rats which get added to the fold, bleeding our wallet dry.
name withheld
December 23rd, 2009
1:33 pm
My wife left, took the kid and all after she was running around. Kind of stinks — maybe that’s why I ended up overseas. No reason to make the kid suffer more, heh?
Lette
December 23rd, 2009
1:48 pm
I divorced many years ago, and sorry to say that my ex-husband did not try to stay that involved. However, our family is here on both sides,I now have a granddaughter that we try to work out holidays with the other side of her family sometimes really well, sometimes poorly. I have asked myself what is important about the holiday. The actual day or the holiday. It is the holiday, so sometimes Christmas dinner is the day before New Year’s Eve so that everyone can attend, we work it out. Because in the end WE are what are important not the date. I want to see all my people, even if I have to cook 2 dinners to accomodate all. When I have had to “share” my granddaughter, I remember that what is important for us all is family and friends. Merry Christmas and remember that in this world each of us is the prize, not the things!
Ugh
December 23rd, 2009
1:52 pm
I’m a kid of divorced parents, so is my husband. Divorced parents, you suck. It’s always all about you. I’m sick of dealing with 4 “celebrations” for every holiday and being forced to spend my limited time off with steps I can’t stand, much less buy gifts for them. Advice to young couples out there….be sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and that you can stay committed to that person through thick and thin. If not, then don’t bother getting married. The problems divorce causes are too great and it just doesn’t affect the divorced people, its affects kids, family and etc.
Actually, Tiger needs...
December 23rd, 2009
1:57 pm
…I believe Jesus already asked some of those questions when he was on the cross when he asked “why has thou forsaken me?”
But, I will give you credit – as an agnostic, you seem to ask some good, spiritually based, questions!
Tiger needs me on his PR team
December 23rd, 2009
2:01 pm
of course he asked them! All I’m saying is that that family has GOT to have some baggage! I wouldn’t blame them for not wanting to spend Xmas together either! Doesn’t make them bad people, or any of us bad people……but we also shouldn’t feel bad for making the most of our holidays with those that we most love, cherish, and enjoy being around, even if that is at the expense of some of our relatives who would rather have a perfectly awful day together than a happy, content, pleasant day apart.
andrea
December 23rd, 2009
2:50 pm
@Tiger needs…I see you are at it again – LOL!
I agree with the earlier poster in that the kids should not have to do a shuffle. The kids should celebrate at home and while ideally it would be one home, if the parents are divorced, the maximum should be 2. Grandparents and extended family can come to the child. It was pretty simple for me – one gets Christmas Eve; the other gets Christmas Day and we switch the next year. It has worked fine for us for several years now.
The best thing I did was start to take holiday vacations. It is wonderful! We have great memories and I KNOW the kids enjoy it. Family is important but if yours can’t behave day then spare your children the drama.
The Truth
December 23rd, 2009
3:04 pm
Three years ago, my in-laws REFUSED to have Thanksgiving dinner with my side of the family and essentially ruined Thanksgiving for my wife and I, not to mention the horrible feelings it left with my side of the family. They have never apologized and seem to ignore this ever took place. We still host family gatherings because family is very important to my wife and I, but these gathering are separate for each side of the family – no more combined family celebrations. Since then, at every family gathering with my in-laws, they always ask where are my parents, siblings, and their families and comment how much they miss them, how they haven’t seen them in so long, extend them “well wishes and blessings”, without any acknowledgement of the behavior that preceded it. The mocking tone and the devious satisfaction they have with themselves knowing they have manipulated my wife and I is nauseating. However, I decided long ago that the only thing that my in-laws OWE me is politeness and that LOVE and RESPECT are goals that I can strive for that may be beyond their capacity to give. I extend love to my in-laws because I love my wife and loving them helps my wife manage the turbulent relationships that exist between her parents and her siblings. I make the extra effort for MY wife and kids, not them.
A word of advice that I received at a friend’s wedding: don’t let your IN-LAWS, become OUTLAWS, and get between YOU ALL (it was from a tipsy Baptist minister). So do your best to work it out so that no one in your family wrecks your holiday season.
motherjanegoose
December 23rd, 2009
3:05 pm
@name withheld…LOL…I would be happy with a bowl of soup and some saltines for Christmas dinner if we could eliminate chain smoking, a blaring TV 24/7( since the hearing is almost gone) being drunk before we get there and the present grab and toss: all presents are tossed out to the recipients and everyone rips into theirs as fast as they can. I like to watch folks open their gifts and see what everyone gets. When nearly 20 folks are ripping open presents, to me this is not much fun.
We are usually the only ones not there as everyone else has said, “You cannot change things…” Not if everyone is accommodating the situation. We also live the farthest and our kids are VERY allergic to smoke.
As parents, we felt responsible for our children’s health and made one too many trips to the Doctor, with sick children after a visit to the grandparents who live over 1000 miles away.
Another thing I was thinking about…when families REQUIRE you to spend time with them at THEIR HOUSE…do they consider the expense? When our children were young, we did not have extra money to make various LONG trips to see the grandparents as we had to stay in a hotel due to the smoke. Even the gas and food along the way added up for us. You also need a car that is in good traveling shape. How do families do it when they live far apart and shuffle the kids via air travel…who pays?
Wayne
December 23rd, 2009
3:14 pm
I spoke earlier about my family, and how we go to my wife’s family for holidays. The issue I have is that her family ‘celebrates’ the holiday starting at 5:00 p.m. at night. Most of the family members show up late; it takes us an hour to get there (and we’re on time!) and we end up having dinner at 7:00 or 7:30, and then everyone books home after that. We have two young kids; their bedtime is 7:00 – 7:30. So we pack up night clothes, change’em up and put’em in the car. They fall asleep during the hour ride home. Yeah, great times. Especially with two cranky kids.
I created/caused quite a stir one year when I cooked Thanksgiving dinner. I said we would be eating at 1:30-2:00. One of the sisters ended up not coming because she wanted to spend time with her family. All afternoon, I heard the MIL say “I’m not getting any younger, I could die tomorrow y’know -it’s important that we share the holidays together” I told her I could die eating the turkey I made (not because it didn’t taste good – it was great! ) choking on a bone. That caused her to be quiet. For a little while. I’ve never done Thanksgiving since.
Wayne
December 23rd, 2009
3:17 pm
@MJG; I can tell you how one family I know shares the air travel cost. The judge made them open a joint account where both had signatory control and they each had to put so much money in it per month. There were three kids so it wasn’t a pittance, but in general it worked. She moved out West and he stayed here. She had custody, until they were old enough to escape back to Dad.
Georgia Girl
December 23rd, 2009
3:23 pm
@Hi There-a suggestion for you regarding seeing your brother. Maybe a week or so before Thanksgiving, you could ask him to discuss with his wife and give you a list of dates that they would be available throughout December. Put it on them to make the time. The tricky part to this would be being flexible on your end (and whoever else would like to spend time with them) in order to accomodate. She may not be thrilled to spend holidays with someone other than her family, but maybe giving her some control over how it happens will help a little. Just a thought, and good luck!
FCM
December 23rd, 2009
3:36 pm
Photius I am a single parent and I do NOT shack up with anyone. In there is not even anyone to kiss me under the mistletoe this year — narggles be danged I would go under the mistletoe for a sweet kiss if there were someone.
Not ALL single parents shack up.
FCM
December 23rd, 2009
3:37 pm
oops “In there should be “In fact there…”
BlondeHoney
December 23rd, 2009
3:42 pm
I’m surprised no one has commented on Julia and her situation; Julia, congratulations on winning the custody fight and I am so glad you have your son with you. I know how hard it is not to have anything for him for Christmas; it will get better. My prayers are with you and your boy.
FCM
December 23rd, 2009
3:44 pm
Wayne/MJG I think that which ever parent moves away should cover the cost of the flight. That is just me.
FCM
December 23rd, 2009
3:54 pm
Julia, hang in there hon…your right 2010 will be better. I have been in the fights (not custody that much we DID agree on). I have been to the mountain and can tell you that the endless debt due to the lawyers can go away. You are lifted in prayers.
On Chinese food. We used to do that for Christmas Eve. Then when my brother and I hit 21 we did wine/cheese type h’ors deovers (sp??) with my folks. I have been to homes with the Oyster Soup, I have done Midnight mass. I have done the fancy spread. In the end it is about being with people you love who love you — regardless of whether they take up space on your Family Tree or not.
SIDE NOTE: My friend who owns a Chinese Restaurant says it is her busiest two days of the year!
With the kids I do keep it simple — we don’t do the flip at Noon. It is too hard on the kids, they spend the dang day in the car. One gets them the weekend before up to the 26th the other gets them after the 26th until 1/2 period. That is NOT what our decree says but then the decree says if WE cannot work it out then this is what is mandated by the court.
It is imparative that you find a way to work it out. If grandma and grandpa cannot deal it is their problem-don’t make it yours.
Oh and we try to work it out before Thanksgiving so that both sides extended families have time to schedule when they can be around to see the kids. My kids actually say they like it because they get a holiday for more than a single day.
Julia
December 23rd, 2009
5:00 pm
Santa came!! Some one from church brought over some presents for the boy. I am so humbled by this I have no words to thank her…….
On the other side of this, my son is right now on the phone with his dad. His dad is playing the pity thing that oh poor me, Im just broken over you staying with your mom. Well I am just so sorry for him (yes I do feel bad he fell for a lier) but dont kick a skunk.
removed it
December 23rd, 2009
7:34 pm
Julia be strong. Do not buy into this. You divorced yourself from those issues. Yes it is hard I stuggle with it too. When your son gets off the phone hug him Then YOU go write the call time and what you know of the call in a calendar. DOCUMENT it.
Julia
December 23rd, 2009
8:20 pm
Thank you so much… I just hate it for the boy…. He did not want to hurt either of us… but his dad decided to buy into a lie and he rolled the dice and lost… I am a good mom and the boy is my life and my world does revolve around him. I am just amazed that his father is acting like this in front of the boy. I understand he is hurt but still.. the boy does not need to hear all of this.
regular blogger incognito ;)
December 23rd, 2009
9:38 pm
the father (we were divorced when the kids were very young) of my first 2 kids always stayed at my house christmas eve to play santa (and have our yearly christmas….umm get-together lol) as they got older and he and i had other people in our lives…we continued the stayover…(just not the get togethers ;) my younger son’s father is dead…my younger daughters’ father is mostly absent in their lives…so guess where they ALL (except for my stepdaughter) end up at christmas? at my first husbands lol..if i get the opportunity to go to atlanta for christmas i end up there too…i am very good friends with his girlfriend of many years….we all have a blast together…i usually have to work so i dont go often…but as i speak-all of my kids are at my first husbands house…having a blast without me–(dang kids) while they are there they will see my side of our family—-my younger sons dads side of the family (who we all still consider my family too) and then they will go see my youngest daughter and step daughters dads side of the family (again of whom i am still part of lol) so we have a huge family….and the kids are seeing them all. it sounds absolutely exhausting to me….i have to work except for christmas day so i couldnt go…i would love to see everyone….but only if i had about 2 weeks to do it in…i hate going here and there and everywhere in a whirlwind in a few days…so i will be here at home…QUIETLY celebrating christmas alone with a good book and plenty of naps lol
thanksgiving has always been MY time…until i got the job i have now-i cant ever get days off at that time of year and i miss it badly…but since the older kids were grown we always had thanksgiving at my house and christmas based at my first husbands house…then all the traveling to see everyone else.
did all that make sense lol?
regular blogger incognito ;)
December 23rd, 2009
9:46 pm
when i was growing up…on christmas eve everyone in my HUGE family..both parents sides would come to our house (it was the biggest one to hole so many people) my mom and dads families were all very close growing up so it really was one huge family…even the parents of the sopuses would come…then all the families with all their kids would be at their own homes for christmas morning…my moms parents would come over again and spend the day…my dads mom would go to his brothers and spend the day with them…it all worked out great….
i know of situations where the kid of divorced parents have to spend 1/2 the day with one parent then leave and go to the others later–i think thats the stupidest thing….if divorced parents cant get along trade each year….one year one parent gets the whole thanksgiving the next they get christmas…
Debbie
December 24th, 2009
7:15 am
regular blogger incognito – wow, sounds like you’ve shacked up with LOTS of men. Different fathers for different kids, husbands who weren’t fathers to the kids. Girl gets around.
Yeah, Debbie...
December 24th, 2009
7:57 am
…she lost me in the progression right after the death of her youngest son’s father…
glad it's not just me.....
December 24th, 2009
8:40 am
thought that I was the only one that was lost in translation.
Debbie - one correction
December 24th, 2009
9:03 am
I don’t think she shacked up with the men. It doesn’t sound like they were around long enough. This is probably another example of “Hit It and Quit It”.
DB
December 24th, 2009
9:18 am
When I was growing up, my parents “had” to keep a strictly even-handed visitation scheduled between the grandparents (who lived 20 miles apart), because if they didn’t, the grandparents would whine (and my parents were too tender-hearted (or exhausted?) to deal with it. Christmas dinner was always “dueling dinners”, because neither grandparent would unbend enough to come to the other’s Christmas dinner. As a result, we’d have Christmas lunch at one grandparent’s, clean up, and then go over to the other grandparent’s for Christmas dinner — almost always a similar meal — can you imagine doing that TWICE in one day? The second grandparent always got their feelings hurt because we didn’t eat so much . . . they were of the “If you love me, you’ll eat my food” school of Southern hospitality. Of course, both grandparents were 400 miles from our home — I never spent a single Christmas at home the entire time I was growing up, we always spent it at the grandparents (I’m still trying to figure out how my parents sneaked the bicycle AND the dollhouse 400 miles in that Chevy without me realizing it when I was 6!) As a result, my husband and I made the decision, when we had kids, that our Christmases would be at HOME. We still visit around the holidays — usually Thanksgiving with his mother, pre- or post-Christmas holidays with my parents — but it’s not the Grand Tour. Our family has its own Christmas traditions that we enjoy, and that would be severely cramped if we had to go on tour during the holidays.
I read all the stories of the holiday shuffle, and it makes me sad — and, honestly, relieved that this is one less issue we have to deal with during the holidays. Nobody in our family is divorced – no parents, grandparents, siblings, grandchildren, etc., etc. Everyone is still married to their original spouse, and everyone gets along. Makes for a very uneventful holiday — thank God!
glad it's not just me.....
December 24th, 2009
9:30 am
this is what my younger nieces and nephews call a “F” buddy. And I don’t mean friend.
FCM
December 24th, 2009
11:56 am
I have begged for years that since it is just 5 of us in town that Christmas not be like Martha Stewart planned it or we’re doing a Lifetime special. Something calm that expresses we just want to be with each other. I mean I see my family often: church, soccer, school events that grandparents go too. I talk to them all the time — my kids talk to them all the time.
So this year my mom finally gave in. She said those that are there are there. They will eat when they put it on the table, nothing major just a ham, coleslaw and so forth. It sounds real casual. If I am not there (it’s my turn to get them on the 26th) when they eat they are not going to flip. I said thank you Jesus I have asked that for years.
SO! My mom started on the guilt “Well we had the schedules because families used to mean something. Families used to be important. Families used to try real hard to be together. They didn’t used to just go do their own thing.”
This is the same woman who said she would keep my kids during my final then called to say “Are you sure you need me to keep them because we got invited to a party.” WTH?????
I pointed out that I will be there for awhile late this afternoon until early evening tonight and same tomorrow. That I want them to do their thing, but that I am going to see them. Yes part is obligation but I really do want to see my parents for a bit over the holiday. Plus, once I have my kids back we are going to get together again. Then New Years Eve they are letting my kids (who are staying there that day) plan a NYE party (that I will attend since no Lifetime special like holiday love has come about this year) so we will be together then too. Still she seems to think we should all be in her house and like someone said earlier “family starts pushing buttons or you start realizing how nuts your family is and sometime’s it WHY AM I DOING THIS? IT’S MY LIFE – THIS IS NOT FUN.”
When I said I would not see her Sat or Sun she said GOOD I get a break. See she is stressed about keeping it casual. This is just not right. It is a Holiday people That is a day set aside for HOLY observance. Europeans do not go on vacation they go on “Hols” that is they take a brake and relax. Now those are some ideas I think we could all incorporate in our lives.
@regular blogger — whom the babies’ daddy are is your business. You did not say how old the kids are but by my count you had 3 men and 4 kids. One divorce, One death, and one other. That does not = “Hit It and Quit It” in my book. Unless of course they are a bunch of Irish Twins.
I have 2 children now. Their dad is getting married again & plans to procreate. So that is what 2 moms for his children right there. My brother was with his first wife 15 years. If they had had kids then he too would have 2 baby Mama’s since he and the new wife (13 years younger than him) are working on a family. Oh, and we are white, and have good paying jobs, nice homes, pay taxes, etc by the way before we get labeled ghetto.
So Debbie, jump to conclusions much?
FCM
December 24th, 2009
12:13 pm
Julia — get yourself a therapist. Get the boy one too. He does not need to be saddled with Daddy’s guilt. Daddy needs to grow up and take responsibility for the choices (stupid or not) that he made. ALL of you need to heal. Some therapist work on a sliding scale, some insurances have a certain number of visits. Stick with your church.
The boy’s world is falling apart (again) and YOU need shore it up — that will probably mean forgoing dating for a bit. I know, trust me I KNOW, it sucks, it really SUCKS for everyone. Make up some routines he can look forward too. For my house it was every Friday is a pizza and movie. That was 5 years ago. No matter what was going on we had pizza and movie every Friday for more than a year. It was hard to always make it happen too. It was amazing how much the kids came to rely on this simple thing though. They would go to my parents and say hamburger? It is Friday, we need pizza and a movie. At first my mom resisted but my Dad said no we will do pizza. Kids need that assurance.
Also make promises and keep them. If we get all this done (homework, dishes?) we can play a board game (or something he likes you both can do). Make sure you give him your time. He needs to know you aren’t leaving him too. You can say it but it doesn’t speak as loud as doing it.
Another that worked at our house (and still does today) was to shut the tv off 45 min before bed. They have 15 min to get their bed routine done. Then we pile on the bed and read for 30 min. That relaxes them. Then I shut the light off, still on the bed, and watch the clock. I found that the dark is the key here. I start by telling them good things about them, my day, what they did. They will talk too. They talk about all kinds of things…but the key here is they TALK. That is why the dark is so important, they can say thing but not see your reaction, and you can do facial reactions why getting thoughts together.
YOU don’t say anything about Dad. YOU don’t try to fix that relationship. YOU will be the one who is hurt if you try.
catlady
December 24th, 2009
2:08 pm
I solved it by having dad and his new live-in/wife and, later, their son come to our house Christmas morning. Of course, they would drag in hours after the appointed time (passive aggressive or just lazy and thoughtless?) The first few years we waited for them, but then I decided to quit that stuff and go on as planned, making minimal fuss when they did arrive. If the meal was already eaten and put way, well, NMP. After arrving to a bare table (bringing nothing, I might add, nor ever helping with the cleanup) they got a little better about showing up closer to the meal time. It was a relief when the kids became adults and could make their own plans, which, increasingly, include little time with dad and stepmom. The same for birthdays and Thanksgiving. I kept my mouth shut about him and let the children make their own observations. It was a good plan.
I remain close and fond of the aunts and uncles on that side.
I have never remarried or taken a live-in. If I had, it might have changed the dynamics.
Someone has to be an adult for the children. And it does mean sacrifice!
catlady
December 24th, 2009
2:33 pm
Here is something hat really tcked me off: I would help the children buy gifts for him and his side of the family plus stepmom and half brother (I was in grad school living on less than 20,000 per year) yet they NEVER took our kids shopping for something for me! I quit that after the youngest was 15 and able to babysit or mow lawns to earn money for presents if she wanted to give them.
Two of the worst things he did: one year he called me to ask me to take my ame off a gift for our son because he “hadn’t had time to shop” and another time he called our then-10 year old daughter and asked her to go shopping. He was 4 hours late in picking her up, and then it turns out he wanted her help TO SHOP FOR A GIFT FOR HIS NEW SON–HER HALF BROTHER!
It’s a good thing I’m not mad about this anymore…..You wanna see the hole I bit in my tongue over the years?
motherjanegoose
December 24th, 2009
2:54 pm
@ catlady and FCM sounds like you might be in the same league as me….NOT HAVING FUN EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY or not being able to make every situation a fun one. I guess it is just a few of us….LOL.
My back is now killing me, as I have been cleaning and cooking since 8:00 this morning.
I am getting in the shower and getting dressed now. Merry Christmas all and have a wonderful day tomorrow!
FCM
December 24th, 2009
4:12 pm
MJG — you read Bombeck? “If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What am I Doing in the Pits?” Well you ask yourself that often as a divorced person, maybe more so if your a custodial parent.
I just keep reminding myself, I asked the children to be a part of my life, I asked to be a parent. The children were spirit angels with God when I asked that. Then their father and I asked for the divorce — even if the reasons are valid. The children NEVER asked to be born, they never asked me to be their Mom, and the certainly never asked to be in a single parent home. Therefore like I believe I alluded and Catlady stated “Someone has to be an adult for the children.”
There are times I would love to curl up and not be the responsible one. There are times I would trade having the hand in shaping their lives for maybe an hour of quiet. There are times I want to tell the school — go tell their father to deal with the homework they refuse to turn in even though I saw it done yesterday in their bookbag.
Then there are MORE (thankfully more) times that I get a sweet smile. A drawing that says “I love you Momma” or just someone climbing up to snuggle on the couch. I can think of NOTHING that I would trade for those times.
No MJG the days may not always be “fun” but I can chose how I face it. I chose to do it with a smile, with laughter, and with a strong belief that God is in charge and therefore it will all turn alright.
regular blogger incognito ;)
December 25th, 2009
7:35 am
FCM-looks like you are the smartest one here…yes…3 husbands…2 divorced 1 died…wow what a slut i am :)…but all of the families of my husbands dead OR alive still love me..and ALL my kids wheher they are blood or not…i actually have 4 kids and 1 step daughter who hates for me to call her that so i call her my daughter….to all of you who want to call names…well..i guess i cant say that here lol…but my point was—-all of my kids and their families and i get along very well…i could actually have everyone of them to my home and they would all have a great time and know they are loved….THAT was my point…
catlady
December 25th, 2009
10:59 am
regular blotter: my former sister in law does not allow me to introduce her as such. As she points out, SHE NEVER DIVORCED ME. What a great way to look at it!
God bless all!
regular blogger incognito ;)
December 25th, 2009
1:39 pm
@cat lady-thats great!…all of my ex sibling inlaws are still just considered in laws…lol my 1st husbands girlfriend calls us wife-in-laws lol…i really didnt think my post would bring out the buttheads…what was i thinking lol..i was just trying to point out that ex families can still be friends and get along…we all started in for the sake of the kids…and ended up staying that way after the kids were grown because we really all love each other….
motherjanegoose
December 25th, 2009
10:36 pm
Whew…what a busy day and we had way too much to eat. We are blessed and I am thankful.
@ FCM…I love Bombeck and my point is that we ALL have our bad days…that is fine and that is LIFE.
Check out:
Lisa Earle McLeod
http://www.forgetperfect.com
My clients tell me that they appreciate me for saying that every day is not wonderland. It seems to help that I am honest, with them….rather than always having a game face on. Some days, we are able to smile and some days we need to cry and complain.
I grew up in a family that wanted everyone to think we had a perfect life and we did not. We do not look back on our childhood with fond memories.
I prefer being honest and that means ( on some days) I am not in a fun mood as things have gotten a bit tough or I am way too tired to think and smile. As long as we can pick ourselves up and move on ( as many posters have done) that is what counts.
Not sure trying to make every day a happy day is the best idea but that may work for some! I want my kids to see that life can be tough and it is o.k. to be grumpy, sad or disappointed sometimes…. as long as we have balance. As long as you have someone to give you a hug and a bit of encouragement….you will make it.
Julia
December 25th, 2009
11:44 pm
FCM
I just saw this tonight and thank you.. Yes I am seeing a therapist and soon will get the boy one….. I know what his dad is doing and I am so trying to be there for the boy.. His dad rolled the dice and lost on this one… I knew what the truth was and the ex boyfriend LIED thru his teeth and was willing to get on the stand to say this stuff, he took my ex hook line and sinker… All the ex boyfriend wanted was for the boy to hate me as much as he hated his mother and his ex wife…. This man said I was a drunk.. I left my son with him days on end to sleep around and all sorts of other stuff…. Once I found out this I just laughed and wanted him to get on the stand.. I had proof in writing on all his lies that they were lies….
It has been a very bad year for me… He and I broke up.., he made me lose my job so now I am with out insurance and I have a lump that needs to be monitored very close……
I got what I wanted for Christmas this year.. It was the boy.. He is staying for me and I would do it all over again…
He is 14 and Im 44 so yea our house is hormonal :)
We are going to be just fine too.. I just know this year is going to be our year.. :)
deidre_NC
December 26th, 2009
6:44 am
i hope everyone had a mery christmas. so many in this country have been stranded and without power…i hope they somehowmade it merry too. MJG-my family was like that…its kind of funny looking back-at all the effort made to look like the perfect family when we were one of the most dysfunctional i know lol…we allmade it thru and are all basically ok…i try to be happy but sometimes you just have to ‘waller in your pity’ and then you have to just get over it. and whether i am happy or not…i always try to be thankful….that helps the pity party get over faster-if you can think of what youre thankful for…
FCM
December 29th, 2009
6:13 pm
MJG in your line of work you should check this book out if you haven’t already:
http://www.amazon.com/Way-I-Feel-Janan-Cain/dp/1884734715/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262128339&sr=8-3
My kids found it a great way to help tell me how they felt. Especially during divorce. They could go find the picture and point at it then we could discuss it.
newblogger
December 31st, 2009
8:38 am
My son’s dad and I divorced when he was 2. He is 19 now and drives himself to his dad’s and grandparent’s houses. But for years he spent the first few days of Christmas vacation with me, then his dad would pick him up sometime after lunch on Christmas day and he would spend time with him and his family until New Year’s Eve. Worked for us. The most important thing my son remembers about the shuffling around is that he is loved by all of us. I think that’s what matters most.
jan
December 31st, 2009
5:35 pm
How do you handle your husband not ever wanting to be around his ex and/or her husband? I feel sorry for his children because there is absolutely no occasion that they will ever see their parents in the same location for any celebration. No children’s bdays or grandchildren’s bdays. I have tried to talk to him and explain how it makes the kids feel but he refuses. His oldest son has not visited in a year and has only spoken to him on the phone twice this year. This Christmas only one of his 3 children came by and that was on Sat. We had Christmas with all my children but I am sure it isn’t the same for him. Any advice???