Four Christmases: How do you handle The Divorce Christmas Shuffle?
We recently saw the movie “Four Christmases” with Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon. And while the movie was just OK, the premise of the film is very familiar to many families.
In the movie, both sets of parents are divorced so they have to hit four Christmasses in one day. I call it The Divorce Christmas Shuffle.
I have many friends shuttling kids between divorced grandparents and also between divorced parents. You could be up to six Christamases if the parents are divorced as well.
A lot of our friends try to hit several of the grandparents before Christmas day. If you have the time off or can use the weekend before the holiday, this seems to save a lot of frustration and headache.
How do you handle visiting divorced grandparents or parents in your house? Do you celebrate the holiday ahead or after the real date? Do the kids think it’s fun to celebrate multiple times at multiple places or would they be just as happy with one? Could you arrange for everyone to get together or would that get ugly? Could the divorced grandparents be trusted together over dinner? What about divorced parents? Could you pull it off?
What are the secrets to a successful Divorce Christmas Shuffle?
NEWS TO NOTE: If you are on Facebook, we now have an AJC Momania Fan Page. You can share messages and photos there. Also there is an RSS feed of the blog under the News heading so you can check for the latest topic without leaving Facebook. Here’s the link http://www.facebook.com/pages/AJC-Momania/210922088338.We have some exclusive material on the AJC Momania Facebook page right now: my husband posted the kids’ photo with Santa from yesterday.
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91 comments Add your comment
Lette
December 23rd, 2009
1:48 pm
I divorced many years ago, and sorry to say that my ex-husband did not try to stay that involved. However, our family is here on both sides,I now have a granddaughter that we try to work out holidays with the other side of her family sometimes really well, sometimes poorly. I have asked myself what is important about the holiday. The actual day or the holiday. It is the holiday, so sometimes Christmas dinner is the day before New Year’s Eve so that everyone can attend, we work it out. Because in the end WE are what are important not the date. I want to see all my people, even if I have to cook 2 dinners to accomodate all. When I have had to “share” my granddaughter, I remember that what is important for us all is family and friends. Merry Christmas and remember that in this world each of us is the prize, not the things!
Ugh
December 23rd, 2009
1:52 pm
I’m a kid of divorced parents, so is my husband. Divorced parents, you suck. It’s always all about you. I’m sick of dealing with 4 “celebrations” for every holiday and being forced to spend my limited time off with steps I can’t stand, much less buy gifts for them. Advice to young couples out there….be sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and that you can stay committed to that person through thick and thin. If not, then don’t bother getting married. The problems divorce causes are too great and it just doesn’t affect the divorced people, its affects kids, family and etc.
Actually, Tiger needs...
December 23rd, 2009
1:57 pm
…I believe Jesus already asked some of those questions when he was on the cross when he asked “why has thou forsaken me?”
But, I will give you credit – as an agnostic, you seem to ask some good, spiritually based, questions!
Tiger needs me on his PR team
December 23rd, 2009
2:01 pm
of course he asked them! All I’m saying is that that family has GOT to have some baggage! I wouldn’t blame them for not wanting to spend Xmas together either! Doesn’t make them bad people, or any of us bad people……but we also shouldn’t feel bad for making the most of our holidays with those that we most love, cherish, and enjoy being around, even if that is at the expense of some of our relatives who would rather have a perfectly awful day together than a happy, content, pleasant day apart.
andrea
December 23rd, 2009
2:50 pm
@Tiger needs…I see you are at it again – LOL!
I agree with the earlier poster in that the kids should not have to do a shuffle. The kids should celebrate at home and while ideally it would be one home, if the parents are divorced, the maximum should be 2. Grandparents and extended family can come to the child. It was pretty simple for me – one gets Christmas Eve; the other gets Christmas Day and we switch the next year. It has worked fine for us for several years now.
The best thing I did was start to take holiday vacations. It is wonderful! We have great memories and I KNOW the kids enjoy it. Family is important but if yours can’t behave day then spare your children the drama.
The Truth
December 23rd, 2009
3:04 pm
Three years ago, my in-laws REFUSED to have Thanksgiving dinner with my side of the family and essentially ruined Thanksgiving for my wife and I, not to mention the horrible feelings it left with my side of the family. They have never apologized and seem to ignore this ever took place. We still host family gatherings because family is very important to my wife and I, but these gathering are separate for each side of the family – no more combined family celebrations. Since then, at every family gathering with my in-laws, they always ask where are my parents, siblings, and their families and comment how much they miss them, how they haven’t seen them in so long, extend them “well wishes and blessings”, without any acknowledgement of the behavior that preceded it. The mocking tone and the devious satisfaction they have with themselves knowing they have manipulated my wife and I is nauseating. However, I decided long ago that the only thing that my in-laws OWE me is politeness and that LOVE and RESPECT are goals that I can strive for that may be beyond their capacity to give. I extend love to my in-laws because I love my wife and loving them helps my wife manage the turbulent relationships that exist between her parents and her siblings. I make the extra effort for MY wife and kids, not them.
A word of advice that I received at a friend’s wedding: don’t let your IN-LAWS, become OUTLAWS, and get between YOU ALL (it was from a tipsy Baptist minister). So do your best to work it out so that no one in your family wrecks your holiday season.
motherjanegoose
December 23rd, 2009
3:05 pm
@name withheld…LOL…I would be happy with a bowl of soup and some saltines for Christmas dinner if we could eliminate chain smoking, a blaring TV 24/7( since the hearing is almost gone) being drunk before we get there and the present grab and toss: all presents are tossed out to the recipients and everyone rips into theirs as fast as they can. I like to watch folks open their gifts and see what everyone gets. When nearly 20 folks are ripping open presents, to me this is not much fun.
We are usually the only ones not there as everyone else has said, “You cannot change things…” Not if everyone is accommodating the situation. We also live the farthest and our kids are VERY allergic to smoke.
As parents, we felt responsible for our children’s health and made one too many trips to the Doctor, with sick children after a visit to the grandparents who live over 1000 miles away.
Another thing I was thinking about…when families REQUIRE you to spend time with them at THEIR HOUSE…do they consider the expense? When our children were young, we did not have extra money to make various LONG trips to see the grandparents as we had to stay in a hotel due to the smoke. Even the gas and food along the way added up for us. You also need a car that is in good traveling shape. How do families do it when they live far apart and shuffle the kids via air travel…who pays?
Wayne
December 23rd, 2009
3:14 pm
I spoke earlier about my family, and how we go to my wife’s family for holidays. The issue I have is that her family ‘celebrates’ the holiday starting at 5:00 p.m. at night. Most of the family members show up late; it takes us an hour to get there (and we’re on time!) and we end up having dinner at 7:00 or 7:30, and then everyone books home after that. We have two young kids; their bedtime is 7:00 – 7:30. So we pack up night clothes, change’em up and put’em in the car. They fall asleep during the hour ride home. Yeah, great times. Especially with two cranky kids.
I created/caused quite a stir one year when I cooked Thanksgiving dinner. I said we would be eating at 1:30-2:00. One of the sisters ended up not coming because she wanted to spend time with her family. All afternoon, I heard the MIL say “I’m not getting any younger, I could die tomorrow y’know -it’s important that we share the holidays together” I told her I could die eating the turkey I made (not because it didn’t taste good – it was great! ) choking on a bone. That caused her to be quiet. For a little while. I’ve never done Thanksgiving since.
Wayne
December 23rd, 2009
3:17 pm
@MJG; I can tell you how one family I know shares the air travel cost. The judge made them open a joint account where both had signatory control and they each had to put so much money in it per month. There were three kids so it wasn’t a pittance, but in general it worked. She moved out West and he stayed here. She had custody, until they were old enough to escape back to Dad.
Georgia Girl
December 23rd, 2009
3:23 pm
@Hi There-a suggestion for you regarding seeing your brother. Maybe a week or so before Thanksgiving, you could ask him to discuss with his wife and give you a list of dates that they would be available throughout December. Put it on them to make the time. The tricky part to this would be being flexible on your end (and whoever else would like to spend time with them) in order to accomodate. She may not be thrilled to spend holidays with someone other than her family, but maybe giving her some control over how it happens will help a little. Just a thought, and good luck!
FCM
December 23rd, 2009
3:36 pm
Photius I am a single parent and I do NOT shack up with anyone. In there is not even anyone to kiss me under the mistletoe this year — narggles be danged I would go under the mistletoe for a sweet kiss if there were someone.
Not ALL single parents shack up.
FCM
December 23rd, 2009
3:37 pm
oops “In there should be “In fact there…”
BlondeHoney
December 23rd, 2009
3:42 pm
I’m surprised no one has commented on Julia and her situation; Julia, congratulations on winning the custody fight and I am so glad you have your son with you. I know how hard it is not to have anything for him for Christmas; it will get better. My prayers are with you and your boy.
FCM
December 23rd, 2009
3:44 pm
Wayne/MJG I think that which ever parent moves away should cover the cost of the flight. That is just me.
FCM
December 23rd, 2009
3:54 pm
Julia, hang in there hon…your right 2010 will be better. I have been in the fights (not custody that much we DID agree on). I have been to the mountain and can tell you that the endless debt due to the lawyers can go away. You are lifted in prayers.
On Chinese food. We used to do that for Christmas Eve. Then when my brother and I hit 21 we did wine/cheese type h’ors deovers (sp??) with my folks. I have been to homes with the Oyster Soup, I have done Midnight mass. I have done the fancy spread. In the end it is about being with people you love who love you — regardless of whether they take up space on your Family Tree or not.
SIDE NOTE: My friend who owns a Chinese Restaurant says it is her busiest two days of the year!
With the kids I do keep it simple — we don’t do the flip at Noon. It is too hard on the kids, they spend the dang day in the car. One gets them the weekend before up to the 26th the other gets them after the 26th until 1/2 period. That is NOT what our decree says but then the decree says if WE cannot work it out then this is what is mandated by the court.
It is imparative that you find a way to work it out. If grandma and grandpa cannot deal it is their problem-don’t make it yours.
Oh and we try to work it out before Thanksgiving so that both sides extended families have time to schedule when they can be around to see the kids. My kids actually say they like it because they get a holiday for more than a single day.
Julia
December 23rd, 2009
5:00 pm
Santa came!! Some one from church brought over some presents for the boy. I am so humbled by this I have no words to thank her…….
On the other side of this, my son is right now on the phone with his dad. His dad is playing the pity thing that oh poor me, Im just broken over you staying with your mom. Well I am just so sorry for him (yes I do feel bad he fell for a lier) but dont kick a skunk.
removed it
December 23rd, 2009
7:34 pm
Julia be strong. Do not buy into this. You divorced yourself from those issues. Yes it is hard I stuggle with it too. When your son gets off the phone hug him Then YOU go write the call time and what you know of the call in a calendar. DOCUMENT it.
Julia
December 23rd, 2009
8:20 pm
Thank you so much… I just hate it for the boy…. He did not want to hurt either of us… but his dad decided to buy into a lie and he rolled the dice and lost… I am a good mom and the boy is my life and my world does revolve around him. I am just amazed that his father is acting like this in front of the boy. I understand he is hurt but still.. the boy does not need to hear all of this.
regular blogger incognito ;)
December 23rd, 2009
9:38 pm
the father (we were divorced when the kids were very young) of my first 2 kids always stayed at my house christmas eve to play santa (and have our yearly christmas….umm get-together lol) as they got older and he and i had other people in our lives…we continued the stayover…(just not the get togethers ;) my younger son’s father is dead…my younger daughters’ father is mostly absent in their lives…so guess where they ALL (except for my stepdaughter) end up at christmas? at my first husbands lol..if i get the opportunity to go to atlanta for christmas i end up there too…i am very good friends with his girlfriend of many years….we all have a blast together…i usually have to work so i dont go often…but as i speak-all of my kids are at my first husbands house…having a blast without me–(dang kids) while they are there they will see my side of our family—-my younger sons dads side of the family (who we all still consider my family too) and then they will go see my youngest daughter and step daughters dads side of the family (again of whom i am still part of lol) so we have a huge family….and the kids are seeing them all. it sounds absolutely exhausting to me….i have to work except for christmas day so i couldnt go…i would love to see everyone….but only if i had about 2 weeks to do it in…i hate going here and there and everywhere in a whirlwind in a few days…so i will be here at home…QUIETLY celebrating christmas alone with a good book and plenty of naps lol
thanksgiving has always been MY time…until i got the job i have now-i cant ever get days off at that time of year and i miss it badly…but since the older kids were grown we always had thanksgiving at my house and christmas based at my first husbands house…then all the traveling to see everyone else.
did all that make sense lol?
regular blogger incognito ;)
December 23rd, 2009
9:46 pm
when i was growing up…on christmas eve everyone in my HUGE family..both parents sides would come to our house (it was the biggest one to hole so many people) my mom and dads families were all very close growing up so it really was one huge family…even the parents of the sopuses would come…then all the families with all their kids would be at their own homes for christmas morning…my moms parents would come over again and spend the day…my dads mom would go to his brothers and spend the day with them…it all worked out great….
i know of situations where the kid of divorced parents have to spend 1/2 the day with one parent then leave and go to the others later–i think thats the stupidest thing….if divorced parents cant get along trade each year….one year one parent gets the whole thanksgiving the next they get christmas…
Debbie
December 24th, 2009
7:15 am
regular blogger incognito – wow, sounds like you’ve shacked up with LOTS of men. Different fathers for different kids, husbands who weren’t fathers to the kids. Girl gets around.
Yeah, Debbie...
December 24th, 2009
7:57 am
…she lost me in the progression right after the death of her youngest son’s father…
glad it's not just me.....
December 24th, 2009
8:40 am
thought that I was the only one that was lost in translation.
Debbie - one correction
December 24th, 2009
9:03 am
I don’t think she shacked up with the men. It doesn’t sound like they were around long enough. This is probably another example of “Hit It and Quit It”.
DB
December 24th, 2009
9:18 am
When I was growing up, my parents “had” to keep a strictly even-handed visitation scheduled between the grandparents (who lived 20 miles apart), because if they didn’t, the grandparents would whine (and my parents were too tender-hearted (or exhausted?) to deal with it. Christmas dinner was always “dueling dinners”, because neither grandparent would unbend enough to come to the other’s Christmas dinner. As a result, we’d have Christmas lunch at one grandparent’s, clean up, and then go over to the other grandparent’s for Christmas dinner — almost always a similar meal — can you imagine doing that TWICE in one day? The second grandparent always got their feelings hurt because we didn’t eat so much . . . they were of the “If you love me, you’ll eat my food” school of Southern hospitality. Of course, both grandparents were 400 miles from our home — I never spent a single Christmas at home the entire time I was growing up, we always spent it at the grandparents (I’m still trying to figure out how my parents sneaked the bicycle AND the dollhouse 400 miles in that Chevy without me realizing it when I was 6!) As a result, my husband and I made the decision, when we had kids, that our Christmases would be at HOME. We still visit around the holidays — usually Thanksgiving with his mother, pre- or post-Christmas holidays with my parents — but it’s not the Grand Tour. Our family has its own Christmas traditions that we enjoy, and that would be severely cramped if we had to go on tour during the holidays.
I read all the stories of the holiday shuffle, and it makes me sad — and, honestly, relieved that this is one less issue we have to deal with during the holidays. Nobody in our family is divorced – no parents, grandparents, siblings, grandchildren, etc., etc. Everyone is still married to their original spouse, and everyone gets along. Makes for a very uneventful holiday — thank God!
glad it's not just me.....
December 24th, 2009
9:30 am
this is what my younger nieces and nephews call a “F” buddy. And I don’t mean friend.
FCM
December 24th, 2009
11:56 am
I have begged for years that since it is just 5 of us in town that Christmas not be like Martha Stewart planned it or we’re doing a Lifetime special. Something calm that expresses we just want to be with each other. I mean I see my family often: church, soccer, school events that grandparents go too. I talk to them all the time — my kids talk to them all the time.
So this year my mom finally gave in. She said those that are there are there. They will eat when they put it on the table, nothing major just a ham, coleslaw and so forth. It sounds real casual. If I am not there (it’s my turn to get them on the 26th) when they eat they are not going to flip. I said thank you Jesus I have asked that for years.
SO! My mom started on the guilt “Well we had the schedules because families used to mean something. Families used to be important. Families used to try real hard to be together. They didn’t used to just go do their own thing.”
This is the same woman who said she would keep my kids during my final then called to say “Are you sure you need me to keep them because we got invited to a party.” WTH?????
I pointed out that I will be there for awhile late this afternoon until early evening tonight and same tomorrow. That I want them to do their thing, but that I am going to see them. Yes part is obligation but I really do want to see my parents for a bit over the holiday. Plus, once I have my kids back we are going to get together again. Then New Years Eve they are letting my kids (who are staying there that day) plan a NYE party (that I will attend since no Lifetime special like holiday love has come about this year) so we will be together then too. Still she seems to think we should all be in her house and like someone said earlier “family starts pushing buttons or you start realizing how nuts your family is and sometime’s it WHY AM I DOING THIS? IT’S MY LIFE – THIS IS NOT FUN.”
When I said I would not see her Sat or Sun she said GOOD I get a break. See she is stressed about keeping it casual. This is just not right. It is a Holiday people That is a day set aside for HOLY observance. Europeans do not go on vacation they go on “Hols” that is they take a brake and relax. Now those are some ideas I think we could all incorporate in our lives.
@regular blogger — whom the babies’ daddy are is your business. You did not say how old the kids are but by my count you had 3 men and 4 kids. One divorce, One death, and one other. That does not = “Hit It and Quit It” in my book. Unless of course they are a bunch of Irish Twins.
I have 2 children now. Their dad is getting married again & plans to procreate. So that is what 2 moms for his children right there. My brother was with his first wife 15 years. If they had had kids then he too would have 2 baby Mama’s since he and the new wife (13 years younger than him) are working on a family. Oh, and we are white, and have good paying jobs, nice homes, pay taxes, etc by the way before we get labeled ghetto.
So Debbie, jump to conclusions much?
FCM
December 24th, 2009
12:13 pm
Julia — get yourself a therapist. Get the boy one too. He does not need to be saddled with Daddy’s guilt. Daddy needs to grow up and take responsibility for the choices (stupid or not) that he made. ALL of you need to heal. Some therapist work on a sliding scale, some insurances have a certain number of visits. Stick with your church.
The boy’s world is falling apart (again) and YOU need shore it up — that will probably mean forgoing dating for a bit. I know, trust me I KNOW, it sucks, it really SUCKS for everyone. Make up some routines he can look forward too. For my house it was every Friday is a pizza and movie. That was 5 years ago. No matter what was going on we had pizza and movie every Friday for more than a year. It was hard to always make it happen too. It was amazing how much the kids came to rely on this simple thing though. They would go to my parents and say hamburger? It is Friday, we need pizza and a movie. At first my mom resisted but my Dad said no we will do pizza. Kids need that assurance.
Also make promises and keep them. If we get all this done (homework, dishes?) we can play a board game (or something he likes you both can do). Make sure you give him your time. He needs to know you aren’t leaving him too. You can say it but it doesn’t speak as loud as doing it.
Another that worked at our house (and still does today) was to shut the tv off 45 min before bed. They have 15 min to get their bed routine done. Then we pile on the bed and read for 30 min. That relaxes them. Then I shut the light off, still on the bed, and watch the clock. I found that the dark is the key here. I start by telling them good things about them, my day, what they did. They will talk too. They talk about all kinds of things…but the key here is they TALK. That is why the dark is so important, they can say thing but not see your reaction, and you can do facial reactions why getting thoughts together.
YOU don’t say anything about Dad. YOU don’t try to fix that relationship. YOU will be the one who is hurt if you try.
catlady
December 24th, 2009
2:08 pm
I solved it by having dad and his new live-in/wife and, later, their son come to our house Christmas morning. Of course, they would drag in hours after the appointed time (passive aggressive or just lazy and thoughtless?) The first few years we waited for them, but then I decided to quit that stuff and go on as planned, making minimal fuss when they did arrive. If the meal was already eaten and put way, well, NMP. After arrving to a bare table (bringing nothing, I might add, nor ever helping with the cleanup) they got a little better about showing up closer to the meal time. It was a relief when the kids became adults and could make their own plans, which, increasingly, include little time with dad and stepmom. The same for birthdays and Thanksgiving. I kept my mouth shut about him and let the children make their own observations. It was a good plan.
I remain close and fond of the aunts and uncles on that side.
I have never remarried or taken a live-in. If I had, it might have changed the dynamics.
Someone has to be an adult for the children. And it does mean sacrifice!
catlady
December 24th, 2009
2:33 pm
Here is something hat really tcked me off: I would help the children buy gifts for him and his side of the family plus stepmom and half brother (I was in grad school living on less than 20,000 per year) yet they NEVER took our kids shopping for something for me! I quit that after the youngest was 15 and able to babysit or mow lawns to earn money for presents if she wanted to give them.
Two of the worst things he did: one year he called me to ask me to take my ame off a gift for our son because he “hadn’t had time to shop” and another time he called our then-10 year old daughter and asked her to go shopping. He was 4 hours late in picking her up, and then it turns out he wanted her help TO SHOP FOR A GIFT FOR HIS NEW SON–HER HALF BROTHER!
It’s a good thing I’m not mad about this anymore…..You wanna see the hole I bit in my tongue over the years?
motherjanegoose
December 24th, 2009
2:54 pm
@ catlady and FCM sounds like you might be in the same league as me….NOT HAVING FUN EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY or not being able to make every situation a fun one. I guess it is just a few of us….LOL.
My back is now killing me, as I have been cleaning and cooking since 8:00 this morning.
I am getting in the shower and getting dressed now. Merry Christmas all and have a wonderful day tomorrow!
FCM
December 24th, 2009
4:12 pm
MJG — you read Bombeck? “If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What am I Doing in the Pits?” Well you ask yourself that often as a divorced person, maybe more so if your a custodial parent.
I just keep reminding myself, I asked the children to be a part of my life, I asked to be a parent. The children were spirit angels with God when I asked that. Then their father and I asked for the divorce — even if the reasons are valid. The children NEVER asked to be born, they never asked me to be their Mom, and the certainly never asked to be in a single parent home. Therefore like I believe I alluded and Catlady stated “Someone has to be an adult for the children.”
There are times I would love to curl up and not be the responsible one. There are times I would trade having the hand in shaping their lives for maybe an hour of quiet. There are times I want to tell the school — go tell their father to deal with the homework they refuse to turn in even though I saw it done yesterday in their bookbag.
Then there are MORE (thankfully more) times that I get a sweet smile. A drawing that says “I love you Momma” or just someone climbing up to snuggle on the couch. I can think of NOTHING that I would trade for those times.
No MJG the days may not always be “fun” but I can chose how I face it. I chose to do it with a smile, with laughter, and with a strong belief that God is in charge and therefore it will all turn alright.
regular blogger incognito ;)
December 25th, 2009
7:35 am
FCM-looks like you are the smartest one here…yes…3 husbands…2 divorced 1 died…wow what a slut i am :)…but all of the families of my husbands dead OR alive still love me..and ALL my kids wheher they are blood or not…i actually have 4 kids and 1 step daughter who hates for me to call her that so i call her my daughter….to all of you who want to call names…well..i guess i cant say that here lol…but my point was—-all of my kids and their families and i get along very well…i could actually have everyone of them to my home and they would all have a great time and know they are loved….THAT was my point…
catlady
December 25th, 2009
10:59 am
regular blotter: my former sister in law does not allow me to introduce her as such. As she points out, SHE NEVER DIVORCED ME. What a great way to look at it!
God bless all!
regular blogger incognito ;)
December 25th, 2009
1:39 pm
@cat lady-thats great!…all of my ex sibling inlaws are still just considered in laws…lol my 1st husbands girlfriend calls us wife-in-laws lol…i really didnt think my post would bring out the buttheads…what was i thinking lol..i was just trying to point out that ex families can still be friends and get along…we all started in for the sake of the kids…and ended up staying that way after the kids were grown because we really all love each other….
motherjanegoose
December 25th, 2009
10:36 pm
Whew…what a busy day and we had way too much to eat. We are blessed and I am thankful.
@ FCM…I love Bombeck and my point is that we ALL have our bad days…that is fine and that is LIFE.
Check out:
Lisa Earle McLeod
http://www.forgetperfect.com
My clients tell me that they appreciate me for saying that every day is not wonderland. It seems to help that I am honest, with them….rather than always having a game face on. Some days, we are able to smile and some days we need to cry and complain.
I grew up in a family that wanted everyone to think we had a perfect life and we did not. We do not look back on our childhood with fond memories.
I prefer being honest and that means ( on some days) I am not in a fun mood as things have gotten a bit tough or I am way too tired to think and smile. As long as we can pick ourselves up and move on ( as many posters have done) that is what counts.
Not sure trying to make every day a happy day is the best idea but that may work for some! I want my kids to see that life can be tough and it is o.k. to be grumpy, sad or disappointed sometimes…. as long as we have balance. As long as you have someone to give you a hug and a bit of encouragement….you will make it.
Julia
December 25th, 2009
11:44 pm
FCM
I just saw this tonight and thank you.. Yes I am seeing a therapist and soon will get the boy one….. I know what his dad is doing and I am so trying to be there for the boy.. His dad rolled the dice and lost on this one… I knew what the truth was and the ex boyfriend LIED thru his teeth and was willing to get on the stand to say this stuff, he took my ex hook line and sinker… All the ex boyfriend wanted was for the boy to hate me as much as he hated his mother and his ex wife…. This man said I was a drunk.. I left my son with him days on end to sleep around and all sorts of other stuff…. Once I found out this I just laughed and wanted him to get on the stand.. I had proof in writing on all his lies that they were lies….
It has been a very bad year for me… He and I broke up.., he made me lose my job so now I am with out insurance and I have a lump that needs to be monitored very close……
I got what I wanted for Christmas this year.. It was the boy.. He is staying for me and I would do it all over again…
He is 14 and Im 44 so yea our house is hormonal :)
We are going to be just fine too.. I just know this year is going to be our year.. :)
deidre_NC
December 26th, 2009
6:44 am
i hope everyone had a mery christmas. so many in this country have been stranded and without power…i hope they somehowmade it merry too. MJG-my family was like that…its kind of funny looking back-at all the effort made to look like the perfect family when we were one of the most dysfunctional i know lol…we allmade it thru and are all basically ok…i try to be happy but sometimes you just have to ‘waller in your pity’ and then you have to just get over it. and whether i am happy or not…i always try to be thankful….that helps the pity party get over faster-if you can think of what youre thankful for…
FCM
December 29th, 2009
6:13 pm
MJG in your line of work you should check this book out if you haven’t already:
http://www.amazon.com/Way-I-Feel-Janan-Cain/dp/1884734715/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262128339&sr=8-3
My kids found it a great way to help tell me how they felt. Especially during divorce. They could go find the picture and point at it then we could discuss it.
newblogger
December 31st, 2009
8:38 am
My son’s dad and I divorced when he was 2. He is 19 now and drives himself to his dad’s and grandparent’s houses. But for years he spent the first few days of Christmas vacation with me, then his dad would pick him up sometime after lunch on Christmas day and he would spend time with him and his family until New Year’s Eve. Worked for us. The most important thing my son remembers about the shuffling around is that he is loved by all of us. I think that’s what matters most.
jan
December 31st, 2009
5:35 pm
How do you handle your husband not ever wanting to be around his ex and/or her husband? I feel sorry for his children because there is absolutely no occasion that they will ever see their parents in the same location for any celebration. No children’s bdays or grandchildren’s bdays. I have tried to talk to him and explain how it makes the kids feel but he refuses. His oldest son has not visited in a year and has only spoken to him on the phone twice this year. This Christmas only one of his 3 children came by and that was on Sat. We had Christmas with all my children but I am sure it isn’t the same for him. Any advice???