How’s your sex drive? Low desire common for women
Want to have sex?
Many women would answer that question “NO!” and Dr. Lori Brotto is determined to find out why women often have such low sexual desire.
More than any other sexual problem — the elusiveness of orgasm or pain during sex — women feel plagued by low desire. Brotto says, between 7 and 15 percent of all young and middle-aged women —ages 20 and 60 — feel distressed over the absence of desire. And it can just show up one day even when you haven’t had problems in the past.
A recent article in The New York Times Magazine examined the issue of low sexual desire. From the story:
“Next to nothing is known, she adds, about a host of basic questions, like whether most women with the condition have been affected from the start of their sexual lives or became afflicted during the course of adulthood. She estimates that the hundreds of cases she has seen are divided about equally between the two categories but laments that there are no studies to supply a solid answer. Little is established, either, about why women may be somewhat more likely to become devoid of desire as they get deeper into middle age — and even this tendency itself is far from proven and is contradicted by some data. In any event, Brotto points out, while menopausal women generally lubricate less, their genitals still respond to with rushings of blood when they sit in front of erotic videos.”
“Brotto talked as well about another woman in early middle age, who had no period of lust to look back on, whose sexual indifference had prevailed throughout her long — and emotionally close — marriage, just as it had with her earlier partners. She told Brotto, ‘I’m actually O.K. with never having sex again.’ But she, too, isn’t really. She longs to feel driven, to initiate, to ignite, Brotto said, and lately the woman visited an annual sex fair in Vancouver, with its booths of erotic books and lingerie, and gave a party at her home where a saleswoman peddled sex toys; she told Brotto she hoped that such adventures, along with Brotto’s help, would transform her. ‘I want to have sex where I feel like I’m craving it,” Brotto quoted from yet another file, giving voice to a desperation shared by many of her patients. “I want to feel horny. I want to want.’
The article is very long and complicated, but here are some basic conclusions that I gathered from the story:
Brotto says it’s most often not a physical problem, but a mental one – ranging from not feeling sexy to not focusing on the sex and thinking about all the other stuff she has to do to not actually knowing her body is responding.
She has two pretty low-tech solutions but I think it’s hard for women to get out of their heads. She wants women to believe that their body is alive and sexual and have it as a mantra. Positive thinking, if you will, and eventually, they will start to believe it. The other part of the solution is to help women be in touch with their bodies and make them sensitive to physical sensations.
“ ‘My body is alive and sexual,’ no matter if they believe it. They are taught about research that shows that belief doesn’t matter, that the feeling will follow the declaration. And they are instructed, in their sessions, to place the raisins in their mouths, to ‘notice where the tongue is, notice the saliva building up in your mouth . . . notice the trajectory of the flavor as it bursts forth, the flood of saliva, how the flavor changes from your body’s chemistry.’ ”
“This exercise is among Brotto’s ways of training patients to immerse themselves in physical sensation. One hope is that such feelings will whisper to the women of their own erotic vitality. Another is that her patients will learn to be aware of the changes in their bodies — automatic reactions similar to salivating — before or during sex. An underlying theory is that while her patients’ genitals commonly pulse with blood in response to erotic images or their partners’ sexual touch, their minds are so detached — distracted by work or children or worries about the way they look unclothed, or fixated on fears that their libidos are dead — as to be oblivious to their bodies’ excitement, their bodies’ messages. The skill of fully attending to sensation is essential within Brotto’s vision of women’s desire — a vision that she imparts to her groups partly by introducing a diagram called ‘the Basson Sexual Response Cycle,’ whose circles and arrows have lately been imprinting themselves on the field of sex therapy and helping to guide Brotto’s formulations for the next D.S.M.”
(This part of the article picks up on page 4.)
I’m clearly not a doctor but we know I love to play one on the Internet. I think for many women sexual desire is totally a cycle based on their hormones rising and lowering with their menstrual cycles. I also think that women have so much going on in their heads (from work, to laundry to the kids) that it’s hard for them to focus and be in the moment.
The best piece of advice I’ve read (and shared with you guys) came from Women’s Health magazine. It said you may not think you want to have sex. But let it get going and you probably will want to have sex.
So what do you think? Are you plagued by low-sexual desire? Do you think positive thinking mantras of “I am a sexual being” would help you? Do you think training yourself through yoga or other exercises to be more in tune with your bodies sensations and sexuality would help? What do you attribute your low desire to – such as low self-esteem, tired, lack of focus, husband bad in bed (just kidding on that last one)?
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33 comments Add your comment
oneofeach4me
December 2nd, 2009
9:28 am
Wow. Well, I can only speak for myself here as a 30 something year old woman. I get frustrated too as I feel this time of my life should be filled with desire. But it’s not. I need to lose about 20 pounds and don’t feel sexy. After waking up at 6am, getting the kids off to school, going to work, getting off work, picking up the kids from school, going home to cook diner, getting the kids ready for the next day and getting them in the bed I am exhausted. Not to mention the fact that me time is almost nonexistent.
I hate that I look at it this way.. but sex just seems to be another item on my to-do list. I don’t withhold from him even if I am not in the mood. Why should he suffer? Right?
I do know that when I was working out religiously 3 times a week for an hour a day I was WAY more sexually active. Of course, I was also 20 pounds lighter than I am now.. and it was only a little over a year ago. Due to the change in his work hours I had to cut the gym out. I am not 100% sure that the positive thinking mantra would help on its own. I think coupled with date nights, a maid once a month, pamper me time, and working out… I could get this thing down pat. Now.. if only I could find the time to do all these things not to mention the funds….
Kelly
December 2nd, 2009
9:50 am
I maybe the one that is not normal then. My sex drive is usually in high gear. This morning I was complaining that I wasn’t getting sex enough. LOL!
I’m hoping when I start back to college next month that my sex drive stays the way it is. I’m already getting up at 5:30 to get ready for work, get 3 kids off to school, and the work all day, come home to cook, clean, kids activities, and get 3 kids in bed, make them stop fighting.
Maybe it is the newness of the relationship still. We’ve been together almost 2 years now. My sex drive with my ex was nonexistent, but there were also other factors that played into it. Or maybe I am just making up for lost time.
JATL
December 2nd, 2009
10:04 am
This is one of my biggest problems. I used to have a RAGING sex drive! I wanted a lot of sex all the time. I was adventurous and passionate. Over the last 5-7 years though, I just don’t care about it. I HATE feeling this way! I’m like the woman in the article who said she wanted to want it; she wanted to be horny. I long to feel that way again. I’ve tried and tried to pinpoint what my problem is. I started feeling this way before kids, although the tiredness of having two little ones hasn’t helped. I love my husband and don’t want anyone else, and when it does happen I actually enjoy it. I agree with what you said Theresa about just letting it go ahead and happen and you WILL enjoy it. I do, but I used to WANT it and initiate it and get really excited about it. I’ve talked to several doctors, therapists, etc. They all say I’m just tired and have a lot on my plate. Whatever it is, I just long to have my old drive back.
gpkbsin
December 2nd, 2009
10:17 am
Theresa, I think you’ve picked one of the wrong topics today. not many comments.. is it because ppl don’t want to talk about something that personal?
anyways, i’ve had the same problem as JATL. i stopped having the sex drive before kids.. partly because i was always thinking about all the things i have to do during the day or tomorrow or what not. there was a time after the first kid was born that i was going crazy. my husband says i need to bring that back.. not sure when it’ll be back. i definitely believe that self confidence is a major factor. not self confidence in “i can do it” manner but self confidence in “i look good” manner. that is such a major factor.
motherjanegoose
December 2nd, 2009
10:22 am
I am not much about discussing sex in a public forum, as many of you know from my comments, that were criticized, on a previous blog.
I did want to share this and know that many men do not get it nor ever will and they even feel insulted when we share it ;
What makes a man sexy? by Adele Dubois
I nearly wrestled my husband to the ground and ravished him senseless when I came home exhausted from an intensive one-day writing workshop and found that he’d cleaned all three bathrooms, mopped the kitchen floor, and cooked dinner. A man who is thoughtful and considerate of his wife is very, very sexy. (And no, you can’t have him!)
I tend to come home to a family room full of assorted items that do not belong there, no milk, laundry basket over flowing, trash full, newspapers all over the driveway etc….sigh.
DB
December 2nd, 2009
10:39 am
I think it’s a combination of things — but most of all, in general, biology. Especially if a woman has had kids and is getting older — biologically, she’s done her job, and biologically, her body says: “Ok, all done.” What biology isn’t taking into account is the myriad of sexual messages that people get every day touting sexuality, “sexiness”, etc. — and so the brain is receiving one set of messages that conflicts with the body’s “yeah, whatever” reaction. :-)
Let’s face it — many guys wake up “raring to go” just because of testosterone — they equate an erection with being “ready for sex”. They have physical evidence that they equate with desire. Most women don’t. I”m sure that in some instances, you have women who are not in touch with their bodies, but in this day and age, I suspect that they are few and far between — we know to work out, we go to the ob/gyn and have our insides plumbed, we do breast cancer checks, etc., etc. We are involved with our bodies FAR more than other generations.
Add the fatigue of today’s working women (thank you, women’s lib), and the expectation that women will work both inside AND outside the home, and yeah, sex falls down the list of “things to do.”
I will observe — ahem! — that now that the kids are away at college, we find that frequency has increased. :-)
Jesse's Girl
December 2nd, 2009
10:41 am
I think you’re right…a woman’s sex drive does indeed ebb and flow. But so much of it is thousands of years of nature. For centuries, men have felt the urge to populate the planet…to plant their seed. For women…our urge is to nuture the seed we are given, to focus on making sure our role is fulfilled. Too often..our roles fall too far away from eachother. There is something insanely evil that men hit their peaks at 18-25 and women not until we are in our 30’s. Viva la Cougar huh?:) But thats where the commitment in your marriage/relationship come into play. For me…I like it. Our sex life is pretty hot…but even with as regular and exciting as it is….I bet if you asked Jesse, he’d tell you he wants it everyday. Regardless of whats going on. Thats just not how women work unfortunately. Guys compartmentalize and we much everything together.
I recently took our oldest to a girls conference that talked about how men and women communicated. They compared guys to waffles…with a little seperate spot for everything. Nothing come into contact with anything else. Its neat and concise. But us girls are more like spaghetti….everything is mushed up together and nothing has its own home. Makes perfect sense:)
Ricky Nelson sang it best...
December 2nd, 2009
10:47 am
…back in 1972 when he sang “if you can’t please everyone, so you got to please yourself”!
With sex the topic...
December 2nd, 2009
10:51 am
…I knew we would hear from Jesse’s Girl today – and, if that conference you took your daughter to was put on by a man (I heard the same thing and I am sure it is the same guy) while he may be correct in what he says re: the compartments, I have real difficulty with any woman agreeing TOTALLY with anything a MAN has to say about a woman and her body, especially that particular guy Now, if a woman says it, then it has more credibility, but just to take for granted what a guy says, just because he says it in an amusing way and with antedotes that make women out to be loopy – no way, no how!
BlondeHoney
December 2nd, 2009
10:54 am
With my ex, sex was a chore…part of the reason why I think he’s an ex. He just didn’t know how to please me,only himself. My partner of the last 5 years, on the other hand, has it totally right & I can’t get ENOUGH of him…I want it EVERY SECOND we are together and I also have about 20 pounds to lose but he makes me forget that completely.
Jesse's Girl
December 2nd, 2009
11:00 am
I didn’t think he made us out to sound loopy at all. He made more fun of the guys than anyone. Guys do compartmentalize and women do let their emotions rule over nearly everyhting. I’m not saying either is right or wrong….its just a fact. The crux of his message was how to keep girls pure. He gave very good insight as how a teen boy’s brain works. Maybe you didn’t go to the same conference we did.
Wayne
December 2nd, 2009
11:19 am
Jesse’s Girl: I love that analogy. I was just talking to my wife last night about one of our boys (he’s 6) and how boys (and men!) have one track minds; we tend to focus on one thing at a time and it’s difficult to deviate when we’re on that track.
As for sex, we have it less often – when we do it’s great! – but tiredness, not working out, long work days (she’s SAHM, I work two jobs) just doesn’t help.
motherjanegoose
December 2nd, 2009
11:29 am
@ with the sex topic:
“I have real difficulty with any woman agreeing TOTALLY with anything a MAN has to say about a woman and her body, especially that particular guy Now, if a woman says it, then it has more credibility”
Is this kind of like teachers ( who see a lot of kids) having more credibility ( sp?) than those who do not see nor have as much experience with a random pools of kids or even live with children? If so, YOU WILL BE IN BIG TROUBLE TODAY! DO NOT GO THERE…I AM WARNING YOU!
Try not to prove a point based on repeated experience in an arena…it is vehemently stomped on. A few topics back, I acknowledged current military members as having clearer statistics on the case of the lady who avoided her deployment….whoo hoo….it all broke loose.
One would think women know more about being women but who knows?
@ Jesse’s Girl….I read an interesting article last week in the newspaper ( I think AJC) about women who are now the sole bread winners as their husbands lost their jobs. Some of the men are actually doing more or most of the housework. When asked if the women thought the men would contribute on the same level, after they were able to secure gainful employment….most wives said “NO”.
Is the spaghetti thing about a women walking into a house ( after work) and really needing to catch your breath but remembering that you have to get dinner started, unload the dishwasher, let the dog out and check to see if your doctor’s office confirmed your appointment re-schedule? Are waffles men who grab something to drink and head to the sofa with the remote as they trip over things that need to be put away…as they had a long day at work?
I can see this clearly….LOL.
cld
December 2nd, 2009
11:30 am
I’m with many of the working moms on here. I want to want it, but I just don’t care. And I’m not even 30.
A big part is that I’m tired: I get up between 4:30 and 4:45 a.m., so by 9:30 I am wiped out! My husband is working on his master’s, and sometimes stays up long after I go to bed. Even on the nights he turns in “early” I’m falling asleep by the time he comes out of the office. For me, another issue is the touching – and in the opposite way mentioned above. By the time I go to bed, I feel like I have been touched ENOUGH for one day (between the toddler and the dog, someone is pawing at me most of the time I’m at home).
I know that some of it also is body image; my belly isn’t as tight as it was three years ago and other parts of me aren’t as perky (though everything is the same SIZE that it was before). But at the same time, I weigh the same as I did back then, and I wear the same size clothes. I run six mornings a week, just like I did back then. I know that there is nothing wrong with the way I look, but I do see all the changes.
JJ
December 2nd, 2009
11:39 am
Wayne, I think it’s a shame you are working two jobs while your wife stays home. She should help carry that burden.
Wayne
December 2nd, 2009
11:43 am
MJG: Wow, I didn’t think of the analogy in quite the same way. My thought – I’m a waffle, remember? – was in how males and females process information, not so much what they do when they get home from work.
I can also say that the farthest thing from my mind is putting my feet up and having a beer in front of the TV when I get home from work. To many chores to do!
Back on topic. Something occurred to me after re-reading some of these posts. I’m not sure about most men, but not working out and feeling my best probably has something to do with my sex drive too. I don’t think women have a monopoly with regards to their feelings on self-image.
Jesse's Girl
December 2nd, 2009
11:44 am
I agree JJ…in all seriousness, if Jesse had to work 2 jobs for us…I’d be “taking care of him” everyday.
Wayne
December 2nd, 2009
11:51 am
Well, I don’t have a problem with it. It’s an agreement we made when we bought our house – which is NOT a mansion. I should also clarify that one is a full-time job and the other is a computer support business that I’ve had for quite some time – I manage my schedule so that I have quite a bit of family time.
Both boys have special needs; while not extensive, does require back and forth to doctors and the like. She takes care of that (and the house), which I consider a full time job.
Jesse's Girl
December 2nd, 2009
12:04 pm
Wayne…you may be the perfect man:) Maybe you should put together a conference!
Wayne
December 2nd, 2009
12:14 pm
Oh man, I don’t think that at all. I have my faults, I can say that with a straight face. It’s still stressful trying to work and fit everything in. I do it, and the boys are better for it, but there are times… oh boy, there are times… What we do need is more Mom and Dad alone time.
new stepmom
December 2nd, 2009
12:30 pm
The result of our sex drive is a pregnancy that we were told would never happen without scientific help ;o)! Of course we were still newlyweds. Now, with placenta previa, we have been told to cool it….
I do know that my sex drive is better when I am well rested and feel attractive. Working out definitely helps both of those areas. Those of you that are not making time to work out, could you take a simple walk around the neighborhood with the kids? I found when I did not have time to go to the gym, just walking my dog for 30 minutes in our hilly neighborhood did wonders for my sleeping and feeling good. We always took walks as a family when I was a kid and i remember those time very fondly. Little did I know, mom just wanted some time outside coupled with exercise.
Becky
December 2nd, 2009
12:39 pm
I’m like a lot of the posters, by the time that I drive an hour to work, work all day, get home clean house,wash clothes, cook dinner and blah, blah, who feels like it?
Wayne, you may not be perfect, but you sound pretty darn close to it..
MaryKay
December 2nd, 2009
1:04 pm
I can’t believe MILF Hunter isn’t prowling around in this blog!!!
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
December 2nd, 2009
1:10 pm
I think I may have accidentally banned him as another person — I liked the MILF Hunter — I thought he was funny.
Wayne
December 2nd, 2009
1:15 pm
I hate to say it, but I was wondering about MILF Hunter myself! I figured for sure he’d be around. With a topic like this one?
Won't Tell This Time
December 2nd, 2009
1:36 pm
OK I am going to hat saying all this:
I am overweight. My last relationship (3 year recently ended)was a legal adult (age 30) which would make most yell cougar.
I would not call my drive low by a long shot.
motherjanegoose
December 2nd, 2009
3:53 pm
@ wayne…my husband is not grabbing a beer but he gets a coke or sweet tea and usually heads straight to the TV. There are oodles of things to be done around here but some of us can see it easily and some do not. Reminding is perceived as nagging. Sometimes he takes work home and is working on his lap top while watching TV.
I have never been a SAHM and just wish we could split some of the housework around here,
I guess I did not marry someone who enjoys housework….LOL…after nearly 27 years, I am tired of it too!
We do have our Christmas decorations and lights up as my daughter encouraged him to get this done.
@ Theresa, I personally did not care for MILF but I digress to my opinion on sex in open blogs from my previous post today. If everyone else likes him, then so be it!
deidre_NC
December 2nd, 2009
9:57 pm
i have been single and celibate for so long i cant even remember what it feels like to be horny lol..(not really but it happens rarely) i told my ex one time…you never give me a chance to GET horny…but i did have a great sex drive and loved it…im glad i dont now cause theres no one to have it with lol…
@new step mom…i was always a lot more horny when i was pregnant…i had placenta previa with my last child…the doc told us the same…but she orgasms were fine…just no prodding…just thought you may want to know that ;)….
by the way (off subject) i am starting back to college in jan spring semester…criminal justice with a minor in pyschology…i will keep my fulltime job….so yall with me luck!! most of my classes will be onlone…im very excited!
FCM
December 3rd, 2009
4:28 am
diedre–good for you. I went back to school this fall myself.
There is a correlation been found between exercise (going to the gym) and sex drive. Something about the chemicals the brain releases in the body. Regular exercise will increase your desire. So those that quit the gym and saw a decrease in drive…there is a reason for that.
I think that the more active you are (sex) the more you desire it. Like diedre said with nobody around the body sort of says “oh well.” So the answer there is provided by Nike “Just Do It!”
Gentleman
December 3rd, 2009
12:40 pm
Ladies, if you don’t provide your husband/lover/etc. with sex on a reasonable basis, then please do not complain when they go elsewhere to get what they need.
That does not mean it is right for a gentleman to do so, but surely one cannot totally blame them.
I would remind you that generally a gentleman does not wish to visit “other means” for a little bit of coochie. However, you need to remember Atlanta provides plenty of convenient massage parlors & hookers. :)
catlady
December 6th, 2009
1:30 pm
My gentleman friend makes me feel like a million dollars even though I am closer (in looks and figure) to a dollar plus change.
When I was married I was always more anxious than my husband. He even used to complain about it (My Gawd, it’s like you want it EVERY DAY).
To those of you who are overburdened: QUIT! I can tell you from my 57 years–it ain’t worth it! Quit trying to do it all. You will end up fat, angry, and exhausted, and he might just go looking for a younger woman who isn’t.
If you both work full time, when he sits YOU SIT. If he reads the paper or watches TV, YOU DO IT (Or something equally mindless) too. Eventually he will notice that the kids are still up at 10, he hasn’t eaten , the dishes are not washed, etc. If I could ever give anyone advice, that is what I would tell you. I did it for years–years I will never get back. There is little of my life I would change, but I would never put my body through all that again so he could sit in his chair and “be tired.” (Like many of you, I worked full time, did all the child to school or sitter’s and home again, did the house, did the yard/garden, nursed the babies, cooked, cleaned, etc. I NEVER, however, changed the oil in the car.) I think that kind of anger causes depression eventually.
So, if there is so little that needs doing (according to your husband’s actions) QUIT DOING IT.
motherjanegoose
December 6th, 2009
3:58 pm
@ catlady….good advice but it did not work here. When I first started traveling just a bit, my kids would call me ( out of town) and say ” we are hungry”, Apparently Daddy did not notice that it was time for dinner at 9:30 p.m. and the kids were hungry, as he was not hungry nor tired.
I asked him a few weeks ago if he fed the dog anything and he replied, “she had some chips with me.”
Yes, I am exhausted and angry…maybe fat too! Next idea…
Julia Smith
September 8th, 2010
4:54 am
Rather interesting place you’ve got here. Thank you for it. I like such topics and anything that is connected to them. I definitely want to read a bit more on that blog soon.
Julia Smith
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