Drunk Thanksgiving? What does it take to get through holidays?
With skeletons in the closet and elephants in the room, it is often a stressful time when families get together for the holidays.
Whether Mom doesn’t approve of your new girlfriend or daughter-in-law doesn’t get asked to help with the meal, little tensions can make enjoying the day tough.
I ran across a New York Daily News story that asked two life coaches to take families through some example conflicts and how to deal with them. Here are some of the conflicts they addressed:
“1. Your mother-in-law insists on helping with the cooking – but keeps getting in the way.
2. You accepted a Thanksgiving invitation, but now you’re having second thoughts, thinking you’d rather spend the day elsewhere – or even on your own.
3. The guys slump in front of the TV to watch sports after the meal and do nothing to help.
4. Your sulky “New Moon”-addict kids set up camp in their bedroom, obsessively watching “Twilight” on DVD. They refuse to come out into the light.
5. Your mom is prone to baring her soul at Thanksgiving, reminiscing and ruminating on what she doesn’t have to be thankful for. It usually involves her going into intimate details about why her husband left her for another woman.
6. Your sister drops a bombshell during dinner, announcing that she’s getting divorced.
7. Your uncle has too much too drink and makes an unhelpful comment about your sister’s weight and her divorce.”
What do you think of these situations? Do they sound familiar? What would your solutions be?
The life coaches advise in the piece NOT to drink during the holidays, but I have to say that Michael does a lot better at my family’s house when he’s got one or two drinks in him. He relaxes more and just lets things roll off of him. I do agree that getting drunk is not going to help anyone’s situation. There is a difference between one drink to relax and being trashed. (I’m planning to make this festive pomegranate-champagne punch for the adults. This is the non-alcoholic version for the kids.)
What are you worried about most: the inlaws, the kids, your siblings, your parents? Who fights the most? What bad behaviors have you learned to expect? Do you imbibe cocktails during holidays? Do they help ease the situation or fuel the fire?
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76 comments Add your comment
DB
November 24th, 2009
6:10 pm
@catlady — I’m sorry your daughter got bitten by the Bridezilla Bug. :-( It’s hard, sometimes, to understand that not everyone is happy/willing/able to fulfill your fantasy. I hope everyone behaves for Thanksgiving.
Personally, I never understood the whole “exotic location” for weddings, anyway, unless those locations had some sort of special meaning for the couple. It just seems that, for the two that I’ve been too (admittedly, long ago), that the weddings themselves were pretty “canned” and not very personalized. I hope it works out for her.
FCM
November 24th, 2009
7:10 pm
catlady — my brother married and they did a destination wedding. They did it a place that did not allow children. My children and I could not attend. My parents could not attend either due to a series of events. My brother understood. At the last minute several of their friends and her family decided to jet to the wedding. There were maybe 15 people there. It may well be that they (like your daughter) look back and say, dang I wish we had done something different so (his) family could be there. They may not. We still see them and talk to them. I refuse to let their choosing to do a wedding that could not involve me or the kids to harm my relationship with my brother and his wife. If you can find a way to talk to her and let her know that she needs to respect her brothers’ decisions (to not attend) and them to respect hers (to have a destination wedding). This kind of thing can fester for years– I would hate that to happen.
In fact there is a rumor my brother and wife will be in town before end of year. I am hoping that works out. We would love to see him. It will be better if they have another “announcement” about family, but who knows.
mom2alex&max
November 24th, 2009
9:14 pm
I know that this is off-topic, but I always had issues with destination weddings. They seem rude, selfish, and unnecessary. They expect people to use up their vacation time and money on THEIR thing. If a place is that special to the couple, go there on your honeymoon!!!!
catlady
November 25th, 2009
6:20 am
The groom’s family has some old ties to the place. I believe it was his decision. It just hurts because the 3 kids have always been very very close, and the bride knew the other two had been unemployed significant amounts of time, are living hand to mouth, and have small children. Plus, I am puzzled, as the bride has always been an attention magnet. That she would spend so much money and only have 14 people there (who have spent every last cent they did not have) makes me think it is more the groom’s idea.
Ah, well, like all the other stuff, I will deal. I just wish I drank. It might make it less stressful. Sometimes you smile through tears.
Audrey
November 25th, 2009
8:32 am
@ catlady – sounds like you really raised your daughter with her values and priorities in place. Not!
David
November 25th, 2009
8:42 am
I can see why no one in her family wants blkshepherd there for Thanksgiving. Wow, what a downer. She’d ruin any happy family get-together.
JJ
November 25th, 2009
8:50 am
DAMN After reading these posts, I’m even MORE thankful for MY family. Small as it may be, there is no one getting drunk, no one offending anyone, no one complaining about the meal, no one getting stressed out about what’s being served, etc. AND I only have a 30 minute drive to my Mom’s.
There is laughter, noise, more laughter, more noise, and some football!!!!
NOW, driving down to pick up my daughter yesterday, oh my god. The traffic. Going down 75 south at 2:30 in the afternoon, was ok. As soon as I hit 75 off of 675, I crawled for about 20 minutes, then the traffic broke up around Eagles Landing. But coming home, in the same area, we SAT STILL on the highway for 30 minutes. Some inconsiderate driver decided to mess up the entire interstate!!!!! Thankfully, we weren’t going south at that point, because the southbound traffic was backed up a good 8 miles….this was down by Locust Grove, I675…..so basically a four hour round trip turned into 6.5 hours. But, again, I was with my daughter, and we enjoyed each other’s company and we talked A LOT!!!!!!
Happy Thanksgiving to all. I hope you all make it out alive…..!!!!
deidre_NC
November 25th, 2009
10:40 am
penguim mom i am doing the same on my facebook lol..and there have been days when its hard to be truly thankful..ut with some thought and memories i have been able to come up with something each day..because there are things i am truly thankful for..i really try to do this each day in my prayers..give thanks to god for things…i have several friends who are also posting ‘thankful for’ things on their facebooks each day.
as far family day..i think i will post that under a different name :)
deidre_NC
November 25th, 2009
10:46 am
audrey i hope i misread that…if it was meant as it sounded it wasnt very nice…catlady..im sorry…just let it go and try to relax…a wedding is for the bride and groom…if they want people to come then they need to make it possible..if they dont they have no right to get mad…
no way will i post my name here lol
November 25th, 2009
10:55 am
ok..its so nice to read of others dysfunctional families…mine is right up there…lets see…we have the gay one and their partner..we have the racist ones..and we have the ones who have significant others of other races…we have the raging alcoholics who at some point have to make a racist or anti gay remark which starts the bi-annual family fight…then we have the ones who turn the music up louder and louder so they dont have to listen to the fighting which just makes the fighting louder…then we have the meloncholy drunks…who start remembering everyone that has died in the last 20 years and is not there anymore…(there has been no death in 10 years but this still happens) then we have the ones who can top anything you say..you have cancer? they have worse cancer….you are borke..they are broker.you remodeled your bathroom? they remodelled their whole house…etc…you get the drigt lol…your kid does drugs? theirs does more…yours got a scholarship? theirs got 2…and so on and so oan….NOW!! I LOVE MY FAMILY i swear i do lmao….its like a circus at any holiday time….if i get to go..i dont drink so i know i can drive away if i need to (learned that lesson several years ago when i was stuck because i had had 1 drink) and the one drink i had was because a close family member said i was making them look like an alcoholic (which they are) because i wouldnt drink and they were…(shaking my head here lol) so i did have a drink..only to have THE fight break out 30 minutes later and i was stuck cause i never drive if ive been drinking at all….so i go..stay til i know its all fixing to start…and then i leave…i would never have my family here becuae then i would be truly stuck…
that all sounds like i have a terrible family..i dont…they would all give any of us the shirt off their backs…we all love each other to death…we are just completely dysfunctional and several are alcoholics…
motherjanegoose
November 25th, 2009
11:21 am
@ JJ…this is why I do not want to drive to Florida to visit my Dad; TRAFFIC!
I am going to see him next month. He is the closest family member…an 8 hour drive one way.
Alch
November 25th, 2009
1:05 pm
@JJ College students are off for the Thanksgiving break (most have the entire week off) and most of them go home. Maybe your daughter chose not to come home??
JJ
November 25th, 2009
1:21 pm
Alch – first of all DUH…second of all she did come home with me, as I went to get her. Did you not read my entire comment?
Langfeldt Parthenia
November 27th, 2009
12:12 am
Wow , it is Thanksgiving Day! I’m enjoying my extra day off, and I am planning to doing something fun that’ll probably involve a car trip and seeing something new in Rose Hill I haven’t seen yet.
You write something new at Thanksgiving?
FCM
November 27th, 2009
10:42 am
Back from the ‘rents. We survived. No alcohol. About 30-45 min after I arrived my mother started her annual diatribe about needing to 2 fridges and 2 ovens for the one day. Apparently she has to cook everything early and then let the “&^%#” bird have the oven forever so you cannot do anything else.
I said, Mom you do this every year. Next year you have a choice, I can not come for dinner or we can go out. Your dad loves the turkey! So I told her I would go buy him a turkey. She claims you cannot just buy a cooked turkey but she is wrong. The kids each at a slice, as did my mother and I. Dad of course why we didn’t take more.
Then Mom started on the it takes forever to cook but 30 min to eat. I told her she had a choice, she could continue the martyr act and complain in which case I was leaving right then OR she could focus on the positive that we were healthy and at her house.
That evening she said something else negative about the holiday. That it should be for family time and not her giving up her day off to do the cooking etc…..I asked if it was really about family. She said yes, so I said then can we have hamburgers or something we all actually like to eat next year?
She burst out laughing. She asked if it were just the kids and I at home what we would do. I said, not sure but we would eat when we felt like it not on some crazy regimented schedule. I then pointed out the few times I spent the holiday at others and how much more relaxed it was since the rigidity I grew up with was not there.
She pointed out she was doing this for my kids so the would have memories of the holidays. I said, we do this every year. You work so hard and feel so under appreciated because of something you set up in your own mind. Either we cater it next year, or we go out. I will not show up at all if you spend the day cooking and I have to listen to this again. It is in your control to decide if you let it be a good thing or a bad one. The memories I choose to give my children are calm peaceful ones. Not the ones I have (or my mother has) which have caused us both to agree would HATE Thanksgiving.
Thank you to the board, when I realized this was common I chose to talk to friends. They suggested the cater/go out. I then had a talk with someone I had an “issue” with the night before Thanksgiving. We worked it out and things seem fine. That made me realize that just laying it out there instead of enduring yet another holiday of anguish would be the right thing.
Breakfast this morning started on the tense schedule of “we’re ready to leave where are you people? Why can’t you get up (7:30-8) and be with us…..” I calmly said “I have keys I can lock up, you guys go ahead and do what you want. We will not have the anxiety of rush/rush just to go get coffee and danish.” Well, that chilled them a bit. The kids over their hot cocoa let my folks know they like the less rigid easy going pace of our house better. We don’t get nuts about breakfast being ready right after we get up. In fact we sometimes decide to make breakfast at 10 — my parents flipped that that was too close to lunch….the kids said no we eat lunch at 2 or 3 then dinner at 7 if we feel like or we just have a healthy light snack.
Parenting styles have changed I suppose. Or the busier lifestyle made some things less normal. OR maybe the blog thinks I am nuts. That is ok too.
As we parted, I told my Mom to go enjoy her 3 days off from work. She claimed she never gets to enjoy her time off that it is rush/rush. So I said, its 3 days don’t decide to fill them with chores, choose what you want for downtime and do it. She had 3 days where the kids and I would not even call her. Then my eldest said “She wants time without Grandpa, he likes to fill the day with going and doing stuff. No sitting down.” Out of the mouths of babes!
FCM
November 27th, 2009
10:45 am
ROFL. She just called me. She is cleaning the mirrors in the house. SO GLAD I am home.
motherjanegoose
November 27th, 2009
10:58 am
FCM…how is it that you get to post such a long post and mine get kicked out….haha
FCM
November 27th, 2009
12:35 pm
MJG we both have the gift of gab I suppose. Not sure the elective process of the server though.
catlady
November 28th, 2009
8:56 am
deidre,thanks. I think her values are ok, altho I don’t always agree with her. She doesn’t suffer fools lightly, that’s for sure. I had expected that she would want a big to-do for the wedding but she and the groom prefer this way. And, Audrey, they are paying for everything but the flights (villa, food, ground transportation). It is part of her learning experience that wishing for something does not make it so.
Each of my three have had vastly different weddings. All of them have married as adults (30, 27, 24) so they could have what they wanted and could afford. Oldest daughter had a pretty traditional wedding. Son had an outdoor, camp-out wedding where 100 people walked in a mile in the summer for the ceremony and cookout/campout on the Ivy River (near Jupiter, NC, deidre), which went on for a week before the wedding. (5 dogs also attended, and got along!) And now, the youngest, with a small destination-type wedding.
Everyone had a great time for the day on Thanksgiving. No one was grossly overworked or inconvenienced, everyone pitched in to bring and clean up, the grandchildren played happily, conversation and laughter flowed. Those who “married in” were swept up in it, too.
FCM, I can really relate on your story. My mom used to do the same thing. Now, I miss her. Try to laugh about it if you can. My kids told stories yesterday about Thanksgiving (and other visits) at Grandmother’s. It was years into adulthood before I understood that not everyone had the kind of Thanksgivings we had.
Best wishes to everyone.
quotewoman
November 28th, 2009
9:30 am
Here’s a quote for the day: “To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joy. We live outside the touch of time.” (by Clara Ortega)
Happy Thanksgiving All !
Uconn
November 28th, 2009
11:02 pm
I would give ANYTHING for my family at thanksgiving… My dad passed away on Monday 11/23 … I thought that I would be emailing theresa for advice on how to deal with loved ones needing heart transplants… Not meant to be… Appreciate the family that you have… as annoying as they are… They are the best…
nurse&mother
November 29th, 2009
11:43 am
Uconn, I am sorry to hear that. I definitely appreciate my family. My dad passed away when I was 12. It’s hard to fathom that 24 years has passed. I hope time will help you to heal.
@ No name- thanks so much for the laugh of the day. That is so bad it’s hilarious!! You gotta look back and laugh your rear end off!
motherjanegoose
November 29th, 2009
2:14 pm
@ Uconn…I am so sorry for your loss and know you miss your Dad.
There is annoying and there is ANNOYING. My Mom passed away over 12 years ago and none of three sisters ( all adults) even miss her. Isn’t that awful? We do not have any fond memories that stir our hearts during the holidays…only heartbreakingly sad ones and we know most everyone else could not even relate to our situation. A real shame.
I know it would break my heart if my kids felt the way ( I do about my mother) towards me!
FCM
November 29th, 2009
9:00 pm
@ UCONN many hugs and prayers of peace in this time.
I do appreciate my Mom, her cooking, her love, her being. I just long for a peaceful gathering when the family is together.
I broke my promise to her last night. We were in her neck of the woods with some friends. The friends and I had decided to eat a place I know my folks enjoy. They met us at the restaurant and we had a delightful time together. So different from the days just prior. :)
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
November 30th, 2009
10:56 am
uCONN — I just caught up on the comments — I am sorry to hear about your dad. We are so lucky and blessed that my brother was able to get to a new heart but it has been a rough rough road. We couldn’t be with him this Thanksgiving because he’s so afraid of picking up germs from kids. We celebrated separately but I called him and cried and told him I was most Thankful this Thanksgiving that he had his new heart and is alive! It is truly a miracle. He had a biopsy this morning. We’re waiting to hear if he’s in rejection or OK — so still stressful. Uconn I hope you made it through the holiday Ok — I’ll be thinking about you!
nurse&mother
November 30th, 2009
1:51 pm
Theresa, I was wondering how your brother was doing. I remember that he had a REALLY rough recovery. I hope he gets good news.
BTW, how was your Black Friday experience?