How often are you getting out?
(To avoid confusing my seafood man at the Publix I will clarify the blog schedule for this week and next. Theresa will be writing Monday and Tuesday of this week and then Keith will fill in Wednesday to the next Wednesday. I will have one blog during that time because we swapped out the Halloween one for a blog to be named later. If you get confused, just look at the byline to know which one of us is writing.)
My girlfriend in Buckhead goes out once a week for a girls’ night. It’s costing her a fortune because her friends don’t choose Waffle House, but her sanity seems intact.
I have another friend on Facebook who goes hiking with her girlfriends on her day off. Now you know I wouldn’t choose that particular activity but how luxurious to have an entire day with your friends. (She also has a nanny, which is how she can leave for an entire day and not worry about kids getting off the bus – also luxurious.)
I realized after my friend told me that she was getting out once a week that the last time I went out to dinner with friends was for my birthday — in April!
I am definitely feeling the need to get out of the house and do something, anything. Well almost anything.
My best girlfriends in Gwinnett are planning a little get together — something I should be excited about.
Their big plan … to make soap. Yes, ladies soap – like from lye and other harsh boiling ingredients.
While this activity doesn’t cost much to do, it does cost me asking Michael to babysit for me to go. I’m not wasting that on making soap.
Even Michael is getting out. He joined a basketball league and has been playing ball every Monday night and will start games on Friday nights this winter. I am excited for him to have such a fun activity that’s good for him with guys he likes. But I am also terribly jealous that he has something special to do that he enjoys just for himself.
I had hoped this weekend to make it to the new Michael Jackson movie but between sick kids and Halloween it didn’t happen. Of course!
I’m not super picky about going out, here are my criteria:
- Can’t cost a fortune
- Wouldn’t mind going alone
- Wouldn’t mind taking a class (There’s a dance studio down the street. That seems like a healthy thing to do. Or a cooking class on Saturday mornings now that UGA stinks and Michael is angry at them.)
- Maybe I need to make Wednesday night my night. (Monday is Girl Scouts, Tuesday is Cub Scouts, Thursday is church scouts and Friday is collapse scouts.)
- Even willing to sit alone at a Mexican restaurant read a book and gorge on chips and cheese.
How often are you getting out? How do you arrange it? What do you do? Would you rather have time alone or with friends? Is it regularly scheduled — does that make it actually happen? Would you make the soap? Make me feel better – tell me you’re not getting out either.
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92 comments Add your comment
Jesse's Girl
November 2nd, 2009
9:32 am
OMG…please tell me you did not just say you have to ASK your husband….the giver of the DNA that helped make your precious children possible…to freaking BABYSIT!!!!! For the love of pete and chicken Theresa!!!!! Does he ask YOU to babysit the kiddos while he goes to practice? Will he ask you when the games roll around? Why is it that you feel it neccessary to ask him? This really burns my biscuits!!!
Jesse will ask me if I mind if he does this or that…checking to make sure we don’t have a family thing scheduled. And I will ask if he minds when I do my thing….but we certainly don’t feel the need to ask eachother to watch our own kids!!!! Its kind of a given. We communicate!!! Is Michael making you feel as if you need to ask? There’s checking in to be considerate…and then there’s a line….and you guys are a bit too close to it. If he feels free to do his thing and expects you to be a mom…why aren’t you feeling that same freedom?
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
November 2nd, 2009
9:34 am
he would say I don’t need to ask.
Jesse's Girl
November 2nd, 2009
9:42 am
But does he ask you if you mind when he goes out for practices….UGA games…whatever else floats his boat? If he feels its an unspoken rule that you simply will…that is the line.
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
November 2nd, 2009
9:45 am
I think the reason is not going out is more because there seems like there’s always something going on and I can’t get away and also lack of friends willing to do something.
DB
November 2nd, 2009
9:47 am
Ha, JG, you took the words right out of my mouth! “Babysitting” is for the teenage girl down the street (or boy, if we’re being equal-opportunity). It is NOT used to refer to the children’s father! THAT’S called “my turn”.
Theresa, between football and Michael’s basketball league, you are DEFINITELY due some scheduled time off! I bet he wasn’t worried about Girl Scouts when he signed up for the league! Take Wednesday, and save your sanity.
I didn’t have regularly scheduled “days off”, but at least once a week, I’d be out the door. My favorite place was the book store, where I’d spend two blessedly quiet hours browsing and then meet a girlfriend when she got off work for a quick drink. My group of friends had weekends at Monteagle, the lake, outlet shopping in Boze (back before Commerce and Dawsonville!), church retreats, etc. Never did I feel guilty.
Becky
November 2nd, 2009
9:55 am
Others beat me to it..Michael should not have to be asked to babysit..I don’t even have to ask my husband to watch the grandkids and they aren’t blood related to him..He just does..During the summer, he alters his work schedule to keep them..I usually get 1-2 nights per month to myself when the husband goes out of town to work..
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
November 2nd, 2009
9:58 am
I think Michael would have no problem with me leaving to go out -I’m just always looking for the perfect time where I’m not leaving anyone in the lurch — kids or Michael — and there doesn’t seem to be that time –so i never go.
SouthFultonMom
November 2nd, 2009
10:01 am
I go out every couple of months with friends. My kids have hectic schedules, so it doesn’t leave either of us time to do much else. My husband isn’t the problem, my daughter is. She couldn’t believe it a couple of weeks ago when I refused to drive her and her friends to Lenox because I had ALREADY made plans with a girlfriend. She just assumed I had nothing more to do after working all week! I got a good laugh out of that one. Friends that get out every week are indeed lucky. I’m thinking of having a wine party with the kids and hubby out of the house. Nothing but good friends, good wine and good conversation.
new mom
November 2nd, 2009
10:01 am
Morning everyone!
Yes I’m alive :) And finally have a few minutes to read the blog and try to catch up. Hope all of y’all are doing well! Things are quite busy here, but our baby is such a sweet, laid back soul that she’s making the added craziness a pleasure. And our 2-yr old’s reaction to the baby is priceless. She just adores her, wanting to hug and kiss her all day long. Instead of a jealousy problem, we just try to prevent any accidental ‘mushing’ of the baby!
Theresa, this won’t make you feel better, but my answer is: as often as I can!! When our first was born, I realized, after about 3 months, that I had practically become a shut-in. It was just easier to stay home then to try to either arrange for my mom to sit, or pack up baby, and time it all between the constant feedings. Older and wiser, I now try to get out by myself at least twice a week. Now this isn’t for ‘fun’ stuff necessarily, I consider running to publix by myself a treat!!!! But in the last 5 weeks I have had a pedicure, done some Christmas shopping, and gone out with another mom friend just to bum around and be outside for a couple of hours. And I am very thankful to have my mom close by who loves to babysit, and my husband who never minds handling the girls while I go out. We check each others’ schedules, but he also realizes how important it is for me to stay sane and get out of the house often.
I have to agree, making soap doesn’t sound like fun. Shopping for soap, maybe ;) I don’t know how close you are with your neighbors, but our group of neighbors gets together once every month or two at someone’s house just to hang out. The hostess might provide a dish or two, and a bottle of wine, and everyone brings something, either an appetizer or dessert, or a drink. We will hang out for 3-4 hours and laugh and not have any responsibilities for a while, just relax and catch up with each other. It’s cheap, easy, and close by.
ps–Theresa, check your email, I finally did it. I’m on facebook. the end must be near… ;)
DB
November 2nd, 2009
10:03 am
Theresa, that’s very considerate — but you are going to “considerate” yourself into the funny farm if you don’t take some time for yourself. Remember: “Perfection is the enemy of the good.” It will never be a perfect time. Too bad — Michael can cope if it’s not “perfect”!
new mom
November 2nd, 2009
10:05 am
Theresa, you and I need to get out when our 2 yr olds are in preschool–you let me know when, and I’ll arrange for my mom to sit w/ our baby. We could shop or whatever! And you can come to our neighborhood ladies night whenever you want, it’s not strictly for neighbors only. You’d just have to drive out to my neck of the woods!
Christina
November 2nd, 2009
10:09 am
We don’t get out much. Aside from a weekend anniversary trip to Charleston, I think I can top Theresa. The last time I went out was a lunch with a friend (and both our babies) last February/March. For us, it’s more a money thing. For the most part, our budget is much more strict than any of our friends’ budgets (despite the fact we make more money than some of them–just priorities I guess). My husband went out last week for the first time in months (it’s not a one-way street on the lack of outings) and sipped his beer very slowly while his friends worked on four rounds. Volunteering to be the DD makes for an easy excuse to not buy round after round. :)
We haven’t even been to a movie since July 2008. We just can’t justify spending $20/week to have drinks with friends . . . or even $25/month for the two of us to see a movie (together or separately, with friends).
But, our son is in bed every night at 8 and has no extracurriculars, seeing as he’s not even one and a half. So we do have the ability to recharge at home in the evenings. For us, that’s enough.
New Stepmom
November 2nd, 2009
10:09 am
I am already looking at gyms with childcare at them so that when I am cleared to exercise after our bundle arrives, I can take that time for myself 3 times a week. I already feel fat, even though at this point, I am the only one that sees or feels it. So I am trying to be proactive about getting back in shape ;o)!
Right now, I am able to go out about once a week with the girls, usually to dinner. That usually takes place on the weeknight that the hubs has his daughter for dinner, so it works out. Once our baby gets here, we will see. I am hoping to still be able to get out with some of my favorite girlies every couple of weeks or like New Mom said, just go to Publix by myself.
anne
November 2nd, 2009
10:10 am
Theresa – there is no perfect time. Just do it! And do it for your own sanity.
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
November 2nd, 2009
10:13 am
She hasn’t been in school in months —- the school closed for two weeks cause of the flood and then I kept her out two weeks because I wasn’t sure of the air quality after the flood and then she’s been sick so I literally haven’t had a break from my little friend in quite a while — she’s been to school like 2 morning in the last month and a half and I don’t know if she can go tomorrow because she’s croupy!!
This has turned out much whinier than I anticipated —- I mentioned this statistic to Michael a few weeks ago and he said I could go out whenever I wanted just to let him know — So I think it’s more me feeling like I can’t go — he says go — but I can’t find a good time — There’s just always too much going on —— but then I feel like this — crazy!!
We’re getting in all our new kitchen stuff this week so I feel like some b@@** complaining — I shouldn’t be unhappy — The kids have been sick so much the last few weeks I guess I just need some time off —
sorry to be such a whiner — maybe I’ll go tonight to the movies after the kids are settled — like 8 somethign show — hmmmm
Christina
November 2nd, 2009
10:17 am
I also agree with newmom on getting out to do not-fun stuff. Normally I take my toddler along for weekly grocery shopping. Every once in a while, my husband “lets” me leave him home (he normally does school work for his MBA while we’re gone) and it is so liberating to shop without him! I grin and bear it for now because he is spending a lot of time on his new degree. But I am counting down until he finishes (five months to go), and that excuse is gone!
deidre_NC
November 2nd, 2009
10:18 am
theresa…i love your blog…and i have learned a lot here and im sure others have too…but girl…you have got to let those strings loosen up a little.. you dont go out because you cant find time that will not leave someone in a lurch..what that says to me is you have the need to be in control all the time…pick a time thats for you and tell your family this day/time is MY time…get used to it!!!! and then YOU stick to it…even if its going to a bookstore/coffee house-the park for a walk..whatever..just go do something. you say you dont mind going alone..then go!!!! its all up to you no one else.
im not even gonna touch the asking the dad to babysit comment (OMG!!!!)
Michelle
November 2nd, 2009
10:18 am
Well, I wish I could say I get out, but I don’t. Honestly, I don’t really have that many friends in Georgia. I have a friend in Winder who NEVER has time to do anything with me. My other friends are at least an hour away.
When I moved to GA, I drove about 3 hours/day round trip. This didn’t really leave any time for socializing. Now I only drive about 20 minutes each way, but my hours are different!
Now that my husband is FINALLY back to work, I doubt I will have time during the week to get out. Every now and then I will go to my aunt’s house, but I usually have the little one in tow, so that isn’t all that relaxing.
I do have meetings about once a month, but they are not really for pleasure. (HOA and a nurses meeting) I’m not involved in anything else.
Theresa, I would go with the girls and make soap. I don’t think it’s the activity that’s important, but the getting together. Who says you have to make it? I would just enjoy the time to relax with other women!
You could plan a library day for yourself. Just take your book and go read…or go to Border’s, buy one, and sit with some coffee!! That would be heavenly!!
Me, I don’t really like to spend too much time alone. It makes me depressed.
If you have friends, I say go out and enjoy!
deidre_NC
November 2nd, 2009
10:22 am
and when you go off to do your thing and michael is in charge…let him be in charge…dont leave him a mile long list of what to do or not to do….he is a grown man..his way may not be your way…but as long as the kids are alive when you get home then go start going on about him not doing things your way…you really need to lighten up…then your load will be lightened!
Christina
November 2nd, 2009
10:22 am
New Stepmom,
Way to be proactive! I don’t know what kind of exercise routine you have now, but keep it up! I was a runner before getting pregnant, and I never stopped running my entire pregnancy (went a week past my due date). I slowed down and didn’t run as far/long, but I kept going. I ran as late as five days after my due date, two days before I was induced.
I stayed clear of extra sodium (no canned soups, canned vegetables, frozen dinners, fast food, fries, chips, pretzels, etc) and extra sugar (except for a weekly milkshake) for my final trimester. I gained 30 pounds total, but only two in the final 13 weeks. And they all were gone by the time I went back to work, 12 weeks after delivery.
Jesse's Girl
November 2nd, 2009
10:35 am
Completely agree Deidre!!!!Our husbands don’t have to do ti like us….they just need to do it. And you don’t sound whiney Theresa….You sound like you need a break. Thats it..warn everyone on your side of town. I am planning something…:)
Ally
November 2nd, 2009
10:39 am
Are you afraid your little world will crumble without you there? Are you worried your husband isn’t capable of watching the kids for a few hours without incident? Just go – pick a night and stick to it; and if you choose not to, it’s nobody’s fault but your own.
As a side note – why do parents feel the need to have so many activities for their kids every day? I’m starting to see it more & more and it just baffles me as it seems to be the parents taking on everything and the kids just following along, thought they have no idea why!
Ally
November 2nd, 2009
10:40 am
Are you afraid your little world will crumble without you there? Are you worried your husband isn’t capable of watching the kids for a few hours without incident? Just go – pick a night and stick to it; and if you chose not to, it’s nobody’s fault but your own.
As a side note – why do parents feel the need to have so many activities for their kids every day? I’m starting to see it more & more and it just baffles me as it seems to be the parents taking on everything and the kids just following along, thought they have no idea why!
New Stepmom
November 2nd, 2009
10:43 am
Thanks Christina. I have historically been the eliptical queen and taken body sculpting classes. Right now I am sticking to brisk walks with my dog in my hilly neighborhood. I know I will need time out of the house so I am thinking the gym with good child care with be a God send. I am hoping that I may be able to stay at home for a while (the hubs ins interviewing for a job that would allow me to do that so any prayers are appreciated) and if that does happen, I cannot become the mom stays in sweats with no make up on all day every day so I am already looking at ways to volunteer and get out while allowing me to take care of our home and baby too.
new mom
November 2nd, 2009
10:47 am
Theresa, I agree w/ JG, you definitely need a break. And as awesome as your new kitchen will be, it’s ’stuff’ and doesn’t take the place of your emotional needs and sanity. Plus, surviving a remodel will test your sanity even more!
Can your mom watch your little one even if/when she’s sick, so you can get out? If so, what about either the morning of friday the 6th or the morning of friday the 13th? You will be a better mommy when you get out, if that helps with any of that mommy-guilt we all get from time to time. :)
Christina
November 2nd, 2009
10:48 am
Good for you, New Stepmom! Definitely pave the way now to allow you to stay home if you want. It’s so much harder to decide you want to be home and then figure out how to make the change after the baby comes. At least if you have the financial means to allow yourself the option, maybe you won’t have to scramble.
Sarah
November 2nd, 2009
10:49 am
Aren’t they Michael’s kids too? He should be willing and excited about staying with them. Bonding is very important.
Sarah
November 2nd, 2009
10:54 am
Do you and Michael ever get to go out together? I try to make sure that my daughter knows that I will be there is a minute if she and her husband want to go out. It took a while to convince them that I was ok with it because they thought that they were taking too much of my time. Do you have a relative around that could help out too?
Kathy
November 2nd, 2009
10:59 am
New Stepmom…..be very wary of the gym daycares. The are not always the cleanest and the staff is not always well trained. Have you thought about investing in a really good jog stroller? I know that not every one is a runner, but you could walk and push the baby. Believe me, the bigger they get, the better workout you get!! When Little E was born, my dad got me a fabulous jog stroller so that I could start running again. The fresh air was good for her and I would talk and sing to her as I ran. Now that she is older, she still rides in the jogger and she talks and sings to me!
Now on topic…..I have a husband that understands that for our house to be harmonious, mommy needs time to herself! My husband hates to shop. He would rather stay home and play with Little E while I do the shopping. I go out with my girlfriends every once in a while. I go to Stone Mountain every weekend to do my long runs. Just having those runs is wonderful. I go scrapbook with my girlfriends once a month as well. My husband always says to me, “If something is important to you, you will find a way to make it happen.” If having time to your self, with girlfriends or whatever is important to you, than you should find a way to make it happen.
Stephanie
November 2nd, 2009
11:06 am
Theresa- I am so with you on this one! I do not even remember the last time that I went without the kids. I also feel like I have to ask my DH and he will moan and groan and the 2 year old will cry the whole time Im gone, so it doesnt even seem worth it. I fantasize about being alone though- your idea of reading a book and eating Mexican sounds heavenly! As your topic the other day stated- I do not think one values time alone until one has kids and it is gone!
Dr. Horrible
November 2nd, 2009
11:07 am
My wife goes out more than I do. I don’t mind really, as I am happy staying at home taking care of the kids and playing my gaming consoles.
My wife is excited about buying tickets for the upcoming Bon Jovi concert. She goes just about every year, and she also goes with her friends to the New Kids concert. I wouldn’t be caught dead at either one of those concerts….well Bon Jovi is ok….but she loves to go with her friends and I love to see her happy to be going.
New Stepmom
November 2nd, 2009
11:09 am
Kathy, thanks for the head’s up. The gym I am most interested in is part of a church that has an accredited daycare that has a drop in service. I have heard of horror stories and will avoid those! I will keep walking on non gym days too!
penguinmom
November 2nd, 2009
11:25 am
Theresa, with your busy schedule you need to actually Schedule at least one day a month for you to go out. Pick a day, say the 2nd Wednesday. Put it on your calendar and keep to it. The first few times you should schedule with someone to go out together so that you will keep the date. After that, it should start to become a habit.
All of my friends know that I’m the one to contact if they want to go out spur of the moment. I have a 13-yr-old now so can leave the kids home and meet my friends if I wish. I live in Gwinnett so feel free to contact me if your friends can’t go out with you.
I go out once a month to a home school mom’s meeting and stay as late as I can. Plus, I try to get out at least once or twice a month alone or with friends. I am fortunate that our oldest is now 13 so I can actually leave all 3 home alone and go out on a date with my husband without paying anyone. Heavenly.
Hunter of MILF
November 2nd, 2009
11:26 am
@Ladies
I am free any day of the week. Just say when. Seriously.
Andrea
November 2nd, 2009
11:37 am
I do have to agree with the other posters here. It just may have been a poor choice of words but to have to “ask” your husband to watch his own kids is horrific!
Now, I think you are just having control issues. There is no way I am inclined to believe you haven’t had the time to do something for yourself. As much as you schedule everything, you could have scheduled some time for yourself. You really sound like you need it.
Just a suggestion but surely there is something else you can do besides soap making. I am sure it is a lovely hobby and you do get something you can take home with you, but certainly you must have one interest that is not related to any domestic activity. I say check out the hot spots in town (on the price fixe or discount night so maybe more people would be inclined to go with you) and put on a sexy dress and GET YOUR MOJO BACK!
I am all for having ME time. It is important for your own mental health. If I can schedule me time and I am a single parent, surely you can too! Good Luck!
anne
November 2nd, 2009
11:50 am
Theresa – one approach that worked for me (and I’m a single Mom) was to hire a neighbor child to come in 2 afternoons a week (for 1.5 – 2 hours) after we got home. Her job was to watch/play with my daughter. Some afternoons I just started cooking dinner. Other afternoons, I sat and read a book. My daughter was home and having a great time and I was getting some time for me.
JATL
November 2nd, 2009
11:53 am
Good lord Theresa! I agree with what others have said, and I’m REALLY glad Michael would say you needn’t “ask” -so DON’T! Go sign up for that Wednesday class or just tell him you’re going out -whether it’s to a movie, with friends or to gorge in peace with a book at the Mexican place. I would be crazier than I already feel if I didn’t get out!
This has been a serious issue for me lately. When we had our children we had my parents and my mother-in-law right here in town and my folks an hour away and willing to meet or come up or have at least one kid down there almost anytime. My mother died rather suddenly recently, and in addition to being horribly sad and blindsided by that, I have REALLY had to make some huge adjustments because it requires a lot more to go out now (or to take some contract work, etc.). My husband is VERY good about urging me to go out while he stays with the kids, and I do get together a good bit with girlfriends, but it’s now extremely hard for my husband and me to have a date! My father isn’t going to babysit -period -and my mother-in-law really only wants one at a time, which is understandable because they’re really young and a handful. With sitter prices what they are -we have to really cut down. BUT at least we are going out on our own with others to stave off complete insanity! Also, I have two friends who we trade off babysitting services with whenever possible, so I highly recommend that if you have the opportunity -it can be once a month or however much families agree on, but it’s a great way to get out without paying a sitter!
Emma Carlton
November 2nd, 2009
12:02 pm
I get out about once or twice a month. I jointed a saddle club. I don’t ride and have no intentions in learning, but it’s nice being with someone over the age of 12. And afterward I feel better and happier. so do my family.
catlady
November 2nd, 2009
12:21 pm
Getting out of what?
And, Teresa, your “seafood man”? Is he a cold fish or a crab?
catlady
November 2nd, 2009
12:24 pm
Teresa, re your 9:58: that’s why there are TWO adults in the house.
Hunter of MILF
November 2nd, 2009
12:31 pm
@anne
How ya doin?
Photius
November 2nd, 2009
12:36 pm
Unemployement roaring past 10%….. 15 million people out of work…. millions more earning a lot less than they were a year ago underemployed….. A suburban stay-at-home mom with a blog is whining about not getting to go out…. If that’s the biggest issue you have in your life, count yourself lucky. Personally, take a look around at what’s happening to good people and be thankful for what you have.
lmno
November 2nd, 2009
12:38 pm
I wish my wife went out more. She doesn’t seem to ever plan anything at all. ABout once a quarter, I take off for a weekend in the woods. I wish she would do that sort of thing. Or just go to a movie with a friend. Once I even called her friend and told her that I would secretly give her money and she could call and ask my wife to join her for dinner or a day at a spa or something. She called and my wife turned her down. I don’t know. She says she doesn’t want to spend time away from the kid and I. A couple of weekends ago I volenteered to take the boy to a chuck e. cheese birthday party (My idea of hell) and told her to do something fun. I thought I was sacrificing for her. She, instead, spent the whole day cleaning the house.
Tig
November 2nd, 2009
12:47 pm
I’m supposed to get out? Darnit I missed that memo… I keep saying that I’m going to find some time for myself to get out the house for some me-time, it just never seems to wind up happening :-/
Tyree
November 2nd, 2009
1:07 pm
@Imno. Sounds to me you have a wife that is very devoted to you and your child. You should be grateful.
Why don’t you take the initiative and make plans to take her out. Why not a weekend away at Biltmore or Callaway Gardens? Maybe a day trip to a mountain festival or local museum?
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
November 2nd, 2009
1:13 pm
Photius — we do have bigger things to worry about — I think especially with Michael and two kids home sick all last week I am feeling particularly stir crazy! —
As to the seafood man — I love my seafood man at Publix — Only two places in Atlanta I’ll buy seafood — my Publix man and the DeKalb Farmer’s Market — both are good and safe — and my seafood guy is always helpful!! But I digress.
Hunter of MILF
November 2nd, 2009
1:24 pm
@Theresa
How ya doin?
Denise
November 2nd, 2009
1:25 pm
I don’t think going out either alone or with friends for a few hours will leave your family in a lurch. That is the “my way is the only right way” mindset and the concern is not so much them holding up as much as it’s “oh goodness, Michael won’t put lotion on the baby before she goes to bed”. You need to get over it and learn to live as Theresa sometimes, not just mother and wife.
I have a girlfriend that works during the day and her husband works during the evening. Her husband has morning duty and she has evening duty. She always welcomes company and since the kids are in bed by 8:30 she has a few hours of “her” time alone or with friends. No, it’s not getting “out” but it is time for her to be Kim that has friends. Watching a good TV show, drinking a glass of wine, and laughing loud enough to wake the kids is just as fun as going out, to us anyway.
lmno
November 2nd, 2009
1:30 pm
Tyree, I am grateful and I do take her places like you’ve mentioned. I just wish she had a life away from me as well.
Vork
November 2nd, 2009
1:31 pm
@Denise
Excellent point about Theresa learning to live as Theresa not just mother and wife.
Most of the regulars here have a hard time understnding that motherhood, or any job in general, should be an imporant part of your life but SHOULD NOT DEFINE WHO YOU ARE.
oneofeach4me
November 2nd, 2009
1:38 pm
After 10 years of togetherness and 2 kids later.. our relationship is in trouble. Mostly because we don’t and haven’t had a good support system around us. No family to help us out.. they are all too busy feeling sorry for the single moms and babysitting so they can get a break. It’s like we are being punished because we fight against the odds everyday to stay together. And babysitters?? I have two high school girls I know that have watched the kids a few times. Problem is after we have paid the sitter and had dinner and movie or what have you.. we’ve spent about $150. We just can’t seem to justify that. So then.. when either of us tries to go out to get time to ourselves… we are both so wound up and in dire need, that we get jealous of the other and it becomes an argument. Oh this never ending carasouel…. this sucks. And to think… I just wanted to be able to work out :-(
Vork
November 2nd, 2009
1:39 pm
Curse my lagging keyboard…..that would be “underst”a”nding” an “impor”t”ant.”
New Stepmom
November 2nd, 2009
1:48 pm
@oneofeach4me $150 is less than one visit to a marriage therapist and far less than a divorce attorney. Take the plunge and spend that once in a while. Or just hire the babysitter and go walk in the park and take cheese, fruit and wine-you can do that for less than $50. Or like others have suggested trade babysitting with a friend.
We moved around a lot growing up and my mom always found community in voluteer actvities and in churches. I know church is not for everyone, but you can find great community and “support” in them if that is your thing. The majority of my friends are from church and going into the “mommyhood” and the “step-mommyhood” has been far easier with this group. If you feel un-supported, find a group of folks that have some sort of similar interests and force yourself to get involved..
Tiffany
November 2nd, 2009
1:55 pm
Lay off Theresa everyone…not everyone has a husband who is a natural “Mr. Mom” type. In a perfect world- we would all have husbands who would drop everything to watch the kids whenever we ask them to. Yes, he may have fathered them, but that doesn’t guarantee he always has a natural ability with them. Who cares if she calls it babysitting…you know what she means by the statement unless you are a moron or something. When dad watches the kids for the evening or afternoon, take it slow if you are worried about leaving them…leave them with him for an hour or so at first…build up the time after he is more comfortable doing it. The important thing is to go SOMEWHERE by yourself or with a friend, even if it is to the store. The time the kids spend with their dad is important too. Make it a regular thing if you can…Another idea is to trade babysitting with another mom…you get a couple of hours one day to go somewhere while she keeps your kids, then next week it is her turn to get out of the house while you watch her kids. Having ME TIME is important for moms…sometimes we have to force ourselves to do it! As for me, I can’t wait to see the Michael Jackson movie!
oneofeach4me
November 2nd, 2009
2:03 pm
@ New Stepmom – I agree, $150 is less. It just seems so hopeless sometimes. You know… we don’t want to leave our kids with just anyone… and we don’t have any friends that are couples with kids. We have some single parent families and couples without kids as friends, but no one who is in a similar situation to ours. We do need to make time.. I know we do. And our kids are SO used to being with us.. that they act like brats when we aren’t there. Especially the 8 yr old grl. The last time we had a babysitter.. she acted up all night long. But that’s another situation that is dealt with seperately. Thanks for the caring advice though… I never really looked at the fact it may seem expensive now, but may be a less expensive alternative to what may be if we don’t have parent bonding and “me” time.
On another note.. are there any groups you could suggest to me? I am in the Kennesaw area.
madmommy
November 2nd, 2009
2:05 pm
Let’s see. You each need to have and do your own thing, you were your own person before you had kids, no need to stop that now. He plays softball and I play soccer, so there already one day a week that we each play a sport and then if he wants to catach a game out or I have scrapbooking, we just let each other know ahead of time. We have a calendar that everything gets written down on and we just go from there.
As for couple time, we generally try to get together with our friends over at each other houses so the kids can play and we can hang out and then onces the kids are down for the count we can relax even more. It stinks that most of the time we don’t go anywhere, but with things the way they are in the world and all of us having kids, we try to save the sitters for bigger events that justify the cost of getting a sitter. It adds up quickly and most of the time it’s nice to just relax at home instead of going out, but I do miss the “romance” of going out. The getting dressed up and feeling sexy. Most of the time that’s all I am looking for, the feelings of being attractive and being looked at. Most of the time I am just tossed together and it would be nice to take the time to get dressed up to go out.
T- Just set something up and try a few things until you find what you are looking for. Don’t over look the whole soap making thing. Trust me, I thought scrapbooking was weird until I started doing it and now I look forward to spending the time with my girlfriends and getting something done at the same time. Looking for an activity? What about belly dancing classes or a bowling league? Those meet about once a week and you can sign up alone or with friends.
New mom, the jogging stroller is worth it’s weight in gold. If not for mine, I doubt I would ever find the time to run as much as I am able to. I only run with her once or twice a week now, but it is fun for both her and I. We pass a play ground so she gets some outside time and I get a great workout in the process. You’ll figure it out. Heck, I even do workout tapes on the days I can’t get out and run. Just have to do it and stick with it. My little one knows all about working out and that you do it everyday unless your knee hurts. Then she wants her own ice pack. :-)
Christina
November 2nd, 2009
2:06 pm
oneofeach4me: In addition to what other posters here might be able to offer in the way of groups, you might check atlanta.momslikeme.com. They have regular meet-ups, play groups and ladies’ outings.
Monica H.
November 2nd, 2009
2:07 pm
SINGLE MOM IN THE HOUSE! Get out??? What’s that???
The last time I went out – hmmmm…..as I sit here looking at the screen, I truly cannot remember. And I’m trying really hard!
I can only come up with the mommy and me activities over the last couple of months. I have plans to hang out with friends for lunch and a movie in a couple of weeks. My issue, my daughter is only 2. Though sometimes I am about to pull my hair out, there have been times when I AM out and can only think of her. Sometimes I feel like such a bad mom for leaving her with someone else – even if it is just Granny!
But, I’m getting over myself now and trying to get out and enjoy life.
lmno
November 2nd, 2009
2:14 pm
one4each, I can sympathize with your lack of support system. We don’t have any family at all to leave the kid with. I can’t even remember the last time the two of us went somewhere without him.
But as far as leaving the kids with your husband and going to do something without any of them, I wouldn’t feel any guilt about it and if he gets jealous, thats his problem, not yours.
I think a lot of relationships suffer from one or both partners becoming score keepers. “I gave the kids a bath and cooked dinner, therefore you have to help with homework”. No one wants to hear the score. The end result is you want your spouse to do something. Just ask them to do it without informing them of what is you have done. Either way, they do the task, but one way leads to resentment.
I would much rather my wife just say, “give the kid a bath” than, “Since I cooked dinner, you give the kid a bath”. I know who cooked dinner, I was there.
New Stepmom
November 2nd, 2009
2:21 pm
@oneofeach4me-Would any of your single parent friends trade babysitting? I’ll bet they are looking for alone time too. What about asking some of your single friends (don’t take advantage, but when I was single I had fun with my friend’s kids)-they might enjoy time playing and acting like a kid themselves.
5 years later, I still see my husband and step-child deal with the ravages of divorce and we still pay for it financially too. Anytime we change anything we have to hire an attorney and it adds up quickly. I know $150 is a lot of money, but $750 for 2 hours of an attorney’s time is a lot more. Obviously, I am glad my husband and I are together, but do anything you can to keep your marriage strong. My husband and his first wife lived completely parallel lives before thier divorce and it ruined thier marriage.
I do not know the Kennesaw area well, but google mom’s clubs, book clubs, service clubs. Cobb County Junior League is fabulous and I have several friends who are extremely involved in it and rewarded by the volunteerism they do and their are fun couple activities too_I know some will poopoo the idea of Junior league and that is fine, it is just a suggestion. Woodstock Baptist church is huge and I would check out their website and see what sort of mom’s groups they may have. Our church has a craft club for moms that has very little to do with the Bible (if that is not your thing), but it is a chance for mom’s to get together and do something fun.
Make a list of what you did prior to being married that made your heart sing, find something on that list that you can turn into something for you and your spouse to do together.
My stepdaughter was apalled the first time her dad and I dared leave her with a babysitter. We gave her a no nonsense talk that we needed a night out and she could act like a butt if she wanted but the consequences would be not fun if she did. We let her pick a movie, a game and her meal and it worked out fine.
Good luck and if you want my email to talk more, Theresa has it. It sounds like your 8 yo may be a lot like my 10yo step daughter….
mom2alex&max
November 2nd, 2009
2:34 pm
Theresa, u know darn well that Michael has NO problem at all staying with the kids for an evening a month or two. I think you might be the one that’s having trouble letting go.
My husband and boys LOVE it when I go out, they call it “guy time”.
pws
November 2nd, 2009
2:42 pm
Why do you think the bulldogs “stink”? Just because for once they are just average, you DAWGS fans think they stink. Typical fair weather, UGAG fans!
Denise
November 2nd, 2009
2:52 pm
To a certain degree I don’t mind keeping the friends’ kids. ON OCCASION. No one takes advantage, IMO, but I also don’t feel obligated. If I feel like sitting on my couch picking my nose rather than keep their kids, I will say no. It’s easy for me to do that. Now, I will admit that I’ve never said no because I actually LOVE the kids and LOVE spending time with them…and getting practice for when I finally get married and have kids (diapers and pullups suck when it’s poopie! I learned that the hard way). Trust me, if you are struggling as hard as you are to carve out some time to yourself, your friends know this and will probably be willing to help you. Everyone – married, single, with kids, without kids – needs to get out of the house sometimes to make sure life doesn’t get stale.
oneofeach4me
November 2nd, 2009
3:05 pm
@ LMNO – your post hit home with me. That is exactly what we suffer from. The keeping score thing. It started innocently enough I guess. I said I needed a break, then he wined about how he had done this and this and this so he was in just as much need as I was. That of course set off a domino effect and now, it’s a constant game and the prize goes to whoever does more… actually quite depressing.
oneofeach4me
November 2nd, 2009
3:12 pm
@ newstepmom – I would really like to talk in more detail with you withought making this blog post about me. How do I contact her to get your email address?
itpdude
November 2nd, 2009
3:13 pm
You need cooler friends who don’t blow a fortune on Buckhead places or think making soap is a night out.
Check out the hockey team there in Gwinnett. That’s a fun time for cheap and go out for drinks after with the gals.
New Stepmom
November 2nd, 2009
3:22 pm
@oneofeach4me
You can reach Theresa at ajcmomania@gmail.com. She has my email address, so drop a line anytime.
FCM
November 2nd, 2009
3:25 pm
Theresa what the heck are you doing when Lili is in MMO? You said earlier she is in pre-school a few times a week. We all told you to try a class or two of something you would like to do.
We have been telling you for ages to do things that make you happy and do not involve children.
As to Michael babysitting, they are his kids its not babysitting. Let go a bit and live a little.
Meanwhile, let me know when you have time…I hear Margarita’s calling!
(This is coming from someone who really does need a babysitter to go out. SO I spend a great deal of my lunch hour doing a ‘me’ thing).
Kat
November 2nd, 2009
3:32 pm
Oneofeach4me: There is a West Cobb group of Mothers & More that meets monthly and has playdates and all sorts of activities. Do what you want and ignore the rest. Also, Theresa, I think you should go out and “make soap.” 1) You’ve never done it before 2) It’s inexpensive 3) You get to see the fruits of your labor 4) You get out of the house Just because it doesn’t have the pull of a night out in Buckhead – overdone, expensive, etc – doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. Plus, you might eventually learn to make all those soaps that the rest of us pay $$$ for at the craft fairs that are honey/almond or lavendar/lily yummy-smelling soaps. Try something new! What’s the alternative? Staying at home in your sweats with the kids for yet another night of seething that you aren’t doing anything fun?
lmno
November 2nd, 2009
3:36 pm
oneofeach, I see that all the time. It killed my brother’s marriage. They were constantly trying to get out of something by adding the score to see if everything is even.
Who cares if everything is even? All you should care about is whether you both try. You have common goals and you both work towards them. You are a team.
You don’t see successful baseball teams bickering with one another. “I hit a homerun last night, so tonight is your night”. You cheer for one another and hope for the best. You don’t compare your “game” to theirs.
I know that is difficult, but try to stop keeping score.
oneofeach4me
November 2nd, 2009
3:40 pm
@lmno – thanks alot for that. You may have just helped save another couple from ruins. It’s greatly appreciated. I will tell him it’s time for us to be like our 3 yr olds soccer team. They never keep score, even if they kick it in the wrong goal.. everyone gets a high five!!
lmno
November 2nd, 2009
3:42 pm
Good luck. Its easier to say it than do it. But now, at least you can identify the problem when it occurs.
Cammi317
November 2nd, 2009
3:43 pm
Let’s see, I just went to my 20 year class reunion last month. Basically…very rarely do I go anywhere, with the exception of my office, without my daughter in tow. Maybe 3 or 4 times a year I get out and have dinner with a group of girlfriends, but that’s about it. work and my daughter’s activities keep me pretty busy, and in between….I SLEEP.
FCM
November 2nd, 2009
3:43 pm
“after the kids are settled” Here’s and idea. Ask Michael what night this week he will commit to doing the dinner and bedtime show with the kids. He will figure out dinner — they really won’t die if its chips and pj&j or pizza—and how to get them to bed. Again, they really won’t die if they forget to wash the back of their neck once. Then YOU plan to do whatever you want that night….for me its usually a book, movie, and dinner.
For instance: My parents always take my kids the Wednesday before Thanksgiving so I can work. I am already “planned” into my day…Tuesday I will grab dinner with a friend. Wednesday I will work until 5. I will go to the theatre and see New Moon. Then I will get dinner. The next morning I will go have breakfast and put up some Christmas stuff. I will see my children and parents around 1PM. I am not going to worry about what my kids are doing during that time. In fact, after I call to tell them I love them and be good (around 5) I will ‘forget’ I have kids for the night. Then at 1PM we will all be very happy to remember that we have parents, children, etc.
oneofeach4me
November 2nd, 2009
3:47 pm
lmno – I know it won’t be easy. Breaking any habit, no matter how determental to you, is not easy. But knowing is half the battle right? And at least I can be concious of it when I am doing it. I learned a long time ago that I cannot change those around me, I can only change myself. And sometimes changing yourself helps other see themselves.
Becky
November 2nd, 2009
3:49 pm
Of course, I would enjoy a night of making soap..A chance to learn something new..
Stephanie
November 2nd, 2009
4:03 pm
I get out a good bit, probably once every week or two. Not any set night, but it works out to be every couple weeks at least. I usually meet friends for dinner (sometimes a movie, too). I have a 1 year old and a 2 year old, and I just let my hubby know when I’ve made plans, and he does the same. He gets together with buddies to watch football, happy hour, play tennis, whatever. I actually have to encourage him sometimes to make plans, but I understand that he wants to be home with the kids after being away from them all day (me on the other hand, I’m ready for a break most days since I stay home). I agree with the posters that suggested getting neighbor friends together, have everyone bring whatever they want to drink and an appetizer, and it’s a fun easy way to destress! We do that a lot around here, especially on weekend nights when all the kids are in bed (usally girls night one night, guys get together the next so no sitters are needed).
Denise
November 2nd, 2009
4:35 pm
Becky, I thought it was just me that thought making soap sounded like fun. Make a few little Christmas gifts for the girls…
Becky
November 2nd, 2009
5:00 pm
Thanks Denise for making me not think I was the strange one wanting to make soap..
JATL
November 2nd, 2009
5:04 pm
I actually took a soap making class several years ago -and it WAS fun! Mind you, if I hadn’t had a break from the kids in a really long time, it may not be what I was dying to do, but it was fun when I did it (pre- children).
deidre_NC
November 2nd, 2009
6:29 pm
i think a soap making class would be great..ive always wanted to learn that..among other things-there is a school near me ‘the john c campbell folk school’ that has classes in all kinds of ‘forgotten life skills’ one day i will go to one..they are 2-3 days–even up to a week long classes. i just never have seemed to have to $$ for it…one day!!!
theresa i didnt mean to sound harsh..we have all pretty much agreed that you are kind of a control freak…and that hurts you more than anyone…let go and have some fun…and photius you have no idea…the fact that some people are out of a job or have lost their homes does not make theresas issue any less. she is a sahm but she does work….and there is hardly any job harder than staying home with your kids…if you havent done it you cant comment on it….at least not honestly….everyone needs to have some time to be who they are…not just mom or wife…that is a big part of who theresa is but it isnt her only self….
penguinmom
November 2nd, 2009
7:24 pm
The soap making I’ve done with the kids is not lye and harsh chemicals. It’s more like making candy. You melt the ’soap’ add a scent and possibly a color then pour it into molds to set. Fun and easy. You end up with a pretty ‘guest’ soap that you can give as a gift.
I can’t imagine doing the lye and harsh chemical version with a group. Even if it was a new skill, it’s not something I’m actually going to do at home. Are they also gathering their own potash from their fireplaces and bringing leftover fat from cooking to use in making the soap? :-)
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
November 2nd, 2009
7:50 pm
I swear they said lye!!!
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
November 2nd, 2009
7:53 pm
deidre — no hurt feelings here — I’m honestly pretty blind to my control issues until you guys starting pointing them out — I know that’s shocking — but now I know that’s something I need to work on! so that’s a good thing.
Michael is giving away out ga. tix for Saturday because he’s so disappointed in the team so I told him I’m going away on Saturday. I don’t know where I’m going but I’m leaving the house and won’t be back all day. He said totally fine. so something to look forward to —- hmmm movie, Christmas shopping, mexican restaurant with a book,,, soap making — just kidding about the last one.
motherjanegoose
November 2nd, 2009
8:00 pm
Theresa…you owe it to yourself to get out. I know you are getting a new kitchen but are you the ONLY one who will benefit….I think not.
I am looking forward to meeting DB again this month and maybe even Newmom if she is up to letting me see her new baby!
I have been working like crazy and spent 18 nights in hotels this past month…but I have also had a clean hotel room to myself and am able to go out to dinner all by myself and eat WHEN and WHERE I want. I admit that it is crazy here ( at home) when I mention going to dinner and we have to see what everyone might like. When I am on the road, I work all day and do what I want at night. No discussion and it works for me….LOL! Plus, I am on expense account!
I am not into soap making but that does not mean it would not be fun for someone else. I really just like to get together with others and visit. I typically eat with new folks once or twice a week.
When I was in Alaska, the lady that picked my up from the airport was so nice. I asked her if she wanted to have dinner with me. We were talking up the storm and the waitress kept checking on us.
She said, “wow..you must have a lot to catch up on…” I laughed and told her that we had known each other for less that an hour, so we had EVERYTHING to catch up on.
I love eating out with people and just chatting…I have been doing this for years and have met some of the nicest folks!
catlady
November 2nd, 2009
8:21 pm
I had a couple of days off in the 30 years I had children at home. When I was married, it was never. After I divorced, it was nearly never. I did have a couple of wonderful friends, while I was in grad school, who took my 3 for several hours so I could do whatever I wanted. I cried–it was so great, and so incredibly kind. I didn’t ask them–they told me they wanted to do it and to quit thinking it was too much for them. Thank you again, Chris and Laura, and Becky W. 20 years later, I still feel so thankful to you.
Vork
November 2nd, 2009
8:45 pm
Pompous Windbag ALERT!!!! at 8:00 PM Pompous Windbag ALERT!!!! at 8:00 PM Pompous Windbag ALERT!!!! at 8:00 PM
JATL
November 2nd, 2009
10:23 pm
Theresa, they probably did say “lye”. The class I took was really casual and very low-key, but we used lye and chemicals. I thought it would be scary, but it wasn’t a big deal. Anyway, it doesn’t sound like you’re breaking your neck to make soap anyway! Have fun on Saturday, and do NOT feel guilty or like you need to rush back (sometimes I get trapped by that feeling-FIGHT IT)!
lwa
November 2nd, 2009
10:38 pm
I really can’t believe that you can’t find time for yourself. You are asking for permission to leave the house and waiting for a good time to leave.
Theresa, please stop it. There is never a good time.
On Wednesday, two days from now, make the announcement that you are going to the movies and get a bite to eat. Just do it! Why do women feel so guilty. We are mother’s and wives, not slaves.
I am leaving next weekend for a church retreat. I didn’t and will never ask for permission. I am a grown woman!!! I am going to Vegas in January with girlfriends to celebrate their 40th. I just made the announcement and booking the ticket right now.
JJ
November 3rd, 2009
8:16 am
I go out with girlfriends usually twice a month. Even when my daughter was at home, I still made time for me. You have to. I go out with a group of old neighbors once a month. I go out with another group of girlfriends once a month, or at least every other month.
Making soap may not sound like fun, but no matter what we are doing, it’s a blast. We like to go paint pottery. Most places will let you bring in food and some will let you bring alcohol.
I just met with my old neighbors for mexican and margaritas last Friday night,…….
catlady
November 3rd, 2009
12:24 pm
On the “keeping score” thread: at one point my husband charged me with it, but it is quite different if one person is doing 90% and the 10% person says you are “keeping score” if you bring it up!
HB
November 4th, 2009
12:37 am
Theresa, definitely do yourself and your family a favor and take some time for yourself. It will help you and it will allow Michael and the kids to have their own special bonding time. They need to know that he’s as important a parent as you are, and that’s not the message they’re going to get if you make it clear that it’s no biggie if Daddy goes out, but the family will fall apart if Mommy does. Michael’s supporting you getting out on your own, so just do it! No excuses!
As for soap, I’m pretty sure it requires lye or something similar to become soap if you are making it from scratch — no biggie. You could try starting with baby recipes, though. Buy a soap base or just plain unscented clear bars of glycerin soap, melt down in a double boiler and add your own jojoba oil, essence oils, herbs, whatever. The lye or other chemicals are still there, it’s just in the soap before you start. It’s like buying a log of cookie dough to decorate instead of mixing your own from scratch — either way, the dough still has baking powder and eggs.