Are your tweenagers trick-or-treating without you?
(Editor’s Note: Keith Still will be filling in for me for part of next week and the week after while we bring our kitchen back to the future. (Get it? It’s an ’80s reference because my kitchen looks like the ’80s.) But she had a burning question about Halloween so she wrote today’s topic also.)
With my eldest child’s twelfth birthday and Halloween coming up this weekend, we are once again forced to realize that our daughter is growing up.
Since beginning middle school a couple of months ago, our daughter has become much more independent and responsible. She also has a close group of increasingly-independent and responsible friends. And while life with a middle-schooler is no cake walk, it’s also not nearly as bad (so far) as I had feared.
So as birthday number twelve approaches, our “little girl” is hoping to strike out on her own this Halloween and go trick-or-treating with her friends. She has trick-or-treated with her friends in a way for years – mainly because some live down the street, and others drive to our neighborhood to go door-to-door each October 31st. The difference is that my husband and I, along with our younger daughters, are always out on the streets with our tweenager and her group. The older kids may run ahead, go through our neighbor’s wicked haunted house and socialize within eyesight, but not earshot, of the grown-ups.
Now, they want to go it all alone. Our neighborhood is safe, and there are plenty of parents out and about with their children during trick-or-treating hours. Our daughter knows many of those parents and children. The girls are wearing appropriate Halloween costumes. They are still content to be scary vampires, instead of scantily-clad vampires. Several are choosing to don the most freakish outfit imaginable to a middle schooler, opting to dress like hippies for the evening. (Although, I don’t think hippies wore jeans from Aeropostale.)
They will, of course, travel in a big group. They will be required to stick to a certain route and check in with us; and they will all carry flashlights. We are still trying to determine how often the kids must check in with the parents, and how long they can stay out trolling for sweets.
Personally, I am torn by this Halloween quandary. As proud as I am that she is growing up, I will miss trick-or-treating with her. Even with her friends in tow the past few years, Halloween still always felt like a family outing. One year – probably very soon – she will give up trick-or-treating altogether, and then I’ll be forced to reckon with the fact that she’s not just growing up – but that she’s nearly grown.
At what age did your children begin trick-or-treating on their own? What rules did you set for the first time? How far from home were they allowed to walk? How often did they check in, and how late were they allowed to stay out? At about what age do kids give up trick-or-treating altogether?
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86 comments Add your comment
JATL
October 30th, 2009
12:52 pm
@mom2alex&max -let Lisa wander around in her daze. She’s the type who goes off the deep end when the kiddos leave the nest and starts hounding the crap out of them with phone calls and visits.
LISA -we’re not sad! As I said -I love my boys; I’m glad I had them and I’m trying to enjoy every possible moment, but I am real. I am NOT trying to be my kid’s buddy, best friend or anything else other than a good mother. I have friends of my own who are grown ups. Time does fly, and it will be VERY quiet here when the little ones are older and gone, but you know what -I LOVE QUIET ALONE TIME! I’m looking forward to every stage in my children’s lives and what all we can do together AND separately during those times. So I should never have had kids because I have my own life and enjoy being alone sometime? Hmmmmm. Trust me -as someone whose mother was YOU -you may want to re-evaluate things. And I’m with DB -check your arm for strain!
Cammi317
October 30th, 2009
12:54 pm
My daughter will be 12 on December 26 and my final answer is HECK NO! Tweens get snatched off of the street every day. Why in the world would I send my 11 1/2 y/o child off in the dark to knock on people’s doors? Neighbor or not, I have no idea what people do behind their closed doors. I’d like to think that I live in a safe subdivision, but judged on what I see on http://www.ajc.com everyday….Georgia has a lot of nuts, and I am not talking about peanuts.
Photius
October 30th, 2009
1:03 pm
Cammi317… perhaps you might be one of the nuts? When do you place some trust in your child in the neighborhood where you live – at what age? 50?
Jesse's Girl
October 30th, 2009
1:06 pm
Cammi…you would have freaked out if you were with me when I let my 6 year old son ask for help in the mall by himself:) I was 5 feet behind him the whole time. But I wanted him to gain a self-trust. He asked people where the help/info desk was. I asked him after each person what kind of person he thought they were….some he thought were nice…some he didn’t like at all. But the exercise built up his instincts….the primal ones. Everyone has them…but so many parents coddle their children…squashing any natural instincts they may have. Kids MUST be able to trust their gut. Will that stop someone from snatching them? Proabaly not…but those creeps find a way no matter what. My husband and I did the same thing with our daughters. My cop-brother taught me the technique…how to coach them and how and when to intervene. Now if my kids find themselves in an iffie situation..they know what to do and how to trust their basic instincts. It was definitely nerve-wracking for us. But we were VERY close the whole time…close enough to hear the words being said. Kids need to be street smart too.
Becky
October 30th, 2009
1:07 pm
@catlady, I used to think that way about the older kids,now I just see it as a way to (hopefully) keep them out of trouble..I would like to think that if they are ToTing, they are less likely to get in trouble..Maybe I’m wishing my life away..
@Stan and JJ, come on..The only thing is, I won’t be there giving out candy..We haven’t had any kids in our neighborhood in about 5-6 years..When I first moved there about 16 years ago, there were oodles and oodles of them..Boy do I miss those days..I LOVE seeing the kids in costumes…
jennybean
October 30th, 2009
1:10 pm
Thanks for the post. I’m thinking through this same question. I think I will let my 11 1/2 y.o. go out for a while on his own with his friends. We will have them “buddy up” in pairs, so they are responsible for keeping track of each other, and tell us a route, and be back by a set time, etc. I actually think this is the best year to do it, because the independence is still a little novel/exciting for them, and they’re still (semi-secretly) into dressing up and getting candy. I think in a year or two, they won’t be interested in the trick-or-treating itself, and if they went out then, it would be more just to roam the streets (which is not a great plan for 13 yo boys). Better at that age they have a house party with a parent discreetly upstairs watching TV or reading or whatever. Teens need *more* supervision on Halloween, I think!!
Becky
October 30th, 2009
1:19 pm
@JessesGirl, I let my two do that also..They are seven and both of them can go up to people and ask directions or for help..Like you, I’m usually within 4-5 feet away from them..It has boosted his confidence(sp)..She’s not quiet as outgoing as he is..But like you said, I want them to ba able to hold their own as needed..
I grew up hearing my Mom tell us that we couldn’t do this or that..We weren’t allowed to go in water untul we learned to swim..Duh..I could go on and on, but…I have 2 nieces that are 16 & 18 and they couldn’t find there way out of a paper bag, because they were never allowed to do anything on their own while growing up..
mom2alex&max
October 30th, 2009
1:28 pm
JATL: I think u are right. Being a mom (while it’s a job I LOVE) is not the whole reason for my existence. I had a life before them, I have one now (parts of which involve them and parts that DON’T) and I will have one after they leave too.
It doesn’t make me a bad mother. Just more well rounded person.
madmommy
October 30th, 2009
1:29 pm
I think the thing to do is find balance and let it just happen. You want responsible teens and adults, then it starts at a much younger age, they don’t just wake up knowing what to do or how to be responsible. My parents gave us plenty of rope to hang ourselves with and thank goodness they did. I would rather have made a mistake at a younger age than as an adult.
Glad to hear that I am not the only one who is peeved at the driving parents. I just get so upset when I see heavy kids walking in front of their heavy parents, just makes me sad. I grew up that way and once I was on my own with my own time and money, those days were long gone. Now I get fun of for eating healthy and working out everyday. Oh well, to each’s own.
Good luck tomorrow everyone and I hope the weather holds out for at least a few hours at least. It can drizzle, I’m ok with that, but no major storms.
PURPLE CRAYON
October 30th, 2009
1:36 pm
i love women bickering about nothing….haha…i kid, i kid….i TOTALLY agree with mon2 alex&max…i think lisa will have her 35 year old sittin on the couch askin mom to fix her a bowl of soup…and a big high 5 to jessies girl.
Keith
October 30th, 2009
1:54 pm
Hey guys — Thanks for all the comments. It looks like most people let their kids start trick-or-treating on the own in 6th grade — so we’re right on target there with our daughter.
I’ll be out with our younger children for a couple of hours trick-or-treating anyway, so it’s possible we will cross paths. As long as the big kids check in once or twice and are back by 8:30 (which is when activity in our neighborhood begins to drop on Halloween), I think we will all be happy.
Hunter of MILF
October 30th, 2009
1:57 pm
@FCM
Only if you want me to go ;)
New Stepmom
October 30th, 2009
2:02 pm
THe idea fo having a child ask for help in a mall with a safety net is ingenious! My step daughter can do very little on her own and I may try this with her soon. I think that might help her self confidence and coping skills. Of course if her mom found out, I might be checking this blog out from jail. Her mom is one that falls into the “friend” category and that has caused tons o’ fun for me who came from the parents that invented responsibility and self motivation.
Becky
October 30th, 2009
2:18 pm
OK, I have a sister that was a friend to her kids..Well, the only daughter grew up to be a “exotic” dancer, had three kids that were all taken away from her..The youngest son has been in jail for about 10-11 years of his 30 yrs., he and his girlfriend have 3 girls and another baby on the way..Another sister has three boys and all of them have been in jail several times..Long story short, out of 5 sisters that I have only one wasn’t a friend to her children and who would of thunk it?? Her three children are the only ones that have never been in trouble..Of course all of the other sisters think that her kids are nerds..So, NO, I don’t think that you should try to be your childs best friend..Just my opinion..
soulfinger
October 30th, 2009
2:40 pm
Some of these comments are so judgemental. Moms, do your best, thats all you can do. Make smart choices. And be safe everyone please!!! I dont want to see any horror stories on Sunday.
Kat
October 30th, 2009
2:52 pm
Jesse’s Girl: What a great idea about the mall. That’s something that I may have to try with my kids. Thanks for sharing. As far as the friend/mom idea goes. I want to be a mom and parent, discipline and love my kids. But I also want to be a friend to the extent that my daughters will feel like they can tell me anything (like a friend), and I can still help them. I’ve got awhile before they need a “friend” like me though.
abc
October 30th, 2009
3:12 pm
If the child feels too mature to be accompanied by mommy, then chances are great that the child is too old to go trick-or-treating.
Along with the approaching teenage years comes a marked proclivity for lying and covering tracks. Their friends are partners in that, not a corrective mechanism. You can’t count on them to do what they say they will do, nor what you tell them to do, unless you supervise in person. Anyone who says otherwise either has never had teenagers, or was too naive about it to ever catch them lying. Lying is what teenagers do best.
Tina
October 30th, 2009
3:41 pm
With the weather outlook it appears most helicopter parents will be walking the kids around with an umbrella this year…sad
Cammi317
October 30th, 2009
4:23 pm
Photius, I place limited trust in my neighborhood everyday when my child gets off of her school bus and walks home. I am trusting that she is safe until I get home from work. Running around at night and being out about in the neighborhood during the day are two different things. All of the children play outside in the cul de sacs after school and on the weekends, but my daughter is not allowed to enter anyone’s home. There is a difference. Growing up we were not allowed to enter anyone’s home or ring anyone’s doorbell to see if “so and so” could come out and play either. We played with whomever was out in the neighborhood and we had boundaries. We knew if we stepped one foot off of our block (I lived in Chicago at the time), our parents would beat the tar out of us. Another difference is I had 3 sisters right under me and we were always together. Even still, I was 15 before we could go without an adult. I have one child and I do not feel badly about being safe.
Jessica
October 30th, 2009
5:00 pm
I’m not a big fan of trick-or-treating anyway, but it seems reasonable to let a twelve-year old walk around the neighborhood with friends. Because there are some people out there with bad intentions, I think all parents should remind their children to never leave one of their group behind, even if there is an argument or the kid says he/she wants to go on alone. There is safety in numbers.
Tiffany
October 30th, 2009
9:31 pm
I think y’all are missing Lisa’s point. I think she expresses a sweet sentiment toward her children. She enjoys them and actually WANTS to spend time with them, unlike some of you who just can’t get them out of the house fast enough. Believe me, the time passes far too quickly for most of us. Can’t we just enjoy having fun with our kids while they still want us around without being accused of being a helicopter parent? Lets try not to be so judgemental. I’m with Cammi317…there are a lot of nuts out there, and I am not taking any chances with my kids. It’s always better to play it safe.
motherjanegoose
October 30th, 2009
10:23 pm
WHOOHOOO…I am home after 18 nights in too many hotels this month.
PURPLE CRAYON…you made me laugh….it is refreshing when new posters enter and can make a snitty comment but then laugh at themselves.
I am all about children growing up and being independent BUT we had a child molester’s car spotted several times in our neighborhood several years ago…it was actually a very similar car color and model to my car…this was right when my daughter was 12 ish and I WAS worried about her. Since then, most of her friends get together for a party ( she usually throws it). They are all out at our clubhouse tonight for a party….a surprise birthday/Halloween party. I drove past on the way home from the airport and it looked like they were having fun.
I HATE the driving TOT parents too. We have loads of kids in our neighborhood and I would venture to say that half of them come from somewhere else. No biggy. I sit out in the yard to visit and HATE it when the lights blind me so that I cannot even see the kids on the street,
FYI…I love my daughter dearly ( my son too) but I am not her best friend, My kids have have their friends and I have mine. We enjoy doing things together and apart too! They are in and out of my schedule and that works for us!
Night all!
teach1
October 31st, 2009
7:13 am
the mall stategy can be used when driving too, as your child gets older and is ready to venture out on their own- drive through differnt parts of town as ask.. “Is this a good place top stop for gas, restroom, etc.” “Is this a good place to park? “Why” Let them evaluate the situation.
MOT
October 31st, 2009
6:19 pm
It’s sad that we all give lip service to honoring and allowing our differences, yet we bash each other’s ways of doing things and now parenting styles. Yes there are those parents who are truly bad parents, but overall, I think most parents try hard and do the best they KNOW how to do. Basically what happens is that we each take what we were “given” as examples and build on that to make it better, thus each generation gets better. But we aren’t all on the same level. Some are worse than us some are better. Why not give encouragement in nice positive ways to those who need it, not bashing them and putting them down? I have learned to NEVER compare myself to others, I only compare myself to myself, how am I compared to this time last year, last month, last week, am I a better mom, wife, etc?
I am the mom of ten, all birthed by me and my their dad is my husband of 36 years. Becoming friends with your kids usually occurs after they have hit about 21-ish, out on their own, and they then appreciate and understand more of what you did for them. Trying to be friends and buddies is setting yourself and them up for disaster when they are teens and tweens, kids need the line clearly defined for them at that age and to become their friend or buddy, smudges that line and makes it hard and thus confusing for them. BUT, I could still have fun friendly times with them too with out blurring that line.
I am the type who cried and celebrated the milestones with each and every one. And will continue, it is just who I am. I would cry as I saw them run into their new school room excited to make new friends and start the new year and realize another year older! But then by the time my husband and I got out to the car, I was asking my husband, wanna go celebrate at IHOP before you head to work? It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to celebrate. I like being in a world where there is both.
As for the question at hand: it is entirely gauged on the child, neighborhood, the family and neighborhoods standards about age, and safety etc. Yes, car toting parents and kids can be annoying both in principle and in crowding the streets with cars in motion, but what is wrong with welcoming families who may come from less desirable neighborhoods? And maybe encourage them to park and walk with the rest of you?
My youngest just turned 15, last year was her last year of true trick or treating. This year she is going with her nieces whose parents are driving to our neighborhood from theirs (one in Athens, one in Buckhead).
So let’s be nice and…..HAPPY HALLOWEEN Y’ALL!!!!
NoWayGoAway
October 31st, 2009
7:03 pm
Research “All Hallow’s Eve”.
It’s wickedness. It’s been dressed-up with consumerism, but it does not change what it really stands for.
FCM
November 1st, 2009
2:36 pm
We went to my friends’ neighborhood — yes we drove and parked there–and the people at the homes seemed thrilled to have anyone out on a nasty night. We went to about dozen houses as large group. Everyone was home and it was over for another year in about 30 minutes. Nobody was out in my area. Yes, my friend and her child went with us, as did another child. (Is there anything cuter than a 3yo who ‘gets’ a holiday for the first time?)
motherjanegoose
November 1st, 2009
3:39 pm
@ FCM….you are so correct. When I am sharing PUMPKIN TIME ( my October theme with stories and songs) with children, it is adorable to watch their little faces. My friends in Alaska tell me they were having a wonderful time with the “spooky” songs I made up.
I am ALL about anyone coming to our neighborhood and my front door. The driving through the neighborhood is what makes me cranky, I am old fashioned about children walking to get their candy and not having their parents drive them to each door.
fk
November 1st, 2009
4:46 pm
My son stopped trick or treating by middle school, his choice. He was allowed to go out with his friends the year before, unchaperoned, in the fifth grade, and I think, maybe in the 4th. We live in the middle of the n’hood, so half way thru, he stopped back to empty his “stash”. Plus, the other kids in his group had homes scattered throughout the n’hood. There were lots of parents out there, but did I reiterate about the idiot drivers who don’t slow down on this particular night. Getting hit by a car was far more likely an occurence than getting snatched. My husband and a couple of other dads always took the boys around when they were younger. The dads were pretty much the deciding factor, indicating when they felt the boys could do it without them.
Went up to Nashville this weekend…drive had beautiful scenery with the changing colors of the leaves. First time in 19 years we weren’t home for Halloween. Funny thing, my nephew, now 25, was talking about the first time he and his friends were allowed to go out trick-or-treating alone. They mapped out their route (from memory of previous years) where they got the “best” candy, and did it 3x, changing their costumes 3x. Boys!
Tiffany
November 1st, 2009
5:48 pm
We saw a lot of parents in cars last night, but it had more to do with the rain than anything else. They mostly parked in the cul-de-sacs while the kids walked around. It did not bother anyone that they did that. I am amazed at how many kids and their parents were out last night despite the rainy weather…it was awesome. I also saw a lot of folks- I am assuming that maybe their kids were out and about by themselves…the adults had their dogs with them and the dogs were dressed up really CUTE in their own little costumes. That’s a fun way for the parents to still enjoy halloween when the kids are out trick or treating on their own.
Tiffany
November 1st, 2009
5:51 pm
fk-the costume changing idea is classic! I love it.
motherjanegoose
November 1st, 2009
6:30 pm
@ Tiffany….our dogs were Minnie ( ours) and Mickey Mouse ( my sister’s). My daughter is the queen of dressing up the dogs and we laughed our heads off as usual! It was so rainy here that we did not take the dogs out but the kids could see them from our front door…we put up a baby gate.
Tiffany
November 1st, 2009
8:23 pm
I’m definately taking the dogs out next year…MJG I would have loved to have seen that!
DB
November 2nd, 2009
3:30 am
My husband and I went out to dinner and went to see “Law Abiding Citizen” on Halloween night, as we weren’t expecting many, if any, kids (house on a hill at the end of a dead-end street, etc., we’ve never had much traffic.)
Yikes! That was about as scary as I care for! A few holes in the plot you could drive a truck thru, but it was nice spending the evening with my DH.
Becky
November 2nd, 2009
8:43 am
@fk, it’s not just boys that change costumes..When I was 8-9 and went with my sisters and their friends that were about3 years older than me, we would change mask at every other house and go back and forth..We found a man once that was giving out quarters, we hit his house about 10 times before he realized what was happening..
FCM
November 2nd, 2009
7:19 pm
MJG and the rest, please be assured that while I drove to my friends’ neighborhood, we all walked door to door to get ToT even the little one (who of course is not mine).
infant reflux
August 25th, 2010
8:39 am
Sweet site, I hadn’t noticed blogs.ajc.com earlier during my searches!
Keep up the wonderful work!