Should couples sleep in separate beds?
Tired, grumpy all the time? Not getting enough good sleep?
A friend of my husband’s wrote an interesting blog suggesting that Lucy and Ricky had it right in the ’50s — separate beds are better for couples.
Colleen Newvine Tebeau found multiple studies that agree that couples would get much better sleep and more of it if they didn’t share a bed! Here’s the link to Newvine Tebeau’s blog.
She reports:
“A recent Wall Street Journal blog post reported on a presentation by British sleep specialist Neil Stanley: Dr. Stanley, who heads a sleep laboratory at the University of Surrey, reported at the British Science Festival that married people suffer 50% more harmful sleep disturbances if they share a bed, the BBC reports. Poor sleep can cause depression, heart disease, strokes, lung disorders and accidents, he says.”
“The WSJ went on to say: In 2005, a National Sleep Foundation survey showed 23% of married Americans sleep alone, an increase from 12% in 2001, CNN reported last year. A survey of builders and architects found many are predicting that double master bedrooms will soon be the norm, Glamour reports.”
A Web site called Suite 101 writes about sleeping separately, including quoting a New York Times article featuring a Michigan expert:
“ ‘Couples today are writing their own script, rewriting how to have a marriage,’ said Pamela J. Smock, a University of Michigan sociologist. ‘The growing need for separate bedrooms also represents the speed-up of family life — women’s roles have changed — and the need for extra space eases the strain on the relationship. If one of them snores, the other one won’t be able to perform the next day. It’s nothing to do with social class, and it’s not necessarily indicative of marital discord.’ “
The author herself has a tough time sleeping with her husband. He snores and she twitches throughout the night. They got a mouthpiece to stop his snoring. She went as far as to have a sleep study done and the doctors suggested she take a drug for the rest of her life that would make her stop moving in bed. She felt terrible on the drug and decided it wasn’t an option.
Instead the couple decided to use two extra long twin beds in a king frame. Her movement doesn’t disturb him that way. Plus her husband can have his sheets untucked at the bottom and she can have an extra blanket and each be comfortable and still close.
I like their idea because under a big bedspread it will still look like one bed.
Michael had his own very practical concerns: When you fool around whose bed do you use?
My mother bought us a king size bed when we moved back to Georgia. We used to have a double and that is tight quarters for two. We knew we were going to co-sleep with the kids so the king made sense for us. You can spread out all you want.
Even with the king bed, I still have two other issues sleeping with Michael:
1. Michael snores loudly so I generally try to fall asleep ahead of him. I can sleep through his snoring but I can’t fall asleep while he snores.
2. When he wraps his arm around me before falling asleep all I can think about is how heavy his arm is! I swear he has the heaviest arm in America. Does anyone else think their husband’s arm is heavy lying across them?
What do you think: Do you have a hard time sleeping with your spouse? What are your main issues? How do you cope with them? Would sleeping in separate beds make them better? Would you need separate bedrooms? What do you think about the double master bedroom mentioned in the blog? What would your kids think if you slept in separate beds?
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111 comments Add your comment
BShepCarlin
September 29th, 2009
7:18 am
Funny topic. I can’t sleep unless he is home in the bed curled up next to me. If it is just me in the bed I feel lopsided or like I forgot to brush my teeth. BUT….if he is watching TV while I am trying to fall asleep, forget about it. It takes me twice as long to fall asleep. I used to be able to sleep through anything…all lights on, music and TV blaring and then we had kids. I would HATE separate bedrooms. I love everything that comes with sharing a bed: the cold feet, pillow talk and of course fooling around :)
deidre_NC
September 29th, 2009
7:32 am
my ex had the heaviest arms in the world..he would either lay on his side with one arm trapping me for the night…or while he was sleeping he would wrap BOTH HEAVY arms around me and i would wake up in an anxiety attack beause i was TRPPED BY THE HEAVIEST ARMS IN THE WORLD. lol…when we split up i did miss the security of his holding me….but dang he had heavy arms lol
i too could sleep thru his snoring but would try to get to sleep before he did cause i couldnt get to sleep if he was already snoring….thoughts of duct taping a pillow around his head came often to me :)
Alice
September 29th, 2009
8:02 am
I would kill for separate beds. I always sleep much better when my husband is out of town or when we get separate beds at a hotel. One can always cuddle and then move to one’s own spacious, snore-free, movement-free, blanketstealer-free bed.
Jeff in Roswell
September 29th, 2009
8:02 am
We have seperate beds and love it. She snores and twitches as well.
Christina
September 29th, 2009
8:05 am
I wonder how they determined the number of married people “sleeping alone”? If your spouse travels for work 80% of the time and is sleeping away from home Mon-Thur, is that couple considered sleeping alone? If a couple splits work shifts and goes to bed at different times (which may or may not overlap), are they sleeping alone? Because I’d estimate that the number of couples in both those scenarios has increased in the last 10-15 years.
And it sounds like a couple who has two twin mattresses but puts them on a king frame, are considered to sleep alone? My grandparents have always done that! It’s partly because they’ve always had a smaller house with a smaller master, so the shorter twin beds fit, and partly because they’re 5′0″ and 5′4″ so they don’t need the length of a queen or king bed. But I would not consider that setup to be sleeping alone.
Personally, I would not want to sleep alone. I enjoy the comfort of my husband sleeping in bed with me. When he’s out of town, it does feel like something is out of place. Plus, if we have two beds, it’s double the work to make them in the mornings and double the sheets to wash! :) By sharing one bed, we can split those responsibilities. Yes, I sometimes have a hard time falling asleep if he’s snoring. But lately he’s up working after I go to bed, so I’m asleep by the time he comes in. And there are times when his heavy arm inhibits my falling asleep; in those cases, I just move it. Sometimes we need to sleep closer together and sometimes we need to sprawl out. But I like having the option.
savgirl
September 29th, 2009
8:06 am
Very hard for me to admit, but I would love separate sleeping arrangements. HIs snoring is at the medium level, but I have insomnia issues, so it is diffficult enough to sleep/stay asleep. Also, he likes it very hot and I like it cool . . .I am always kicking the covers off. But the worst of it, is not that his arm is heavy when he drapes it across me, it is that he often has that “startle reflex” while he is first asleep. Nothing like getting Heimliched to keep you awake! But, he would NEVER agree to separate beds. Mainly because he is always cold, and I am his “human heater”.
motherjanegoose
September 29th, 2009
8:07 am
I have to scoot and will check in later. I have one question:
What is the difference between a husband who is angry at his wife for talking during the UGA football games…did we hear 6 home games per year?
AND
A wife who endues her husband’s snoring every night….
Check out this link for why each of us need a good night’s sleep and it is not happening when I live with my husband who is snoring so loud that I can hear him ( fell asleep watching TV) downstairs while I am in bed upstairs wearing 32 decibel ear plugs.
http://www.healingdaily.com/exercise/sleep.htm
Raqi
September 29th, 2009
8:19 am
Theresa this is a good yet interesting topic.
I don’t see how having separate beds would help someone who sleeps with a snorer. You would separate bedrooms. Fortunately my husband does snore loudly but he grunts while he sleeps. I was kinda annoying at first but I am used to it now and sleep just fine. Heck him insisting on having the tv on was a bigger problem than his grunting.
Now for a person that moves a lot yeah separate beds would be ideal but I would think only in the manner that was mentioned. Two twins together in a king size frame. That way you can still be close yet sleep undisturbed.
I am sorry but I do not get the “I need my space” while married new age phenomenon. LOL The reason Lucy and Ricky had separate beds is because they were be broadcasted on television and the back the goal was to maintain the innocence of young minds. But kids weren’t crazy even back then. Their parents didn’t have separate beds and they could clearly see that.
As far as my husband touching me or laying his arm across me while sleeping, that doesn’t really bother me. I don’t move much while sleeping so once I am out I don’t know the difference.
We are a couple that like to sometimes cuddle or snuggle while watching tv or reading or just talking together at night. When we fall asleep, if we fall asleep close, we soon break away to our separate spaces.
And BTW we have a Sleep Number bed which solved the biggest problem we had. Mattress firmness.
Raqi
September 29th, 2009
8:24 am
Sorry, I meant “does not snore loudly”.
Codex
September 29th, 2009
8:26 am
What does it tell your kids when you as parents sleep in separate bedrooms? To me it means that you no longer love each other. But that’s just me.
happilysnuggled
September 29th, 2009
8:31 am
This subject is crazy! I love sleeping next to my husband. I want to fit right in the curve of his body. I can’t sleep without him. Like the BShepCarlin said – I would feel like I have not brushed my teeth.
I don’t understand how married couples sleep in the same house in seperate beds or rooms. I have sleep issues where I wake during the middle of the night. I don’t need a doctor to tell me all I have to do is roll over and get a dose of meds that are right beside me. And I sleep very well afterwards.
Funny subject.
Vork
September 29th, 2009
8:32 am
What’s the matter motherjanegoose? Don’t have enough time for a long winded six paragraph rant that bores us all to tears? Instead you post a link to a website? Are you getting lazy?
Clara
September 29th, 2009
8:36 am
Vork, stop being mean.
pd
September 29th, 2009
8:37 am
eh, I prefer to sleep together. But whatever works for others is fine by me.
Seperate beds would also mean more laundry to do.
Greg
September 29th, 2009
8:37 am
The only time we sleep in separate beds is when one of us is sick and disturbing the other because of it. Usually I’m the one who moves to the guest room in that case. The rest of the time I have a difficult time falling asleep if my wife isn’t in bed yet. If I’m not too tired I’ll give her a backrub, and she falls asleep while I rub her back.
As to the heavy arms, she’s never complained that my arm was heavy, but I also can’t fall asleep with my arm around her.
deidre_NC
September 29th, 2009
8:38 am
rolls my eyes at vork….grow up
Bladezz
September 29th, 2009
8:39 am
My wife and I have no problems sleeping in our bed, it’s a king sized bed. I could see where having a smaller sized bed might lead to one or both of us not getting a decent night’s sleep though.
etkp
September 29th, 2009
8:42 am
We have a king sized bed but use different blankets. We are not into the apperance of our room but rather the comfort of our sleep. My husband is a “human heater” who will then still sleep with two blankets in the summer and three in the winter. I, on the other hand, like it cold and sleep with an untucked top sheet(so my legs can hang out) and a light quilt(something about the weight of it). It’s funny though because I can’t seem to get cool enough in the summer or warm enough in the winter. I, myself can not sleep unless he is home(our shifts vary). I don’t like the idea of people coming into the house after I am asleep(i know it’s weird).
Kenneth
September 29th, 2009
8:42 am
Mom and dad share a bed and kids have their own beds. People who let their kids sleep with them all the time are weird.
Speaking of sleeping in separate beds...
September 29th, 2009
8:47 am
…how’s the tension after Michael’s post yesterday?
Jesse's Girl
September 29th, 2009
8:49 am
First off…..the bed is usually the last place we fool around:) Secondly….while we enjoy sleeping together, we are not cuddlers…never have been. Neither of us like to roll over and feel the other. We like our space. Thats why we invested in an extra large Tempur Pedic mattress…its the best moolah we have ever spent!! Its stunning perfection is why we rarely defile it with “hethern” sex:)
I remember my grandparents not only having separate beds, but separate rooms! I was always confused by this. But..they did have a 50 year marriage…so maybe there is something to it. I don’t think it much matters what your sleeping arrangements are. As long as you and your spouse are connecting spiritually, sexually and emotionally…its all good.
Sleepless in GA
September 29th, 2009
8:49 am
My wife snores so loudly that it wakes me up! Sometimes I do wish we slept in separate bedrooms. We have the room, but I think it would strain the relationship if we didn’t sleep in the same room every night. What’s one to do?
Zaboo
September 29th, 2009
8:54 am
@Jesse’s Girl
Your grandparent’s marriage probably lasted 50 years because it really wasn’t much of a marriage. More like co-habitation.
Tinkerballa
September 29th, 2009
8:57 am
I’m not married but when my boyfriend stays over I prefer he sleep on the couch so I can get my beauty sleep. We get wild in the bed though.
Libby
September 29th, 2009
9:05 am
Enter your comments here: My husband works at night. When he comes home in the wee hours of the morning, he used to awaken me and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I began sleeping in the guest bedroom. I miss that “togetherness” that sharing the same bed provides, but I’m not missing any sleep here lately!
New Stepmom
September 29th, 2009
9:06 am
Being newly married this is a timely topic. I would love a king size bed to replace our queen because I do not sleep as well with the hubs in the bed with me. He has begun traveling and I sleep far better when he is out of town. I love to cuddle on the couch, hold hands in the car, etc. but when it is time to sleep I cannot stand to be touched. We even had to change sides of the bed because he sleeps on his right side and was rolling over on me each night. I love marriage, but I cannot imagine sleeping in the cuddle position each night. We would be divorced ;o)!
And by the way….we are pregnant!
Uconn
September 29th, 2009
9:13 am
Congrats New Step Mom!!! … :) Always like to hear good news!!!
SAR
September 29th, 2009
9:13 am
I love my spouse of 23 years but after 23 years of marriage the bed has become more of a tool for good sleep and needed rest than the playground it once was. We lay down together most nights but when it’s time for sleep, we sleep in separate rooms because we need the sleep. I know I snore like a train and I toss and turn all night. It has nothing to do with love or attraction, it’s all about rest and feeling good in the morning. It works for us.
Vork
September 29th, 2009
9:25 am
Well you guy didn’t waste any time getting knocked up eh New Stepmom?
Raqi
September 29th, 2009
9:30 am
I may just be weird but I feel safe when my husband is lying beside me. Even when he is rolled over to his side of the bed and me to mine I feel safe.
On the few occasions that he does go out of town it seems like every noise from the house creaking to that of the outdoors awakes me. I just tend to sleep better with him beside me.
And reading folks talk about the insomnia and tossing and turning, that alone is something that needs to be addressed to your physician. If I had those issues to point that they disrupted my husband’s sleep I would do what I needed to make sure he gets the sleep he needs but I would also do what I needed to make sure I get mine. When I toss and turn all night I usually wake up cranky and if it happens too many times I go see my doctor.
I read an article yesterday where Mrs. Obama said that her mood and health reflects in how she interacts with her husband and kids. Not getting enough sleep yourself is unhealthy and could alter your mood therefore affecting the way you deal with your family.
LDP
September 29th, 2009
9:30 am
Enter your comments here
I agree with SAR. I love my husband. We still have lots of fun in the bed everyweek. But when it’s time to go to sleep, we go our separate ways. He is a very light sleeper and I am a snorer. I get up every day at 4:30 a.m. to go to work. We both were miserable. Things have greatly imporved since we have separate bedrooms.
Becky
September 29th, 2009
9:33 am
I love the cuddling also, but I sleep better by myself..My husband sleeps better with the TV on all night and I only want it on for a short time..As for the romance, after 16 years, we don’t have to sleep in the same bed to still love each other..
New Stepmom
September 29th, 2009
9:34 am
Thanks Uconn, we are both excited and shocked due to my history!
Becky
September 29th, 2009
9:35 am
New Stepmom, congratulations on the pregnancy..
Jesse's Girl
September 29th, 2009
9:36 am
My grandparents adored eachother. Every morning my Papa would squeeze 3 oranges to give her the freshest juice he could and she would make sure there was always a can of condensed sweet milk so he could have it in his coffee….their marriage thrived in spite of their choice to have separate quarters. A lasting marriage is more than where or how we choose to sleep. Its about love and respect for one another and if a couple can wake up refreshed, ready to give that to eachother…then I say HELL YEAH.
budman
September 29th, 2009
9:38 am
My wife and I usually sleep in different rooms. I snore and she loves having the cats in bed. After a couple of trips to Vietnam I totally freak out when a small critter jumps up on the bed. Reminds me of the rats in Vietnam..so I usually jump 3 feet high and scream. My doc says its PTSD but what ever the hell it is it doen’t make for a good night sleep for either one of us
Amanda
September 29th, 2009
9:54 am
Earplugs are a Godsend if you sleep with a snorer!
Flame Out ?
September 29th, 2009
9:54 am
Snoring,grunting,T.V.,farting, twitching, etc…We all have faults don’t we? It’s interesting to note that one lady moved to another bed in another room and was still disturbed by her husbands snoring. Should they live in separate houses? My wife snores and yes it affects my sleep pattern but I would nver consider hurting her feelings by kicking her out of bed. I thought the very first post was sweet and made my day.She sounds like a wonderful wife who loves her mate (for better or worse).Her snoring reminds me she is still next to me alive and breathing. It’s somehow comforting.
sugare
September 29th, 2009
10:01 am
My husband snores so loud that you can hear him outside. We have separate bedrooms because our sleep patterns are different tv on vs off, dark vs some light, snore vs no snore, he gets up at 1:oo A.M., I get up at 4:30, he goes to bed at 9:00 P.M. vs me at 10:30. I get up throughtout the night to let the dogs out. I like my bed space; we share the same bed when necessary and doing the deed in different beds adds variety. however, if he falls asleep first, I simply get up and go to the other room. I do not like for my body to be touched when I sleep; wrapping arms and legs weights me down. This works for us. We also have separate bathrooms. My friends think that this is odd but we really enjoy “our” space. LIFE IS GOOD
MsTee
September 29th, 2009
10:02 am
Hubby and I married 10 years and sleep separately. Doesn’t affect sex life and works for us. I need my sleep!!
Uconn
September 29th, 2009
10:04 am
I *adore* sleeping next to my fiance… yes he snores but that is easily fixable, I make him turn on his side so I can sleep right next to him… problem solved :) Now if anyone should complain, its him about me… I am an olympic sleeper… Meaning I can’t stay on my side of the bed or just on one side… I have to all over and don’t even get me started on temperature! If my feet are anywhere near warm… All the fans and A/C MUST be on high… He is always cold… But we work it out.. Its like Paul Reiser (sp?) wrote in Couplehood, “How can you be cold?, I am sweating tropical rainforests over here, c’mon be hot like me.” My Fiance pulls all the covers on him, and I hold him on his side so he doesn’t snore… Its a win, win win… :) Have a nice day everyone
DB
September 29th, 2009
10:09 am
I’m with BShepCarlin – I love, love, love falling asleep cuddled up with my husband. I’m a sound sleeper, so not much bothers me at night – occasionally, if I’m reading late, I’ll notice that he might snore just a little, but it’s usually solved with a nudge. And once I’m asleep, a 747 could land on our roof and I’d be oblivious. I don’t sleep as well when he’s gone — the cat is not nearly as cuddly, even though she likes to curl up on his pillow at night when he’s gone.
Christina
September 29th, 2009
10:12 am
Many people have mentioned having TVs in their bedrooms. If you have a TV in your room and are having difficulty sleeping, you might want to consider removing it and see if you sleep better. (It may take some time while your body adjusts.) Many studies have shown, and articles have been written, and experts have agreed, that distractions in the bedroom (TVs, computers, exercise equipment, babies–haha, etc) can cause sleep troubles. Especially in our high-activity modern lives, our brains need to power down and sometimes learn how to “turn off”. If your bed (bedroom) is used for only two purposes (sleep and sex–and I’m sure that dressing is okay too), your brain automatically associates that atmosphere with those activities. And then it tends to be easier for the brain to unwind.
I’m not chastising anyone for having any of those things in their bedrooms. I’m just saying that if you do, and you have trouble sleeping, you may want to explore those distractions as possible obstacles in your quest for quality sleep. You might discover that your spouse’s snoring is the least of your troubles! If you want more info, a Google search of “TV in bedroom” will pull up lots of it.
ajay2009
September 29th, 2009
10:14 am
I had to chime in on this one. My husband is a horrible snorer. I have chosen ear plugs. I swear they have saved out marriage. I personally don’t mind and somtimes crave the solace of the guest room, but he seem to have his speedos in a bunch if I am not in bed with him. Call him old fashioned and me a free spirit. The worst night sleep I have had in recent memoty is with my daughter, husband and I in a hotel room. I had forgotten my earplugs are struggled all night long. It was horrible. So earplugs work for me, but I don’t frown on separate beds, rooms (or houses, lol) if that works for you.
lawrencevillemom
September 29th, 2009
10:30 am
Enter your comments here My husband snores like a champ (even when laying on his stomach – so getting him to roll over will not help). When we were military I got used to him being away so it was a hard adjustment when we became civilians and he was home all the time. Now it is way too quiet if he is gone. When he is home I just turn up the TV so I can hear it and then ignore him and go to sleep. I don’t think I would like the earplugs because then you don’t hear other things…the kids, the animals, etc and my husband sleeps like the dead so he definitely would not hear them.
He also has the startle thing when he first goes to sleep but that is usually way before me so it doesn’t bother me.
JJ
September 29th, 2009
10:37 am
CONGRATS NEW STEPMOM!!!!!!! Keep us posted on your progress.
SOLO
September 29th, 2009
10:46 am
My husband of 25+ years has worked nights all of them. I can’t imagine him being in the bed with me every night. We are so used to having the bed alone that when he is at home we sleep separately. It also doesn’t help that I snore. We both sleep very well that way but sometimes if one of us gets up during the night we might go into the other’s room and curl up for a little while. It has done nothing to diminish our love for each other…it is just practical.
LM
September 29th, 2009
10:48 am
Right now I am missing my hubby. Miss his snoring, his moving in bed, the noise from the TV in the living room while I am falling alseep and the light from the living room sneaking into the bed room under the door. Thankfully he should get leave in November and I will have his weight, sounds and smells to lull me into sleep again.
We used to be wrapped up like snakes when we slept, legs and arms intertwined, his snorse were light and more like puffs of breath and would comfort me as I drifted off to sleep. After his accident, he needed to move more to get comfortable so we stopped being coiled up so close. After my accident last year I now need several pillows to prop and nest in so we had less physical contact, but knowing I could reach out a hand and feel his skin under my fingertips was reassuring.
I am not sleeping much now, waking up several times a night. I have let the dog join me in bed hoping his warmth and breathing would help but his is a poor subsitue.
Oh and we have a sleep number bed and we can’t stand it. No matter what setting I put it on, I can’t get confortable, really miss the old bed but the doctor suggested it following his back surgery so if it helps him in any way I will keep trying to make the bed work.
lakerat
September 29th, 2009
10:49 am
Uconn -
You are living in sin and will burn in hell with motherjanegoose for your actions.
SOLO
September 29th, 2009
10:50 am
Hey lakerat
Judge not lest ye be judged….stay on topic!
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
September 29th, 2009
10:51 am
Congratulations New Step Mom!! That is wonderful — Send us topic ideas as you move through the pregnancy — things you have questions about or need opinions on — I’m happy to post them!
Tension — No tension at home — all is good!
JG — My great grandparents and grandparents had separate bedrooms — I think it was just an old fashioned thing — but they probably did sleep better –
JJ
September 29th, 2009
10:53 am
That’s not the real Lakerat posting……we know that.
JJ
September 29th, 2009
11:02 am
That’s not the real JJ either…..IMPOSTER!!!
EJ
September 29th, 2009
11:06 am
To Zaboo: he thought marriage for 50 years was not much of a marriage but more like co-habitation….well being a 50 year marriage survivor…that is what marriage is all about…..CO-HABITATION…get it? looking for 50 more.
EJ
September 29th, 2009
11:09 am
By the way Zaboo, having separate bedrooms gives the marriage versatility and longevity….get it?
Codex
September 29th, 2009
11:15 am
EJ – Do you have children? Did they seem to be bothered by you and your wife sleeping in different bedrooms?
Zaboo
September 29th, 2009
11:20 am
@EJ
So you really don’t have a marriage, you have a roommate…I get it.
New Stepmom
September 29th, 2009
11:21 am
Thanks guys for the additional well wishes. I am overwhelmed with questions right now, but there are so many I cannot think of what to ask first. A friend is loaning me all of the books. We are not telling my step daughter for a little while longer to make sure we are hopefully past the miscarriage hump.
I feel lousy, which I hear is good. I am so lucky to have great support all over the place and this group has given me so much as a step mom, so I know I will rely on you guys even more.
1911A1
September 29th, 2009
11:24 am
Remember the North Georgia earthquake several years ago? I slept right through it. My wife, on the other hand, can hear a flea sneeze from a half mile away and wake up. I have sleep apnea, and while I manage it well using CPAP, she complained about the various noises I still would manage to produce – gurgling, lip buzzing, etc. – during the night. (Without the CPAP my snoring can set off car alarms.) So she’d head for the guest bedroom on nights when I became too noisy. I switched to a mask that covers both my nose and mouth and that has taken care of 90% of the noise.
Usually we get up at the same time every morning, but on occasions when one of us has to get up early we’ll still “break” for the night so that one’s arising does not disurb the other’s chance at a good night’s sleep. And do not underestimate the effect one’s rest has on the quality of one’s relationship.
EJ
September 29th, 2009
11:26 am
Zaboo, he is your roomate, lover, etc. get it? keeps you from committing adultery….get it?
lakerat
September 29th, 2009
11:29 am
BALLS!!!!
EJ
September 29th, 2009
11:37 am
Codex….I had three….when they were little, we slept together and loved it…we both worked …..snoring became a problem…anger at each other for various reasons.etc…..BAM.answer? get a way from each other….separate? NO……Divorce? NO sleep in different rooms? YES…Love each other? YES Adjusting to each others behaviors? Yes best way to do that? sleep in different bedrooms…we did and do now visit each other …get it?
Zaboo
September 29th, 2009
12:07 pm
@EJ
That’s hardcore dude. I hope my spouse doesn’t resent my existence enough to want to live in a separate room from me.
JJ
September 29th, 2009
12:08 pm
New Stepmom – two pieces of advice I can give you….
1) Keep a jar of peanut butter and a spoon right next to your bed. If you are experiencing morning sickness, take a spoonfull of peanut butter BEFORE you get out of bed…….it really helped me, and I only got morning sickness once.
2) You are going to get advice from EVERYONE who has ever had a baby. Take it all with a grain of salt. We are all different, and no two pregnancies are alike….if you want good advice, go talk to YOUR mother or YOUR mother in law……
And everyone will want to lay their hands on your belly as you get bigger……you don’t have to let them.
Vork
September 29th, 2009
12:13 pm
@New tepmom
Yes definitely listen to what JJ says because she’s had one kid 20 years ago and apparently that qualifies her to be a pregnancy specialist…..SMH.
Vork
September 29th, 2009
12:14 pm
And that would be directed at New “S”tepmom….damn keyboard lag.
Tinkerballa
September 29th, 2009
12:20 pm
OMG totally off topic but did you guys hear that Jon Gosselin was kicked off Jon & Kate Plus 8? TLC totally dropped him from the show.
Magenta
September 29th, 2009
12:22 pm
Wow — this subject is a “fraught” one for me. My parents had separate bedrooms back in the ’60s, when it was more than just unfashionable. It was scandalous! If I had a friend over and they asked me who slept in the smaller bedroom, I was forbidden to tell them it was my dad. But both of them were extremely noisy sleepers, so I understand their preference. However, my ex-husband was very big and tall; he had a custom-made twin bed, so for the first year of our marriage it was separate beds until we could afford a king-size. I felt like a terrible oddball. Fast-forward about 15 years later to marriage no. 2 and my present husband and I are now ensconced in separate rooms. Because of my snoring (and all-night reading marathons), he says, but also because of his nocturnal yelling and thrashing about. Given the choice, I’d honestly rather cuddle and put up with the other stuff. But it just doesn’t work for us. Oh, well. Our marriage is fine otherwise, in all respects, thank you very much…
Becky
September 29th, 2009
12:34 pm
Just because you aren’t wrapped around each other during sleep, that doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other or that your marriage isn’t a “real” marriage..So whatever works for one couple, shouldn’t be a big deal to others…
EJ
September 29th, 2009
12:40 pm
Zaboo. we are only talking about sleeping….let me break it down….you can be in her room or she can be in your romm at any time for any reason, but when it is ime for sleep pure sleep we go go our separate ways…..get it? if you can sleep through snoring,etc…..you are good to go……….get it?
EJ
September 29th, 2009
12:41 pm
Becky? well stated…………get it Zaboo?
Mom
September 29th, 2009
12:42 pm
@ YORK
for those of us who have ever expierienced pregnacy, we know what you go through, rather u had one kid 100 years ago, or if youve had 14 kids. Once you do it, you know how to do it, what you to it and what to expect. Just like riding a bike.
Congrats new stepmom!!!
Colleen Newvine Tebeau
September 29th, 2009
12:42 pm
Wow! I figured when I blogged about separate beds that we might not be alone in needing to figure out our marital sleeping arrangements but I am amazed at the passion on both sides of the discussion.
One thing that fascinates me is how much significance is tangled up in sharing a mattress: whether you could possibly have a healthy marriage if you don’t, or what the kids will think, or whether a 50-year marriage is real.
What is it about being side by side while you’re unconscious that makes it such a powerful signal of marriage?
A B&B owner once told me that in Victorian days, it was a luxury to have adjoining master bedrooms — the better to let the master get his beauty sleep while the wife was left to get up in the middle of the night with the crying babies. But still we recoil from separating today. Interesting.
Thanks, Theresa, for stirring the pot. I hope some of you will come check out the full original blog post: http://newvinegrowing.wordpress.com/2009/09/27/lucy-and-ricky-beds-might-help-your-marriage/
Valstake
September 29th, 2009
12:47 pm
Zaboo – I’m surprise that you have a spouse. Poor creature. My own opinion is whatever works for the couple is right for them.
New Stepmom
September 29th, 2009
1:33 pm
Thanks JJ. I am having trouble with food right now. I love curry normally and someone passed by my desk with it about 2 hours ago and I had to leave the building. I have my peanut butter in my desk and have already used it today (before your post). I have had a lot of carbs the past week or so.
And to add again to the topic, like Becky said you do not have to be intertwined all night to love each other or even have a child ;o)!
Becky
September 29th, 2009
2:31 pm
Truthfully, I’d be worried more if my husband wanted me to sign a contract like some that I’ve seen people do on TV..It states the number of times per week that you will have sex, who washes what, whos cooks what, that if one or the other gains to much weight, thats grounds for divorce..I was a special once on Dateline or 20/20 about marrying couples that have contracts like this..
Becky
September 29th, 2009
2:41 pm
OOPS..Should say I saw a special..
motherjanegoose
September 29th, 2009
2:50 pm
@ new stepmom congrats!
This next month is VERY hectic for me. I do not much have extra time, especially when others falsely use my name on the blog.
There is snoring and there is snoring.
When you can hear your spouse ( who is downstairs) snoring and you are wearing 32 DECIBEL ear plugs….THAT IS SNORING and thus I will get NO sleep and be ill. It is what it is. It is not healthy to GET NO SLEEP. Not to mention the sleep apnea and leg kicks…yikes! Usually I have to speak for 6 hours ( mostly without notes) I have to be alert.
motherjanegoose
September 29th, 2009
3:16 pm
@ JJ…haha…getting advice from my own mother or mother in law…now that was funny!
My own mom never thought I should breastfeed nor work ( outside the home) and my mother in law left her 4 kids to sit in the car for quite a while as she and my father in law enjoyed a few drinks and visited with friends at the club on the military base.
I do agree not to get too worked up over the advice thing but I rarely ever took any advice from either of those two…my kids turned out pretty good in spite of their lineage.
Off to packing…oh wow….if I had to have my husband next to me to sleep, I sure would be in big trouble traveling for business. NO TWO couples are the same and while some feel better touching their spouse all night, some can manage fine for a few days without them. To each his own.
jct
September 29th, 2009
3:31 pm
Wow, there is a lot a passion on this subject. I talk in my sleep, especially when I am stressed. Most nights we sleep in the same bed but if I am on a tangent then I end up waking up alone. At first it used to hurt my feelings until I was taped one night. I was talking about rabbits eating my garden and processing various methods of how to keep them out of my garden. Quite funny if you weren’t trying to sleep. After that I did not have one word to say when I woke up alone. I sleep like a rock but I would go crazy if I had to listen to someone talk 2 to 3 hours per night about nonsense.
jct
September 29th, 2009
3:31 pm
Oh, congrats new stepmom!
New Stepmom
September 29th, 2009
5:06 pm
JJ and MJG, we have already been told by my father in law what this child should be named. That irritated me, but I will take it with a grain of salt. I have always thought that names should be a parent only department and other should refrain from suggestions and critiques.
I can’t wait for all of the advice to begin that will drive me nuts!
DB
September 29th, 2009
6:14 pm
@ New Stepmom — Congratulations, I’m very happy for you both! Practice this response over and over again until it comes naturally: “That’s an interesting idea — I’ll definitely consider it.” It’s one of those non-commital responses that make people go away happy, and gives you something to say when you really just want to say, “Are you KIDDING me? That’s the STUPIDEST thing I’ve ever heard!” Enjoy your pregnancy — it’s such a special time.
FCM
September 29th, 2009
8:30 pm
My aunt and uncle stayed married a very long time. She worked nights and he worked the early shift. They seldom slept in the same bed because the work schedules didn’t permit it. They were married until he died of a heartattack. She died last spring. They raised two children to be responsible adults too.
I was married to a blanket hog. So I put a small blanket for each of us on the bed. We slept next to each other but he was often wrapped like a mummy in the cover. These days I have bed hogs with toes that dig into me (and leave bruises) as they kick and squirm all night. I am all for separate beds, and we have them for each person. Sun – Thurs they sleep in their beds. Fri & Sat they take mine and go to their room to sleep. That way they can watch tv on Sat morning. It is also why I am against bedsharing with infants. Once you let them in they never leave!
I did read that the number one complaint of people sharing a bed is there is not enough room. I cannot decide if this is due to our obesity issues in the US or something else. I mean is a King bed really not enough room for two adults? (I have a Queen and we had same when married).
New Mom–Hope big sis is enjoying the new addition. I know (from personal experience) both the joys and pains of being a mom of two children at once. Be prepared for Barbie Pink to take over — lol!
NewStepMom WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO! As to the name thing, its the most important thing you will ever do. This child will have the name for the rest of his/her life. So, you do what your heart guides you to do. I prayed over my children from the moment I knew they were coming to the present. I prayed over their names to, indeed names (according to Torah and Bible) are very important. It is often said that God called his chosen by name. We are not to know God’s name because that gives the caller power. Yet God calls each of us by name, indeed He knows our name in the womb. (In otherwords, ignoring everyone telling you what to call the baby — Great Aunt Gertrude will live if you don’t name it for her so will Uncle Norbert).
motherjanegoose
September 29th, 2009
9:07 pm
@ FCM…wow that was neat about the names.
As a former Kinder teacher, I named mine each a name that they would be able to write themselves with relative ease. My son has a longer family name but he uses the short version…4 letters for him and 5 for my daughter. I saw way too many kids struggle while writing long names. I also would not name my child a name of a student who gave me bad memories….hahaha! Could not stand to recall that name each day! Both of my own children have names that are not so common…I only had 1 student each in 12 years in the classroom with each of their names.
Night all and have a great weekend…I am off to work!
deidre_NC
September 29th, 2009
9:22 pm
congratulations new stepmom…wonderful news!!
budman–thanks for your service!
deidre_NC
September 29th, 2009
9:39 pm
lol about names…my grandmother in law hated the name i named my second son…she called him ‘that baby’ for 3 1/2 years (until she passed away) lol…we all thought it was hilarious…she was a doll and i adored her…
1st advice i remember getting with my first pregnancy was from a waitress at a diner…i was sitting cross legged–indian style i guess some call it…and she freaked out and told me my baby was gonna have the cord wrapped around its neck..also that would happen if i raised my arms in the air…didnt happen!!…stepmom…you wont even believe what all you will hear…it amazed me all the weird ‘facts’ i heard with everyone of my pregnancies…
BlondeHoney
September 29th, 2009
11:42 pm
Ok i know it’s late but i have to weigh in on the separate bedrooms thing & what Jesse’s Girl said about her grandparents. BOTH sets of my grandparents had separate bedrooms and were the happiest married couples I have ever known…both sets married over 50 years and took care of each other so lovingly in so many ways until the end. Snoring never concerned me, with either my ex or my current love…a comforting reminder of him beside me :)
BlondeHoney
September 29th, 2009
11:49 pm
PS New Stepmom, congrats & deidre_NC is absolutely right you will hear tons of wacky stuff…take it all with a grain of salt :)
Becky
September 30th, 2009
8:08 am
New Stepmom..If the father in law is already telling you what to name the baby, you are in for the long haul..My niece just had a baby girl this past summer and all my coworkers thought it was stupid of her to not find out the sex until the baby was born..She also had a name for each gender picked out and didn’t tell anyone until the baby was born..
So as others said, just take everyones advice with a grain of salt..A lot of it will make a lot of sense and most of it won’t..If all of the people that gave advice would follow their own words, boy wouldn’t we have a world full of great people..You will make mistakes and your baby will still grow up just fine..
JJ
September 30th, 2009
8:28 am
New Step Mom – someone told me this….when you are chosing a name for your child, go outside and YELL that name 15 times (like you are calling them in for dinner)…..then see if you still like that name…..LOL
Sad
September 30th, 2009
9:26 am
No “spooning”. Separate rooms. Now divorce.
Jesse's Girl
September 30th, 2009
9:40 am
I hardly consider not spooning an ingredient in the divorce recipe. We hate spoonng…and we are jim dandy:)
Vork
September 30th, 2009
10:02 am
Wow no new topic today. I guess the irrelevancy of the topics has finally caught up to Theresa…..one can hope.
Becky
September 30th, 2009
10:16 am
@Sad, you don’t always have to be alseep to spoon..
Hunter of MILF
September 30th, 2009
10:22 am
@Becky
Want to spoon?…;)
Jesse's Girl
September 30th, 2009
11:47 am
Vork you:)
Are we putting you to sleep yet? « Newvine Growing — exploring evolution, revolution and living life intentionally
September 30th, 2009
12:38 pm
[...] sleep in separate beds? | INFORMATION HOUSE on Lucy and Ricky beds might help your marriageShould couples sleep in separate beds? | A Blog for Busy Moms – MOMania on Lucy and Ricky beds might help your marriageLenny on Lucy and Ricky beds might help [...]
Vork
September 30th, 2009
12:48 pm
@Jesse’s Girl
Clever retort…yet somehow crass, cheap, and tawdry. Par for the course coming from you though.
Jesse's Girl
September 30th, 2009
1:06 pm
Oh Vork…I certainly hope you aren’t under the silly assumption that I actually CARE what you think! Becasue that would just be sad and pathetic….but you do wear that well.