Should couples sleep in separate beds?
Tired, grumpy all the time? Not getting enough good sleep?
A friend of my husband’s wrote an interesting blog suggesting that Lucy and Ricky had it right in the ’50s — separate beds are better for couples.
Colleen Newvine Tebeau found multiple studies that agree that couples would get much better sleep and more of it if they didn’t share a bed! Here’s the link to Newvine Tebeau’s blog.
She reports:
“A recent Wall Street Journal blog post reported on a presentation by British sleep specialist Neil Stanley: Dr. Stanley, who heads a sleep laboratory at the University of Surrey, reported at the British Science Festival that married people suffer 50% more harmful sleep disturbances if they share a bed, the BBC reports. Poor sleep can cause depression, heart disease, strokes, lung disorders and accidents, he says.”
“The WSJ went on to say: In 2005, a National Sleep Foundation survey showed 23% of married Americans sleep alone, an increase from 12% in 2001, CNN reported last year. A survey of builders and architects found many are predicting that double master bedrooms will soon be the norm, Glamour reports.”
A Web site called Suite 101 writes about sleeping separately, including quoting a New York Times article featuring a Michigan expert:
“ ‘Couples today are writing their own script, rewriting how to have a marriage,’ said Pamela J. Smock, a University of Michigan sociologist. ‘The growing need for separate bedrooms also represents the speed-up of family life — women’s roles have changed — and the need for extra space eases the strain on the relationship. If one of them snores, the other one won’t be able to perform the next day. It’s nothing to do with social class, and it’s not necessarily indicative of marital discord.’ “
The author herself has a tough time sleeping with her husband. He snores and she twitches throughout the night. They got a mouthpiece to stop his snoring. She went as far as to have a sleep study done and the doctors suggested she take a drug for the rest of her life that would make her stop moving in bed. She felt terrible on the drug and decided it wasn’t an option.
Instead the couple decided to use two extra long twin beds in a king frame. Her movement doesn’t disturb him that way. Plus her husband can have his sheets untucked at the bottom and she can have an extra blanket and each be comfortable and still close.
I like their idea because under a big bedspread it will still look like one bed.
Michael had his own very practical concerns: When you fool around whose bed do you use?
My mother bought us a king size bed when we moved back to Georgia. We used to have a double and that is tight quarters for two. We knew we were going to co-sleep with the kids so the king made sense for us. You can spread out all you want.
Even with the king bed, I still have two other issues sleeping with Michael:
1. Michael snores loudly so I generally try to fall asleep ahead of him. I can sleep through his snoring but I can’t fall asleep while he snores.
2. When he wraps his arm around me before falling asleep all I can think about is how heavy his arm is! I swear he has the heaviest arm in America. Does anyone else think their husband’s arm is heavy lying across them?
What do you think: Do you have a hard time sleeping with your spouse? What are your main issues? How do you cope with them? Would sleeping in separate beds make them better? Would you need separate bedrooms? What do you think about the double master bedroom mentioned in the blog? What would your kids think if you slept in separate beds?
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117 comments Add your comment
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
September 29th, 2009
10:51 am
Congratulations New Step Mom!! That is wonderful — Send us topic ideas as you move through the pregnancy — things you have questions about or need opinions on — I’m happy to post them!
Tension — No tension at home — all is good!
JG — My great grandparents and grandparents had separate bedrooms — I think it was just an old fashioned thing — but they probably did sleep better –
JJ
September 29th, 2009
10:53 am
That’s not the real Lakerat posting……we know that.
JJ
September 29th, 2009
11:02 am
That’s not the real JJ either…..IMPOSTER!!!
EJ
September 29th, 2009
11:06 am
To Zaboo: he thought marriage for 50 years was not much of a marriage but more like co-habitation….well being a 50 year marriage survivor…that is what marriage is all about…..CO-HABITATION…get it? looking for 50 more.
EJ
September 29th, 2009
11:09 am
By the way Zaboo, having separate bedrooms gives the marriage versatility and longevity….get it?
Codex
September 29th, 2009
11:15 am
EJ – Do you have children? Did they seem to be bothered by you and your wife sleeping in different bedrooms?
Zaboo
September 29th, 2009
11:20 am
@EJ
So you really don’t have a marriage, you have a roommate…I get it.
New Stepmom
September 29th, 2009
11:21 am
Thanks guys for the additional well wishes. I am overwhelmed with questions right now, but there are so many I cannot think of what to ask first. A friend is loaning me all of the books. We are not telling my step daughter for a little while longer to make sure we are hopefully past the miscarriage hump.
I feel lousy, which I hear is good. I am so lucky to have great support all over the place and this group has given me so much as a step mom, so I know I will rely on you guys even more.
1911A1
September 29th, 2009
11:24 am
Remember the North Georgia earthquake several years ago? I slept right through it. My wife, on the other hand, can hear a flea sneeze from a half mile away and wake up. I have sleep apnea, and while I manage it well using CPAP, she complained about the various noises I still would manage to produce – gurgling, lip buzzing, etc. – during the night. (Without the CPAP my snoring can set off car alarms.) So she’d head for the guest bedroom on nights when I became too noisy. I switched to a mask that covers both my nose and mouth and that has taken care of 90% of the noise.
Usually we get up at the same time every morning, but on occasions when one of us has to get up early we’ll still “break” for the night so that one’s arising does not disurb the other’s chance at a good night’s sleep. And do not underestimate the effect one’s rest has on the quality of one’s relationship.
EJ
September 29th, 2009
11:26 am
Zaboo, he is your roomate, lover, etc. get it? keeps you from committing adultery….get it?
lakerat
September 29th, 2009
11:29 am
BALLS!!!!
EJ
September 29th, 2009
11:37 am
Codex….I had three….when they were little, we slept together and loved it…we both worked …..snoring became a problem…anger at each other for various reasons.etc…..BAM.answer? get a way from each other….separate? NO……Divorce? NO sleep in different rooms? YES…Love each other? YES Adjusting to each others behaviors? Yes best way to do that? sleep in different bedrooms…we did and do now visit each other …get it?
Zaboo
September 29th, 2009
12:07 pm
@EJ
That’s hardcore dude. I hope my spouse doesn’t resent my existence enough to want to live in a separate room from me.
JJ
September 29th, 2009
12:08 pm
New Stepmom – two pieces of advice I can give you….
1) Keep a jar of peanut butter and a spoon right next to your bed. If you are experiencing morning sickness, take a spoonfull of peanut butter BEFORE you get out of bed…….it really helped me, and I only got morning sickness once.
2) You are going to get advice from EVERYONE who has ever had a baby. Take it all with a grain of salt. We are all different, and no two pregnancies are alike….if you want good advice, go talk to YOUR mother or YOUR mother in law……
And everyone will want to lay their hands on your belly as you get bigger……you don’t have to let them.
Vork
September 29th, 2009
12:13 pm
@New tepmom
Yes definitely listen to what JJ says because she’s had one kid 20 years ago and apparently that qualifies her to be a pregnancy specialist…..SMH.
Vork
September 29th, 2009
12:14 pm
And that would be directed at New “S”tepmom….damn keyboard lag.
Tinkerballa
September 29th, 2009
12:20 pm
OMG totally off topic but did you guys hear that Jon Gosselin was kicked off Jon & Kate Plus 8? TLC totally dropped him from the show.
Magenta
September 29th, 2009
12:22 pm
Wow — this subject is a “fraught” one for me. My parents had separate bedrooms back in the ’60s, when it was more than just unfashionable. It was scandalous! If I had a friend over and they asked me who slept in the smaller bedroom, I was forbidden to tell them it was my dad. But both of them were extremely noisy sleepers, so I understand their preference. However, my ex-husband was very big and tall; he had a custom-made twin bed, so for the first year of our marriage it was separate beds until we could afford a king-size. I felt like a terrible oddball. Fast-forward about 15 years later to marriage no. 2 and my present husband and I are now ensconced in separate rooms. Because of my snoring (and all-night reading marathons), he says, but also because of his nocturnal yelling and thrashing about. Given the choice, I’d honestly rather cuddle and put up with the other stuff. But it just doesn’t work for us. Oh, well. Our marriage is fine otherwise, in all respects, thank you very much…
Becky
September 29th, 2009
12:34 pm
Just because you aren’t wrapped around each other during sleep, that doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other or that your marriage isn’t a “real” marriage..So whatever works for one couple, shouldn’t be a big deal to others…
EJ
September 29th, 2009
12:40 pm
Zaboo. we are only talking about sleeping….let me break it down….you can be in her room or she can be in your romm at any time for any reason, but when it is ime for sleep pure sleep we go go our separate ways…..get it? if you can sleep through snoring,etc…..you are good to go……….get it?
EJ
September 29th, 2009
12:41 pm
Becky? well stated…………get it Zaboo?
Mom
September 29th, 2009
12:42 pm
@ YORK
for those of us who have ever expierienced pregnacy, we know what you go through, rather u had one kid 100 years ago, or if youve had 14 kids. Once you do it, you know how to do it, what you to it and what to expect. Just like riding a bike.
Congrats new stepmom!!!
Colleen Newvine Tebeau
September 29th, 2009
12:42 pm
Wow! I figured when I blogged about separate beds that we might not be alone in needing to figure out our marital sleeping arrangements but I am amazed at the passion on both sides of the discussion.
One thing that fascinates me is how much significance is tangled up in sharing a mattress: whether you could possibly have a healthy marriage if you don’t, or what the kids will think, or whether a 50-year marriage is real.
What is it about being side by side while you’re unconscious that makes it such a powerful signal of marriage?
A B&B owner once told me that in Victorian days, it was a luxury to have adjoining master bedrooms — the better to let the master get his beauty sleep while the wife was left to get up in the middle of the night with the crying babies. But still we recoil from separating today. Interesting.
Thanks, Theresa, for stirring the pot. I hope some of you will come check out the full original blog post: http://newvinegrowing.wordpress.com/2009/09/27/lucy-and-ricky-beds-might-help-your-marriage/
Valstake
September 29th, 2009
12:47 pm
Zaboo – I’m surprise that you have a spouse. Poor creature. My own opinion is whatever works for the couple is right for them.
New Stepmom
September 29th, 2009
1:33 pm
Thanks JJ. I am having trouble with food right now. I love curry normally and someone passed by my desk with it about 2 hours ago and I had to leave the building. I have my peanut butter in my desk and have already used it today (before your post). I have had a lot of carbs the past week or so.
And to add again to the topic, like Becky said you do not have to be intertwined all night to love each other or even have a child ;o)!
Becky
September 29th, 2009
2:31 pm
Truthfully, I’d be worried more if my husband wanted me to sign a contract like some that I’ve seen people do on TV..It states the number of times per week that you will have sex, who washes what, whos cooks what, that if one or the other gains to much weight, thats grounds for divorce..I was a special once on Dateline or 20/20 about marrying couples that have contracts like this..
Becky
September 29th, 2009
2:41 pm
OOPS..Should say I saw a special..
motherjanegoose
September 29th, 2009
2:50 pm
@ new stepmom congrats!
This next month is VERY hectic for me. I do not much have extra time, especially when others falsely use my name on the blog.
There is snoring and there is snoring.
When you can hear your spouse ( who is downstairs) snoring and you are wearing 32 DECIBEL ear plugs….THAT IS SNORING and thus I will get NO sleep and be ill. It is what it is. It is not healthy to GET NO SLEEP. Not to mention the sleep apnea and leg kicks…yikes! Usually I have to speak for 6 hours ( mostly without notes) I have to be alert.
motherjanegoose
September 29th, 2009
3:16 pm
@ JJ…haha…getting advice from my own mother or mother in law…now that was funny!
My own mom never thought I should breastfeed nor work ( outside the home) and my mother in law left her 4 kids to sit in the car for quite a while as she and my father in law enjoyed a few drinks and visited with friends at the club on the military base.
I do agree not to get too worked up over the advice thing but I rarely ever took any advice from either of those two…my kids turned out pretty good in spite of their lineage.
Off to packing…oh wow….if I had to have my husband next to me to sleep, I sure would be in big trouble traveling for business. NO TWO couples are the same and while some feel better touching their spouse all night, some can manage fine for a few days without them. To each his own.
jct
September 29th, 2009
3:31 pm
Wow, there is a lot a passion on this subject. I talk in my sleep, especially when I am stressed. Most nights we sleep in the same bed but if I am on a tangent then I end up waking up alone. At first it used to hurt my feelings until I was taped one night. I was talking about rabbits eating my garden and processing various methods of how to keep them out of my garden. Quite funny if you weren’t trying to sleep. After that I did not have one word to say when I woke up alone. I sleep like a rock but I would go crazy if I had to listen to someone talk 2 to 3 hours per night about nonsense.
jct
September 29th, 2009
3:31 pm
Oh, congrats new stepmom!
New Stepmom
September 29th, 2009
5:06 pm
JJ and MJG, we have already been told by my father in law what this child should be named. That irritated me, but I will take it with a grain of salt. I have always thought that names should be a parent only department and other should refrain from suggestions and critiques.
I can’t wait for all of the advice to begin that will drive me nuts!
DB
September 29th, 2009
6:14 pm
@ New Stepmom — Congratulations, I’m very happy for you both! Practice this response over and over again until it comes naturally: “That’s an interesting idea — I’ll definitely consider it.” It’s one of those non-commital responses that make people go away happy, and gives you something to say when you really just want to say, “Are you KIDDING me? That’s the STUPIDEST thing I’ve ever heard!” Enjoy your pregnancy — it’s such a special time.
FCM
September 29th, 2009
8:30 pm
My aunt and uncle stayed married a very long time. She worked nights and he worked the early shift. They seldom slept in the same bed because the work schedules didn’t permit it. They were married until he died of a heartattack. She died last spring. They raised two children to be responsible adults too.
I was married to a blanket hog. So I put a small blanket for each of us on the bed. We slept next to each other but he was often wrapped like a mummy in the cover. These days I have bed hogs with toes that dig into me (and leave bruises) as they kick and squirm all night. I am all for separate beds, and we have them for each person. Sun – Thurs they sleep in their beds. Fri & Sat they take mine and go to their room to sleep. That way they can watch tv on Sat morning. It is also why I am against bedsharing with infants. Once you let them in they never leave!
I did read that the number one complaint of people sharing a bed is there is not enough room. I cannot decide if this is due to our obesity issues in the US or something else. I mean is a King bed really not enough room for two adults? (I have a Queen and we had same when married).
New Mom–Hope big sis is enjoying the new addition. I know (from personal experience) both the joys and pains of being a mom of two children at once. Be prepared for Barbie Pink to take over — lol!
NewStepMom WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO! As to the name thing, its the most important thing you will ever do. This child will have the name for the rest of his/her life. So, you do what your heart guides you to do. I prayed over my children from the moment I knew they were coming to the present. I prayed over their names to, indeed names (according to Torah and Bible) are very important. It is often said that God called his chosen by name. We are not to know God’s name because that gives the caller power. Yet God calls each of us by name, indeed He knows our name in the womb. (In otherwords, ignoring everyone telling you what to call the baby — Great Aunt Gertrude will live if you don’t name it for her so will Uncle Norbert).
motherjanegoose
September 29th, 2009
9:07 pm
@ FCM…wow that was neat about the names.
As a former Kinder teacher, I named mine each a name that they would be able to write themselves with relative ease. My son has a longer family name but he uses the short version…4 letters for him and 5 for my daughter. I saw way too many kids struggle while writing long names. I also would not name my child a name of a student who gave me bad memories….hahaha! Could not stand to recall that name each day! Both of my own children have names that are not so common…I only had 1 student each in 12 years in the classroom with each of their names.
Night all and have a great weekend…I am off to work!
deidre_NC
September 29th, 2009
9:22 pm
congratulations new stepmom…wonderful news!!
budman–thanks for your service!
deidre_NC
September 29th, 2009
9:39 pm
lol about names…my grandmother in law hated the name i named my second son…she called him ‘that baby’ for 3 1/2 years (until she passed away) lol…we all thought it was hilarious…she was a doll and i adored her…
1st advice i remember getting with my first pregnancy was from a waitress at a diner…i was sitting cross legged–indian style i guess some call it…and she freaked out and told me my baby was gonna have the cord wrapped around its neck..also that would happen if i raised my arms in the air…didnt happen!!…stepmom…you wont even believe what all you will hear…it amazed me all the weird ‘facts’ i heard with everyone of my pregnancies…
BlondeHoney
September 29th, 2009
11:42 pm
Ok i know it’s late but i have to weigh in on the separate bedrooms thing & what Jesse’s Girl said about her grandparents. BOTH sets of my grandparents had separate bedrooms and were the happiest married couples I have ever known…both sets married over 50 years and took care of each other so lovingly in so many ways until the end. Snoring never concerned me, with either my ex or my current love…a comforting reminder of him beside me :)
BlondeHoney
September 29th, 2009
11:49 pm
PS New Stepmom, congrats & deidre_NC is absolutely right you will hear tons of wacky stuff…take it all with a grain of salt :)
Becky
September 30th, 2009
8:08 am
New Stepmom..If the father in law is already telling you what to name the baby, you are in for the long haul..My niece just had a baby girl this past summer and all my coworkers thought it was stupid of her to not find out the sex until the baby was born..She also had a name for each gender picked out and didn’t tell anyone until the baby was born..
So as others said, just take everyones advice with a grain of salt..A lot of it will make a lot of sense and most of it won’t..If all of the people that gave advice would follow their own words, boy wouldn’t we have a world full of great people..You will make mistakes and your baby will still grow up just fine..
JJ
September 30th, 2009
8:28 am
New Step Mom – someone told me this….when you are chosing a name for your child, go outside and YELL that name 15 times (like you are calling them in for dinner)…..then see if you still like that name…..LOL
Sad
September 30th, 2009
9:26 am
No “spooning”. Separate rooms. Now divorce.
Jesse's Girl
September 30th, 2009
9:40 am
I hardly consider not spooning an ingredient in the divorce recipe. We hate spoonng…and we are jim dandy:)
Vork
September 30th, 2009
10:02 am
Wow no new topic today. I guess the irrelevancy of the topics has finally caught up to Theresa…..one can hope.
Becky
September 30th, 2009
10:16 am
@Sad, you don’t always have to be alseep to spoon..
Hunter of MILF
September 30th, 2009
10:22 am
@Becky
Want to spoon?…;)
Jesse's Girl
September 30th, 2009
11:47 am
Vork you:)
Are we putting you to sleep yet? « Newvine Growing — exploring evolution, revolution and living life intentionally
September 30th, 2009
12:38 pm
[...] sleep in separate beds? | INFORMATION HOUSE on Lucy and Ricky beds might help your marriageShould couples sleep in separate beds? | A Blog for Busy Moms – MOMania on Lucy and Ricky beds might help your marriageLenny on Lucy and Ricky beds might help [...]
Vork
September 30th, 2009
12:48 pm
@Jesse’s Girl
Clever retort…yet somehow crass, cheap, and tawdry. Par for the course coming from you though.
Jesse's Girl
September 30th, 2009
1:06 pm
Oh Vork…I certainly hope you aren’t under the silly assumption that I actually CARE what you think! Becasue that would just be sad and pathetic….but you do wear that well.