Who chooses extracurricular activities: Kids or Parents?
My husband and 6-year-old son are currently battling over what extracurricular activity my little guy is going to do this fall. (I’m trying to only have one after-school activity per child since we also have church one of the weeknights.)
My little guy has decided he wants to do the Cub Scouts. He said a lady came by the classroom and told them they get to ride in paddleboats and go camping! He was sold!
Michael of course wants him to be playing a sport – any sport. I pretty much put my foot down about our community’s competitive, tackle, 3 and 4-day a week football program. (Too much time and money for a 6-year-old. Also too physical at this age.) I have been collecting brochures for the local flag football league that has practice and a game on the same day – the weekend (so Dad can help go to practice). I also gathered brochures for a different basketball program and T-Ball programs.
Walsh says he’s not interested in any of those sports. He just wants to join the Cub Scouts.
Michael says we’re the parents so we should decide what extracurricular activities our children do. But he’s not saying that in regards to the cost, safety or appropriateness of the activity. He’s saying it purely on what activity he would choose to do and what he wants his kid playing.
I think the kids are already required to do so much at school, church and home that at least let them choose, within reason, what club or activity they join.
I think it’s perfectly fine to encourage your child to pursue an activity – for example I would like for Rose to try an instrument. However, there’s too much going on to fight with a child every week and make them do an activity they don’t enjoy!
What do you think: Who chooses your children’s extracurricular activities? How much say does the kid get? How many do you allow them choose? Who makes the final decision? What weighs the most in making the decision: Interest of the child, advantage to them later in life (resume building), cost, convenience, number of practices?
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80 comments Add your comment
good grief
August 25th, 2009
1:36 pm
I just read the Boy Scout Oath and I have no idea why someone would write that a gay person cannot take that oath.
JJ
August 25th, 2009
1:50 pm
Yuki, why not let your kid camp with an Atheist? What’s wrong with that?
And yes you are over protective if you don’t let you child around people who’s views are different than YOURS..
JATL
August 25th, 2009
1:56 pm
Theresa, sounds like you need to print most of this out for Michael to read if he doesn’t log on to read it anyway. He has a child who will be 6 one time in his life. He will be a child for a VERY short time. I LOVE LOVE LOVE UGA football, but they played long before I was born, and I’m pretty sure they’ll still be playing after I die. Most autumn Saturdays find me watching them, but on the chance that something involving my children conflicts -guess where I’ll be? WITH THE KIDS!!! My husband will be too -even if he grumbles. Anyway -does he have to be at every football game anyway? Aren’t many little kids games in the morning? Some UGA games are at night -a time I seriously doubt your son’s games would be. Michael sounds like he seriously needs to rethink some priorities.
Jesse's Girl
August 25th, 2009
2:03 pm
Jesse chooses what home games he wants to go to….family commitments dictate he can’t go to all. I am thankful that he has no trouble balancing our obsession with all things UGA and our family during the fall. I love you to death and repsect Michael very much….he’s brilliant and and a wonderful provider…but he needs to grow up just a touch and realize that while he’s cheering on the DAWGS, his kids are blazing by him.
YUKI
August 25th, 2009
2:12 pm
JJ, I did not say I was “over” protective. I just don’t want those influences on my children in activities we choose to do. I don’t have a problem with other people having different views….to each his own. I did not say I don’t want my child around ANYone that is gay or atheist. All I’m saying is, I would not want a LEADER influencing my child just like I’m sure atheists don’t want the preacher from my church influencing theirs. Understand???
motherjanegoose
August 25th, 2009
2:18 pm
JATL….great points.
I forgot all abut our son taking karate….he did try out all sorts of sports except football but loves watching it. When I asked him if ( after he finishes school) he might take a position outside of Atlanta or GA, he told me it would be hard as he loves the sports teams here….we will see!
newmom, yes pianists sometimes need a push. I took for years and hated practicing. I do not play much now. When my daughter wanted to take lessons….I told her she would have to stick with it from Sept. -May as we were making a commitment, her choice but we would see it through. I have bad memories of being forced to practice and did not want a fight on my hands with my daughter. We stayed with it for 5 years and then she was ready to quit. She still enjoys playing, on her own.
I tend to think music lessons is nice as you can play an instrument your entire life, unlike some sports. I do not see many 40 year old cheerleaders…..hahaha. Even golf and tennis would be enjoyable for a LONG time.
No Scouts, No Way
August 25th, 2009
2:18 pm
The Boy Scouts DO NOT ALLOW gays or atheists to participate. They do not ALLOW individual groups to deviate from this policy. It’s got nothing to do with whether gays or atheists would want to participate: they are not welcome. This is clearly stated in the Boy Scout rules (see the Supreme Court Case).
motherjanegoose
August 25th, 2009
2:22 pm
Yuki…I agree with you…I do not think those who are not into church or practice and religious/faith based activities would want to send their kids to say Vacation Bible School for a week. I remember, years ago, a neighbor told me that she was sending her child to a Baptist Preschool. The neighbor was Jewish, This took me by surprise but I laughed when I asked her how it was going and she said, ” they do talk a little too much about Jesus…” HELLO….we are talking Baptists here….
No Scouts, No Way
August 25th, 2009
2:22 pm
Here are the Boy Scout Policies(you can check for yourself):The Boy Scouts of America maintains that no member can grow into the best kind of citizen without recognizing an obligation to God. In the first part of the Scout Oath or Promise the member declares, ‘On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law.’ The recognition of God as the ruling and leading power in the universe and the grateful acknowledgment of His favors and blessings are necessary to the best type of citizenship and are wholesome precepts in the education of the growing members.”[2]
In 2004, the BSA adopted a new policy statement:
“Boy Scouts of America believes that homosexual conduct is inconsistent with the obligations in the Scout Oath and Scout Law to be morally straight and clean in thought, word, and deed. The conduct of youth members must be in compliance with the Scout Oath and Law, and membership in Boy Scouts of America is contingent upon the willingness to accept Scouting’s values and beliefs.”[17]
dixie pixie
August 25th, 2009
3:04 pm
My boss has her daughter involved in dance, cheerleading, band, youth group, and hosting international exchange students because _one_ of them _might_ land her a scholarship of some sort. Me personally, I see how much the daughter actually hates each thing in which she is involved. She really wanted to be on the debate team, but Mommy didn’t feel that was “outgoing” enough for the girl.
Andrea
August 25th, 2009
3:11 pm
It seems like YUKI is being beat up but I understand what she is saying. Parents are the first line of influence with your child. After that, you would want people in positions of influence to have similar views to yours – whatever those views may be. There isn’t anything wrong with that mindset. Whether you are pro-this or anti-that, you as a parent, have the right to say who you may want influencing your child.
DB
August 25th, 2009
3:25 pm
HB, the Boy Scouts are a private organization, not a public one, and as such, in 2000, the Supreme Court ruled that the Boy Scouts could choose their leaders using their own criteria, due to rights of free association. The Boy Scouts had dismissed an assistant leader who had become active in the gay community, and the assistant leader sued. Ironically, the assistant leader had grown up in Boy Scouts, even earning his Eagle, and had become an assistant leader while in college. However, while in college, he came out and was president of the Rutgers Gay/Lesbian alliance, and after speaking publicly at rallies, he was removed as an assistant leader.
You’re right, there’s nothing specific in the Boy Scout literature that addresses a ban on homosexuality. It specifically directs boys to direct any questions regarding sexuality to their family or spiritual leaders. I’m not aware of any instance where a gay boy has been thrown out of Boy Scouts (although I am sure there are probably instances, as there have been with atheists). The Boy Scout Oath, which each member recites and agrees to follow, ends with the promise to “keep myself . . . morally straight,” which the Boy Scouts have interpreted, in addition to other aspects, as not including homosexual behavior.
I’m not going to get into an argument about whether or not it’s “proper” or “gay-friendly”. Obviously, it’s not. But it’s a private group, and has the right to make it’s own rules as to what they think are appropriate. Just as you can’t force a fundamentalist church to accept a practicing lesbian as a minister, the Boy Scouts have determined that they do not wish to be in a position as seeming to support homosexuality. For one thing, their membership would plummet, because no matter how forward-thinking or modern most parents claim to be, they ARE uncomfortable with the idea of their young sons being under the supervision and influence of an openly gay male. That’s life. *shrug* Camp Fire USA is a great organization — but it only reaches 600,000 boys and girls nationwide. Compare that to the 2.8 million that BSA reaches, and the 2.6 million Girl Scouts, just in the United States, and who are also part of much larger, world-wide organizations.
If someone wants to diss the Boy Scouts because of their position on gay leaders — well, that’s fine. It’s not going to change them. They aren’t a bunch of gay-hating fundamentalists, and neither are the vast majority of their members. People join Boy Scouts because of the fun the kids have, the experiences that are available to them, and the opportunity for them to develop and practice leadership skills. All good things. They aren’t taught to hate gays at Boy Scouts. That, unfortunately, comes at home, friends at school and, sadly, some churches.
Jewels
August 25th, 2009
3:38 pm
I do not consider myself a hyper-parent although I admit my child does a lot of activities. Since I only have one child it’s a lot easier to do more than one activity and I do let her choose what she wants to do. I was athletic growing up and I loved sports but my child does not feel the same way. She loves music so that is where we put our money. Scouts is a great activity and since it is right after school it is not much of a burden on either of us. Also, Wednesday night church has wonderful activities and includes a family meal. She loves to swim which great, especially since it is a summer only activity. I think you just have to balance it out. Having one activity per child is a good idea. If scouts is after school and flag football is on the weekend than maybe two would work. In my opinion it just depends on the activity and what is involved. Also the kid should make the choice. My husband still complains about the time he spent playing pee-wee football when he would have rather done something else–he’s now a history professor and does NOT play football. His parents didn’t make him play but there just weren’t many choices when we was young. Now there are tons of choices so let the kid choose and have fun with it!
DB
August 25th, 2009
3:55 pm
The 2004 policy is not in the handbooks, it was adopted by BSA as a policy. They are very clear that membership in BSA is a privilege, not a right, and that as an organization, “the responsibility for instilling Scouting values and beliefs is entrusted to adult volunteer leaders. One of the most important methods of Scouting is adult association, because association with adults of high character is critical to a boy’s development. Scouting’s program for instilling values in young people teaches through both principles and concrete examples of adult leaders. Adult volunteer leaders not only espouse Scouting’s values and beliefs, but more importantly they embody them as role models to Scouting youth. Through teaching, counseling, and role modeling, adult leaders play a critical role in transmitting Scouting values and beliefs to the boys. A boy may spend more time with his Scoutmaster, on weekend campouts and other small-group activities away from home, than he spends with his own father.
That’s what they believe. If you don’t like it, don’t join — easy.
FCM
August 25th, 2009
4:08 pm
WOW! This topic took interesting turns today.
Well I had one child that was very active. People told me to get that child into sports….We tried soccer and the child hated it…same with tennis.
Older sib sat through a season of soccer and asked why she wasn’t in a league. This same child has never once indicated she liked sports! Well I signed her up the next season and we are now on season 5. She loves it. She also loves music and so this year she is able to try learning an instrument in school…she picked the instrument out too from the choices the school gave her.
In both instances her father started on the “I hate soccer! You had to pick soccer for her didn’t you–why couldn’t it be something interesting?” or “Does she know how hard it will be to learn how to play that? Nobody will want to talk to her they will think she is a geek!”
UM REALITY CHECK: Your not playing soccer, and some people find it intersting. Just because your a neanderthal culturally deficient horse’s arse, doesn’t mean we all are.
My take (obviously) is this is about the child having the chance to try (safely) the things that interest the child. Time, money, other activities may very well weigh in on how many said child(ren) can participate in at any given time.
At my house: For the Older child we are working on 2 this year. The younger child is considering the options and will be enrolled in something when it is clear what the child wants to do.
Denise
August 25th, 2009
4:21 pm
This is a good question. I think I asked to participate in what I wanted to do but still had to get the OK from the parents. I played sports (volleyball and softball even though I sucked at softball) and danced until I didn’t want to or couldn’t balance my time. When I started playing volleyball every night I could barely make it to my dance classes with enough energy because volleyball practice whipped me. I quit dancing because I wanted to focus on volleyball. I say all that to say, I was not forced to do anything I didn’t want to. My brother was the better athlete and could basically do anything he wanted to (except basketball) so whatever he wanted to do, and what our parents could afford, he did. No pressure to do any of it, just support for him. He tried his hand at violin as I did with clarinet but we both sucked and quite. Again, we both ASKED to do these things and got agreement. I think that when a child asks for something specifically and it’s not cost or time prohibitive, I think that activity should get priority over what the parents want them to do. Face it, some parents want to live vicariously thru their kids. Some have ideas of what a boy “should” want to do and what a girl “must” do to be a girl. /rolling my eyes/ Kids have preferences very early in life and I think it’s important to foster a child’s interest and help them to succeed in it until they quit or something makes the activity too difficult to do. I was in HS when I made the dance vs. volleyball so I could decide rationally; for young kids, the parents will have to decide based on cost and time but, to me, not so much the activity. (I have a friend who wants his son to play the harmonica and take tap dance…I doubt his 11 year old wants to do any of that but he is going to be forced…which sucks.)
HB
August 25th, 2009
4:22 pm
Thanks for the detailed info, DB. Do you know if the Girl Scouts take the same stand on gay or atheist leaders? I get what you’re saying about it being a private organization, and these policies probably would keep me from signing a kid up. I don’t think it’s wrong for people to try to get the organization to change its stance, though, especially current members who don’t hold that specific belief and gay men who were once scouts themselves. I know at least two gay men who were Eagle Scouts. I wonder how they feel about not being eligible to lead after putting so much time and effort into the organization (and getting a lot out it as well). As someone with nothing invested (and no foreseeable reason to become involved with the group in the near future), it’s not a battle that I would take on, but I don’t think someone who is invested should be expected to just deal with it and walk away. Organizational beliefs change over time, and that change often begins with internal disagreement and discourse.
FCM
August 25th, 2009
5:05 pm
UPDATE ON THE PYTHON THREAD: A few weeks back we discussed the tragic Python stranggling of a 2 year old. The AJC just posted that the Mother and boyfriend are being charged with manslaughter, third-degree murder and child abuse.
motherjanegoose
August 25th, 2009
5:12 pm
@Jewels… your point about only having one child is a very good one. I cannot fathom running around every night each week with kids in activities. This would have been the case if each of mine chose 2 things and also their church activities. I know lots of folks do it and I see lots of stressed out kids.
I am big on family sit down meals ( which can be prohibitive with sports/music and even church). I have read research saying that families who eat together ( at the dinner table) regularly have children who are less likely to get into trouble and usually excel at school.
I do know that manners, social graces and even eating healthier suffers when we are always on the run. My daughter has a good friend that eats most all meals ( with her family) in front of the TV. They rarely set the table and sit down as a family. To me, this is sad.
Off to start dinner….my son came home from classes today and asked what we are having for dinner. I replied, “steak, salad, baked potatoes, rolls and veggies…maybe salad.” He said, “o.k.”. I replied, “why did you ask?” He then told me that a fellow student talked about going for dinner but he would just stay home. I laughed and said, “if we were having shrimp pasta would you change your mind?’
My husband said that he would go with my son if that is what we were having…
TWO meat and potatoes guys here.
Have a nice night everyone.
DB
August 25th, 2009
6:27 pm
HB, ironically, Girl Scouts has come under fire from the OTHER side of the table for NOT taking a stance on gays and lesbians as leaders. It’s called “damned if you do, and damned if you don’t” :-D Girl Scouts have pointedly avoided formulating a “no discrimination policy”: “GSUSA states that it “does not condone or permit sexual displays of any sort by its members during Girl Scout activities, nor does it permit the advocacy or promotion of a personal lifestyle or sexual preference.” HOWEVER, it is not as centrally governed as the BSA is, and gives a lot of autonomy to local Councils, who often make their own policies. Girls Scouts have become very politically correct in the last few years, dropping the requirement to vow to “to serve God and my country” “if personal beliefs conflict”, etc. Girl Scouts came under a lot of fire a few years ago when a Council in Texas co-sponsored a sex-education seminar with Planned Parenthood for 5th – 9th graders. Right-to-life groups crawled all over that one, claiming that Girl Scouts promoted abortion. *sigh* What they don’t realize is that a parent has to sign a “Sensitive Topics” waiver anytime a girl attends an event such as this. If the parent objects, the girl doesn’t go — easy. The girls at this event were there with their parent’s knowledge and permission. Girl Scouts have long been accused of “developing lesbians” at summer camps, etc. — as if sexual orientation wasn’t hard-wired. Sheesh.
Honestly — so much silliness. Whatever happened to just going to a Scout meeting, earning a badge, and being pleased to be able to tie a square knot or start a fire with a flint? I hate it that groups feel the need to change every organization they come in contact with to meet their vision of political correctness, without regard to the right of those organizations to maintain their own beliefs. If they tried that with a church, they’d be laughed out of town. But because it’s Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts — they’re fair game.
HB, I think you’re right in that organizational beliefs change over times — but the BSA belief system is such an integral part of their organization, it would be like suddenly saying that Christians don’t have to believe in Jesus in order to be Christian. I don’t see it happening any time soon. Girl Scouts have certainly changed quickly with the times — to the point where many members have expressed dismay that Girl Scouts is so busy standing for everything that it, inevitably, stands for nothing. They change their programming every four or five years “to meet changing needs” (translated: to attract new members), whereas the BSA has basically maintained the same programming for decades. In light of a 8% decline in membership over the last 10 years, GSUSA has changed their programming three times, in hopes of attracting and keeping older girls, the major drop off point.
No Scouts No Way
August 25th, 2009
6:27 pm
FYI: I am not gay; I am not an atheist. I am also not Jewish or African/American. I still would not join the Hitler Youth or the KKK. I am not interested in having my child taught that atheists and gays are not good enough; not “morally straight” etc. I am also quite clear that if Jesus accepted tax collectors and prostitutes, he would also not have accepted groups and policies that make other people “wrong” for their beliefs or their sexual orientation.
fk
August 25th, 2009
6:36 pm
The one thing we did not allow our son to do is quit before an activity ended. He signed up for basketball two or three times. The last season, his buddies quit and it irritated me b/c there were kids who were not playing b/c the slots had all been filled. We were the meanest parents b/c he “had to” finish out the season. Same with scouts, he stuck with it until the school year ended, went to summer camp (his choice), but did not sign up again in the fall.
Football was hard work and time consuming. By far, it was the one sport that took up more of his time than any other. Every season, at the end, without fail, he swore he would not play the following year. Yet when spring football rolled around, there he was. I always reminded him that the spring sign-up would carry him thru November, summer workouts included.
Looking back, I’m glad that I did not allow my reservations steer him away from the sport, injuries and all. He has no regrets. And, he learned more than just the game, he learned teamwork, commitment, discipline and most importantly, time management.
deidre_NC
August 25th, 2009
6:38 pm
whew,,what a hornets nest this topic stirred up lol…6 years old is too young to have more than 1 after school activity…and then theres church too…and i think 6 is too young to be committed to more than 2 nights a week plus church night..thats 3 nights (afternoons) a week for activities…plenty. if he doesnt want to play football then he shouldnt be made to. scouts are great but they are a family thing…so if the family (mom and dad) cant be involved a lot then id say no to that…check it out and ask people who are already in what would be his troop. i loved scouting and my kids did…we are avid campers-horseback riders-all that stuff…ive been to many father son trips..since my son didnt have a father to go lol…that was a hoot :)…but someone said karate-that is an awesome sport if you can get a great instructor…lots of mental and physical lessons learned there. i personally think sports are for a little older…they take so much time…my daughter started playing basketball when she was in 3rd grade and it was almost everyday…and games on saturdays. as she got older it literally ruled her life…her last year she didnt play because she said she just wasnt into her whole life being taken over again…i always did have one rule…if you started a season or year you had to finish it. so with scouts if he starts make him finish at least the year…and same with any sport…finish the season…i would vote karate if i had to choose for you…its awesome…(i loved being a scout and was a scout leader too..for my girls and boys–but it is time conssuming and karate is just great really!!) as he gets older he can have more activities…you will feel better about him riding with other people more as he gets older. it is really hard for a family to make time for so many things going on…something crucial-like family time-gets lost in the shuffle…
HB
August 25th, 2009
8:40 pm
More good info and thoughts — thanks, DB!
FCM
August 26th, 2009
4:41 am
Deidre and fk — I concur with the finish the season. My youngest child did not finish the season one time in soccer. At that point the child was spending so much time working at not being on the field it was crazy! However, said child was very young (5). Since then the mandate has been you go for the whole term…Like others, each year at registration I ask, do you want to play or do ‘x’ and let them know how long it is for. Other times I point out that we cannot do it because of other commitments — tennis this summer comes to mind, since I knew they would be traveling with extended family.
A
August 26th, 2009
10:31 am
Here I thought I was the only one who won’t consider Boy/Cub Scouts for their son specifically due to their stance on gays and atheists. I am neither of those, but upon principle I couldn’t in good conscience let my son join a group that bigoted. I agree they are a private organization and as such can make up their own rules. I would never prevent anyone else from joining, but it’s definitely not for our progressive family. I think we’ll stick with sports and music lessons for now.
Rae Pica
August 27th, 2009
11:43 am
Well, you’ve had plenty of input, Theresa; so I won’t go into detail. I just want to say that, as a children’s physical activity who has literally written the book(s) on this subject, I believe you’re completely in the right here. Yes, parents are supposed to guide children. But they’re also supposed to follow their lead. Children need to discover their likes and dislikes, and where their passions lie, on their own. They’ll never do so if their choices are discounted and they do only what they’re made to do!
By the way, thanks for putting your foot down about the football. Excellent decision!! : )
Harpist
August 27th, 2009
10:11 pm
I feel like my situation has been represented already, but will give a synopsis anyway. My daughter is almost 6. She took gymnastics from age 3-4 and became disinterested, so I let her quit. She took ballet age age 5 during the school year, and has no interest in continuing. She took tball in the Spring, swim team in the summer, and now will do Girl Scouts, fall tball, Wed night church and a dance class, which will only be once a week and is preempted by Girl Scouts 2 times a month. My feeling, as mentioned many times, is that I want her to try different things and see where her interests/talents lie. She loves to swim, but swim team wasn’t her favorite at first, but it grew on her as the summer went and she wants to do it next summer. I pushed her to continue Wed night church, since she has talent in singing and she’s in the church children’s choir. Tball, I have to admit, is a little due to me living vicariously through her, but I don’t make her do it. She plays on her boy cousin’s team and it’s a great way for her and I to see some of our family on a regular basis. Girl Scouts is something we’ll try and see how it goes. Dance (hip hop) class is the one thing that she really looks forward to. In my case, I don’t “make” her do any of it and wouldn’t want to do that. She seems to eagerly want activities to look forward to, and asks me daily to tell her what interesting thing she gets to do the following day. All in all, her commitments only take 2-3 weeknights and hopefully will stay that way.
To answer Theresa’s question, I think giving them opportunities (choices) and then letting them take the lead is a great strategy. I am a musician for a living (I know you from the allergy clinic), and I always enjoyed music because my parents didn’t make me do it. Same for the 11 years of softball I played growing up (and the Girl Scouts, and the cheerleading, etc). Bon chance.
Theresa's favorite? cousin
August 28th, 2009
11:16 am
Our family has been active in Girl Scouts since Juliet Lowe’s time, and it broke my heart to have to explain to my son that he couldn’t be a Cub Scout because our family doesn’t believe in joining any clubs that discriminate against people for who they are. I know we did the right thing even though it’s hard for him to watch his sister having so much fun with her troop. We are looking for an alternative for him, but there’s not much in our area.
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