Is there a ‘conception etiquette’?

A wanna-be mother sent a letter to the Slate columnist for manners and morals, “Dear Prudence”.

The woman and her husband were planning to start their family but then her sister-in-law suffered a miscarriage. She writes it’s the perfect time for them to begin to try to conceive but she doesn’t want to hurt her sister-in-law’s feelings by getting pregnant. She asks if there is a “conception etiquette”?

Here is the full question and Prudence’s answer!

I actually think this type of situation happens pretty often. Siblings are frequently of child-bearing age around the same time, hence babies being conceived and born around the same time.  I definitely think there can be jealousy and hurt feelings when one is successful and other has a problem, or when one sibling steps on the other’s announcement.

One of the things that struck me the most about Prudence’s answer is she points out that because a lot of woman get a year focused on them when it’s their time to be the bride they expect the same when they have a baby. And she feels like that shouldn’t be expected.

I disagree. I think an expectant mother should expect to feel pampered and special while she is pregnant. That is a very special time and it takes a lot of physical and mental preparation to become a mother.

I do, however, agree with Prudence that it’s just tough stuff if your sibling or sister-in-law is pregnant at the same time. I don’t think anyone should plan their fertility around someone else’s schedule or hurt feelings – it’s too hard to get pregnant to take that into account.  (I would however hold off until you were Jennifer-Lopez size telling a friend who miscarried that you were pregnant.)

What do you think? Have you experienced hurt feelings, jealousy or wondered about changing your conception time based on what a family or friend was experiencing? Is there a conception etiquette? Should there be one?

71 comments Add your comment

motherjanegoose

July 17th, 2009
7:49 am

Don’t know much about this.

I was pregnant with my ( first child) son while teaching second grade. I waited until I was about to pop out of my regular clothes to tell my students. We had just read a story about secrets and I told them that I had one for them and that it would no longer be a secret when I shared it with everyone. It was so funny because they all just stared at my stomach for days after that …I guess waiting for it to turn into a watermelon size….it finally did as my son was over 10 pounds.

My heart always goes out to those who cannot seem to get pregnant or miscarry and really want a family.
It is so sad, especially when others ( who are not really ready to be mothers or do not need any or MORE children) are popping them out right and left. Yes, there are some IMHO opinion who do not need to be mothers/fathers but are. I know some will disagree.

As catlady once said on this blog…common sense is not so common and ( to me) some ( even adults on this blog) do not have a clue, when I read the comments….I scratch my head and laugh. Perhaps this is what they do when they read mine too LOL.

My sister told me she was pregnant right after I delivered and then again when my son was two.
I laughed at her the second time because I knew what it was like to have a two year old and that hers would be two with a new baby too! Her boys are wonderful but they were full of it when they were little. Mine are 5 years apart and it works for me.

Have a great day all and I hope JJ is having a blast at the beach!

DB

July 17th, 2009
8:04 am

The only thing I did to tip-toe around my pregnancy with our second baby was to delay telling people until I was almost five months pregnant. That way, our news didn’t conflict with my brother’s wedding or my sister-in-law’s first baby. We announced we were pregnant about two weeks after my niece was born. Everyone deserves their moment of focused joy — my brother at his wedding, my in-laws with their first child.

motherjanegoose

July 17th, 2009
8:10 am

DB…what are you doing up so early and with a cohesive comment too…LOL. I thought you were not functional until 10:00 ish…just joking.
Please read my last comment re: yesterday’s blog and let me know your thoughts…I am wondering.
Thanks!

JATL

July 17th, 2009
8:12 am

First off, I don’t think Prudence was saying expectant mothers shouldn’t feel special or pampered; she was saying it’s not okay for women to think they have a “lock” on a time period where they’re the only one in a family or circle of friends who should be allowed to be pregnant at a certain time.

I agree with Prudence. I understand a woman feeling a sting or sad or even jealous in private if a close person is pregnant and she can’t get pregnant or has had miscarriages. When that spills over into public and the hurt feelings are open -that’s ridiculous. Perhaps more than anything else, having children is a HUGE decision and one that needs to be done at the right time for couples. If the time is right for someone, she should do it and others should be happy for her even if they go home and shed some tears.

I have several friends who either can’t conceive or have had numerous miscarriages who I was a little squeemish about telling I was pregnant. I waited until it was necessary, and I knew that it stung a bit, so I tried not to be all gushy-gushy about it around them, but everything worked out fine. I think consideration of feelings is nice, but actually NOT getting pregnant when you want to -that’s stupid.

motherjanegoose

July 17th, 2009
8:29 am

DB…I agree with you and replied…thoughts? The blog topic is acting weird today, some cannot get on it to comment.
Theresa…hope all is well in your world! Hugs….

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

July 17th, 2009
8:58 am

I did check the entry and there was funky type even though I pasted it in correctly — so annoying — we haven’t had the problem in a long time — especially when I don’t use photos or videos — odd!! Should be fixed now.

JA

July 17th, 2009
9:11 am

My close friend and coworker had been trying to get pregnant for over 4 years. WHen i told her I was pregnant she burst into tears, it was pretty horrible.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

July 17th, 2009
9:18 am

I had been trying for an entire you and fill-in host Keith was sooo happy when I got pregnant. She had been pregnant for months and had been afraid to tell me!!! So she could finally tell me she was pregnant when i finally got pregnant with Rose!!!

DB

July 17th, 2009
9:20 am

MJG: Doggie needed to be let out, and husband is out of town . . . then the computer started calling my name . . .

Becky

July 17th, 2009
9:29 am

I have a niece that just had her first child on Tuesday after suffering two miscarriages in less than a year..So this touches home with me..Her
and her Mother are the only two in my family that have ever had a miscarriage..I’m sure that it’s tough to listen to others be happy when you have just lost a child, but as sad as it it, this is life..

I think that JATL’s last paragraph said it the best…If you think it’s the right time for you, you shouldn’t wait..

motherjanegoose

July 17th, 2009
9:30 am

DB…haha…re-check yesterday and let me know. I did not mean to offend anyone about the early to bed…

DB

July 17th, 2009
9:33 am

MJG: Responded to comments re: worms and birds :-)

Sue

July 17th, 2009
9:46 am

If you have a friend that is having trouble conceiving and you tell her you are pregnant, a true friend will be happy for you regardless of her personal situation.

Photius

July 17th, 2009
9:49 am

Touchy subject, and a painful one as well. We’ve found it’s best to hold back the excitement and bite one’s toungue for as long as possible – trying to be as respectful as possible. Sadly the sister will still get hurt, no matter how nice one is. It’s a shame, but it’s a part of life.

Joyce

July 17th, 2009
9:55 am

In the case of a family member/friend who has miscarried or is having a hard time getting pregnant, I think you need to be a little sensitive to their feelings, but not so much that you’re hiding your news or not sharing what you would normally with them. My (younger) brother and his wife got pregnant during the time we were trying. In fact, the child I lost to miscarriage would have been about the same age as my nephew, their first child. We live several hundered miles apart, but if we were geographically closer, I don’t think I would have liked them editing their conversations for me or not sharing some of the events and rituals. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have cried in private, or that I didn’t cry after I got off the phone when my brother told me about the pregnancy. By the same token, I enjoyed listening to pregnancy stories from local friends and coworkers, and participating in showers, even though I never could get pregnant myself. The only bad situation I ever had to deal with was when a couple of coworkers were making what were to me inappropriate jokes about different fertility treatments that people go through. I was doing one of them at the time, so I was pretty hurt by their comments. Being hyped up on Clomid at the time probably didn’t help either! LOL

I guess I’m trying to say that my pain is mine, the world doesn’t have to stop because of it. In fact, I would feel badly if it did!

Joyce

July 17th, 2009
10:00 am

My post was there, now it’s gone…

penguinmom

July 17th, 2009
10:00 am

Just because this woman is trying to conceive doesn’t mean she actually will anytime soon. She shouldn’t put off trying in case it takes a while. We tried for a year before finally taking a fertility drug to get pregnant.

You should absolutely be sensitive about when/how to tell them. And you should be sensitive when the baby actually arrives. I had a friend who miscarried not long before I had my youngest. When she came by to see him, she didn’t want to hold him and that should be respected.

Joyce

July 17th, 2009
10:00 am

Now it’s there again. Very strange!

Nora

July 17th, 2009
10:09 am

This is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard. This is like saying “My sister-in-law’s grandmother recently died. Now my grandmother is in a coma and near death. Is it proper etiquette for her to pass away so soon after another death in the family, or should I ask her to wait until my sister-in-law is finished with her grieving?”

This is LIFE and DEATH, folks. This is a natural part of life. Are we really such self absorbed control freaks that we would try to apply “etiquette” to something as basic as conception?

motherjanegoose

July 17th, 2009
10:18 am

Nora…you have a right to your opinion but how about if you just lost your job and you sister told you that she is getting a promotion with a $25,000 bonus? One would hope that ( if she knew) that she would be SENSITIVE or I guess she could tell her boss that she does not want the promotion or the bonus and perhaps they could hire you….

IMHO this blog is about sharing ideas and tossing things out for review. YES, there are days when I TOO think things are nuts….LOL.

Here is a question…do we entertain this topic more frequently now, as mommas are waiting longer to have children and thus are having more problems getting pregnant and such or are our manners better?
Was it less common when women got married at 19 and had a slew of children without much trouble? Just wondering. Outta here….have a great day everyone!

Dang, Motherjanegoose...

July 17th, 2009
10:44 am

…what does losing your job have to do with this topic? Way to take a suggestion to an extreme that is not relevant!

Denise

July 17th, 2009
11:12 am

This is a touchy and sad subject. It is good to be considerate of your friends and family but I would not expect a couple to put off having children until others heal from their loss or the inability to conceive. True friends will be happy for you even if they cry at home.

I know that conception is not the same as marriage but since I’m not married yet, I’ll use it as an example. Sometimes – especially if I’m in a bad space and have some self-doubt issues – it is hard for me to jump for joy when others announce their engagements. I so badly want to get married and have kids and it doesn’t seem like it will happen anytime soon, unfortunately. But I still go to the showers and parties, go to the weddings, send wedding gifts, etc. I can be sad/jealous on my own time, not theirs. It is unfair to make friends feel bad about sharing THEIR good news because I’m not sure everyone would show the same consideration if the shoe was on the other foot.

motherjanegoose

July 17th, 2009
11:20 am

HOORAH Denise, a wonderful post! I wish you luck in your quest and hope for the best!

Some bloggers are able to think outside of the box and make excellent analogies.

@ Dang…sorry you are not getting my thought process here….etiquette can and does apply to many areas of life including: pregnancy, marriage, death ( as Nora DID mention) and jobs.

Since everyone on this blog is probably not trying to get pregnant ( thank goodness) today, sometimes it helps to broaden the discussion with illustrations that others can relate too and perhaps get the feel for what is happening. I am used to doing this all the time, when I am consulting for a living. Sorry you did not pick that up.

new mom

July 17th, 2009
11:24 am

I have been on both sides of this situation. During our eight years of trying, we had many friends who had babies. Usually close friends would be thoughtful enough to tell me privately, in person or on the phone, rather than me hearing the news in front of many friends. While I was always happy for my friends, it would always sting just a little bit when I’d hear that someone else apparently figured out the magic formula and we hadn’t. But I’d never want them to feel bad about telling me, I was always thankful that I had friends who cared about me!

Now I’m two months away from the arrival of our second (and last) child, and I have a friend who has been trying for a couple of years. And another who just suffered a miscarriage. I am really sensitive around them, not ‘tiptoe’ sensitive, but I try really hard not to make baby talk the only thing we talk about. I also think it’s important for your friends/family to know what you are going through. Chances are they won’t really understand unless they have personally experienced it, but it will at least give them an understanding of where you are coming from. My friend who is trying tells me that she’s always encouraged to see my preganant, because it gives her hope for herself.

TTC

July 17th, 2009
11:32 am

JATL & Penguinmom have said it best hands down. We have been trying to start our family for about 6 months now, with one miscarriage, and in that time have had 10 friends either announce pregnancies or have had their babies. I wouldn’t expect my friends or family to withhold the news, or even think they should wait to try because of what happened to us. In the end, all we want is happy, healthy families and to surround ourselves with good people who love and support each other.

Nora

July 17th, 2009
11:34 am

To Motherjanegoose: Its called “Life….Deal With It”. That’s not to sound harsh, but that is just reality. Thinking we can control every facet of life is an illusion. Conception happens, birth happens, death happens. People lose jobs. Those are things we have to accept and deal with. In the natural order of things, the timing isn’t always perfect but we need to face life, not try to tip toe around it. I’m not saying if you find yourself pregnant the day after your sister has a miscarriage that you should throw a party and rub her face in it. But that’s just the way things happen sometimes and we can be sensitive to others while still living life as it comes.

Andrea

July 17th, 2009
12:00 pm

As one who suffered MULTIPLE miscarriages before my first child was born, I can tell you first hand, that you can get emotional when you hear someone else sharing their glad news, especially if it is soon after your loss. But I have not heard of any instances where a new pregnancy would actually cause tension in the family. I’m not saying it hasn’t happened, I have just never heard of it happening. While others should be sensitive, it is really not necessary to go to the extremes the original letter writer wrote in her letter to Prudence. I am sure that even if the other woman is still hurting, she would not lament her friend’s good news (if she actually got pregnant – the letter said she was going to try to conceive).

I think it is very nice for the letter writer to be considerate of the other woman’s feelings. But, there is really no reason to announce to anyone that you are trying to have a baby. Wait until you are actually pregnant. Then (only if you think it is appropriate and necessary), I would go to the other woman and tell her the news privately.

LT

July 17th, 2009
12:07 pm

I think this is stupid. Having a baby isn’t about anyone else. It took me a year to even get pregnant, so thank goodness I didn’t wait until it was a good time for everyone else. I say, have a baby when you want to have a baby. You can always delay telling your family for a few months if you want. Of course, both my sister and me both knew of each other’s pregancies before we even took the test. We are close, so we could just tell, so you may not have a choice when your family finds out.

I disagree that a woman deserves the right to feel pampered during the prenancy year. Childbirth is a natural part of life. Sure there are some crazy hormones, backpain, and craving, but any real adult should be able to handle themselves in a lady-like manner without the need to have people treat you like princess. I mean, sure it’s a special time, and it takes a lot of work to become a mother, but having other’s wait on you and pamper you is doing nothing at all to help you prepare to become a mother. The best preparation is to learn to sacrifice and do things for yourself, because once that baby comes, it’s not about you anymore, like forever!!!

Joyce

July 17th, 2009
12:14 pm

Good point LT!!!!

Tori

July 17th, 2009
12:17 pm

Nora – something tells me you’ve never experience miscarriage, infertility and maybe not even ttc. Either that, or you just have no regard for others.

Ive been there, and its hard, very, very hard. People with feelings and regard for others consider their friends when they know they’re having a tough time. It doesnt mean that you’re not happy for the expecting couple because you are, but you’re sad for your situation. Sometimes you’re weaker than others and may not be able to handle it well, others you’re just fine. Im so glad my friends understood my pain and Im certainly glad you’re not in my circle.

Denise

July 17th, 2009
12:32 pm

This is a ridiculous story about how some family members respond to the good news of a pregnancy. A friend of mine was pregnant with her second set of twins (God help her!) and someone in her family (not anyone who she was close with…not that it would make it better) said “you ought to give us one of your babies since we can’t have any”. WTH? Some people are d@mn fools. But I guess that’s a way to celebrate…?

lakerat

July 17th, 2009
12:43 pm

There are miscarriages and then there are “miscarriages” – hence, the level of sensitivity must be considered depending upon the circumstances – as Nora so well put it, these things are part of the life cycle – sorry Tori.

We had a really good friend who miscarried at about 22-26 weeks; since she was past the D & C stage they had to induce labor to deliver the non-living fetus. Then they MADE her hold and “bond” with it. While she and her husband handled it very well (they even had to have a funeral) this is a time when, IMHO, one needs to be very sensitive in presenting news of another pending pregnancy by a close friend. They have since had 2 children (both now high school age) so life does go on! And Tori, it is difficult for all to deal, yet, as Walter Cronkite so eloquently put it, “that’s the way it is”.

Denise

July 17th, 2009
1:13 pm

Thanks, Motherjanegoose. And I understand your “job” analogy. When people are struggling in anything, those of us who are not struggling in that area (because we’re all struggling in one way or another) shouldn’t gloat. My brother and his wife are struggling financially so I don’t talk about how much money I make or what I am doing that they can’t. Before anyone asks, yes I do help them on occasion and have never said no when asked but I have learned to be my own first priority and that I cannot overextend myself.

Going back to the conception piece and using my sister-in-law as an example, she has given birth to 5 children (only one for my brother). I do sometimes ask “why her” and “why not me”. As for when she was pregnant and as I was having my pity party, I was the one hosting the shower. Shoot, I was the one taking her to find her wedding dress, making her emergency kit for the wedding…and I don’t even like her. LOL

New Step Mom

July 17th, 2009
1:20 pm

This is a timely topic in our household. I was told on May 12th that my endometriosis has gone into my uterine wall and the only cure was a hysterectomy, but I could try an experimental procedure that may not work but would preserve my fertility an hopefully ease my excrutiating pain. So off to Northside for the experimental procedure where they found one tube completely blocked and endometriosis in addition to what was in the uterine wall. This was my 3rd surgery in 4 years.

In the past 7 weeks, I have had one friend give birth, found out another is pregnant and played with my 10 month old nephew several times. I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER for all of these folks and their children. We want our own kids and have been told to start trying to conceive immediately, but I hope if it is a battle for us that neither one of us holds it against friends and family when new little ones arrive. I will say, I was a little jealous when I found out my friend was pregnant in the sense that I wish it was us, but I am so thrilled for them that the feeling only lasted for seconds. I remember being at a wedding during my single years where 3 still single and bitter girls bashed the wedding and the bride, I sat there is amazement and sadness for them. I got the best husband ever and had the most beautiful wedding ever and I think it was because I chose to be happy for all the couples around me instead of feeling sorry for myself. Those 3 girls…still single. I hope that same attitude will carry us through the next stage in our life and we will have happy healthy little ones, but if not I hope I never begrudge anyone else.

I know this was a long post, but this kind of jealousy and cattiness among women BUGS me.

Becky

July 17th, 2009
2:04 pm

Nora, no one is disouting that it’s not life and death..We are just talking about being concerned about peoples feelings..Guess that one emotion passed you by huh?

Dang, Motherjanegoose and Denise...

July 17th, 2009
2:09 pm

…I got your point the first time; obviously you did not get mine, in that I thought your analogy was not appropriate to the topic – it just did not fit. Nora was not being catty or rude – she was merely pointing out that tough things happen to lots of people.

No, Becky...

July 17th, 2009
2:33 pm

…Nora did not miss “that one emotion” – she also wrote at 11:34am “I’m not saying if you find yourself pregnant the day after your sister has a miscarriage that you should throw a party and rub her face in it. But that’s just the way things happen sometimes and we can be sensitive to others while still living life as it comes”.

It does appear, however, that you missed that part of the blog.

Becky

July 17th, 2009
3:09 pm

To No, Becky..I see that now that Nora didn’t miss it..Guess either my computer is slow or whatever, but that post wasn’t showing when I sent that in..So get off of your portect Nora step, she sounds like she can take care of her ownself…

new step mom, sorry to hear about that..This is the reason that I don’t have any children either..What you describe happening to you is exactly what I went thru..So I’ll be thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers…I had my hysterectomy when I was 32..I’m glad to know that you have a wonderful husband to help you through this tough and emotional time…

jct

July 17th, 2009
3:12 pm

I have to agree with the folks who state that pregnancy is part of the life cycle that will happen for some and not for others. I can’t conceive. Found out when I was 35. I was upset about 2 days then I realized that I have a great stepson whose relationship is precious to me. During this time period, 3 of my closest friends found out that they were pregnant. We all celebrated together. Their pregnancy had nothing to do with my inability to conceive.

I hope that none of my friends would think that I would not be happy for them or that they need to treat me with kid gloves. I also have the same question (can remember who point this out) that are we trying to be extra sensitive now because we have decided to wait longer to conceive so more of us are having problems?

I have told my younger sisters to not wait until their 35 to try to have their first child. In fact, I told my GYN that women born between 1965 and 1975 have been sold bad information. We were told that we could have it all. Undergraduate education, graduate school, start your career, get married when you are in your early/mid 30s and then try to get pregnant. Only one of my friends in my undergraduate circle has gotten pregnant after the age of 32 without some assistance from a fertility doctor. We joke that graduate school shrunk our ovaries.

Unfortunately, life has a silly way of reprioritizing what is important. I glad for the family that I have not the one I did not conceive.

Actually...

July 17th, 2009
3:36 pm

…my wife and I were born in the 1950’s and we did not get married until we were 30 – first marriage for both of us. We were “early” for the “you can have it all generation”, and we did have it all. The first child was born at age 33 for us and the second at age 35 – no need for any fertility crap either time.

So no, graduate school and several years of work before conception DID NOT shrink the overies or reduce the sperm count – you were sold a crock if you believe that – it is just the luck of the draw.

We were also much older than all of our “peer” parents, but we did well, the kids did well, and life goes on. So, prioritizing is not necessarily a bad thing!

DUH

July 17th, 2009
3:44 pm

Did you also think that you could buy the Brooklyn Bridge?

jodee

July 17th, 2009
4:26 pm

If my siblings and their wives had waited for my conception saga to be history, there wouldn’t have been any babies born in the next generation. Miscarriages and infertility are extremely painful emotionally, and I grieve every month for my baby that will never be conceived and born. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. However, as someone said earlier in the blog, LIFE is like that, and people should not put their own lives on hold because things don’t turn out the way they wish they would. Sensitivity and honest communication are the keys here, not timing. Yes, there have been times when it was hard for me to rejoice at the announcement of a pregnancy, especially when it was described as an accident, but I love all of those nieces and nephews to pieces.

jct

July 17th, 2009
5:16 pm

@actually…did you not see JOKE or the last two sentences in my post.

FCM

July 17th, 2009
5:22 pm

Every time I was pregnant at least one other sister-in-law was too. One gave birth 8 days after I did.

It happens….I did not get all the attention etc. In fact neither set of grandparents have ever been truly overjoyed that we were having kids (maybe b/c they could see the marriage rocky where we didn’t?). BOTH sets of grandparents have been very overjoyed once the children got here.

I did feel ‘cheated’ about not having that whole WHOOOOPEEEE YOUR PREGNANT experience. (Oh, and I miscarried one too). However, I never resented that neices and nephews were on the way.

Be sensitive but don’t be stupid.

I was really surprised to see so much on this subject today.

DB

July 17th, 2009
5:27 pm

JCT, actually, fertility decreases rather sharply after 35 — early 30’s are still pretty fertile for most women (obviously, not all). Also, the rates of spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) doubles is on a fairly steady increase up until age 40 – at that point, it doubles the rate (35%) from the rate at 35 (18%). Basically, women’s bodies haven’t really changed much in the last couple of hundred years. My husband’s grandmother was very concerned when we waited to start our family. When I turned 30, there was much clucking and shaking of the head, with muttered warnings that “Your hips lock after you turn 30 — you’ll NEVER get pregnant!” I was three weeks shy of 32 when my son was born, and 34-1/2 when my daughter was born.

Although, I do agree with you that girls that grew up in the 60’s and 70’s were sold a load of codswallop in the sense that “you can have it all.” (vis a vis that stupid Enjoli perfume commercial!) As one very wise woman told me when I was pregnant with my first child: “You CAN have it all — but not necessarily at the same time.” That long-term view of life really helped me focus on what was important to me and my family at different periods of my life. I sometimes shake my head at the irony of women who spend 15 years trying very hard NOT to get pregnant, only to discover that getting pregnant wasn’t as easy as they were led to believe.

fk

July 17th, 2009
6:25 pm

We had been at a big family summer bbq when my husband’s cousin and his wife stood up on the deck and rang a bell. They announced that they were expecting a baby in March. My husband and I looked at each other…we had not said anything and I was due two months ahead of her. We definitely did not want to steal their thunder, but we had planned on announcing our news that day, but just not as pronounced. We held back for a good part of the party, but wanted to tell his aunts, etc., because we were transferring to Atlanta at that time, too. His cousin and wife were actually excited for us, too, and she wanted to ring the bell for us.

I realized I was pregnant two months after a good friend miscarried. She was happy for me and she wound up having a baby about 10 months after me. I did feel some angst before I told her, though. She was great, she organized a small going away baby shower and lunch, just close girlfriends, before I moved away.

Regarding marriages & engagements…my brother and his wife became engaged shortly before our wedding. It did not phase me in the least. I was happy for them and I even went ring shopping with him. However, my brother-in-law’s (husband’s brother) wife was so touchy over her “wedding season.”

My husband had purchased the engagement ring and actually thought about surprising me at their wedding with a proposal. That would have gone over like a lead balloon. I would not want to have “ruined” her day, and quite frankly, I would not have wanted to become engaged that day, knowing how she felt. My husband proposed to me a week after they came back from their honeymoon, and she still could not mutter the word, “congratulations”. I don’t know how long she expected my husband to wait, he is only a year younger than his brother. Now, had we gotten engaged after them and rushed to be married before, I could understand her irritation.

I just never understood the egocentric person. There’s a whole world out there filled with other people and they experience happy and tragic events, too, sometimes, at the very same time as everyone else.

catlady

July 17th, 2009
6:26 pm

I have not had many friends or family touched by infertility, but a person should always be gentle with someone who is having a hard time, for any reason. Does that mean to forego pregnancy? Of course not. Just be loving and sensitive and thoughtful and thankful.

I DO hate to see young women who seem to be in competition with their sisters. I know a couple who have seemed to compete on their weddings, their childbirths, etc. I just hope they don’t start competing on divorces!

deidre_NC

July 18th, 2009
6:27 am

when i was pregnant with my first child one of my best friends with whom i also worked had just had a still birth..my baby was born about a month after hers. it was a little touchy and i just tried to keep low keyed around her..she was great and never made me feel weird or anything-the worse thing was this-i had a friend who had a daughter 1 year exactly older than my youngest andhers died of some still unknown virus when they were about to turn 4 (mine) and 5 (hers). that was absolutely horrible–the whole experience of having a best friend lose a child was simply too devasting for words. what was bad for me was i wasnt sure i should continue my frequent visits as i was worried that seeing my child would be too hard for them. well they set that straight–calling me and telling me to please not stop coming over so often and bringing my daughter-they said it really helped them to see her. it was such a hard time…and they-the devastated parents made it ok…

as for the pregnancy thing-being pregnant is so special…if you think your joy is hurtung someone then of course tone it down around them…and stay thankful that you are experiencing your happiness…no need o put it in peoples faces that are having ahard time with it.

Jesse's Girl

July 18th, 2009
11:09 am

This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard of. Of course, you share in the grief when a pregnancy is lost! Of course, you are there for your friend, sibling, what have you….but you also do not stop living your own life! With all of the chemicals and hormones we encounter these days…its seems to be becoming increasingly difficult to reproduce without medical intervention. So if body temp is ideal….candles are lit…and the mood is bow-chicka-bow-now……YOU MAKE A BABY!!!!!!!!

Lulu

July 18th, 2009
12:35 pm

My immediate reaction was anyone so immature as to pose such a question has no business reproducing yet. Perhaps when she realizes that conceiving a child requires a committment far beyond some misplaced concern for anyone other than the immediate trinity of child, mother and father. Parenthood may require heart-breaking sacrifices for a long time to come that make such simplistic concerns trivial. If you can’t handle this you’ll never make it as a REAL parent. Laughable!

Lulu

July 18th, 2009
1:04 pm

I see my comment was there. Now gone. ?

Grammaw

July 18th, 2009
6:29 pm

I had 3 miscarriages, at a time when many friends were having their babies, before and between my two successful pregnancies. I know how I felt when they were “popping out”, and I was so envious. I actually got to the point where I picked arguments with good friends because of that envy. I was very ashamed. But this is just to show that feelings go wild when someone who wants kids (as bad as I did) find it difficult to get and STAY pregnant. I wouldn’t schedule my children around brothers’ or sisters’, but I wouldn’t flaunt mine, either. Even tho I have no siblings, I can understand the hurt and envy they would have if I became pregnant while they tried so hard themselves. I’ve been on the other end of that, and didn’t like it one bit. If THEY brought the subject of my pregnancy up, then I’d talk about it…but I didn’t bring it up if I thought they were sensitive about it. It’s a fine line…

Martha

July 18th, 2009
7:34 pm

I would really appreciate it if my friends would not tell me the day after they have sex that they are pregnant! Please…wait until you are 3 or 4 months, at least….but also, please wear maternity clothes and not the skin tight ones. Ewwww…lol

Millie Thomas

July 18th, 2009
8:05 pm

Enter your comments here

Jeff

July 19th, 2009
6:40 am

Somewhat timely topic…

T and I had a miscarraige about a year and a half ago, but she has had a couple of friends get pregnant since then- and in fact, I have to leave my house for several hours today so she can throw a shower for one of them. She seems to be handling it pretty well, but I also know how desperately she wants a child of our own.

That said, we’re heading down to JAX this weekend for a 3 day weekend – including a visit to a fertility specialist. What’s going to come of this? Who knows. Could be a lot of money down the drain for something that will happen eventually without their help. But I kicked off a new training schedule yesterday with a crucible, so I’m going to try to start getting in better shape and see if that has anything to do with it. :D (Hiked 10 miles – with ZERO prior training – with State Rep Austin Scott on his ‘Walk of Georgia’. Trust me, my calves in particular are NOT my fans this morning! Longest I had done prior to that was roughly 6 miles almost exactly 7 yrs ago in Austin TX on accident!)

Lisa Love

July 19th, 2009
8:59 am

I have been pregnant 6 times and I have three kids so do the math. I have also been through fertility treatments and had a hard time getting pregnant. While going through all this drama I had many friends and family member get pregnant seemingly effortlessly and have healthy babies. While it did pain me to have to see pregnant bellies while I was miscarrying and have trouble even getting pregnant, I kept my sorrow between myself and my husband. To my pregnant loved-ones I showed them love and happiness for their joyous news. When I did get pregnant and finally had healthy babies I wanted people to rejoice with me, not cry on my shoulder because they were sad for themselves in the face of my good news. That is so selfish! I know it can be hard, I’ve been there, but you simply have to show a pregnant woman love and joy no matter how you are feeling inside!

Jesse's Girl

July 19th, 2009
9:01 am

You go Jeff!!!! Getting healthy can definitely add to your chances of conception….very proud of and for you!

Preggo

July 19th, 2009
9:04 am

Jesse’s Girl, your body temp goes up AFTER you ovulate. By then it is too late to get pregnant. You have to have sex before you ovulate. Study up on your science before you start giving everyone fertility advice.

KCA

July 19th, 2009
9:37 am

After my miscarriage I was always happy for those that got pregnant, but sometimes I was not as excited as the expectant parents would like. But that was true before my pregnancy as well and is still true now that I have a baby. Some parents-to-be honestly feel that everyone else’s lives should revolve around their pregnancies. Of course some parents believe the same thing about their children too.

I think this is more of a problem now not because of an increase in fertility problems but because of a spreading sense of entitlement.

DB

July 19th, 2009
10:01 am

KCA — Is there an “increase” in fertility problems now? Or is there just an increase in people trying to get pregnant after their bodies are past optimal child-bearing? Fertility starts decreasing after age 25, and drops dramatically after 35. Interesting question — I would suspect that the average age of patients in a fertility clinic are mid-30s or more – 43% of IVF patients are over 35. In previous generations, women got married in late teens, early 20s, and had finished their family long before they were 30, during their peak childbearing years, so there wasn’t the issue of “fertility” problems, because no one wanted to get pregnant in their 30’s! So is it an increase in fertility “problems”? Or is it just society running into problems finding the limits of what the human body can do?

fk

July 19th, 2009
11:23 am

Hope it all works out for you two, Jeff!

DB

July 19th, 2009
12:59 pm

Jeff: Good to hear from you again. Hugs to you and T. as you work through this challenge.

motherjanegoose

July 19th, 2009
2:27 pm

DB…just what I was wondering at my 10:18 post on Friday. Jeff…best wishes for you!

new stepmom

July 19th, 2009
4:08 pm

Jeff…best wishes to you guys.

Becky, thanks for the support….it has been a tough two months. We hope to be pregnant soon, but if not God will bless us with a family in the manner that is his will.

Jesse's Girl

July 19th, 2009
7:04 pm

Um..hey Preggo…lighten the frick up a bit ok? Or get a sense of humor…whatever tickles your fancy.

Jeff

July 19th, 2009
7:31 pm

Thanks for the well wishes all. Sorry I haven’t been as active on here this year, but most of you know why. I’ll try to drop back in after we get back and give y’all an update! (Walked 1 mile today even with my legs screaming at me!Trying to find a relatively dog-less route!)

ICC

July 20th, 2009
4:51 pm

Regarding taking peoples thunder I would love to get pregnant the same month that my sister or sister in law got pregnant just for the fact that my kids will have cousins the same age and the women can support each other through every step of pregancy change experiences and ideas(when you decide to be a mom it is not about you anymore). I also think that yes you have to be concerned with others if a loved one has just had a miscarrige be considerate but do not stop trying because of it.

Annie

July 20th, 2009
11:21 pm

Nobody ever said life was fair – there’s always going to be someone somewhere who’d rather not hear your good news, be it about engagements/pregnancy/new boyfriend/girlfriends/promotion at work/new job. It’s life, plain and simple. If we were to tiptoe around everyone when we got some good news, we’d probably end up celebrating alone! A good friend or family member will grin and bear it, and deal with their own emotions on their own time.

RunningHorse

July 21st, 2009
1:20 am

14 years ago, I got a Ph.D. and started into a fast paced career. Life was good… But when I wanted to start a family, nothing happened but miscarriages and countless other medical complications… Boy was it hard then. I wanted a child so bad. I was devastated after trying to get pregnant for years. After enduring doctors’ poking, prodding and endless tests, my daughters finally arrived.
My girls are in middle school now. I can tell you, life really heals from this stuff. There is such joy when you get there. You guys still in the trenches, you will cherish you little one(s) when they finally arrive. The journey is worth it once when you finally get to the other side. Hang in there.

DUH

July 21st, 2009
8:11 am

ICC, boy would you love my family if you want them close..I have five sisters that each have three children and all of them were born within 3-4 months of each other about three years apart..

Jeff, sorry to hear about the tough time that you and T are going through..I’ll keep y’all in my thoughts also…

Preggo

July 21st, 2009
9:10 am

Jesse’s Girl, you seriously need to get a life. You spend way to much time on this blog.