What do you do when you hate your BFF’s husband?

Our guest blogger today is Jesse’s Girl! And she sent in a doozy! Here’s what she wrote:

I don’t like him….I can’t help it. Lord knows I have tried. I have turned the other cheek. I have vented to Mr. Jesse. I have vented to other friends. I have journaled and prayed. Nothing….and I do mean nothing…changes the fact that every time I see him, I want to thwop him upside the head.

Who has earned such eye-rolling ire you ask? Its my friend’s husband. The man has actually been known to cause hives…serioulsy. Now I must say…I love my friend. I love her like my sister…and if I thought for a hot-second that she read anything other than pre and post planning, I’d never post this. There are only 3 people in the world who know my true identity….and they all know I would hunt them down and slice them like a filet if they ever snitched:) And my friend’s husband doesn’t read anything longer than a tweet. So I feel pretty safe asking for the sage wisdom and advice of Momania’s regulars (and visitor’s!) on how best to handle my ever increasing FHI’s…..Friend-Husband-Issues!

A little FH history…..He has…

1. Cheated on her

2. Never changed a light bulb, used a hammer, or cut the grass a day in his life.

3. Has never finished anything he started…including (sadly)  Seminary.

4. Has no respect for my friend…or any woman for that matter.

Now…I know my liking or not liking my FH is not a prerequisite. And in the grand scheme of things…this is a rather unimportant bump in life’s road. But my quandry goes even deeper I think. I struggle with the notion that my sweet, caring, beautiful, giving and faithful friend allows her husband to get away with such BS! Perhaps my disdain has less to do with him and more to do with her? Cause’ you best believe that Jesse would NEVER pee normally again if he behaved in this way!

I have tried to bring this up to her….but its so very difficult to find the words. I can see what it does to her when he acts childish. But I can also see the love she has for him.

So my question…..should I go on keeping my mouth peacefully shut? Or the next time she cries about this or that…should I lovingly intimate that its she who is perpetuating this by not taking a stand? Now, my Momania junkies….you may talk amongst yourselves:)

87 comments Add your comment

catlady

June 30th, 2009
12:37 pm

JG, it’s probably good that he never finished the ministry (what denomination, by the way?) There are too many misogynist “pastors” out there “counseling” people as it is.

I imagine you are torn between being there for her and feelings that she needs to develop some self-respect and act on it. Listening to someone frequently who seems to, in some perverse way, enjoy being mistreated, can drive you nuts! I think you should suggest she see a counselor of some type (not spiritual, IMHO) so she can clarify her thinking and have someone “safe” challenge her crazy assumptions. You are probably not that person, as you have too much stake in her. It can definitely have a negative impact on you to always be the support–like you are taking on the marital pain, too.

I’d also suggest you read “Games People Play” about transactional analysis so you can see your own accepted role more clearly. (Why Don’t You, Yes But or Poor Me or Let’s You and Him Fight, for example)Are you being co-dependent? At what point does her inaction become your problem?

I speak about this because I was someone who was mistreated and it took a while to believe I didn’t deserve and wasn’t going to have that treatment. I am also serving as a sounding board for a good friend who is terribly mistreated by their spouse, yet seems unwilling to take the step away, or even to examine why put up with it. So I have been on both ends.

shaggy

June 30th, 2009
12:48 pm

JG: Does that mean you are fantasizing about running over me, along with your husband;)

Sorry, I just can’t fathom meddlesome behaviour. I was raised to stay out of other’s business that does not concern me. I have life long friends, who expect this much from me, as I do them. We will be friends for the rest of our lives and accept each others baggage, never interfering. If one of us does ask the other for advice, it is given, without judgement. To me and my friends, that is friendship.

dogma

June 30th, 2009
12:55 pm

JG-

Tread carefully. I think you should just be the shoulder for her to cry on, and keep your thoughts to yourself. I know that is extremely hard to do, but please try. I think if you let her know how you really feel, that you will lose her friendship.

I had a close friend who constantly reminded us that her husband was such a good man. Well, one weekend, while staying the night in their home, I woke up to find that ‘good man’ in the buff getting in my bed.
What could I do? He left my room when I rejected him and demanded he leave,………..but I couldn’t very well tell my friend about it, now could I?

So, that pretty much ended our friendship. She is still with the jerk.

JJ

June 30th, 2009
12:58 pm

Jessie’s Girl – You are doing a fantastic job today.

New Mom, great topic yesterday, and you did a great job too.

Jesse's Girl

June 30th, 2009
1:20 pm

Shaggy….yes! Currently my car of choice for running you over is a 66 Mustang….it may change later on…I’ll keep you posted.

Razz

June 30th, 2009
1:25 pm

i agree with JJ, bravo you guys for such great and interesting topics!

Razz

June 30th, 2009
1:26 pm

Jesse’s girl: i never noticed before how funny you are! lovit!

JJ

June 30th, 2009
1:51 pm

Dogma, I would have DEFINATELY mentioned my friend’s husband coming nekkid into my room and crawling into bed with me.

Wouldn’t you want to know? That’s the question I always ask myself in situations. Would I want to know? If the answer is Yes, then I let them know……but when a friend’s husband comes into my room, like yours did, she would know in a heartbeat.

Imagine your friend finding this out, and you never told her. How hurt would she be that you knew something and didn’t tell her.

All my friends told me about my husband’s affairs. I was in denial at first, but when EVERYONE started telling me, I figured HE was the liar. We are divorced. There are some things of which I will NOT put up with.

I say you need to tell your friend immediately. You may not be the only one he wanted to get jiggy with!!!

'lanta gurl

June 30th, 2009
2:27 pm

i know where you’re coming from, as i have that situation with my sibling’s SO. my whole family hates this person and my sibling cannot see why. the SO is just trashy and bad for my sibling, who unfortunately has always had a “need to be needed” which has consequently resulted in some less than great relationships.

my parents can’t even speak with this person in my sibling’s presence. they’re not married…yet, but God help us all if that day does come.

if they’re still together when i get married, i don’t know how i can avoid this person coming to my wedding and/or being in the “family” pictures. my parents would have a fit, but not to do so would hurt my sibling.

(i’m deliberatly not being gender specific because i don’t know if they read this blog or paper. don’t think they’d recognize themselves, but best to be careful.)

so far, i’ve managed to keep out of it- it’s my sibling’s life and choice. even if i think it’s the worst choice they’ve ever made.

catlady

June 30th, 2009
2:30 pm

Re being around the husband: my family had a saying coined by my grandmother when my aunt remarried her ex-husband after he abandoned her to raise her son alone in the 40s (and he subsequently was killed at 16 in an alcohol fueled accident) “If Janet can sleep with him, you and I can eat with him.”

JJJ

June 30th, 2009
3:08 pm

You have the problem! Only you can controled your emotions–no one else. You must go beyond the superficial reasons you listed to discover why you do not like this guy. If your friend is OK with it…WHY does it bother you?

momtoAlex&Max

June 30th, 2009
3:18 pm

catlady: I LOVE that! My father has a similiar one too, but not quite as polite…if you know what I mean.

Still, it’s tough to watch someone you care about being in a relationship with a jerk.

momtoAlex&Max

June 30th, 2009
3:19 pm

To JJJ: according to Jesse’s Girl, the friend is NOT ok with it!!! JG mentioned that she often cries to her about the aweful things her husband does.

LT

June 30th, 2009
3:20 pm

Yes, I have that situation with my sister. Her hubby is angry all the time, hateful towards her and sometimes the kids. She comes crying to me, but what can I say. She keeps trying to please him, which never works, because you can’t make someone happy who doesn’t have rational demands.

Jeff in Roswell

June 30th, 2009
3:29 pm

Maybe all of the negative comments towards Jesse’s Girl has to do with the fact that she comes off as a self righteous b!&@%. All you have to do is look at all of her past comments… it’s there in black and white. It all comes back to you, dear.

Too Easy

June 30th, 2009
3:37 pm

I’ll bet BFF’s husband thinks you’re a piece of work, too.

Becky

June 30th, 2009
3:42 pm

Depends on how close you are, I would just tell her that I don’t like him, but let her know that you will still be there for her if she needs you..I have never had this problem with a girlfriend.. I did however detest my ex husbands best friend..They both knew it, but I was still able to be around him (because his wife was nice)..About 4 years into our relationship, we moved to another county and never saw the friend again..He did however call about 8 years in and wanted my husband to come get him out of jail..That was over 20 years ago and never heard from the guy after that..

Jeff in Roswell, never been in a serious relationship? I’ve thought lots of times about strangling my husband as I’m sure he has me..In the end we (usually) always kiss and make up..I would think that anyone that has ever been married or in a realtionship for a long time, has thought about harming the other..It’s just that most of us don’t follow thru..As a saying that I have says..”If I’d killed him when I met him, I’d be out of prison now.”

Denise

June 30th, 2009
3:53 pm

Suck it up and have a pint of ice cream ready for if ever she decides to confide.

Jesse's Girl

June 30th, 2009
3:57 pm

Ahh…”Jeff in Roswell” has crawled out from under his rock! Good for you! I know it can’t be easy with all that heavy consternation weighing you down.

FEEL THE PAIN

June 30th, 2009
4:01 pm

Yes I feel the pain…. I”m currently in that situation with my best friend who I love dearly, but her husband…. sickening… I have yet to find a complete project yet he calls himself a carpenter… He is a JACK LEG by trade and A&& by nature. But I have the top of it all… One week I had to stayed with them until my place was ready to close on, (this is what finally broke to camels back) and he thought that I had went to work… that morning I heard female shoes walking, two voices, and I knew my girlfriend and her kids were at work and school… when I heard that, I jumped up, jumped in the shower and flew to the country, drove back and forth for a few days until my place was finished. They heard me moving around so they flew out the door, I looked outside the window and he was backing out of the driveway looking at my window. A few weeks later I went back over and took the family to dinner to show my appreciation, and he said (whispering) I don’t know why everyone gets in our business. A hurt dog will holler. I made no comment, chose not to tell her because she runs back and tells him everything. One thing I know for sure, it will never change their relationship, so I will not involve myself in her low self esteem so call of a marriage. She can call me any time, we can talk all day and all night, but I will never tell her to leave him or the story… (Unless they divorce) which I’m expecting Hell to freeze first.

Morale of the story … if its not going to change anything leave it alone. Some times we have to fall hard before we actually feel the pain… Remember we reap what we sow..

Mark

June 30th, 2009
4:01 pm

Your “Best Friend Forever” has another life – one – in which many ways – does not involve you. The life of your BFF is separate from your personal life.

Sigh. It would be great if your visits and outings with your BFF were special and joyous occasions (with the occasional sadness of life discussions coming up whenever they do) but alas, I feel a sense of increasing lugubriousness in your relationship which seems the antithesis of… well, positive.

It would be nice to hear you are having less “working” relationships in the future.

Two to tango...

June 30th, 2009
4:05 pm

Jesse’s Girl,

You need to figure out what is wrong with your friend. She’s the one who is allowing herself to stay in such a marriage. I she even happy?

And you’re enabling her by not being a true friend. If you can talk about it behind her back, you should be willing to tell her such things to her face.

Amari's Mom

June 30th, 2009
4:11 pm

Let me say, your friend is so very lucky to have someone like you in her life. I think you should hold you peace, but if you must give your opinion try to be as diplomatic as possible. You will LOSE her if you push too hard, dont make her choose. As difficult as it may be to stomach this guy, she’s your friend. Matters of the heart are private and you may not understand why she loves this guy, remember that she does. And unless, and until she decides that she deserves better, you advice will be moot. And you know what, Im sure she is aware of the circumstances, she was the first to know what kind of man she married. But she also will be the last to admit that he’s not good to her.

D2_gadawg

June 30th, 2009
4:57 pm

You shouldn’t have slept with your best friend’s husband in the first place. Give up the infatuation with this guy and find a friend who’s not married.

clyde

June 30th, 2009
5:03 pm

Why don’t you just dive right in and let your friend know exactly how you feel.If it works to your benefit,you’re home free and if it doesn’t,maybe you should alter your behavior around your other friends.Never too late to learn a lesson.

Jesse's Girl

June 30th, 2009
5:04 pm

Twototango….Do you serioulsy think I have not exhausted all other avenues before I expressed my issues in blog form? This goes a little deeper than “talking behind her back”. Its the talking to her about this at all that is giving me such pause.

And Mark…thank you for your thoughts and pontifications…it does something to me when a man knows how to handle a thesaurus:)

Jesse's Girl

June 30th, 2009
5:05 pm

gadawg….serioulsy?

JD

June 30th, 2009
5:12 pm

He gets away with what she lets him get away with. You are obsessing over something you have no control over. Get a life.

brown shuga

June 30th, 2009
5:28 pm

Do what mommas do!!! If she loves him, you love him – when she doesn’t love him anymore, you don’t love him. If any of my friends did not care for my husband – and I do LOVE that man – they had better keep it a secret or risk the wrath that no hell can handle!!!

Jesse's Girl

June 30th, 2009
5:59 pm

Brownshuga…now THAT is some logic I can appreciate!

shaggy

June 30th, 2009
6:06 pm

It’s amazing how many here just can’t stay out of someone else’s business. Why is that so hard? This crowd makes me love my wife even more. I have seen her drop Gossip-Friend-Wannabes like molten lead, at the first hint of this kind of self-righteous meddling. Sometimes, GFW’s male counterpart gets into the act. I guess he thinks it’s status quo or some crap. Needless to say, it’s a united front at my house. They (one, the other, or both) are not welcome around us. I love that sweetie pie. 21 years down and 30+ to go.

Jesse's Girl

June 30th, 2009
6:50 pm

Shaggy…perhaps you haven’t been keeping up. Allow me to enlighten you. I have yet to meddle in anything. Not liking a friend’s husband is not tatamount to meddling in a marriage. I would imagine that the injuries sustained from falling off the wall of one’s “united front” would prove much more grave than those incurred from a discussion that one may or may not have with a friend. You know what they say about lofty heights….

karma

June 30th, 2009
8:35 pm

Fannie flag,

How much time and how many thesaurus runs did you have to take to come up with that pretentious attempt at a response?

I’m waiting for a “kiss my grits” in one of these responses.

Jesse's Girl

June 30th, 2009
10:49 pm

I LOVE FLO!!!!!!

Two to tango...

July 1st, 2009
2:44 pm

Its the talking to her about this at all that is giving me such pause.

Right!!! If you can’t tell it to her face, then keep it to yourself. What if somone did “snitch” on you? She’d be extremely hurt that you had sooooo much to say behind her back that you couldn’t speak about to her in person.

I’m glad I have the type of friends who I can talk to about anything. Even if it’s uncomfortable. If you have to walk on eggshells for your friends, maybe they aren’t real freinds.

Jesse's Girl

July 1st, 2009
3:21 pm

I too am so happy that you and your friends are eggshell-free!!!!

Avalon

August 27th, 2009
11:16 am

Ugh, I have the same problem right now & was looking for advice online when I stumbled across this. I know it’s MY problem, by the way.

For years, I was the one with spouse everone hated, and my bff’s supported me through it all.

Now I have to try & deal w/ the spouse of one of my bff’s and it’s rough, I know!

The hardest part is not being able to go to social events, like a baby shower or birthday party because I just cannot stomach being around the guy.

But all past experience tells me to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT & BE SUPPORTIVE, as much as it kills me. Sigh. Good luck.