Can boys play in girls’ bedrooms?

My girlfriend found herself in a tween dilemma last week.

Some of the neighborhood kids who regularly play at her house were coming over. The kids raced past the mom and headed upstairs to her three daughters’ rooms to play. They normally did this and usually she didn’t think a thing about it.

However, her oldest daughter will be entering the sixth grade in the fall and the mom had recently become aware that the oldest daughter has a little crush on one of the neighborhood boys who was heading up to her bedroom. (And the little boy likes her daughter too.)

The mom didn’t think they were going to do anything that particular visit, but at some point she worried if left alone in her bedroom upstairs inappropriate things might happen.

She didn’t want to make a big deal about it barging in and announcing that mixed company wouldn’t be allowed in bedrooms anymore, and she wasn’t completely sure if that rule was necessary. She talked it over with her husband and some friends, and I think the final ruling was she was going to tell the kids no more boys in bedrooms. (I think it was probably going to be a blanket rule even for the younger girls just to make it easier to monitor.)

Now they do have a teen loft area that is also upstairs where the TV and video games and lots of toys live, but I think she will allow the mixed group to play in there. It’s an open room with no doors or beds.

Currently my kids have mixed company in their bedrooms. I actually try to keep them in the basement  but mainly so the mess is contained to one level of the house.

My brother and I were never allowed to have the opposite sex in our rooms growing up. That was just the rule.

Do you let mixed company play in bedrooms when kids are little? Does it become inappropriate at some point, and if so at what age should it be limited? Does sixth grade makes sense? How would you explain the new rule change to your children? Would boy parents worry the same about the issue as little girl parents?

What are your rules about kids playing in bedrooms together? Is it the bed or the door that worries you?

50 comments Add your comment

SEK

June 23rd, 2009
10:19 pm

The rule growing up at my parents’ house was: no one of the opposite sex in the bedrooms. My mother was so hard-core that when my husband (then-boyfriend) came to visit me in college from out of town, she made him get a room at the local hotel. He didn’t graduate to the couch in the living room until a few years later. Guess it worked: we made it down the aisle with no kids on the way. Ha ha

Jessica

June 24th, 2009
1:12 am

The rule at my house growing up was to leave the door open (wide open, not just cracked) if a boy was there.

There are just too many good answers to this question...

June 24th, 2009
7:04 am

…so, in the interest of keeping it clean (though there will be others who don’t), I will just let the question remain as it is without any further comments from me!!!!!

Jesse's Girl

June 24th, 2009
7:53 am

When children are super-young….up to age 6 or 7….mixed company in a bedroom is fine. But even then, I insist on the door being open just so I can get in fast should there be a need. But after that…no way. Kids these days are growing up entirely too fast. While my children may know what is appropriate banter and behavior between themsleves and another child…..the other child may not. No boys in the bedroom….PERIOD. And just let me say this….there are 2 or 3 middle school aged girls in our neighborhood that our oldest has known her entire life. The parents of these girls give them little supervision and allow this kind of thing to happen on a regular basis…among other things I disapprove of. My daughter does not associate with these girls. Its these kinds of girls who earn…whether it is truly deserving or not….a damaging reputation. Our daughters’ innocence is being stolen away at such a young age these days. As parents…I think we are called to protect that for as long as we can.

Andrea

June 24th, 2009
7:56 am

I have never let mixed company play in the bedroom at any age. I just don’t do it. Because you don’t always know other parents’ views on this topic, I think it is best to set parameters.

I use the open loft area as the play area. There is a futon, video games, etc. I might seem a bit over zealous, but I just think it is important not to let those type of things even start. If you don’t start it, you don’t have to start it. Kids will be exposed to everything the world has to offer in due time, so there is no need to have it all exposed to them at home. Just my humble opinion.

Andrea

June 24th, 2009
7:57 am

Oops, I meant if you don’t start it, you don’t have to STOP it.

JJ

June 24th, 2009
8:22 am

My daughter was allowed to have boys in her room, but the door had to be open at all times. Even now, the door stays open.

I have an open door policy at my house, and all my daughter’s friends are welcome. Yes there are 17-18 year old boys at my house, and in her room. But, I’m right there, usually in the living room, and I can hear what’s going on. And they usually come out and talk to me.

Some of the boys have spent the night too. For my daughter’s 18th birthday, she was allowed to have friends over, and they could stay the night. I woke up the next morning with three 17 year old boys in various rooms, one in my daughter’s room, on the floor, one on the couch upstairs, and one on the couch downstairs. There were several girls there too.

Now, I have no idea what went on while I slept (after 2:00 a.m.) but they were all fully clothed when I got up at 6:00 that morning.

If you relax and lay down the law, the kids will 90% of the time, respect you and your home. At least in my situation. But I have known these kids for several years and they know me too. I want them to know my house is a safe place and they are welcome to come and hang out.

JATL

June 24th, 2009
8:26 am

Never an issue at my house -I was allowed to have boys in my room -and I don’t anticipate it being a huge deal with my boys having girls in their room. I’ll steer them toward the basement media room, but honestly, if they’re going to fool around, they don’t care what room they’re in.The way our house is situated, the basement media room is as private as one of their bedrooms minus a lock on the door. THAT is where I would draw the line -if they were locking the door. As a teenager, I always felt like it was so obvious I might be “doing something” with a boy in my room, that I did all of my fooling around after dates in our living room -wide open -while my parents were in bed asleep! Or out at the pool in the backyard during summer, or in the car, or in the woods or in an old cow pasture or at a friend’s house where no parents were home…

Belle

June 24th, 2009
8:27 am

This was never an issue growing up, at least not until High School. My boyfriend was not allowed to just hang out in my room, he did after about 6 years but even then very rarely. We did not have an area for the kids to hang out.

Now it will be many years before this situation arrives with my daughter (she is 2). We have a basement where the kids can hang out, watch TV, play games. There won’t be a reason for anyone to be upstairs in the bedrooms.

Stan

June 24th, 2009
8:55 am

My Mom’s rule was that the door had to be open. When my wife and I first got married she was a live in nanny and we didn’t co-habitate for the first few months, rather we spent time together on the weekends and I still lived at home to save money and get/furnish our first place. I still remember the first weekend in my bedroom Mom walked by and poked her head in the door and said “Y’all can close the door now”. It took a second for it to click, then I kinda got that eeewww shiver thing….then we closed the door ;)

Jess

June 24th, 2009
9:13 am

JATL: When I read your post I thought that I wrote it! Ha Ha! Kids will find the time and place, they could care less if it was in a bed! I never fooled around in my bed….my parents strictly forbid it. But they never said anything about the living room floor!

Michelle

June 24th, 2009
9:23 am

Kids will do what they want regardless of the rules (as JATL has pointed out! :) ) When we were kids, there wasn’t anything to do in the bedrooms, i.e. no TV, radio, etc. In these modern times, many kids have TV’s, video games, radios, and all kinds of other “stuff” to keep them occupied. I will allow the kids to have mixed company WITH the door open and WITH the understanding that I will come into the room at any time that I like to check on them (which the oldest found out the hard way!) I have no problems with sending people home if they don’t abide by my rules. My rules are pretty simple, NO DRUGS, don’t steal from me, don’t lie to me!

sd

June 24th, 2009
9:26 am

When I was growing up, my mother worked, as did most of my friends. Basically, from the time I was in the 4th grade until I graduated highschool, there were several adult-free hours everyday.

So, rules about who could go where were not enforceable. I can remember plenty of games of “spin-the-bottle” and “truth-or-dare” starting in about the 5th or 6th grade. When we played these games, no adults were in the house.

Mostly it was just harmless stuff. These days, I don’t know.

Becky

June 24th, 2009
9:44 am

When I was living at home, there were to many kids in and out for anyone to have privacy, so this isn’t something that my Mom had to worry about..

When my exs son was living with us, he was allowed to bring his girlfriends over for the night..My ex said that as long as the girl was on birth control,he was ok with it..As JATL said, once a teenager starts having sex, they will have it wherever, so as long as they were home with us, we knew they were safe..

RJ

June 24th, 2009
10:17 am

Wow Becky! I have never understood parents allowing their kids to have sex in their house. All I can say is wow!

My daughter was allowed to have little boys over in her bedroom when she was very young, but now she’s a teenager and I don’t even have to tell her that won’t be happening anymore. She’s quite grounded anyway and makes good decisions without me. Now her brother is a different story and will have to be told exactly what he can and can’t do. When I was growing up that was not allowed. Company was allowed to sit in the den. When I was 16 my parents took off the den door so that they could see what we were doing. I agree that once a teenager makes the decision to have sex they will continue, however there is a little thing called respect. I don’t condone pre-marital sex, however my daughter and I have discussed protection should she decide to become sexually active. But by no means will I put aside my moral beliefs to allow her to fornicate in my home so that I know she’s “safe”. She’s free to work and pay for a hotel room.

Razz

June 24th, 2009
10:20 am

Becky-how old was your exs son at the time? and how did you know his girlfriend was on birth control? i believe that just because you know they are going to do it does not mean you should to condone it.

catlady

June 24th, 2009
10:23 am

I was not allowed to ever have boys in my bedroom. With my kids it was the same. My younger daughter’s boyfriend’s parents had no problem with it but I did not like her going over there because I thought that was inapporpriate.

And, although we have talked about this on this blog before, I would NEVER allow my kids to go to or have a mixed-gender sleepover. That fits into the category of Not Appropriate in my book.

Yes, kids will have sex but give them the challenge of finding a place–it makes them THINK a bit before they do it.

JATL

June 24th, 2009
10:26 am

Ha Jess! My parents have a huge turtle in the living room at their (my old) house. I’m sooooo glad that turtle can’t talk!

Becky

June 24th, 2009
10:43 am

He was 17..How did we know that she was on birth contro? He had the same girlfriend for 4 years and we would watch her take her pills..Kids aren’t so eager to do things that are forbidden if you don’t make such a fuss about it..I’m all for being open with kids..

Again, it was all about knowing that they were having sex and wanting them to be somewhere safe..Like JATL said, some of the places that I remember having sex at were places that I would never want my kids to be..If they spend all of their time thinking of safe places to have sex, they aren’t always thinking of having safe sex..

Denise

June 24th, 2009
11:02 am

When I was growing up this was not an issue. I never had anything to do in my room. No TV, only a clock radio, etc. Anyone that looked like they could have been a “date” went to the living room. Actually, all guys went to the living room. Girls, no big deal in the room but again, I didn’t have anything to do in there but sleep, talk on the phone, read, and gossip. Like others, I fooled around in the living room, the laundry room, my bedroom when my parents weren’t there, the car by the lakes near LSU. Even though “fooling around” was not sex until I was a senior, I’m sure my parents would have beat me like I stole something…I mean, the wouldn’t have approved.

My brother’s girlfriends spent the night in his room when I left for college. I was ticked off because whenever I brought a guy home from college or after, they had to catch the couch or sleep in my brother’s room when he wasn’t there. I don’t think my college boyfriend EVER went in my room even though we were basically living together when we were here in ATL.

Becky

June 24th, 2009
11:07 am

Also, we never had any surprise babies, he had 2 friends that had to sneak around for places to have sex and they both had unwanted pregnancies..As some know, babies at 17 or 18 aren’t always a good thing..

motherjanegoose

June 24th, 2009
11:20 am

catlady…I am with you.

Is this kind of like letting your kids drink at your house, so that you can keep an eye on them? I cannot comprehend this and may be the only one. I guess I am beyond old fashioned. Curious about DB’s take.

I am also interested if Moms (on this blog) would put their daughters on birth control and let them spend the night at other boy’s houses. How long would they have to know the boy and is it just one boy at a time? I cannot fathom it. Because, to me, if you are going with…
“once a teenager starts having sex, they will have it wherever” can we not also agree that they will probably not just narrow it down to a serious committed relationship and just GO FOR IT?

I understand having a room where kids can hang out at your house ( we do) but do you let your daughter spend the night at a mixed venue at someone else’s house? I would not go for that.

Becky, are you saying the girl was 13 when she started the pill and sex or that she was 17 when she started the pill and sex? I am not sure that either age is reliable to take the pill consistently and would not want my son caught in that loop hole.

I told my son before he left for college, “you know how we feel about sex. You are now on your own with your own rules. You have to decide. Having a baby before you finish school will seriously change your life ….think!”

motherjanegoose

June 24th, 2009
11:31 am

I am confused here Becky….if you have to sneak around to have sex does this mean you cannot use birth control ( and thus get pregnant) …is it only accessible if parents provide the place?

I DO AGREE WITH THIS:As some know, babies at 17 or 18 aren’t always a good thing..

But also feel SEX at 17 or 18 isn’t always a good thing either…perhaps I am the only one.

Becky

June 24th, 2009
11:35 am

They were both 17..I just think that if you forbid your children from doing anything, when they do get a chance, they go wild..I know that this was the case with a lot of my friends..My Mother allowed us to do things, try things..Sometimes this works, sometimes not..For me it did..
Guess parents being so uptight about talking to their kids about sex is why we have so many teen pregnancies..

Razz

June 24th, 2009
11:39 am

no mothergoose, you are not the only one. i may not always agree with you but i definately agree with everything you just wrote!

motherjanegoose

June 24th, 2009
11:53 am

I am very open about talking about sex with my children. I am not open about authorizing participation in sex at my house for underage children. Razz…are you with me?

NEWS FLASH no one always agrees with me but I do VERY much appreciate those ( Razz) who do once in a while! I continue to remind myself of catlady’s comment that common sense is not so common nowadays. This is a daily thing for me.

I do want to share that my GREAT grandmother probably “had to get married”. So, I do know that teenagers and sex is not a new concept.

jct

June 24th, 2009
12:02 pm

We do not allow mixed gender in bedrooms. In fact, I don’t like anyone upstairs in my house who doesn’t live there or visiting (staying the night). We have a den and a living room. Both can be used for visitors. The living room is not formal so you really can’t mess up anything in that room. That is where we prefer our son to entertain his guests.

I grew up in a house where no one was allowed in our room (visitors were enterntained in the den or kitchen). I shared a room with two other sisters. My mother had this rule because she did not want the hassle if one of the sisters stuff got messed up. Not so realistic today since it seems that no children share rooms at all anymore.

Our son is now 18 but since he was 15 we have kept condoms in the front room in a jar. He stated he was not having sex at this time. We have always stressed that sex should be between adults who care for one another. That is not some random act. That oral sex is real sex. However, as pointed out in earlier comments, once teens got it into their head that they are going to have sex, they will do it anywhere. We told him if you choose not to wait that you need to be responsible for your own health and birth control. Never believe a girl is she states she is on the pill and ALWAYS, always use a condom. However, there is NO sex in my house. I will not make it convenient for him to have sex in my house.

Denise

June 24th, 2009
12:27 pm

When I was in junior high, I went to a mixed-gender slumber party. Needless to say I thought it was a wierd concept and my mother gave me the “WTH?” look when I asked if I could go. Of course there was hanky panky going on but since I was the only Black girl and we weren’t that progressive back then (80s in Small Town, Mississippi) she knew I was “safe” from having to make the “to do or not to do” decisions. I did get to spin the bottle…for those who were playing. Fun? Negative. Funny to see folks who acted like they were experienced tongue wrestle with spit flying everywhere? Funny!

I did have a friend in high school whose mother’s attitude was “if it goes on here then I can monitor it”. We drank there when we got close to “of age” (we were ~17 but were legal at 18 in Louisiana back then), went there after the prom and all spent the night, had mixed-gendered sleepovers in high school, etc. Keys were taken and put in the mother’s room until morning and everyone slept on the floor in the living room. Other than prom, when we were over her house no one was in “date mode” so we all just hung, drank, and danced until we fell asleep.

xavier&jaydens mom

June 24th, 2009
12:28 pm

While I don’t have this to worry about for a while, as my boys are 6 and 7, I will not allow mixed company in their bedrooms. I just feel that it is inappropriate for girls to be in boys room-or vice versa. My grandmother was a no-nonsense kinda woman, and she didn’t play that going into the bedroom to watch t.v.-it didn’t matter if the door was open or not! If you had to leave our living room/kitchen, you were either leaving our house or going to the bathroom, other than that, you were kitchen/living room bound. My step son who is now 22 had to learn the hard way that when I set rules I expect them to be abided by! He knew the rules of our house- no one has sex in our house except for those that pay bills! Since my husband and I were the only ones doing so, we were the only ones allowed to have sex in our house!! He chose to try and sneak his girlfriend in after we went to sleep! You can imagine my surprise as well as hers when I walked out of my bedroom and here she was strutting her naked a$$ into the bathroom!! She did not even have the decency to put her clothes on, wrap a towel around her or nothin! She just walked her happy a$$ right out into the hall! Mind you I have 2 small children at that time they were 2 and 3!!! When I tell you I lost my mind!!! I went into the room, I snatched the covers off of my step son-he’s naked also!!! I told him and her to get the hell out of my house, I did not give them time to get fully dressed, if they could not respect my house enough to not have sex in it, especially my son, then I will not respect you enough to allow you to get dressed!!! I threw all of their clothes onto the front porch- slammed the door in their faces, went up stairs, cleaned the room, packed my step-son stuff, and called his mother to come and get him!!!! She picked him up at the end of our street in his sweats and sockss! The young lady had on her t-shirt and panties!!!

JJ

June 24th, 2009
12:29 pm

My daughter’s off to college in August, and she will have birth control pills. We have the “Responsibility Drill” and I have told her repeatedly, he is just as responsible for birth control as you are. MAKE him wear a condom. Ask him if he doesn’t wear one, are you ready for a child? It’s a two way street……..but I want her to be armed.

We have openly discussed sex for years, since she was about 10.

motherjanegoose

June 24th, 2009
12:32 pm

Here’s another novel thought….a reason why we ( may) have so many teen age pregnancies, could be because some teenagers are not loved and cherished by their own parents and look to peers for love ( sex) or maybe girls think they need their own baby to love. Did any MOMS actually realize that love and sex is NOT always the same thing for teenagers, when they were 16?

Our kids know they are loved. We tell them everyday and would hang the moon for them, as long as they are holding up their end of the bargain.

When I speak with my 22 year old son, I always end the phone conversation with ” I love you…”
90% of the time he does too! Neither of my kids are perfect but they know they are loved.
My daughter tells me several times each day, “I love you….”.

motherjanegoose

June 24th, 2009
12:37 pm

x and j’s mom LOVE IT…not sure if I like the bill paying rule better or the kids on the porch undressed…great illustrations! You earn the common sense crown from me and perhaps catlady will second it…will you catlady? LOL!

Becky

June 24th, 2009
12:55 pm

Some kids might being having sex looking for love, but not all of them..My stepson to this day knows that I love him and he is now 34..I have a great niece that got pregnant at 16 and she was told on a regular basis that she was loved..When you have as many in your family as I do, you are always told “I love you.”

HB

June 24th, 2009
1:08 pm

Interestingly, my conservative parents and those of my friends in high school didn’t seem to have any big concerns about mixed gender sleepovers. It was understood that sex was a big no-no and alcohol was absolutely forbidden, but having guys and girls sleep under one roof was not an issue. Usually, we slept on the floor in dens/living rooms, but if we did use bedrooms further away from common areas, guys and girls did not sleep in the same one. They weren’t strictly forbidden from being in each other’s bedrooms, though, while we were all still up and hanging out (doors were always open — not sure it was so much a stated rule, as just understood). I think because we were a big group of platonic friends, they just didn’t worry about (and to my knowledge, nothing ever happened that they should have worried about). I don’t think any of those parents would have allowed their kids to sleep over at a BF/GF’s house unless there was a big group of kids there and they knew the parents well. I’m not saying that all parents everywhere should be comfortable with this, but it worked for our group.

JATL

June 24th, 2009
1:25 pm

I wouldn’t let my teenage children go to a mixed gender sleepover. I’m thinking 10 would be the cutoff age for that -and aren’t most kids in the “ewwww -opposite sex is gross” stage around 8-10 anyway? I know by puberty it’s different and that’s why I wouldn’t condone a mixed gender sleepover during the teen years.

I would let girls sleep over in a different room if we were there -i.e. on vacation or something. That’s not to say there wouldn’t be any middle of the night sneaking about (been there done that), but I wouldn’t give the ok to spending the night together in the same bed with my knowledge until college.

If I had a daughter I would put her on the pill. This is something I go round about, but a teenage pregnancy is one of the most serious things that can happen to young people. I would stress HIGHLY the importance of condom usage due to disease and just waiting until after high school in general -as I plan to do with my sons -but to be on the safe side with pregnancy, I would put her on the pill as a teenager. I have two boys, and if they made some sort of “perma-condom” or male birth control pill, I would put them on it during their teens! I believe in being open with your kids, but I also believe in really stressing that waiting until they’re older is great and always using condoms is great and NECESSARY -even as adults not only due to HIV, but to the more common uglies like vd, chlamydia, warts, gonorrhea, syphilis, etc..

JJ

June 24th, 2009
1:25 pm

In my experience, if you forbid a child/teenager from doing something, it makes them want to do it even more.

If you are open, honest, relaxed and casual, and have an open communications, they will respect you and your rules.

Becky

June 24th, 2009
1:28 pm

Amen JJ…That says it all..

motherjanegoose

June 24th, 2009
1:30 pm

Theresa…back to the original question, my kids played together ( with friends) in their rooms until they were maybe 10. They never closed the door unless my son did not want his little sister in there…wish he would have done so the day she found his scissors and cut her hair off….she was 3….

After that, their friends were usually same sex.

April

June 24th, 2009
1:56 pm

MJG, I totally agree on the same gender sleep-over thing. I know A LOT of kids who do this, and I always wonder, “What are your parents thinking?”
I agree that open communication are key in relationships with your kids, but I can not condone the sex under my roof idea – especially not for a high school or college age kid. They are still just that – kids and they are looking to their parents for guidance and clues as to what is acceptable. Handing your kid a box of condoms and pointing to the bedroom is not a good message to send.

Cammi317

June 24th, 2009
2:11 pm

The boys that we grew up with were allowed in our rooms and vice versa because our parents were friends. I don’t think it ever even occurred to our parents that they should worry about us and those particular boys. New folks…no way. My daughter is entering 6th grade and is officially boy crazy. That being said, the boys she have known since before she could walk, are still allowed in her room, along with a couple of more when they come over because we’re all like family. She has no interest in them, it’s the boys a couple of years older that are catching her eye….more headaches, more problems. That being said, there are no closed doors and if I hear to much giggling, to much shushing or if it’s too quiet, then it is time to disperse.

JJ

June 24th, 2009
2:24 pm

Becky, you and I have the same general attitudes. I think we are laid back with our kids. At least I am and I get that feeling from you too.

Becky

June 24th, 2009
2:47 pm

JJ, I think you’re right..I know from my teen years, if I was told not to do something, that made me more determined to do it..

RJ

June 24th, 2009
2:59 pm

I work with at risk teens and I can tell you that they have sex for a variety of reasons: lack of love, curiosity, lack of parental supervision, and the list goes on. It is definitely important to be open with your kids, but you should be raising them with some since of morals and responsibilities. My parents didn’t believe in being open, just didn’t know how to do it. But…I wasn’t a teenaged mom either! My daughter and I talk about sex and the consequences of it often. Frankly, birth control pills are the least of her worries. She’s been told about HIV and AIDS. I would never tell her to just take birth control pills. Any parent that’s done that in the past 20 years has been living up under a rock! This isn’t about “forbidding” them to have sex. That would be ridiculous. It’s about teaching what is morally right, what the consequences are, how to protect themselves and then allowing them to make their own decisions. I’m proud to say that I wasn’t a teenaged mother…and prouder to say that I am HIV negative.

lynn

June 24th, 2009
4:58 pm

JJ & Becky, I feel the same way as you guys. My daughter is 17 and has same sex friends over all the time and I don’t worry about them one bit. Since most of her friends are guys, there’s usually one over every other night or so and they watch movies in her room. Of course the door stays open but even if it were closed I wouldn’t worry about her. It all depends on how well you know your child these days.

fk

June 24th, 2009
6:24 pm

Never an issue in our home. The bedroom is for sleeping, not entertaining. We have a family room and a bonus room. Choose one or the other or go outside.

DB

June 25th, 2009
3:16 pm

It’s never been an issue — my only caveat is that the door stays open if friends of the opposite sex are visiting. And I tend to make a few more trips to that part of the house than usual :-) She and my son’s friends know that they can crash at my house any time, and often stay in case of bad weather, lateness of the hour, or we’re having too much fun playing hearts or poker and they realize they have to be at work at 8 AM! We’ve had friends from college show up at 2 AM when they were locked out of hotel rooms or friends stranded them at clubs downtown, etc. Some weeks, I feel like I’m running a B&B, but I feed ‘em a good breakfast, give ‘em a clean towel for a shower, keep a suppy of guest toothbrushes in the bathroom, give ‘em a hug and send ‘em on their way in the morning. :-)

SM

June 29th, 2009
11:14 am

im a teenager, i really have no idea how i found this site but i thought this subject was interesting. in my opinion its really not about how wide open the doors cracked, it’s about who the kid is and how open and understanding a relationship you have with your kid, its about trust. as kids grow up theyre gonna do what they want if they set their mind to it, in my opinion as they’re going to be in lots of situations where they get to make decisions without you,you just have to make safety an underlying principle. like JJ said its really about being open and casual, and if you give your kids your confidence theyre going to appreciate it a whole lot more

soccermom

June 30th, 2009
10:30 am

I have 2 boys, age 18 and 15. I have talked to them about sex since they were small. I have also provided age appropriate reading material as a learning aid. As they have matured, the focus of the conversations has changed from the mechanics of reproduction to more mental aspects – myths and misconceptions (no pun intended), my beliefs- both those simply personal and those taught by our religion (which are not all embraced by me), and etc. with an emphasis on making good choices, understanding natural consequences, planning ahead.
My older son has been dating a girl for 3 years. They decided that they “are not ready for all that stuff (sex)” and I believe them. They are both very smart kids who plan things ahead and are driven to accomplish the goals they have set. Some of you may be cynical and think they are feeding me a bunch of bull but I do believe them. Now that they are headed off to college and living in the same dorm, albeit on separate floors, we will talk again about birth control.
And from a different angle, I have a concern that if you preach that “sex is bad/sinful..you are bad if you engage in sex …” that this approach may lead to hangups when kids finally grow up to the point that “sex is ok” because they are so indoctrinated. Has anyone observed this to be true?

MTeMedia

July 3rd, 2009
8:01 pm

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Amarilla

September 3rd, 2010
1:44 am

I’m 15 and my mom has a hardcore no boys allowed in your room and no going into boys’ rooms policy. I get this, to some extent, but I wish she trusted me enough to allow some of my oldest friends (practically like sons to her) to enter my room. When my girlfriends and I are studying in my room and a guy friend wants to join us we are forced to go elsewhere. My main complaint, though, is that at coed parties when everyone is having a blast in a guy’s room, I am not allowed to go in. I feel so left out sometimes but my mom refuses to revise her policy. I think this is unreasonable and unfair.