Want Dad more involved with kids? Then Mom has to back off
I would suspect that many mothers would say that they would like their husbands to more involved in the day-to-day rearing of their children. And a new article in The Wall Street Journal suggests that often it’s the mother’s own fault if the father isn’t more engaged in that process.
The Wall Street Journal reports:
“Of course, fathers are free to choose their level of involvement. But negative gatekeeping by mothers — grimaces or criticism when men try to change a diaper or feed or play with a baby — can block out even fathers who believe they should be involved, says a 2008 study in the Journal of Family Psychology, led by Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan. Gatekeeping can be positive, too: When mothers encourage dads, the men tend to shoulder more child care.”
“It’s usually moms who do the gatekeeping, but they’re not always to blame. Some fathers invite interference by hanging back or being irritable or anxious. ‘Moms may think, ‘He’s not well suited to have positive interactions with the baby, so I’m not going to encourage that,’ Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan says.”
“In other cases, women aren’t conscious of their gatekeeping. Some women whose sense of identity is strongly tied to being a mother may fend off help in order to bolster their self-image, research shows. Others are simply inclined by nature to bond closely; caring for a baby may be so engrossing for these women that they crowd out dads, says a 2008 study in the journal Family Process.”
When I read this story, I absolutely saw myself. I know that I gatekeep with Michael – not so much now but a whole lot in the beginning, especially with babies!
With our first baby I needed a lot of help, and Michael just didn’t know what he was doing. He would take the baby at night so I could sleep but then leave all the lights on and the TV blaring so it took like a month for the baby to get her nights and days figured out. He was trying to help but he didn’t have experience with it so he didn’t know any better. I’m sure I was vocally judgmental as well as giving nasty looks and glares if I didn’t approve of his fathering.
By the time the third baby came he was very experienced at taking care of our children — bathing them, feeding them, dressing them in a coherent fashion. He may not attend to every detail like I would but I have learned to release on that. (It’s OK if Rose’s bow doesn’t match her shirt or if dinner was pasta. Release Mom! Release!)
The main things I know I gatekeep about now is rough play and watching TV shows and video games of which I don’t approve.
The article suggests some solutions to help mom relax and let dad be more involved:
Skills training before the baby comes – Michael did attend breastfeeding classes with me, and I appreciated that. I knew in a time of stress I might not remember everything and he could be my memory. I’m not sure how you could practice soothing a baby.
Peer support – I do think they may take advice better from other dads than their wives. Also if their friend is bathing his kids or taking his kids to the park on the weekend, your husband might feel peer pressured to do so. (Is peer pressure not the same as peer support?)
Awareness of the problem - I think this is huge. If I read this article before the first baby, I’m sure I would have made a more conscious effort not to judge him and to be gentle giving advice.
What do you think: Do you gatekeep your husband? Do you grimace or criticize when he tries to help? Do you let him have free reign and just appreciate the help? How much should Dads be helping?
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77 comments Add your comment
Denise
June 18th, 2009
1:44 pm
JJ, my father has a drawer for each of the kids. What he buys stays at his house. It’s sad but it’s the truth. He will buy stuff like socks, undershirts, and underwear to make sure that if they didn’t bring any they aren’t running around commando. The baby is a girl in diapers so she’s covered. :-)
Becky
June 18th, 2009
1:46 pm
JJ, my husbands ex would do the same thing to us..Anytime we ever needed to go somewhere, he never had the right clothes..Of course he always had a $100 (or more) pair of sneakers..
Jen
June 18th, 2009
1:59 pm
I am in total agreement with “Sorry Theresa”. Those were the things I immediately honed in on.
I mean, when we had our son neither of us had been parents before. We were both 26 years old. Both in graduate school. So, we just both figured out how to do things so we didn’t accidentally kill the baby.
Seriously.
As for “rough play and watching TV shows and video games of which I don’t approve.”
Should that be something the two of you agree on upfront? I mean, neither one of you is The Boss, right?
Maybe it’s because my husband and I started having kids young…about 6 years before we planned. And maybe it’s because we were both in school and needed to run interference for each other so we could both graduate. But, we really leaned on each other to hold up the parental obligations. As a result, we really have developed a true co-parenting relationship.
It really manifested when I went to Africa for two weeks for work. My son did NOT miss me AT ALL. Now, that really wrankled me at first. But my own mother brought up the point that he didn’t miss me because he felt perfectly safe and secure at home with Dad and because he knew I was coming back. In that perspective, I felt good about it. And I was validated to some extent after getting home and he acted all clingy for a couple of days, proving to me that he did miss me a little, just not in a disruptive way. Actually, that was true about both him and Dad.
I do recognize that my husband and I evolved into equal opportunity parents due to our own circumstances. Otherwise, we might have evolved into the same type of parents as mine (breadwinner dad and primary parent mom), despite the fact my husband I have equal incomes. All 4 of my siblings have fallen in those roles…
catlady
June 18th, 2009
2:01 pm
JJ at 12:51: I have done something similar because of that, and I recommend it because it cuts down on the anger/resentment issues.
One premise I am having trouble with: Other than nursing, why is what the husband does “helping with?” Saying that makes it clear that you are the one responsible and he is the assistant. I don’t buy that. It’s like when I mow the lawn. That is what I am doing. It is not “helping with” anything. Much more so raising a child than mowing the lawn! It’s like the whole “helping me with the house” thing. If both of us work outside the home, how is the home MINE to do and his to occasionally “help” with? It really does not take any special expertise to vaccum the floor or change the baby.
I remember having to “alert” my husband if I was going out of the room so he would be aware of what the child was doing. Otherwise, he (the dad) might wander off, leaving the baby unsupervised. I look back on that and think “WTH?”
Now, when my husband changed the brakes on the car, I was the assistant for sure. It was a technical job, and needed someone with specific skills. (My job was to hold down the pedal to bleed the brakes.) If it was something I was a specialist in, of course he would be “helping” me.
I think by our words we betray our real thinking about this. And I don’t think one person should be the specialist and one the helper on raising kids.
jack5656
June 18th, 2009
2:16 pm
Bravo Jen…the mutual respect and shared experiences is the heart of this matter…NOT who does what and when. You summed up so eloquently what I was trying to say. This is not a slam on you Theresa, but I’m betting that when Michael tried those things you said he had no idea how to do you just stepped in and told him that you would do it (and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was with a “get out of the way you don’t know what you’re doing” look.) On the flip side, I bet when Jen and/or her husband tried something they didn’t know how to do, the other stepped in and said “let me show you how to do it” or “I don’t know either, but let’s try this.” And therein lies the heart of the issue…are you in a relationship that is inclusive or divisive? All the resentment and anger and griping, or lack thereof, can be traced back to the answer to that question.
lakerat
June 18th, 2009
2:26 pm
Having read this blog for many months now I continue to be amazed at how many Alpha moms there are who regularly read and converse here. And, Theresa really seems to add to the personna by creating topics for discussion that lend to the ongoing validation of the readers who relate their stories of superiority (me being one), when in actuality we are all legends in our own minds when it comes to who is right or better, me or my spouse.
I really concur with what catlady just said, that being that she did not think that “one person should be the specialist and one the helper on raising kids”. It IS a team sport, so to speak, so quit trying to make out like the dads are completely helpless until they “learn” on the job. Just like doctors, who “practice” all their careers, parents are continually learning, too.
I know society has generally created the notion that the mother is the main caregiver, and that dads get involved either by default or because mom needs help “right now”. Theresa even added to this by posting about her husband’s shortcomings as a new parent, though it is probably true that she had many shortcomings at that time, too, as others have commented.
It is what it is – and the perpetuation of the myth that fathers are inferior caregivers to children is part of a self-fulfilling prophesy, though I am sure we can find numerous instances where the moms left the kids and the dad alone (permanently), just as some on this site have been left, too. But that is a blog for another forum not entitled “Momania”.
JJ
June 18th, 2009
2:34 pm
Lakerat – nice post…….every so often, you amaze us….
Maybe we should change the name of this blog to ParentMania…….???? Theresa?????
April
June 18th, 2009
2:45 pm
I agree with HB and Catlady why is the husband “helping”? I also hate it when I go somewhere without my kids, and someone says, “Oh, is the dad babysitting today?” No, he is being their parent and doing all the things a parent does. Because of our professions, I am the one who typically has the most alone time with them, but no one ever asks me if I am babysitting.
Jen
June 18th, 2009
3:07 pm
Ooooo…I hate that when anyone says, “I am babysitting” in regards to their own children. I’ve heard that from both sides…moms and dads. I heard it not long ago, a guy I worked with who is a cyclist was talking about a weekly ride but how he couldn’t go on this week’s ride because he had to “babysit the kids” while his wife had some unusal thing on her schedule.
I must have made a face because he immediately corrected himself.
You cannot, by definition, babysit your own children!
Denise
June 18th, 2009
3:14 pm
I hate the whole “daddy is babysitting”. You don’t babysit your own kids! I had a girlfriend who had to ask her husband if he “minded” keeping the kid. Are you serious? He didn’t “mind” making that baby so he shouldn’t “mind” raising her.
The Truth
June 18th, 2009
3:22 pm
Jen – If a man watches the kids he is babysitting because it is the permament job of the mother to care for the kids.
Jen
June 18th, 2009
3:24 pm
Now this is different than asking your spouse if it’s okay for you to bail on the family for a few hours because you want to go for that bike ride, or happy hour, or whatever. Asking your spouse if it’s okay to bail is just showing respect for their schedule. For instance, we’re in the middle of trying to rent out out this rental house we have. So, we’ve got to go meet potential tenants to show them the house, etc, get contractors in to get estimates for some work we need to get done on it, etc. So, while one of us is doing that the other obviously can’t bail on the family and go play.
Like I am bailing on Saturday to go with a friend to a writing workshop. I checked with my husband to make sure I didn’t need to be home parenting because he had a more obligatory commitment. He actually did have a commitment, but it wasn’t something where he couldn’t do it AND play single dad for a few hours.
This isn’t about “minding”, to borrow a term from Denise, but it’s about us, as married people, comparing our schedules and prioritizing and dividing labor. No biggie.
sd
June 18th, 2009
3:25 pm
Well, to those of you who agree that Dads aren’t unequal partners, what do you think of the court system?
In divorce, should a mother be given preferential treatment over a dad?
My personal opinion is that Dads should be given preferential treatment in regards to custody of boys and vice versa for girls.
As it is now, unless the mother is on drugs or has some other issue, she is getting the kids.
Becky
June 18th, 2009
3:37 pm
Enter your comments here
Becky
June 18th, 2009
3:38 pm
Sorry about that…
JJ
June 18th, 2009
3:44 pm
So what do you do when you take your kids to your Mother’s house, and she gets drunk? And it’s only 3:30 in the afternoon?
A friend of mine just called and asked if I could go get her daughter from her mother’s house, as her monther is completely smashed, and it’s 3:30? The kid is 8 and gramma is trashed.
I work close to “gramma’s” house and my friend works from home and doesn’t get off until 6:00…….that’s why I was called.
Jen
June 18th, 2009
3:49 pm
Wow, JJ, that crazy. Did she call you to go get the kid and bring her home? OR keep her? If I was faced with that I would have to just leave work on a “family emergency” and go get my kid. But if you’re a close enough friend then I might ask if you could go get her and bring her home. But I’d never ask you to keep her from 3:30 to 6, especially since you might have your own job or whatever…
Best of luck.
Jen
June 18th, 2009
4:04 pm
“The Truth
June 18th, 2009
3:22 pm
Jen – If a man watches the kids he is babysitting because it is the permament job of the mother to care for the kids.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, like you actually believe that. Like it’s not totally true you’re just fishing here. Like it’s not obvious to everyone on the planet with a minimum of ZERO brain cells.
XD
sd
June 18th, 2009
4:25 pm
JJ, I’d go get the kid right away.
motherjanegoose
June 18th, 2009
4:55 pm
Not sure if I have ever shared this story…
When our son was a baby, he was having a truly fussy afternoon. Neither my husband nor myself knew what to do with him. We had both tried everything and nothing was working. I am certain our frustration could be heard well out into our yard as the windows were open and we were venting on each other as to what should or could be done.
The doorbell rings….we look at each other and wonder who it is…our dear neighbor Nelda ( then about 45 ish) who announces…
” you two need to calm down or the baby will never stop crying….give him to me and catch your breath…”
We were amazed, she brought him back in 30 minutes and he was FINE. Proof that sometimes NEITHER parent knows what to do AND some neighbors are really angels….LOL. A fond memory of a terrific neighbor!
catlady
June 18th, 2009
6:12 pm
I would go to get the girl, with the understanding that Mama needs to be on her way to meet me at my workplace. And Mama should tell me what her plans are from now on re her child, since Grandma is out of consideration now. I would certainly press her for what her thinking is about her childcare. Obviously the current situation is a no-go. She doesn’t have to tell me, but I should give her every chance to brainstorm her options.
My ex-husband’s wife has me as one of the people who can pick up their son in case of emergency. Of course, I work 30 minutes from his school and she stays home and sleeps and drinks. But if I was called, I would go and ask questions or raise h afterward.
How did Mama find out Grandma was drunk? Did the girl call her?
annoyed
June 18th, 2009
9:51 pm
wake up, google, cut paste, submit (maybe I should have spell checked that)
wake up, google, cut paste, submit (maybe I should have spell checked that)
Hey guys, I’m totally gonna copy a story tomorrow about shawn cassidy, I totally like promise.
And they cut Jim Wooten back?
JJ
June 19th, 2009
8:07 am
I did go get the kid. Gramma was “BAKED” when I got there, at 4:15. She couldn’t get an entire sentence out of her mouth, and she was stumbling all over the place….
I met up with my friend and dropped her kid off. So sad..
I would do it again in a heartbeat. That’s what friends are for.
Stookie
June 19th, 2009
10:33 am
SD, i am feeling you. It is so biased towards the mother, that if you have an angry ex, she can basically keep the kids from you as long as she is following the parenting plan. I get my kids only twice a week (more then standard b/c I fought her on it). How can i be a father to my 2 boys on 28 hours a week? I constantly ask for more time (sleepovers during the week no that they are out of school, dinners for a couple hours, picking them up for school a couple times a week) but she denies me because she knows that is the only way she can hurt me. I gave up everything to not be with her and only fought her for more time with the kids, but still she says i am selfish. Can i go back to the courts? I don’t have the money to and even if i did, they wouldn’t change anything. Fathers are parents too but the courts don’t feel that way.
Jeff
June 19th, 2009
10:40 am
Yeah, T and I are going to have an interesting time with this. While we’re both pretty well on the same page in the big picture, our strategies are different. She’s all into being **EXTREMELY** polite and things have to APPEAR to be ‘just so’. I’m much more into reality and if something isn’t ‘just so’ I have no problems with people knowing that. Am I going to broadcast it? No. But if it comes up or if they come to the house and see something, I’m not going to act like it isn’t there.
She wants the kids to be nice and never think about ‘bad’ things. I’d rather the kids be able to handle the ‘bad’ things as much as their development will allow. (For example, I don’t expect a 6yo to be able to escape/defeat a 250lb adult male. But I DO expect said 6yo to use those lungs/vocal cords to yell as long and loud as they possibly can if said 250lb adult male tries to do something to them.)
JJ
June 19th, 2009
12:47 pm
Stookie, my brother gets his kids EVERY OTHER WEEK, one week on, one week off. When they are with his ex, he gets them for dinner one night a week. If he has the kids that week, she gets a dinner night with the kids. If your kids are older than 13, they can decide what they want. But, unfortunately, you do have to go to court.
Yes it costs money to go to court, but if you REALLY want more time, then find a good lawyer who will listen to you. You can fight for more time.
Also, you can revise your child support/custody arrangements every two years.
catlady
June 19th, 2009
1:57 pm
I agree that the presumption that the dad is not the best person to be the custodial parent is outdated and morally (and should be legally) wrong. Sometimes it is a dead heat to see who can be the worst for the child–mom or dad! As a teacher, I have seen a lot of really, really bad custodial moms.