Divorce: Who finds dates/sex easier — Moms or Dads?
Editor’s Note: You guys voted on our new topic yesterday and sex and the divorcee won. Disney tips and quiz will be later this week!
With 40 to 50 percent of couples divorcing in the U.S. (depending on which stat you believe), you’re bound to know friends or acquaintances who have ended up splitting. And every time I hear about another divorce, I start to think about that couple dating – and eventually sleeping with — other people.
Based on what I have observed and how I think I would react if I got divorced, I’m going to theorize that it’s easier for men to get dates and have sex after getting divorced.
Here’s my reasoning:
A. I think in most cases (and I don’t have an official stat on this) women end up being the custodial parent — meaning they have the children more nights a week than their husbands. Just like it’s hard to go on a date when you’re married, it’s hard to date if you have the kids and are divorced. I think men would have more opportunity to go out on dates because they don’t have the kids every night.
B. I think men’s bodies change less during marriage so they are more confident about starting over – finding a date and the possibility of sex. I have to say that if I ever got divorced I would feel the need to distribute “before photos” before removing any clothing at all! It’s not fair that they think this is what your body looks like – this is what giving birth and nursing children does to your body! Michael could hit the dating scene essentially looking the same as he did when we met in college. No amount of gym time will completely correct what my babies have done to my body. (And that’s fine, as long as I don’t get divorced!)
C. I don’t think men take sex as seriously and reverently as women do. I think men fall into bed fairly easily. I could be wrong (and I’m sure you’ll tell me if I am) but I think it would take a long time for a woman, especially one who was married for years, to sleep with a new man.
D. Also I think it would be harder for a woman to find a place to have sex. I have one divorced mom friend with four kids – where is she going to do it? You don’t want to take a man back to your house because your kids are there. You don’t want to spend the night away because then the kids and the babysitter will want to know where you’ve been. I think once the Dad is divorced, if he’s not the custodial parent, it’s just like before he was married.
What do you think: Who has an easier time finding dates and sex after divorce – the mom or the dad?
If you are a divorced woman, how long before you starting dating again? How long did it take for you to have sex? Do you know how long it took for your ex-husband to date and have sex?
If you are the divorced Dad, do you think my assumptions are valid? Do you think it’s physically and mentally easier for men to start over with new women? How long did it take you to start dating? How long did it take you to have sex?
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49 comments Add your comment
Women have an easier...
June 3rd, 2009
7:52 am
…tiem finding sex BEFORE and AFTER marriage – remember the old adage – “Women control half the money in the world and ALL of the sex”!
karma
June 3rd, 2009
8:00 am
Tatooing babies, depression, rape, now divorce sex, gosh I cant wait till tomorrow’s blog; “Guys, how do you kill unwanted kittens?” She’ll google, cut and past 3 paragraphs on killing unwanted kittens, then spend the day defending it with those annoying dashes. “hey guys, dont worry, tomorrow I’ll type stuff about rainbows, I totally promise” (I couldnt bring myself to use the annoying dashes)
Becky
June 3rd, 2009
8:08 am
Karma, I posted this once before with no answer given, so I’ll try again..
Did you have a charisma bypass at birth? Nothing seems to make you happy..
Photius
June 3rd, 2009
8:27 am
Men will “Do” just about anything which provides us with friction, plain and simple.
As for commenting on divorced nit-wits with kids, I’ve only been married once therefore I cannot relate to their idiotic behavior and problems.
PoliticalMan
June 3rd, 2009
8:37 am
We are all sorry you are a fat slob. Very prescient: men have no conscience. Sounds like a book to me.
Frank
June 3rd, 2009
8:41 am
It is a well known fact (whether women want to admit it or not) that the ugliest woman in the world can get laid. Want to prove this? just have a woman go into a bar and yell I need to get laid!. Now do the same with an unattractive man see who gets the action.
DECATUR
June 3rd, 2009
8:42 am
Good morning
i’m a divorce mom with a teenager at home and one in college
i’ve been divorced for about 15 months, however i don’t have the disire nore do i want to just date to have sex or be in a relationship. Whatever happened to keeping yourself until marriage soon the right person will come along. Call me old fashion that’s fine but also those of us who have children and especially girls must set an example for them.
See, Decatur...
June 3rd, 2009
8:54 am
…just proved the point that women CONTROL all sex – nothing wrong with her choice, mind you, she just comments on the question at hand.
And, I had to laugh at Frank’ scenario – about 30 years ago, on my very first job, an attractive, single, female co-employee of mine (I am male) was lamenting her belief that it was much easier for a guy to get laid – I told her that was not true, but she persisted. Then I said I would prove it to her, and I asked her “how about you and me?” (I was young, in shape, and was considered “quite a catch” at the time) – her jaw just dropped as she stood there looking foolish to all of our co-workers! And, no, we never did do it!
Andrea
June 3rd, 2009
8:57 am
Where to begin………..
The most prevalent thing that comes to mind is **WHERE THERE’S A WILL, THERE’S A WAY**. Gender becomes irrelevant where flesh is concerned. I think sex would be easier for either one. But if I had to pick one, I would say it would be the non-custodial parent.
One would want to believe that the mother would not be ‘getting down’ with the kids around, but alas, we know that is not true. We have seen too many stories on the news where the boyfriend abuses (or in many cases) kills the child entrusted to his care. So, mom is getting her pleasure in – right at the house.
I know I am going to get slammed for this, but here goes…
Gender here (in my humble opinion) is not the issue. The issue is age. Older parents tend to take into consideration what the child(ren) at home may be seeing. Younger parents don’t. The kids see too much and way too soon. The kids already know that Daddy has two or three girlfriends. When they ask Mommy who are all the people she entertains in her bedroom, the kids are told it is the cable guy, the telephone guy, the auto mechanic, etc. Younger parents tend to embrace the laissez faire attitude. They are their kids’ friends (LOL).
The Voice of Reason
June 3rd, 2009
9:06 am
WOW…..is there enough room under that rock some of you folks live under? Whats with all the negative comments and blog moderator bashing. If you do not like the subject simply go to another blog where you fit in. No need to be so negative….and yes I am male, 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.
momtoAlex&Max
June 3rd, 2009
9:16 am
It will DEFINITELY be the non-custodial parent. They just simply have more opportunity.
Also, sex, yes maybe..the woman can find it more easily. But dating, marriage and meaningful relationships???? The man will always find those more easily.
I remember talking to a recently divorced friend of mine, a guy. His was a bitter divorce, so he was talking about how he didn’t want anything to do with women for a long while. I told him: “But, see, that’s a choice. If you change your mind and decide that you want to get married again, you WILL be within a year”. That is just not the case for divorced women with kids.
Becky
June 3rd, 2009
9:36 am
The Voice of Reason, amen..Congratulations on being married for 40 years..
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
June 3rd, 2009
9:37 am
Frank – my husband said exactly the same thing last night — he’s like believe me guys will do anything even the ugliest girl —
Andrea – I think you’re right about the age – we know some very young couples with kids who broke up and they seem to bring home anything without regards to the children — our friends divorced our age aren’t doing that.
Decatur — I agree with you – if i got divorced I wouldn’t be interested in dating or sex for a very , very long time — i would be so upset about getting divorced and so worried about it’s affects on my kids, I think it would take many years to move on.
(oh and there were some dashes for that guy is bothers!)
JJ
June 3rd, 2009
9:37 am
Some of us made the choice NOT to parade numerous men in and out of our home. Some of us chose to be there for our kids and get them raised. Since one parent left, the other chose to put their love life on hold, for the sake of the children.
My ex, on the other hand, went on to create more children, and more single parents. To this day, he has 5 kids with 4 women, all of whom are now single parents.
I made the decision early on, to not bring numerous “uncles” into our home. Now, my daughter is 18, and off to college in August, so my new life will begin then.
Reality Check
June 3rd, 2009
9:50 am
As a once Divorced 40 year old male, I am speaking from experience when I say that Dating and sex after divorce is really just a matter of choice. If there is a desire to have relations, one only has to try. My best friend is two years Divorced and because she decided to take control of her life, she is having some of the best sex ever! her children are protected and she is getting the type of personal gratification that we all long for!! As a matter of fact, her sex life is the best out of our entire group of friends. I guess the moral of this story is, Don’t over think it. Do you, and all will be well!!!
Michelle
June 3rd, 2009
9:52 am
You know, I agree with some of the other postings. I don’t think it is gender specific. I think the non-custodial parent definitely has the edge! It is just easier to manage without having to worry about who/what your children see.
Now, what about the divorced couples who never had kids?! I’m going to guess the “leaver” will be moving on much faster than the one “left” behind. Sometimes getting “involved” again has nothing to do with sex!
janedough
June 3rd, 2009
10:05 am
Shouldn’t the title have read Dating after “Divorce” instead of Dating after “Marriage”? Just thought that was more appropriate concerning the content of the article.
FCM
June 3rd, 2009
10:10 am
Depends on the custody arranagement and how its followed. With my ex in the military well visitation just ain’t happening…so you can imagine how that works on my sex life (or lack there of) since I will not have overnight ‘guests’ (even long term relationship ones or friends w/benefits ones) while the children are at home.
Never the Same
June 3rd, 2009
10:12 am
I was widowed, then remarried for a VERY short time, then divorced. The problem with both widowed and divorced people of either gender is that they must process their grief from the loss of a spouse through divorce or death before they move on to another partner. Personally, this was my problem – I was still in love with a dead woman. Everyone is different and deals with these losses in myriad ways; however, I finally decided my first responsibility is to my children, and if I must do without carnal fulfillment for their benefit, so be it.
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
June 3rd, 2009
10:14 am
Janedough — I will send that to our front page folks – i didn’t write that one. but I think you’re right.
What do you guys think about introducing the kids to someone you are dating — not overnights but just as you leave for dates??
chuck allison
June 3rd, 2009
10:17 am
Where is our nation headed? Right here in Georgia, albeit in Atlanta, we are openly discussing sex outside of marriage as though it was totally acceptable! If America wanted to return to decency, they wouldn’t be able to remember how. Decent Americans should pray earnestly for our nation.
Becky
June 3rd, 2009
10:21 am
Michelle, I’m one of the divorced without kids..We divorced because he was dating someone else and I said that it would be a long, long time before I would date again..Well, it didn’t happen that way..
In Nov. before my divorce was final in Jan. I met a guy that I had known since high school and found out that he was also getting a divorce..We’ve been together since then..That was 15 years ago and my ex is now on wife number 3 since the divorce..Not to mention he’s had about 3 girlfriends in between wives..
I agree that if there are children invovled, the one without custody most likely date first…Then again, you have some women that don’t like to be alone and will date a man just to not be by herself..I have a niece like this, she’s been married twice and before each divorce was final, she was dating someone else..
I know that I’m gonna get bashed for saying that last comment, but that’s just my opinion…
Reality Check
June 3rd, 2009
10:22 am
Chuck @ 10:17 am
Come on Chuck, This is a legitimate discusssion a that has very little to do with dencency! We have a rapidly expanding divorced population in this country, and to have honest and open dialoge about subjects such as this is both helpful and healthy! Don’t interject your morality into this. There is pplace for that, but this is not it.
jb
June 3rd, 2009
10:32 am
It only took a week after my divorce to meet my soul mate & life has been wonderful ever since. It took a while to introduce him to the children but they have loved him ever since they met him so all is good with the kids too.
Tom
June 3rd, 2009
10:35 am
A: This is a valid concern, but finding a sitter should not be any harder than when you were married.
B: Why are you getting undressed for a date?
C: Sleep with the new man on your wedding night
D: Marry this man, and then the whole “where to do it” vaporizes (or at least reverts to the same answer you could give for your first marriage)
Denise
June 3rd, 2009
10:41 am
I think the non-custodial parent, in my case my dad, has the most options. At least it was with my father. When we were young we met 2 of Daddy’s girlfriends. He was dating both at the same time and when we figured that out, he stopped bringing us around them. Now, even when we were around them it was at a park for us to play or a restaurant. No “at home” visits and definitely no overnight visits. I didn’t meet another one until I was in college. He decided to keep his grown folks business to himself, even though we didn’t live with him but that didn’t stop him from getting his grown man on when we weren’t there.
Mama, on the other hand, had male friends that came over while we were awake and stayed after we went to sleep. We knew the concept of “boyfriend” but we never SAW how grown folks did the boyfriend/girlfriend thing (smile). We never say Mama kiss a man in other way than in greeting (we are from Louisiana and we kiss everybody we know in greeting) I never felt uncomfortable with my mother’s friends because she made it clear that she was the parent and they weren’t ever going to come before her kids. I grew up with the idea that parents who were divorced could date other people without infringing on their role as a parent.
Andrea
June 3rd, 2009
11:00 am
Theresa,
To answer the new question about letting the date meet the kids: I say a resounding NO. I just don’t agree with the kids meeting a lot of different people. Until you are sure you both are serious and exclusive, I wouldn’t even entertain introducing the person to the kids. The dating world can be whimsical so I think it would just be letting the kids see too much. Adults (well, some) can handle the responsibility of casual dating and any adult choices that come behind that – Kids cannot (no matter how much they insist they can!).
lovelyliz
June 3rd, 2009
11:02 am
I want to apologize in advance.
My sister’s husband found it much easier to date after the divorce. Unfortunately he found it easy to date before the separation, which is one of a myriad of reasons they divorced. Within a week of filing papers he was “officially” dating and within 4 weeks of the ink being dried on the divorce he was living with her. My ex-brother-in-law doesn’t do well ALONE.
Sister got custody. The last guy she dated was her husband. I would like to blame her lack of a dating life on the kid, but her self-confidence was so low from having a husband who wasn’t attracted to her anymore that it’s taken her a while to begin to feel like getting on the dating horse again. She’s working out, watching what she eats and realizes that she’s not at the end of THAT road.
Here’s why I apologized earlier: The irony of my sister getting involved in a long distance relationship with an old friend is that it coincides with her ex-husband’s woman kicking him out. Now he’s calling and telling her how he couldn’t get her out of his heart & mind even when he was with HER. Of course that’s not what he’s telling his friends and family or the girlfriend. My sister has tried a polite no thank you, but now, years after the divorce, he’s pumping the kid for info on Mom and planting those WOULDN’T IT BE NICE IF WE WERE A FAMILY AGAIN crap in her head.
Becky
June 3rd, 2009
11:26 am
lovelyliz, this is what my ex did. From the day that we separated, he would call me wanting to go out..He would always want to know if I was still with that guy..So about three years after our divorce was final, he called me to say that if I would remarry him, that we would be married until one of us died and that he would leave me everything that he owned..
Of course, he’s just the opposite of your ex brother in law..Everyone that I talk to, tell’s me that my ex still to this day, says that he wishes that we had of never divorced..I will say though that he’s a much better friend than he was a husband..
koko
June 3rd, 2009
11:34 am
I agree with janedoe. The title should have read Dating after “Divorce” instead of Dating after “Marriage”. I thought it was going to be an article on ways to rekindle the butterflies in your belly feeling…..
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
June 3rd, 2009
11:48 am
KOKo — we can do that one too on another day!
Razz
June 3rd, 2009
12:21 pm
i like Koko’s topic idea!
The Voice of Reason
June 3rd, 2009
12:28 pm
Could I have KoKo’s number…..I’m old but I aint dead
Photius
June 3rd, 2009
12:36 pm
This is why so many divorced couples keep shagging each other for a while after they have split up…. it’s free, and easy.
How about Dad, while married, cruises the suburban parks at night looking for some “Strange” via someone called Bob near the swing sets. This happens more than you think out in nice, generic suburbia….
Nixon
June 3rd, 2009
1:08 pm
What I don’t understand, is why couples remain married, when one is out “shagging” another. OR why remain married, when both spouses are Shagging others?
I know of two people who are sleeping with each other, both are married to their spouses and have been married for over 15 years. EVERYONE knows what they are doing, even their spouses. WHY do they stay in the marriage? WHY? That’s what I don’t understand…..
Andrea
June 3rd, 2009
1:53 pm
@Nixon:
I think the majority of them stay in it for financial reasons. They don’t want to split things up. It is easy to stay married and cheat than divorce and start over.
JJ
June 3rd, 2009
1:58 pm
I’ve asked that very question Nixon, and the reply I normall get is “Who wants to give up 1/2 of EVERYTHING?” in order to get a divorce.
However, I think it’s wrong. I think if you feel the need to stray outside your marriage, you need to just leave. If you are miserable, get out. Don’t make everyone else miserable.
Some people stay for the kids, but again, I think that’s wrong. My opinion.
FCM
June 3rd, 2009
2:15 pm
Theresa I don’t date (much) and when I do I meet him somewhere. I do not intro the kids unless it looks like it is going to last. I say that because there has only been 1 that met the kids, and it did last for more than a year but he decided his freedom to be him meant more than being yoked to me. My kids are to dang important for me to show them non-committed relationships.
Photius
June 3rd, 2009
2:15 pm
And all are forgetting one other element: Swingers.
Yes, they do exist.
SA
June 3rd, 2009
2:33 pm
Weren’t we supposed to get a Disney topic today? God forbid, you actually have a topic that directly corresponds with MOTHERING?
Photius
June 3rd, 2009
2:54 pm
Well…. Mom’s gotta get some too! Especially if divorced! Dad, the bum of the month, normally splits out leaving her with the baggage and eventually Mom is going to want to “fire up the engine”. It’s a part of motherhood; how not to look like a tramp in front of your 14 year old daughter and how to successfully pull of gettin’ some in a good way.
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
June 3rd, 2009
3:15 pm
Hey SA – they voted yesterday for divorce but Disney will be tomorrow!!
lovelyliz
June 3rd, 2009
3:58 pm
On a slightly lighter note, who dates easier after the divorce depends on a lot and it usually goes in favor of the ex-husband: $$$, custody of the kids, neediness.
From what’s gone on in “my circle”, ex-husbands have generally dated easier, but the women tend to date better.
JustMy2Cents
June 3rd, 2009
4:03 pm
I was divorced, with kids, for 5 years before I remarried. Now he, the one who swore he would never get remarried, was remarried within a year or so.
Dating is completely possible if you are the CP, and probably even easier for NCP. Babysitters, relatives work wonderful for keeping the kids.
Put out if you want to, don’t if you don’t. If you have the kids with their grandparents, you can bring the guy back to your place or go to his. Sex is sex, it is not the emotional thing some women make it out to be…it is physical. That is where women get into trouble by trying to make it emotional.
Matt
June 3rd, 2009
6:49 pm
I disagree entirely, Women Have A Much Easier Time, you just don’t use your advantages!
My reasons are listed here
http://www.imnevergettingmarried.com/in-the-news/
deidre_NC
June 3rd, 2009
7:14 pm
JJ im with you on all that…my youngest graduates saturday from high school (!!!!!!!!!) and starts college in the fall. when her dad and i split up i dated a guy after a year and it didnt work out-i made a choice not to put her (or my youngest son) thru it again…i raised her and never had to worry about boyfriend/step father abuse. or any of the other things that come with step families. now its my turn..im a tad old and really just cant imagine dating anyone (all that getting to know each other chatter!! yuck) much less having a real relationship..its been sooo long!!! im not sure i have (or want to make) time for another person.
soo on topic-custodial parent has a harder time…altho even men with custody seem to remarry sooner. i also agree with whoever said the thing about the age…older=wiser usually…kids really dont need lots of different men (or women) in and out of their lives.
catlady
June 5th, 2009
8:44 am
My observation is that not many divorced folks wait around at all–male or female, and not too many seem to care about what the children observe. It may be easier for the noncustodial parent, but I don’t see many custodial parents slowing down, either.
My ex waited till a few months after the divorce was final to start dating/sleeping with the woman who 6 years later became his wife.
I waited until the kids were grown (a long time, as the baby was 2 when we divorced) before I began a romantic relationship. Did not want to see the pain/discomfort/feelings of abandonment I had seen many kids feel after my friends took up with people right away. I had a rich, full, busy life raising the 3 children 100%, working, and getting 2 advanced degrees. I missed male “companionship” although I was fortunate to have male colleagues in the academic departments.
As a teacher I see too many kids with a “daddy of the month.”
momofboys
June 13th, 2009
1:19 pm
a little off the topic, but what about a divorced dad who is dating a married woman, brings her home to dinner with kids…what is mom to do?
Active Duty Mom
June 16th, 2009
12:40 pm
JJ and Catlady, I wish my mom had done the same when she divorced back in the late 1970s. My brother and I were subjected to four weirdos that she dated (one of whom threatened to beat my brother and me) before she re-married. Unfortunately, her 2nd husband (I don’t refer to him as a stepfather, as he was the devil incarnate) was an alcoholic who verbally and sexually abused me for 4 hellish years during my adolescence. Thank God she finally divorced the bastard, but it took a couple of years of serious therapy before I was able to move on with my life and not have nightmares, flashbacks, etc. and it still took me a long time to trust any man. Any divorced parent who is even considering dating with kids needs to consider the welfare of their kids first. If it means that you do a background check on your date, do it! If your kid tells you that your date is hurting them, BELIEVE THEM and DUMP THE DATE!