Is it OK to hang out alone with opposite sex after marriage?

We don’t actually know if Jon cheated on Kate but people sure have been outraged about him talking in several bars with a young woman and driving off with her. (US Weekly has a whole photo gallery devoted to their interaction.)

All the uproar has made me wonder: What types of behavior with the opposite sex are acceptable after marriage?

Is it OK for a husband to hang out at a bar with friends that are women?

Is it OK for women to talk on the phone to other men? What about to old boyfriends?

Is it OK to have dinner alone with a co-worker or friend who is the opposite sex? (Or does it depend on the person?)

Is it OK to visit the hotel room of the opposite sex on a business trip? (I’m thinking no on this one. It’s called the lobby – go to it!)

Is it OK to be alone in your house with a person of the opposite sex? Be in the office late alone?

Which social scenarios are acceptable and which are taboo?

A few months back a friend got a call from another woman asking her to come over because a male friend was dropping by to pick up something. I believe she had promised her husband that she wouldn’t be alone in the house with another man. That seemed a bit extreme to me.

There are tons of male friends that I would feel perfectly comfortable being alone with in my house. I don’t think I would let anyone spend the night if Michael wasn’t at home (unless there was some type of emergency – house hit by hurricane).

I did have one occasion where I was taking care of a friend’s child and the dad stopped by to pick up the child and ended up staying for dinner. It was a little bit awkward but mainly because I didn’t know him all that well. I think if we had been better friends it would have been completely fine. Plus there were four kids in the house. (Does that change the scenario?)

We also had an old friend visit us several years ago from out of town. He was at the house for several hours alone with me just visiting before Michael got home from work, and I don’t think either one of us thought much about it.

There is one friend of ours that I wouldn’t want to be left alone with mainly because I don’t trust him. I don’t think I’m hot stuff, I just think this guy is a little bit swarmy.

And I can only think of one woman that I would have a problem with Michael being out with alone. It’s not that I don’t trust Michael, but I think she’s a bit messed up right now and is a bit assertive and those two characteristics don’t go well together. I also don’t think she has much respect for marriage in general. I think just because my husband is a married man wouldn’t stop her from making advances.

What about you? Do you and your spouse have any verbalized rules about what type of behavior with the opposite sex it allowed? Any non-verbal rules? Has there ever been an issue with one of you being alone at a restaurant, bar, hotel with the opposite sex? What about in a car, out to dinner, or at home?

What types of social interactions are acceptable with the opposite sex after you are married?

47 comments Add your comment

momtoAlex&Max

May 19th, 2009
7:57 am

Gosh, all that SO depends on the people involved, the state of the marriage, the circumstances, etc, etc, etc.

The only one I have to say certainly NOT is the hotel room one. There’s just NO reason for it.

Being in the office late alone sometimes cannot be helped. It is entirely possible that you just HAVE to in order to compete a project. Theresa, both u and Michael are journalists, I am sure you both have had to stay in the office late to meet a deadline from time to time? I don’t see how this can be helped.

For all the rest, everything depends. I wouldn’t say for sure yes or no until I knew more about the circumstances.

motherjanegoose

May 19th, 2009
8:31 am

I am cutting this in half and posting twice to see if it works….

This is just ME but I cannot fathom any married man being a a bar with another woman at 2 a.m.

That being said, I have gone to dinner with 2 men ( who my husband knows well) while on business. One is a grandfather and one has never been married and they both know our entire family…even my kids since they were little. We went to a well lit place early in the evening with LOTS of people around and I told my husband.

My husband carpooled to work with lady for a while and some folks we know raised their eyebrows and thought you should never do this no matter who or where. The lady was nice and I chatted with her all the time in the driveway, as my husband got out of the car. He chatted with her husband at their house. She took a job in another city( when cuts came a while back) and moved on. I never thought anything fishy was going on.

I had a garage repairman over to fix the spring ***in the garage ***and some thought that was not good, as he arrived early while my husband was not home….the garage was open….is this a big deal?
What do women do who are not married?

motherjanegoose

May 19th, 2009
8:34 am

Yes, I have to talk on the phone with men or I would not be employed. NO, I would not have a man in my hotel room…I do not think that is a good idea. Yes, I have enjoyed chatting with a man who sits next to me on a 3 hour flight THAT I NEVER SEE AGAIN. Some would probably not speak to
a man at all and some would not travel alone without their husband. In 2009 some things are different.

If a man is a family friend, I think having him over for dinner is fine and I would tell my husband.

If Jon had told Kate that he was at a bar at 2 a.m. visiting with another woman…this would not be a problem. RIGHT….because he could not have told her without her going off the deep end and thus we see that this is a problem.

I would not do what he did but that is me.

Belle

May 19th, 2009
9:25 am

I guess it depends on the people involved.

I use to have lunch with co workers all the time and they were men. It was not a big deal. My husband has to take clients out, sometimes they are women and it does not bother me.

We also have a couple of friends who are single guys that come by for dinner here and there. Most of the time they get here before my husband gets home from work. Still not a big deal.

I would say hotel rooms are just asking for trouble.

DB

May 19th, 2009
9:39 am

(Theresa, I couldn’t open this blog in IE)

I think there’s something inherently wrong with a marriage when a man would rather hang out in a bar at 2 AM with another woman instead of coming home and jumping into bed with his wife. But I’m not a big bar fly, so maybe I just don’t see the point.

Promising your spouse that you will never be alone in the presence of someone of the opposite sex is just strange, IMHO. 50% of the world is the opposite sex! Are you seriously saying that you are going to avoid 1/2 the world just because you’re married?! That tells me a lot about the mindset of the person making the promise — or the one asking for the promise. If there is so little trust — why bother getting married?

There’s only been one woman that I had to tell my husband that I was uncomfortable with him being alone with her — because she was nuts! I could easily see her getting mad at him for not succumbing to her “invitation” and then accusing him of . . . whatever. She was constantly telling people about how this guy or that guy had almost “raped” her. Why ask for trouble? He agreed that she made him uncomfortable, but he couldn’t figure out exactly why.

I wouldn’t hesitate to have a co-worker in my hotel room if it was a suite with a sitting area and we needed to work — but I would also leave the door open. If the only seating was a bed, then it’s off to the lobby or a conference room.

I know myself, I trust myself and my sense of honor, and I trust my husband and HIS sense of honor. We both value our marriage and have too much respect for each other to do anything that would cause that trust to fail – so the scenarios you describe are basically non-issues for us.

Tony C.

May 19th, 2009
9:45 am

I can’t wait to see the double-standard at work today.

Personally, I’m anticipating one sex justifying their friendships and interactions with members of the opposite sex because “it’s different-we’re friends” while quantifying in very specific (and restrictive) terms what is acceptable from the opposite sex/their partner.

Mostly, I believe that the opportunity to create/perceive drama will just not be passed up by most of the members of the “justifying sex”.

Tony C.

May 19th, 2009
9:50 am

Actually, Theresa, if you’d just remove my post above please.

motherjanegoose

May 19th, 2009
10:04 am

When I say, I would tell my husband, this is out of courtesy and respect…not because I feel obligated. I do this to keep the other busy bodies at bay, in case someone mentions it to my husband, he knows that I told him the truth and was not hiding something ( as perhaps Jon was).

Jimbo

May 19th, 2009
10:15 am

Once you start down that spiral of mistrust, it’s better to just end the relationship. I have to trust that my wife isn’t going to do anything inappropriate and she has to trust me to do the same. I’m fortunate that I have that trust, but sometimes I wonder if she has that trust in me. Still, if you don’t want to appear suspect, then you shouldn’t do suspicious things.

Jan

May 19th, 2009
10:15 am

I think the idea behind “never” being alone with a member of the opposite sex is to keep you off a slippery slope. (e.g. I doubt Bernie Madoff’s first sleight of hand involved huge sums of money.)

One of our great capacities as humans is our ability to justify our actions. Today your marriage is strong and this co-worker doesn’t appeal to you at all. Working late and having dinner is fine. You told your spouse and hey I gotta eat, right? But then there is a time later when you are vulnerable and you do find the new colleague attractive.

Avoiding talking to your seatmate on the plane or hiring repairmen? Well that depends on whether that is a weakness for you. Can you talk to the person and say no to the dinner invitation when you both land in a city where you dont’ know anyone? I don’t want to be making a decision late at night after a few glasses of wine. I’d rather make it on the plane.

If you draw the line firmly in the sand and you stay well away from it, there is no danger you will cross it. Every one of us is capable of making a bad decision in the “right” circumstance. For me it is better not to put myself in the circumstance. YMMV.

John

May 19th, 2009
11:18 am

I expect myself to not be alone with another woman. My wife expects herself not to be alone with another man. We trust each other completely but we are also jealous for each others reputation. I desire to be above reproach just as my wife does.

DB

May 19th, 2009
11:31 am

Jan, I guess I don’t understand the “slippery slope” concept. If someone is going to cheat on their marriage, it’s not a question of degrees — it’s a mindset on whether or not they are honorable and faithful and take their marriage vows seriously. Either they are or they aren’t.

Misplaced intimacy is also a mindset. Having dinner with a co-worker and discussing a project is not misplaced intimacy. Having dinner with a co-worker and discussing relationship issues with your spouse (or allowing your co-worker to confide inappropriate details) is misplaced intimacy. If you aren’t clear on where the line is, or if you know that you have a tendency to do stupid stuff after a couple of drinks — then skip the alcohol. That’s taking responsibility for your OWN actions, not blaming the other 50% of the population for your own weaknesses.

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

May 19th, 2009
12:25 pm

hey DB — I will double check the coding — I swear I am checking it every time — Jan I think you made some great points — I do think that a faithful husband or wife can make a BAD decision if intoxicated and tempted. I also think there are people who don’t respect the sanctity of marriage and would take the opportunity if presented!!

Theresa Walsh Giarrusso

May 19th, 2009
12:27 pm

You were right DB bad coding at the top — how does that get in there!! frustrating!!

BlondeHoney

May 19th, 2009
1:16 pm

I have observed that my friends and family with the strongest relationships are those in which the partners trust one another, and they have no issue with who they spend time with and where. And that’s exactly how it should be. I have plenty of friends of both sexes and have spent time alone with them on business trips and lots of other places. And my close male friend has no issue with who i lunch with, travel with on business, etc, and neither do i with him. It’s that trust and freedom that strengthens the relationship IMHO. I agree with MJG & DB…and for those of you who do not trust your partner or yourself to be around the opposite sex, I think you need to look within yourselves and figure out what is driving those attitudes..

JustMy2Cents

May 19th, 2009
1:28 pm

Ohh, I like this topic. It doesn’t cross my mind to worry about these type of things. I understand other people may get the wrong impression, but that just shows they are people who don’t know me. I think a lot of it goes back to when I was in the Army. Males & Females slept in the same tent, we had co-ed barracks…gender didn’t matter.

I have done all of the questioned “behaviors”, and to me it is no big deal. I trust myself, and I trust my husband to do the same. I have to agree if you are that unsure of yourself or worried that you or your spouse will cheat…maybe you two shouldn’t be in the relationship to begin with.

Now, I do agree there are some crazy/psycho/throw themselves at your man women out there, and some scumbags that will hit on you no matter what. Common sense would dictate avoiding those situations.

Michelle

May 19th, 2009
2:00 pm

I think trust is the biggest issue. If you trust your spouse and vice versa, there shouldn’t be a problem. If you know that you make poor decisions where alcohol is concerned, don’t drink, etc.

sugar

May 19th, 2009
2:21 pm

Is any Marriage real Today, I don’t think so,you have ladies night out, you have guys night out,and anyone can get caught up and claim to be married. When you are Married and hang out you set yourself up…Trust is not even in Marriage anymore,I have been Married 22yrs. and it’s been a battle, it really doesn’t matter who you have friends with, if you love your marriage then you will be true to your marriage. And if you love God then you will also love you marriage. I still want to know is anyone really true to Marriage this day and time.

jct

May 19th, 2009
2:28 pm

I don’t think that I could be in a relationship where my spouse had issues with me being friends with a person of the opposite sex. I have developed some great relationships over the years that I did not give up after the ring was on my finger (married at 34). Nor was there an expectation on my part that relationships needed to end or change.

I think it is important to set boundaries (discussion not where you will go) with your friends (male and female) when you marry. You should not put all your ‘business’ in the street. Specifics of marital problems should be off the table. I share with one person only just because she is good sounding board (outwardly in a healthy, loving relationship) and will willingly tell me when I am full of it.

I trust my spouse to do the right thing. I also trust myself to make the right decisions.

When this Jon/Kate/woman thing broke (I don’t watch the show), I thought who cares? Why is this an issue? On the surface, there is nothing wrong with being out with a friend at a bar in 2 a.m. in the morning. Now all this other ’stuff’ keeps coming out. Their situation seems to be much deeper than the questions you are asking above.

tc

May 19th, 2009
2:36 pm

My husband is the extreme socialist. He’s loves people and noone is a stranger with him. I’m the complete opposite. He makes friends with every cashier in every store and although it sometimes bothers me that they address him by name and don’t acknowledge me in the slightest, I trust him and I know that’s just him. I have to agree that it’s lack of trust that leads to jealousy.

Stacey

May 19th, 2009
2:43 pm

As some one else said, for me it depends on the person and situation. My husband is a supervisor at his job and has to close up the office 2-3 times a week. Often the last person to leave is a female (who I may or may not know) and that doesn’t bother me at all. Also, his car was in the shop during an especially cold week this past winter and a female coworker (she lives less than 5 miles away) offered to bring him home on his late nights so that I wouldn’t have to take my son out in the cold. Despite the fact that she is a very attractive single woman, I felt very grateful and not at all suspicious or distrustful.

On the other hand, there are some women that I would want my husband to be in the sold out Georgia Dome with, much less alone. Also, since he doesn’t go to bars or nightclubs, it would bother me for him to say that he and “Susan” are going out for drinks after work. I would definitely have a fit if he told me he was having dinner with Michael and I found out that he was with Susan.

nurse&mother

May 19th, 2009
3:00 pm

Sugar, I am true to my marriage. It does appear, however that those of us who truly love our spouses and cherish our relationships are fading fast in today’s society.

I do believe that a platonic friendship between individuals of the opposite sex can eventually lead to a romantic relationship (not to say this will always happen). I think it is more the case if a partner is not getting what he/she needs emotionally from her/his spouse. I have a married co-worker who had an affair with a married man. I suspect this is the case. I don’t think either one of these people started out with these intentions as neither fit the adulterer stereotype (at least my stereotype of one).

I do not allow myself to get in that position. I do not spend free time with anyone of the opposite sex unless my husband is around. I trust him and he trusts me. And because of this I try to think if the shoes were on the other feet, would I be jealous. If the answer is yes, then I avoid the situation. That is called respect for your spouse. I simply don’t put myself in a bad situation.

If you can HONESTLY tell your spouse every detail of your encounter with the “friend” than it is probably ok.

nurse&mother

May 19th, 2009
3:07 pm

tc- I don’t think being sociable to strangers is a problem at all, imho. Both my husband and I are very sociable to strangers and acquaintences (sp?). This doesn’t bother me at all.

Stacey

May 19th, 2009
3:18 pm

My first post didn’t take and I don’t feel like retyping it.

I do believe that married people can have friends of the opposite sex. The key (IMO) is for everyone involved to be open and clear about the relationship. One of my husband’s best friends was a woman that he worked with (she moved out of state earlier this year). They often went to lunch together at work and our families would sometimes meet for dinner. She laughed once that her feelings were hurt that I didn’t see her as a threat.

I work in an office full of women now so that’s all I hang out with at work. One of my supervisors is a very handsome man and my husband refers to him as my boyfriend but I know he doesn’t really think that. At one time I was the only female at my job and he wasn’t bothered by that.

JJ

May 19th, 2009
4:02 pm

Would you feel better if that person was single or married? Are you more insecure about a single person?

I’m best friends with a happily married man, father of two. We have been the best of friends for over 17 years, and he is 12 years younger than me. We have known each other since my daughter was in diapers, and now she babysits for him.

Yes, we do stuff together. We work together, they call me his “other wife”. His wife works on Saturdays, so sometimes he will come over to my house and help me out with stuff I cannot do alone, like hang ceiling fans, install bath faucets, etc. He is more like a brother to me, and we refer to each other as “family”. He and his wife know my entire family, and I know his too. His mom calls me from time to time and we have a great relationship too.

I think it’s all about trusting your partner. I know his wife trusts him, and I have never given her a reason not to. I respect his marriage, I know he loves her so much, they have been together since they were teenagers.

He’s the best friend a girl could ever want. I have dated a few guys who could not handle this friendship. Too bad for them…….I tell them up front, he is my best friend. We can talk on the phone for hours……

Lissa

May 19th, 2009
4:15 pm

I work in IT, an often male-dominated profession. My husband has no problem with this. In fact, I share close quarters with a single male and it’s never been an issue. At a previous job, I once traveled with my married boss by car to Florida. Everything was fine – I never felt threatened, his wife was fine, and my b/f (now husband) was fine with it as well. It all depends on your character and level of trust.

The only time I’ve been uncomfortable with men around was when we had a new refrigerator delivered. Someone had to be there to take delivery, so I worked from home that day. It was just awkward having two strange men in the house, taking hinges off doors, etc.

DB

May 19th, 2009
4:44 pm

@Sugar: I still want to know is anyone really true to Marriage this day and time.

Yes.

It’s not the day, and it’s not the time. It’s the person. There has been infidelity in marriage since marriage was invented. People of honor and self-respect value their marriage and their committment. Settling for anything less is not respecting yourself – and if you don’t respect yourself, why should anyone else?

motherjanegoose

May 19th, 2009
5:11 pm

Yes, I have been true to my marriage.

nurse&mother

May 19th, 2009
6:15 pm

DB- I agree that infidelity has been around for ages, but I don’t think that it was as prevelant. However, I was not there and cannot prove that theory.:-) It just seems like values have gone down the toilet lately. JMHO.

deidre_NC

May 19th, 2009
6:31 pm

in a work situation sometimes you have to be alone with the opposite gender. those who say they have a friend they dont want their spouse to be around because they dont trust the friend..maybe you need to rethink that particular friendship. i try to surround myself with people i can trust no matter what. i dont need to have a million friends-just a few i can trust no matter what with anything. i learned that lesson the hard way when a friend of mine (several years younger than i) ended up in a relationship with my 19 year old son…she was 33 i think at teh time. now i am a lot more careful of my friends…of course i never ever saw it coming…she knew him when he was like 12—needless to say we are no longer friends—imo she is lucky to be alive:)…but…i think spouses need to just be sure not to do something that will disrespect their spouse–if you are doing something that looks fishy and people will wonder about..maybe you dont need to do it. as someone else said–turn the situation around and see how you would like it…if you wouldnt like it then your spouse probably wont either.

motherjanegoose

May 19th, 2009
6:32 pm

lissa…you know, we have had carpet installed, plumbing repairs and our basement finished while I was working from home. Do folks seriously think a man needs to be home to have other men in the house. I did not even think of it, at the time.

DB

May 19th, 2009
7:37 pm

N&M: I agree that divorce is more prevalent. I’m not willing to go out on a limb and say that adultery is more prevalent. :) Stats on adultery are dependent on self-reporting. Social mores being what they are, men brag and women lie, so it’s almost impossible to get a real reading. :D Adultery statistics from previous decades are colored by strict social conventions of perceived male virility and female promiscuity.

But we aren’t talking adultery, here. Theresa posed a series of possibilities that could “endanger” a marriage. Personally, my feeling is that if you are in a truly committed marriage, none of these behaviors are an issue. If your marriage already has trust issues, you’ve got more problems than all the chaperoning and avoidance in the world is going to solve.

BlondeHoney

May 19th, 2009
7:37 pm

Hear,hear JJ…I have a friend exactly like that too. He (and his wife) are some of my closest friends and i adore their 3 kids, and they me. They are my next door neighbors and we look upon each other as family; I consider him like a brother and they call my son their nephew. He is always dropping in by himself, like she does, and no one, LEAST of all his wife, thinks there is anything wrong or suspicious about it. In fact, i think she is grateful because sometimes he works late and will come by for some dinner so as not to disturb his wife…she LOVES that. I love BOTH him and his wife equally, and they me…it’s awesome :)

FCM

May 19th, 2009
9:14 pm

“had a garage repairman over to fix the spring ***in the garage ***and some thought that was not good, as he arrived early while my husband was not home….the garage was open….is this a big deal?
What do women do who are not married?”

Well this unmarried woman would look to see if he was wearing a ring–at least if I were attracted to him. ;)

motherjanegoose

May 20th, 2009
6:48 am

YES, he had a ring and pictures of his children which he proudly showed me….LOL!

Jesse's Girl

May 20th, 2009
10:47 am

It is about trust….but I do respect the fact that men and women are human. I have a friend…a very dear friend…who’s husband cheated. There was nothing wrong in their marriage at all. They had a fairly active sex life and enjoyed eachother’s company. But the level of activity in the family lead to him not feeling “close” to her. She was always working…he was always working. And it just happened. He didn’t plan it….doesn’t make him any less scummy…but it doesn’t make him evil either. The woman he cheated with was very good at her “talent”. She was known to enjoy the company married men and knew how to play up to their desires and insecurities. All it took was one time of being alone with her…at a lunch…and she hooked him. Thank goodness, their marriage survived and they are stronger now than ever before. But this crap happens…..and it happens because we are all human.

In my work, I meet A LOT of very good looking people. And there have been times when I have “clicked” with someone immediately. Being happily married doesn’t negate an attraction to someone else. If that connection is made with someone…I accept it and make zero small talk and never allow myself to be alone with them….EVER. I know that Jesse does the same…

We are all human and sometimes, nature tries to take over. That doesn’t make us bad people. But the smart ones among us….like me and Jesse:)…recognize it and make a point to avoid it. Cheating is almost always an opportunistic crime…..DO NOT GIVE YOURSELF THE OPPORTUNITY.

Denise

May 20th, 2009
1:46 pm

I have a great best friend that is a guy. I’ve had him for almost 15 years (next month) and we’ve NEVER ever looked at each other in any other way that friendly. I have slept in the bed with him before. Nothing frisky EVER. We just know better. Plus, it has always been easy for me to resist him because I see him as a FRIEND not even a MAN. LOL! (Yes, he knows that and yes, he still hates when I say it.)

He got married about 5 years ago and they have a 2-year old. Guess what! When we get a chance, we get together. US – not his wife and son. You know why? We’re FRIENDS and his wife is comfortable in the knowledge that we’d never cross the line. Notice I didn’t say HE would cross the line; the key is that she knows I wouldn’t either. He could be at my house drinking beer until who knows and his wife will know he’s with ME and think nothing of it.

See, I think folks get in trouble because they put unrealistic restrictions on themselves. Either TRUST or LEAVE…or go crazy trying to worry about “what if”.

FCM

May 21st, 2009
6:31 am

MJG In that case, I would have offered him cold bottled water, smiled at the photos and left him to do his work….Married men are off limits.

Jody Maley

May 25th, 2009
2:01 pm

My hubby and I aren’t jealous of each other at all! we trust each other completely….if one of us feels uncomfortable that they went for coffee/hung out we TELL each other that and Respect the others feelings!

Quite often my hubbies best friend has come over for coffee and DH (darling hubby) hasn’t even been home…big deal!

Marriages and Trust are still intact and if you have jealousies/arguments over this issue…I’d say you should work on your TRUST first!
J

jack5656

May 26th, 2009
11:07 am

what’s the definition of the word “swarmy”?

girlfriendhomealone

July 22nd, 2009
9:06 am

I trust my boyfriend, but I grew up with a philandering father and brothers and my ex cheated on me (I have a STD as a result). So I still feel weird for instance when he is away on business alone with a female colleague. She has been in his hotel room to discuss business which I thought was weird but he said they had no where else to go because they’re rooming in a small bed and breakfast.

Also, after business they are hanging out together seeing the sights and having dinners together every night. I’m home alone and he’s spending what amounts to quality time in the evening with another woman. She is attached as well, so I wonder how her boyfriend feels. I guess he’s okay with it because he trusts her. My boyfriend does make it a point to call me everyday and let me know what they’re doing. I also have all his contact information as do his parents. Even so, I feel a twinge of jealousy.

I am anxious for him to get home since this is a two week trip. I personally think as far as time alone with the opposite sex when you’re attached you should limit it where posible. You should also avoid the appearance of impropriety where possible and let your spouse know about the encounter if it can’t be avoided – like business, etc.

Men and women weren’t meant to be platonic friends. There are two sexes for a reason. Typically when you get close to someone else it stirs other feelings. Someone always wants more most of the time. I think you’re naive not to believe this. Just search the net and see all the folks asking for advice on how to turn their best friend into a lover. Male/female friendships just have different dynamic because of sexual tension and that’s why clear boundaries have to be established and adhered to.

It would be good if you and your significant other established what those boundaries are for you. I feel like my boundaries have been breeched with my boyfriend. I’m just not comfortable with him spending that much face time with another woman on what is essentially a mini-vacation. The situation is just too intimate with the two of them alone. I’m not sure what I can do. I can tell him I’m uncomfortable, but what is he supposed to do with that information when it’s work and she’s training him? I guess he could make a point to limit their time together, because having dinner with her every night and sight seeing with her isn’t necessity. Let’s face it that it’s pleasure. He’s hanging out with a work buddy he likes that happens to be female.

And I’m sure he sees nothing wrong with this, because he loves me. But how many people get blindsided anyway? I guess I’m afraid he might develop more of a fancy to this woman seeing her in a more intimate non-work light. It feels like they’re dating out there. Or am I just paranoid?

Snuffly

July 31st, 2009
2:17 am

My husband is 5 years younger than I am. When we met I was ready to “settle down” and he wa ok with this. When we got pregnant he was 21. He never really had the “single life”. The first 4 years of your marriage where great! We had friends (couples) that we would hang out with and have a great time. We moved to another state and so did one of those couples but my husband became friends with a single female that was having problems in her relationship. He would go out drinking with her and not have a care in the word, no calls to me to let me know his plans or comming he so drunk he shouldn’t have been driving. Her and I talked and she told me she had no intrest in him, but with all his antics I was ready to leave. We stayed together, and we all hung out together this female, her husband, my husband and myself. He changed jobs and the would talk on the phone occasionally. Another 4 years pass and we are having problems again he has met another female that is having relationship issues and falls for her. She lived in another state they met throught an online game that he and I played together. So I told him its either her or I and he chose once again to work things out. At this point I can’t trust him. We have worked hard to keep our marriage together and he has made alot of changes in himself. Now after 11 years of marriage he again has found another female with relationship issuse and needs to be her shoulder to cry on. This time again it’s someone he works with and she is 10 years younger than him. They would text constantly she would call at all hours of the night it was extreme! Being he wasn’t setting boundries I called her and asked her not to call him so late. I was not rude I just felt like he wasn’t doing it so I needed to. From what he has said she wasn’t ok with going to dinner and asked him more than once if I was and he lied to her too. We decided to go see a counsler well I have finished my counseling (not that I don’t need more but the counsler thinks I’m ok for now and so do I) he on the other hand has only hone twice and says she doesn’t return his calls. Ok so back to thier friendship, he lied to me about going out with her. I knew the would go to lunch together at work and stuff but he would tell me he was going out with a guy friend and go out with her! She was sick at home and he went to her house to make sure she was ok until her sister could get there. He tells me she’s like his little sister (he is an only child) and that he loves me. He still goes to lunch with her, he always pays! He has gone to hang out with her and her friends. I met her once before he told me that he lied and she couldn’t look me. It was just the 3 of us for drinks and when she would talk she would look at him. Ok so now he’s on vacation and tells me he needs some “me time” ( he has worked 6 days 10 hours for the last few weeks) and wants to hang out with her and a guy friend from work. I’m not ok with this! here I am looking forward to spending time with my husband because he has been at work much! I talked to him tonight and he tells me that if I told him that it’s me or her he would chose based on principal his friend! I know that they are at this point just friends she’s in a diffrent relationship, but jealous he sees her at work they go out to lunch why does he need to go hangout with her? Plus they are meeting at this guys house at 9:30am and he says he doesn’t know what they are doing!! But he will call and let’s know. I don’t know what to do we have 3 kids and I love him and I know he loves me too. I think he just didn’t have a chance to have fun having kids so young, but we are a fily know and I feel like we should be his world like he is ours! Do o live with him going and having his fun and getting it out of his system? Trusting that they have just a brother/sister relationship? O just don’t know. Any advice, wisdom or any thoughts?

Snuffly

July 31st, 2009
2:18 am

Wow sorry post is so long

snuffly

July 31st, 2009
2:39 am

Could you please delete my first post i typed it on my phone with no spell check it has a lot of typos!! I have re-posted with the corrections. Sorry for the trouble.

snuffly

July 31st, 2009
2:39 am

My husband is 5 years younger than I am. When we met I was ready to “settle down” and he was ok with this. When we got pregnant he was 21. He never really had the “single life”. The first 4 years of your marriage where great! We had friends (couples) that we would hang out with and have a great time. We moved to another state and so did one of those couples but my husband became friends with a single female that was having problems in her relationship. He would go out drinking with her and not have a care in the word, no calls to me to let me know his plans or coming home so drunk he shouldn’t have been driving. She and I talked and she told me she had no interest in him, but with all his antics I was ready to leave. We stayed together, and we all hung out together this female, her husband, my husband and me. He changed jobs and they would talk on the phone occasionally. Another 4 years pass and we are having problems again he has met another female that is having relationship issues and falls for her. She lived in another state they met through an online game that he and I played together. So I told him its either her or I and he chose once again to work things out. At this point I can’t trust him. We have worked hard to keep our marriage together and he has made a lot of changes in himself. Now after 11 years of marriage he again has found another female with relationship issues and needs to be her shoulder to cry on. This time again it’s someone he works with and she is 10 years younger. They would text constantly she would call at all hours of the night it was extreme! Being he wasn’t setting boundaries I called her and asked her not to call him so late. I was not rude I just felt like he wasn’t doing it so I needed to. Since then it has died down some. Ok so back to their friendship, he lied to me about going out with her. I knew they would go to lunch together at work and stuff but he would tell me he was going out with a guy friend and go out with her! She was sick at home and he went to her house to make sure she was ok until her sister could get there. From what he has said she wasn’t ok with going to dinner and asked him more than once if I was and he lied to her too. We decided to go see a counselor, well I have finished my counseling (not that I don’t need more but the counselor thinks I’m ok for now and so do I) he on the other hand has only gone twice and says the counselor doesn’t return his calls. He tells me this girl is like his little sister (he is an only child) and that he loves me. He still goes to lunch with her, he always pays! He has gone to hang out with her and her friends. I met her once before he told me that he lied and she couldn’t look me. It was just the 3 of us for drinks and when she would talk she would look at him. Ok so now he’s on vacation and tells me he needs some “me time” (he has worked 6 days 10 hours for the last few weeks) and wants to hang out with her and a guy friend from work. I’m not ok with this! Here I am looking forward to spending time with my husband because he has been at work so much! I talked to him tonight and he tells me that if I told him that it’s me or her he would chose based on principal his friend! I know that they are at this point just friends she’s in a different relationship, but I am jealous. He sees her at work they go out to lunch why does he need to go hangout with her? Plus they are meeting at this guys house at 9:30am and he says he doesn’t know what they are doing!! But he will call and let me know. I don’t know what to do we have 3 kids and I love him and I know he loves me too. I think he just didn’t have a chance to have fun having kids so young, but we are a family know and I feel like we should be his world like he is ours! Do i live with him going and having his fun and getting it out of his system? Trusting that they have just a brother/sister relationship? I just don’t know. Any advice, wisdom or any thoughts?

luce

November 30th, 2009
7:08 am

My fiancee travels with his work, we are both late thirties divorcee with children, so very busy lifes and very different pasts. we are having a major issue at the moment as after 1 1/2 years together i have just found out that he regularly takes other woman on lunch /dinner meetings. He says that its no big deal, he doesnt differentiate between male and female company as he doesnt wish to be with anyone else therfore doesnt look at females in any way other than purely friends! I am really struggling to cope with this, dining with other men is not something I do and if i did I would def tell him about it, he thinks im totally insecure and gets very defensive if I tell him how unhappy i feel about him doing this, in other aspects of our relationship we are both very happy loving and caring Do i let this break us up or put up?

scotty

April 16th, 2010
2:34 pm

I know this post is pretty old, but i had to throw in my two cents. I was recently in a situation with someone from work. I have been married for 7 years. I trust my wife and my wife trusts me, but a lot of us are naive to the limits. I have always said that i will not put myself in a situation that even could construe as a problem. I don’t want my wife to fear me cheating. Well, here goes! I worked with a woman (she was my boss) who is very pretty and just cool to be around. Well i am not putting this on the other woman, but it did get to a point to she had developed feelings. She was married to a good man that seemed selfish from time to time, but i never suspected their marriage was bad. She came clean and was in love with me and wanted us to leave our spouses. I was blown away and had never crossed any boundaries. I tried to distance myself and through all of this i started to think about things (few problems at home) and started to develop feelings myself. I distanced myself not wanting to cause a problem in my marriage, but also not wanting her to do something to hers. I was finally able to tell her no and get away. Let me tell you how this situation has effected me. Well for starters I have this shortness of breath while writing this. I still wonder to this day if I am wrong or what….. We never did have an affair but i was so close that is scares me to death. I have drawn to the conclusion that work relationships can be dangerous! I think the biggest factor is that you can relate to that person. You do the same work for goodness sake, no telling how many hours a day you are with this person! For me its hard to talk to my wife about my job (dealing with numbers all day) and I can tell she does not really want to hear it….I mean it seems as if she is about to fall asleep while listening. Work can be so intimate. If i think about it, i blame myself for these feelings I have and she had. I will not say I was a saint in this, but at the time i felt as if i did not do anything wrong (i.e. lunch, bar, restaurant, or just talking). I know a lot of you will want to destroy me and think i was being overly flirtatious or a player, but it was nothing like that. I truly felt my wife had no reason to ever question me (not that she did). I don’t want to rain on some of y’alls parade, but you say that you have a friend who is of the opposite sex and their spouse is totally ok with you. How do you know that…because they put on a smile and befriend you…really??? Have you ever thought that you could be hurting their marriage? I know most everyone has heard the old “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” quote. Could they be dealing with this issue behind closed doors when their spouse is hanging with you? I am not saying that you cant have a guy “friend” or a girl “friend”, but you really have to be super cautious of the situation. I had told my wife once i realized i was starting to feel something. This has changed so many things for me! I will also mention they lived in the same neighbor hood and we were all friends. She ended up telling her husband and he thought it was my fault and now none of us talk. Then there are the ones that think, oh i would never let this happen…all i can say is that’s what i thought. If you care to push the boundaries and think you are doing nothing wrong then keep doing what you are doing. I know that i have some strange feelings that i am dealing with everyday. I know i want my wife, but if I told you i did not wonder what could have been, then i would be lying. The people you work with have similar interests, if you think i am crazy, then so be it. All of this is not to offend anyone. I really just wanted to share my experience and let you know what happened to me. I will say this in closing. My wife knows what i did. I wanted to tell her so she did not hear it from someone else. It did help us in some areas, but it has scared our marriage. It was an emotional affair no matter how I say it. I shared emotions with another women that should only be shared with your spouse. I know this woman truly loved me and I have a lot of love for her, but i now know i am in love with my wife! its fine to take you shots, I have had plenty (even from the guys who think i should have “hit it”) I am a good guy who would have never thought i would have been in this, but i am and it hurts now! Sorry for all the errors in this story, i am using my phone. Put your emotions and time into your spouse!