Another tragic death: How can parents/schools stop bullying?
A heartbreaking story on the front page of AJC.com today, an 11-year-old boy from DeKalb County hung himself last week after he was bullied relentlessly at school, his family said. Here’s the link to the story and some excerpts.
From the AJC story:
“On Thursday afternoon, after returning home from Dunaire Elementary School, Jaheem Herrera quietly went into his room and hanged himself. His 10-year-old sister, Yerralis, also a fifth-grader, discovered Jaheem’s dead body.”
“Jaheem was bullied relentlessly, his family said. Keene said the family knew the boy was a target, but until his death they didn’t understand the scope.”
” ‘We’d ask him, ‘Jaheem, what’s wrong with you?’” Keene recalled. ‘He’d never tell us. ‘ ”
“He didn’t want his sister to tell, either. She witnessed much of the bullying, and many times rose to her brother’s defense, Keene said.”
“They called him gay and a snitch,” his stepfather said. “All the time they’d call him this.”
“In an interview with WSB-TV, the boy’s mother, Masika Bermudez, also said her son was being bullied at school. She said she had complained to the school.”
“Earlier this month the suicide of a Massachusetts boy, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover – who suffered taunts that he was gay – attracted national attention.”
“He was also 11. His mother found him hanging from an extension cord in the family’s home.”
“Jaheem was excelling academically, Keene said, adapting quickly to his new home. The family moved to the Avondale Estates area less than a year ago from St. Croix in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Last winter, his grandmother died from cancer. She was living with the family at the time.”
We have a friend who has a very thin, small little guy in middle school. He was being bullied constantly. The parents went to the school multiple times and the principal assured them he would be protected. The last straw was when his head was shoved into a toilet at school and the kids flushed it on him. The parents pulled the child from the school and are now having to homeschool just to protect him. I’m not sure if they are taking any legal action against the school.
Jaheem’s story leaves me wondering many things:
How rampant is bullying? What can the schools do to stop it? How can you know as a parent when it’s happening? How can you judge how severe it is? What can we say to siblings who might be able to share what is going on even when the child will not? Are the schools liable in this type of case?
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214 comments Add your comment
DunwoodyMom
April 21st, 2009
10:24 am
Make sure that the principals in the schools have the power to suspend and submit to an alternative school any student that partakes in bullying. NO SECOND CHANCES.
free
April 21st, 2009
10:36 am
Storm said “My children have been taught to fight back. If someone hits them, hit ‘em back. Quit babying your kids, and teach them a little self defense. Then, if anything happens for fighting back, I’ll deal with it at home.”
Storm, my soon to be hubby does this with his twin boys. His mantra is the first time, ask the bully to stop; the second time, inform the teacher; the third time, pick up an “equalizer” (a stick, whatever) and go all out–and he’ll back them up in the Principal’s office.
I KNOW HOW THIS KID FELT!
April 21st, 2009
10:37 am
This story makes me sick to my stomach… so tragic. How many suicides and school shootings have to happen before something is done about bullying??? I was bullied, made fun of, and laughed at in school so I know exactly how this child was feeling. Its torture! I graduated from a DeKalb County school and trust me… THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT BULLYING! Wanna know what they told me? “Oh you’ll be alright.” That’s their attitude! Meanwhile, a child is left to endure that pain day after day after day. This type of daily abuse makes time go by much slower, giving you the feeling that you’re trapped and there’s no way out. Wanna get transfered to another class or another school? Forget about it, you got a better chance of winning the lotto! They’ll do everything in their power to keep your child where they are. Sure there are a few school staff members who are sympathetic but for the most part, these school teachers/admins/officials/boards don’t care about anything unless it affects them or their job. They put all this focus on test scores and curriculum but care little about the school’s environment or a child’s mental stability. DEKALB COUNTY SCHOOLS, AND SCHOOL SYSTEMS AS A WHOLE, ARE TERRIBLE AT HANDLING THIS ISSUE. Its such a tragedy when a child feels like death is the only way to find peace. My heart truly goes out to the family of Jaheem.
JJ
April 21st, 2009
10:37 am
I do not think it is the responsbility of the schools to watch and report these kids. Teachers have enough to do as it is, and are not paid very well at all. To add “babysitting” to their daily routine, is just not productive.
Is there no bullying in private schools? Just because you pay thousands of dollars to send your kid to a fancy school, does that make them perfect little angels? I am sure Private schools have their share of bullies.
ant banks
April 21st, 2009
10:37 am
the parents of the bully should be held accountable, since the bully is a minor. hear me out…if a pitbull attacks and maims someone, the owners of the pitbull are held accountable, because they obviously did not excersise DISCIPLINE with their dog.
same with this situation…the parents of the bully had and were responsible for raisin’ him they have obviously failed if his actions led to someone else killin’ themself.
Jerseygirl
April 21st, 2009
10:39 am
This is indeed an awful situation. The parents of the bullys should be held responsible as well as the group who were relentless in bullying not just Jaheem but others in the school. My daughter was bullied in 8th grade. When she stood up for herself she was penalized along with one of the bullys. The parent of the bullys never attended a conference that was set up with the VP. They kept up — I was relentless in calling the school and literally talking to the principal and another VP — I also was prepared to take it further by pressing charges — I called the police just in case. Parents have to stand up for their children. Most of the time our kids don’t want to tell us for fear of retaliation and being called a snitch. To hell with that snitch thing. HOLD THE SCHOOLS, ADMINISTRATION, BULLY PARENTS AND STUDENTS RESPONSIBLE. You have to be a bulldog for our kids. how dare someone tell him to “man-up”. Poor Jaheem and his family. Everyone if you can, make a small contribution to get him home to St. Croix.
Kitty
April 21st, 2009
10:40 am
Its terrible the boy killed himself. My feeling is, the parents knew something was wrong and did nothing. At the very least bring him to a shrink. The bullying will not stop until parents are actually parenting. Real parenting stopped about 20-30 years ago. Parents these days only provide material goodies…..not moral goodies or teach them right from wrong. It will continue. As far as lawsuits go, I think its ridiculous. Someone is always trying to make a buck –for anything. Disgusting.
Realistic Teacher
April 21st, 2009
10:42 am
I wonder how many parent conferences this family attended with their son? I wonder how many times this family called and talked to an administrator or a counselor about the bullying that their son was receiving? I wonder how many times this innocent young boy’s mother or step-father sat him down at the dinner table and asked him about his day? If you want to stop bullying, or any other issue that may harm a child, get involved in their lives. How many times are the kids that are found with drugs on them at school drug tested by their parents? How many times are the kids who fail subjects in school asked by their parents if they need help with school assignments? The problem is that parents think that it is the school’s responsibility to raise their child. Teachers see a child for a very small percentage of that child’s life. The parents are the ones that have the ability to interact or intervene in their child’s life. The parents make the biggest impact of a child, not a set of administrators, and not a teacher who sees a child for 60 to 70 minutes per day 5 days a week. I am sure that this family is mourning the loss of their child. My heart goes out to them. However, if you want to stop bad things from happening in your child’s life, get involved!!!
Pamela
April 21st, 2009
10:45 am
First and foremost my prayers goes out to this little boys’ family and all the families that have lost their loved ones foolishly.
Second, this REALLY need to be investigated. If this child went to his teachers and other people “so called” grown people and complained about being bullied and they did absolutely nothing about it…then as a tax paying citizen I say that they ALL should be FIRED!!!!! It’s really sad that this is the second time that something like this happened in our country that I know of in less than a month. The other little boy was from another state.
It’s so unreal that if a person is being bullied because of their race something is done about it “sometimes”..however when a person is being bullied because of what people assume of this persons’ sexuality “homosexual” NOTHING is done about it! That is WRONG to the nth degree!!!! Then Dunbar Elementary officialy had the nerve to say ‘no bullying tolerance’..that is a bunch of crap!!! If that were the case this situation would have never gotten this far or this bad for a child to take their own life.
I have always told my son that if anyone ever bullies him that he will need to deal with it at that time and ‘nip it in the bud!’…If you don’t do that then things like this can happen.
I’m am so saddened that this beautiful precious child took his own life. He is now resting in peace. I bet you anything that he probably thought that he could die and return later and that maybe they would miss him so much that they would treat him better..unfortunately that is NOT or EVER the case…death is permanent. This is so sad…Something need to be done now with ALL school systems in this country regarding bullying. **The School Administrators should have done something about this!!!**
God Bless his family and loved ones he left behind…
Kym aka Southern Girl (Gal)
April 21st, 2009
10:46 am
@Free and Storm
While the techinque of using the equalizer worked back in the day. Now in schools kids are bring weapons to school. The way to stop violence is not going to be with more violence. Believe me I understand as a parent it may seem crazy to tell your child not to hit. But, based on what is going on in schools(the part they are not reporting nightly on the news) you may want your kid to think twice about equalizing the situation. As someone pointed out some of the kids bullying are coming from a different background where violence is nothing to them. So while your child may have the stick, and get away with the lick. The other child may come back days later with a knife or gun. Don’t think it can’t happen. Schools don’t report all the weapons they find for fear of winding up on what I like to call the “risky school report,”but trust me schools are finding more than pudding cups in kids lunches.
Change
April 21st, 2009
10:48 am
This is nothing but the ingorance of the Afro-American people again. We are the highest people with HIV cases and we still want to pretend that homosexuality does not exist. Meaning you have so many Afro-Americans running around on the dl. We as a people need to teach our kids that there are other people of all different races, creed,nationalities,religions and sex, but that this has nothing to do with who that person is on the inside. We need to first start excepting ourselves and stop judging one another but acceptance is the key. We all can’t be one way. Then life would be boring. i have to deal with this say type of harrasement from grown adults, so I don’t expect anything less from children that are raised by these same adults, that are childish and immature and are not comfortable with themselves, so they teach thier children these same values. it’s sad but it’s the way that Afro-Americans are. The child was being picked on because he didn’t act like the other kids and some of the same kids are dealing with issues of thier own but are to afraid to speak out for fear of being harrased by thier own peers and some are afraid becasue they will not be execepted by thier own families. This did not have to happen but I expect that these same teachers that this young man expressed his fears to are also bashers and we need to stand up to these people and address what is really happening. They themselves have not dealt with these issues, so when comfronted they turn thier backs as if it doesn’t exist, but it does. Come on Black people wake up this is 2009 and we are still in the dark ages. I feel so sad for the young man and his family. Parents talk to YOUR children. Thier life is so much more important than an embarrassing conversation. God bless the child.
Pamela
April 21st, 2009
10:52 am
This comment is for Realistic Teacher…YOU NEED TO STOP MAKING EXCUSES!!!!! THIS BOY DIED BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!!! I BET YOU ANYTHING THAT THIS CHILD WENT TO A PERSON THAT THINK THE SAME WAY YOU DO AND THAT IS WHY NOTHING WAS DONE..THIS MAKE ME WONDER IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE PEOPLE HE COMPLAINED TOO..IF SO SHAME ON YOU!!!
IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HIS PARENTS DID OR DID NOT GO TO THE SCHOOL TO DISCUSS SITUATION…THE ADMINISTRATORS SHOULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS AND DID THEIR JOB!
I do agree that parents should be more responsible regarding their children…I DO NOT allow any school to raise my child! I meet with his teachers on a regular basis, but for those who don’t..does NOT change the fact that this child went for help numerous of times and received NADA!!!
Pamela
April 21st, 2009
10:57 am
JJ: Yes bullying goes on in private schools. I went to private schools my entire life and yes it happens. It’s everywhere. It is less tolerable though and the school administrators do something about it when it is discovered. Public schools all over this nation should do the same…
No More Bullies
April 21st, 2009
10:57 am
Home schooling is NOT the answer. That will just delay any problems and they still won’t know how to handle them. If a child is a known “bully”, they should be reprimanded the first time, and after that, then expulsion should be MANADATORY. I agree…children this age shouldn’t have the knowledge of homophobia and sexual innuendos. I place blame for bullies on the parents. Teach your child acceptance, tolerance, grace and manners, and they will be a more successful, productive member of society. A bully will end up in JAIL eventually.
free
April 21st, 2009
10:59 am
Pamela, I think we need to hear a teacher’s perspective. They are just as frustrated as parents. You couldn’t pay me to be a teacher and deal with what they deal with knowing the expectations, pressures, and contraints put upon them by parents and the system. There are always three sides to every story. Just a few weeks ago I read about the kids in the charter school whose parents complained because they were acting out and thus separated from the class. When things like this happen, all sides need to evaluate what they could have done better.
Palmetto Georgia
April 21st, 2009
10:59 am
Everyone that works for the Board of Education are afraid of students.
They are afraid of law suits, your disrespectful children, and you.
They have to walk on egg shells when it comes to approaching your children about their behavior. They don’t want to call you because you are coming up to the school with all of your tatoos, baggy pants, mohawks, very large earrings, strapless, backless, attitudes. Your defensive mode on high alert of protecting the bully. You have no control over your children. Even you are afraid of them. I have seen them yelling and cursing at you. I have witnessed you coming to the school demanding their ipods, cell phones, mp3 players be returned to you or else you are going to sue. You are the least bit concerned that they brought these items to school you are there to get it back forcefully in front of your bully sons and daughters. Yes, I see you all of the time. You make me sick. Your ignorance is displayed everytime you come marching through the doors of the school looking as if you just left HELL. You are your bullying, disrespectful, mean-spirited children. Where are all of the parents who are not afraid of children? Oh, I forgot they no longer have their children because mean ole DFACS got them for disciplining them. The schools once belonged to the Principals, Teachers, Administrators etc but now it is a place where the bullies hang out. I am so deeply sorry about what has happened to this very young little boy who did not deserve for this to happen to him. He was a little boy who needed to be protected. How can we expect children to withstand such brutality. This little boy could not stand up and be a man because he is a little boy. God Help Us All.
Schools gone wild!!!!
Storm
April 21st, 2009
10:59 am
Kym – I am NOT going to tell my kid to do nothing when someone else has “started” it and bullied my child. My kids will defend themselves when necessary. I aint raising no pansies!!! Talking to your kids, doesn’t help. Teach them to defend themselves…..
We teach tolerance in our home. But, we also teach self defense! We don’t teach our kids to lay down and take whatever is dished out!!! If someone hits you, ball up your fist and hit them back, harder.
Bullies bully because no one will stand up to them, including teachers/administrators/parents. Once these kids start standing up to these bullies/wimps, the bullying will stop!!! Trust me.
BJ
April 21st, 2009
11:00 am
I am a retired school teacher. I do understand that bullying takes place in all schools!! Over the years, I have found that MOST teachers and administrators try to do their best to provide the best environment possible for students to learn. However, I have also found that VERY FEW parents take an active role in their children’s education and in their lives, especially as the children grow older. The PTA meetings are usually attended by teachers who MUST be present, not by parents. The scheduled parent conferences are, very often, a waste of time because MOST PARENTS don’t show up. Parents must begin to PARENT again! Sit down, look your children in the EYES and TALK TO THEM! Have a family dinner everyday and DISCUSS the issues that are going on with them! Our children NEED their parents to be advocates for them, but parents are too busy doing other things. Yes, we must work…but never sacrifice your children for a job! The FAMILY must come first!! Please, don’t blame the teachers and administrators for everything! They get the kids that the PARENTS send them and it is so true…”THE FRUIT DOES NOT FALL TOO FAR FROM THE TREE!!” My heart goes out to this family! I can only imagine the hurt and pain that they are experiencing. My heart goes out to the school and administrators, as well. After having taught for 30 years, I also know that most teachers and administrators try to do their very best in both educating and RAISING other people’s children. They cannot do it all in a classroom of 25 to 30 children! They get what YOU send them, parents!! Meet your own children, because, too often, you don’t even know them!! Food for thought!!
joy
April 21st, 2009
11:00 am
I think this is just BADDDDDDD, FIRST OF ALL YOU HAVE A LOT OF PARENTS WHO ARE BULLIES THEM SELF,SO THERE CHILDREN ACT LIKE THEM, THERE ARE NO VALUES BEING TAUGHT AT HOME, YOU HAVE SO MANY CHILDREN WHO ACT JUST LIKE SOME OF THERE PARENT JUST PLAN (RUDE). Parents have no respect so the kids have no respect,So they go out and fight, curse, and bully.
A LOT OF THIS MESS REALLY AND TRULY START A HOME………..AND THATS THE TRUTH. IF A CHILD CURSE HIS/HER PARENTS WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY WILL DO TO YOUR CHILD.I DO THINK IN THIS CASE THE SCHOOL AND THE KIDS NEEDS NEED TO BE BLAMED. I FEEL FOR THE LITTLE BOYS PARENTS.
free
April 21st, 2009
11:02 am
Kym, I agree but the kids are really young right now. The equalizer might not necessarily be the best approach as they get older. However, they also cannot remain silent (or let their complaints fall upon deaf ears) and let it build up from within. It then turns THEM into something we don’t want them to be (violent, reclusive, suicidal, etc). I agree it’s a two-edged sword.
Katia
April 21st, 2009
11:04 am
parents need to take a good and hard look at their children today. Bullies are not just bullies in school. There are signs of aggression that show up in their everyday life. Parents pay attention to your child’s attitude, the comments that are made and how they treat other people – do not write it off as just being a kid. When you see your child with a negative attitude towards another topic, race – anything! Call it what it is and let them know that it is wrong! The parents of bullies are the only ones that are going to be able to stop this! You see your child hurting another child whether with words or physical you have to be the one to tell them that it is cowardly! Feeling superior then others is not what happiness is about! Spell it out for them – these bullies have issues and are taking it out on the kids that don’t
AntiBully Dad
April 21st, 2009
11:09 am
My kid went to Gwin Oak Elementary, he frequently got bullied in school and in the bus. The worst is the bullies made my kid give them money. We reported the incidents to school but seems like they did not care much about it, so does the bus drivers. We did not see the bullying stop after we reported to the school. We have to homeschool our kid. I agree with ant banks, the parents of the bully should be held accoutable and the bully should be punished. Parents can not sit right beside their kids in the school and we trusted the school to provide our kids safe environment. So teachers are not only teaching but watching after our kids.
Another teacher
April 21st, 2009
11:09 am
As a really skinny kid, I was ridiculed beyond belief. I definitely contemplated suicide and had even planned it. At 12 years old, I didn’t see any way out. When I told my parents of the unmerciful bullying, they told me to let it roll off my back like “water off a duck’s back”. They were EXTREMELY none confrontational. As for the teachers, when I told them, they told me to stop “tattle-tailing”. One said this in front of the class, which gave the other students free reign to continue. What saved me was an observant cousin who wondered why my bubbly personality had disappeared. She stuck to me like glue and even came over to my house 3 or 4 times a week. She wouldn’t leave me alone, and eventually, I told her what had happened.
I am a middle school teacher because of how I was treated. I am the teacher I wished I could have had when I was bullied. I tell students at the beginning of the school year that there are 3 things that I will not tolerate in my class. Bullying, lying and cursing. I have been vigilant in my duties because I could have been this child. I had it planned out completely.
The bullies and the children they victimize need counseling. It is a shame that the teachers and administration in this situation dropped the ball. Teasing is not a way to “toughen up” a child. Just because you survived it does not mean that everyone else will.
My heart goes out to this family, but I hope that other families will pay close attention to their children. Parents, the kids need you to fight for them. Parents have more authority than teachers and if your child says he or she is being bullied, make noise. Go to the school everyday. If you can’t, call. Make a pest of yourself until something is done about the situation. Teachers can only do so much, but you have power. Use it.
Hadessah Israel
April 21st, 2009
11:11 am
To Realistic Teacher, I am the proud parent of a 15 year son who is in all accelerated classes; making 100% most classes per his progress report dated 04/15/2009 and has been employed since he was 14. I have attended his parent teacher conferences and we discuss his day on a daily basis. Yet, he was bullied on a daily basis at Miller Grove Middle School and the school administration did absolutely nothing. When he defended himself after being followed to his bus and attacked by another student who happened to be a car rider, he was suspended because of the zero tolerance policy; the victim was disceplined for defending himself. The teachers and administration in South Dekalb Schools need to address this issue and put a plan in action that will stop/curtail this type of behavior. Now, back to you, how heartless are you to blame the victims parents; you are just as bad as the bullies. I pray that you never teach my child.
@ Realistic
April 21st, 2009
11:13 am
Do you really think you are realistic? A child spends up to 8 hours a day, 5 days a week at school. They are home for maybe 4 hours each day before bedtime. The school is responsible for the students’ well-being while they are there. Parents cannot follow their children to school everyday and sit in class with them. This family asked many times what was going on in school, and the child was scared to death to tell them what was going on for fear of reprisal. Every child in school is there to get an education. If the bullies are using this time to intimidate or hurt others, they don’t need to be in school. They need to be in juvie. If you are the type of teachers that are in our school system these days, we’re in bigger trouble than I thought we were. You are a heartless, uncaring, mean check-collector.
Pamela
April 21st, 2009
11:20 am
I think that other children that see these children being bullied should step in and step up and speak for the child that is being bullied and NOT just stand or sit there saying absolutely nothing. When I was growing up and saw other children being bullied, there was no way I was able to just sit there and NOT SAY OR DO anything..I used to ALWAYS take up for them. Espcially if someone bullied my sister..that was OUT..I used to fight for her. I was no bigger than a hot minute is long, but I stood up to these big bullies and you know what? They knew better than to bully anyone especially my sister in my presence. So all children should stand up to these bullies!
My Son do not allow anyone to get bullied in his presence. He has always been this way. The only way he would allow somone to get bullied if they are always bullying other people..other than that he speaks up for the weaker child that is being bullied. I really believe that all children should stand up for the children that are being bullied and that way I guarantee you that bullying will stop!
Parents that breed these bullying children know that their children are really bad..it’s no suprise to them..
It also stated in this story that the little boy’s best friend was told by the little boy that he would kill himself…I think in that case that child should have made the school principal aware of this situation immediately and that school principal should have made it their business to go directly to the childs home and talk to the parents about this…A lot can and should be done. I am totally against homosexuality, however my child do not bully any children if he thinks they are gay because he knows that it’s their personal choice if they choose to be that way.
Cammi317
April 21st, 2009
11:23 am
This is so very sad, and becoming more and more common. My 11 y/o niece’s classmate in Chicago committed suicide back in February due to bullying. Two weeks before, another 11 y/o student in Southern Illinois hung himself. My niece’s principal told my sister that she should be proud because my niece was one of about 3 students who made it a point to say something positive to the girl each day because she was basically shunned by the student body. These children attend a charter school and have been going to school together since kindergarten. They called her fat, told her she stunk, etc. Despite the tormenting, academically she was very good. Just as this child, she hung herself in her closet. This school year, my daughter has had a problem with a couple of boys teasing her about her weight. It really took a toll on her emotionally, because her weight is related to a disease and she really does quite a bit to try to control her weight gain. She is also extremely tall for her age and she does stand up for herself, but it is emotionally draining. She also felt that the teachers and administration were not doing much to stop it. She reached her wits end back in February and had a complete emotional meltdown. The very day that she started counseling, my niece’s classmate committed suicide that evening. I AM NOT GOING TO LET THIS HAPPEN TO MY CHILD. Since this time, the principal has stepped in and I as well as others have noticed a dramatic improvement in the overall school environment. It warms my heart now when I pick her up and ask her how her day went and she tells me “it was good, Mommy”.
free
April 21st, 2009
11:24 am
@realistic:
- 24-8 means 16 hours a day at home. If half the waking hours are spent with a teacher, then half is available to spend with a parent. Let me put this another way: 8 hours EACH for teacher, parent, and sleep.
- Teacher time = 40 hours a week. Parent time = 128 hours a week. So what does that tell you?
deidre_NC
April 21st, 2009
11:26 am
clemson.edu/olweus
there is the link to the site about bully prevention..i havent read it yet just wanted to post it in case no one else has yet. this story made me cry-not an easy feat. i have never been an opponent for censorship or whatever…but have any of yall watched tv lately? it is filled with bullying and made to be funny-it is NOT funny-kids are not taught respect-or consideration…well probably some are–mine were-but really lots of kids arent. its all about me and all for myself anymore. it makes me sick. i would have kicked my kids butts hard if i ever knew they were being mean to anyone. i dont care who ir is or why-and the same for any name calling. it was a ‘thing’ at one point to call each otehr faggot-(the kids not me) and i nipped that in the bud. then their was a kid the other kids called jewboy-ong i flew all in a rage over that one. the kid wasnt even jewish and it really was innocent-my daughter didnt even know it was a not nive thing to say until i explained it to her-she was mortified-she is totally unracist and unpredugiced-she got that stopped-actually i live in a place where theres really not a lot of stuff like that…a real small community-and everyone likes or doesnt like whoever because of the way they are not what they are. i think that these kids should be held responsible-not sure h ow–they are 11 after all..but something should be done to the ones this dead child complained about. i cant imagine this family’s grief over this boys horrible death. to be so hopeless at that age is just oo sad and tragic. i know even bac in the day when i was young bullying happend-but it wasnt nearly as intense-and it may consist of being called fat or something-not many kids even knew the terms these kids know these days…and yes they may learn some at home–but i guarantee the majority of it is learned from tv and movies. and in my opinion there is so mich less ‘religion’ and morality taught to kids anymore…it just makes me sick. i am just too distraught over this-please excuse my rambling and typos!!
Kym aka Southern Girl (Gal)
April 21st, 2009
11:26 am
Storm- I understand you are not raising a pansy and I understand self-defense I teach my own child that..but I also know that we are no longer in the day of back yard fights. Also, the schools have no problem suspending or expelling both kids in a fight. If it happens once, the parent should be at the school to address it. Don’t wait. Contact the bullies parent. If they or the school do nothing. Let them know that if this behavior continues and goes uncheck you have the right to file charges against the child and parent.
Bullies bully not because no on stands up to them, it is because no one is there on either side offering them guidance. I am not of the peace and love school of thought by any means, I know there are just evil kids who are beyond help. But I also know there are some kids who if you look deeper there is more going on. Schools can’t do it alone, and parents can’t do it alone. Dekalb Co’s motto at least when I was a student, was the school cannot live apart from the community. Well it seems like the school and the community have filed for divorce. Everyone is placing blame and no one is looking for solutions. Dekalb had a forum on bullying and few months back. I think it should be mandatory for parents and teachers to attend. I think kids should know exactly what is going to happen the first time they are found bullying and the punishment should be consistent throughout the state. Parents should be held accountable for their child’s behavior, I know I did when my son was disrupting others learning.
Another teacher
April 21st, 2009
11:26 am
This is directed towards Realistic Teacher:
We spend more “waking” hours with our students than their parents. We are their “parents” while they are with us. No child should ever be held accountable for their parents attending or not attending parent-teacher conferences. I don’t care if you never see the child’s parents, your first duty is to take care of that child. I consider all of “my students” as “my future”. I have to. I don’t know what they will become, but for the 180 days with me, they are praised and scolded and treated just like I would want someone to treat my child. …with the utmost respect. Even if they don’t return it, I still give them respect. I have been teaching for 13 years, and the students who disrespected me, even when I was attempting to teach them have come up to me and apologized. Children grow up. It is up to parents and teacher to work together to do what we can, but if the parent is not there, the child should be your utmost concern. Honestly, I wouldn’t want you to teach my child. You frighten me.
Been There
April 21st, 2009
11:29 am
@ kevin, reducing pay for teachers is not going to help anyone. if anything it will create even more apathy. like it or not, it’s up to the parents to deal with this issue- not the schools alone.
@ ayana, those are good things to do and will probably go a long way in helping your children. just be aware that the kids may also tease your children because they think you’re too overprotective.
i was bullied when i was in junior high (well over a decade ago)and barely survived. I too attempted suicide and was saved by my brother who came into the room and stopped me. When Columbine happened, several years after I graduated high school, I felt more sympathy for the shooters than the so-called victims.
the bullies in my case were the “preppy” kids who felt they were better than everyone else. plus i was overweight and had a handicap that they felt they were entitled to make fun of.
how did i get through? I couldn’t say for sure. I know that being born-again was a big part of it. i had Someone to take my pain to, who wasn’t judgemental or too busy. It didn’t get easier overnight, but little by little either my classmates started to let up or I started to handle it better. Probably a little bit of both.
I think that its not only the bullies who need to be disciplined and taught better, but also the “victims” need to be taught how to handle the issue as well. i didn’t deserve all the garbage that was handed to me by the bullies, but my reactions to it didn’t help the situation either. teaching kids to react with dignity and humor will also help them throughout the rest of their lives. even as adults, there will still be times we need to call up on these inner resources.
The problem with most solutions that are being proposed is that they are “knee-jerk” reactions and not getting to the root of the issue. That is, that discipline is no longer allowed and kids are able to get away with murder (unfortunately, that is now a literal statement). Parents don’t know what their kids are doing and don’t seem to care. Of course, I don’t mean every parent, but it appears to be the vast majority. Suing the school systems won’t do any good- that’s why they don’t enforce discipline now- they’re afraid to be sued. Until school systems are willing to stand up to the teachers unions and the apathetic parents, nothing will change.
vjones
April 21st, 2009
11:31 am
I am 50 years young and I can vividly remember being buiiled becuase I was “light skinned, had long hair, hazel/blue eyees,”. For this I was ridiculed and teased daily. It left a big emotional scar on me. However, with the help of the Lord, I am over it, because now I understand it. Black kids called me “white”, “yellow”, and anything else they could. It took me years to realize that dark skinned, short hair, long mouthed black folks was jealous of my looks.
Say what you want now. I don’t even care. Yes, I still look like alight skinned super model and proud of it. However, when a child is teased they do not have the emotional skills to deal with REJECTION.
It is up to parents to see and recognize that their child is being bullied/abused at school and take immediate action. Such as complaining to school and documenting it. If it does not stop, remove the child from the school and the abuse untill you get a handle on what is going on.
Often times the abuse is fuled by one ot two students who have an issue witha a child, not the whole school. But children can be very cruel and predatory in nature. Why? Because so many children in our public schools come from so many disfunctional backgrounds. Some are from abusive households, and violent households. They are used to seeing and hearing people be put down, and often humiliated. As we know children mirror our behavior.
Some children who are being abused/bullied in their homes will turn around, and do to your child the same thing that is being done to them at home.
Last, be alert to your childs behavior such as, withdrawn, complaining of being bullied, not eating, very quiet. These could be signs of abuse of somekind.
Shame on your folks at this childs school who overlooked this childs
pain. But I would sue the school. Yes, sue. Make the school pay for your childs death due to their neglect.
Thank you
VJones
Palmetto Georgia
April 21st, 2009
11:31 am
The school policy has zero tolerance for fighting. Even if you are defending yourself you still face suspension.
I agree with the Realistic Teacher but I need to advise you that there are some parents who absolutely can not take time from their jobs for fear of being fired. Most parents work quite a distance from the school and can not be there for lunch. I would suggest that they find a family member, friend or someone that can represent them on behalf of their child or children.
NEED4ACTION
April 21st, 2009
11:33 am
EXPEL THE BULLYS FROM THE COUNTY FOR LIFE AND SEND THEM TO BOOTCAMP. AFTER THEY HAVE BEEN EXPELLED THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN RE-ENTER THE SCHOOL SYSTEM IS THROUGH HOME SCHOOLING…..WE NEED SOME SERIOUS REFORMATION OF THE POLICIES IN PLACE AND WE CAN HAVE KIDS KILLING THEMSELVES OVER A BULLY MOCKING AND TEASING KIDS. WE NEED ACTION NOW!!
Lance
April 21st, 2009
11:36 am
Cultivating Respect from PFLAG is a program designed to help parents take an active role in stopping bullying in their schools: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=1011
DB
April 21st, 2009
11:37 am
JJ – yes, private schools have bullies, too. But they have a LOT more freedom to deal with them, and they don’t last very long, because parents have a lot more power to impact policy in a private school. At our school, there was this one kid who picked a victim every year, and in 5th grade, it was my son. This kid had a lot of anger. I documented the incidents (stealing eyeglasses and tossing them in the grass, knocking books out of arms as they walked by, teasing, physical pushing and shoving, etc.) and had several regular conferences that would solve the problem for a few days, and then it would pick up again. The parent was a large contributor to the school, which I discovered when, in the course of the conferences, it came out that it was becoming increasingly hard to place this kid in a class because of past victim’s families who had requested that this kid never be in the same class with their child because of other incidents. Finally, about mid-year, an incident occurred where my son ended up with a mild concussion when this kid went ballistic over something that had nothing to do with my son. I waited a day to see how the school was going to handle it, and when I discovered that detention was the only thing suggested (and the parent talked the administration out of that!), then *I* went ballistic. I marched in and made it very clear that my next phone call was to the police to report this kid for assault and battery, and would name the school as an accessory for child endangerment. A couple of conferences later, the kid was suddenly being suspended for a week, which set him off with suicide threats, etc. He was finally moved to another school that specialized in dealing with emotionally disabled kids. I felt sorry for the parents — they have other children who are delightful — but my sympathy stopped just a hair short of my kid’s skull. The parents never spoke to me again, as if it were my fault that their kid was a nutcase.
My profound sympathies are with the parents of the child who committed suicide over his treatment.
MrKnowGood
April 21st, 2009
11:42 am
As a new parent, this is frightening. 11 year old kids should not be subjected to this kind of treatment! To all of the posters who say the solution is to sue the school…that simply won’t work. Bulling has been around a very long time, and suing the school system will only result in more “lame-brained” policies. What will work (as other posters have said) is to hold the bullying CHILD AND THEIR PARENTS ACCOUNTABLE.
Having been raised on military bases, it was well known that if you messed up in school, the school would call your parents. If that didn’t work, the school would call your military parent’s commanding officer. And if that didn’t work, they would keep going up to chain of command until someone put a foot up your and your parent’s behind.
Now, of course, that isn’t possible outside of the military, but how about adding a really stiff fee to the electric bill (renter), or an increase in property taxes (homeowner). I’m willing to bet that after paying out money for Jr’s “behavior problem”, all of those uninvolved, “not my child” parents would be happy to put a foot in their kid’s behind.
@ Realistic
April 21st, 2009
11:43 am
16 hours a day at home -1 or 2 hours on a school bus, plus 8-10 hours sleeping leaves only 4-5 WAKING hours at home…but love your math.
A Mom
April 21st, 2009
11:43 am
To JJ- yes there is bullying in Private schools. They just have the option to KICK OUT bullies and thankfully they do. That’s all most of us are asking for. There will always be bullies in life but when you are an adult you have a choice to be around them or not. As a child you don’t have a choice and bullies should be removed.
@ Realistic
April 21st, 2009
11:48 am
Try again…16 hours at home? Minus 1-2 hours on buses or in transit and 8-10 hours sleeping leaves all of 4-5 WAKING hours. But nice try.
James
April 21st, 2009
11:50 am
This is happening way too often. In Massachusetts another bullied 11 year old hung himself two weeks ago. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/MindMoodNews/story?id=7328091&page=1
cha
April 21st, 2009
11:56 am
My youngest daughter was bullied by three older students. What did the school do? Arrested her(without noyifiying parents), a week suspension and a juvie record ( she supposedly assulted them when they surrounded her and she bumped one of them to get away) and carrying a weapon (a plastic disposible razor). She dropped out and got a GED. Our public schools are broken and the over paid administrators don’t care because they get bonus’s to send their own kids to private schools.
Rene
April 21st, 2009
11:57 am
You know, this is not only sad but disturbing. My son had a similar situation in school. A particular young man (the school knew this person really well) bullied my son on and off during an entire semester. He would walk behind my son, get close enough to him to whisper threats in his ear and run off. He started a fight with my son right in front of one of the teachers. The teacher tried to pull the young may off my son, but to no avail. He eventually had to get the resource officer. Both students were suspended; my son because he fought back. Can you believe that. He defended himself but was suspended. As a parent I know how devastating this can be for your child. After this young man continued with the bullying, my son did speak to a couple of teachers who had found out about this from other students and they took my son to an administrator and called me in for consultation. I met with the school’s administrator and asked for a parent to parent meeting with the young’s man’s parents. I was told that the school could not arrange such a meeting but I could press charges through the local county police department. Needless to say they gave me the run around.
When my employer imposed furlough days (twice a month), I took advantage of that time to spend more time at my son’s school; making myself visible to the young man. I made sure I got permission (yes, you have to get prior approval from the school to visit the classrooms) to visit the school on my furlough days. I also told the school officials that if anything happened to my son I will launch the biggest investigation the state of Georgia, not only Fulton county had ever seen. Apparently, this young man had been bullying others at the school and their families were promising to do the same. After a period of time went by, we were told that the young man was withdrawn from school by his parents. Hopefully, this man will get the help he needs; psychological help because it’s clear he is seriously disturbed.
Parents of the 11 year old I say to you: Launch an investigation and get ready to SUE someone’s butt off. This could have been prevented.
Tigger
April 21st, 2009
12:08 pm
I took my son to karate class for five years. I told him if anyone messed with him to break an arm. One kid did mess with him and got his arm pinned behind him and was turkey-walked out the door. Most of the other kids now know my son is a brown belt and leave him alone. The zero-tolerance no-fighting policy at the schools have really turned the bullies loose. If you fight, you get suspended. This doesn’t matter to a bully who doesn’t care, and turns the ones who do NOT want to get suspended for defending themselves, into doormats.
deidre_NC
April 21st, 2009
12:10 pm
i tyoed a really long post and it never posted..grr
here is the link that someone posted about earlier
http://www.clemson.edu/olweus/
i am distraught that this happened. i cant imagine the parents and family members of this kid–how they muct be feeling. to all of you who blame the kids parents for not knowing-if a kid doesnt want you to know something they will make sure you dont know. and this kid did tell school adults-they should all be fired. and the kids he names (i assume he named the ones) should be punsihed somehow. they are young so im not sure what punishment. i know bullying has been arounf forever-but really its a lot worse-the names kids are called..and really it seems more intense-its just more evil now. i dont know if its learned thru tv-movies-or what…but its awful the things that kids say to each other now. i taught my kids not only to not bully but to take up for those whoa are bullied. it seems that kids-and adults too are all out for themselves anymore-there is no mutual consideration for people..its all about ‘ME ME’ its really sad at the moral decay of our society-some of these kids nowadays are not taught anything about respect or just plain on nicenes…im glad mine are all almost grown-it is a scary world out there for kids these day.
i just cant imagine the pain this family must feel. this is horrible.
Storm
April 21st, 2009
12:10 pm
Lawsuits won’t help either. That’s an absolute waste of time and money.
JJ
April 21st, 2009
12:17 pm
My daughter didn’t get “bullied” but had some hurtful things said to her face, back in elementary school. I confronted the child who said the remarks. I didn’t run to the administrators, or file a lawsuit. I walked right up and spoke to that kid, in front of the teachers and other administrators. I didn’t corner the kid or get nasty, I simply walked over and talked to him and told him I didn’t like the way he was treating my daughter, and how would he like someone to treat him that same way. I believe I opened his eyes. I stood up for my child, and nipped it in the bud.
Never had a problem after that……and as a matter of fact, one of the teachers walked up to me and thanked me for talking to the kid, and not getting ugly or causing a scene……..
free
April 21st, 2009
12:26 pm
@ realistic said “Try again…16 hours at home? Minus 1-2 hours on buses or in transit and 8-10 hours sleeping leaves all of 4-5 WAKING hours. But nice try.”
sorry that’s not TEACHER TIME that’s YOUR TIME whether you use it or not. i guess you can go ahead and include TV time in there also. stop making excuses.
momofabulliedson
April 21st, 2009
12:26 pm
Anna- I am not sure what Henry County School you are talking about. This story hits close to home for me because my son, 11 years old, is a victim and the school hasn’t done to much about it. We finally got him to fight back and my kid got in trouble.
Anyway, I feel so bad for the family of this boy. My prayers got out to you!
Bullying is a cause and effect of the parents of these kids. The parents do it there self or they just dont care. This kids that is bullying my kids has been kicked of the bus 5 times already this year for putting his hands on other kids and his parents still dont have him under control. Believe me, if my kid got kicked off the bus, I would have my kid under control and make sure that didn’t happen again. Some of these parents are just to busy or just dont care. I know several parents that just let there kids do whatever they want as long as they are not bothering them. There are 4 and 5 year old kids in my neighborhood running the street and they’re parents are not where to be found. Just to make it clear, I live in a decent neighborhood, its not the ghetto. I just hope EVERY school pays attention to this and starts taking things seriously. I am so sorry that this family had to lose a precious child because of this. Again, my prayers are with your family.