Crime and punishment in the world of kindergarten
Before my 5-year-old son even has a chance to cross the street after he exits the school bus, he gets the question:
“What did you get?”
He knows exactly what I am referring to. No more explanation needed.
I think Walsh got a "green" on field day.
If he’s had a fantastic, well-behaved day at school he gives me the thumbs up (while trying to balance his back pack, lunch bag and jacket) and yells “GREEN!”
Green is the best thing in the world. Green means no worries and lots of treats. He gets to choose a sweet snack like ice cream. He gets to play on the computer or Wii some during the afternoon. It also means he gets a lot of praise!
If he’s had a bad day and gotten into trouble, he drops his head, pouts his mouth and says softly “I’m sorry. I got a red.”
Red used to mean no sweet treat and no computers. Since he’s gotten so many reds, now red means he also has to go to his room for at least 30 minutes before he can play.
And what if it’s a yellow? That’s when my little lawyer begins his negotiations. “Well it wasn’t red. I should at least get some computer time.” I generally don’t give in, unless I feel extra sorry for him. (A yellow means you just received one warning.)
To his kindergarten class and too many classes across the state, the stoplight colors are the most important signals in the world. The colors immediately indicate to parents how their child’s conduct was at school that day and also let the child know how happy his afternoon will be when he gets home from school.
Loading ...Walsh isn’t beating anyone up or throwing things in class. He’s reading second-grade books and can add and subtract with ease, but he’s just can’t stop talking. It should come as no surprise to anyone who’s read this column that my child would be loquacious. You can’t shut me up for anything.
We are lucky that Walsh has a loving and understanding kindergarten teacher. She doesn’t think his talking is acceptable, and she lets him know that. But she also understands that he is a young 5 (birthday not until late spring) and is still immature. I appreciate that she doesn’t think he’s a “bad” child. She knows he’s just still growing.
Loading ...Every year, we fill out a questionnaire to help the school select our child’s next teacher. It asks on the form what type of environment does your child learn best in and do you have any special concerns about his education?
This year I wrote on the form that this is a little boy who likes to talk a lot and he needs a teacher with a plan. I don’t want his little personality squashed but we need someone firm who can give him scary enough consequences that he controls himself. I wrote he’s charming and outgoing. He will probably be a governor or president later in life, but for now his friendliness is going to make the next few years hard.
I hope he matures some this summer and will be able to control his talking more in the first grade. I also hope he gets to go to that darn treasure box more often.
How does your school let your know your child’s conduct for the day? Do you like the green, yellow, red system? Are there any behavior issues you’re hoping your child will mature out of?
You can reach Theresa at ajcmomania@gmail.com. Comments, questions and issues for the community are welcome.
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95 comments Add your comment
jmb
March 30th, 2009
4:16 pm
Nurse & mother, she shouldn’t have loaned her the sweater. My point to this theory is that loaning items of value is like doing business with family. You just don’t hand someone something you cherish and expect them to handle it with care the way that you would.
Theresa Walsh Giarrusso
March 30th, 2009
4:16 pm
I had a friend in New York who went to the Miss Porters School for Girl (which is where Jackie O went.) I used to give her a hard time about what did they cover there that Parkview didn’t cover. I believe, if I remember correctly, she got thrown out for getting caught in bed with a boy. Maybe that was her earlier boarding school. At any rate, we used to get a hoot out of the finishing school.
I’m all about praising and thanking for opening doors and help in general.
On the cell phone — we were just talking about that last week. Our babysitter dropped hers in the baby’s bath water and I wasn’t sure if that was my responsibility.
On choosing a teacher — they won’t let you name a teacher that you want but they really do want your input and the current teacher’s input and they do not use a computer to put their rolls together. They are hand-matching classes, which I really do appreciate. I feel like they are trying to make an effort to pair your child with a teacher that matches in learning style and personality.
Becky
March 30th, 2009
4:17 pm
MJG, I loved your last couple of paragraphs..If I get rude service from someone at a restaurant or business, I just look at them sand say “you don’t get paid for your personality now do you?” It used to embrassas (sp) my coworker, but after 10 years, she’s gotten used to it..As for others, my grandson (6) will open the door for people when we are going in places, then ask me why people don’t say thank you..And as soemone else pointed out, it’s usually adults..
DB
March 30th, 2009
4:54 pm
JJ, please don’t condemn an entire school just because of one snotty princess. Most of the businesses around that particular school appreciate the kids that go there, because they tend to be “yes, m’am” and “no, sir”, tend to treat staff politely, and they don’t worry about them shoplifting. Manners are stressed throughout the school from K on up, with detentions for things that most public schools would sneer at. Frankly, if someone from the school administration happens to read your note, you can bet it’s going to be a topic of discussion at some point during the week. A private school has more freedom to enforce a certain degree of civility on the students, but as with any school — not everyone student gets the message every time.
On the other hand . . . sometimes you have to figure that it’s not your job to teach the entire world manners. That “it takes a village” concept only works if you know the person who is assuming authority over you, and know that that person has the ability to inflict consequences. Yeah, it’s nice to be acknowledged, but sometimes, you just have to be the graceful example, and hope others learn from it without beating them over the head with it. It’s the same thing I am trying to teach my daughter as she is a young driver, to keep her sense of indignation in check — it’s easy to get mad at drivers who do dumb, unmannerly things such a failing to signal, etc. However, it doesn’t help her as a driver to yell at them or honk the horn, etc., because, inevitably, when she does something dumb in the car (and don’t we all at some point?), she’s going to hope people are a little forgiving and less judgemental than she is :-)
Nurse&mother
March 30th, 2009
5:33 pm
JMB- I do agree with you on the loaning thing. I do not loan things that are very valuable (monetary or sentimental). **BUT** let’s say for example, the damage is already done (like in JJ’s case). If your daughter was the friend who had ran over the cell phone, would you honestly think that JJ and her daughter are responsible for the phone? Would you really NOT offer to pay for the phone? IMHO, it doesn’t matter that JJ’s daughter made a poor decision to loan her friend the phone. The friend STILL did not take care of the loaned item. Period. Her friend should replace the phone.
I have a cousin/friend who borrowed a black maternity sweater from another friend many years ago. My friend was not thinking and was using bleach to clean up a spill and accidently spilled bleach on the sweater. She actually asked me what she should do about the sweater!!!! Duh!! Either offer to buy one as close to the original as you can get OR give her the money to replace it. Not rocket science, people.
Nurse&mother
March 30th, 2009
5:45 pm
I would completely agree with you, DB, if the parents of today would step up to the plate and discipline/correct children. Today’s children (generally speaking) typically think that life owe’s them something and seem to have little regard for anyone else. Morals seem to be spiraling downward.
I can certainly remember as a young child getting the evil eye from an adult once or twice. It certainly had an impact on me.
JJ
March 30th, 2009
6:05 pm
DB – I wont let the actions of one speak for an entire school. :) I work in the area too and I have seen other kids far better behaved than that one particular child. Weslyan IS a wonderful school.
deidre_NC
March 30th, 2009
7:17 pm
JJ im with you!! 2 more months and NO MORE SCHOOL!!! well college but that has to be better and different!! and yes- my daughters kindegarten teacher was i decided lazy-she just didnt want to be bothered with having to challenge a kid. but its all good now-she will be in colleg next year and ha done extremely well thoughout her entire shool career so far…
deidre_NC
March 30th, 2009
7:29 pm
theresa i would be wondering why the babysitter was using her phone when giving the kid a bath.,and no its not your place topay for it..
motherjanegoose
March 30th, 2009
8:07 pm
While one person cannot change the actions of our entire society, I am REALLY WORRIED about the lack of manners I tend to observe in both adults and children.
I actually compliment parents whose children are behaving nicely, in public. I know this positive behavior took a lot of effort on the part of the parents and I hope it feels good to hear someone tell you that you are doing a good job and that you have nicely behaved children. Everyone thinks their own children are grand but when a total stranger comes up to you and tells you what fine children you have….it is an awesome day.
If this has ever happened to you, you know what I mean. If this had NEVER happened to you, then you may need to think about it.
Selfish adults breed selfish children. Your children will model the traits they observe. Yes, my daughter especially likes to talk and she comes by it honestly but she knows when to zip it up.
When my son was four, he could read and his Pre-K teacher told me that she would sit him farther away from the books as sometimes she would ad lib ( while reading to the class) and he would let her know when she missed a few lines. He was the only one reading in the class and I thought it was clever how she solved it.
I generally try to take a “work with the teacher” approach and not work against. There have been a FEW exceptions!
The truth is that many teachers have such a bucket full of behavior issues that they cannot focus on the kind and intelligent children as there is simply no time.
Here is where I am REALLY going to catch flack….
Teachers who have students who cannot speak and understand English cannot proceed with group appropriate instruction at a defined pace.
I am ALL about giving children an opportunity for foreign language but children need to be able to communicate proficiently in the language they will be learning how to read in, with success. If you plan to instruct them to read in English, then they need to be able to speak English.
Can ANY Kindergarten teacher work in the classroom with children who speak 4-5 different languages and keep them all on track? It would be someone who is LIGHT YEARS ahead of me. Hats off to you!
Nurse&mother
March 30th, 2009
10:28 pm
MotherJaneGoose- I hear you about the children who cannot speak English. I live in extreme north Georgia. We have tons of legal and illegal immigrants up here. I am not racist, but I do have a problem with the teacher having to spend more time on those children who can’t speak the language. If you’re coming to America **speak the language**. It shouldn’t be our responsibility to teach your child how to speak English. I don’t expect France to speak English to me if/when I visit. I really wouldn’t expect the French to teach my children the language.
Alright, can anyone tell I’m a little hormonal today?? So sorry. I havent’ gotten much sleep the last few nights either. BAD combination.
JJ
March 31st, 2009
7:47 am
Diedre, where is your child going to college? We are having so much fun going around and looking at campuses. My world is going to be so different in less than 6 months, so is her’s…..I’m excited for both of us.
I wish you luck!!!!
JJ
March 31st, 2009
7:47 am
Diedre, I’m excited for you and your child too. A whole new adventure for us and them. I keep telling my daughter, “Turn the page, you are starting a new chapter in your life”.
I didn’t mean to leave you out..:)
Kathy
March 31st, 2009
8:51 am
Okay I have to hijack for a second……does anyone read Jodi Picoult? I just finished her brand new book, Handle With Care. All you regulars (and anyone else) PLEASE read this book!!! It is so incredibly good. I have re-read parts because it is so beautifully written. I could go on and on, but I won’t…..just read it. It is long, but you won’t be able to put it down!!!!
motherjanegoose
March 31st, 2009
9:01 am
Kathy….I will try to pick up the book and get back with you…I am always good for a new author.
Yes parents, when your child heads off to college it is a brand new world! My daughter will be a senior next year and her brother is 21, so I know how quickly the time passes and how exciting it is.
JJ
March 31st, 2009
9:24 am
Kathy, I haven’t read that, but have you read “Nineteen Minutes” by the same author? I couldn’t put it down. It’s about a high school shooting, and it was SO good. I was stunned by the ending!!!!!
That one really made me wonder, do I know my daughter as well as I think I do???? I highly recommend this book….
sd
March 31st, 2009
9:30 am
I am very blessed in this department. My son behaves incredibly well at school. His Kindergarten class has a 4 tier system as well. He lost one tier one time and was inconsolable that night. Wanted to quit school. I don’t have to punish him because he is so hard on himself about behavior. He wants to be perfect.
I didn’t teach any of that to him. He is just very competitive on his own. Wants to be the best behaved. The best reader. The best in math. He got the second highest score on an addition test this week. I told him it was good, but he was upset that a girl had beaten him.
Kathy
March 31st, 2009
11:38 am
JJ…yes I have read that one and every other book Picoult has written. I have loved every single one. She is hands down my favorite author. Every book she writes I think, “OH this is my favorite” and then another comes along that is even better. If you have not read the others, I highly recommend all of them!!!
DB
March 31st, 2009
12:02 pm
My daughter (who, along with JJ’s and dierdre’s, is also graduating this year, and got her much-hoped-for-acceptance from her #1 school on Friday! hooray! Life is good! :-D) LOVES Jodi Picoult. I’ve read a few of them – I can put them down — but I’m not as big a fan as my daughter, who will stay up all night to finish one.
nurse&mother, the reason the “evil eye” worked on you is because your parents had probably bestowed a few of them on you before that, and you knew what it meant! My son tells a story about holding a door open for a woman, and was a little taken aback when she refused to go through the door and told him, in no uncertain terms and with an evil eye of her own, “I don’t want you behind me, I want you where I can keep an eye on you!” He was completely flumoxed since he a) didn’t know the lady, and b) is probably the most clean-cut kid you’ll ever see even out of school. He was speechless and trying to figure out what on earth he had done to scare the woman — we figured that she had probably been mugged at some point and was just a little obsessive about keeping people in line-of-sight!
TeeinCSG
March 31st, 2009
12:04 pm
My oldest will be starting Kindergarten in the fall. I’ll be sure to ask about such a system.
I have a talker as well and would hate for her to be stressed over colors for behavior.
Currently, in pre-K, she’s pretty good with her behavior and the teachers only have to tell her to chill with the chatter occasionally and she stops.
if she’s really over the top, phone call to Mama and my presence within the half-hour usually does the trick (LOL).
I understand there’s a time and place, but gosh, Kindergarten? let ‘em be kids and we as parents should also stress that importance to them (time and place) at home so when they get to the higher grades, it’s ingrained.
JJ
March 31st, 2009
12:13 pm
DB – where is your’s going? I think mine is headed to Middle Georgia. We also looked at Southern, that’s her second choice……
I completed the FAFSA form, and was told we don’t qualify for the Pell Grant. WHAT?????? I was so hoping, that as a single parent, we would have gotten some of that. It wasn’t really explained but according to my EFC number and their calculations, we were unable to get the Pell……
Michelle
March 31st, 2009
12:14 pm
Theresa…I cannot get onto today’s blog about circumcision! I see there are comments, but I can’t get it to open!
JJ
March 31st, 2009
12:15 pm
Kathy, I didn’t like My Sisters Keeper at all. I had a real hard time with that one, cried through most of it. I almost didn’t read anything else she wrote after that, but my mom convinced me to read Nineteen Minutes.
Nurse&mother
March 31st, 2009
12:33 pm
Wow, DB. That is a very strange reaction from the stranger/lady.
motherjanegoose
March 31st, 2009
2:51 pm
JJ…I just walked in and want to welcome you to the world of not getting any money at all.
We do not make oodles but we have scrimped and saved and thus it looks like we have enough money to pay. Kinda like those who bit off a big mortgage and now are getting help because they cannot pay for it while we buckled down and whittled ours down to just over 8 years now.
My husband drives a car with over 100,000 miles on it. I cannot figure out how they decide who gets money but I do know that if you go to a more expensive school vs state school, your chances of getting money are stronger.
JJ
March 31st, 2009
3:32 pm
MotherJane, I know. Those of us who work hard, take care of responsibility, live within their means, don’t get rewarded…..but if I were on welfare, not working, mooching off the government, etc. I’m sure I’d be first in line……
I too drive a 10 year old car, with about 145,000 miles on it (Paid for). My mortgage is affordable, and I’ve had it for over 6 years now. The house is close to 20 years old……and I have no credit card debt.
Apparently I have too much in my 401(k). So I got penalized for that. Oh well, my mom has a 529 for all three grandkids, so that will at least get her through the first year. Man this college stuff is spendy!!!! We’re talking about $10,000 a year at a SMALL college outside Macon…..
DB
March 31st, 2009
4:12 pm
N&M, yeah, he thought it was a bizarre reaction, too. You can’t win for losing, sometimes!
JJ, she’s off to UGa. There’s only two schools in the state that have the program she’s interested in majoring in, and the other one was too small for her tastes. She had an out-of-state school lined up, just in case, but UGa has been her goal since she was in 5th grade. MJG is right — my son had all sorts of money thrown at him at couple of years ago, with grants and waivers, it ended up being cheaper for him to go out-of-state than it was to stay in-state. Perplexing! Anyway we look at it, it’s cheaper than private school tuition, so with HOPE and a departmental scholarship, we feel like Christmas has come early. Now it’s up to her to keep that 3.0 . . .
I always thought it was pretty low that a 401K was held against you — I mean, if your daughter was emancipated and had no visible means of support, she’d probably qualify for dozens of grants and waivers, and if you take money out of the 401K, you’re going to be hit with penalties, etc.
fk
March 31st, 2009
6:57 pm
Congrats to JJ, Deidre & DB’s soon-to-be high school grads! Time is passing much too quickly for me. My son is also graduating. He’s going to GA Tech. The only financial aid we’re getting is HOPE.
I’ve read some Jodi Picoult, too. I can put her books down. I did enjoy her book about the Amish. I forget another title, but the book was about teenage suicide. I put it down and never picked up again. I prefer to read books with some suspense and humor.
motherjanegoose
March 31st, 2009
7:31 pm
DB congrats to you! UGA is NOT easy to get into. I know may whose children wanted to go to UGA. My son loves it there but who knows if my daughter will get in.
Congratulations to all of the parents who have done a fine job with their children and will now be bawling their heads off at commencement. It does not seem that long ago that those children were waving goodbye on their way to Kindergarten. I am enjoying ( for the most part) my last year os so with my daughter and will take her to NYC next week….just us girls!
JJ
April 1st, 2009
7:44 am
Congrats to all our high school graduates……I’ve never worked harder in my life, than getting my child out of high school….but well worth every minute!!!!!
I will all our children MUCH success!!!! Not just the ones graduating this year, but ALL of our children!!!
JJ
April 1st, 2009
8:44 am
Is anyone else having trouble getting into the last two blog topics? For some reason I can’t get into them. I mean to post a comment. All I get is the topic, and that’s it…….
MomsRule
April 1st, 2009
8:48 am
I haven’t been able to access the last two blog topics either.
Becky
April 1st, 2009
10:02 am
Congrats to all the kids that are starting college..Hope all goes well with y’all in your future..To all the parents, bless y’all for doing such great jobs with your children..
I haven’t been able to get on the last two blog topics either..I just thought is was something that I wasn’t able to get into because of a glitch with my computer..
Georgia Girl
April 1st, 2009
11:02 am
I cannot access today’s or yesterday’s blogs either. Guess I’m glad to hear it’s not just me!
Nurse&mother
April 1st, 2009
11:19 am
Ditto to those that are talking about not being able to access the blog the last two days. I’ve tried and tried, thinking it was just me.
jct
April 1st, 2009
11:39 am
I can not access the past two days either. On today’s topic, stepson must call all adults sir or ma’am. We are old school. It’s more about respect and that adults should be treated differently.
I still sir and ma’am my elders.
JJ
April 1st, 2009
12:24 pm
I’m old school when it comes to respect, but we don’t ma’am and sir in my family. I had a friend back when I was younger, who ma’am and sir’d her parents and I thought it was cool. When I tried to do it to my parents, they pitched a fit, and did NOT want to be called ma’am and/or sir by their children. …Every so often I do Carol Burnett’s Eunice and call my mom “Old Lady”…..but she knows I’m joking..
Becky
April 1st, 2009
12:34 pm
Our family isn’t that big on the ma’am & sir as it is just on basic politness(sp). The kids know that they cannot say “yep” or “whatever” to an adults..I don’t have a problem with the kids answering a person with a simple yes or no, as long as it’s not spoken in an ugly manner..
I do have a question though. I have a coworker that thinks it’s rude that when talking to an aunt or uncle in my family, we address them as Aunt JJ or Uncle Lakerat..We just always call them by their first name & that’s it..Is this a big issue for others?
JJ
April 1st, 2009
1:08 pm
I’m Auntie (or Aunt Mooey, the little one had a hard time pronouncing my name when she was a baby) to my nieces, and my ex sister in law is Auntie to my daughter…..She calls my brother Uncley…
MomsRule
April 1st, 2009
2:10 pm
I grew up calling Aunts and Uncles “Aunt First Name” and “Uncle First Name”. IMO it isn’t rude.
Re the sir and ma’am. I think its geographical. I grew up in the mid-west. No one I knew used these phrases. My husband grew up in New England and they did not use sir or ma’am either. I wasn’t exposed to it in great abundance until moving to GA. All of my Southern friends and their children use sir and ma’am.
One of my boys uses these phrases but they were learned from his peers not at home.
Becky, what does your co-worker think should be used when speaking with aunts and uncles?
Becky
April 1st, 2009
2:44 pm
OOPS..Momsrule, I just reread my post..I left out the word don’t in the wrong place..In my family, we don’t call them Aunt JJ or Uncle Lakerat..We would just call them JJ or Lakerat..
As for calling my Mom or Dad dude, never.. Because there were so many children (10), grandchildren (15) and great grandchildren in my family, we just all (friends included) called my Mom–Granny..
DB
April 1st, 2009
3:46 pm
I switched from IE to Opera for a browser, and it seemed to work fine. Go figure.
On the blog, I said, and will repeat: M’am and Sir were required, end of discussion! :-) It’s just the way I was raised, and anything else sounds vaguely casual and disrespectful.
When it gets interesting is when you (and your teenage/young adult kids) get older — do you stay “Mrs. Brandon” to their friends? Or do you become “Debra”? I had one friend’s mother who I adored my entire life. When I graduated from college, and was still calling her “Mrs. West”, she laughed and said, “I think you can call me “Laura”, now!” But I couldn’t! It just seemed so — rude! So she was Mrs. West until the day she died.
On the other hand, my first job out of college, I called the receptionist Mrs. Davis for months – she was older than my mother. Finally, at lunch, someone asked me, with her sitting there — “Why do you call her Mrs. Davis? Everyone else calls her Brenda!” I was shocked, and said, “Because she hasn’t ASKED me to call her Brenda!” Someone then asked her what she thought of it, and she smiled and said, “Because, I rather like it.” Everyone was a little taken aback!
I always try to err more on the side of formality. It’s easier to become more casual, and if someone wants to be on a more casual footing, they are quick to tell you. Meanwhile, it’s hard to offend someone by being uber polite!
And, no, my kids wouldn’t dream of referring to their aunts or uncles without the honorary “Aunt” or “Uncle” title in front of their name. That’s not who they are! They are “Aunt Joan”, not “Joan”!
JJ
April 2nd, 2009
8:15 am
DB My daughter’s friends call me Ms. JJ. A select few that I have known since their birth call me by my first name.
catlady
April 4th, 2009
1:25 pm
Most of my children at school call me Ms. Dr. I am not sure why, but it has been like that since I got my Ph.D. I kinda like it. It’s like a super-honorific. I explain they don’t have to use both, just one or the other, but that is how it comes out. (Sometimes with my hearing getting bad it sounds like they say “Witchdoctor”. Hahaha)
Susanna
September 30th, 2009
5:25 pm
Anyone listening please help! I am a Christian mother seeking help with my son in kindergarten. He has only been in school 2.5 weeks and has missed so many classes and snack times it is not funny. He is very inquisitive but not a talker. He is a very loving. tender hearted, thoughtful, and bright child (except letters becasue of his eyes but he’s improving). His teacher doesn’t send home any reports, no red light system, no stickers, yet she called in the middle of the day from her cell phone during class to tell me my son needs to know school is not a play place. He has strabismus, and only sees out one eye. He had surgery the 2nd week of school but still needs therapy to see one object with both eyes. It took me an hour the other night of convincing him it’s ok to practice writing his name, because he said she doesn’t like it so he doesn’t want to write it. Is it just to not give kids a routine snack? I can see maybe no recess but no music or art classes too. Am I just over thinking it here or what? How can I approach her without her getting angry and then taking it out on him. I think she has 2 or 3 kids she considers her “problem children” and over punishes them, in the mean while she neglects to see the behavoir of others. He just turned 5 the month before school started. Please help.