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Two years and no marriage talk?

To some, the idea of marriage and long term commitment is the primary reason they are dating. It’s not the free food or the possibility of sex; it is the chance at finding someone with whom you can build a future! What do you do if there is no “future” discussions at all, though?

One of our readers has been dating someone for nearly two years. They both have stopped seeing other people. They practically live together on weekends. She even met his close friends and some family. So why does she feel as if they are still in their first six months of dating? No talk about the future at all. Either he doesn’t see her in it or he is simply not ready to figure out their lives together. Should she say something now or let him be the one to talk about a future?

Her concern is mainly coming off as a desperate woman dying to get married. She just wants to know they are investing all this time in the relationship for the same reason: marriage.

Do you believe that the marriage topic should come up after two years of dating? If you bring it up, does it put pressure on the relationship?

By Wise Diva

188 comments Add your comment

Lee

May 13th, 2014
7:07 am

Good Morning,
This is silly. You should of told him 2 years ago, or when you knew marriage is what you wanted. No pressure to the relationship if he/she doesn’t want what you want its time to find that person that does.

Things you can do when he tells you no he doesnt want to get married:
Go eat a pint of ben n jerrys ice cream
Go shopping for a new clothes/shoes
Get a new hair style
Get out and be seen
Try some new things in your quest to meet the right one for you
And above all Have fun..

Single and Happy

May 13th, 2014
7:21 am

Hey everyone

“A close mouth never gets feed!!” If it’s what she wants then just ask, because some of do date just for dating with no end in sight.

Button

May 13th, 2014
8:21 am

She’s already practically living with this guy and she’s worried if she will come off desparate? smh. I bet she does a whole lot of stuff for this guy too. She should stop sleeping over and change things up a bit. Throw him off and see how much he really care about her. If a guy isn’t talking about you and him doing xyz in the future then chances are you’re not in it.

She should say something now but I wonder why she didn’t say something a lil earlier. But none the less, her concerns are valid and she should have the talk about her desire for marriage and see what he says. If he overlook her desire then she should follow her dream and wait until she meet someone on the same page. Two years is a heck of a long time to be with someone and not talk about marriage.

I refuse to date a guy for 2 years with no marriage in the forecast. no way jose! Some ppl tend to give too much of themselves when they are dating. If you give them (a man for instances) too much he’ll get comfortable and say to himself “what’s the use” in marrying her. She’s already giving me all I need and want. Food, schex, loving, money, the whole nine.

good morning!

Button

May 13th, 2014
8:24 am

Single – I agree, some do date just for fun for eternity lol but that should be announced rather than say nothing at all. I wouldn’t drive a car with no power steering.

Lali

May 13th, 2014
8:28 am

She needs to speak up, what is she waiting for? She’s making it sound like it’s all his choice and giving him all the control. Does she see him in her future, does she actually want to marry him? If so, she needs to take control of her own life and have the discussion.

My sister and her husband dated for 5 years, he had been carrying the ring around for almost two years but it wasn’t until she had the “hey where is this going” speech that he actually got on his knee and proposed…

hazel

May 13th, 2014
8:44 am

good morning. I’m in the middle on this one. 2 years maybe too early to talk about marriage. Then again, it could be a long time for someone. I waited for well over 2 years and I am so glad I did.
Personally, I don’t think anyone should put a time limit on such serious steps, as things actually don’t workout the way we want. I say this from experience as I had time limits on wanting to be married by 24, kids by 28 etc etc. And none of that happened, but I’m happy with the way they worked out. Had I been on strict time limit rules, who knows what the outcome would have been.

Button

May 13th, 2014
8:48 am

Hazel – age time limits is one thing but dating time limit is a whole nother avenue. Why date someone for that long with no plans for the future whether it’s with the person you’re dating or someone else? It’s just a lot of wasted time specially if you’re giving so much of yourself imo.

hazel

May 13th, 2014
9:09 am

my time limits also had a lot to do with dating. According to my time limits on dating, I should be married after 3 years, but of course it didn’t work out that way. Thank God, I didn’t leave the relationship thinking it would never happen. But I understand limits on age, when someone is up there in age and also the biological clock is ticking away.

hazel

May 13th, 2014
9:12 am

All I’m saying Is “never say never”. Your perfect mate could make you wait for more than your time limit, but you may miss out on that perfect person due to the limitations you created. I say this from my experience and even my sister’s. She waited 5 and I waited 6. Looooong time, I know. I don’t know how I did it.

2CPTG©

May 13th, 2014
9:17 am

she is coming off as desperate to be married (to us, whom she wrote seeking advice).

Button

May 13th, 2014
9:22 am

I’ve heard most guys say ” she’s been hanging in there this long so I might as well marry her” that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Most men have said ” I knew when I saw her for the first time she was the one I’d marry” I don’t see where waiting for years proves anything.

disco

May 13th, 2014
9:26 am

Good morning.

I say if she’s that pressed bring it up but be prepared for the answer she gets or doesn’t get. just because he says the right words doesn’t mean he won’t stretch things out longer. heck, some folks actually get proposals and rings and yet take forever to commit to a wedding date. good luck chick.

Hazel – I was just discussing with a friend last night that all that long term dating and long term engagements are for younger folks. when you reach a certain age you just go for what you know. 3 months from meeting to marriage? so what? – you’re 40/50/60 years old.

2CPTG©

May 13th, 2014
9:33 am

when you reach a certain age you just go for what you know. 3 months from meeting to marriage? so what?

so by NYE you gon’ be ready to do the damn thang, huh?

SlimNu

May 13th, 2014
9:37 am

Good morning gang

2CPTG©

May 13th, 2014
9:41 am

morning, Slim…..your words come off as you’re bright eyed and perky this morning…you having a good one thus far?

disco

May 13th, 2014
9:45 am

2C – generally speaking I’m not the marrying type. doubt that’ll change by NYE. I’m still polling people on the practical perks of relationships. lol.

SlimNu

May 13th, 2014
10:00 am

I don’t know about bright-eyed…but i’m sore as hell….Got back in the gym yesterday. How about yourself???

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 13th, 2014
10:01 am

Morning All!!!

On topic – I was that reader in the past, scared to rock the boat or come off desperate, so I let too much time pass without speaking up. When I finally did, in 2 cases the guy did want to marry, just not me! With one, less than a year after I broke it off with him he married someone else. Lesson learned.

Flash forward – me & my now hubs had talked about it some, but it seemed like he was dragging his feet so I asked when it was going to happen. He had a few questions about some things and I guess I answered them to his liking. That was in October of that year, around our 3 year dating anniversary. He proposed that Christmas eve & the rest is history!

Gotta go to a meeting!

Leggs

May 13th, 2014
10:03 am

“No talk about the future at all. Either he doesn’t see her in it or he is simply not ready to figure out their lives together. Should she say something now or let him be the one to talk about a future?” – Are we being “punked” with these scenarios which given what’s written are easy fixes. Good grief, if she’s feeling uneasy about things, SPEAK UP! A closed mouth don’t get fed. And, just because you met friends and some family members doesn’t mean you on the road to matrimony. Speak chile and let him know what you’re hoping for from this relationship. That’s the only way you’re going to find out if the two of you are actually on the same page. Right now, doesn’t seem like it. He’s closed mouth hoping you don’t say anything after all this time. Ships been sailing rather smoothly, now you want to steer into that buoy up ahead possibly capsizing the boat. Well, do it because it’s time you know who and what you’re working with.

Good morning.

2CPTG©

May 13th, 2014
10:10 am

I’m good actually….awesome that you’re getting back into fitness….that’s whats up!

SlimNu

May 13th, 2014
10:20 am

Did the topic die already? lol

2CPTG©

May 13th, 2014
10:21 am

I won’t say it died, never had life to begin with……we gon’ need Diva to tell these young gals to stop writing in with easy dilemmas, and throw some real stuff at us…

Single and Happy

May 13th, 2014
10:22 am

Button, wouldn’t drive a car without power steering, HUH (LOL) Just make me feel old then, I remember when power steering was extra and not a standard feature (LOL)

Single and Happy

May 13th, 2014
10:24 am

2C what makes you think they are young girls? This couple was on divorce court (before your vow) the other day asking if they should get married, they had been together 12 year and had 6 children.

DuShawn

May 13th, 2014
10:24 am

Like Big Mama always said: “Sometimes what you don’t say…..says it all” If he wanted to marry her, he would have told her. Why bring it up when his silence on the issue has already revealed his position. What do you think…after two years he has no clue that the marriage discussion is forthcoming? Why remind him as if he’s forgotten. That man knows what time it is and has made a conscious effort to remain mute on the topic. Why ask questions when you’ve already been given the answers.

Leggs

May 13th, 2014
10:24 am

You got it, 2C (10:21).

Leggs

May 13th, 2014
10:26 am

You got it, Dushawn (10:24).

Single and Happy

May 13th, 2014
10:29 am

disco, you we aint tracking again, you start talking marriage to me after 3 months, I’m looking for the door, (hell I don’t know you!)

Button

May 13th, 2014
10:30 am

the big question is: does she want to marry him or does she just want to get married (to anybody)? She could very well not want to marry him but feel compelled to wanting to marry him bc she’s been with him that long. she didn’t say in her post whether she loves him or not or for that matter does he love her.

2CPTG©

May 13th, 2014
10:33 am

Du…..throw us a bone, bruh…give us some’n to talk about….”our readers” ain’t doin it!!!!

Button

May 13th, 2014
10:35 am

Why stop seeing other ppl anyway? unless he says will you marry me why even take yourself off the market?

Leggs – I’m with you on meeting family friends, that proves absolutely nothing! some dudes don’t even bring a woman around their family/friends.

2CPTG©

May 13th, 2014
10:36 am

Button, do you see other ppl?

disco

May 13th, 2014
10:38 am

Single – talk about a workout. No power steering is a workout. lol.

Single – re expediting marriage. I have an acquaintance who met a guy online in October and was married to him in January. She was hearing judgment from all directions. All I told her is that you are around 50, divorced, have no children to worry about. protect yourself, protect your money and assets and do you. later for everyone else. she married a single father in his 40s and was just as happy as can be to step into the motherhood role. that’s been like 7 or 8 years ago and they are still married and seemingly happy. with age comes wisdom. you should know yourself, what you want, what you will tolerate, what you are willing to compromise etc. I say go for it.

Button

May 13th, 2014
10:41 am

2C- not now I don’t but I did until he took me off the market. No hanky panky but did date and talked to other guys.

2CPTG©

May 13th, 2014
10:42 am

with age comes wisdom. you should know yourself, what you want, what you will tolerate, what you are willing to compromise etc.

gal, you’re saying some good stuff this morning…..

2CPTG©

May 13th, 2014
10:43 am

@Button….so you’re off the market, but ye’en married either…..and how long have you and “G” been dating?

disco

May 13th, 2014
10:43 am

2C – you are right. I should clean that up. with age SHOULD come wisdom. goodness knows there is no fool like an old fool. there? that better? lol.

Button

May 13th, 2014
10:45 am

disco – ain’t nothing wrong with a whirlwind marriage.

Button

May 13th, 2014
10:49 am

2C – I’m off the market bc he proposed, committed to marrying. Now should one of us renege then I’m back on the market.

disco

May 13th, 2014
10:51 am

Button – I don’t think so either though I’d be more likely to have reservations if the couple were – say 19 years old as opposed to 45. Even with that I acknowledge that lots of folks married young and it worked for them. shrugs.

2CPTG©

May 13th, 2014
10:52 am

that is so true…I always hear older folks saying, “ain’t nothing like an old fool.” which, in some ways correlates to the saying “life begins at 40″ because by then, you should have made all your young dumb decisions, and be at a point in life where you’re not only in a solid financial spot, but also in a solid mental frame of mind……for me, it was literally like a lightbulb came on, and a clear understanding of life in general hit me……

Single and Happy

May 13th, 2014
10:53 am

Disco, when you’ve never had power steering, it wasn’t a problem. but now that I’m used to it, aint know way (LOL)

your last line said it all, unfortunately, very few people know this about themselves.

disco

May 13th, 2014
10:54 am

Button – not to be petty but not every engagement leads to marriage. sometimes proposing just buys a guy more time. ijs. having said that, have you all set a date? how long is your engagement period (if you don’t mind sharing)?

Button

May 13th, 2014
11:06 am

disco – I know not every proposal leads to marriage that’s why I said ” Now should one of us renege then I’m back on the market”- we’re shooting for august 23rd. dated over a year.

DuShawn

May 13th, 2014
11:07 am

“you’ve never had power steering….”How about child car seats. When I was a kid, there was no such thing.

SlimNu

May 13th, 2014
11:07 am

Single – My first clunker had selective power steering. Every time it was time to make a turn, you’d hope and pray the power steering was kicking in. Several times it felt like it would but then it’d go out and you’d end up either all on the curb or fighting to keep from going in the next lane. LOL

disco

May 13th, 2014
11:09 am

Button – I peeped that but since we tend to go bump heads sometimes I had to put a disclaimer in there so it didn’t seem like I was picking. lol.

Button – dated over a year or engaged over a year? just trying to get a timeline.

disco

May 13th, 2014
11:10 am

Dushawn – sure there were car seats. it was called sitting in someone’s lap or laying the child in a card board box (or something – lol) or if they were old enough to sit, just strapping their behind in.

Single and Happy

May 13th, 2014
11:12 am

Du there were child car seats, they call them “sit cho lil a$$ down and be still) (LOL)

Button I’ve been in a few of those relationships where they talked about wanting to be married, not wasting their time, and so on, but never did they say they wanted to be married to me, just that they wanted to be married, they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t trying to get married to them.Also most these thought marriage would fix all their problems

Single and Happy

May 13th, 2014
11:14 am

Slim my first car didn’t have it all