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Time for the talk?

A reader wants advice on how to deal with a budding romance that is headed for the “exclusive” discussion. She has already figured out that she has had a lot of fun with this guy, but she wants out before he suggests things go to the next level. He has already hinted that he wants to figure out “what they are” and put some kind of label on it.

What do you do when you are leaning toward keeping things casual because you are unsure if you want to be with them? Should you stall things out until you are definitely convinced? Would you try to figure out if there is something holding you back?

I know the commitment phobic people like to hang out in that no strings attached phase as long as possible. The reality is, though, that isn’t fair to the person who wants something with the potential to last longer. So, what do you do when it is clearly time for the talk but you are not ready?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

257 comments Add your comment

Lee

May 12th, 2014
6:49 am

good morning,

She needs to tell him about the other guy she loves or she really doesn’t like him but he is taking her nice places so she doesn’t want that part to end, because i don’t know a single gal who would say no to a man that they are having a great time with and every so far is peachy… and really what is the next level both do not see other people but continue to go out ….

Single and Happy

May 12th, 2014
7:15 am

Hey all

She needs to just ask him what she wants to know! Because she’s the one asking for advice, not him.

Button

May 12th, 2014
8:12 am

Her sitution isn’t hard to figure out. she should abandon the relationship. She should let the guy know it was fun while it lasted but now she must move on. Tell him it’s not him but it’s her. Let him go on to find someone else. that’s what guy’s do when it’s the woman wanting some more serious.

good morning!

Lali

May 12th, 2014
8:36 am

The reader said she “she wants out” so sounds like she knows exactly what she wants, just be straight forward and tell him.

What do you do when you are leaning toward keeping things casual because you are unsure if you want to be with them?
The only time I’ve ever felt this way is when I was with someone that I knew ultimately was not for me. So it’s just a matter of deciding how much time you are willing to waste.

Should you stall things out until you are definitely convinced?

I think stalling things out is unfair and life is too short for that, once you know what you want or don’t want, just let it be known so all can move on. The people that drag it out just do it until they can get someone else lined up.

disco

May 12th, 2014
8:45 am

Good morning.

I swear I am not the one who wrote the letter. lol. just reading the words “time for the talk” made me cringe. Sometimes you have to wonder why some folks can’t just leave well enough alone. if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

Single and Happy

May 12th, 2014
8:47 am

Disco we tracking again (LOL)

SlimNu

May 12th, 2014
9:09 am

Good morning,

They need to go ahead and have the talk and she can let it be known she isn’t really ready to get locked down now….but i wonder if she’s just enjoying playing the field for now or just isn’t a settle down type of girl. Either way, she needs to be upfront so he can go forward accordingly.

disco

May 12th, 2014
9:10 am

Single – we stay tracking (except for when you be trying to “act funny”). lol.

disco

May 12th, 2014
9:17 am

Sometimes you really do like the person and you really do enjoy being with them you just don’t want to embrace the whole “couple” thing. it’s not for everybody but so many people just refuse to acknowledge that.

Commitment-phobe implies one is afraid of commitment. Why they gotta be scared? Why can’t they simply lack the desire? ijs.

SlimNu

May 12th, 2014
9:22 am

Did all you mother’s have a great Mother’s Day?

Leggs

May 12th, 2014
9:33 am

Perhaps it’s just me, but this sounds a little childish. If you want out, then tell him you’re not in the same place as he is. It’s not complicated. To string him along knowing you don’t want what he wants is cowardly and selfish. Put on your big girl panties and let the guy go so he can be good for someone else.

Good morning.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 12th, 2014
9:39 am

Morning All!!

Sometimes you have to wonder why some folks can’t just leave well enough alone. if it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Hey Disco!!! That’s just it. It’s not “well enough” for him. And that’s fine. She wants to keep it casual, he wants something more substantial. They both have a right to what they want and in this case, they are not on the same page. That’s life, it happens. I hope she does not have regrets later on that she let a good one go. Nice guys that you have fun with and are committed are tough to come by, but if she’s not feeling him like that, she’s not. She should be st8 with him.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 12th, 2014
9:40 am

Leggs – It’s not just you, I actually thought the same thing when I read it. This isn’t that hard.

2CPTG©

May 12th, 2014
9:40 am

this gal is wasting that dude’s time….stringing him along….that’s all there is to it.

disco

May 12th, 2014
9:41 am

Leggs – while I totally get your point and since I have been this woman (lol) I won’t own cowardly. And while I do own selfish most of the time in this situation I’ll grant her a pass. why? because just as easily as she can “let him go” he can man up and just go. why does he need to be “released”? why does he need to discuss something that is probably obvious or that she may have even mentioned from the jump. Men tell women all the time they aren’t looking for anything serious and the women think that might change over time. dude very well could be playing the role of the woman in this relationship. lol.

DuShawn

May 12th, 2014
9:42 am

Let him know, she ain’t trying to be his lady, but he can continue to hit it if he chooses…..I’m pretty sure he would be cool with that.

disco

May 12th, 2014
9:45 am

Hey kimmie!!!

Btw – not every man who “puts a label on it” is coming from a genuine place. Some do it just so the woman can have that false sense of security. so that they (the man) can feel like they got her on lock while he still cutting up. We’ve discussed fragile male egos and men telling women what they want to hear. Sometimes it’s all game.

2CPTG©

May 12th, 2014
9:46 am

A reader wants advice on how to deal with a budding romance that is headed for the “exclusive” discussion.
how is it a “budding romance” if she ain’t feeling the dude like that?

then this~~> Would you try to figure out if there is something holding you back? figure what out? you either want an exclusive relationship or you don’t…..I know what I’ve figured out…..that you and your situation is lame as hell.

disco

May 12th, 2014
9:53 am

2C – that line is likely because diva thinks like the general population and the general population tends to believe that everyone wants to be a part of a couple. Every single person is lonely and miserable and waiting for the day when they are finally not single anymore.

Leggs

May 12th, 2014
9:54 am

SlimNu ~ mine was good, child came home and I cooked my own dinner (lol).

Single and Happy

May 12th, 2014
9:54 am

Now all she said is he’s thrown hints, he hasn’t came out and said anything. Until then, enjoy the ride. What she may be taking as hints may be harmless flirting. He may be trying to see where her head is at.

SlimNu

May 12th, 2014
9:57 am

We know that not all folks want to be part of a coupledom, but in this instance, it appears that SHE has not been straight up with ole dude with wha she wants or doesn’t want. So saying, why does dude need to be let go, why not let himself go, doesn’t really apply. Obviously, he has no clue that she doesn’t want anything serious…The way it’s presented here is she’s having fun and hopefully avoiding the ‘exclusive’ convo.

SlimNu

May 12th, 2014
9:57 am

Leggs – You would have preferred she cook it for you?

Leggs

May 12th, 2014
10:00 am

“…because just as easily as she can “let him go” he can man up and just go.” – Why would he go if he thinks things are running smoothly and want to take it to another level? She’s the one perpetrating having him feel there’s more to the relationship.

Single and Happy

May 12th, 2014
10:00 am

Happy belated mothers day to all you babies mama, mama mamas, mamas mamas mamas,

http://youtu.be/lm5e7XL4jiY

disco

May 12th, 2014
10:01 am

since the topic has little life. I’ll ask you guys – in your opinions, outside of emotional mumbo jumbo, what are the benefits of being in a relationship?

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 12th, 2014
10:01 am

Sometimes it’s all game.

Disco – Well if dude is playing games and she’s peeped that out about him, then maybe she’s making the right decision to not get serious about dude.

Either way, just go on and tell the dude you want to keep it casual. I just don’t see what the big deal is. This is something that happens all the time, it’s just usually in reverse where the lady wants something more serious. But at some point, u have to decide where this thing is going and take it from there.

Leggs

May 12th, 2014
10:02 am

SlimNu ~ not at all (lol). It was my choice not to go to a restaurant. Got my bar stools, but the back is a little too short…ugh!

2CPTG©

May 12th, 2014
10:03 am

“Obviously, he has no clue that she doesn’t want anything serious…”

exactly, Slim…..she playin games, and buddy prolly like, damn ma, what’s really happening, we been kickin it for awhile now, you’on mind hangin out, but ye’en sayin ish….

Single and Happy

May 12th, 2014
10:03 am

Mothers, how would you feel if your son posted on your face book page, “Mom you my N****a”

disco

May 12th, 2014
10:04 am

I guess I see this topic differently because I could be this chick. I know firsthand you can tell dudes the truth and they don’t think it applies to them. they may think they’ve got casual covered since they are used to chicks getting sprung out on them. they don’t anticipate that the situation can get reversed. Most men think they are the ish and they can’t fathom why a chick wouldn’t want to commit to them even if she sits down and gives him a handwritten list of why she wouldn’t commit to him. the way I see it – shame on him.

Single and Happy

May 12th, 2014
10:05 am

Disco, SEX (LOL)

SlimNu

May 12th, 2014
10:06 am

Single – That sounds like something Lil Scrappy’s mama would post lol If it were me, I’d feel disrespected. There should be some level of respect when it comes to addressing your elders/parents etc.

Leggs – Can you not swap them out for something higher backed chairs.

Single and Happy

May 12th, 2014
10:09 am

Disco we think like that because every woman want’s to be in relationship!! (LOL)

Button

May 12th, 2014
10:10 am

If it was the lady wanting to have the talk and put a label on it the spin would be different. sucks they are both single until married.

Button

May 12th, 2014
10:11 am

there are some ppl you just want to have fun with. You don’t see them as life partners. Nothing new here or complicated.

Single and Happy

May 12th, 2014
10:12 am

Button, the spin would be different cause we just going to ride it out until she comes out and say it, hints don’t count.

I would love to know what kind of hints he’s been throwing with out coming out and saying it.

Reio

May 12th, 2014
10:12 am

Morning all.

disco – The list of things I got out of relationships is extensive. Mostly good.

On topic:

Who does this? I mean, during the first conversation I had years ago, even if it was the initial phone conversation, I would inform them that I was a one woman man, and was looking for a real and long term relationship(or words to that effect). I think, as best as I can recall, I would ask “Is that kinda what you’re looking for as well?”

In most instances they would respond with “Yes. A good, nice, steady guy is what I’m hoping to find also.” Or words to that effect. On the few occasions that they said something other than that, like “Well, I’m not sure. Let’s just see how it goes…” Or words to that effect, I was quick to let them know that I wasn’t interested in anyone that wasn’t looking for something long term.

My thinking then, as well as now, was, hell, you MAY want to see how things go, makes sense, I understand that, but I don’t want anything to do with a woman that is not positive she wants a long term committed relationship. I get the fact that we’ve just met. We know nothing about one another. But whether you want a committed relationship or not has nothing to do with us. Granted she may decide that, yes, she wants a committed relationship, just not with me. I’d be ok with that down the road, but I figured, why waste time with her while she makes up her mind.

2CPTG©

May 12th, 2014
10:12 am

shame on him.

the ever recurring theme….it’s always shame on him, sucks to be him, his fault, etc….you sound like a broken record….this gal truly on some other sh it, yet, it’s dude’s fault for still hanging around, huh?

Button

May 12th, 2014
10:13 am

Single – every woman does not want to be in a relationship/coupled! some women love being unglued>free spirited! every women does not want to be married either!

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 12th, 2014
10:13 am

Disco – To answer your question about the benefits of being in a relationship:

To me there are no benefits if you don’t choose the right person from jump. So the first thing is your choice of person to be with. After that, it’s all gravy. Anyone I have in my life had to enhance what I already had going on. A companion, a partner, in what I was already doing or want to do, from the simplest everyday things to the bigger things. Otherwise, you may as well stay by yourself.

Button

May 12th, 2014
10:14 am

Single – they both don’t know how to communicate! that’s the whole problem here, they are just throwing around hints and playing catch a clue lol sucks to be both of them!

disco

May 12th, 2014
10:15 am

Reio – please share some of the things on your list. being objective, who do you think benefits more from the union? you or your wife? I ask this because it seems like (to me) most often men are far more needy than women. I could be wrong but this is why I’m asking folks to chime in.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 12th, 2014
10:18 am

I ask this because it seems like (to me) most often men are far more needy than women

Disco – You right about this, I’ve always gotten this impression.

2CPTG©

May 12th, 2014
10:21 am

Men more needy than women??? hol’ up……how y’all figure?

disco

May 12th, 2014
10:22 am

2C – I stand by my statement. Shame on him. every guy that hangs around the fringes of my life waiting on an in, I say shame on him. I don’t lie, I don’t pretend, I don’t issue empty promises. All I do is be me. I can’t help it if they love them some me. ijs.

Kimmie – once a group of us were discussing gender roles. It seemed that the female tasks were the daily/more frequent tasks and the male tasks were things that only needed tending to once a week, once a month or even less frequently than that. I know I don’t like to cook. I cook when I feel like it. with a child if you don’t want to cook and dinner is sandwiches or pizza or happy meals the kids view that as a treat. I’m wondering how many days a man is going to go without a meal before he starts whining. Men? lol.

Single and Happy

May 12th, 2014
10:24 am

Button, you know I was just joking right? playing off disco’s earlier post :-D

Leggs

May 12th, 2014
10:25 am

Single ~ if the son is like lil scrappy and the mom is like mama d, then that would be understandable.

disco

May 12th, 2014
10:25 am

2C – there’s a reason many women tend to say having a man is like having another child. lol.

SlimNu

May 12th, 2014
10:26 am

disco – But aren’t you upfront with dudes about you not looking anything serious? Not looking for marriage?