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Dating: Could you forgive a cheater?

Dating relationships can be hard enough when you are trying to figure out if you have what it takes to last. Facing the harsh truth that they cheated when you were supposed to be exclusive adds a whole new layer of complexity. Is there a point in staying with someone who couldn’t truly commit to an exclusive relationship? Do you believe you could forgive that and build something long term with them?

I have met a lot of people who stayed or married the person who cheated on them early in their dating relationship. I believe one couple actually grew closer and stronger after they got through it. It isn’t impossible, but is it worth it? I wonder if you ever regain the trust you had before they cheated?

If you were dating someone and you cheated on them, would you tell them? Do you believe that once you both agree to dating exclusively, you are obligated to keep your word? In other words, you aren’t married but you only focus on each other. What happens when you get tempted or want pursue someone else?

By Wise Diva

288 comments Add your comment

Lee

May 8th, 2014
6:55 am

Good Morning,

What happens when you get tempted or want pursue someone else? If I were to get tempted and wanted to pursue something with another then my current relationship is over. Yes you should keep your word, has that important trust factor that everyone wants…if you don’t have trust and can’t believe what the other person says how can you have any type of relationship that will be healthy…..Been cheated on by my kids father at the time i was for all getting one back and did so right in his face didn’t hide it then bragged while smiling , we did not last long after that, so its just better to part ways if you feel you need to cheat or want someone else, just let me know i will be hurt but i rather be hurt than to waste my time…

Single and Happy

May 8th, 2014
7:13 am

Hey everyone

Do you believe you could forgive that and build something long term with them?

Nobody’s perfect, we all make mistakes. There is a difference between a little indiscretion, and a serial cheater. We would have to sit down and talk about our problems that made you do it.

If you were dating someone and you cheated on them, would you tell them? Have been in that situation, and no I didn’t tell her. But when she found out about it, I didn’t lie. We talked about it, it never happened again, and the relationship did grow stronger! Yes she forgave, but she sure didn’t forget.

Button

May 8th, 2014
8:23 am

You cannot cheat unless you’re married and it’s called adultry! When you’re single you can sleep/see be with whomever you choose to be with bc you ‘ve not taken a vow forsaking all others. Dating is not on the same level as marriage but yet some make it to be.

Some ppl choose not to stray when they are in a relationship and that’s a good thing esp when they know they can. Some ppl can’t help but to stray bc that’s in them and that’s their prerogative. I go into all my dating adventures with this mindset bc things happen and ppl change their minds all the time.

good morning!

SlimNu

May 8th, 2014
8:25 am

Good morning, good morning, this morning

Still struggling with not going the eff off so we’ll see how this goes

Howdy Single, Lee & Button :-)

Button

May 8th, 2014
8:34 am

SlimNu- Hi!!

lali

May 8th, 2014
8:35 am

It isn’t impossible, but is it worth it? No

I wonder if you ever regain the trust you had before they cheated? It’s possible but takes a lot of time and patience

If you were dating someone and you cheated on them, would you tell them? I have never cheated and I would like to think I would not. I just don’t see how cheating is necessary. Is it really that hard to dump someone before you move onto the next or in marriage is it really that hard to communicate issues with your partner and be proactive in keeping yourself of out situations that would lead to cheating…

Do you believe that once you both agree to dating exclusively, you are obligated to keep your word?
Yes, but I think it’s also important to have a level of understanding of who your partner is and vice versa. I am always clear that cheating is a deal breaker for me so by cheating, to me my partner is telling me he wants out. There are a lot of things that happen before your are inside another person so while I can forgive, I will definitely move on if it happens.

In other words, you aren’t married but you only focus on each other. What happens when you get tempted or want pursue someone else?

You don’t agree to be exclusive until and unless you are ready to be exclusive, if you want to pursue someone else then I really don’t see the point in agreeing to be exclusive… but in that situation, if you want to pursue someone else then you say so and breakup…

disco

May 8th, 2014
8:38 am

Good morning.

Personally I believe there are probably more cheaters than non-cheaters. lol. cheat once or cheat consistently, you are/were still a cheater.

Button – while I agree that “not married” is definitely equal to single I don’t necessarily agree that cheating is limited to adultery/married people. cheating is essentially violating trust which is why people can’t necessarily agree on what constitutes cheating. besides that, the nature of one’s relationship shouldn’t necessarily change with marriage. it should continue to be what it already is except that it’s harder to get out of. lol.

Slim – go ahead and go off. it will make you feel better. unless, of course, you are at work already and are tempted to go off there. that might not be in your best interest. ijs. lol.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

May 8th, 2014
8:43 am

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

May 8th, 2014
8:43 am

lali

May 8th, 2014
8:48 am

I think most people think like Button…some men I know were sleeping with other women through their engagement up until their wedding day…

One of my best guy friends only considered it cheating if he had intercourse…everything else was fair game

so that’s why I think it’s important to have a good understanding of who your partner is and what you can reasonably expect from him

SlimNu

May 8th, 2014
8:52 am

I know dating isn’t on the same level as marriage. However, if you two have discussed what you expect from each other and one goes away from that, it’s still a discretion. It’s still a betrayal of sorts….does it have the same repercussions as infidelity in a marriage? Probably not but it doesn’t take away from the hurt or damage of trust.

As far as forgiving, I can’t say that I wouldn’t forgive because it’s happened to me before and we moved past it. But that trust is now tarnished and takes a whole lot to get it back. Usually, what ends up happening is the person that got caught or either comes clean about it is ready to move on, the person it happened too continues to struggle with it. They are untrusting of what that person now says and does creating a more unhealthy environment, leading to frustration to the offender. They get fed up with the distrust from their partner and probably seek solace somewhere else…and there goes that cycle. At this point in life, I’m not sure how I’d handle an indiscrection from my partner because that’s a hurt that just doesn’t easily go away. The secrecy & lies would really bother me. An ex of mine discussed cheating before. From my standpoint I feel like, if one wants to cheat, doesnt that mean they no longer really want the current relationship? He said it didn’t mean that at all. Of course i’m like, if we’re dating and you feel the urge to stray, then just be single. He was like, why leave your current when you don’t even know if that new thing will go anywhere or work out…so you don’t just jump out there without testing the waters first. Plus when you break up then move on, it’s no longer cheating and takes the excitement factor out of it. :shock:

SlimNu

May 8th, 2014
8:55 am

Dan – Thanks, that was cute and I feel calm already :-D

Button

May 8th, 2014
9:00 am

I personallty don’t bellieve men are wired to stay with one woman unless he chooses too. I know women “cheat” too but since I only deal with men…….

Fay

May 8th, 2014
9:01 am

Mornin

can I forgive a cheater …I have not till this day been able to stay with a cheater – I found out by surprise. Would I stay with a cheater maybe if he told me about the indiscretion and we were able to talk about it. Nowadays I feel like I have to keep asking if they are sleeping with someone else so I won’t be surprised …smh. Anyway infidelity is hard to overcome….I cheated once in high school and told my guy at the time- he blamed himself. If I want to see someone else I am letting you go.

disco

May 8th, 2014
9:01 am

Slim – I think too many people (well women generally) who are cheated on take it personally in the sense that they feel like the fault is with them. like they did something wrong or weren’t good enough in some way. I think once they get past that and recognize that they aren’t the problem but the cheater is the problem it won’t be nearly as hard to get past it.

Button

May 8th, 2014
9:04 am

disco – I totally agree with 9:01.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

May 8th, 2014
9:05 am

@Slim – you’re welcome

As for you’re “ex’s” comment, he’s right; kinda.

Generally – from ancedotal evidence – cheating is: “testing the waters” for the new relationship, “wish fulfillment” (’Mayne, I just had to have that’), done “out of boredom”, or done out of frustration.

To me, personally, none of those were good enough reasons to betray a woman that loves you and who you say that you love.

That’s said, have I cheated/betrayed someone I was in a relationship with? Yup.

However, #BWIM, just before my current relationship, I stopped cheating. I would have sex with more than one woman, but I didn’t feel the need to lie any longer. Wasn’t worth it.

disco

May 8th, 2014
9:08 am

I know a lot of women who stay with cheating spouses because they say some piddly piece of side tail is not worth disrupting their homes, livelihoods, lifestyles. I have heard some women make the argument that you don’t break up with the cheating man as that simply sends him back to the chick he was cheating with. they say to punish him, make him stay home. I’ve heard others say that as long as he’s only sharing the D and not sharing the money they don’t care what he does. there are a zillion perspectives on this.

SlimNu

May 8th, 2014
9:09 am

Dan – So basically, it sounds like having that urge to cheat is a desire or search for the next thing….meaning you’re sort of ready to move on from what you have. So with that said, just get the hell on right?

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

May 8th, 2014
9:14 am

@Slim

Naw. That isn’t (just) it.

There’s time invested in the woman you’re with. You like her. You love her. You are just selfish/delusional enough to believe that you can do her, not get caught, or if you, take a little guff and keep (your) life (with her) moving. Will there forever be slick comments, yup. Will she one day beat you in your sleep? prolly. But as long as you’re willing to live with everything but her leaving, you’re good with your decision.

It’s not about moving on always. Sometimes it really is “having your Kate and eating (the other) her too.”

Single and Happy

May 8th, 2014
9:16 am

Slim I went back and got this just for you, 10 & 11 will help you make it through the day

12 steps to self care and happiness…

1 If it feels wrong, don’t do it
2 Say exactly what you mean
3 Don’t be a people pleaser
4 Trust your instincts
5 Never speak bad about yourself
6 Never give up on your dreams
7 Don’t be afraid to say no
8 Don’t be afraid to say yes
9 Be kind to yourself
10 Let go of what you can’t control
11 Stay away from drama and negativity
12 LOVE

lali

May 8th, 2014
9:17 am

@ disco wow I can’t even imagine that mindset…just seems like those women are choosing to be disrespected…but who needs self respect when you have money huh?

I would not hold a man to a lesser standard than I hold myself…

Everyone is capable of cheating, but it is a CHOICE…I want someone that chooses not to harm my life, my health, my well being and our relationship…If I can’t get that in marriage, then what’s the point in marrying???

Reio

May 8th, 2014
9:20 am

Morning all.

Who actually discusses being exclusive? Very few. And ya’ll know it. For the vast majority of people, it’s assumed. What exactly is cheating anyway? Sex. That’s it. Simple. So if you haven’t discussed it, well, there is no cheating, IMO.

Let’s just tell it like it is. You’re in a relationship. You pull another woman’s dress up, or, you’re in a relationship, and you allow another man to pull your dress up. Well, unless you have stated to your SO that you will be with them only(And who does this?), I don’t see the cheating part. I’m sorry. I just don’t.

And here’s another thang. For many of us, men in particular, women to a somewhat lesser extent, for various reasons, relationships are just a way to get yo ‘thang’ played wit on the regular. Sorry. But it’s the truth. If it turns into something more, well, ok. But for now, let’s just play wit each other’s ‘thangs’.

That’s why I have always been of the mindset, for those that truly want more, that as soon as you realize that you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone, to tell them to hit the road. Do it in your own way. But do it. Just make sure they know it’s over. Move on.

disco

May 8th, 2014
9:24 am

Single – it is too early for 12 step programs. lol.

I think cheating is primarily a crime of opportunity. Most cheaters really do intend to be discreet (or at least as discreet as they know how to be). few are blatant, in your face, I’m going to cheat and don’t care if you know it types. Like dan said, they think they can pull it off. they won’t get caught. It’s those other suckers that get caught.

Lali – this is definitely a situation where you don’t know what’s really going on from the outside looking in. truth of the matter is, there are plenty of wives out there who are happy that their husbands are getting it elsewhere. It simply means they don’t have to be bothered with that particular “chore”.

SlimNu

May 8th, 2014
9:24 am

Dan/Single – Ya’ll keeping me straight today. (feeling like Bluz dayum. lol)

Sometimes it really is “having your Kate and eating (the other) her too.” :lol: :shock:

Fellas: Now why are dudes less likely to forgive an infidelity by their woman???? It’s very rare that a dude will stay once he finds some other dude done pumped his girl.

disco

May 8th, 2014
9:26 am

Reio – actually I think it’s probably discussed but as you mentioned (some) men know what to say to feel like they got her “on lock” while in their own minds they feel like they can carry on as usual.

Slim – that’s just the double standard. Women are generally more accepting and forgiving by nature. Men are more possessive and territorial and, let’s face it, their little egos can’t accept that they aren’t putting it down like they thought they were. lol.

SlimNu

May 8th, 2014
9:27 am

disco – I surely hope that i’m not ever with someone that I felt was a chore to have sex with and is okay with some other chick handling that load.

Single and Happy

May 8th, 2014
9:29 am

Slim I forgave an infidelity because instead of going off her, I listened to her reason, and what she said was true. She had tried to point it out to me before it happened and I didn’t listen then.

SlimNu

May 8th, 2014
9:29 am

disco – I thought it was soooo crazy that my ex (10yr) felt some kind of way when he found out my current bf went on a family trip with me. I guess he felt like I’d never love/like someone enough (outside of him) to be serious enough to have around my family. We had been broken up for years by that time… lol It killed him inside.

SlimNu

May 8th, 2014
9:29 am

Single – What was her justification?

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

May 8th, 2014
9:30 am

@Slim

Because she has an “innie”. That means she let someone else “in”. I, again personally, can’t abide it.

@Reio

Wow.

Forgive me for not remembering your backstory, but have you ever been married? Or a really long term relationship?

Cause I know for a I ain’t perfect (close though), I can be annoying, moody, petulant, stubborn, mean, and downright angry.

That said, if I know that about me, how am I gonna be mad, or dismiss someone with those, or worse, faults?

Your 9:20 strikes me as someone Waiting on Godot…

And, while “no offense” is intended, I’m really trying to understand where that “you ain’t the one” comes from?

lali

May 8th, 2014
9:33 am

@ Reio I think you have a good point a lot of people don’t discuss exclusivity most of my female friends “assume” it. I only discuss exclusivity when I want it, if I don’t discuss it, it is because I don’t want it with that person and still exploring options

Single and Happy

May 8th, 2014
9:36 am

Slim not enough attention, spending to much time at work. and she was right.

Leggs

May 8th, 2014
9:37 am

Could you forgive a cheater? – Very good question. I truly do not know until I’m faced with such a complex dilemma. Through the pain I would feel, I would have to weigh so much. Main ting would be the trust. How do I trust again? Do I want to trust, how paranoid will I become, what went wrong? Sometimes, things can be on the up and up and temptation just got the best of some fool who knowingly puts his relationship in jeopardy. That’s what will floor me. Why throw so much away for some stolen moments with another = greed and selfishness!

Good morning!

SlimNu

May 8th, 2014
9:37 am

Reio – I can’t speak for ‘most people’ but I most certainly discuss exclusivity in my relationships.

disco

May 8th, 2014
9:39 am

Slim – it is what it is. there are some women who have relatively low sex drives to start out with. others claim their drive changed after kids or “the change” or whatever. I have one relative who claimed that she slept with her husband twice a month. She’s on team “it’s a chore” but it has to be done. I could see her turning a blind eye to an affair.

Reio

May 8th, 2014
9:45 am

And once again, I’ll say this. During my dating years, I suppose one could say that I had an advantage over other young, single guys, in that, I saw what they saw, but wanted it much less. Especially after I had that epiphany, where I realized that this current “cootie” is good, but it’s no better than the last “cootie” or the one before that, or….Hell. May as well find a good woman, and stick with her. Cause one thing is for sure(This was my thing then and now), a new piece of azz won’t be much better than the last one. Disagree if you want, but that’s how I feel. Why cheat? Just move on. Hope none of you gals take offense to this, but, for many men, “yo stuff” is all they care about. Good thing is, for some men, this is a passing fancy, and they grow up, and, grow out of this foolishness, and become reliable and responsible people. Sadly some of them never reach that level of maturity. Never could fully understand why some men cheat. Or women, for that matter.

DuShawn

May 8th, 2014
9:45 am

Lie to the one you love, but tell your hoes the truth.

SlimNu

May 8th, 2014
9:47 am

disco – Yeah i’ve heard of all those things but my hope is that I’m a rarity. I want to want my dude and I want him to want me as well. With the lack in the last situation, i’m nervous about how the next relationship will be. :oops:

2CPTG©

May 8th, 2014
9:50 am

Slim to answer your question, men are territorial…plain and simple…..I can bang other chics, but cain’t nobody bang mine…is it right, of course not…

will I forgive a cheater, Hell No!

Reio

May 8th, 2014
9:51 am

“.. Now why are dudes less likely to forgive an infidelity by their woman???? …”

Simple. Babies. She gets knocked up. Is it mine? Or someone else’s? There are some “manhood” issues at play as well. Ego. “I’m a man, so ain’t no way in hell another fella’s gonna be bending her over with my knowledge.”

One more thang. When a man finds out that his gal is cheating, automatically, instantly, immediately, and without hesitation, thoughts of oral, anal, golden showers, sleeping with it in her mouth…comes to his mind. Hell naw!! Shid naw!! Fuggk Naw!!

disco

May 8th, 2014
9:53 am

I will say that I know without a doubt that I could not be the wife (or even the girlfriend) that accepts an outside child. that right there would be curtains.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

May 8th, 2014
9:53 am

@Slim – The lack of what?

@Reio – makes much more sense. I’m the same way, in that realizing the sex is just sex with variations on a theme. I also agree that there are dudes that never quite get that and always chase ‘new’, ‘more’, and ‘different’, often times to the detriment of their current relationships.

Leggs

May 8th, 2014
9:55 am

“…golden showers, sleeping with it in her mouth” – Boy stop! You have me cracking up over here. Do you guys really think of that? I know this isn’t the case, but I’d like to think sane people aren’t into golden showers.

disco

May 8th, 2014
9:55 am

Reio – that’s why this world is full of husbands who have children who look like some dude across town but that hubs will not address the issue. he will say that child looks like a long, lost relative on his grandfather’s uncle’s side before he’ll be ready to face the fact that his wife stepped out. lol.

Celisea

May 8th, 2014
9:58 am

When a man finds out that his gal is cheating, automatically, instantly, immediately, and without hesitation, thoughts of oral, anal, golden showers, sleeping with it in her mouth…comes to his mind.

Maybe the men can bottle this and carry it on a chain around his neck. I would think this would cure a dude from ever straying. lolol

Guuuuud murnting! Beautiful day, breakfast was yummy, bout to get my Pandora on! Sunday is mother’s day….along with the gifts you’ll received, getchaself something cute for church :mrgreen:

On topic: Ummm no! And if I did stay dude will wish either that he had never cheated or that he just moved on. #MakeHisLifeALivingHell

Celisea

May 8th, 2014
9:59 am

around “their” necks, not “his” neck

Celisea

May 8th, 2014
9:59 am

received not receiveD….dern it!

Celisea

May 8th, 2014
10:01 am

Of course I wouldn’t stay, BUT if I did and made his life a living hell, when he finally decides “I’m sick of her not being able to get over it” and leaves, I wouldn’t feel no kinda way about calling it quits. Nothing, NADA, no feelings at all!

Reio

May 8th, 2014
10:02 am

Leggs/disco – It’s true. Men can’t get pregnant. So, continuing a relationship with a gal you know has cheated is viewed as setting oneself up for catastrophe down the road. “Wonder is this really my baby?”

And these ARE the thoughts that go through many men’s minds, upon finding out she has cheated.
“Bet that heffa been doing all kinda shiid wit that fugga…..”