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Should earning power matter?

I was reading the http://radiotvtalk.blog.ajc.com/2014/05/06/apollo-nida-real-housewives-of-atlanta-pleads-guilty-to-bank-fraud-id-theft/ about one of the husbands from Real Housewives of Atlanta. In court Apollo Nida stated his wife “was making far more money than him and he felt pressure to keep up” and his life of crime helped him do that.

I thought about how so many of our elders often tell us about being equally yoked like the Bible says. Earning potential and income is commonly sited as something that should be compatible. I would argue that income and earning power is a sad reason not to be together, but I can see the issues that it could cause.

I remember my friend telling me about a guy she met at church. He was super judgmental about her income. He felt that she made more than he did and he made such an issue about it because it made things “unbalanced.” Not surprising that he often suggested they go Dutch because she could afford it!

Do you think that it should matter if the person you are dating has the potential to earn money the same as you do or similar?

If one is making more money, how would you handle the “pressure to keep up” with them?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

290 comments Add your comment

Lee

May 7th, 2014
7:08 am

Good Morning,

Excuses are many… if someone steals it has nothing to do what the other person is making…

I know two married couples that when they decided to have kids the guys stayed home with the kids, first one she was a VP of a company and made big bunks he was in management it made more sense for her to continue with her job since she was making high six figures.. 2nd one she worked for the state and he is a cook, she had the benefits he didn’t so he stayed home with the kids and worked weekends… if you really love, like someone it will not matter… you will do what is best for your home together as a team to make it though this life and what is best for your family as a whole….

To me it does not matter, it matters that me and my guy work together towards our goals not someone else version of what it should be.. I have never felt pressure to have more than anyone else, I don’t care.. Keeping up with the jones is foolish … if i want something i work towards that , if you already have it , i am glad for you, but that will not make me feel any less of myself..

Single and Happy

May 7th, 2014
7:19 am

Hello everyone

On topi: un no!

Queen

May 7th, 2014
8:21 am

Purple Reign

May 7th, 2014
8:31 am

Does she have to make as much or do what I do? No

Does she need to have the “potential” to make as much as I do or have the “potential” to do what I do? Yes

If something happens to me or she needs to take charge, she can slide right in and things won’t miss a beat.

Lali

May 7th, 2014
8:31 am

It’s not an issue unless someone in the relationship makes it an issue. As long as you have common goals and are able to work together in achieving those goals I don’t think it matters who makes more.

But for some men it really does seem to be an issue. I read this article long ago and I recall it intimated that in order to have a successful relationship a man should have AT LEAST TWO of the following greater than a woman: income, age, looks, or education

I think there may be something to this…

Button

May 7th, 2014
8:39 am

If he makes mor money that’s a good thing! more stuff for me! If he makes less money hmmmm #crickets
I don’t see where the pressure lies, if you want to date someone who makes good money lots of money then mingle in those circles. Why all the pressure? You control who you date.

good morning!

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

May 7th, 2014
8:41 am

Wait one,

If I’m older, book smarter, look better and make more money than someone that I’m dating….we’en in no relationship. We’re seeing each other when I want to see her and possibly her friend(s).

Button

May 7th, 2014
8:47 am

Do you think that it should matter if the person you are dating has the potential to earn money the same as you do or similar? At this age potential doesn’t cut if for me. He has to already be established.

If one is making more money, how would you handle the “pressure to keep up” with them? i’ve never felt th pressure to keep up with any of my date and his finance. What he made was what he made. Most of the guys bragged about their finances while others were mummed about it. Btw most of the guys I dated had major bills with child support and alimony, they may have made good money but it had to be spreaded out to other hands.

disco

May 7th, 2014
8:59 am

Good morning.

Should it matter? Probably not. Does it matter? To some people it does. Does it matter to me? Yep.

Single and Happy

May 7th, 2014
9:01 am

Just give me a woman that can take care of herself, hold her own, and I’m good:-)

disco

May 7th, 2014
9:02 am

Button – alas, we may have finally found an area where you and I think somewhat alike!!!! Let me call hell right quick and see if it froze over. lol.

Button

May 7th, 2014
9:08 am

Bluzgirl

May 7th, 2014
9:16 am

Morning all!

I’ve always been the one to make more…I would like to find someone who makes close to the same. I can take care of myself and that’s the most important thing

CoolShadow

May 7th, 2014
9:21 am

Do you think that it should matter if the person you are dating has the potential to earn money the same as you do or similar?

That is a personal preference of the individual. From my perspective, it seems to matter more to women than men and I think that’s because of the provider aspect women desire in men. I’ve dated women at varying income levels and although I’ve never compared W-2s, I’ve generally had a larger income than most of them, some I’ve made about the same and some made more money than I did. But something that is equally if not more important is their attitude towards money management.

If one is making more money, how would you handle the “pressure to keep up” with them?

I’ve never placed that kind of pressure on myself and it’s unnecessary to do so.

Button

May 7th, 2014
9:24 am

Regarding the Apollo case, he was just plain ol’ greedy! it had nothing to do with him keeping up with his wife but rather him being a career criminal with a sense of entitlement. IF his wife made less he still would be in the same situation. Dude loves prison. some folks just can’t stay out of there.

I’ve been called a gold digger by someone on this blog and I can give two cents as to what she think. I’ve never went for broke. Love don’t pay the bills. You have to have your coins in order when you’re out looking for a mate. Some folks don’t want to look into finances bc they don’t want to be labled a gold digger. Who wants to date and possibly marry someone you have to struggle with? I know I didn’t. I can struggle on my own.

Single and Happy

May 7th, 2014
9:27 am

@Button “you can do bad by yourself, you don’t need no help to starve to death” (LOL)

disco

May 7th, 2014
9:28 am

Cool shadow – I respect that the “provider” issue comes into play for many. I guess my issue is “provider in reverse”. Simply put, I’m not supporting any grown azz man and I don’t want the type man who can kick back and allow himself to be supported. Now, making more than a man doesn’t necessarily mean supporting him but if it gets to the point where resentment starts to set in there might be a problem. knowing me like I know me it wouldn’t take but a hot minute for resentment to set in so no point in even going there to begin with.

Button

May 7th, 2014
9:32 am

Single – lol you better believe it!

2CPTG©

May 7th, 2014
9:35 am

no pressure whatsoever….but if I fall on my d ick, I would hope ol gal could/would cover the slack til the next lick…..

DuShawn

May 7th, 2014
9:39 am

If we’re only dating….we would never know how much the other makes.
If we’re married….It’s the same bank roll anyway…..either way it’s a non issue.

disco

May 7th, 2014
9:40 am

2C – re covering the slack until your next lick. I need to know a) are we married/co-habitating? If so, you have a set amount of time to get to your next lick. b) are we just dating but not co-habitating? If so, holler at me when you get up. ijs.

D – depends on the couple. You know many wives (and lots of husbands) have “hidden money”. ijs.

Button

May 7th, 2014
9:41 am

2C – why should she have to cover? why can’t you already have your stack stacked jic?

Button

May 7th, 2014
9:44 am

I get that some date for fun, but when your looking for a life partner, you’re looking for someone who can bring more to the table than just azz. You’re looking for someone to build wealth with. Not someone to struggle with.

Bluzgirl

May 7th, 2014
9:47 am

Du – I was thinking about that regarding just dating…I don’t even think The Ex knew what I made until at least a year after living together. And that’s only because he was next to me when I was doing some online banking.

DuShawn

May 7th, 2014
9:47 am

Imma a proponent of hidden money. I don’t know how much she has and vice versa.

disco

May 7th, 2014
9:50 am

Button – ahhhh. Now we are back on track. Disagreement – lol. I’m not on team “build wealth”. Wealth has never been a priority for me. I’m more about comfort and I recognize that I don’t need wealth to be comfortable. I can be comfortable on the low.

D – I’m not married but if I ever should get married I am going in with a “yours/mine/ours” mentality. I know some are against it but it works for me. sharing is for kids. lol.

2CPTG©

May 7th, 2014
9:51 am

disco, I’mma answer your question with Button’s situation….Button, you and your “G” seem pretty tight from what you share; if he fell on hard times, and spent up his savings keepin y’all afloat, would you not chip in til he landed a job, or something else came up?

Button

May 7th, 2014
9:54 am

Im on the fence @ hidden money. I feel like this> if you have a partner who spends carefree then you have to take steps to ensure you don’t go broke but if you have a partner who is good with money and spends very wisely then you should’nt have to hide money. Like burying it in the back yard or in the ziploc bag way in the back of the freezer lol

Celisea

May 7th, 2014
9:57 am

Well I had a post on trifling Apollo and him getting the payback he deserved. But I think c0cky got my post eaten. Oh well

SlimNu

May 7th, 2014
9:57 am

Morning,

So Dan are you saying if a chick is making significantly less than you that you would not pursue a serious relationship or marriage with her? Just play around for kicks?

CoolShadow

May 7th, 2014
10:00 am

disco – and I respect your view on “provider in reverse”. There’s a big difference between making more than a man who’s handling his and taking care of a man who’s just looking to be taken care of. In the back of my mind, the only concern about dealing with a woman who makes more money is when she wants to throw it in your face for her convenience.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 7th, 2014
10:00 am

Morning All!!

So much to comment on! Hey Purple, what’s shakin?

Hey Disco!!!

Button – Dating for fun is for high schoolers, I always thought. After that, really why allow even the possibility to get caught up with someone you know you could never see yourself with. I mean, suppose you slip up and get preggers by Fun Boy? Now you’re stuck! I’m so with you on not signing up for struggle! And “golddigger” is relative. This guy I used to know used to call any woman that wasn’t scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel a golddigger. One of my best friends was dating an accountant. He called her a golddigger!!LOL!!!

I agree with Judge Penny, who was on V103 this morning talking about the Apollo situation. She said that mess about trying to keep up with wife is nothing but excuses. He went right back to what he was used to. He was in prison prior for the same thing he’s in trouble for now. Now his 2 kids gotta grow up without a father. Silly rabbit!!

More to come on the topic……

Button

May 7th, 2014
10:00 am

2C- a grown man should have his affairs in order! he should save for the dry season ie fall on hard time like illness or job loss. Also with thru his employer he should have benefits to where if he become ill his he still will get paid under short termed disablitiy plan. It may not be 100% pay but he still will get paid. There shouldn’t be any excuse for him not to be able to carry the household along with me while he get back on his feet outside of illness. Also aflac is a heck of an insurance to look into and have.

Button

May 7th, 2014
10:03 am

disco – I’m all for building weath. See I’m not just looking out for myself but I want to have an inheritance for my kids and hopefully they can pass it down to theirs.

Single and Happy

May 7th, 2014
10:04 am

Disco, wonder twin powers activate, I’m the same way about being comfortable. and sharing, But that usually comes with age, If you marry young, it’s ours, if you marry older and both are established, used to handling their own, it’s more, mine, yours, ours, and most to time ours is put to the side.

disco

May 7th, 2014
10:06 am

Hey kimmie – yep. so many directions this topic can venture into. on the surface money but below the surface: how you make the money, how you spend the money, how you save the money, who gets to control the money, back up plans for when there is a change to the flow of money. then you get to throw gender roles and expectations into the mix and well, we should be able to stay on topic for awhile.

Button – I figured that. a lot folks think that way. I’m on team “momma may have, poppa may have”…. I think far too many people do far too much for their kids (while they are children and while they are adults). If I could manage everything just so I’d spend up everything I had right before I died. try to die “even”. lol.

Celisea

May 7th, 2014
10:07 am

Phaedra is an enabler. She’s made Apollo believe he was entitled. Entitled to a lifestyle SHE earned. Riding her coat tail. Oh, and let’s not forget all out disrespectful!!! She shoulda sat him out with the animals the minute he started smelling himself. She made him believe he was better for her, than she was to him. Pretty ain’t got jack to do with folks making it in the real world. You all that? Then go make that money off your pretty boy face. IJS Cause you got a wanna be cray cray acting chick texting you, you get c0cky? Naw, and again, set him out with the animals. Let him know his place.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking folks that can overlook stuff, cause you’re cute (and who does that but teenagers). Cause I’m telling you, I don’t care how fine you are, you start showing out and openly flirting with other women in my face, can’t respect what I’ve asked you NOT to do?? Um, yeah, hedda been flying solo from that point on. You at the booty club spending Phaedra’s money or some victim’s money and you’re out on the street talking trash? I could go on….

Phaedra…po thang. I’on believe in throwing folks’ past up at them, but if you go there, like he went there…in every way (i.e. flirting, cheating, spending my money, etc etc etc), Imma have to let you know, jailbird, that I’m doing you the favor. So get on and get somewhere.

How you go to prison and come out even more stupid??

Single and Happy

May 7th, 2014
10:07 am

Button, you’re right, that duck is dang good, only problem is if your employer doesn’t offer it, you can’t get it :-(

Celisea

May 7th, 2014
10:13 am

I would think a prison boo would certainly appreciate coming out of shackles to a lavish lifestyle. Shoot, I would think he would be conditioned to stay outta the way, keep the lawn manicured, keep the house clean, tend to the babies while you get your papers in mortuary…lol, be a self made boy toy, etc etc etc.

Naw, you hit the streets and think (on someone else’s dime) all that’s at your fingertips. Mmm hmmm, sticky finga gon have him doing time again. Apollo is a bum.

Purple Reign

May 7th, 2014
10:14 am

Hi kimmie, :) it is finally warming up here!

Slim(9:57), I used to not think that way. But if I somehow ended up divorced and looking to get into a serious realtionship again, she and I would have to be on the same level financially. But if I did get divorced I would never remarry. I’d just date my ex-wife. LOL

Fay

May 7th, 2014
10:16 am

Mornin

I don’t care how much you make as long a you aint asking me for money..lol.

Married life would be mines yours ours scenario…unless I win the lottery then we all living good.

Money is not my gauge on happiness it comes it goes…just be responsible

Single and Happy

May 7th, 2014
10:17 am

Disco, same team, I can understand when they are young, you would want to make sure they are taken care of. but once they get grown, they should be well established by the time I die. Since I’m not married, I’m not worried about a large life insurance policy, just need enough to bury me, and I really need to just go ahead and take care of that now.

disco

May 7th, 2014
10:18 am

Purple – how long have you been married? have you ever lived alone? I ask because I recently had a conversation with a guy who has been married for 30+ years. he went from his parents’ home to a brief stint with a roommate to a wife and has never lived alone. he says he’s positive that if his wife died or left him he’d be remarried within a year. he joked that his church is full of single chicks waiting on married chicks to die. lol.

Purple Reign

May 7th, 2014
10:21 am

disco, I’ve lived alone most of my life. I’ve been married a few years. If I got divorced, I just can’t see myself wanting to be married again to someone else or giving enough of myself to a new person in order for them to even want to be married to me.

2CPTG©

May 7th, 2014
10:30 am

Button, of course one saves for a rainy day….but when the funds run out??? Are you saying you wouldn’t be there to help?

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 7th, 2014
10:31 am

Disco – There was a book out some years ago called “How to Die Broke”. It showed you how to live well, but not leave a lot behind.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 7th, 2014
10:34 am

Cel – Agree with all you said about Apollo!

disco

May 7th, 2014
10:35 am

2C – my wandering mind. you said rainy day and I thought of brandy’s old song “sunny day”. lol. guess I am contrary.

Kimmie – haven’t heard of it but it makes sense to me.

2CPTG©

May 7th, 2014
10:39 am

disco, I’m just perplexed at some of you ladies thinking…..naw, no one signs up for team “struggle,” but just reading y’all, seems as though y’all placing the onus on the dude to carry the burden regardless of any situation or circumstance that arises….you lost your job? sucks to be you….you got laid off? oh well…..you gotta bury a relative? hmph…what you lookin at me for…..your elderly parents are in a bind……them yo folks…..that kinda ish…..

disco

May 7th, 2014
10:43 am

2C – to be fair I did say that a husband (or shacking situation) would have a window of opportunity, albeit relatively small, to get his ish together. the reality is that many men (and women) start off working and contributing and all is well and good and then they have a set back and they have good intentions to get back on track but then they get comfortable, lazy, complacent and stop trying. They figure we’re still eating, we’re still warm. I say don’t give them the opportunity to make it to complacent.