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Do you date grown ups?

Just because you are dating someone in your age group, does not mean they have the same maturity level. One of our readers is facing this dating dilemma right now. She met someone who is only a year younger but when it comes to maturity level, she often thinks she is dating a high schooler!

Have you ever dated someone who seems like they are stuck in adolescence? It can get stressful if you decide to stick around. When you meet someone who struggle with grown up things like a steady job, goals, or even a stable place to live, reality will set in eventually.

I think some people intentionally go for these perpetual teenagers because they are not as intimidating. There is something that draw folks to the free-spirits who are unstable. Deep down they know there is no real future with them so the relationship has an expiration date. Sometimes, a relationship with an expiration date is all some folks can handle.

Do you think it is possible that you intentionally date folks who refuse to grow up? Would you wait around until they got it together? Could you help them mature and find a way to make it work?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

181 comments Add your comment

Lee

May 5th, 2014
7:00 am

Good Morning,

I don’t want to be grown , it truly is not fun at all….I want to go back, had a blast

A free-spirt person to me is someone who does what they want, they do not conform to normal, i do not see that is as unstable… its just a different way of living

People without steady jobs and try and rely on others are BUMS lazy bums …..and there is a major part of the population on welfare and SSI

Im not here to help someone grow up other than my kid.. bums can go kick rocks

Lali

May 5th, 2014
8:15 am

I agree with Lee, I consider a free-spirit someone that lives life on their own terms and usually is never dependent on someone else for their existence because then that would take the freedom out of being a FREE- spirit

As for men who struggle to maintain a job, place to live or simply be independent; I think they lack the life skills and/or innate drive to be independent and were likely raised in circumstances where being completely dependent on welfare and/or others was the norm. The only way you can help someone like this is if they actually want to help themselves.

We are all what we were raised to be, unfortunately some of us were not raised at all…

hazel

May 5th, 2014
8:36 am

I intentionally dated men older than me. I felt that maturity wise we were on the same level plus I wanted someone to help me grow, and not the other way. I would not have patience to wait around for someone to grow up.

Lali

May 5th, 2014
8:40 am

I’m not sure if I understand wisediva’s angle on this one…expecting an adult to be capable of being independent is one thing; but expecting an independent adult to act a certain way is something else

Just because someone does not live the way you live or value what you value does not make them immature…just incompatible

Button

May 5th, 2014
9:24 am

How old is the reader, are they just out of high school? The reader maybe a bit immature herself by the way she is handling her date. Could it be that she’s more hung up on the fact that she’s one year older and using that as a guage to say he’s not on her maturity level? Is his reason and logic on the level of a 5 year old? Does he pout if he can’t get his way? I can only spectulate right now since there’s nothing to go on.

My G is younger and I’ve never seen him do anything immature not that I’m looking but it’s never happen. He’s more grounded than I am so he might be the one saying I’m immature lol

good morning!

Reio

May 5th, 2014
9:25 am

Morning all.

In most instances you won’t know that they are immature until during, or after, the first date. I gather that just based on the many posts I have read here over the years, that I am in the minority on this, but, why give people a second chance? There. Now. I said it. Yes. We meet, arrange a date, go out, and you’re not as mature as me? Haul azz little girl. Sorry. No can do.

But then again, that’s just me. You see something that you dislike enough to cause you to want to end it? Well, end it. Send them on their way. Early. First, second date. Tell’em to hit the road.

A friend of mine and I had this conversation years and years ago. He asked “Why does good for nothing, immature, baby-making, jobless, ambitionless, damn near illiterate azz JoJo think he has a chance with this wonderful, hard working, caring, loving, career woman?”, “Hell, I don’t know. Why?”, “Cause he DOES have a chance with her.” Sad. Sad as hell.

disco

May 5th, 2014
9:36 am

Good morning.

Maturity. I’ll simply say this is one of those “relative” topics. It’s also one of those “it doesn’t apply to me” topics. You can survey randomly and most folks will claim that they are mature. Just like most women insist they are “good women” and most men insist they are “good men”. it’s like we all complain about bad drivers but all insist we are the good drivers, it’s those other jokers messing up the rotation. Maturity or immaturity is going to vary from person to person. if it’s not working for you, leave it alone.

Reio

May 5th, 2014
9:45 am

“….if it’s not working for you, leave it alone.”

Here here disco. I never could understand why some people, men and women, tend to hold on when they know this is not for them. Most of the relationships that I ended, in general, I ended because they lacked the maturity that I wanted. The specifics varied from person to person, but in general, it all boiled down to their respective maturity levels. Nothing wrong with immaturity, if that’s where you are. Just beware, that some people just aren’t buying foolishness and silliness.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 5th, 2014
9:45 am

Hey Disco!!! Give us the lowdown on the cruise!!

2CPTG©

May 5th, 2014
9:47 am

yeah, what Button said.

disco

May 5th, 2014
9:50 am

Hey kimmie!!!! – sorry but I’m still detoxing. we’ll just say a sister’s nerves were shook. lol. bright side, I’m starting to plan my next trip “sans” toddlers.

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
9:58 am

Hello all

Welcome back Disco

This just sounds like he’s not the one for her, she needs to stop trying to make him over and move on to someone more suited for her.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 5th, 2014
10:00 am

On topic – You guys are saying if it’s not working leave it alone and yes I agree. But that’s just it – Wise said some folks go into situations that they know are not going to work, those that they know have an expiration date. They knew going in these folks were not on their level, that they were immature.

There is something that draw folks to the free-spirits who are unstable – Wise qualifies these PARTICULAR free spirits that are unstable, she didn’t say ALL free-spirits are unstable.

I do believe some folks go for these types because they are less intimidating. They themselves can’t handle someone that truly has it together. True, age doesn’t necessarily indicate maturity level, but it’s safe to say a person 19 is not going to be on the same level as a 40 year old, yet plenty folks love to rob the cradle. AND there are some 40 year olds that don’t have much more going for themselves than the average 19 year old, so maybe they are actually being smart by choosing someone whose head is closer to where theirs actually is, maturity-wise!

When dating, I always looked for guys near my age, especially when I was younger. Maturity wise I felt I was where one should be at the age I was, especially when it came to major life things. I didn’t want or need another daddy. At the same time, I liked to clown and be a little silly. I didn’t need some granddaddy shushing me & stifling my fun.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 5th, 2014
10:02 am

OKay Disco, I understand. Welcome back, tho, it ain’t the same around here withoutcha!!!!

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
10:08 am

Kimmie, I hope that those folks that go into it knowing don’t complain about it later. I have co-worker who’s 51 and married a 24 year old, now is complaining about her maturity level, and her sexual needs. WTH

disco

May 5th, 2014
10:09 am

Kimmie – re age and maturity level. I’m sure some folks actively seek “younger and dumber” so that they can feel “older and wiser” when the reality is they probably fall into the “old fool” variety. lol. immature (to me) is one of those words folks like to throw out there about other folks so they can feel better about themselves.

Kimmie – a friend called yesterday and asked if he could stop by. I said yes. he gets there and commences to talking. I’m like no. shut it up. be quiet. I’m detoxing. Meanwhile dude is steady trying to engage me in conversation. what part of I’m trying to soak up all this peace and quiet don’t you understand. Needless to say his visit was quite short. dude has issues with quiet time. lol.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

May 5th, 2014
10:11 am

I’m starting to plan my next trip “sans” toddlers.

:shock:

Detox on…my sista…

Would you wait around until they got it together? Could you help them mature and find a way to make it work?

NO I’m not waiting around for anyone to get their isht together….so while they’re “getting it together” I’m not going to sit around pining away wishing things were different…what a huge waste of time.

If we’re not equally yolked then I want the closest thing to it…

I’ve seen too many men and women stick around hoping and a- wishing their mate were different/better/more mature…then when it finally does happen…POOF!! They’ve gone to on another person that reaps the benefit of your patience/effort/work/etc…

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
10:12 am

Um disco, if you wanted quiet time, why did you say he could come by.

SlimNu

May 5th, 2014
10:12 am

Guuuuud mertnin :-D

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
10:14 am

2CPTG©

May 5th, 2014
10:15 am

that’s what I was thinking, Single….why invite him over if you wanna have your quiet time?

disco

May 5th, 2014
10:18 am

Single (and 2C) – he can come by and sit there QUIETLY. He was (supposed to be – lol) reading the paper but trying to read the paper and talk to me at the same time. I offered him the remote so he could find a game to watch but he wants to talk to me. I cooked yesterday. offered him a plate so he could sit and eat QUIETLY. lol. dude knows me. he knows sometimes I just don’t talk. he’s been around me during “quiet time” before. thing is, he’s one of those people that is uncomfortable with silence.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

May 5th, 2014
10:20 am

why invite him over if you wanna have your quiet time?

True…I mean usually…well sometimes…there is a chance that a person might actually want to talk to you while they’re visiting with you.

IJS..

SlimNu

May 5th, 2014
10:21 am

sitting in the office with my shades on lolol Let me try to catch up…

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
10:23 am

Disco, so children should be seen not heard during grown up time (LOL)

disco

May 5th, 2014
10:26 am

Sassy – I’m funny acting. Folks who know me, know this. they know that I’m comfortable with quiet. I can sit long periods of time with no tv, no radio, no conversation, no noise whatsoever. I’m good. he didn’t have jack to talk about. if he did, he could have said it on the phone. the conversation he was trying to strike up wasn’t about nothing. I had to shut that down. by asking to come over (not being invited) he was asking to enter into my space “as is”. sit here, be quiet, bask in my presence or get your yappin azz up and go home. lol.

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
10:28 am

So disco, he wasn’t mature enough to realize on the phone that you didn’t want to talk (LOL)

disco

May 5th, 2014
10:31 am

Single – you brought maturity into this. not me. frankly I thought he had a pretty good set up. food, a game, the paper, no nagging or interruptions from me. As a man, do you see a problem with that scenario? lol.

So…. what’s been going on around here?

2CPTG©

May 5th, 2014
10:33 am

“sit here, be quiet, bask in my presence or get your yappin azz up and go home.”

ok, this must be the part where that “fye azz…..friendship” comes into play….

DuShawn

May 5th, 2014
10:33 am

“a steady job, goals, or even a stable place to live,” That’s not being immature….that’s irresponsible…..Now immature are the chicks I was hanging with this weekend….pissin outside behind the Hilton, grindin on each other, dancing wild in the hood club, walking on the table in Waffle House….They was straight clownin…..but dayum they was fun to hang out with.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 5th, 2014
10:34 am

Single – Your 10:08, see that’s what kills me about some folk. You knew good and well exactly what you were getting into. Miss me with the complaining. Sound like he’s just as immature as she is. Thing is, he probably could not handle a woman his age that’s got it together so he got that youngin that could easily be his daughter. He probably can’t keep up!!LOL!!!

SlimNu

May 5th, 2014
10:36 am

Singe – What is up with dudes complaining about a chicks sexual needs/drive???

Did ya’ll ever go to Old School Saturday and how was it??

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

May 5th, 2014
10:42 am

Did ya’ll ever go to Old School Saturday and how was it??

~Slim–I went and even though it was in Dunwoody…isht was crazy packed but not out of control packed. I had a good time…I’m sure the ones that are going to be Downtown are going to be on fiyah!!

The next one is Memorial Day weekend but I don’t know which hotel it’s going to be at..I think either the Sheraton or Hyatt…

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
10:43 am

Disco, for me yea, but I would have took the hint on the phone (LOL) If I wanted to “watch the game, or read the paper” I would stay at home :-)

Kimmie, he wanted someone he could control, she’s from the Philippines, and they only meet once before she came here and they got married. She flipped the script on him (LOL) He doesn’t exercise or anything else

Slim I wouldn’t know anything about that problem (LOL)

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 5th, 2014
10:43 am

Disco – Either way, I just don’t think it was a good idea to say he could come over, but that’s just me. You say he knows you and how you are. Well, you know him too. You know he’s uncomfortable with silence.

Shrugs!! :lol:

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 5th, 2014
10:47 am

Single – She didn’t flip the script, she’s just being herself. He would have known that if he’d taken the time to get to know her, but I guess you don’t do that with mail order brides. That has “control” written all over it! But I rest my case – dude can’t handle these American women his own age that have it together. Stupid.

LOL!!!

2CPTG©

May 5th, 2014
10:51 am

a 51 year old man know damn well he can’t keep up with a 24 year old gal……the laws of nature ain’t havin it…..contrarily, a 24 year old dude would be a match made in heaven for a 51 year old woman…..

speaking of which, there’s a 50 something year old lady who lives around the corner from me; She was the corp trainer where I worked at my first job outta college; I had a thing for her then, but she was married at the time….when I tell you this lady looks every bit of 35, and with an ass like whoa…I finally admitted to her that I had a thing for her then, and prolly moreso now, she just smiled…and was quite thrilled with the compliment…..but man, this lady is fine as hell…..

disco

May 5th, 2014
10:53 am

Kimmie – I told him I didn’t care if he came over or not (lol – come on, y’all know me). of course he tries to use that “do you want me to come over” line but I never, ever say yes. I always say I don’t care. come if you want, don’t come if you don’t want. makes me no never mind. lol. then talking about nothing. I asked him why he didn’t get all that out at the barbershop on Saturday. ain’t that what guys do at the barbershop? Talk about nothing? lol.

disco

May 5th, 2014
10:53 am

2C – in my youth it was pretty standard to keep an oldhead in the cut. Now that I’m older I think I need some oldhead repellent.

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
10:55 am

Kimmie, yea yea yea, I’ve heard that before (LOL)

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
10:57 am

2C speak for yourself (LOL) from what these young women are telling me these days, the young men can’t keep up, its a new sorry generation

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 5th, 2014
11:00 am

Disco – That is one phrase I don’t allow in my house from my kids “I don’t care”!! You give me a definite answer one way or the other. Be sure. Take ownership for you decisions and don’t try to put them off on others, especially when the outcome is not ideal. The buck stops with YOU, I tell them.

But your friend knows how you are! :)

Leggs

May 5th, 2014
11:00 am

Just because you are dating someone in your age group, does not mean they have the same maturity level. I’m here to give a resounding NO!!!!

I’ve been disappointed dearly with the last two guys. Such foolishness at my age is unacceptable and will not be tolerated! As my blog sister would say….miss me with that (isht!)

disco

May 5th, 2014
11:02 am

Kimmie – re “I don’t care”. in my case, that’s that girl game at work. these jokers want you to want them, they want you to need them, they want you to sweat them. I come off real blasé in my dealings. It works. lol. guess I’m kind of like reio in that regard. You know how he says this, that and the other ain’t ish.

Fay

May 5th, 2014
11:04 am

Mornin

I have dated a variety ..I have had more maturity problems with older guys honestly!

SlimNu

May 5th, 2014
11:06 am

Sassy – Did you see any of the other blog peeps there?

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
11:06 am

Leggs I’ve had women hit me with that “at your age” speech, and usually they are women that want to get with me, and don’t understand I don’t want to be with them. What foolishness did they exhibit?

DuShawn

May 5th, 2014
11:07 am

I can’t imagine what would make a dude subject himself to the inevitable abuse that accompanies visiting disco….Dayum that friendship gotta be fiya! I mean…what’s the thought process in that decision….”Aight, I know she ain’t shakin nuthin….I know she gone be talkin cash shid….and she gone treat me like she don’t want me there….well, Imma fall thru anyway”

2CPTG©

May 5th, 2014
11:08 am

“the young men can’t keep up, its a new sorry generation”

Single, I’m hearing that alot, too….these young cats takin viagra for the hell of it, and it’s messing with their natural process…I’ve literally been in the convenience store and saw cats in their mid 20’s bying those after market “all night” pills, and I’m like, for what…..but oh well, more coochie for me….

Single & Happy

May 5th, 2014
11:12 am

2c I was in starship one night, and these guys were talking, one said “man if you put this on your junk it will stay up all night”. They look to be in their late teens to early 20s. I was like at your guys age all I need to keep it up all night was a woman willing to do it all night (LOL)