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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Skeletons in the closet

Have you ever met someone great, thought you two had potential as a couple, and then they revealed surprising news? It’s a tricky thing to navigate when you have already invested time and emotions. What do you do when something from their past comes out and it’s a doozy!

My friend Vanessa found out that her new man has a criminal past. Most of it happened when he was a juvenile but she is disappointed that he waited so long to tell her about it. I kind of get why he didn’t lead with this information right away. When it comes to letting those skeletons out the closet, it’s important to put the past in the right context. Lying by omission, leaving out vital details, or downplaying things is not helpful.

I think you gain credibility with your partner if you cop to the skeletons sooner rather than later. Have you had to deal with a surprising detail about your date’s past? Did it change your perception of them at all?

Happy Thursday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

103 comments Add your comment

Lee

May 1st, 2014
7:05 am

Good Morning,

When did it happen? I mean if happened 20 or 30 years ago it would not matter to me, well unless they killed someone or it was rape and they just got out of jail in the last several years… who cares if someone was mislead in ones youth and 20 years has passed and for a long time that has not been their behavior. I dont find it relevant unless it was in the last 10 years or it was violent

And what grown person starts talking about their life as a child right off the bat, what is happening today is more important…

When i was under 5 years old i made mud pies and don’t tell anyone but i tasted them, ya the mud pie tasted like dirt i needed milk to wash it down, but i was a big girl at the time so i was able to pour the milk into the glass all by myself.

Button

May 1st, 2014
8:28 am

Vanessa’s new man is a career criminal that spans from adolecent to adulthood. That is something he should’ve said early on.

We all have a past, I expect something shaddy bc I’v done some shaddy things too and no I will not tell any man even my husband everything that I’ve done. Shaddy can be stealing money from the collection plate in church to taking towels from the hotel room. lol

good morning!

Button

May 1st, 2014
8:34 am

Have you had to deal with a surprising detail about your date’s past? no, we lol it off and move on, it’s the past for pete’s sake. Now if he said he did a jeffery dahmer or charlie manson then I know I would run for my life but anything that’s not murder related it can be forgiven and looked pass. Now if he said he used to be gay or a cross dresser then I might have to let the romance go but keep him as a dear friend.

Coach

May 1st, 2014
8:39 am

Everyone get a story. I am confident that a person always shows their trueselves. The Aesop Fable the donkey in Lion Skin shares these same sentiments. Donkey put on the lion skin and every animal ran away, Donkey become so pleased that it brayed loudly. One of the animals said “Oh there you are Donkey, you had us fooled for a minute”. Anywho Good Good Morning to all.

Single & Happy

May 1st, 2014
8:46 am

Hello all, unless your past can affect our future, then I don’t need to know.

Button

May 1st, 2014
9:10 am

Single -unless your past can affect our future……. do you mean being a fugitive? I was watching this documentary about this woman who was on the run for over 30 years. she started a new family, the whole nine. I can’t remember her crime, I think it was robbery or fraud. her family was devasted by her living a lie for all those years, Her husband divorced her and all but one of her kids kept in contact with her.

Single & Happy

May 1st, 2014
9:25 am

button yep, something like that, or you can never leave the country, never get a drivers licence

Fay

May 1st, 2014
9:27 am

Mornin

My past aint pretty….

I want to know…not to condemn but to understand. No surprises about someone’s past as of yet. All that matters is who you are now so perception would not change.

SlimNu

May 1st, 2014
9:29 am

Good morning, (TGTIMF) Thank Goodness today is my Friday :-)

Reio

May 1st, 2014
9:35 am

Morning all.

I would have not even waited for the first date, I would have told her over the phone, during our first conversation. Why wait? I’m a man. My past is my past. And a criminal record is something she should know about, since that could effect me for the remainder of my days, and thus, HER, for the remainder of our relationship. Always hold your head up. Stand straight and tall. Admit your errors, when appropriate, and do the right thing. But, that’s just me.

A good woman will appreciate your honesty. Might not want to have anything to do wit-cho stankin azz, but at least you will know why. And in the event that she agrees to see you, knowing about your past, you will know that she’s willing to give you a chance; Your previous transgressions notwithstanding.

SlimNu

May 1st, 2014
9:37 am

Do we really have to use a first date as a confessional of all the stupid ish we did as a kid or young adult????

Single & Happy

May 1st, 2014
9:39 am

slim to each his own

2CPTG©

May 1st, 2014
9:42 am

as long as you’ve been a female your entire life, I’m good with pretty much anything else (except crimes pertaining to children)……you murdered someone? really? did he deserve it? you robbed a bank? wow, were you able to keep any of it? you’re a former Russian spy….whoa…so you know some pretty cool tricks then huh?

If nothing else, we’d have a lot to talk about…

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 1st, 2014
10:00 am

Morning Gang!!

On topic – Wise said this was Vanessa’s “new” man. But yet she’s disappointed that he “waited so long” to tell her about his criminal youth. My question is how long are we talking here that he waited to tell her? I’m with you Slim, can’t we have one or 2 dates before we have to visit the confessional booth? I may decide I can’t trust you with my info or not be planning on taking things much further than a few dates. I have to have some level of trust built up before I confess a past that may affect the future. And even though people have mentioned things like as long as it’s not murder or rape or child crimes they may be understanding, more than major things like that can affect ones future. If it was in his youth, are his records sealed? Otherwise, even minor transgressions can affect ones ability to get a job. Still, all this sound like info to be shared once you feel comfortable with someone.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 1st, 2014
10:24 am

Guess it’s gonna be another one of those blog days….sigh…guess that’s a sign I need to get to work. :(

2CPTG©

May 1st, 2014
10:26 am

kimmie, there’s only 3 of us here…..whatcha wanna talk about?

Leggs

May 1st, 2014
10:45 am

My skeletons are hanging where they should be…no revealing since nothing is life threatening, no criminal past, nothing earth shattering. I’ll let then clank in that dark, damp closet all by themselves.

Good morning.

Celisea

May 1st, 2014
10:54 am

Vanessa is bothered by something in his childhood…and the fact that he didn’t go back umpteen years and dish? Ummm, okay..I guess. Silly rabbit, we all have had naughty experiences. Children are naughty by nature That could range from stealing from the corner store to stealing from the cookie jar. C’mon folks need to learn how to categorically place what’s important and matters, versus not.

What are skeletons? Skeletons to whom? I guess to those folks who’s mantra is I’m a guud person….that one just kills me…lolololol Alright then guudy guudy, do you. lol

This topic has been recycled a gazillion times, with the general concensus being folks have skeletons. Well, I don’t….I don’t have skeletons, I have experiences. I haven’t been nor am I perfect, but I couldn’t be where I am today, had it not been for the journey. And I dang shole ain’t explaining to another made up just like me (i.e. human). Bump what anybody thinks of whatever I’ve done…good or bad. Yeah, wait for it.

In essence, we have all lived and experienced and (hopefully) learned a thing or two. No way none of us could be where we are today and our lives shaped for the better, had it not been for past experiences. You don’t know right unless you’ve experienced wrong, up until you’ve been down, the guud, unless you’ve experienced the bad.

If folks stop holding folks to a standard that only Jesus Christ the Righteous has attained, then we’d all do better. Don’t compare me to you nor your goodness and alllll the things you wouldn’t say nor do. Please….let’s not do that. Or, don’t compare me to the crap you’ve done either.

I think buddy should show Vanessa the door. He didn’t lie, he just didn’t tell her. He’s not obligated. He’s obligated and accountable for the here and now, how he deals with her.

Celisea

May 1st, 2014
10:56 am

2CPTG©

May 1st, 2014
11:12 am

woman, thou art loosed.

Bluzgirl

May 1st, 2014
11:13 am

Morning All! Slow blog day again? Where are all the trouble makers? ;-)

It’s a a “depends”…like kimmie said, no need to tell all in the first couple of dates because you don’t even know if either party is interested in each other.

I’m very honest about some of my skeletons because they do affect my every day life and can in turn affect my partners life. (should that be effect?) Then again…maybe I shouldn’t even call it a skeleton…it’s just me….

Bluzgirl

May 1st, 2014
11:14 am

And EVERYONE has skeletons…no matter how much they try to say they don’t

Celisea

May 1st, 2014
11:20 am

I DON’T HAVE SKELETONS!! No matter what YOU say. Unless you’re God, miss me with that mess!

DuShawn

May 1st, 2014
11:25 am

I once dated this woman that had a younger sister with special needs. Later, she confessed that the little sister was actually her daughter….
Why lie when the truth will do.

DuShawn

May 1st, 2014
11:27 am

Skeletons…….I gotta a grave yard full.

Bluzgirl

May 1st, 2014
11:45 am

Where is the Blog Boss these days? I was away a couple of days, so she probably said where she would be. She’s good at keeping the convo going

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 1st, 2014
11:47 am

Dushawn – I meant to tell you – your post the other day about all you & your wife had been thru together and how she was your partner for life – that was beautiful. I think about facing things like that with my hubs. It really makes alot of the things we debate on here seem petty, which in the bigger scheme of things, they are.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 1st, 2014
11:52 am

Bluz – She went on a trip, I forgot where.

SlimNu

May 1st, 2014
12:02 pm

Dushawn – There are a lot of stories like that….I have an uncle that was raised by his grandmother and had one sister, or so he thought. Later on down the road he found out his sister was actually his mom. She had him when she was quite young. Then my cousin thought her dad was really her dad…when in actuality her real dad lived in Cali. She found out the dad that raised her and is married to her mother is not her bio…she never met her real dad bc he died before they told her

Leggs

May 1st, 2014
12:05 pm

Bluz ~ “affect” is correct.

Bluz ~ she’s on a cruise with her girlfriends. Waiting to see how she fared with them and if she tried to throw anyone overboard.

Bluzgirl

May 1st, 2014
12:07 pm

Leggs – Thank you! I always get affect/effect confused! Lol

Good for disco! I knew the trip was coming up, but didn’t know when…

Leggs

May 1st, 2014
12:10 pm

SlimNu ~ I hate stores like your uncle’s story. Reading that pained me so because I can only imagine the hurt/betrayal he may have felt. I think to this day, I still harbor ill wishes toward my sister for sending my only niece to live with her paternal grandmother when she was a toddler because she wasn’t ready to stop partying and hanging in the streets. Decades later, I still get pissed thinking about it. I don’t understand why people have babies if they have no intention of taking care of them. My road was rough too, but I wouldn’t let another rear up my child. That watch was given to me and I take it very seriously. Too bad so many don’t….

2CPTG©

May 1st, 2014
12:11 pm

Slim, re stories witheld…..yeah, the older generation kept alot of stuff under wraps…..your Uncle is really your Dad…or, your cousin is really your brother, or sister….them old folks had some sho nuff skeletons…

DuShawn

May 1st, 2014
12:13 pm

Thanks Kimmie….we had a raw night last night too. About 1:00am we having drinks, eating snow crabs and listening to spoken word artist. I’m skillful with the seafood, so I’d crack them, take out the meat and feed it to her….them chicks in there took notice to that….we was stuntin.

2CPTG©

May 1st, 2014
12:15 pm

Leggs, yeah I hate mess like that too….chic says she has x amount of kids, but ain’t nann one of ‘em living with her, cause she done pawned ‘em off on gram’ma……but she’s the one getting the support check…..GTFOH!

Leggs

May 1st, 2014
12:16 pm

Bluz ~ if you want something to be bring about a result,” have a sense of an accomplishment, use “effect.” If you want something to alter, change, has an emotion behind it, use “affect.”

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 1st, 2014
12:18 pm

Du – We want to be you & your wife when we grow up!LOL!!

Dang, I need a night out. Hubs gon have to plan a little something for the 2 of us this weekend!

SlimNu

May 1st, 2014
12:19 pm

Leggs/2C – Yeah, I guess they all wanted to keep up some sort of appearance. Or maybe they felt it would be better for the child to lie about who their real parents are…I can only imagine feeling resentful after finding out especially if I never got to meet the real parent.

SlimNu

May 1st, 2014
12:20 pm

2C – If she’s not giving that support check to the g’ma, she needs her arse whooped!!!

Leggs

May 1st, 2014
12:24 pm

“We want to be you & your wife when we grow up!LOL!!” – Yes, we do!

I get a big kick out of reading your stories, DuShawn! And yes, your story about you and your wife, your bleaked days and the highest highs made me smile. Glad you found the perfect mate to complement YOU!

2CPTG©

May 1st, 2014
12:27 pm

gotta scenario for ya….one of my kinfolk dealing with this right now…..found out he has a daughter, who’s grown now, from a fling in college; he was hesistant about taking the paternity test, but did so anyways….mind you, my folks has never laid eyes on his daughter, but yet, once he found out about her, he attempted to start some type of relationship….dude told me that his daughter, whom, for all practical purposes, is a stranger to him, had the nerve to get disrepectful toward him, and demand he send her money on a regular basis….my dawg said he damned near cursed her out….said he told her, “look, I don’t owe you squat…hell, I just found out about you, and truth be told, we’re strangers to one another! you don’t know me from Adam, and got some nerves telling me what I better do…” Cuz said he ain’t spoken to her again since…..

SlimNu

May 1st, 2014
12:32 pm

2C – She should be mad at her mother for not letting her real dad know about her YEARS ago….anger displacement.

Leggs

May 1st, 2014
12:32 pm

2C ~ frankly, I think he responded rather well to her demand! How dare she.

2CPTG©

May 1st, 2014
12:35 pm

Slim/Leggs, I said the exact same thing….kinfolk told me that the mother even had another dude’s name on the birth cert….said she “had an idea” long ago, but never acted on it….but now that the daughter is in college, and she “heard” my cuz was doing fairly well, she decided to look him up….funny as hell how he said she found him….

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

May 1st, 2014
12:36 pm

2C – That’s jacked up. Like forget you found your blood, your daddy, all he’s good for is an ATM.

YesSheIsCute

May 1st, 2014
12:39 pm

Hey everyone!

That happened. I found out an ex had mental health problems after I already moved in. He didn’t tell me, he came home and had an episode in which he was very belligerent bordering on violent (an eat the cake Anna Mae situation). So that definitely was not a way to find out. Should have been told before I moved in. Stuff like that needs to be told upfront.

Bluzgirl

May 1st, 2014
12:40 pm

I worry about what will happen when my nephew realizes that my brother is not his biological father. There was one instance where it was mentioned, but he seemed to not be ready to talk about it. My brother met his ex while she was pregnant, so he is the only father. Bio dad left as soon as she got pregnant and has never been heard from again.

Bluzgirl

May 1st, 2014
12:41 pm

Yes – That’s a reason I’m open and honest about my mental health…I’ll tell a guy how to react if certain things happen. Luckily, I’m on the right meds, so it’s few and far between that I have any kind of episode…

DuShawn

May 1st, 2014
12:45 pm

“We want to be you & your wife when we grow up!” Be careful what you wish for. I dropped two hundred bucks last night….got home and tried to get it in, her period on…..hit me with the “just hold me”……If idda known that, we would of gone to Applebee’s, got the two for twenty and back home so I could watch the playoffs….she tricked me.

2CPTG©

May 1st, 2014
12:46 pm

my baby-girl is not my bio, but she’s been calling me Daddy since she was 2 years old, so “I’ll be that!”….and me and her mom’s been divorced for almost 15 years now, and I’m still Daddy…..she knows the scoop, but I’m still Daddy…her bio, she calls him by his bio!!!!