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Don’t try to change me

My friend Isaac has ended another short-lived romance with a young woman recently. This is the second girlfriend he has had in the last year and he believes the problem is with them, not him. Isaac is really set in his ways and starts to feel uneasy when a woman tries to “improve” something or ask him to change.

I believe relationships are about compromise, but do you think it is fair to heap a bunch of unrealistic expectations on someone you date? Isn’t it easier to just go find the person you really want instead of “building” the ideal match from “as-is” material people?

I think asking a man to change can become a deal breaker for a lot of men. If a guy can’t be his true self, his comfort level with a woman drops dramatically. Ladies, would you say that you feel the same way?
Would it bother you if the person you were seeing tried to make you into someone else as part of some fantasy?

What would you do if they ask you to change something small?

By Wise Diva

Happy Friday!

223 comments Add your comment

Lee

April 25th, 2014
7:14 am

Good morning,

Several weeks back i was talking with a g/f and she was complaining about her hubs, after she was done , i stated to her he did that when you were just dating , she goes “i know i was hoping he would change”. Well he is not going to change, most behaviors intensified as one gets older, the crazy get crazier , the lazy get vegie-ized , etc

Some do change but change comes from within ones self, could be due from experiences from life etc. but if you try and change someone they will only resent you, believe them who they say they are and by what they do or do not do. Learn to either except it or move on….

Im not changing anything , unless it is my plan to change it

tgif woohoo

Celisea

April 25th, 2014
7:36 am

To some degree, we’re all set in our ways. Unless you’re 15, then likely you like things about yourself just the way they are. As much as folks, especially men, like to believe “it’s my way or no way”, sometimes “your way” just might not be a good fit..,,,for no one but you. For me, it comes down to is “his way” tolerable? At some point we all know this. Not only about ourselves ( if you aren’t delusiona), butl about our SO. That is if you’re having “late” romances or find yourself back on the market.

The only time one wouldn’t run into this sort of issue is when you marry young and the both of you have yet to be shaped.

But, for me, like I said the other day, it make things easier when there is common ground between us two. It helps to bridge differences or those areas where you’re digging your heels or can’t find room to dern overhaul….lol. Cause for me, there are areas where I will NOT budge. Guud dudes though “get” having principles and morals, soooo that covers it for me. Everything else is petty. We work through that. And vice versa, guud women, untainted ate hard to come by. I find that to be appreciated over petty differences.

Celisea

April 25th, 2014
7:57 am

Isaac, you don’t have to dismiss your woman. Cop a squat and let her know whatever it is she’s asking you to change ain’t happening….but you wanna work it out. If not, you’ll be having auditions every other week….lol

I remember when Derek stopped calling me. Word got back that he said I tried to change him. Ummm, I had two dates and a few phone calls. That second date was at his house (shut up, I knew him). He cooked dinner, poured the wine and put on Chante Moore. I was what, 21 or so? Naw, wasn’t nothing going down. I got outta there. And ummm if that’s changing you, then so be it. I always HIGHLY admired him….til that time. He was handsome as heck, but not enough for me to give it up. I lost a bit of respect for him. Not once did I suggest or ask him to do a dern thing. See how folks will lie on you???

Me and the kid’s dad hung out with him and his wife a few years down the road. Talk about a HOT MESS! They fought like cats and dogs, they’re baby died at two (always said the Lord removed him from their mess), Derek stopped going home….she’d call around looking for him, and he went back to Denise, the chick we was hot and heavy with prior to his wife. Rumor was she was a jump off and got pregnant. She packed allllll her stuff, moved from Alabama and moved in!!! Guess she said JACKPOT! They eventually divorced and he went back ti Denise. Well he went back whilebstill married. I never saw him the same. I think I dodged a bullet, after watching him and his wife carry on something awful.

One thing I’ve not been able to do is hang out or date filthy disrespectful dudes. Don’t get me wrong, a man’s man yes, but some ole nasty, filthy, women ain’t nothing type?? MISS ME THAT! No compromise there!!!

Celisea

April 25th, 2014
7:59 am

Ut oh, I’m doing it again….talking ti maself…lol

Gotta run….tooooodddllleesssss!!!!

Celisea

April 25th, 2014
8:01 am

Please pardon my typos :)

Button

April 25th, 2014
8:27 am

Nothing wrong with asking your mate to change somethings about his/herself esp if it’s for the betterment of the relationship. Small changes have made huge improvements to some folks from fashion to hygiene to even the way they think.

Good morning!

DuShawn

April 25th, 2014
8:52 am

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

disco

April 25th, 2014
8:57 am

Good morning (again – lol)

Dang blog monster jacking me at the crack of dawn and I ain’t even said nothing wrong. just said you need to accept folks as they are and if someone expects me to change they can get to stepping.

How’s that blog monster?

hazel

April 25th, 2014
8:57 am

I am okay with small changes, and even some big ones. Positive ones. If he is trying to help me, help us in a positive way ..then why not? Trying to say..oh I’m too grown for a change is actually a negative attitude. Things are always changing around us and we have to change to adapt to those changes. otherwise you will be left behind, single or whatever.
@Button – I like what you said.

Bluzgirl

April 25th, 2014
9:02 am

Morning!

I definitely learned that you cannot start dating someone because of their potential. My neighbor (not the cutie pie) and I have talked about this a lot lately because the girl he was seeing was really trying to change him. We are who we are. You either accept the person or keep it moving.

disco

April 25th, 2014
9:07 am

Hazel – in my post that got jacked I indicated that change in and of itself is inevitable. The problem is when you start picking an individual apart and trying to change the characteristics that make them an individual. sometimes it starts off small. Maybe you want them to change their hairstyle or hair color. Maybe you start suggesting wardrobe changes because you don’t like how they dress. Maybe you try turning them on to different music because you don’t like what they listen to. any of these things alone is no big deal but if ultimately you are trying to re-create the person, that’s a big problem. and while few admit it, many do try to re-create the person. they try to “clean them up” to show them off to friends/family/co-workers because the reality is that they aren’t really happy with the person that is. they want the person they think they can become.

Hey bluz!!!!

Bluzgirl

April 25th, 2014
9:08 am

Hey disco!!! I see you and I are on the same page this morning with this topic

hazel

April 25th, 2014
9:13 am

I guess it is an individual opinion. I’m not a weak person, but also try to look at the positives in a change. I think it also depends on other person trying to make changes in you. Are they secure, are they coming from a good place and are they trying to help you. I didn’t work out, work out now. I did listen to some rap here and there..don’t listen to it now. I didn’t eat healthy, I do now. I wasn’t into politics..am now. These were the changes my husband influenced. I think im a better person..inside out. He ate meat all the time, now he rarely does. He wasn’t a ppl person, is now. He didn’t really drink, but drinks sometimes now. I influenced those changes. I am a new person and Im happy with me.

Bluzgirl

April 25th, 2014
9:15 am

hazel – I see what you’re saying. I guess those are all natural changes as you grow in a relationship. It’s nothing that someone tried to impose on you.

disco

April 25th, 2014
9:17 am

Hazel – I agree. It can be perspective. If you truly believe the other person has your best interest at heart then embrace the changes they attempt to bring about in you. the key, though, has to be that they are changes that you are wanting/willing to make for yourself. if someone is trying to change something about you that you are not cool with then you have a problem. it’s like peer pressure. come on and hit this. lol. the choice to change is yours.

hazel

April 25th, 2014
9:26 am

true. Now we both are from different continents, different ethnicities and different religion. If he tried to change my religion.. “then we do gots a problem” . lol

Button

April 25th, 2014
9:29 am

Hazel – Hi, I like what you said as well :)

Single & Happy

April 25th, 2014
9:37 am

Don’t go changing, trying to please me
You never let me down before
I don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore
I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you just the way you are

When you take the time to get to know someone, you either take them the way they are, or you move on to someone more suited for you. If the change they make is only for you, they will change back and it won’t be pretty when they do.

Hello everyone

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 25th, 2014
9:43 am

Morning Gang & Happy Friday!

I get that you should accept a person as they are, yada yada yada. But in Isaac’s case and a lot of others, are these people really trying to “change” you or show you something else? To explain, I once dated a guy that used that “don’t try to change me” as a copout for anything that wasn’t his idea. We had planned to order dinner from this takeout place the next evening. I suggested instead of eating at the kitchen table we instead eat in front of the fireplace and have an indoor picnic. He agreed.

When I got over to his place the next evening he had the food and had already started eating at the kitchen table. I asked him what about what we talked about yesterday. He said he decided he didn’t want to do it and didn’t need me trying to change him. :shock: I quietly ate my food and then left, didn’t even give dude a kiss goodbye much less anything else.

I say that to say, some dudes, in my experience, are really on edge about not wanting some woman to change them. So much that even suggesting they try a different food or watch a different tv show or anything is akin to some woman trying to “tweak” them. That’s fine, stay set in your ways old man.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

April 25th, 2014
9:44 am

Would it bother you if the person you were seeing tried to make you into someone else as part of some fantasy?

It’s not me they want, it would be whatever fantasy they’re trying to create…so why would I want to stay in a situation like that.

As it’s been stated and reiterated, if a person changes for the better then yes I think it could be a good thing but if the changes one is being asked to make are over bearing and unrealistic then it’s definitely a no go.

But sometimes it’s like: You either love me or leave me alone —Tupac Amaru Shakur

Single & Happy

April 25th, 2014
9:44 am

The only time I tell someone to change something about them is because they are complaining about it. Any change in my life has to be for me and no one else.

Du’s statement said it best.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 25th, 2014
9:45 am

Single – I LOVE that song!! It almost brings tears to my eyes!

Single & Happy

April 25th, 2014
9:46 am

Kimmie, at least he showed you who he was :-)

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 25th, 2014
9:46 am

The only time I tell someone to change something about them is because they are complaining about it.

Single – Bingo!

disco

April 25th, 2014
9:48 am

I agree. Change for yourself is all good. change just to try to please someone else is more than likely some bull. I see it often with both men and women. He or she likes this so I do this even though I don’t really like it. sure, some might try to mask it under the category of compromise but you have to determine what it really is that you are doing or giving up. if you are selling yourself out, it’s not compromise but game and you are being played.

Hey kimmie!!!

S’up single? Sassy?

Single & Happy

April 25th, 2014
9:48 am

I’m sending this one out to kimmie luv you girl (LOL)

I never take anything for granted
Only a fool maybe takes things for granted
Just because it’s here today
It can be gone tomorrow
And that’s one thing that you
Never in your life ever have to worry about me
If I’ll ever change towards you because
Baby I love you
Yeah I love you
Just the way you are

Don’t go changing, trying to please me
You never let me down before
I don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore
I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you just the way you are

Don’t go trying some new fashion
Don’t change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don’t want clever conversation
I don’t want to work that hard
I just want some someone to talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that’s forever
And this I promise from my heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

Button

April 25th, 2014
9:51 am

Life don’t give a darn it will change you whether you like/accept/want it or not.

Bluzgirl

April 25th, 2014
9:52 am

I have attempted to change for someone else and ended up being unhappy…

The best change I made in a relationship was going to therapy. I started going to learn how to deal with his BS…I ended knowing that I didn’t have to deal with it and got away from it!

Single & Happy

April 25th, 2014
9:52 am

Hey disco

Eating in front of the fire place instead of at the table, that’s just doing something different

telling me to stop wearing jeans and sneakers and start wearing dress pants and shoes, that’s trying to change me. There’s a time and place for everything.

Single & Happy

April 25th, 2014
9:54 am

Hmm button,

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 25th, 2014
9:54 am

When you are truly trying to help someone make a change for the better, I say talk to them about it and get their buy-in and then take baby steps. For example, my hubs didn’t have the healthiest diet when I met him. I know he was trying to get in better shape and he said his blood pressue was a little higher than it should be. Plus he wanted to make sure the kids had healthy meals. He complained that growing up he only got a lot of mushy, bland, canned vegetables and not much variety. I slowly introduced new fresh vegetables with herbs and seasonings he & the kids like, and fresh salads. We have a least one green vegetable every dinner or a salad or soup. They still enjoy stuff they liked before like pizza & burgers, we just add veggies or a salad to the mix. Painless. I didn’t come in and throw out all the fun food and make them eat grass and berries!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

April 25th, 2014
9:56 am

So much that even suggesting they try a different food or watch a different tv show or anything is akin to some woman trying to “tweak” them.

~kimmie—good post and I especially understand and agree with the last part. When I first started dating my current boo, we had that come up several times. Sometimes I’d be at his house and would make a suggestion and his first comeback was always, “Don’t come over hear trying to change stuff/me”…so I fell back…waaay back. Like clockwork, all of a sudden he started asking me for tips/ideas.

Purple Reign

April 25th, 2014
9:57 am

Try and show a person new things or try something new with the,yes! Try and change them, no! I was attracted to who they are not what they could be or become.

Single & Happy

April 25th, 2014
9:57 am

Kimmie, now it seems that’s stuff he complained about. so you weren’t really trying to change him

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 25th, 2014
9:57 am

Thank you Single!! :wink:

disco

April 25th, 2014
9:57 am

Button – I’m all for life changing me. what I have a problem with is some two bit joker trying to get me to stop doing the things I do and start doing the things he prefers I’d do.

disco, you talk too much, I’m’a need for you to be seen and not heard. Please.
disco, you drink a tad bit much. I’m’a need you to leave those mojitos alone. I repeat, please.
disco, you hardly ever cook. I’m’a need you to cook every day. puh-leeze.
disco, your clothes are too sexy. I’m’a need you to tone it down. miss me with that……..

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

April 25th, 2014
9:58 am

~disco—what it do chica?!

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 25th, 2014
10:00 am

Like clockwork, all of a sudden he started asking me for tips/ideas.

Sassy – You got it!!! LOL!!!

Button

April 25th, 2014
10:01 am

Single – Accept the things you cannot change means you can change things and the things you cannot change accept it and K>I>M.

Some ppl are very influencial. I tend to be wary of those kind of ppl.

Button

April 25th, 2014
10:04 am

disco – LOL true that! I don’t like anyone telling me what I can and cannot do. talk less, wear skirts/dress blah blah blah. The good change I like is change for the betterment of my mind and body.

Single & Happy

April 25th, 2014
10:05 am

Button, what do you mean by influential?

Bluzgirl

April 25th, 2014
10:05 am

Another lesson I learned…even if you are not actively trying to change someone, don’t waste your time hoping and waiting for them to change.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 25th, 2014
10:06 am

even if you are not actively trying to change someone, don’t waste your time hoping and waiting for them to change

Bluz – Amen!!

Single & Happy

April 25th, 2014
10:07 am

Button, disco, you know that red dress you always wearing, Imma need you to burn that!!

Button, life changes are changes that you more than likely have to accept.

disco

April 25th, 2014
10:07 am

So it seems this change thing is all about delivery and intent. Turning me on to new things isn’t an attempt to change me. it’s an attempt to share. If I like said new things and adopt them into my life then that’ a change that I accepted. Not a change that was forced upon me.

Have we sufficiently covered change or shall we carry one? we can talk about changes we’ve made, changes we’ve asked others to make, changes we’ve witnessed others make. changes that worked, changes that went horribly wrong. the options are limitless.

Single & Happy

April 25th, 2014
10:07 am

Bluz, maybe that’s something you need change about yourself.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 25th, 2014
10:08 am

Hey Disco!!! – Yeah girl, ain’t no dude telling me how to dress or wear my hair or what to say. Miss me with that!!!

Bluzgirl

April 25th, 2014
10:09 am

S/H – I do believe I have changed that about myself. ;-)

disco

April 25th, 2014
10:09 am

Single – no problem. I don’t do red. don’t own a single clothing item or accessory in red. I also don’t do animal prints in case you have a problem with that too. lol.

Purple Reign

April 25th, 2014
10:11 am

kimmie, put on the dress over there hanging on the closet door and put your hair in that style I like. Tonight it’s all about you. :P