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Too much control?

Have you ever watched a couple interact and noticed that one of them showed some domineering behavior? What do you do when it’s your friend and their new man or woman is a raging control freak? Do you voice your concern? Casually bring it up?

I have a friend who has handed his entire life over to his new woman. At first I thought it was adorable and sweet that she was “tweaking” little superficial things. Then I realize he has made major life changes in the short time they have been together. If he was happy about those changes I wouldn’t be so worried. He isn’t though and he admitted he did it to make her happy. It saddens me to see all this happen! What would you do?

Have you ever dated someone controlling? How did you establish boundaries?

How can you tell the difference between dating someone who challenges you to be better and someone who is way too controlling?

By Wise Diva

242 comments Add your comment

Lee

April 17th, 2014
6:59 am

Guilty of controlling the money…really i can’t handle anyone else in my checking account. If i ever get married again we will not have a joint account nor a joint credit card. I worked to hard to have good credit being a single parent all those years for some dude to mess it up, most men do not know how to handle money or credit my observation from people i know,

good morning

YesSheIsCute

April 17th, 2014
6:59 am

First!

I don’t know if I’ve every dated someone controlling…If I did he wasn’t able to control me. You establish boundaries by standing your ground when they attempt to encroach on who you are or the lifestyle you enjoy.

If the person you are dating, just simply by living their life, inspires you to want to do better or differently with your own because you like the positive aspects of how their life seems to be flowing and want that for yourself–that is someone who is challenging you to be better. If they are telling you what to do, or what you need to be–That is controlling.

I’ve really been studying for this certification exam. It’s on the 25th. Wish me luck guys! Hope you guys have been having a great week thus far :)

YesSheIsCute

April 17th, 2014
7:00 am

Guess I wasn’t first. Awww shucks.

Button

April 17th, 2014
8:33 am

I’ve always been the controlling one. I like being in control in every aspect of my life. I guess I’m a control freak. Every now and then it does/did create problems. Most men are easy to control. They want to make us happy and they will make changes to make/keep us happy. If he’s admitting he’s has a problem doing it then he should stop. It’s that simple.

Good morning!

Lali

April 17th, 2014
8:38 am

What do you do when it’s your friend and their new man or woman is a raging control freak? Do you voice your concern? Casually bring it up?

I would consider it, their business and not mine. He chose to be with her for a reason, he may like being controlled or maybe is just codependent. He is an adult and knows how to leave if he doesn’t like it so I would not get involved.

Have you ever dated someone controlling? How did you establish boundaries? Yes, but he could not control me so it ended pretty quickly; Know who you are and stand your ground

How can you tell the difference between dating someone who challenges you to be better and someone who is way too controlling? Someone that challenges you brings out the best in you and inspires you to want to be the best of yourself; someone that is controlling considers you an extension of themselves and their major concern is not what’s best for you but what is best for themselves and their need to control usually comes from a place of insecurity

Coach

April 17th, 2014
9:02 am

A controlling personality is NEVER a good thing. You control pets, you dont control people.

Bluzgirl

April 17th, 2014
9:02 am

Morning!

I dated one guy who ended up being controlling and emotionally abusive. Glad I woke up and got out of it…

One of my close friends is dating a man who seems to have a ball and chain on her. Since she moved to a different state, we hardly ever talk. I don’t call her because she won’t talk if she’s around him. They fight all the time. She knows I don’t like him because of how he treats her. It’s sad, but it’s her life. She has very low self-esteem, even though she is a beautiful woman with a good heart. There’s nothing I can do.

Button

April 17th, 2014
9:08 am

ok now I can’t get Janet Jackson’s control song out of my head LOL

SlimNu

April 17th, 2014
9:13 am

Morning,
I briefly dated a guy that had a very strong personality and idea of how he felt things should be. Dating didn’t last long but we are good friends. He’s married and has a new baby…happy for him. I think having that new baby girl is going to be a challenge for him though lol

Leggs

April 17th, 2014
9:19 am

Have you ever dated someone controlling? – NO

How did you establish boundaries? – If I saw this behavior developing and realized one was trying to take over my life and dictate this or that to me, I would probably end the relationship. If we aren’t on common ground, with almost an equal footing, it’s not going to work. I don’t mind being somewhat submissive to my husband, but I’m not going to turn into a child and you tell when to eat, what to wear, where to go and when to be home. That type of behavior will never work because I left my mother’s home in 1979.

If I noticed my friend was in a controlling relationship and she hasn’t voiced any concerns to me, I would remain a spectator on the sidelines. If I noticed her demeanor has taken a nose dive, I will speak up w/o her inviting me to do so. No doubt a lot can feign happiness and all’s well in their world so I would observe before speaking. It’s like a woman being abused who puts pancake makeup on to hide that black eye. I would be watching carefully for a change in my friend’s personality. Even those that are subtle can be detected if you’re paying attention.

Good morning.

Single & Happy

April 17th, 2014
9:21 am

Hello everyone

If it was my friend, what would I do? what I always do, tell them THEY need to make up their mind what they can, and can’t put up with and act accordingly! But stop crying about it.

I’m not about to be controlled, so no problem there.

Bluzgirl

April 17th, 2014
9:25 am

I know I’ve been a little controlling in the past, but I don’t want to be that way anymore. It was more of codependency and I’ve gotten help with that.

2CPTG©

April 17th, 2014
9:29 am

No, I’m not a control freak, but when I was married, I was the Head of my household; and if I ever get married again, I will be the head of my household…..y’all gals (Button) talkin bout y’all control everything, and men are easy to control, I guess so if you like puppets….

hazel

April 17th, 2014
9:30 am

Its give and take. I’m controlling about certain things and my husband goes with it. He is controlling about certain things and I respect that. so I would say we are mutually controlling. No one is too much over the other. I let my man be the man .
As for a friend, I don’t know if I would be comfortable saying such things about their relationship to them. If its working, then let it be.

SlimNu

April 17th, 2014
9:31 am

Is there a fine line in controlling and dating a man that is “old school” though? I’m not talking about the extreme controlling dudes. Like that guy, he pretty much felt like the dude should be the provider and the woman should be very domestic. If you were out, he would ensure he held all doors for you, ordered your food for you, when it was time to go, he wanted you to wait for him to come grab your hand to help you up…stuff like that.

2CPTG©

April 17th, 2014
9:36 am

nah Slim, in fact, I tend to think those are admirable traits…..but nowadays, these independent gals wanna run err’thang, and scared to let a dude be what he was intended to be, and that’s the head, not the tail.

Single & Happy

April 17th, 2014
9:37 am

Slim fine line, controlling always start with small things, and most women usually think “aww his momma raised him right” If they expect you to wait for them to do those things, and say something when you don’t then he may be a little controlling

Button

April 17th, 2014
9:45 am

2C- Yeah I’m a control freak. I like things in order and make it so to the best of my abilities. I’ve been told to slow it down and I do but I go back to default mode-being in control. I’m slowly learning to just let it be and not being all advicey even when I’m not asked or having the last word.

SlimNu- See those are traits I’m used to in a man. An man old school man.

Button

April 17th, 2014
9:47 am

2C- It’s not about him being a puppet but for him to do as told. Yeah I said told bc some men need to be told what to do and some want to be told what to do and LOVE IT! hahahahaha

Reio

April 17th, 2014
9:49 am

Morning all!

If I had a friend that was being controlled, I would say nothing unless he commented on it first. If I had a friend that I thought was too controlling of their S/O, I would still say nothing. Just don’t give a damn. If you like it, or dislike it, but too sorry to speak up, well, whatever. Who gives a damn? I mean really? If it’s a loved one, son, daughter, sibling… that was on one side of the issue or the other, I would speak up with a LOUD voice. If they ignore me, I would then say “Don’t be a fool” and forget about it.

Fay

April 17th, 2014
9:49 am

Morning…

I have been with guys who are too controlling ..didn’t work. I am very stubborn. Its a very precarious line because I do like to be submissive to my man but I don’t want to feel like I have my life either but I don’t mind him being The Man.

SlimNu

April 17th, 2014
9:49 am

Button – I must say it was a very different dating experience but I felt ’safe’ and protected around him. He was a take charge kinda dude. But don’t you dare have your toes out and let your polish be chipped. lolol That was his major pet peeve :lol:

Leggs

April 17th, 2014
9:52 am

Button ~ a man that needs to be told what to do comes across as a weak man in my eyes. I need you to have “back bone” and stand up and do what needs to be done. I can’t sit around and micro manage a man. I don’t even micro manage my child. I would never want a puppet as a man that jumps when I say jump! I wore the pants once for a long time, it’s no fun in my eyes. I love my skirts and want to know my man is being a man and can stand on his own two feet and make his own decisions.

2CPTG©

April 17th, 2014
9:53 am

really Button? who wants a henpecked dude? shoot, I guess you do….

DuShawn

April 17th, 2014
9:54 am

Most men want a strong queen that can control the kingdom in his absence, but when the King is present…. Go sit your azz down somewhere and relax….I got this.

Button

April 17th, 2014
9:54 am

Leggs – you’re thinking too hard on it. It’s not about him being weak but him wanting to keep/make you happy in doing what you’re asking him to do. Happy wife means happy life!

Button

April 17th, 2014
9:56 am

Most smart men knows what it takes to keep his woman happy and he will and have jump thru hoops doing it.

SlimNu

April 17th, 2014
9:57 am

I think there should be balance. One person should not constantly forego their happiness in trying to make someone else happy. Joint effort…compromise on both ends

Reio

April 17th, 2014
9:59 am

As a father and husband, I tend to be the quietest one in the house. Never offered much input in the daily goings on, unless asked, or there was a problem. Never have. But as sure as the sky is blue, every living being in that house knew absolutely who was REALLY “runnin thangs”. It was me, and no others. They all knew it, and respected it. Wouldn’t work any other way.

Button

April 17th, 2014
10:00 am

SlimNu- there is a balance – if you keep me happy to the best of your ability then I’ll return the happiness to the best of my ability. Balance.

Lali

April 17th, 2014
10:00 am

There is a difference between controlling and leading

Insecure men control; weak men like to be controlled, a good man leads

2CPTG©

April 17th, 2014
10:01 am

Button, da hell are you from? Yes, we men want to make our ladies happy, but submitting to their every whim???? shiiiiiidddd….as Du said, sityoazz down somewhere!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

April 17th, 2014
10:04 am

now I can’t get Janet Jackson’s control song out of my head

:lol:

I instantly heard Kelly Price singing, “You’re not my daddy you’re my man…and I think it’s time you understand”

Have you ever dated someone controlling? How did you establish boundaries?

Yes…I’ve told you about the Five Percenter I dated back in college. He tried and for some reason he thought it would work…exactly what those reasons were I don’t know.

He wanted access to my bank account. He didn’t want me to eat chicken/turkey, didn’t want me on the pill :shock: , he wanted me to move in with him and his son, he wanted me to become a Five Percenter AND COVER MY HAIR.

He basically wanted me to put school on the back burner and mammy him and his son…he wanted to change me. That fire in my personality that drew him in began to burn him because he didn’t know how to handle it…or me…he wanted a watered down version and I don’t do that. Him wanting me to put our relationship before school was the last straw….I bounced and never looked back.

I didn’t explain anything to him…just cut him off and by the time I’d gotten to this point I’d emotionally checked out..

2CPTG©

April 17th, 2014
10:04 am

Reio, and that’s just it…..Pops ain’t gotta run around touting “I’m in charge”….it’s unwritten who’s in charge….in raising my family, I’d sit in my recliner and chill….wifey had the run of the house, but as soon as an “executive decision” was needed, guess who provided it?????

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

April 17th, 2014
10:05 am

a man that needs to be told what to do comes across as a weak man in my eyes

Weak and moist…

2CPTG©

April 17th, 2014
10:06 am

Sassy…..part of the Nation of Gods and Earths…..too funny…did he make you learn the Supreme alphabet, and Supreme Mathematics?

Reio

April 17th, 2014
10:07 am

Usually when there is disagreement, over the years, she tended to win out, almost all of the time. But, here’s the thing, she won and got her way, in the instances that she did, because I didn’t put my foot down. Out of love and respect for her I tended to back off. We all knew that I was the only person in the house that could have his way 100% of the time, if I wanted to.. I just chose not to, on most occasions.

Button

April 17th, 2014
10:08 am

2C- lmbo. hell I don’t/didn’t have him hypnotized!

Leggs

April 17th, 2014
10:10 am

Button ~ not really, just commenting on being told what to do. To be honest, that runs a gamut of many things. Hey, is 2C thinking too hard as well?

BTW, Button, love reading you but the same sentiment in your 9:54 is not the same as your 9:47. I get what you saying in pleasing their wife, but your 9:47 came across almost dominatrix like (lol).

Elijah (The Durty Burd)

April 17th, 2014
10:10 am

Good Morning Folks!

I believe if you are controlling in a relationship, it usually will not get a happy, healthy relationship. Each person has strengths and the HEAD of the household (ME, um me and me) need to take those strengths and put them to use to positively affect the relationship. I’ve notice women just like to comments on issues that they have no knowledge of the subject which only slows down the process. lol

Instead of making blanket statements, just ask questions to get understanding. In all you do get understanding.

Lali…I like the way you think, we should get together! hehehehehe!

Button

April 17th, 2014
10:12 am

imo contolling in dating and controlling in marriage is two different context. single folks will not have anyone telling them what to do. But when you’re married you have to make concessions to keep the peace.

Leggs

April 17th, 2014
10:13 am

SassyMe ~ not sure if you know this about me, but I was a Five Percenter while in school. The Kings took their role as King seriously. You are their Queen. Learning the daily word (alphabet and day of the week) was interesting. I guess my teaching/learning wasn’t to the point of anyone asking me to cover my head (high school, first year of college).

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

April 17th, 2014
10:15 am

did he make you learn the Supreme alphabet, and Supreme Mathematics?

I wasn’t with that isht and never tried to learn it…hell I was still in college and working full time so I had enough to learn as it was.

Once he realized that I still had that buck in me and that I wasn’t going to go along with that craziness, he didn’t know what to do. I’ve always been very opinionated and strong and he wanted/needed more of a doormat personality to match his wet blanket personality…

All I could say was miss me with that…

Leggs

April 17th, 2014
10:16 am

Thank you, 2C re Supreme Alphabet and Supreme Mathematics. Whew, that was so long ago (lol).

Button

April 17th, 2014
10:16 am

Leggs- LOL that’s bc I’m flipping from a single stand point and a married stand point.

Reio

April 17th, 2014
10:16 am

2C – Exactly. I must admit that I was fortunate enough to have found a woman that see’s it the same way. Yes, it’s true, I didn’t have an input into everything. Didn’t need to. They all knew what the deal was, and that is “Daddy’s the leader round here.” I never needed to assert myself, thankfully. Cause, had I had to, it would have been pure hell for everybody. No wife or child of mine will ever disrespect me or treat me as something other than the family leader. Under no circumstances. At no time. Simple.

Elijah (The Durty Burd)

April 17th, 2014
10:18 am

But when you’re married you have to make concessions to keep the peace. Or you get a divorce. Some demands are unreasonable and unrealistic, thus the high divorce rate.

Sassy….That is called crazy……

Leggs

April 17th, 2014
10:18 am

Gotcha, Button.

Bluzgirl

April 17th, 2014
10:18 am

My ex fiancé was a major pushover. I never meant to “control” him, but I realized he was very much a “yes” man. He would agree with everything I said and it kind of drove me crazy. I wanted at least a little conflict. I wanted him to show me he could stand up for something. Heck…I even tried to start fights and he wouldn’t do it…

Fay

April 17th, 2014
10:20 am

Insecure men control; weak men like to be controlled, a good man leads..

Say that again!