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Dating: Exit strategy

I received an email from one of our readers seeking some advice. She is a 29 year old marketing professional who met a wonderful man in January. The two of them have decided to become exclusive which means all those flings, friends with benefits, and exes need to be made aware. Apparently, this is easier said than done. She and her man have people who they can’t seem to shake.

When you want to end the various “situations” you have been managing as a single person, what is your exit strategy for them? Do you stop calling? Do you send a text? What do you do when you let someone know you are coupled up and they suddenly admit to wanting something serious with you?

When you meet someone, do you believe that their single status only refers to marriage? Do you think most people have someone who they hook up with on a regular basis? How long do you allow for those loose ends to get tied up?

By Wise Diva

233 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy

April 15th, 2014
7:31 am

Hello

Just let the others know.

Lee

April 15th, 2014
8:19 am

Just tell them straight out, I am in a relationship now. It’s not complitcated after that if they still call don’t answer.

Celisea

April 15th, 2014
8:29 am

It is easy to “shake” someone you’re not feeling. If you say it right, you only need to say it once. Aside from stalkers, folks know it when you say what you mean and mean what you say. If you’re saying it and they aren’t buying it, maybe you aren’t saying it as it need to be said.

Or, you can take the nicer approach and fade away or just igg til they drop….lol Ain’t that how men do?

Off topic: I knew the day was coming, but I didn’t know when. I RAN INTO SILKY YESTERDAY. I thought it would be awkward, but it wasn’t. I was in Publix getting ice at the deli and looked up and there he was. It was funny too, cause he was in the same area getting lemonade and tea and he did the same. We both did a double take…lol Of course he came over and did this loooong hug. He was looking at me sort of weirdly, with a Cheshire grin. We chatted a bit and he kept looking, so you know me, I asked him why was he looking at me that way. He said, “I’m just looking, you look guud.” And gave me another looong hug. Anyhoo, I wasn’t knocked over like I always thought I would be. He did though come back to mind after I’d gotten home.

Anyhoo, I’m here eaaarly…my coworker just cracked a joke about that…lol Gotta get on ma grind, covering for another coworker and it was beastly yesterday. I think all the work that I did was hers. None of my stuff was touched.

Make it a grandtastic day!! Toodles!

Lali

April 15th, 2014
8:44 am

Just be straightforward and let them know. If they can’t “shake” them, it’s because they don’t want to.

hazel

April 15th, 2014
8:57 am

Be straight forward with everyone else. Please don’t text me, call me, email me as I’m kinda getting serious with someone. Of course, do this nicely.

disco

April 15th, 2014
9:04 am

Good morning.

If I get involved in a relationship I’ll share the information with others on an as-needed basis. There’s no need for me to pick up the phone and go through the rotation to advertise that I’m in a relationship now (I just envisioned color purple – “I’se married now” – lol).

As for the “fade-away” method of simply not calling or taking calls. I’ve never respected that. if you want out, say you want out. to just get ghost is lame imo. if you have someone relay the news on your behalf that too is a punk move. lol. any other method (phone, text, email, dear john letter) is alright with me.

Single and Happy

April 15th, 2014
9:11 am

Disco, I feel your need to know basis, if it doesn’t come up in the conversation, why broadcast it. I’m also not with that “fade to black” thing, nor the don’t contact me anymore. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t talk to other people.

2CPTG©

April 15th, 2014
9:14 am

here’s what y’all missing: “She and her man have people who they can’t seem to shake.”

ole girl appears to be guilty as well….”reader” why can’t you tell your fling you’re in a relationship now, and he can’t come over late at night anymore and break you off….or, is it that you want your dude to cancel his rotations, while you keep yours?

29 year old marketing professional….so! why is that pertinent to your letter?

disco

April 15th, 2014
9:18 am

Single – still I’m sure we all know some folks that get “brand new” when they are in a relationship. the types that lose themselves and everything becomes about and revolves around that other person. I have no time for that type of all-consuming relationship. I tell people I’m seeking the seamless merge. No compromising on either part. things just fit and work. if I have to try too hard to make it work it’s not for me.

Celisea

April 15th, 2014
9:19 am

One more….

In letting folks know, NEVER do you say you’re booed up with another. Just let them know you ain’t feeling a relationship and wanna keep it light.

Unless it’s getting serious, and all grown folks know when that’s happening, then you don’t need to let the left hand know what the right hand is doing. Heck they ain’t gon fill you in on every lil thing.

Celisea

April 15th, 2014
9:20 am

And there’s a distinct difference in playing games or misleading folks versus not spilling ya guts.

2CPTG©

April 15th, 2014
9:21 am

” I tell people I’m seeking the seamless merge.”

Is that what you told the dude who had “the audacity” to tell you to stop talking to your other “friends”?

Lali

April 15th, 2014
9:25 am

I kept a rotation when I was younger but it was because I definitely did not want commitment at that time…but I don’t do that anymore and I don’t hold onto exes, once things end I let go completely, I have tried in the past to be friends after a breakup and it has never worked for me… So I cant’ see that this would ever be an issue for me

I am curious Disco/Single, how do you determine who in your rotation gets notice?

disco

April 15th, 2014
9:25 am

2C – since you ask, I meant that’s what I tell people in general conversation when it comes to relationships. the guys in my rotation don’t even get that. they don’t need that. they aren’t for me, they don’t necessarily need to know why. sometimes you can’t tell people what you want because some folks will try to front to get in. oh. you like so and so. I can be so and so. who’s got time for that?

Single and Happy

April 15th, 2014
9:26 am

Disco yea we do. All consuming, oh no, I had a life before them and I will continue to have one.

disco

April 15th, 2014
9:28 am

Lali – good morning. what’s to determine? you don’t owe anyone anything and that includes explanations or updates on your life/relationship status. If you share anything it’s because you choose to. need to know basis is just that. if you feel they need to know, tell them. if not, don’t. simple.

Single and Happy

April 15th, 2014
9:30 am

Lali, when it comes up in the conversation.If they’re not trying to get with me, no need to go there.

Leggs

April 15th, 2014
9:46 am

“She and her man have people who they can’t seem to shake.” – That’s because in their heart of hearts, they aren’t ready to be exclusive because if you truly want to “shake” others, you will. It’s not a difficult thing to do. Once you tell the others that you are now in an exclusive relationship and they’re not trying to hear “I got a man,” then it’s up to you to ignore whatever advances that come your way and remove yourself from their environment if they won’t remove themselves from yours. People only enter when you allow them to. Again, sounds like neither one of them is really ready for each other.

Good morning!

Leggs

April 15th, 2014
9:53 am

Single ~ mentioning that she’s a 29 year old marketing professional is to let us know she has smart sense, just not relationship sense! You know, akin to book smarts and street dumb.

Single and Happy

April 15th, 2014
9:57 am

Leggs that’s what I was thinking, it’s they’ve only been seeing each other 4 months

Single and Happy

April 15th, 2014
9:59 am

Leggs why you starting with me this morning, 2c made that comment (LMAO)

Bluzgirl

April 15th, 2014
9:59 am

I haven’t been in this situation yet, so not much to add. I don’t see why it would hurt to just be honest and tell others that you have met someone you’d like to be exclusive with…

Elijah (The Durty Burd)

April 15th, 2014
10:04 am

Good Morning!

She must not be good at marketing, since she cannot shake ole dizzle.. hehehehehehe!
Marketing is about getting people to buy what you are selling, if she wants to sell that she is in an exclusive relationship, then it should be no problem.

Does not sound like either have fully committed to the relationship. Once you committed folks whom your smashing should be dismissed with the quickness.

A long hug….So you give those out huh?

Leggs

April 15th, 2014
10:05 am

LOLOLOL, sorry 2C.

Leggs

April 15th, 2014
10:06 am

I’m cracking up, sorry Single!

Celisea

April 15th, 2014
10:09 am

A long hug….So you give those out huh?

Why, you want one?

hehehehehehehehehehehe

Bluzgirl

April 15th, 2014
10:09 am

Oh…and morning all!

2CPTG©

April 15th, 2014
10:13 am

Leggs, those book smart gals are usually the ones who fall for the okie doke…..they like to toss their job status around like that’s gonna give ‘em some sort of credibility…who cares what she does…why she’en mention what he does for a living…..

Am I the only one who thinks some of these “readers” are actually some of our very own? Seriously, how many times is the floor opened up for discussion, and none of these “readers” chime in?

so…….lemme see, who could this “reader” possibly be?

disco

April 15th, 2014
10:16 am

Elijah – but that’s the assumption you make. That folks in the rotation are smashing. That’s not always the case. Often they are just friends or acquaintances or folks you hang with from time to time. even if you are smashing it doesn’t mean that you can’t pull back, stop smashing and still continue the relationship. ijs.

Single and Happy

April 15th, 2014
10:17 am

ding ding ding @ disco

2CPTG©

April 15th, 2014
10:25 am

Hey “Reader”……have you received the answer you were seeking?

Lali

April 15th, 2014
10:38 am

I agree Disco, when I had a rotation each one served a different purpose; you don’t do the same thing with all of them you delegate them to different roles..at least I didn’t, one was for conversation, one was for sex, and one was for activity…

In this case I don’t think they are ready for commitment, for me it was a mindset change, when I was ready for commitment I automatically let go of the “rotation” even though I had not found one to commit to…it just got to the point where I felt if I couldn’t find all I wanted and needed in ONE I didn’t want to waste the time and energy on a rotation of “flunkies” lol I would rather just be alone

Leggs

April 15th, 2014
10:39 am

Lali ~ they’re not “flunkies,” they’re “bench warmers (lol).

Lali

April 15th, 2014
10:48 am

@Leggs, LOL indeed! It’s hard to find a starting team, lucky to run up on one lol; bench warmers on the other hand…

disco

April 15th, 2014
10:51 am

Lali – that’s why your rotation shouldn’t be 100% local. You gotta have bros in different area codes. lol.

Bluzgirl

April 15th, 2014
10:52 am

O/T – I had some of the best pizza I’ve ever had last night. If you find yourself near North Point Mall, check out Campania. Real Italian pizza and was incredible! I’m a pizza junkie, so I know good pizza.

Mrs. SexyCool

April 15th, 2014
10:54 am

When M and I decided to become a couple, there were a few folks that I had conversations with, as they came up. I didn’t go out and actively call folks up to let them down easy. When I spoke to them, I informed them that I was seeing someone and it was becoming serious and that I would no longer be interacting with them in the same way, if at all. I told them that I expected them to respect that and that I appreciated them for doing so.

Bluzgirl

April 15th, 2014
10:57 am

I just totally cracked myself up and have caught a case of the giggles. I was reading something and the receptionist sneezed and I must have read the word “blank” because I yelled out “blank you” instead of “bless you.” Dang…I needed that good laugh cause today is a bit of a rough day with it being the anniversary of losing a friend…

Leggs

April 15th, 2014
10:58 am

Bluz ~ I believe I have told you before I am the Queen of Pizza. If ever I’m in that area, which is never (lol), I will check it out. Right now, your word will have to do.

Mrs. SexyC ~ and that’s how you do it!!!

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

April 15th, 2014
11:00 am

@MrsSC

Same here, it’s really not that difficult to say “hey, I found someone I’m digging and I wanna see where it goes, so we can [insert activity] anymore.”

The other option is not say anything and still try and GTDs…

Bluzgirl

April 15th, 2014
11:01 am

Leggs – I promise it’s worth it. My friend had heard about it on the show Atlanta Eats and that’s where she had her 60th birthday party last night. It was amazing!

Mrs. SexyCool

April 15th, 2014
11:07 am

GTD? Get the draws?
(lmao)

Mrs. SexyCool

April 15th, 2014
11:08 am

Bluz – M is a total fan of Atlanta Eats. It’s usually how we decide where we’re going for our latest date night.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 15th, 2014
11:09 am

Morning Gang!!

Bluz – I work not far from North Point. Exactly where is this pizza place?

On topic – This was never really an issue with me. But I guess I was under the assumption that if you were a FWB or someone I kicked it with from time to time, then there was the understanding that at any point either of us could meet someone we wanted to be serious with and all bets were off. See that’s why I never was really cut out for those in-between situations. Either I’m all in or out. If you were hanging around my friend zone, hoping for an opening and didn’t speak up and tell me you were feeling me, then I guess it sucks to be you! I’ve also had a few to get a little salty when they found out I was serious with someone. They took for granted that I’d still be around and available. Again, sucks to be you!

I agree with others – these others they “can’t shake” lets me know they really aren’t ready. Cause when I’m really feeling someone, all those also-rans are easy to let fall by the wayside!

Leggs

April 15th, 2014
11:15 am

interesting term “also-rans”

DuShawn

April 15th, 2014
11:15 am

I never really had to exit because I was never all in. If I found myself falling for another, I would begin to focus my energies and time on the new interest. As a result, less time would be spent with the previous one, conversations would become few and far between, dating would cease and eventually they just faded away…..to me anyway. In retrospect, I guess my strategy was just pure unmitigated thoughtlessness.

SlimNu

April 15th, 2014
11:21 am

Morning folks!

Leggs

April 15th, 2014
11:21 am

You summed that up nicely, DuShawn!

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 15th, 2014
11:25 am

Du/Leggs – I guess thinking back, I just never had anyone to take up that much of my time that I wasn’t really into like that. I don’t do halfway very well. If you were in the freind zone, it was very clear where you stood with me, like a brother. If I was getting serious about a guy, 9 times out of 10 my friends know it. No need for me to have this “special conversation” with any of them.

Lali

April 15th, 2014
11:38 am

Disco it seems like you got the rotation down to a science lol

Now, I’m like Kimmie, it’s either all or nothing, either I’m all in or not at all…