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Using sex to manipulate?

I was talking to a married couple about how the dynamics of their relationship had changed once they jumped the broom. The wife said in the beginning, she used sex to manipulate her husband. She was doing it without realizing it first, but soon found that there was a bit of power in it. She admitted that it was a tool she resorted to using when she wanted to get her way.

Her husband realized what she had been doing and it actually became a huge issue they nearly ended the marriage. Their first true hurdle as a married couple was her using sex as a weapon. He didn’t like being manipulated and she didn’t like it when he didn’t give her what she really wanted.

I can’t say that I am surprised that this was a real challenge to overcome in a marriage. Even in dating, using sex to manipulate a situation can be destructive. I think both men and women try to gain some power in a relationship and often use sex to that end.

Do you think you have ever been manipulated with sex? If you believed your partner was using this tactic, what would you do?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

265 comments Add your comment

Lee

April 9th, 2014
7:13 am

Good Morning,

Not sure what i would do if my partner manipulated me with sex. I like sex so that would not be my thing to use as a weapon.
Maybe this chick never knew but you get married not just for love but to build a life together –you can’t build anything if all you can think about is you — you need to work together towards your common goals–yes it is good to have individual goals also–i am thinking: what exactly did she manipulate him to do, buy her new clothes , take out the trash or did she just do it because she liked having that power over him <– I would of left her because she is not that cute and there are many who he can replace her with, same goes for a man thats not cute or funny its very cruel

Single and Happy

April 9th, 2014
7:19 am

Hello

Damn I’m missing out on so much (LOL)

SlimNu

April 9th, 2014
8:00 am

Morning folks,

Keep my sis in ya’lls prayers…she has her second surgery today for her thryroid cancer :-D

SlimNu

April 9th, 2014
8:04 am

check back in later

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

April 9th, 2014
8:39 am

disco

April 9th, 2014
9:08 am

Good morning.

Lee – first things first, people get married for many reasons. I’m sure love is one of them and love is the one most folks like to own but I’m sure security, convenience and any other number of reasons abound.

Sex as a weapon? why not? it can kill, can’t it? lol.

I think women use sex as a weapon or manipulation tactic far more than men do. I suppose some men have and do but I doubt if they do it nearly as much as women do.

Leggs

April 9th, 2014
9:09 am

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUSHAWN
♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪. We all know you are going to have a blast all the way up to Saturday because Sunday you will be recuperating from all your activities!

Leggs

April 9th, 2014
9:10 am

SlimNu ~ will definitely do. Stay strong and positive.

Button

April 9th, 2014
9:10 am

I’ve used charm and chrisma but never my body to get my way. I have a system that usually works everytime.

SlimNu – ok

Good morning!

Leggs

April 9th, 2014
9:22 am

Sex has always been used as a way to manipulate. Hell, even way back in the day a war was waged over Helen of Troy. Not sure why she popped in my head. In any event, sex has and always will be used as a bartering tool. It’s rare, but men hold out too. It’s the one single weapon we humans have that will render a person defenseless absent an actual weapon. Sorry that the husband suddenly realized his wife was doing this. Poor thing, he should have known this when he first said hello to her.

Good morning!

2CPTG©

April 9th, 2014
9:27 am

I’ve used charm and chrisma but never my body to get my way. I have a system that usually works everytime.

……thinkin to myself……wonder if she tombout that “booty that snaps back…”

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

April 9th, 2014
9:28 am

Keep my sis in ya’lls prayers…

~Slim–Will definitely do that. Sending good thoughts and prayer up for your family.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 9th, 2014
9:33 am

Morning Gang!

Done Slim!

On topic – I don’t have anything to add. If I think back, I suspect one ex-bf in my past probably was doing it to me. It actually began the demise of our relationship. He was messing with my mind. The joke ended being on him, because when he held out on me when I went to visit him(he was working on a project out of town for about a year) – let’s just say I had no trouble getting another man to do what he would not when I got home.

We don’t have ish like this going in my marriage though.

I hope this won’t be another slow blog day!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit ;-)

April 9th, 2014
9:34 am

Helen of Troy. Not sure why she popped in my head.

I was thinking Cleopatra…she was baaad.

On topic: Looking back through history sex has always been a means to an end…a leveraging/bartering tool of sorts. I guess this guy feels some type of way b/c his wife was doing that with him and he didn’t realize it…at first. Wifey was wrong but she ain’t the first to do it. And if it didn’t work(on some level…for some time) she wouldn’t have resorted to that in the first place. Mybe she’s done it before…I don’t know, but at least she saw the error of her ways and they moved on.

I just hope the hubby doesn’t try to get her back somehow…

DuShawn

April 9th, 2014
9:36 am

Thank you sweetheart —”And you can tell everybody, I’m the man…I’m the man…I’m the man” That’s my theme song for today….I’m feeling myself.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 9th, 2014
9:41 am

Happy Birthday Du!!!

Did you see the Justified season finale last night?

disco

April 9th, 2014
9:41 am

Kimmie – today the blog will be the bomb.

Back on this manipulation thing. I suspect that most men recognize that many women use sex to get things (material or just their way). I also suspect that most men simply just go along with the program as long as old girl isn’t asking for too much. so, my question to the blog gents is this, at what point does it become too much? has a chick ever tried to manipulate her way into getting more than you were willing to give?

Button

April 9th, 2014
9:47 am

2C -there’s a way to get what you want without using your body, whinning or nagging.

2CPTG©

April 9th, 2014
9:49 am

2C -there’s a way to get what you want without using your body, whinning or nagging.

convince me………

why did Def Leopard’s “pour some sugar on me,” pop into my head….

disco

April 9th, 2014
9:52 am

2C – never mind.

I won’t go all in and say I agree with button 100% but I will say that a good talk game can often get you what you want. Still, a good talk game with a side of sex thrown in for good measure…that’s a whole nother level. lol.

2CPTG©

April 9th, 2014
9:53 am

Slim, it is done.

‘morning disco.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 9th, 2014
9:56 am

there’s a way to get what you want without using your body, whinning or nagging.

Button – I agree. That stuff is for amatuers.

Heidi Golighty

April 9th, 2014
9:59 am

Good Morning!

I can’t ever use sex as a weapon. It would hurt me more to withold than the guy :-D
that is all

Single and Happy

April 9th, 2014
10:00 am

Disco, I don’t know if that would work on me, when I’m asked something it’s either yes I can, or no I can’t. and sex isn’t going the change those facts.

disco

April 9th, 2014
10:02 am

Single – you just haven’t had the one that had that “hold” on you. congrats and at this stage in the game I hope she doesn’t show up. lol.

Heidi – withholding isn’t the only way it can be used. ijs.

Leggs

April 9th, 2014
10:04 am

SassyMe ~ I thought Cleopatra after Helen (lol).

Heidi ~ using sex as a weapon doesn’t always rest on the side of “withholding” (lol). You can also give some to get something you want, being ANYTHING!

Single and Happy

April 9th, 2014
10:04 am

Disco, what hold, most learn that if they want something all they have to do is ask. most of the time the answer is yes, so when I say no, they understand that I can’t do it.

Leggs

April 9th, 2014
10:07 am

“…when I’m asked something it’s either yes I can, or no I can’t. and sex isn’t going the change those facts.” – Then, you’re one in a million because for many sex definitely can change a “no” into a “yes.”

disco

April 9th, 2014
10:07 am

Single – the “hold” I’m talking about is that woman who comes into your life and all of a sudden all sense and logic goes out the window. You say no I can’t do it, you mean no I can’t do it and you have absolutely no intention of doing it BUT you go out and pawn something or borrow money to make it happen anyway. that’s the hold I’m talking about. granted that’s an extreme circumstance but many men (and women) have gotten caught up like that.

disco

April 9th, 2014
10:08 am

Leggs – you know single is going to dig in his heels and refuse to budge. lol. that’s okay though – we know…

DuShawn

April 9th, 2014
10:12 am

Kimmie – I did see it, that’s a bad muffugga.

On topic – I know firsthand about sex as a weapon. That’s a very slippery slope in a marriage. We went through that. She wanted her way and wasn’t giving up the azz until she got it. I got angry and held a grudge while awaiting the day till she wanted some diznic, so I could turn her down. It was a power struggle, and she thought she had the only weapon. Then when she tried to give me some, I hit her with the “Naw baby, I good on the puddy…I don’t want it…keep it.” Turned my back on her and thought to myself…finally got her azz back. She’s thinking “He’s f*&kin someone else.” That’s a horrible place to be as husband and wife. It’s like a cancer. You must cut that childish behavior out quick or it will grow and possible kill what you have.

Single and Happy

April 9th, 2014
10:13 am

Disco, you’re right, she hasn’t yet. Aint borrowing nothing and aint pawning nothing (LOL). And you’re right alot of people get caught up like that and sometime sex isn’t even in the equation.

Leggs, I’m thinking of one girlfriend that remotely fit that description, and she found out she wasn’t the only one that had one of those things down there.

disco

April 9th, 2014
10:16 am

D – re power struggle. how come my active imagination pictured hubs and wife (not you and your wife – just random hypotheticals) on each side of the bed. He’s jacking with a vengeance and she’s got the rabbit on high. it’s like a contest to see who can finish first. lol.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 9th, 2014
10:17 am

that’s a bad muffugga

Du – Okay??? Especially when Boyd shot dude with his hands cuffed behind his back!!

Glad Rachel didn’t get shot.

2CPTG©

April 9th, 2014
10:19 am

hush y’all mouf…..

when all else fails, ya still got the kitty as a last ditch effort……….somma y’all had to resort to it, and somma y’all didn’t…..but I bet there’s more that did and just ain’t tellin…..plenty ‘o y’all done hunched for gas money, or a pack of Newports…..hell, somma y’all had to hunch ya baby daddy just to get him to buy the baby some pampers!!!

2CPTG©

April 9th, 2014
10:21 am

coochie been a baby mama’s weapon of choice since they came out with WIC….

disco

April 9th, 2014
10:22 am

I think another aspect we are overlooking is that the manipulation isn’t always straight-forward. It’s not always do this/get me that or I’m not sleeping with you. sometimes it’s real subtle. sometimes just the fact that you are getting it on the regular is part of the manipulation. sometimes kicking it up a notch or changing the game a bit is part of the manipulation. A really good manipulator will have you thinking that something was your idea to begin with. ijs.

DuShawn

April 9th, 2014
10:25 am

2C- That’s coochie economics 101. If there is a demand for her product, it can be exchanged for goods or services……Then again, some of yall got puddy like wet dope……won’t sell nowhere.

disco

April 9th, 2014
10:26 am

2C – no you didn’t take it to “baby momma”. smdh.

btw – I’ve always been on team use what you got to get what you want. It ties right in to coochie ain’t free. that’s not to say that every exchange is a – well exchange (lol) – but I have enough sense not to be with a man that won’t or can’t do for me. I’m not a needy chick but I wish I would need something and dude couldn’t step up. I’d be on to the next one with the quickness.

I’m also a big believer in screwing the man and not letting the man screw you.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

April 9th, 2014
10:27 am

Like money, using sex as a weapon is stupid.

Both are fungible items and (easily)attainable by the other person in the relationship.

Also, manipulating someone into (or out of) something is childish, and the sign of an immature and weak mind. Rather than trying to trick someone, exert your will using logic or love. And even then, do so sparingly.

The greatest advice I ever got about getting married – “don’t take everything personally. Sometimes their [stuff] has nothing to do with you.”

Lali

April 9th, 2014
10:28 am

At the point of getting married, I would hope I have done my due diligence in choosing a partner that knows how to communicate, reciprocate and submit to the relationship. I feel sex is such an important part of a loving committed relationship I can’t imagine being married and using it as a means of getting my way over just communicating my needs or wants and reaching an understanding with my partner. But that’s probably why I’m not married…I don’t do well with games, testing, manipulation etc…If I still have to put up with such antics after marriage then what’s the point…

2CPTG©

April 9th, 2014
10:29 am

“Then again, some of yall got puddy like wet dope……won’t sell nowhere.”

hahahahahahah…..the kind you give to a baser to make him dance in the street……

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

April 9th, 2014
10:30 am

A really good manipulator will have you thinking that something was your idea to begin with.

Disco – Preach! Now you dropping professional knowledge, versus these amatuers up in here! But hush, don’t give away all the trade secrets!!LOL

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

April 9th, 2014
10:30 am

Happy Born on Brother Dushawn

Heidi Golighty

April 9th, 2014
10:32 am

Amen kimmie!

2CPTG©

April 9th, 2014
10:32 am

versus these amatuers up in here

…….I know ye’en talkin bout me……I got a couch and err’thang!

disco

April 9th, 2014
10:33 am

Lali – people in general are emotional beings. You hear folks all the time talking about not going to bed angry. I’m sure that works some of the time for some of the people. you then have to ask yourself if you are the type of spouse that is going to be willing to “submit” and have sex with your partner on demand. I say on demand because, let’s face it, sometimes you just don’t want to. still, there are some spouses who feel it is their duty and so they do it whether they want to or not. there are others who feel it is their duty BUT if something ain’t right they reserve the right to tell their partner to kick rocks. It’s all so personal and individualized.

disco

April 9th, 2014
10:34 am

Kimmie – we could tell them the secrets and it wouldn’t matter because none of them think (or are willing to admit) it could ever happen to them. lol.

Heidi Golighty

April 9th, 2014
10:38 am

Disco- I could never use my body to get what I wanted because Im a hustler that has the brains to get stuff done or get what I want. To me, if a woman is using sex to get what she wants it basically means she’s dumber than a red brink and thinks her body is the only thing she has going for her. Men can get sex any time anywhere. If a guy agrees to do something for sex it’s because he was going to do the facir anyway and the sex just means he doesn’t have to put in extra work.

Heidi Golighty

April 9th, 2014
10:39 am