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Ex Files: Not over them

There are some relationships that take a little longer to get over. It would be great if single people could move on to the next without any lingering emotion. We often convince ourselves that we can and end up with someone new who has to deal with the last mess of a relationship. What do you do when you are not completely over your ex?

I know it may sound simple but I have to say it: stop sleeping with them is a great start! When you are needing to do a clean break you have to cut ties, so break up sex needs to stop.

What are other ways you can get over an ex? How can you tell if your last relationship is still taking up head space?

By Wise Diva

311 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

March 17th, 2014
5:02 am

Good morning everyone! Happy St. Patrick’s Day if you celebrate that. Today is my little niece’s birthday. :D

I’ve encountered that before, in the past I’ve let the person know hey I thought I could do this but I’m really not ready to be dating again.

Ways to get over an ex? I really don’t know. Time heals all wounds. There’s no set amount of time.

If you still have insecurities that prevail in new relationships (i.e. last person cheated so you are out of control crazy jealous with the next person), then you need to take a time out and work on your issues.

Lee

March 17th, 2014
7:19 am

I was never one to get out of one relationship and hop into another one. When I had enough of you , and im done its over with no sleeping together or anything else is going to happen, I did all the breaking up in all my relationships, so on my end there was no drama, no more thinking … you put me in a place of no return.

Good Morning, Wish i was still in bed seems i didn’t get enough sleep — Its going to be a long day

Single and Happy

March 17th, 2014
7:30 am

Hey everyone

I don’t move on unless I know I can handle it, I’m not saying my ex is out of my system, but I’ll be in a place where she’s a non factor in my new relationship. The only baggage I carry is when I travel. I also don’t deal with other people pasts. If your ex cheated on you, I’m not him, if your ex abused you, I’m not him, if your ex stole your money and wrecked your car, I’m not him! so don’t keep tell in me what he did and comparing me to him.

disco

March 17th, 2014
8:52 am

Good morning.

Single – funny you went on about “not being him”. I’m always amazed at how quick I can get under a guy’s skin with that. I’ll make a general statement about men being whatever. almost every guy is adamant that he’s not that dude. that I shouldn’t compare him to other guys. That he is “different”. More often than not, he fit those very generalizations that I described. Now, that’s not me saying that these guys ever wronged me. that’s just me saying that some characteristics are pretty common across the board. lol.

Single and Happy

March 17th, 2014
9:03 am

Disco, you know us guys don’t like to be compared, just like most women don’t like it either. (LOL)

Purple Reign

March 17th, 2014
9:08 am

Smile on the outside and hurt on the inside, don’t get into anything resembling a realtionship until the hurt is gone. If one finds himself constantly comparing women to his previous woman he is not over her yet. That’s why I think people give up to quickly on relationships, I think you should try and work it out to the point when there is nothing left….that way when they are gone you realize they were nothing to lose and you are over them. disco/Single, I consider it disrespectful to bring up past relationships into your current situation so I just avoid/ignore those conversations after expressing that it has nothing to do with us.

disco

March 17th, 2014
9:09 am

Single – point taken but if you are being compared and you recognize the truth in the comparison there’s no point in digging your heels in and firmly denying that there is no truth in the comparison. lol.

So… for now it appears to be just us. you have any interesting weekend tales? I have nothing.

disco

March 17th, 2014
9:11 am

Hey purple. my post wasn’t even necessarily about past relationships. however, I suppose there are times when bringing up past relationships is important. You might need to know about the crazy ex with the arsenal and three previous stalking convictions who is coming up for parole soon.

2CPTG©

March 17th, 2014
9:22 am

by the time you call it quits you should be over them (yes, really!). bout like folks who get a divorce, then tombout, I need time before I get into something else…..then you oughta still be married! but then again, that’s just me….what do I know.

Reio

March 17th, 2014
9:23 am

Morning all!

“….so break up sex needs to stop.”

I almost posted “Da hell is that?” But I get it now. This never happened to me. Even if I continued to want to sleep with her after a breakup, I didn’t. Hell, I don’t even remember a woman that I broke up with, ever wanting to continue to sleep with me.

And, I must admit, I may have had an advantage over most fellas during my dating years, in that; I realized early that the sex part tended to be pretty much the same across the board. Oh, some were better than others, and, a few, were quite a bit better than others. But, at least as far as I was concerned, it was pretty much the same, especially during the actual ‘act’. So once the breakup came, I expected the next one to be about the same as the previous one. I hope none of you gals on here will take my attitude the wrong way. However, if you do, “I’on give a chit!” The greatest difference I found in women that I dated came outside the bedroom. This is really all that mattered to me anyway. Lastly, if you bring past relationship baggage into a new relationship with me, well, it won’t be long before yo azz is out the door. I believed then, as now, that people spend far too much time trying to fix chit. Just send their azzes packing. Ladies, I understand for you, this is easier said than done, but move on you must.
It’s easier for men to do this, firstly, because we tend to be a bit less emotionally involved(These crazy azz dudes that can’t seem to let go notwithstanding). And secondly, because we tend to be the initiators of relationships. So, we can dump you Wednesday, and put the moves on, oh, I don’t know, lets say, Jennifer or Pam, Thursday. But be you male or female, if they bring baggage, tell’em to haul azz and don’t look back.

Single and Happy

March 17th, 2014
9:25 am

Naw Disco, just my usual boring weekend. My thing is I don’t make generalizations, I get to know each individual, found it works better that way.

disco

March 17th, 2014
9:29 am

Purple – often I’ve found that people will ask you to tell them about your last relationship. Do you think this is a suitable question for them to ask or should it be avoided?

Hey 2C, Reio.

Reio – while I can respect your stance on “down the hole is down the hole” I most certainly will not get on team “D is D” because that mess is most definitely not true. some is WAY WAY WAY better than others and aside from having the same name and function there is no comparison. lol.

2CPTG©

March 17th, 2014
9:32 am

hey disco….

yeah, I ask the question, “why/how did your last relationship end?”

disco

March 17th, 2014
9:33 am

Single – I think we all make generalizations in some form or fashion. Now you may have gotten better at ignoring generalizations and giving people a fair shot on their own merits but I doubt that you’ve completely stopped generalizing. Of course, who am I and what do I know? if you have perhaps you can teach a class or something. lol.

Random – on TJMS this morning they said that 70% of the cruise passengers were female. 70%!!! That there is some bull…..

Purple Reign

March 17th, 2014
9:34 am

disco, I don’t think anything positive will come out of that question, besides who knows what people will say.

Purple Reign

March 17th, 2014
9:35 am

Purple Reign

March 17th, 2014
9:36 am

2C, I agree with asking how it ended question.

disco, asking about the details or every day happenings etc is not good..

Leggs

March 17th, 2014
9:36 am

Don’t back track, don’t sleep with the ex, don’t get involved with another until I’ve healed and is fit enough to emotionally try to connect with another. Why waste someone’s time when I’m still pining for the ex. I know many people do this and feel it’s a smart move to get under someone in order to get over someone, but that philosophy doesn’t work for me. We all have baggage, but to carry that baggage like a badge of honor is unjust. Heal your heart first and the right emotions will come to the surface to help you meet that next special someone.

Good morning, good morning!

(O/T: 2C – I have on that infamous blouse. I thought I put it on since this is the day I moved to Georgia in 1979. Yeah buddy, it still fits, original buttons, NICE!)

Reio

March 17th, 2014
9:41 am

disco – I hear you. And while I can’t speak from a female perspective on the “D”, I can imagine that more than likely, there is a vast difference, from a woman’s perspective, with respect to the “D”. Perhaps I should clarify, that every experience was different, from my vantage point, during the actual “act”, I was in a zone, momentarily, that was never really surpassed by any one woman in particular. Not even my wife. There, I said it, yes, not even my wife. And the only reason I said it, is because it’s true. The major difference between her and them, came outside the bedroom. Outside the bedroom, none of the others even compared to her. Then or now. And that, also, is the truth. I’m just sitting here realizing just how vastly different the “act” can be for women, with respect to the “D”.

2CPTG©

March 17th, 2014
9:44 am

Leggs, when you gon’ retire that thing?

disco

March 17th, 2014
9:45 am

2C / purple – as far as I’m concerned, saying “tell me about your last relationship” and “tell me how your last relationship ended” are awfully close. sure there’s a slight difference but the real difference is in how the person answers. A chick like me. tell me about your last relationship – it’s over. next. How did your last relationship end – it’s over. next.

Reio

March 17th, 2014
9:47 am

“…… A chick like me. tell me about your last relationship – it’s over. next. How did your last relationship end – it’s over. next.”

You sound like my kinda chick, disco. Hell.

Purple Reign

March 17th, 2014
9:50 am

disco, “tell me how it ended” is a one time discussion. Talking about your past relationships etc is not a one time discussion. “Oh he used to”, “Oh we used to”, “He would do this”, “He used to like this” no matter how random or constant it doesn’t need to happen for a man or woman. To me that’s a sign that the person is not over her ex.

Reio

March 17th, 2014
9:50 am

disco – yo azz alright wit me!!

YesSheIsCute

March 17th, 2014
9:51 am

Most of the time the person who is breaking up already checked out of the relationship long before they broke it off. It’s the person being broken up with that still hasn’t checked out yet. If someone asks my why/how my last relationship ended I just say we weren’t compatible. The End.

Totally unrelated but I have the weirdest craving for Chinese food. Guess I can kiss that dream goodbye.

2CPTG©

March 17th, 2014
9:52 am

disco you don’t sound like one of those gals who linger over an ex…..do you have to “take time” to regroup, or when it’s over, it’s over….next?

2CPTG©

March 17th, 2014
9:53 am

I see you said that, already….

Single and Happy

March 17th, 2014
9:54 am

Disco, I really don’t make them don’t think about them, don’t ask questions about past relationships. I also heard that abut the tjms cruise, but why is that a surprise, how many black men really travel, and those that do, how many like to cruise?

Purple Reign

March 17th, 2014
9:55 am

2C, I think disco is a player. lol I maybe wrong, but I think a long term relationship or serious relationship is not on her radar.

Leggs

March 17th, 2014
9:56 am

2C ~ I’ll retire it when it no longer fits, has holes, buttons fall off. You would not know this blouse is that old if I didn’t say anything…all good…AND, it’s Green (lol).

Single and Happy

March 17th, 2014
9:57 am

I don’t ask how or why it ended, because I’m only going to hear one side of the story, and if her arse was a crazy stalker with restraining orders, do you think she’s really going to share it with her new victim (LOL)

tell me about your last relationship – it’s over. next. How did your last relationship end – it’s over. next. Wonder twin powers activate (LOL)

disco

March 17th, 2014
10:01 am

Single – the numbers didn’t necessarily surprise so much as stun me. frankly I’m used to the male/female ratio being skewed but still sometimes it catches me off guard. Good thing I’m not willing to pay the outrageous markup to go on TJs cruise. I’d be perturbed to death about there not being any guys to dance with. that’s some fraggle naggle bull. lol.

disco

March 17th, 2014
10:04 am

Purple – I wouldn’t necessarily classify myself as a player. it’s not necessarily my intent it’s just that opportunities present themselves. lol. I’m in a “copacetic state” right now. an if it ain’t broke don’t fix it place. I don’t feel compelled to try to force something where there is nothing. would I be open to a relationship? Sure. would I be willing to compromise a whole lot for the sake of being in one? nope. I figure if it’s right the merge will be seamless enough. I’m too old to be “pretending to change” for the sake of having a man.

Single and Happy

March 17th, 2014
10:05 am

disco, isn’t it like that almost everywhere you go, unless it’s Vegas or Rio, most guys will only travel because their woman want’s to go, I’ve gone many places and been the only single guy there, and most of the time the only black person there.

Leggs

March 17th, 2014
10:06 am

Bottom line is if your heart isn’t healthy, why try to give it to someone. No one wants to be around a diseased heart!

Button

March 17th, 2014
10:07 am

What are other ways you can get over an ex? move on to the next! what other ways can you do it other than getting out and meeting someone new? I’ve never just sit around mopping over a guy, tsk tsk tsk. He/she is an ex for a reason. No need to sulk and keep going back for schex hanging on for dear life hoping that he/she would take you back.

2CPTG©

March 17th, 2014
10:08 am

would I be open to a relationship? Sure.

I know I’on know you like that….but I find this hard to believe….

disco

March 17th, 2014
10:10 am

A lot of folks give “banging the ex” a bad rap. Let’s face it. it’s not necessarily a bad idea depending on the reason for the breakup. Not all breakups are nasty. Some are quite amicable. Some folks really do remain friends. It’s not always about crying the blues and cutting tires. lol. I have one friend who has been divorced for over a decade and she and her ex-husband still hook up from time to time when they are both in between relationships.

2C – here’s what you’ve been waiting for. the first one of the day. “shut up”. lol.

Button

March 17th, 2014
10:14 am

I would guess if you’ve been in a relationship for yearssssss waiting to get married and he/she just up and leave then you might need to take sometime to air out your heart and then get back into the game.

Purple Reign

March 17th, 2014
10:15 am

2C, I agree with you again. I find that hard to imagine as well. LOL

Leggs, you are still wearing the shirt form 1979? Does it have ruffles and no sleeves?

disco, you’re open if the opportunity presents it self? What kind of guy would make you shut down your rotation?

2CPTG©

March 17th, 2014
10:15 am

I have one friend who has been divorced for over a decade and she and her ex-husband still hook up from time to time when they are both in between relationships.

sounds familiar…..

Reio

March 17th, 2014
10:16 am

I’m just sitting here, reminiscing, pondering over past relationships. I can’t recall breaking up over this. They all seemed to start with me, and not mention other men, for some reason. Unless they did, and I can’t recall any of them. I definitely don’t remember ever ending a relationship because of this. The only thing I can vaguely recall is a gal I hung out with that seemed to hint around that she wanted to go to this expensive restaurant in town. I had never been there. Never really thought about it. Everybody knew it was expensive and the waiting list was long.(Still don’t see my azz gittin on a waiting list for a restaurant. Chit kaint be THAT good). But seems like, as I recall, she mentioned that she “Went there with a guy, and it was nice…” to me, a time or two. But I don’t remember her harping on it much. I guess she eventually decided that “Let me shut up, cause this muthafugga ain’t gon take me there anyway. Cheap somb!tch!” However, we broke up over other stuff down the road.

Fay

March 17th, 2014
10:19 am

Mornin..

Guilty…I have started talking to folks while not over another. But I have been honest if I tell you me and old dude ended a week ago and you still want to give me a call hey. Usually I do take some time to breathe though…there have been times where I have been 2 years deep in not being interested in anyone but maybe I was just busy.

My last relationship ended and it lingered for a while (not sex) and when it was finally kaput …I felt like living on the beach and being carefree …the relationship was so emotionally draining…glad its over!

Button

March 17th, 2014
10:22 am

Single – most of the time the only black person there…—> most of the time?? shoot all the time for me, it’s a darn shame! LOL I can could on one hand how many black ppl I see when I go on vacation. Unless I’m in myrtle beach for the black bikers weekend then it’s a sea of em LOL

Button

March 17th, 2014
10:23 am

meant can count..not could.

disco

March 17th, 2014
10:24 am

Purple – the man for me?

1. one that I like (that sounds easy enough but I don’t like a lot of people and a lot of people don’t like me – lol).

2. one that doesn’t bring too many of his own issues to the table. Men love to claim women are bitter but seem to be in complete denial about all the zombie men walking around emotionally wounded.

3. I need one that’s both good on paper and good in real life. paper doesn’t always mean anything by itself and a good person in general might not be worth a dang on paper. I’ve run into guys with bad credit, no job, six kids, medical issues, you name it. I have no time for any of that.

4. I need a man who was brought up kind of rough so that he’ll be better able to understand who I am. I need a man who is tough because let’s face it, a lot of men talk a good game but a lot of men are punks.

Do I need to go on or can I simply say I’ll recognize it when I come across it?

Single and Happy

March 17th, 2014
10:26 am

Button, the only place I’ve seen a few more is Jamaica, and Freeport.

Reio

March 17th, 2014
10:30 am

disco – I qualify on all, 1 – 4. Hell. I’m special, I guess. I’on know.

Single and Happy

March 17th, 2014
10:30 am

Disco, what’s your definition of a punk?

2CPTG©

March 17th, 2014
10:32 am

poor disco…….