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Dating: Hot pursuit

I received an email from a reader, Val, who is having a hard time with mixed signals from a guy. She wants to know if there is a way to tell when someone is pursuing you sexually versus pursuing with relationship as the end game. Her dating experience is limited and she said that it is hard to “read between the lines.”

Her email made me think about how people pursue someone they like and the reasons why. If you are only interested in hooking up, do you approach and pursue in the same manner as you would someone who you really want to invest time in?

I just wonder if some folks get more respect and consideration because there is a genuine interest.

What advice would you give Val about how you can tell when someone is pursuing you solely for sex?

By Wise Diva

493 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

March 13th, 2014
5:12 am

Good morning everyone.

To your friend with the limited experience, one thing I can say is if they are making innuendoes/jokes or bringing up intimate topics from jump street, they just told you what was on their mind. If you have the question in your mind, you pretty much already know. But for the sake of giving the benefit of the doubt, ask them straight up, see what their response is and deal with it accordingly.

A lot of these things could be resolved by going to the source of the “problem” and talking to them yourself instead of asking miscellaneous people what we think it could be. I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about stuff like this. My biggest concern is a language exam right now. Oh, the joys of academia :D

YesSheIsCute

March 13th, 2014
5:13 am

lee

March 13th, 2014
6:43 am

Good Morning,

Yes i disagree no one (except for a rare few may say yup just want the –/ and good luck on the test) is going to admit they just want to bump you. Its in his actions:

1. Does he just call at the last minute to take you out or is he making plans with you?
2. Are is calls & texts clean or are they filled with racy words and phrases dirty pic?
3. Does he ask questions regarding your life your wants & needs?
4. Is he concerned with what is going on in your life or does he tell you gee how are you going to get through that?

and lastly go with what your womanly intuition tells you.

And just who unplugged the heater outside???

YesSheIsCute

March 13th, 2014
7:32 am

Lee, that’s why I said see what the response is. Usually a person’s words are incongruent with their mannerisms and behavior in speaking if they are lying. See what the total reaction is and then act accordingly.

Single and Happy

March 13th, 2014
7:53 am

Hey everyone, morning yes

What advice would you give Val about how you can tell when someone is pursuing you solely for sex? you can’t, you just have to go with the flow and not do anything until you’re ready.

Fay

March 13th, 2014
8:41 am

Mornin..

I remember I met a guy at a restaurant he bought me lunch and we exchanged numbers the very next day he was making plans for me to see his home….I was like hold up thats too close for comfort. I don’t need to see your house..for what??? Not to say if I went something would go down but I don’t want to be put in a precarious situation where its a sort of intimate setting and now I am trying to get dude to stop touching me.

I guess his actions will dictate what he is looking for ….not his words!

Celisea

March 13th, 2014
8:54 am

Val…..girl let me tell you, EVERY dude is out for the drawers, until you show them otherwise. You’re with that mess….OR NOT. And by that I mean you can’t be afraid to give it a try, but you should be cautious. You set the tone, the standard, raise the bar. Let buddy know sure, cool you can take me out…..ye’en getting none though. And because I know likely you’re on the hunt, it’s going to be a minute. Now, it’s on him. If he means well, he’ll stick around. If not, truuust he’ll get tired and move it along. And don’t allow ANYONE to tell youvotherwise, to tell you’re playing games cause you won’t fall for the trap.

In the flip side….AND YOU MUST KNOW….there are those dudes that don’t want nothing and will wait….right along with you. THIS is where it gets sticky. Eyes and ears opened. Turn your intuition knob up higher, because likely that’s what you’ll lean on. Words and actions should align. Trust if he’s a gamer, he might be good, but he’s not infallible.

It is your duty to protect your heart and body. You’re the keeper of the gate. Val, let me tell you, because I don’t play the floozy, I’ve heard it all….lol….I’ve been called prude and everything else….ANNNND?? My body, I say when. Also, I’ve had dudes to pursue, knowing they didn’t want nothing and turn on me. lololol. Can you say enemy number one??? lolol. That’s what I meant. You wait them out and their TRUE COLORS WILL ALWAYS SHOW. Fangs and all!!

Alright, gotta get ready for work.

TOOOOOODDDDLLLLEEESSS!!!!!

Celisea

March 13th, 2014
8:56 am

Please excuse my typos :mrgreen: My bad!!

disco

March 13th, 2014
9:06 am

Good morning. I agree with single – quite simply, generally you cannot tell. All you can do is play it out. sometimes you get lucky and a dude will lay it on the line but trust just because he talks/acts right doesn’t mean his intentions are what you think. Guys will date you, court you, meet the parents, go through all the rigamarole for however long it takes. Doesn’t mean he’s serious. Just means he has time on his hands to invest in the game. a guy can sleep with you on the first night and not call after, a guy can pursue you for months or even years and sleep with you and move on. you can’t call it.

2CPTG© - thinking out loud all day today - may be on topic, may not be.....

March 13th, 2014
9:17 am

I’d say, Val, go for what YOU want…..since you don’t know what he wants, then go for what you want……that’ll put the onus on him to reveal his intentions; If you want something serious, throw it out there…check the response….usually, that’ll give you the answer to both questions….

Fay

March 13th, 2014
9:18 am

Not sure if I agree with this notion that a guy would pursue for months/years just to hit it once and move on…there should be some signs by then unless their very good actors!

Fay

March 13th, 2014
9:20 am

Nice 2C …I agree!

disco

March 13th, 2014
9:23 am

Fay – The average guy that’s sniffing around is sniffing in more than one please. If he’s hitting on the east side that buys him time to bide his time on the west side. NOW not every dude is going to stick around for a long time trying to hit but many do. you often find these jokers secure in their position in the “friend zone” just waiting on opportunity. They help you move, they do odd jobs, they just want to stay in your sphere. It’s all just waiting on that one moment in time. and that’s where they gamble comes in. after that one moment in time things can go either way.

disco

March 13th, 2014
9:25 am

ladies – I advise you to make sure dude’s stuff is together. I know plenty of chicks who think they got a serious relationship when what they really got was a dude who needed somewhere to stay and who pretended to be in a serious relationship to get a roof over his head. may sound extreme but it’s real. lol.

Celisea

March 13th, 2014
9:29 am

And Val…..if his fangs aren’t retracted while hes’ giving you advice….RUN!!! ‘Member Little Red Riding Hood??? Okay then! Go with whatcha know

Fay

March 13th, 2014
9:30 am

disco ..I guess I see now why I don’t have many guy friends…lol.

Bluzgirl

March 13th, 2014
9:38 am

Morning all!

I agree with 2C…absolutely go for whatever it is you want. His true intentions will come out.

Lee – that is a great list of some signs he just wants you for booty.

Leggs

March 13th, 2014
9:38 am

“…if there is a way to tell when someone is pursuing you sexually versus pursuing with relationship as the end game. Her dating experience is limited and she said that it is hard to “read between the lines.” – When someone is pursuing you with relationship in mind, they’re more respectful and gentlemanly. If sex is what they’re want, one should be able to pick up on that. Convo is probably sprinkled with sexual innuendos, calls after 9:00, only lunch dates, again lots of innuendos and slick talk trying to mask their true intent. If you think you have a wolf in sheep clothing, you probably do.

2C ~ great advice!

Good morning.

Bluzgirl

March 13th, 2014
9:39 am

disco – you know I can relate to your 9:25! LOL

Heidi Golighty

March 13th, 2014
9:44 am

Good Morning Blog People!

OMG!!!! This is soooo easy to figure out

When a man is serious about you, he can’t get enough of you. He makes plans in advance to be with you spend time with you, etc.. He calls when he says he will, shows up when he says he will; he’s accountable.

When he’s not into you and is only trying to hit: He calls when he feels like it which does not correlate with your watch, shows up when he feels like it, basically he does things according to his needs and wants and does not put you first.

If a guy is only into sex, he will act like the first guy I described and then once he gets what he wants, he will distance himself acting more and more like the second guy I described. And then, women will get tricked into thinking he’s into her when he acts like the first guy from time to time . Don’t fall for the banana in the tail pipe. The dude is doing what he has to do to keep the sex going until he’s tired of you completely.

The best way to find out which type of guy you are dealing with is to not sleep with him. Forget the 90 day rule. That’s a joke that makes it easier for guys to play women.

Too often, women believe the words out of his mouth before they give it time for the actions to be in parallel. Women move too fast. They think, he’s doing everything I wanted, he loves me, he’s here for me, etc…. I can give him some because we are in a relationship.
Don’t believe the hype. Some , but not all guys will play the relationship card if they just want sex. They do this because they want a good girl (hoes in the street are too easy for them) and they know (or think) good girls are only going to give it up if they believe they are in a relationship.

You know that song, “….Give me some of that old school loving…….”
Here’s what I took from that. Take your time to build a relationship based on friendship first. The way that it took time to have a solid bond with your girlfriends, you kinda have to treat dating the same way. Be genuine, be friendly, relax, enjoy being with the person. It’s strange how girls will go to the moon and back for their girlfriends but won’t do the same for their man or a relationship that is growing. I’m not saying you have to do everything or be taken advantage of but girls will cook for one another, be there for one another, just listen when needed, but won’t put an inch of effort into a guy unless he’s given her ring. Dating is a lot like trying to get the promotion you want. You put forth the effort of doing the work of the position you want while still working in your current position but you just don’t go all in and move your belongings into the new office until you you’ve been hired. Women just gotta slow their role and take their time. Keep legs closed. It’s real hard for a man to play you if you aren’t sleeping with him.
Men are very simple creatures it’s just us women that complicate things.

SlimNu

March 13th, 2014
9:50 am

Heidi – Um, it might be time to pay up….your first blog citation for that long arse post. :lol:

Reio

March 13th, 2014
9:52 am

Morning all!

“Men are very simple creatures it’s just us women that complicate things.”

I agree. Nothing wrong with putting it out there, as 2C suggested. See how he responds and go from there. However, some guys will say whatever they think you want to here, knowing full well that their intentions are untoward.

Leggs

March 13th, 2014
9:53 am

Heidi ~ you’ve been fined. First offense, you’ll get off light. Please pay cashier $79.84.

Nonetheless, on point!

YesSheIsCute

March 13th, 2014
10:01 am

I like Heidi’s post. I wholeheartedly concur. Buen dia mi amiga.

Leggs

March 13th, 2014
10:02 am

Anybody here?

2CPTG© - thinking out loud all day today - may be on topic, may not be.....

March 13th, 2014
10:03 am

Heidi…..still looking for a job?

YesSheIsCute

March 13th, 2014
10:05 am

Leggs I’m here :D

Heidi Golighty

March 13th, 2014
10:05 am

I don’t think there is anything wrong with going to a guy’s house on a date.
It’s really no different from going on a first date in public with a guy you don’t know all that well.
Think about it…. if you felt uncomfortable to go to his house then why are you going on a date in public with him in the first place.

Here’s how you protect yourself so that you can have a first date at a guy’s house. Same rules apply if you are going to have a first date in public
step 1: Get to know him by talking to him a lot on the phone (texting does not qualify)
Step 2: Always trust your instincts. If there is something off on those phone conversations, you don’t need to go on a date with him anywhere, period.
Step 3: Go on a date during daylight hours and have a purpose in mind. Stay away from the dude that is like hey how bout you come over and we watch movies. That’s code for lets’ cuddle on the couch and eventually move it to the bedroom…….
I mean that’s not a proper first date to come over to someone’s house and watch movies if you are trying to get to know them. Does not give you the opportunity to get to know them because you are busy watching the movie
Step 4: So, guy is like how about you come over and I’ll cook for you. Game changer: Make sure you bring a dish and it’s one you cooked and not one you bought. You show up during daylight hours, you have your dish, you help him cook. All is good. Another way to stay ahead is to not drink alcohol while you are there (don’t drink before you go over there either) and to leave before the sun goes down.
Guys aren’t stupid. If they just want you for sex they want it to be consensual. If a dude is trying to date rape you, he’s not going to do if you are sober and if you’ve been talking on the phone consistently for several weeks or so. I mean c’mon!!! Dudes don’t want to go to jail for rape.
The whole, I went to his house and he raped me usually A) only happens in movies B) Alcohol was involved and he spiked your drink . I’m not saying rape doesn’t happen nor am I saying it’s the woman’s fault it’s just that the odds for date rape (not the rape of stranger hiding out in the corner) significantly go down if there are no drugs or alcohol involved.

Lastly, first dates at a guy’s house are a great way to see his true character. People will tend to let their guard down when they are in their own homes versus out in public.
I had a first date at a guy’s house once and I learned a lot. He was respectful of my physically space in the sense he didn’t try anything but disrespectful in the sense that he would hold lengthy conversations with people (a woman) when his phone went off. I didn’t drink anything but I feel he had a lot rum and cokes that night. That’s a red flag for me since I don’t drink for a person to have more than two drinks in one setting.

None the less, I enjoyed his company and that was it. No love connection no nothing…. but something tells me that if the date had started out in public he would have put up a bigger front and I would have fallen for his representatives.

Heidi Golighty

March 13th, 2014
10:07 am

Hey 2 Pac! Yes, still looking for a job. I have a phone interview next week that I’m really excited about. I hope I get it. But until I receive a firm acceptance offer, I’m still looking.

Bluzgirl

March 13th, 2014
10:07 am

Heidi – You are awesome, but it’s too early to read those long posts! LOL

2CPTG© - thinking out loud all day today - may be on topic, may not be.....

March 13th, 2014
10:08 am

Heidi, stop making sense….these gals that’ve been here for awhile gon stop liking you…..

Heidi Golighty

March 13th, 2014
10:09 am

LOL Slimnu. I guess I wrote a novel huh

Heidi Golighty

March 13th, 2014
10:09 am

LOL Bluz…
it’s just a topic I’m passionate about.

Heidi Golighty

March 13th, 2014
10:10 am

Leggs, I can’t pay… see the way my bank account set up…….

YesSheIsCute

March 13th, 2014
10:10 am

Heidi I enjoy your posts. 80% sounds like something I have said or would say. The other 20% is interesting to read :) Speaking of long posts I haven’t read a long post from Reio in awhile. I enjoyed those ones too.

Heidi Golighty

March 13th, 2014
10:11 am

Yessheis: Hola Blog Bestie. Que paso!!!

Heidi Golighty

March 13th, 2014
10:12 am

YESSHEIS, we are there :-)

2CPTG© - thinking out loud all day today - may be on topic, may not be.....

March 13th, 2014
10:13 am

disco

March 13th, 2014
10:13 am

Heidi – i’m not sure if leggs issued you a demerit for that long A post but at least it was good reading. For the most part I was with you. right up until you said chicks tend to do more for their girlfriends than they do for the guy in the “budding” relationship. Well guess what? the girlfriends have already proven themselves. your loyalty is already with them. that dude is still trying to get there. I’d argue that too many chicks abandon their girlfriends and give their all to a man who may – or more than likely – may not live up to expectations.

2CPTG© - thinking out loud all day today - may be on topic, may not be.....

March 13th, 2014
10:13 am

really blog….

disco

March 13th, 2014
10:15 am

Heidi – re that second long post. avoid the house date please. Unless you already knew dude and just got around to attempting to date him, the house date is a bad idea. NOW I will say if one must have a house date I prefer you go to his house than have him come to yours.

YesSheIsCute

March 13th, 2014
10:17 am

Heidi estoy trabajando y muy cansada porque anoche tenia problemas con mi coche. :(

2CPTG© - thinking out loud all day today - may be on topic, may not be.....

March 13th, 2014
10:17 am

first random…..

since I never found that phantom email form disco, wonder if she gon’ send another one?????

Fay

March 13th, 2014
10:17 am

if you felt uncomfortable to go to his house then why are you going on a date in public with him in the first place….Huh?

I never went on a date in public with him…all I can say is to each his own. Just isn’t me…maybe I just wasn’t feeling him whatever the case it seemed too soon.

Single and Happy

March 13th, 2014
10:17 am

Disco, I’m with you on those house dates, she might be cray cray

2CPTG© - thinking out loud all day today - may be on topic, may not be.....

March 13th, 2014
10:18 am

tenia problemas con mi coche.

problems wit’ yo coochie????

Fay

March 13th, 2014
10:19 am

too many chicks abandon their girlfriends and give their all to a man who may – or more than likely – may not live up to expectations…man o man aint that the truth!

Unless you already knew dude and just got around to attempting to date him, the house date is a bad idea…Yup!

Heidi Golighty

March 13th, 2014
10:19 am

Lo Siento Yeshshe :-(

2 Pac, LOL, she means car!

disco

March 13th, 2014
10:20 am

2C – re Heidi making sense. I’ll give it to Super Post number one. Super Post number two I can’t co-sign. Have a chick chopped up and in a freezer somewhere or perhaps chained to a wall in a hidden room under the stairs. Y’all know we used to talk serial killers all the time. Those are some generally smooth fellas. ijs. lol.

Leggs

March 13th, 2014
10:21 am

“…if you felt uncomfortable to go to his house then why are you going on a date in public with him in the first place.” – First and foremost, in public there are other people. To go on a first date at his home, anything can go awry and it’s just the two of you. Sometimes brute force can knock an unsuspecting person out. Seriously, too many variables going to someone’s else for a first date when you don’t really know the person.

Heidi ~ dang, you did it again and then tell me you can’t pay. This is a first I’m confronted with re: nonpayment. You must do community service and stand on the corner of 8th and P’tree doing jumping jacks for 20 mins nonstop…GO! Let me know when you get there so I can time you.