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Sloppy seconds dilemma

See if you can follow this dating misadventure: Rick and Eva dated years ago in college. Actually dating is not the accurate term, more like hooked up. Fast forward to present day and Rick runs into Eva at a fight party. She asked him to introduce her to his single guy friends because she is new to Atlanta. Still with me?

Rick gives her Trent’s number and now Trent and Eva are in a relationship. Neither told Trent the back in the day roll in the hay from college. I think you can guess how this is going. Eva didn’t know the competitive dynamic of the friendship and Trent is not cool with the fact that “his boy smashed first.”

Eva is shocked this is even an issue but she is not apologetic about her past because she knows Trent has one too. So she wants to know if there is anything she can do to repair the friendship of the guys.

Would you have a problem seeing someone who used to date or hook up someone you are close too? Do you think of it as having someone’s sloppy seconds or is that just about ego?

By Wise Diva

427 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

March 11th, 2014
6:09 am

Good morning.

Eva should have known better. I dealt with a similar situation except I didn’t ask the dude directly for his friend of a friend’s number. I ended up getting hooked up by a different mutual friend. Ex either was mature enough not to care or still doesn’t know. Anyway, good morning everyone!

lee

March 11th, 2014
6:52 am

Good Morning,

I don’t have a problem with it, but i never dated a friend of someone i use to date. Why does he have a problem with it if it happened long ago? Insecure? After the first time anyone that has DoneIt, everyone else is second third, forth and so on.. Grow Up.. Or maybe this is way out, doesn’t know how to end it so he uses that to make a big deal about it and acts like he can’t handle that knowledge so they will have to part ways.

ex- haha ok i wear the shoe but it doesn’t fit.

Single and Happy

March 11th, 2014
7:43 am

Hey everyone

This is a easy one, GROW THE HELL UP!!!

Single and Happy

March 11th, 2014
8:08 am

Morning yes, hope you had a nice trip.

Celisea

March 11th, 2014
8:12 am

All Imma say is that men talk a big game, but in reality (many if not most) haven’t overcome certain things…certain topics. It’s how they’re wired and programmed. Some will try and professed they’ve moved on with the times and smashing is no biggie. The best way to lose a man is be Queen Floozy. You can’t (hardly) roll around in the hay with one and look his BFF in the face as to take up with him.

Dudes can know you’re no virgin, as long as they don’t hear or know about your past….be it good, bad or just indifferent. ‘Member the many conversations surrounding “magical numbers?” Some things should (rightfully) be left in the past. For one, it’s not anyone else’s business that wasn’t back there with you and secondly, cause most of these jokers will talk out of the side of their necks, but really can’t deal or hang with the truth. So, why would you wanna be that gal that’s had all the dudes in ya boo’s circle to see your beauty mark? Can tell exactly where it’s located.

It’s the old double standard adage in many ways. Some things we won’t ever overcome….just how men are wired. You don’t see a chick sweating this kind of thing (as much), like a dude will.

Anywoo, I’z dog tired. Had a greeeeat time, but it was late and I’m tired. Didn’t get to bed til after 3:00 a.m. I’m dragging, but at least I’m moving. Gotta get up and at ‘em!!

TOOOOOODLES!!!!!

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

March 11th, 2014
8:14 am

There’s nothing she can do to “fix” their friendship, they’ll be aight if Trent has some self confidence.

EOD, the problem buddy likely has is that no one told him, and he butt hurt.

If he likes her, and more importantly, himself, he’ll get over it.

Button

March 11th, 2014
8:21 am

Didn’t Rick give Eva Trent’s number? what did he think they were going to talk about, their favorite recipes! lol
I don’t see the competitive nature of all of this. It’s not like they are trying to date her at the same time. Eva should come clean and let Trent know about the roll in the hay if their relatioship has any merit that is. I know I would want to know. The relationship is already starting on the wrong foot with all this secrecy. smh

Would you have a problem seeing someone who used to date or hook up someone you are close too? No, why? bc what we had is over esp if it’s eons ago. I have no say in it. I don’t own him.

Do you think of it as having someone’s sloppy seconds or is that just about ego? I don’t think it’s either.

Good morning!

Button

March 11th, 2014
8:24 am

Ok, I had to go back and read.lol

Trent does know about the smashing. This is a hot mess! LOL
Again Rick gave Eva his number so the jokes on him!

disco

March 11th, 2014
8:35 am

Good morning.

First things first – I agree with single. The parties involved simply need to grow up.

Re sloppy seconds. There is no problem with being second. There is however a problem with being sloppy. Handle that.

disco

March 11th, 2014
8:53 am

Random: re the story of the family being held hostage by a cat. all I can say is that if that was my boyfriend and he had us hemmed up in a bedroom behind a cat and he called 911 for help I would immediately break up with him. game over.

Button

March 11th, 2014
8:59 am

disco – I heard that story this morning and all I can say cats are mean and dangerous. I don’t like cats, they always go for the neck/face. Feral cats do the most when it comes to fighting.

disco

March 11th, 2014
9:05 am

Button – it’s no secret that I’ve never liked cats. this isn’t about the cat though. this is about a grown man cowering to a 22 pound cat. I’m sorry I would have lost respect for dude right at that moment. He didn’t think he could take out a cat? come on now. lol.

YesSheIsCute

March 11th, 2014
9:09 am

Hey Single it was good and relaxing until the spring breakers came. I went with 2 couples so you know I was the 5th wheel. We had a lot of fun just relaxing on the beach. Next time I go to Florida it will be on my own though or no couples just girls.

Button

March 11th, 2014
9:09 am

disco – have you not seen a cat fight? I commend dude for looking out for the baby and everybody else. You do know you can get an infection and your life is at risk by being bit/clawed by a cat right? I believe dude had all of that inconsideration.

Button

March 11th, 2014
9:10 am

I miss my hour!!!!
They need to stop with this time change mess. Who’s in charge of this? lol

Bluzgirl

March 11th, 2014
9:13 am

Morning!

If this is an issue for Trent, then Eva needs to move on. Obviously, he’s not mature…

disco – I haven’t heard that story yet…I’ll have to go find it

disco

March 11th, 2014
9:16 am

Button – yep. I get all that. still, it’s a grown man and it’s a cat. it’s not even a grown man out of his element. It’s a grown man in his own home. there’s nothing in that bedroom that he can clock that cat with? ijs. that cat would have been wearing a dresser drawer upside his head on the left and a lamp upside his head on the right. I stand by my stance that if that was my man I would break up with him. lol.

disco

March 11th, 2014
9:22 am

Button – I also grew up with the family legend of my grandfather punching a dog out. lol. apparently this was the dog that terrorized the neighborhood. It ran up on the wrong one and got punched dead in it’s little dog face. Men have to represent.

Fay

March 11th, 2014
9:23 am

Morning,

Hmmm I don’t like dating guys who are friends (they don’t even have to be friends if they know of each other I have a problem with it) never have …I would not date someone my friend used to date.

Just don’t want my name in any conversations…

Purple Reign

March 11th, 2014
9:25 am

Everyone is someone’s second. Fight party? What real fighters are there anymore? Trent is just upset because he is the last one to know nd I hate to say it but the relationship won’t work out because he has already shown it’s a problem for him. How far removed out of college are they? Rick just passed Eva off to the homies, he will/can and probably will hit it again. lol Rick doesn’t value Trent as a friend if he did he would have told him that he used to hit. Man Code.

Button

March 11th, 2014
9:25 am

disco – LOL @ dog got punched in the face.

@ dude – maybe he’s a lover and not a fighter lol

Purple Reign

March 11th, 2014
9:26 am

Also, I would question why a woman would even want to date two guys who are friends.

2CPTG©

March 11th, 2014
9:28 am

“Rick, hook me up with one of your friends……but don’t tell him we hunched…”

“Trent, this is my homegirl Eva, from back in the days……and ‘fore you even ask, the answer is yes!”

disco

March 11th, 2014
9:28 am

Fay – we’ve often discussed dating the exes of friends and opinions are pretty evenly split. Me? I’m on team date who the heck you want. No one owns anyone. being an ex makes you just that – an ex. Life is short and you are the only person that gets to live your life. You might be missing out on someone that’s great for you all in the name of not hurting someone else’s feelings or even worse. All in the name of them just being a blocker. later for them. lol.

Button

March 11th, 2014
9:28 am

Purple – good point! I didn’t even think about it that way. Yeah I agree Rick will hit it again and he’s not much of a friend anyway. Eva was just passed around like a mulberry bush. lol some dudes can be so messy and trifling.

Purple Reign

March 11th, 2014
9:28 am

disco, that cat would have been shot, choked out, neck rung, thrown by the tail. How do you let a cat lock you down….in front of your family? In certain situations, even if you lose, you have to fight for your family. LOL a cat? Where they city folks? How are you going to be scared of something smaller than you?

Button

March 11th, 2014
9:31 am

disco – nothing wrong with dating friends of exes when you’re going in with both eyes opened. I like to know what I’m stepping into. Tell me upfront and if I’m down then it’s all good. At least give me the choice of whether I want to or not.

disco

March 11th, 2014
9:32 am

Purple – in this situation she isn’t dating two friends. One is just an old jumpoff. Apparently they both respected the situation for what it was and they’re still cool. nothing wrong so far. She asks for a hookup, dude hooked her up. still all good. the issue is that the new guy is an insecure buster who is probably worried about whose man parts are bigger. new dude needs to grow up or go on about his business.

Purple – we tracking on the cat. like I said, I would have broke up with dude right then and there. when the carted off the cat they could have took him too.

Purple Reign

March 11th, 2014
9:32 am

Trent messed around and caught feelings and how did he find out anyway?

SlimNu

March 11th, 2014
9:36 am

I concur with what’s already been said, get a grip and get over it.

Leggs

March 11th, 2014
9:40 am

“So she wants to know if there is anything she can do to repair the friendship of the guys.” – I don’t think she should feel responsible to have to fix it. They’re acting like kids on the playground. Hell, we’re all someone’s sloppy seconds. I don’t think it’s fair for him to get upset with her over something that happened way back when. Nor was it her responsibility to tell him they “smashed” back in day. Perhaps Rick could have said something when he was giving him her number but then, he too wasn’t obligated to say anything. Foolishness…

Now, I’m going back to read the end of yesterday’s posts to be caught up with the ending convo.

Good morning!

YesSheIsCute

March 11th, 2014
9:44 am

I had a friend when I was in Germany. She only liked to date black men. One day we went out to the club and found out all three of her exes “coincidentally” knew each other (like hang out with each other). She saw nothing wrong with that picture…

Fay

March 11th, 2014
9:45 am

That is one area I am just not in agreement…really I am just looking out for me..I don’t want people discussing me in any derogatory way….I like my personal life private.

Leggs

March 11th, 2014
9:46 am

2C is cool with me, probably always will be. Nothing bad jumped off, just didn’t like him coming on acting like “we gals” did something. Who’s gonna defend me if I don’t defend myself (lololol). All’s good.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

March 11th, 2014
9:49 am

I think I’ve mentioned this story here before but,

I have a homeboy that went after girls I dated (he may have done it to other friends too, but I’ve only heard of my girld being the targets).

That said, cuzzo got after one of my old JOs and called me to tell me (him was proud); in a moment of weakness, I cursed the girl out for doing it. I later contacted her, apologized for my language and tell her that I wasn’t mad at her, but hurt that she’d do something so…slimy.

Well, she responded that she did it specifically to hurt me (as I had hurt her). The more rational portion of my brain asked her how willingly becoming the person ’shared’ by more than one person in a crew would hurt anyone *but* her. No answer later, I still talk to my patna (I did punch him for violating the rule of not calling), and when I see old girl, I have to shake my head in pity.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

March 11th, 2014
9:51 am

disco

March 11th, 2014
9:52 am

Fay – folks that are going to talk about you are going to talk about you whether they have reason to or not. folks will make up stuff to say about you if they are so inclined. I always think of the movie/tv show soul food. How terri dated Kenny and he went on to marry max. naturally, that’s tv but sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. My only point is don’t limit yourself.

disco

March 11th, 2014
9:56 am

Dan – so revenge sex is real? lol. the only problem with her plan was that you cared more about your partner than you did about her. I imagine that it really would hurt a dude if he was all IL. Sort of like how when a dude’s woman gets pregnant by someone else but he decides to stay and raise the child. He loves her but she broke a piece of him.

btw – hey leggs.

Leggs

March 11th, 2014
10:03 am

Hey there, disco! I almost picked up my book last night, but I was too tired to read. Very rare for me, but I got in the bed at 10:15.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

March 11th, 2014
10:04 am

@Disco

Oh, it is.

I’ve done it myself a frew times…#BWIM

Single and Happy

March 11th, 2014
10:04 am

Now if you live in small town, you’re gonna date someone a friend dated. if you travel in the same circles you’re gonna date someone a friend dated.If you don’t your dating pool is going to be very small.

DuShawn

March 11th, 2014
10:05 am

“Rick doesn’t value Trent as a friend if he did he would have told him that he used to hit. Man Code.”…..that about sums it up. On a similar note, occasionally, when I visit home I will run into Wifeys ex. I don’t really know dude, but she has introduced us before. When I do see him, I can’t help but think….”That muffugga done f&*ked by baby” . I can only imagine how those feelings would be magnified if he were a friend.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

March 11th, 2014
10:08 am

Morning Gang!!

Hey Disco!!

I’m with Disco & Single on this, all need to grow up! I like what Disco said – no problem with being second, but the issue is being sloppy. The whole shabang was sloppy. If Rick & Trent have such a “competitive dynamic” still going on, why would Rick even entertain introducing Eva to his buddy? And yeah, how long has it been since college? I don’t get this whole stupid situation.

Eva has no obligation to get two supposed grown A men to behave on the playground and get along. While I normally would not have wanted an ex-smash partner to introduce me to his friends, it’s hard to meet nice men, especially in a new city. Like Disco said, life’s too short to limit your options. If he was a nice enough guy and we weren’t feeling each other like that anymore and it was years ago, I don’t see the harm. I’m sure Eva thought dude and his friends were grown. Doesn’t look like that’s the case.

disco

March 11th, 2014
10:10 am

I’ve mentioned one particular ex that I kill every time I tell him that I wish I had met his brother first. 20+ years gone by and that still burns him up. and yep, me being me, I still ask “how’s your brother, what’s he up to, where’s he live now”. if dude weren’t so dark I’m sure he’d be turning all kinds of shades. lol. now I do it just because it irks him but I honestly don’t understand why it irks him. it ain’t nothing.

disco

March 11th, 2014
10:12 am

hey kimmie!!! thanks. Everyone generally agrees that you are the wise one. your agreeing with my posts makes me wise by default. Go me – go me – go me. lol.

Purple Reign

March 11th, 2014
10:12 am

All three are strange.

Eva for not knowing how to meet a man on her own outside of two friends
Trent for catching feelings when all Eva wanted was some sex. How do I know she just wanted sex? Because all she cars about is the repairing the guys friendship.
Rick for finding joy in giving he ex sex partner to his friend without letting him know.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

March 11th, 2014
10:14 am

A newer story:

At a bachelor party a few years back, a group of us (college) friends checked into a hotel. At a congregation in lobby, one of the homies identifies a chick he and a few other friends knew biblically, and mentioned seeing her. Respectful, they approached to speak to her and her dude – not mentioning anything about how they knew her beyond them sharing a mutual friendship with her group of homegirls back in the day. All was love, the group pushed on with the activities.

Next day, they found out from the front desk that the chick checked out. She’d apparently asked and found out that they were all sharing the same floor (the groupd of guys that knew her specifically) and her dude. She couldn’t take it.

A FB followup with a friend of a friend revealed that she was afraid that one the guys would let something slip, and gave her boyfriend some foul excuse for checking out.

Leggs

March 11th, 2014
10:15 am

Purple ~ it didn’t say she didn’t know how to meet a man, just that she was new to town and took that gathering as an opportunity to meet someone new.

disco

March 11th, 2014
10:19 am

Dan – now I can understand both sides of that scenario. On the one hand she could have stayed. No harm, no foul. Had her boyfriend found out something then he just would have had to deal with it. whatever. On the other hand, I have always wondered how chicks felt when they looked around a room and realized they could count the number of brothers they’ve been with and need extra fingers and toes. To each his own but at that point you might want to change your surroundings. lol.

Purple – and there is no shame in asking folks for a hookup. Well, at least folks you know and trust. Asking any old random somebody might not be a good look.

Purple Reign

March 11th, 2014
10:19 am

Ladies, if the situation were reversed would you hook a guy you used to sleep with to one of your friends if he asked?