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Deal breakers: Be realistic!

I was reading a matchmaker’s advice recently and he was talking about deal breakers. Those things we convince ourselves we just can’t compromise or learn to live with it may not be that realistic!

Some times single people can be idiots and expect ridiculous things because we don’t know better. If you ask a couple about when they first met, they may tell you how they did not think they were the “prototype” at all. Life is funny that way and we realize that what we think we want is not really good for us.

The matchmaker said things like height, job title, hip to waist ratio, breast size, penis size, wealth and culture backgrounds are all things many of us should not focus so hard on.

Do you believe that having preferences and deal breakers becomes part of why so many of us disregard great potentials?

What are some things you believe should be dropped from the list of requirements? When was the last time you did a reality check on the deal breakers in your head?

By Wise Diva

595 comments Add your comment

lee

March 5th, 2014
7:00 am

The matchmaker said things like height, job title, hip to waist ratio, penis size, wealth and culture backgrounds are all things many of us should not focus so hard on.<— that would be the fluff for me. I want someone to stand by my side and hold my hand no matter what. It is how he would treat me and those around us that i look at more.
Good morning

Heidi Golighty

March 5th, 2014
7:00 am

Aside from the obvious: heterosexual, single, in good health, blah blah blah
I think financial irresponsibility is a deal breaker for me. I’m not saying that I would turn my nose up to a guy that has debt; heck I’m still paying off student loans from 14 yrs ago and I’m racking up more by being in school. What I’m saying is that, if the guy has a significant debt to income ratio that clearly shows he is leaving outside his means and , I can’t get down like that.
Financial maturity is a big thing for me and if one is making very unwise financially decisions at 40+ yrs …I can’t. I much rather be with a guy living in a raggedy apartment, driving a bucket (or riding Marta) but is close to the point of being debt free compared to a guy living in his parents basement with 60K in debt and can’t buy a house in what seems like forever because he’s defaulted on several loans. I would cut someone a pass on that if they were in their 20’s to about mid 30’s but once you hit 40+ , it’s time to grow up and start making wise financial decisions if you’re drowning in debt.

Heidi Golighty

March 5th, 2014
7:02 am

Question for the blog: What does it mean when you’ve typed a nice size paragraph on the subject matter and after clicking submit comment, your post has vanished?

Heidi Golighty

March 5th, 2014
7:07 am

I’m really ticked off my post is gone. I’m debating if I should repost.

Anyway, while I’m still being mad….. I wonder if this is NOT a deal breaker for dudes.
Bwahahaha!!!! http://jezebel.com/meet-the-woman-who-straight-up-rocks-a-beard-1525265585?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow

Single & Happy

March 5th, 2014
7:37 am

Hello all

Do you believe that having preferences and deal breakers becomes part of why so many of us disregard great potentials? yes, but if you’re not attracted, then you are just not attracted! I’ve looked over alot of deal breakers in the past.

Hello Heidi, I think there are some word, or form of words that you will get the post kicked out. I’m not sure what they are though

Heidi Golighty

March 5th, 2014
8:25 am

Single & Happy- thanks I will try to post again

disco

March 5th, 2014
8:40 am

Good morning. some deal breakers are set in stone. No compromising allowed. I don’t care how great everything else is that deal breaker trumps it all.

Other deal breakers are just in place to give you some rough guidelines to follow. Some folks need guidelines or they’d be dating some of anybody all willy-nilly. Maybe you can deal with X as long as Y is present but X and no Y is asking too much.

YesSheIsCute

March 5th, 2014
8:41 am

Good morning everyone! Good morning Single.

I don’t have a specific type. If you look at guys that I have expressed interest in, they all are different heights, weights, ethnicities, creeds the only thing they have in common is that they were men :lol: I’m an international playa, I don’t discriminate, I don’t have many aesthetic deal breakers other than looking unkempt.

Most of my serious deal breakers are behavioral/personal hygiene issues not necessarily looks. For example, nose picking–deal breaker, not washing your hands after you use the bathroom–deal breaker, being misogynistic–deal breaker, etc.

Single & Happy

March 5th, 2014
8:43 am

Hey yes

Disco, I think diva’s reading the blog and coming up with these topics of our comments (LOL)

disco

March 5th, 2014
8:48 am

Yes – but we all pick our noses. And how do you know whether or not he washes his hands after using the restroom. Seems like you kind of have to trust him on that. lol.

Single – maybe so but that matchmaker oughtta go and kick rocks. As a single person I sure as heck get sick of folks advising me to “compromise / not be so picky / be more open-minded”. Bump all that. if it means staying single, it just means staying single. Not the end of the world.

mark

March 5th, 2014
8:56 am

im a very simple man the only dealbreakers i have are smokers and drinking above a social level.
anything else i can work around if the lady really has a great sprit.

And i know im going to catch some backlash from saying these but if she has dated a whiteman i would have a hard time dating her and i know this is wrong and im trying to stop thinking like that but as of right now thats still a deal breaker for me.

Leggs

March 5th, 2014
8:57 am

Heidi ~ smart to copy your post before hitting submit so you won’t have to retype it. Tip, you cannot use the word r i d i c u l o u s (one of many others).

Deal breakers are:

Murder
Pedophile
Alcoholic
Drugs
Don’t respect your mama
Being rude to people around me (including wait staff)

disco ~ I was about to ask how do you know he hasn’t washed his hands too. Perhaps one goes back in the bathroom to see if there’s water in the sink and if the soap has suds (lol) or if the towel is damp.

I look at character and respect above most other things.

Good Hump Day Morning! I hit the Mega Ball ($2)…haaa haaa haaa!

Into the Light

March 5th, 2014
8:58 am

Morning, all.

Heidi Golighty

March 5th, 2014
8:59 am

Thanks for the tips Leggs

Button

March 5th, 2014
8:59 am

My dealbreakers: weight, height. I don’t like em overweight or shorter than myself. That’s the reason I never liked online dating, folks always lie about their height and weight.

I can’t say that being broke is a dealbreaker but it does speal volumn since the burden will be on me to fund practically all of the dates.

As far as culture is concerned, since I’ve dated men from different cultured backgrounds, there’s only a few I will not date.

Good morning!

Fay

March 5th, 2014
9:00 am

Morning

Non Dealbreakers ….height, job title, hip to waist ratio, breast size, penis size, wealth and culture background..I agree sort of….I may have a problemo with hip to waist ratio, breast size on a guy and culture if extreme this is mostly tied to religion.

Other than that if I can find something attractive about you than I will listen and give you a shot…

Button

March 5th, 2014
9:00 am

Heidi – to solve the problem of losing your comment, just copy it that way if it doesn’t post you can paste it and try again. If that doesn’t work then change some words around or shorten it.

Into the Light

March 5th, 2014
9:01 am

Yeah, I’ll cosign all of Leggs’ list and add negativity. negative people suck the life out of me.

@stamps: if Diva read the blog yesterday, she was probably ROFL. Yesterday was hilarious.

disco

March 5th, 2014
9:02 am

Mark – it may be wrong but you are entitled. I have similar thoughts on brothers who date outside the race. I respect their right to BUT I prefer to date the ones that prefer to date black women. No judgment here.

Button

March 5th, 2014
9:02 am

Leggs- we’re –>here<— this morning on advice to Heidi

Single & Happy

March 5th, 2014
9:02 am

Bump all that. if it means staying single, it just means staying single. Not the end of the world. well said Disco, my sentiments exactly :-)

Leggs, what are signs that they don’t respect their mother, some people have good reasons!

Disco/Leggs, now if you’re sleeping with someone, you are around them when they use the bathroom, you know whether are not they washed their hands!! and if they don’t wash them at home, they more than likely don’t wash them when out!!

Heidi Golighty

March 5th, 2014
9:04 am

Okay: Lemme try this one more time

It’s a given that if the man is not heterosexual, single, respectful, prison free, blah blah blah then it will be a deal breaker.

I don’t date smokers (cigars once in a blue moon are okay) but I’m will to work with you if you are on the road to quitting.

I would say right now, something that is really hitting a nerve is financial irresponsibility. I think in your 20’s and maybe even in your early 30’s you get a pass for being financially irresponsible, living a champagne life on a coke zero budget, while living in your parents basement. It’s a huge turn off if you are still living as such in your 40’s. And if I show you how to make a come up and you basically shrug off any suggestion, it’s a wrap. Do not pass go and collect $200. I’ve lost interest, I’m buttoning up the top button of my blouse and I’m illuminating my single still looking neon sign.

Button

March 5th, 2014
9:05 am

Mark – hmmm I’ve heard that so many times from Black men. Is it just whitemen or any race?

Fay

March 5th, 2014
9:06 am

I never liked online dating, folks always lie about their height and weight….I know

Oops dealbreakers …smokers..alcoholics…I would think these are normal such as murderers and etc….I would assume smokers and excessive drinkers probably attract each other…

disco

March 5th, 2014
9:07 am

Single – maybe, maybe not. I’m not the chick to be all up in the bathroom chitchatting while a dude is doing his business. I’m not brushing my teeth while he is in the shower or trying to talk to him while he is taking a dump. What goes on in the bathroom ain’t my business. now I do know plenty of couples who share bathroom time and space but I ain’t one of them folks.

Single & Happy

March 5th, 2014
9:08 am

Fay, folks may lie, but pictures and web cam don’t!

Single & Happy

March 5th, 2014
9:09 am

Disco, you don’t have to be in the bathroom to hear the water in the sink turn on!

Fay

March 5th, 2014
9:09 am

Single old pics do!

Button

March 5th, 2014
9:10 am

Yep, smokers and alcoholics is a no no.
murderers, well it depends. Was it war related, self defense? accident?

Would having mental illness but taking meds for it a dealbreaker for anyone?
what about amputees?
what about any kind of physical disabilities? wheelchair bound?

disco

March 5th, 2014
9:11 am

Single – like that proves anything. lol. I remember my mother doing bathtub checks behind my brother when we were kids. that fool playing around in the bathroom with the shower running. Ain’t bit more got in the shower. Coming out of the bathroom still smelling like outdoors. lol.

Single & Happy

March 5th, 2014
9:12 am

Button

March 5th, 2014
9:13 am

disco – I do know plenty of couples who share bathroom time and space but I ain’t one of them folks.–>raising my hand. I do give him his space when he’s in the bathroom but if I need something I go right on in there and get it even if he’s on the toilet. I guess we’re just comfortable like with everything.

Single & Happy

March 5th, 2014
9:15 am

Disco, most GROWN folks aint trying to fool anybody.

Fay

March 5th, 2014
9:15 am

Looking at everyones lists I didn’t realize I had all these additional dealbreakers also…eye opening

Button

March 5th, 2014
9:16 am

Single – folks may lie, but pictures and web cam don’t!—> I don’t know about web cam but pictures can be old as heck. Folks steady trying to pass off old pics as current ones when they were lighter and more attractive with hair! lol

disco

March 5th, 2014
9:17 am

Dag. I had a rogue post. tried twice. no work-y. it was in response to button’s list re crazy/amputees etc. oh well.

Single – plenty grown folks are walking around here trying to fool other folks. That’s the game. the old bait and switch. lol.

2CPTG©

March 5th, 2014
9:18 am

I can’t think of any dealbreakers off the top of my head…..

Exiled!

March 5th, 2014
9:19 am

Good morning folks….

Well,this is advice coming from a Matchmaker….so,lets not get it twisted here…If you are at the matchmaker’s door seeking their damn help…well,you cant help yourself!

You been flunked..and tossed aside and but KIM by the dudes..so u are at wits end by the time u get to Ms Matchmaker….

..and here she comes the matchmaker with some advice….

So this is Begger cant be chooser type of advice! :lol:

Its a lose lose situation…

2CPTG©

March 5th, 2014
9:20 am

If you are at the matchmaker’s door seeking their damn help…well,you cant help yourself!

Excellent point!

Heidi Golighty

March 5th, 2014
9:21 am

I’m so done with online dating. It’s not so much that people lie because guys I’ve met pretty much represented their profile pretty well. The part that comes across as lie which is not easy to spot until you get involved is their true intentions. I don’t believe most men online are serious about long term and marriage. I think they really just want someone that’s going to stay long enough to put up with their crap. Anyone can say, Oh Heidi, by the way you act and blah blah blah, I see why you are single but it is so clear to me why these guys on some online dating sites are single and will probably always remain that way. It’s very sad actually. A lot of hurt men out there were hurt by someone they genuinely cared about but they just didn’t know (or want to do the things) to keep her. So in term, they go online and meet women who they think just want to settle for their BS. Maybe the other dealer breaker for me is lack of honesty. If a guy doesn’t want anyone other than the ex that got away, they really should stop fronting with the relationship song and dance.

Fay

March 5th, 2014
9:21 am

LOL @ Ex…you may be right about that.

disco

March 5th, 2014
9:22 am

2C/Ex – I don’t think that folks really go to matchmakers for advice. They can get advice anywhere. I think they go to matchmakers because they believe they have a hidden, magic, stash of fantastic eligible singles that the rest of the world isn’t privy to. they don’t want the advice. They want the hookup. Just my take though.

disco

March 5th, 2014
9:24 am

Heidi – please, oh please, don’t open the door on the topic of bitter men. they are quick to call women bitter but there is a world full of broken, beat down, lost and bitter men walking among us. lol.

Fay

March 5th, 2014
9:24 am

Heidi ..that online dating thing can be addictive ….its just too easy to hop online and meet someone new.

Fay

March 5th, 2014
9:27 am

a world full of broken, beat down, lost and bitter men walking among us….tell me about it.

Single & Happy

March 5th, 2014
9:27 am

Button I guess since I’m a bit of an amateur photographer, I can tell the difference between old pic and recent ones, and also most people that post pics will post pics all the time. but all this goes back to getting to know someone. When looking at pics you have to pay attention to clothing styles, hair styles, do they match their age. With technology, you have to be able to send me a picture with the tv in the background or something. I trust people online just as much as I trust someone I would meet in person, a liar is a liar.

Okay Disco

Single & Happy

March 5th, 2014
9:28 am

So Heidi, you don’t meet men like that in person??

Button

March 5th, 2014
9:29 am

disco – repost it, I like to read your response on amputee.

AS for as matchmaker goes, heck most of them aren’t in a relationship. Like my girl Patti on matchmaker millionaire, she just got engaged and the guy gave her a promise ring, who does that? lol A promise ring at her age?? isn’t that for lil high schoolers? lol I guess it’s just like the hairstylist, can style eveyone else hair except her own.

Bluzgirl

March 5th, 2014
9:31 am

Morning all!

I used to not have any deal breakers per se, but with my misadventures, I’ve come up with a few. Jobless, former inmate (especially in another country), addict/alcoholic, homeless or living with mommy…That’s all I can think of for now

Single & Happy

March 5th, 2014
9:32 am

Matchmaking used to be the way most folks got together, it was the norm.