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Dating dilemma: Friends with benefits

I have seen people go from friends with benefits to exclusive relationship plenty of times. Things just sort of end up there after one or both realize they have feelings for the other. I even think that friends with benefits is a tool some folks use to baby step into a relationship.

I have never seen a relationship go from exclusive to friends with benefits, though. This is what one of our readers wants to know how to do: break up but keep the sex. Now it seems dangerous and slightly mean to me, so I won’t have a lot of advice for him! Do you think it is feasible if his girlfriend is open minded?

Have you ever started a no strings attached arrangement with an ex? Was it a good idea or a huge mistake? If you were to give it a shot, what is the best way to approach this?

Should you keep sleeping with an ex until a new person comes into your life?

Happy Monday!!

By Wise Diva

414 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

March 3rd, 2014
6:05 am

First!

Good morning, first and foremost let me say you guys’ comments the past couple of days? Hilarity!

2C really, inquisitive? Do I ask that many questions?

YesSheIsCute

March 3rd, 2014
6:10 am

Oops I forgot to answer the questions. I don’t believe there really is a “no strings attached” situation. There are always strings attached whether either of the parties choose to acknowledge it or not. Been there done that with the whole ex thing, I’m willing to sat down somewhere knees together and wait until the right one comes along. I am way too busy and my time is too precious to waste it on NSA, FWB or whatever these things are called.

lee

March 3rd, 2014
6:39 am

Good morning,

YesSheisCute “There are always strings attached whether either of the parties choose to acknowledge it or not.” I believe that is true, anyone you spend time with is a relationship and there are always consequences whether that be good or bad in everything we do. So do what is right for you.

advise to that guy –no one likes going backwards–use your word carefully –and make sure your medical insurance is up to date… haha

Single and Happy

March 3rd, 2014
7:14 am

Hey everyone

Morning yes

Now while I’ve had this happen several time, I’ve never broke up planning on it happening. .

Purple Reign

March 3rd, 2014
7:52 am

Yes it can happen and he may be surprised that may be what she wants.

disco

March 3rd, 2014
8:36 am

Good morning. does this happen? FWB in reverse? It sure as heck does. sometimes it happens because one party has already checked out but the other party is slow to accept the truth OR the second party is just dumb enough to think that because they are still screwing there is still a chance. Aside from that, I don’t think this is a problem. you are grown, you got needs, sure you may be the “celibate type” or you may not be. no point throwing the baby out with the bath water. Get yours. Lol.

He single!!! On a scale of 1 to 10, how was the trip?

Single and Happy

March 3rd, 2014
8:39 am

Hey disco, it was 13.5 :-D had a great time, until it was time to come back.

disco

March 3rd, 2014
8:41 am

Single – Ahhhhhh. Now that’s what I’m talking about. glad you enjoyed it. I am still having anxiety about my next trip. Just looking forward to getting it over with so I can plan my recovery trip. lol.

Single and Happy

March 3rd, 2014
8:42 am

Disco, when and where is your next trip?

disco

March 3rd, 2014
8:45 am

single – you know I generally travel solo. The next trip is a girls’ trip (I’ve dubbed it the “coochie cruise” – lol. PLUS one chick is bringing her kid. Talk about a monkey wrench. Anyway, I’m committed to it. taking one for the team.

where’s leggs? See leggs, I do yield every now and again. lol.

Button

March 3rd, 2014
8:50 am

No back tracking for me. once the flame is out it’s out! I understand different boats for different folks but for me nah I can’t do it. The attraction is gone. And if there’s no attraction there’s no desire.

I’m not a supporter of the overly glorified FWB. I just can’t casually have schex with a guy without feelings involved – true feelings. Chances are higher that I’m not the only one he’s sleeping with either so I won’t even open myself up to having a FWB relationship.

Sure a relationship can go from exclusive to fwb easily when one has emotionally and mentally left the relationship but still there for schex.

Good morning!

Fay

March 3rd, 2014
8:50 am

Morning…

FWB reverse …no I wouldn’t volunteer but needless to say I have been in the situation unbeknowest to me…lol. When I found out than he wanted to be committed again ..but it was too late since he had a baby with someone else.

I give too much of myself to be in any no strings attached situation that continues for a while. I would rather a one night stand than a FWB situation because feelings come and they could be good or bad and I just don’t have the energy for all that confusion….

Single and Happy

March 3rd, 2014
8:51 am

Disco, it’s funny how most people think you can’t have a good time traveling solo, but finding the right mix of people to travel with can be a problem also. When asked the question on this trip, my response was, I can either sit at home and wait on people, or I can go, have a good time and tell them about it.

disco

March 3rd, 2014
8:53 am

Fay – really? That’s a different perspective. A one night stand is preferable to a relatively stable, long-term albeit non-committal situation with someone you know and trust? Hmmm. Interesting.

Fay

March 3rd, 2014
8:55 am

Disco

There is nothing stable or trustworthy about a FWB situation in my eyes….

disco

March 3rd, 2014
8:55 am

single – that’s just it. I cruise solo a few times a year. None of these chicks have ever cruised before so I figured what they heck and went ahead and booked. It wasn’t until later that the anxiety kicked in. I’m not overly worried though. worst case scenario is they will discover that I’m not a good travel partner. I’m too selfish. I’m not accustomed to consulting others about what they want to eat, where they want to go, what they want to do. I’ll try to play nice but I’ll leave the pack if I have to.

disco

March 3rd, 2014
8:59 am

Fay – interesting take again. after all that’s where the “friend” part comes in. it’s not “strangers with benefits”. you already know the person, their background. There’s a level of trust and respect already there. oh, and I’m not prudish. I’m not knocking or judging one night stands. Sometimes anonymity is the way to go. lol. just seems that with everyone insisting they “at least have to care about the person” I figured the vote would go to FWB over one night stand. I respect your opinion.

Single and Happy

March 3rd, 2014
9:00 am

Disco, I feel you. Now everyone keeps telling me I would love a cruise, but I’m just not feeling those. I like being able to come and go as I please.

Button

March 3rd, 2014
9:04 am

disco – relatively stable, long-term albeit non-committal situation with someone you know and trust? if it’s going to be all of that why not a real relationship with all the trimming? Why sell yourself short?

FWB is getting too much praise. I really don’t see what’s all the hype to be in one.

Button

March 3rd, 2014
9:05 am

Single – you’re like me, I don’t like being contained.

disco

March 3rd, 2014
9:05 am

Single – I liked the “forced relaxation” element of the cruise. You might as well chill, you ain’t going nowhere. Oh, and you might as well start drinking when you wake up, it ain’t like you are going anywhere. lol.

Button – it’s not selling yourself short if it’s what you want. Therein lies the problem. some folks are too weak to go all or nothing and so they settle. If you are good with the occasional breakoff then I say have at it.

2CPTG©

March 3rd, 2014
9:07 am

whats the point of having friends if there are no benefits? travel partners, shopping outings? hoops? video games? I think not……

2CPTG©

March 3rd, 2014
9:07 am

and yes, Cutie….you ask waaaay too many questions.

disco

March 3rd, 2014
9:08 am

Single – believe it or not, I think I feel more trapped on an island. They are all good for a quick visit/vacation but I can’t imagine living there and being permanently contained in 20-30 or however many square miles. The whole idea unnerves me so unlike a lot of people I have no fantasy of living on a tropical island.

Fay

March 3rd, 2014
9:09 am

Disco No harm no foul….My preference is a committed relationship. Why should I care for someone who doesn’t deem me qualified for a committed relationship? Isn’t that akin to having your cake and eating it too in a way??

After a FWB thing sours were ya’ll truly friends if ya’ll don’t even want to talk to each other now? Hypothetically speaking.

disco

March 3rd, 2014
9:13 am

Fay – that’s when you get into folks knowing themselves. problems arise when, like I told button, someone isn’t being honest with themselves about their wants and needs. folks who are real about it don’t have the same problems. They respect the situation and one another. It’s not complicated.

Single and Happy

March 3rd, 2014
9:23 am

Disco, I relaxed, not forced, enjoyed the local scenery (bootie), bars opened at 10 am, didn’t need a drink card, (all inclusive) If you have something to do, you won’t see those 20 – 30 sq miles in a the few days you’re there. Now there are some tropical Islands I could live on. but it’s mostly because of the weather. it would be no different than living here, most of the time we don’t go out of that 20 to 30 mile radius.

“After a FWB thing sours were ya’ll truly friends if ya’ll don’t even want to talk to each other now? Hypothetically speaking.” they never sour, they just end, there is no break up, no fighting, no cat calling. And most of the time you do remain friends.

disco

March 3rd, 2014
9:29 am

Single – granted that’s true but just supposing you want to leave that area. Just supposing you want to gas up your car and go. you can’t. you are trapped unless you just drive in circles. At least in my mind, that’s how I see it. not to mention everyone knowing everyone. That would get tired quick. When I was in st. maarten some guys there were telling me how they frequently do tourists. On the one hand I was thinking “that’s trifling” but on the other hand I can see how their local options play out fairly quickly. lol.

Button

March 3rd, 2014
9:31 am

Single – And most of the time you do remain friends – also after divorce and any other relationship. Nothing new.

Button

March 3rd, 2014
9:34 am

disco – some folks are too weak to go all or nothing and so they settle. —–>that’s where FWB come in. They are too weak to go for something real something where they are valued so they settle for a FWB situation as long as they get “breakoff”.

Button

March 3rd, 2014
9:36 am

might as well call yourself a concubine.

Single and Happy

March 3rd, 2014
9:37 am

Disco, remember all islands aren’t small, others have options, for instance, there’s a ferry that runs daily between Miami, and Freeport. Jamaica is a pretty big island, you can get away to the other side as with some other island.

When I was in st. maarten some guys there were telling me how they frequently do tourists (LOL) you’ve got those in every city, that’s not just the islands .

Button um okay

Purple Reign

March 3rd, 2014
9:37 am

I think the reverse FWB boils down to how well you can control your hormones, if you don’t have to have intimacy you will be fine without a reverse FWB if not you will. In case you do you have to take the good with the bad of the whole scenario.

disco

March 3rd, 2014
9:37 am

Button – as I’m known to say “shame on them”. if they can’t go for theirs and get played in the process, sucks to be them. they grown.

Button – hold up. who’s a concubine? and why are they a concubine? lol.

Into the Light

March 3rd, 2014
9:38 am

Morning, all.

Disco, we noticed that you and 2 disappeared Friday afternoon. I may or may not have started a rumor that yall are having a torrid affair.

disco

March 3rd, 2014
9:39 am

Single – point made. Still, when you are dealing with a limited population and essentially no way out, it is what it is. at least the joker in Podunk Alabama can drive over to the next county or cross the state line to seek out fresh meat. lol.

Purple Reign

March 3rd, 2014
9:39 am

disco, I agree, if someone gets played they only have themselves to blame. “they grown”

disco

March 3rd, 2014
9:40 am

ITL – well I respect your honesty. So far nothing up with me and 2C. he’s got about 9 months to go and then I’m going to holler at him.

Button

March 3rd, 2014
9:41 am

disco – LOL @ concubine. I threw that out there to get a rise!

Button

March 3rd, 2014
9:42 am

some ppl are grown but it doesn’t mean they are grown. Just bc you’re grown doesn’t mean you make wise decicions.

Sassy Me ;-)

March 3rd, 2014
9:43 am

I’ve had several FWB situations over the years and they worked out great. Everyone isn’t suited for this type of situation so one should govern one’s self accordingly when it comes to that…
Things go left when someone starts changing the rules… so to avoid that my FWB and I always had a conversation about our expectations…and we handled our situation based on that.

For situations like this to work…EVERYone has to stay in their lanes….no swerving allowed or you’ll get a ticket..

Purple Reign

March 3rd, 2014
9:43 am

Where is 2C, lol

disco

March 3rd, 2014
9:44 am

Button – if you are grown and you make a bad decision then I still stand by my “it sucks to be you, you grown”. Nothing changes. You don’t get a pass.

Purple Reign

March 3rd, 2014
9:45 am

Button, and it’s still said person’s fault. You are either grown or you aren’t.

Sassy, I think it’s men that get caught up in the FWB feelings. Some can’t deal with a woman who only wants him for the sex. I’ve seen them say they can but then end up getting feelings.

kimmie a.k.a Smooth Operator

March 3rd, 2014
9:48 am

Morning Gang!!

On topic – I think the exclusive to FWB thing happens quite a bit, though folks probably don’t put a label on it. People break up all the time, but go back for the sex occasionally. It’s someone you’re familiar with and easier than trying to go out and find someone new. You might not be up to trying to meet someone and establish an emotional connection, so some familiar with no strings is easier for some. It takes 2 special people to be able to deal with something like that, I think. I would not be the one hoping just cause we still have this connection there is a “possibility” we MIGHT get back together again. That’s just setting yourself up for heartache.

I can’t honestly say I never went back, but I would not call it an FWB situation that started up. We went there a few times, but I realized I just needed to go cold turkey and went on and cut if completely off.

Either way, I don’t see one actually “requesting” such. I think it’s something that has to happen naturally. “Hey, I don’t think this relationship thing is working, but if you wanna get together err now and then to hit, I’m open to that”. Just don’t see it, but stranger things have happened!LOL!!

Button

March 3rd, 2014
9:48 am

So I take it that FBW is actually an imaginary relationship? Do you go on dates? Kiss? look into each others eyes when schexing? do you have pillow talk? so many questions?

Fay

March 3rd, 2014
9:49 am

I kind of disagree….Sometimes the one who wants a FWB situation tries to force it on someone who wants a committed relationship such as the topic today. While everyone claims its not hard I don’t think its the best situation.

Maybe its just me but I am a loving person and FWB just screams no love. If thats the case I can sleep with anyone of the street and get the same result (a nut) without the emotional attachment. Whoever says there is no attachment (after sleeping with someone for a while) is lying unless you made of stone. lol

Single and Happy

March 3rd, 2014
9:49 am

Button, disco, what’s settling to one is okay with another. Most of the time it’s always the people on the outside that are talking about the settling.

But to disco’s point, more people do settle for relationships, marriage where one cheats, than settle for fwb relationships

disco

March 3rd, 2014
9:49 am

Purple – now I’m really impressed to hear a man admit that. most men swear they got what it takes to make a sister fall in love and be all sprung. Most men don’t understand how we can screw them and roll out and don’t blow their phone up or worry about what else they be doing. it messes with a dude’s head for real. lol.

Single and Happy

March 3rd, 2014
9:52 am

Do you go on dates? Kiss? look into each others eyes when schexing? do you have pillow talk? so many questions? you may go out to eat occasionally, and most of the time those don’t end with sex. now the other stuff, ummm no