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Dating in self-preservation mode?

When you are on the dating scene, you will sometimes come across single people who have their guards up. The type that keeps things close to the vest, revealing as little as possible in the beginning. These are folks who are dating in self-preservation mode.

You have probably been there before or you are there now. You trust no one. That’s all fine and dandy until you meet someone you actually like and they like you back. You can’t take things to the next level in self-preservation mode!

Eventually you have to decide if you want to give someone a chance to establish trust and consistency. How long should this take, though? If you are seeing someone you connect with, does it take you a long time to shift out of self-preservation mode?

Do you think that people who don’t trust easily are this way because they are the ones not trustworthy?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

356 comments Add your comment

Exiled!

February 19th, 2014
5:33 am

self-preservation mode?

This is the “Three_Months_No_Smash” Rule,recycled ,ALL over again! :lol:

It dont work!

Early good merning MIA….

YesSheIsCute

February 19th, 2014
6:23 am

Good morning everyone!

Lots of people date in preservation mode. The only people who walk into a situation with their heart on their sleeve and their insides exposed are those that are naive or those that just have no fear. I think most people who don’t trust easily have been through something that has made them more cautious. Not necessarily because they can’t be trusted.

I vaguely remember what being in love felt like (I mean with a real person not a celebrity). It was so long ago. You can’t fall in love with your guard up. I’m perfectly fine with that. When I feel like falling in love again I will. Until then, I’m the goalie with the killer catch. :)

lee

February 19th, 2014
6:25 am

Good Morning,

Do you think that people who don’t trust easily are this way because they are the ones not trustworthy? Maybe some people are not trustworthy due to their own devious ways,or it could be they were victims of trusting too soon and learning those hard life lessons. Trust should be earned not given, but you need to trust is small amounts to begin anything with anyone,,,

Exiled don’t you always write about smashing, lends to believe you are lacking on the home front. You know what they say those that can’t –just talk about it… :) )

Exiled!

February 19th, 2014
6:39 am

Lee. u so right.

talking bout it compensates for lack of it…i get oral orgasm from it. :lol:

Single & Happy

February 19th, 2014
7:52 am

Morning everyone

Hello Yes

Self preservation, or maybe someone who just doesn’t share their life story when they first me someone! This has nothing to do with trust. Just because some people love to open up doesn’t mean everyone is like that.

YesSheIsCute

February 19th, 2014
8:06 am

Good morning Single. You guys I heard it was gonna storm again. Say it ain’t so. I hope I’m not at work when it starts because I don’t have it in me to be snowed in yet a 3rd time at work….

Single & Happy

February 19th, 2014
8:18 am

Yes what you talking about, it’s going to be 70 this week. go check out the weather sites.

Button

February 19th, 2014
8:38 am

If you’re going to be in self preservation mode then you shouldn’t date period. Dating is taking a chance at love, finding love and being loved. You can’t go meeting someone in a mind frame of not getting your feelings hurt. It happens, it’s part of dating.

Some ppl are an open book and for some ppl you have to pry the book open and slowly turn the pages while some ppl you just breeze thru their book like liquid.

I’ve said before and I’ll say it again, I trust no one. I only have hope that I won’t be done in by another and with my way of thinking I’ve been able to not get sting so bad when a person doesn’t come thru.

Good morning!

Button

February 19th, 2014
8:40 am

Do you think that people who don’t trust easily are this way because they are the ones not trustworthy? Absolutely NOT! I’m this way from learning that we are humans and we all do things, make mistakes and a lot of times will let you down. Even if they are consistant.

Celisea

February 19th, 2014
8:51 am

A little self preservation goes a long way. You have the rest of your life to open it. Patience is a virtue. I’m suspicious of folks that put the rush on me. Slow ya roll!

I can’t say all folks that don’t trust easily aren’t trustworthy because I’m one that rarely take anyone at face value, for reason though. Most folks don’t have your best interest at heart.

Mortiiiing!!

Celisea

February 19th, 2014
8:52 am

And I believe at first opportunity, there are those folks that will rip you, your heart, your character to shreds if allowed the opportunity.

SlimNu

February 19th, 2014
9:04 am

Good day mates & maties! :-D

Leggs

February 19th, 2014
9:18 am

GUILTY! However, if I connect with someone, it won’t take me long to shed that self-preservation mode. I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve so before I become invested I have to know in my heart, with your actions and words, you’re invested in me as well. My path is on a two-way street, no dead end roads in my future.

Good morning!

disco

February 19th, 2014
9:27 am

Good morning.

I don’t know so much that I would call this “self-preservation” mode. That makes it sound like you are scared and I, for one, am not scared. I was raised to keep things close. I was raised not to tell everyone all my business. I know that not every man that grins in your face and professes to want you isn’t sincere. Why would I go into anything all okey doke and put everything on the table? That’s almost stupid. So what are the choices? Self-preservation or possible self-destruction? My money goes on self-preservation every time.

2CPTG©

February 19th, 2014
9:31 am

forgot who said it, but I agree, why date, if doing so in self preservation mode? akin to cats who go to strip clubs and say they ain’t tippin…..

Exiled

February 19th, 2014
9:37 am

If u ain’t tipping,she clams up?

:lol: puts the lid on. U ain’t gon see none!

Da hell!

@2C

Single & Happy

February 19th, 2014
9:38 am

Disco, I’m with you there, I see how people get conned all the time. For me has nothing to do with trust, just like I don’t need to know everyone else’s business, they don’t need to know my business.They can call it whatever they want too.

SlimNu

February 19th, 2014
9:38 am

Leggs – Howdy chica, how was the fun in the sun?

YesSheIsCute

February 19th, 2014
9:40 am

@2C does that mean when you, personally, are dating you don’t have a guard up?

disco

February 19th, 2014
9:43 am

Folks say “having your guard up” like it’s a bad thing. I think it makes perfectly good sense to go through life with your guard up. like the streets say, don’t get ready, stay ready. Having your guard up helps you to stay ready. Also, I don’t think that having your guard up and being defensive are necessarily the same things. defensive folks are usually trying to mask their own insecurities.

Single & Happy

February 19th, 2014
9:45 am

iakin to cats who go to strip clubs and say they ain’t tippin Now this is easy, you just stand next to the guys that are tipping and keep moving around (LOL)

YesSheIsCute

February 19th, 2014
9:46 am

@Single someone at work (they watch the weather here) said it was possible another storm coming by the end of the month. :(

2CPTG©

February 19th, 2014
9:51 am

Cutie….I’ve always said, everyone has an opportunity to sh!t on me at least once…reason being, is because I give everyone the benefit of the doubt – like those old school teachers…”everyone starts out with an “A,” it’s up to youwhether or not you keep it”….that’s how I am with trust.

Button

February 19th, 2014
9:52 am

when you’re in self perservation mode you’re keeping yourself from harm, bad things happening. very irrational to me. who wants to date a scary cat? lol all gittery and stuttering. I just can’t see how dating and being in self preservation mode even can be said in the same sentence. There’s a diffence in being aware of what’s going on and being a scary cat.

Single & Happy

February 19th, 2014
9:54 am

disco

February 19th, 2014
9:56 am

random (already) – last night I went to see about last night. Must say it wasn’t all that to me. it was humorous at points but overall I thought it was a dud. The only thing I can say I took from the movie was a strong desire to knock back some tequila shots.

Button

February 19th, 2014
9:58 am

self preservation mode : not walking into a gang retaliation fight, not riding in a car with a bad axle, not playing with gasoline and fire.

Self preservation on dating: yeah you should be careful in who you give our love to but calling it self preservation is a bit too extreme. jmo

2CPTG©

February 19th, 2014
9:58 am

Button, I actually agree with you…..

kimmie

February 19th, 2014
9:58 am

Good morning!!

On topic – I think unless it’s your first time at the rodeo and/or you were raised super-sheltered, it’s natural to date with some level of self-preservation. Or at least it should be, in my opinion. Even when I was green, I knew not to trust too easily, that went for people in general, not just guys. My mom used to tell me there were people who would spit over your shoulder and tell you it’s raining. I have an easygoing disposition that is always mistaken for weakness, even to this day. I’m not asleep at the wheel by any stretch! At the same time, I refuse to go thru life bitter and mean because of someone else’s mess they tried to pull on me. Nobody will ever get that power.

Unless you just don’t date at all, there is no guarantee you will never ever get played at some point. You have to let your guard down eventually. Even with all the precautions you take, a person can still find a way in to hurt you. That’s where common sense needs to kick in. Don’t let your guard down to the point you let someone beat you down.

Button

February 19th, 2014
9:59 am

disco – lol @ about last night. I’ll wait for it to hit redbox.

Single & Happy

February 19th, 2014
10:00 am

Disco, that’s only because it was in english (LOL)

SlimNu

February 19th, 2014
10:02 am

Good one Single :lol:

disco – I’m giving you kudos for even going to see it at all. lol

Leggs

February 19th, 2014
10:03 am

“Until then, I’m the goalie with the killer catch.” – I like that.

“If you’re going to be in self preservation mode then you shouldn’t date period.” – I so disagree. While dating, we all are in self-preservation mode. Some more than others. For ME, it makes no sense to go out on dates with all your cards on the table. Sure, you can state your intentions and wishes for what you seek in a relationship, but to go in like an open book…naw, that takes time!

SlimNu ~ I had a blast. That mini trip was much needed, Vitamin D to my Soul, sister, to my soul.

disco

February 19th, 2014
10:04 am

single – ha ha. did you see it? did you like it? I wasn’t even feeling michael ealy in the movie. Granted I’m not into light skinned, green eyed brothers but I like him. in this movie I was just like whatever. Looking at my watch, waiting for the credits to roll.

slim – it was a humbug thing. I was at the gas station across the street from the theatre and it just happened to be starting and next thing I know, I was at the movies. I think part of it had to do with the fact that I was hungry and this theatre serves food. lol.

SlimNu

February 19th, 2014
10:05 am

dswiss – You out there somewhere?

SlimNu

February 19th, 2014
10:07 am

Leggs – GLad you had a good time…I think that’s what I need right about now, a vacation before I blow a gasket and end up trying to set myself on fire in the middle of Publix or something :shock:

2CPTG©

February 19th, 2014
10:07 am

apparently somma y’all don’t know what self-preservation means…but I digress…

when ya asses get old, gray, and shuffling, and by yourself, then ye’en gon give a damn bout self-preservation;

disco

February 19th, 2014
10:08 am

slim – remember. Self-preservation over self-destruction. If you absolutely must, set someone else on fire. ijs.

Single & Happy

February 19th, 2014
10:09 am

Kimmie, we’re all going to get played at some point, the thing is to know when you’re getting played. Some of us just don’t share everything with anybody. don’t even think about it. People tell me all the time getting information out of me is like pulling teeth. Ask me a question, and you’ll get a quick, straight to the point answer, to the point that it sounds like I’m getting smart with you. Not going to elaborate on it, not going to share more information than asked.

kimmie

February 19th, 2014
10:09 am

Yes – I heard it was supposed to be some bad thunderstorms coming up with this warm front, but hadn’t heard anything about another snow storm.

Leggs – I’m craving a beach real bad…..

disco

February 19th, 2014
10:09 am

2C – says who? I’m self-preserving until I can’t self-preserve anymore. At that point, I hope I’m dead or nearly dead.

Leggs

February 19th, 2014
10:10 am

“Don’t let your guard down to the point you let someone beat you down.” – Worth repeating.

daddy swiss

February 19th, 2014
10:12 am

Slim — Yup. What’s up?

Single & Happy

February 19th, 2014
10:13 am

Disco, that’s where our wonder twin powers separate, I rarely go to the movies, and don’t really watch them at home. The only time I might watch a movie is on a plane, I’m bored to death, the screen is on the seat in front of me, and it’s free (LOL)

Slim catch a plane with me Monday, and relax on the beach :-D

kimmie

February 19th, 2014
10:14 am

Single – I agree. I’m not one to share alot either. Most of the stuff I share when getting to know a person is stuff I don’t mind sharing on this blog. Basic stats, funny stories about my upbringing or college, true “misadventures”, what I’ve cooked or where I’ve been, crazy folk I’ve worked with. It’s enough there to not get too deep until I really really know ya!

Recognize when you’re being played and don’t allow it to continue is the best I can say…..

2CPTG©

February 19th, 2014
10:15 am

I’m living everyday like it’s my last, so whatever…….preserve? for what? just to say I’m 60-70 years old, in this big ass house, alone – yet, I kept my guard up, and no one sh!tted on me?

Leggs

February 19th, 2014
10:19 am

Exactly, SlimNu. I was feeling just like your 10:07. Go somewhere and renew your spirit, chica!

Single & Happy

February 19th, 2014
10:21 am

2C you can live everyday like it’s your last. and still date, other people might think what I do as self preservation, cause I don’t answer all their questions. I have no problem telling someone I’m not going to answer that, and it’s none of your business.

kimmie

February 19th, 2014
10:22 am

2C – You are exagerrating. No you should not have your guard up to the point that you’re a hermit and a weirdo, all by yourself in the woods like some serial killer. But don’t be no fool either!

SlimNu

February 19th, 2014
10:23 am

disco – Good point lol I’m just saying, vacation is super important in life. But did ya’ll hear about the dude that doused himself with rubbing alcohol in Kroger & set himself on fire? :shock:

dswiss – I think that super annoying chick that you had to train is now working at my job. Lawd have mercy on me with all the stupid arse questions and every time I turn around, she’s right there. I share in your pain my friend. Plus, it’s not even just me, I saw someone talking to her and when she walked away, the person made a gun with their fingers and blew their brains out. :lol: