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Dating: Guilty of giving passes?

I think we all can admit to picking people to date based solely on superficial things. We rationalize that we are attracted to them for many reasons but deep down we know the main reason is looks, money, or sex. This often leads us to staying with people for these superficial reasons and giving them a pass when they mess up.

I have watched guys put up with really ratchet behavior from women because she is “that fine” or has skills. I’ve also seen them give a pass to women who emasculate them publicly because she has a lot of money.

We tend to give passes and allow bad behavior to continue because we picked these people for the wrong reasons in the beginning. What should you do when you realize this?

Do you think there is usually a time limit in giving people passes?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

269 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

February 18th, 2014
6:35 am

Passes happen. They will continue to happen. The important thing is to know when to pick and choose your battles once you’ve determined that they are worth staying with.

lee

February 18th, 2014
7:00 am

Good Morning,
People are always going to do what they feel is best for them. The only person that can change that is you on whatever you are doing or not doing.

a g/f of mine was complaining that her husband is lazy
me: but he was lazy before you married him
her : yes i know
me: so why are you complaining about that since he has and always be lazy
her: i thought by now he would change
me: No he will get worse
her: lets out a sad exhale
She has given him over 20 something years of free passes : it is on her to make that change.

Single and Happy

February 18th, 2014
7:58 am

Hello all

The only pass you’re getting from me is to pass me by!! While we all may put up with a little something in the beginning, because we’re hoping that we just misunderstood them. but when you figure out you didn’t that’s when you need to make up your mind. Is this a behavior that I can handle, or do I need to move on.

I’ve also seen them give a pass to women who emasculate them publicly because she has a lot of money. Is this really a pass, or do they just like being dominated!!

Morning Yes :-)

SlimNu

February 18th, 2014
8:16 am

Good morning gang,

Great responses thus far ;-) We all are given passes just as much as we give them. As previously stated by Single, often times we are trying to get to know that person in the beginning. Over time, you have to decide for yourself if those ‘items of passes’ are dealbreakers for the demise relationship you want to have. But folks give passes for various reasons: sex, arm candy, money, security, or maybe because you’re scared to see if you’ll be able to find someone else. We all have our crosses to bear.

Btw, i’m hungry alllllready. It’s going to be a long day, Boooooooo :roll:

Single and Happy

February 18th, 2014
8:23 am

Hey slim, what can I get pass on :-D

Celisea

February 18th, 2014
8:23 am

Sorry but where do “grown” folks put up with janky behavior and grant passes?? Diva, aren’t we a little too old for this mentality? I don’t get when folks assume stuff cause it’s what you do, would do or how you think. IMO that’s akin to thinking good dudes are extinct cause you’re ratchet or that there are folks that can’t do right or the right thing by women cause you live or scrape the bottom of the barrel and “shenanigan” is your middle name. Just because it’s common behavior for you’re (not you Diva) desperate to let stuff slide don’t mean that’s the way the rest of us do it.

Again, it’s QUITE possible for dude (and women) to be good decent folks, on the up and up, not behaving in such a way where granting passes are needed. Who does that, better yet who does that and is past the age of ten?? IJS

I had a FANTABULOUS WEEKEND!!

Gotta run. My trip is tomorrow. Much stuff to do.

Celisea

February 18th, 2014
8:26 am

You, not you’re

SlimNu

February 18th, 2014
8:37 am

Single – I’m not sure yet.

YesSheIsCute

February 18th, 2014
8:42 am

Good morning, Single!

disco

February 18th, 2014
8:44 am

Good morning.

I agree with most this morning. Passes are granted. Not necessarily always because of superficial reasons. Passes tie into picking your battles. Sometimes something just isn’t worth the fight, you let it go, you granted someone a pass. Sometimes a pass is in the form of compromise. You didn’t necessarily want to do such and such activity but you took one for the team. that can be considered a pass. I’m a fairly selfish and uncompromising person and even I recognize that granting of passes is pretty standard behavior. Certainly doesn’t have anything to do with one’s maturity level. In fact, the argument can be made that mature people accept that sometimes granting a pass is for the greater benefit.

Single and Happy

February 18th, 2014
8:55 am

Disco, folks grant more passes than the realize. No one likes everything that’s going on in their lives, and grant passes all the time, whether it be relationships, friendships, family or jobs.

disco

February 18th, 2014
9:00 am

single – sho’ you right. the fun comes in when you get to start revoking passes.

Celisea

February 18th, 2014
9:02 am

Diva’s post said granting passes due to bad behavior. I don’t believe compromising for the greater good of the team equates to letting folks slide cause their fine or skilled.

Lawd I’m gone. It’s come blah when we all have to give cookie cutter answers. And again. I speak to my experience. Just cause it’s not what YOU would do don’t mean it’s impossible for me.

HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY!!!!

Celisea

February 18th, 2014
9:03 am

They’re not their and “it’s come to blah…..”

Exiled

February 18th, 2014
9:04 am

Granting a pass can save one high blood pressure!
Good morning!

disco

February 18th, 2014
9:08 am

ex – ditto. why stress yourself out when you can just let it slide? many of us here on the blog have adapted that mentality. lol.

2CPTG©

February 18th, 2014
9:08 am

Slim, did you send this topic in?

in my 20’s I gave passes….now? nope.

Exiled

February 18th, 2014
9:08 am

and it can mean u continue hitting that phoine coochie…..she is wasteful with money? Give it to her….

Everybody got some attributes somewhere….

If she make u purrrrr..and grant.. .let her spend the money! :lol:

SlimNu

February 18th, 2014
9:10 am

<ust cause it’s not what YOU would do don’t mean it’s impossible for me.

Celisea – Exactly, so why assume the posts thus far are cookie cutter? That just means, as you stated, that it’s not what YOU would do. Some folks will have similar experiences, just like other’s will have very different ones. It shouldn’t take away any merit from what is said here, ya know.

Single and Happy

February 18th, 2014
9:13 am

Grown folks grant passes for bad behavior all the time, look at all the abusers out there, that have been married for years!!

Single and Happy

February 18th, 2014
9:15 am

Disco you funny (LOL)

disco

February 18th, 2014
9:18 am

single – am I? really? I suppose we just got our wonder twin on. lol.

SlimNu

February 18th, 2014
9:33 am

2C – No I didn’t…why did you think i did?

YesSheIsCute

February 18th, 2014
9:34 am

2CPTG©

February 18th, 2014
9:37 am

Hi Cutie….

Slim – because of the “hall pass,” eerily similar, that’s all.

SlimNu

February 18th, 2014
9:39 am

2C – Oh, that’s a whole different kind of pass. lol

2CPTG©

February 18th, 2014
9:45 am

oh….

so, what y’all wanna talk about? seems this topic has died already……

disco

February 18th, 2014
9:54 am

2C – yeah. It looks like we gave the topic a pass. I don’t have a topic but I can toss in some randoms.

I mentioned a while back I loaned/gifted a childhood friend $200. Nearly 2 years later and I only hear the occasional “I haven’t forgot about your money”. Saturday I call old girl and she answers with “I have to call you back. I’m getting my hair done”. the next day, she sends me a picture of her hair. If not a $200 do, it’s real close. smdh.

Still no response from either guy re the performance art event. I think I’m going to throw an upcoming capoeira event in the mix. See if they bite for that.

disco

February 18th, 2014
9:56 am

another random – several people have mentioned to me recently that they got their disability approved. I’m wondering if there is a hole in the system right now and maybe I can get me a check too. ijs.

YesSheIsCute

February 18th, 2014
9:56 am

This is totally unrelated but the time is coming close to where my daughter goes back to her real family. I might downgrade to a one bedroom. I’m not sure if I wanna do this again. Mainly because you get all attached and then their ghost. :( I might have to see if my sister will let me get my little niece for a year.

YesSheIsCute

February 18th, 2014
9:56 am

disco

February 18th, 2014
9:58 am

yes – granted you aren’t a “real” parent but let me hip you to something. one of the absolute best parts of parenting is when you put their behinds out of your house for good. you are supposed to be getting ready to celebrate your emancipation, not looking to lock yourself down again. You are like the inmates who make parole and violate so they can go back inside. lol.

2CPTG©

February 18th, 2014
9:59 am

disco, re: that disability thing….um….yeah….cause I see cats here, my age and younger, getting checks, and I’m like, for what? yo ass ain’t disabled…..but from what I’ve heard, you don’t have to disabled in the literal sense…but some malfunction, and you can get a check.

2CPTG©

February 18th, 2014
10:05 am

let me hip you to something. one of the absolute best parts of parenting is when you put their behinds out of your house for good. you are supposed to be getting ready to celebrate your emancipation, not looking to lock yourself down again

gal, that’s one of the realest things you’ve ever said…..I told my son, when he turned 18, I don’t know who’s happier, you, or me!!!!!

2CPTG©

February 18th, 2014
10:08 am

inmates…..and recidivism …..on the one hand, I can understand where some of them are coming from when they say they can’t get a job because of their record, or whatever; but to committ the SAME damn crime???

disco

February 18th, 2014
10:13 am

2C – even though kimmie’s not here I’m sure she’d relate as the blog martin fan. Your post made me think of gina’s friend who came to visit who was always talking about keeping it real but she was bout the fakest thing going. lol.

DuShawn

February 18th, 2014
10:16 am

“Grown folks grant passes…… that have been married for years!!” My ole lady’s slick mouth often gets a pass (i.e. ignored), because it’s not worth the effort to straighten. Additionally, there is a certain amount of authority that comes with the position. A wife can say things to her man that a girlfriend can’t.

Button

February 18th, 2014
10:19 am

I’m not going to grant passes on bad behavior. PERIOD! now I have and will grant a pass here or there if he does something like not following thru on my requests, small things certianly nothing major. I’m trying to think what is considered bad behavior when it comes to dating, Can’t say cheating bc there is no commitment. So what else is considered bad behavior? hmmmmm

Good day!

2CPTG©

February 18th, 2014
10:24 am

Hey Button….gotta speak first….then state my business….

disco

February 18th, 2014
10:27 am

D – I have to ask. secretly, do you love that your woman has a slick mouth? I’m a mouthpiece myself and countless dudes have said things along the lines of “I’d be a dime if I’d just shut up”. of course, I’ll never just shut up. even so though, mouthpiece or not, they just can’t get enough. lol.

button – we’d have to go into the relativity of bad behavior. as far as I’m concerned a 2 minute brother is exhibiting bad behavior. the fool who drank the last of my ruby red grapefruit juice is exhibiting bad behavior. per prior blog discussion, placing the toilet paper roll the wrong way is bad behavior. does he get a pass?

Single and Happy

February 18th, 2014
10:28 am

Disco, me and some co-worker were just talking about disability yesterday, From the amount that shows on my SS statement, I couldn’t live off that. But now you can get a disability check for anything.

Single and Happy

February 18th, 2014
10:32 am

small things certainly nothing major. Now here’s a statement you hear all the time in relationships, then if divorce time comes around all of a sudden those small things become major. That’s why you have to make up your mind what you can live with and then let it go.

Single and Happy

February 18th, 2014
10:34 am

Button, for me bad behavior would be refusing to buy a new mattress IJS

YesSheIsCute

February 18th, 2014
10:35 am

@disco I guess I can see what you mean. I know I’m gonna love being able to travel on a whim and do what I want when I want and walk around the house how I want and allow people to just crash if they wanna. I’m looking forward to it but I still will miss her.

Exiled!

February 18th, 2014
10:36 am

My wife is a talker…..just talks…yea, i have given her passes but its more like, i have managed her talking..

I told her,when u talk a lot, ur ignorance shows….its like cream,it comes to the surface… :lol:

she now has tampered it a bit in my presence…at least more thoughtful before poppinng stuff.. :lol:

DuShawn

February 18th, 2014
10:37 am

D – “do you love that your woman has a slick mouth?” When it comes to talking shid, she can’t help herself. It’s part of what attracted me to her. Her abrasive wordplay can be entertaining at times, but also irritating when taken too far. Honestly, I prefer to put slick shid in a chicks mouth, instead of listening to it come out.

Single and Happy

February 18th, 2014
10:39 am

Yes, we all miss our kids when they leave, that’s why they call them VISITS, cause after a few days we ready for your arse to leave again (LOL)

2CPTG©

February 18th, 2014
10:39 am

and allow people to just crash if they wanna

:shock: oh, really?

disco

February 18th, 2014
10:41 am

single – my son left in 2007. I have yet to miss him. now I will admit I went through a period of withdrawal when I realized that I had to do all the chores that he used to do. it took me a minute to get past that. lol. I remember when he was first leaving and everyone just swore I was going to break down. I dropped his behind off, waved and rolled out. no tears. In fact, his best friend and the friend’s mom both broke down in tears. Now that was hilarious.

Single and Happy

February 18th, 2014
10:43 am

Wonder twin, we syncing again, I miss my son every summer when I have to cut the grass, wash the dishes, clean the house (LOL)