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Should your friends know everything?

I have a friend who has been dating a younger guy for a few months. She has noticed that his friends are very involved in every facet of his life, including their relationship. Some of the guys are like mentors to him, but there are two that seem to be privy to personal details do their relationship.

I have seen well meaning friends derail an entire marriage, making it even harder to communicate. There are some things you probably keep just between you and your mate. Love can be complicated enough, why invite a third party unless they are a licensed therapist!

Do you believe that friends should be in the know about your relationship? Do you seek advice from them? What should be off limits to your friends?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

508 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

February 10th, 2014
5:58 am

Good morning! No, they shouldn’t. No one should know everything. Your best friend(s) and especially close family members probably know so much about you already. But beyond that…I don’t think so. Sometimes we end up having relationships with our friends instead of our lovers because we always asking them [friends], how they would handle a relationship situation instead of just asking the horse’s mouth. I’ve learned to rely on and trust my own judgment much more and stop including other people and their input so much into my life.

lee

February 10th, 2014
7:06 am

Good Morning,
Do you believe that friends should be in the know about your relationship? No
Do you seek advice from them? No, but i have vented to a friend
What should be off limits to your friends? I have learned everything should be off limits, when i was married a very good friend of mine asked me what was going on, so i told her, she then turned around and told my X everything i said and wrote…some people are not your friend no matter now long you have known them they are just nosey and love to cause trouble ….Last time i spoke to her which was like over 5 years ago

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
7:29 am

Hello all

Nothing wrong with getting a little UNBIASED advice every once in awhile. But you have to know who to get it from. Every “FRIEND” doesn’t have your best interest at heart. When people ask my advice on relationships, I don’t tell the what they should do, but what I would do, but they need to tell their S/O exactly what they are telling me, and make their own decision. Because what I would do only pertains to me. and I’m not in that situation.

Morning Yes :-)

Celisea

February 10th, 2014
8:44 am

A dude that dishes….at any age….is a deal breaker!!!
I mean this right here though —->> I have a friend who has been dating a younger guy for a few months., might be the crux of her problem. There’s just never a reason to dish and gossip like some ole girl. IJS

Later….I’m gone to work…

disco

February 10th, 2014
8:49 am

Good morning. First things first, just what makes a licensed therapist so special?

Lee – if everything is off limits to your friend just what is your friendship based on? the instance you mentioned just goes to show that that person wasn’t your friend, doesn’t show that friends can’t or shouldn’t be trusted.

Single – exactly. You start off with “well if it was me….”.

disco

February 10th, 2014
9:02 am

I think the relationship advice that I dole out the most is

1) do not give/lend money to men and
2) do not let a man move in with you

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
9:11 am

Disco, because they have a licence (LOL) even then you have to find the right one. If I were going to see someone, I would see one of those before I talked to any pastor. But there are times that you can get great advice from anyone, they don’t need a license to give great advice.

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
9:14 am

Disco, I just gave out that advice this weekend (LOL)

disco

February 10th, 2014
9:14 am

single – to me that license doesn’t mean diddly. I’d rather talk to friends, family, strangers in line at the post office before I pay perfectly good money for some “textbook” advice.

SlimNu

February 10th, 2014
9:15 am

Morning gang

YesSheIsCute

February 10th, 2014
9:28 am

Good morning Single morning SlimNu

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
9:29 am

Disco, that’s me too, but you know how some people believe in titles :-)

Hey Slim

Button

February 10th, 2014
9:31 am

Do you believe that friends should be in the know about your relationship? I guess it depends on your level of friendship. Some friends are store front friendship so they don’t need to know details other than you’re in a relationship. If the friendship is solid and meaningful then sharing things is no big deal. They are a part of your life just as well.

Do you seek advice from them? Just like SINGLE said @ unbiased advice is needed every once and awhile.

What should be off limits to your friends? bedroom activites and finances.

2CPTG©

February 10th, 2014
9:32 am

so then, whom do you tell your deepest stuff to? if a licensed therapist is just a person with a piece of paper, and if ya friends….in a “pot meet kettle” type situation????

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
9:38 am

2C you have to know who to talk to, I think the posters problem maybe he doesn’t know what to do with the advice, after getting advice you don’t go back and tell your S/O what the person said you take in the advice, think about it and act as you feel you should.

YesSheIsCute

February 10th, 2014
9:40 am

A great man will make you phone a friend. :D

2CPTG©

February 10th, 2014
9:42 am

Single, yeah…..I can see how that would go off…..”bae, I spoke with so and so, and they said…….”

disco

February 10th, 2014
9:43 am

A true friend will step in and tell you when you have lost your dang mind and when you are acting / looking like a fool so they don’t have to wait on you to come and ask for advice. lol.

Personally I like to ask people what they think about stuff. it’s not necessarily a request for advice, just a method of gauging where folks’ heads are. a friend recently advised me to “change” my dating criteria in order to change my circumstances (being single being the circumstance). My response to that advice was BS. That sounds too much like compromising or settling. lol.

Leggs

February 10th, 2014
9:47 am

No need for a friend to know every facet of your life/relationship. Where’s the sense in that? People tend to throw things back in your face with information/dirty they’ve on you. Even your best of friend shouldn’t know everything about you and your activities. I see nothing wrong with using your friends as a sounding board, but why tell them everything. Heck, they may come after your mate with the info you’ve shared.

Good morning!

2CPTG©

February 10th, 2014
9:49 am

disco….you’re your own worst enemy…..

I like to ask people what they think about stuff. it’s not necessarily a request for advice,…..then, My response to that advice was BS.….gal, you’on know what you want…..just not “this”, huh?

Button

February 10th, 2014
9:50 am

some friends and I will use that word lightly will give bad advice just to sabatoge your relationship.

Purple Reign

February 10th, 2014
9:53 am

A)Do you believe that friends should be in the know about your relationship?
B)Do you seek advice from them?
C)What should be off limits to your friends?

A) To an extent, but not really.
B) Only from the ones that have successful relationships.
C) Personal stuff, arguments, finances, the significant others family, sex.

In my opinion, when someone is always talking about their relationship(every time you see them..every now and then is okay), or what they are doing with their significant other, posting their relationship all over social media….then they are not really happy. When you are happy the two of you are a self contained unit, with nobody in your business.

disco

February 10th, 2014
9:53 am

Often my friends will come and tell me some foolishness after the fact talking about they didn’t want to hear my mouth. lol.

2C – I know exactly what I want. I also know the likelihood of having exactly what I want is slim. knowing that doesn’t mean I’m about to start settling for stuff that I know I can’t or don’t want to tolerate. I think that’s where too many women are failing themselves.

SlimNu

February 10th, 2014
9:54 am

Plus when you tell friends negative things about your mate, they tend to hold onto those things even when you two have made up and moved on. They don’t have the emotional tie that you two have and will wonder why the hell you’ve still been dealing with that looney tune. lol

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
9:56 am

Button, yea, you just can’t go getting from anybody. When someone ask me marriage advice, I tell them I’ve never been married, but I know me, so here’s what I would do with my virtual wife, and even in the end I remind them I don’t have a wife, never had one, so you have to take my advice with a grain of salt. But I’ve heard some people just want you to join there misery.

Purple Reign

February 10th, 2014
9:56 am

Always starts out with how great a person is then after it’s how awful that person was. I just look at them and tell them it’s your fault, don’t blame the other person.

disco

February 10th, 2014
10:01 am

purple – I think when it comes to relationships so many people are straight faking the funk. They know they are caught up in some mess and their man/woman ain’t worth the spit it take to cuss them. lol.

Button

February 10th, 2014
10:01 am

SlimNu – exactly! They will hold on to the bad stuff for dear life and love to throw it back in your face.

disco

February 10th, 2014
10:07 am

I just have to say – y’all make me grateful for the friends that I have. We’ve never had messy drama. Now we may clown and throw something back jokingly but never with malicious intent. We just recognize the mess we’ve been through and we reflect and have fun with it.

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
10:07 am

Slim when friends start to tell me negative things, you chose them so deal with it. so they were doing something good. But I also don’t make other peoples problems, my problems. so I don’t care how bad you said they were not my problem and not going to hold it against them

Purple that’s it in a nutshell, people that are happy don’t complain! and aren’t looking for anything to complain about.

Button

February 10th, 2014
10:09 am

for the most part I can care less about anyone’s relationship. if it’s going good then good for you, if it’s going bad then oh well.

I take folks that always talk about their relationship with a grain of salt. With most folks being so darngone emotional with all the hoop la and frills and daffadills in their relationship. one minute everything is going good and the next it’s not and the cycle continues.

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
10:13 am

Purple when people (usually the same people) tell me how great something, or someone is I tell them to come back and tell me about in in 6 months, then I’m a hater, don’t like seeing them happy, jealous, but in 6 they have all kinds of complaints about it.

Disco, are we leading parallel lives (LOL)

kimmie

February 10th, 2014
10:14 am

Morning Gang!

I think that’s where too many women are failing themselves. Amen Disco!

When you are happy the two of you are a self contained unit, with nobody in your business.Amen Purple!

Plus when you tell friends negative things about your mate, they tend to hold onto those things even when you two have made up and moved on. Amen Slim!!

I think it’s immature to feel the need to give your friends a play-by-play account of your relationship. So high school. Sure, it’s nice to have a friend you can confide in or bounce some things off of from time to time. But all up in it? No.

A few observations I have noticed over the years with regards to me & my friends – We all for the most part are very private about our personal affairs. We have been there for each other thru the rough times, but never intrusive.

A few not-as-close friends seem to always have some mess going in their love life. I have noticed that the better my relationships seem to get over the years, the less mess they seem to bring to me. It’s almost like they are embarrased. Yes, they still have mess going, they just don’t bring it to me as much. Time is moving on, yet they are still dealing with the same BS from dudes.

Nobody can sabotage your relationship unless you allow it. Period.

Button

February 10th, 2014
10:20 am

advice:
I have a problem, I hate sleeping in my G’s bed. His bed is too firm and he keep his home too darn hot. We have totally different body tempatures. I don’t know what the heck to do when we get married. He hate my bed just the same and buying a new one is out of the question bc he keep harping oh how he just bought the bed blah blah blah and mine is old blah blah blah he’s soo darn stubborn. Should I keep nagging him about the bed or move my bed with me and sleep in the other room when I just can’t take it any more? With the heat I can use a fan, no problem. I can take nap in the bed but I can’t get a good nights rest in his bed.

disco

February 10th, 2014
10:20 am

single – some days it does seem like it.

hey kimmie!!!

Leggs

February 10th, 2014
10:27 am

Button ~ that bed in the other room may be a problem. You may find yourself in that bed than in your marriage bed. You two need to come up with a solution suitable for the best of you. Having a crutch, the other bed to run to, doesn’t sound like a good start.

Also, how about stop using the word “nagging” and replace it should I keep talking to him about it (lol).

SlimNu

February 10th, 2014
10:29 am

Button – Sounds like ya’ll need to invest in a sleep number bed to appease both of you. I know how I feel when I don’t get any sleep so to have that same nightly insomnia would drive anyone batty.

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
10:29 am

Button, that’s an easy one, you can’t compromise on something like this, how are you going to compromise one the big things when you get married. Some has a lot of thinking and soul searching to do, need to make up their mind on what they can deal with now and act accordingly.

daddy swiss

February 10th, 2014
10:29 am

Morning folks.

On topic: What happens in house stays in house.

disco

February 10th, 2014
10:31 am

leggs – I wasn’t going to address the letter because I didn’t think the situation even mattered but since you changed the spin I’ll bite. I don’t see a problem with sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms. Granted, they could probably work around the mattress issue but I know I have little tolerance for snoring. That alone is enough to make me go get in another bed.

Button

February 10th, 2014
10:33 am

Kimmie – that’s the thing, some ppl will and have allow others to sabatoge their relationship and didn’t even know it until it’s done.

Leggs – I’m trying to find a solution. Maybe buying a form matress cover may help. I’ll ahve to cut his side out though bc he loves his firm bed! I know nagging sounds derogatory but I have no problem using it. He can’t use it but I can :)

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
10:33 am

Slim that was my thought also, but then saw that he refused to buy a new bed, so that was out.

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
10:34 am

Disco, I keep earplugs in my nightstand (LOL) people say I snore loud, but I seem to always be the one wearing them (LOL)

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
10:37 am

Disco, I made my travel plans Saturday, It cost me an extra $180 by waiting one day :-(

Button

February 10th, 2014
10:40 am

Single – I’ve never thought about putting in earplugs. My ex husband use to call the hogs in lol, that’s how loud he snored. smh

disco

February 10th, 2014
10:41 am

I know I’ve mentioned running into a lot of guys who used C-pap machines. I don’t know that I’d want to be laid up with a brother wearing a mask and hooked up to a machine. A friend tried to convince me that it wasn’t so bad but I am not falling for that. lol.

I also sleep in a room that is totally dark and I have no tv in my room. I wouldn’t do well with that person that needs the tv or radio on to fall asleep.

single – it happens. where you going? i was looking into some panama canal cruises yesterday. found a decent cruise but didn’t research the airfare.

SlimNu

February 10th, 2014
10:42 am

Single – Sounds like the only solution for them to both be happy. I wouldn’t want to start out with a solution of disconnect….sleeping in separate rooms. Oh heyal naw

Button

February 10th, 2014
10:44 am

disco – that’s where I’ll draw the line, no c-pap. Sleeping is my third most favorite thing to do. I’ve always looking forward to a good nights sleep. if not, im grouchy!

Leggs

February 10th, 2014
10:46 am

disco ~ when I first read different beds, I automatically thought of married but living in separate homes. I know this works for some. I just think being newly married and sleeping in separate beds, especially if one partner isn’t fond of doing that, is recipe of a molehill that will sooner than later turn into a mountain. If finances are an issue, investing in a sleep number bed might be the way to go.

Single & Happy

February 10th, 2014
10:50 am

Disco I’m going to Aruba. There goes that parallel world again (LOL) I need total darkness and quiet also.

Slim that would be a great solution, but doesn’t seem like he’s open to it.

Button, when I went to the Bahamas with a friend, she calls the hogs also. one night I went to get in the bed and she wasn’t snoring, she was sleeping on 2 pillows, well she woke up and gave me one of the pillows, then she started snoring, I woke her up and told her to take that pillow back (LOL) I have to wear earplugs at work, so I keep a supply. I got the for the other person because of my snoring but I always seem to end up being the one that’s wearing them.